Episode 3 Impractical Jokers

This programme contains some strong language.

This is Impractical Jokers, the hidden camera show where four

friends compete to embarrass each another in everyday situations.

The jokers are Joel Dommett...

What's your man got to do with me?

-..Roisin Conaty...

-Hello?

-..Paul McCaffrey...

-Indeed!

-..and Marek Larwood.

-Get in the boot.

Pushing each other to the limit,

they take it in turns to complete embarrassing challenges.

They've got to do or say everything the other jokers tell them

via a hidden ear piece.

Tell him he's making your pencil hot.

You're making my pencil hot!

But if they refuse, they lose and face a humiliating forfeit.

It's a ruthless fight to finish where there's no winners,

just a loser!

CHEERING

I can't believe it!

It's time for challenge one and our jokers are in a book shop

where they'll be taking turns to get a random customer to repeat

whatever word the other three jokers tell them

to via the hidden ear piece. If they fail or refuse, they lose.

First up, it's Paul.

This is unusual, they all say the same thing. "Marek is a prick."

Some people just look really out of place in bookstores.

What book have you got in your hand?

Great British Losers, another book about Marek.

Unfortunate that you said that, Paul,

because the word you have to get repeated is "volumptuous." Be lucky.

I think he'll be able to do it.

I tell you what, guys, if you're looking for a book NOT to buy...

This!

It just literally says the word volumptuous about 20 times.

That's all it says, volumptuous.

Oh, my God! This guy... How did he do that?

All the best. Good luck. Cheers.

That was like a hit and run.

That was the best thing I've ever seen.

Paul successfully gets his word repeated

and bags himself a pass.

Next up, it's Joel.

When you're ready, we want you to get the next person you talk to

to repeat the word slunger.

Excuse me, sorry, you haven't by any chance

heard of a book called The Slunger, have you,

by any chance? The Slunger?

No chance, mate.

People seem to be talking about it a lot,

I was just wondering if it's any good. The Slunger?

Never heard of it at all?

It's supposed to be this really dark crime thriller. The Slunger.

Definitely not?

You wouldn't read it? You're not a fan of a book called...

There are a lot of plungers in it but The Slunger.

Definitely not the...

Yeah, it's close. What's the, um...?

The Slunger. I'm sure it's great, people seem to say it's amazing.

It's an incredible book.

Exactly. Exactly.

The Slunger, The Slunger, that's going to really annoy me.

Is it The Slunger?

Joel Dommett is...The Slunger!

I just slunged all over that guy!

So Joel fails to get the customer to say slunger

and in the process gets himself a fail.

Next, it's Roisin.

OK, Roisin, the word you've got to get someone to repeat back to you

is fusty.

Is that a word?

There she is, old Fusty Springfield!

Looks like a book signing's gone wrong!

There we go, that's the guy.

Hello. Don't suppose you've read this by any chance?

Sorry, I've been reading it and there's a word

and I have no idea what it means.

Do you know what the word fusty means? Yeah.

Mouldy? Oh, OK. Thank you very much!

Easy work for Roisin as she joins Paul with a pass.

Finally, it's Marek.

The word we need you to get this person to repeat is toosh.

Have you read this one? Have you tried reading this one?

It's really funny.

Oh, OK. Makes me laugh my toosh off, this one does.

Where are you from? Italy?

Do you know that expression when something's

so funny that you laugh your toosh off?

You heard that?

What do you say, what's your equivalent of toosh?

Ahh!

Oh, this is funny, though. See you later. Ha!

Marek gets himself a result,

which means, at the end of the first challenge,

it's Joel who's in last place with the only fail so far.

Marek, have you heard of a book called I Am a Dickhead?

Yeah, it's written by Paul McCaffrey, it's an autobiography.

Slam!

It's now time for challenge two.

The jokers are taking it in turns to be bouncers at this busy

nightclub where they've got to do and say everything the others

tell them to and if they refuse, they lose.

Remember, whoever gets the most fails faces a humiliating forfeit

at the end of the show.

First up, it's Paul.

He looks the part! He looks like a really good band manager.

-Hi, guys. You coming in? How are you doing, OK?

-Yes.

We don't let anyone bring in their own rooves.

We don't let anyone bring in their own rooves for a start.

We have perfectly good roof in there, so this'll have to go. OK.

-Can I have a quick look at the bag?

-Yes, be my guest.

-Thank you.

Pretend to smell it then faint. Faint!

Stay there, Paul. Stay there.

Stay there.

Look up to them and say, "Just step over me."

Just step over me, please.

Go in. You're in, you're all right. Just go over me.

Please, no photos. Just stay where you are. OK, guys, OK.

That's a pass for Paul. Next up, it's Joel.

All right, lads. How are you? You all right? Have you got any ID?

-Hello, mate.

-Yes, we do have ID.

-Get it out, that would be great.

-Move your clipboard and hold it down...

-Rub it against your groin.

Say, "Are you sure you're 18?"

-Are you sure you're 18?

-No, not any more.

-Not any more?

Start sniffing him for drugs.

I think there's something...

"Have you got some fun powder on you?"

Have you got some fun powder on you, Nicholas?

-What's that?

-You got some fun powder on you, Nicholas?

Sniff his groin.

You got some fun powder down here, Nick?

Now look at him straight in the face and say, "I got a man."

I got a man.

Say, "I've got a man - what's your man got to do with me?"

-What's your man got to do with me?

-What?

I've got a man, what's your man got to do with me?

-What's my man got to do with you?

-Say, "Great song."

Great song, have a good night, mate.

Classic, lovely to meet you, mate. Have a good one.

Joel also gets himself a pass and now it's Roisin's turn.

-Hi, guys. Are you on the guest list tonight?

-Are we on the guest list?

-No.

-OK, brilliant.

-No coats on heads inside.

-When you get inside...

this is fine for outside,

but you're not allowed your coat on your head in there.

-No, that's fine.

-As for you, sweet cheeks, it's no-pants Tuesday.

..it's no-pants Tuesday.

-Any piercings I need to know about?

-OK, that's cool, that's perfect.

Any piercings I need to know about?

-Piercings?

-Piercings.

-No.

-And then just let the guys in.

Say, you, you, in. You two, wait here.

OK, you, you, you can go in.

Sorry, got a few more questions for you, ladies.

-We need more sausage, mate. More sausage.

-Do you want to come in?

Yeah, we need more sausage in there.

-More sausage.

-More sausage.

Any of you girls packing?

Any of you girls packing?

Not today.

Roisin's refusal gets her her first fail of the day.

Finally, it's Marek.

All right, guys, coming in tonight?

Come in and have a drink, come in and have a drink. Come and have a drink.

When they cross the threshold, start ringing an alarm.

Come and have a drink.

Woo-ooh, woo-ooh, woo-ooh! Sorry, guys. No, actually...

OK, OK, just names. Thanks, guys.

You lot, straight in. Straight in.

You lot, straight in, yeah.

-Thanks.

-Yeah, thanks.

-Cheers.

-Say, "Are you here to disco or party?"

-Hi. Disco?

-Are you here to disco or party? Which one?

-Just both.

-Both?

You can't do both, mate. Yeah, they are separate tonight.

Tonight's disco, so...

Do you want to just disco or party?

Just general party.

Pat the guy down then give him a hug.

It's freezing outside...

OK, hang on, just got to check...

Turn around and say, "My turn."

Right, my turn.

Do it properly. Do it properly! Right in all the cracks.

You must feel the stuff I've got on me.

Right down here, down here.

Right, OK, thanks, mate. Thanks.

Now, to the last one, say,

"I'm going to show you my ID,"

and drop your trousers.

I'm going to show you my ID...

-Yeah, just go in, mate.

-Ha!

Dropping his trousers proved one step too far for Marek,

which means at the half way point it's Marek, Roisin and Joel

all with one fail each.

The next challenge sees the jokers working as caricature artists

in Brighton, but they'll be drawing

and doing everything the other jokers tell them to whilst trying

to earn a tip and whoever earns the least amount, fails.

First up, and currently in joint last place, it's Joel.

Have you guys ever had a caricature done before?

No? Well, let the excitement commence.

Draw a massive plate of spaghetti.

Say, "This is going to be really saucy."

This is going to be...

It's going to be really saucy, guys.

As you're drawing it, just keep mouthing under your breath, "Hot sauce!"

"Papa got hot sauce on the picture!"

-Papa got hot sauce!

-"Me finger's getting sticky with hot sauce!"

God!

CRACKING UP: My finger...

My finger's getting sticky with the hot sauce.

Hot sauce!

All right, so I was going to write something above this but I can't...

"I love meat!"

Even though it's free, I do ask for tips.

At the moment all I've got is a couple of clips,

so I'd love something in there.

I think you're really going to love this.

What do you thing, guys? This is the hot sauce.

Smallest amounts to the biggest gift.

-And they're tipping him? Unbelievable!

-No way!

You are absolutely incredible. You're incredible.

Unbelievable!

One pound!

Joel manages to bag himself a tip of one pound, meaning that's

the amount to beat to avoid getting a fail.

-OK, cool, my name's Paul. What's your name?

-Rich. Sit down.

OK, Paul, we want you to draw a massive horse

with a hugely engorged penis.

Say, "Please keep looking sexy."

Please keep looking sexy!

Straight face, serious. No smiles.

Seriously.

-More.

-More.

-More.

-Less.

-Slightly less.

Tell him he's making your pencil hot.

You're making my pencil hot, Rick!

-It's swelling up in my hand!

-It's swelling up in my hand.

I think you're going to like this, Rick.

Rick, how do you feel?

It's all right, is it?

I feel like you'd like to give me a tip.

I was very generous with the penis there. Let's not forget that.

Oh, thank you so much.

No problem.

-What did he get?

-£2!

-What? Oh, my God.

Unbelievable.

Paul gets himself a tip of £2,

meaning he is in the clear gets a pass.

Caroline, what a beautiful name.

-Have you had a caricature done before?

-No.

You haven't had it done before. OK. Right.

Say out loud to yourself, "Do not focus on the breasts."

One minute away.

Er...

Do not focus on the breasts, do not focus on the breasts.

Look at her and say, "You're so beautiful."

You're so beautiful.

-Draw a big picture of yourself, Marek.

-OK.

Get about seven pens in your hand, Marek,

and then just keep changing from one to the other,

going, "Pink, blue, green, OK."

Let's go.

Pink, blue, OK.

OK. Not these ones. Not these.

Now rip the one you've done off and start again.

This is shit.

That's shit! Right.

OK, stop looking at me. Get out of my way.

Everyone, get out of my way. Not you.

You, stay where you are. Get out of my way, all of you.

Tell them you've been doing this for ten years.

-I've been doing this for ten years.

-And then laugh for ages.

HE LAUGHS

Put your arms out wide and look up into the sky.

Look up into the sky and laugh.

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Look at me with all my pens!

Ready, Caroline? What do you think?

If you want, you can put a tip in the jar.

Zero chance.

I've got no tip but enjoy the rest of your day. Thank you very much.

So, Marek fails to get a tip and, in the process, gets a fail.

Can I ask you first, have you ever had your caricature done before?

No, never. Brilliant. You're going to enjoy this.

Say, "My favourite Spanish artist is Picasso."

My favourite Spanish artist is Picasso.

"His famous quote is this..."

He had a favourite quote and that was...

And make something up now, in Spanish.

That was...

"Chorizo, chorizo, chorizo."

-Mucho chorizo.

-"Chorizo.

"Chorizo. Chorizo."

Get really angry, start crying, saying, "I can't believe it.

"This is all I've ever wanted to do in my life and I've messed up again."

I just want to do it well, you know?

I just come out here to draw. I've just messed it up again.

I'm only giving it away free.

"I just want to make Picasso proud."

All my pens don't work and I just want to make Picasso proud.

Chorizo. Chorizo.

Just draw a massive chorizo,

with a massive arrow pointing towards it that says chorizo on it.

I think we're done.

It's free, but if you could give a tip, that would be great.

Can I get a tip?

-No tip?

-"This is my life."

So no tip means another fail for Roisin

and she joins Marek in getting her second fail of the day,

which takes them a step closer to facing the forfeit

at the end of the show.

But who will it be? Let's find out as we head into the final challenge.

The jokers find themselves on London's South Bank

where their challenge is simple, to get a stranger to dance

with them but they must do this without speaking.

Failure to do so means a fail.

It's all to play for and first up, it's Paul.

Any moment, he looks like he's about to walk into a pub.

"Where's the pub gone?"

-Right, let's start. Ready? Warmed up?

-Yeah.

We don't have any injuries. We ain't got any time for them, mate.

Don't worry, there'll be no injuries.

Let's see the McCaffrey magic.

Put your fingers on your lips and then just wiggle your bum.

Fingers on lips and wiggle your bum.

His nuts are so close to their knees.

-Fail, that's a fail.

-You failed, Paul. Unlucky, mate.

-You failed.

Right, I've got a new technique, a new technique.

You're like a street seller.

That's so West End. So West End.

"Come and buy my fruit, ladies. Come and buy my fruit."

I think that's a fail.

So Paul gets his first fail of the day.

Next up with more silent dancing, it's Joel.

Bring out your big guns.

By that, I mean your moves, not your balls.

Funnily enough, I do call them my big guns.

Show us what you're made of, Princess.

-That's it.

-Oh, my God. He's gone straight for house party circa 1995.

The Fresh Prince of bad hair.

There you are, they're having none of it. It's like he's Casper.

That woman isn't even looking at him.

She's actually pretending to be a photography student

rather than dance with him.

Oh! And break dance pose.

And down! Half windmill.

-Oh, my God. That's amazing.

-Look at that!

And then try and turn round and face them with that pose.

Don't break your neck.

Turn round, Joel.

Why won't anyone dance with me?

No-one wants to dance with the good-looking boy. Oh!

-I would have danced with you, Joel.

-Thanks, Roisin.

For the record, Joel, I wouldn't.

-Focus on their thrusts, Joel.

-No, don't focus...

-More pelvic.

-"Pelvicise" it.

Try and get him up.

-Just the thrusts, just the thrusts.

-That's a fail.

Just the thrusts.

That's what we call a fail.

That's a full fail.

Joel's failure to get a dance gets him his second fail,

putting him joint last alongside Marek and Roisin

and it's Roisin who's up next.

To guarantee she avoids this week's forfeit,

Roisin must get someone to dance with her.

I'm really excited.

You look a bit like someone's aunt who's trying to find

their wedding reception. But in a good way. Uh-oh...

Really...

It's all well and good when you are up there on that balcony, isn't it?

Wait till I throw you off it.

-It's a very good chance for you to meet people.

-Look at these two here.

-Ah, the running man is out.

-Didn't see that coming.

Oh!

Robot!

It's semi-human, what you are doing.

You're semi-human.

Think you scared the life out of them. No sale.

-This is quite stressful.

-Unlucky, Roisin.

Man with red trousers. Don't let him walk past you.

Yes, it's half dancing, half air traffic control at the moment.

You can't get anyone to dance, see if you can land a plane.

Roisin also fails to get a dance

and in the process gets her third fail of the day.

It's now all down to Marek.

If he gets a dance, Roisin will be crowned this week's loser.

-Do it.

-Do it.

That's the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

It's like being at the world's loneliest disco.

In he goes. She's quite attractive, Marek. Don't be scared by this.

Easy does it.

-He looks so predatory.

-Oh, God.

Yeah, I wouldn't put my hands on my hips, if I were you.

That's a bad look.

Here he goes.

-You look like you're having a fit.

-Totally blanking him.

Eye contact. Oh, she likes him.

Do some different moves.

He's doing the robot.

Oh, he's in. Incredible.

-That's amazing.

-That was great.

-This is unbelievable.

-That's beautiful.

-You spunk!

-He's such a player.

-I can't believe this.

Marek successfully gets a dance and in the process,

that all-important pass,

meaning that with three fails to her name, this week's loser is Roisin.

And now she's got to pay up.

For this week's punishment, Roisin will be giving a motivational

speech to this room of strangers but she has no idea what her speech

will include, much to the delight of the other jokers.

Roisin, you are officially the loser.

You love to motivate us to do absolutely stupid things.

I mean, you motivate me every day of the week.

And this office needs a shake up. You are the woman for the job.

-The jacket of ultimate dreams here.

-That's lovely. Put it on.

We've given you a few slides and some stuff you can talk to them about.

Eye of the tiger.

Believe in yourself first and then others can believe in you too.

-I really hate you.

-OK, good luck.

Go, go, go.

That's the kind of motivation we need.

Hello. Thank you very much for coming along.

My name is Roisin Conaty. Welcome to today, this morning's speech.

So, we're going to be doing a presentation I made for you

and it's called Looking Forward To Forward Thinking.

She's scared. You can tell.

The first thing I'm going to talk to you about is motivationalism.

Sometimes, it's hard to be motivated when you seem to keep on losing.

I used to...

be extremely shy, be constantly embarrassed by my friends...

..and be baffled by bing bongs.

I used to enjoy myself at inappropriate times.

And be uninspired to make a difference.

But now...

..every day I get out of bed and say, "You are the best,"

no matter who I'm in bed with.

Through these easy steps, you should be able to do the same.

The Pissbox is what we call... where you put your bad thoughts.

If you thought is not helping, not motivational,

you'd say get rid of it and put it in the Pissbox.

Demonstration.

OK, so you have a thought. That's not a helpful thought. Pissbox.

It's good to know your weaknesses, so you can turn them into strengths.

John the Baptits.

My weaknesses - I'm hypercompetitive,

I've got horrendous morning breath sorry about that

frequently topless without reason...

..and Greg.

Greggs.

Coming up to our final thoughts now, guys.

Remember, if all else fails -

If all else fails...

..just fuck them in the dick.

Thank you very much for coming, guys.

APPLAUSE

That's all from Practical Jokers this week.

-Next time, the jokers give CPR lessons...

-Come on. Pump it...

..and Roisin makes a confession.

A wipe from the back to the front, that's just common sense.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd