Episode 4 Impractical Jokers

This programme contains some strong language.

This is Impractical Jokers, the hidden camera show

where four friends compete to embarrass each other in everyday situations.

-The jokers are Joel Dommett...

-What's your nan got to do with me?

-..Roisin Conaty...

-Hello?

-..Paul McCaffrey...

-Indeed!

-..and Marek Larwood.

-Getting the boot.

Pushing each other to the limit, they take it in turns to complete embarrassing challenges.

-No!

-They've got to do or say everything the other jokers tell them via a hidden earpiece.

-Tell him he's making your pencil hot.

-You're making my pencil hot, Rick.

But if they refuse, they lose and they face a humiliating forfeit.

It's a ruthless fight to the finish where there are no winners, just a loser.

-Oh!

-No!

-Can't believe it!

It's time for Challenge One, and the Jokers are at a garden centre

where they are posing as members of staff.

They have to do everything the others tell them via the hidden earpiece.

If they refuse, they lose.

First up, it's Paul.

-'Worzel Gummidge meets Ray Winstone!'

-'Could you make it look any worse?!'

-'Oh, my God!'

-You look like proper old-school jester.

-Right, the hat's coming off.

THEY LAUGH

The hat is coming off.

-'Danny Dyer does garden centre.'

-Shut up.

-'Here we go.'

Go straight into this bloke, here.

Hello, mate.

'Just say "boring".'

-Boring, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

Bored out of my mind.

-Looking for anything special?

-No.

Put your hand on him,

'and you've got to maintain physical contact for the whole thing.'

-'Do it, Paul.'

-Anything else going on, today?

-Oh, the tennis? Murray?

-Yeah.

-What do you reckon the chances are?

-I think he might actually win.

-Murray! You think he might win? Big time.

Tell him Alan TITMARSH offered you tickets.

Alan TITMARSH actually offers me tickets cos he comes in here all the time.

'He fertilised the plans with his own muck, so you turned him down.'

He, well, he fertilises our branch with his own muck, so I turned him down.

-He's an odd character, Titchmarsh.

-'You've seen him do it live.'

I've seen him do it live. Don't know what he eats, Titchmarsh.

He'd put leaves on anything, I tell you. Strong, strong muck.

THEY LAUGH

I tell you what, have you seen these Sweet Williams?

'Say, "It's great to say things with flowers,

"but this one says 'fuck off'."

Have a good day, yeah?

THEY LAUGH

So, Paul refuses to complete his final instruction,

and gets himself a fail.

Next up, it's Roisin.

Hiya. Can I help you with anything?

Ask if he ever speaks to his plants to help them grow.

-Do you ever speak to your plants to make them grow?

-No.

-It really helps.

-'Try this one.'

-Try this one.

"Grow, go on, grow!" Shout it.

Grow! Grow!

-I'm talking to you!

-I'm talking to you!

Look at me when I'm talking to you!

This one is angering me, it's got an attitude.

Just shout at it, "grow, you bastard!"

THEY GIGGLE

Grow, you bastards, grow! You embarrass me.

-Hello.

-Are you working here?

-Yes, I am.

-Can I give you these flowerpots?

I just want them to be reused, because I think it's a really bad thing that...

Say, "I'll take them now."

I'll take them now.

Now immediately throw them over your shoulder.

THEY LAUGH

-Thank you.

-'Say, "Sorry, I need to have a drink now."

-Sorry, I need to get some booze in me now.

-'Bye.'

-Thank you very much, though.

-'Oh, no!

-She's picking them up!

-Oh, my God!

-Terrible!'

Roisin Successfully completes her challenge

and gets herself a pass, putting pressure on the others

when it's their turn. Next up, it's Marek.

Can I interest you in any of these plans, Sir? Do you need to know anything?

Say, "This one is my wife, Lisa."

-No, just looking.

-This one's my wife, Lisa.

Look at his face!

Gone. He's gone.

Can I help you with anything today, at all?

-I'm looking for Airplants.

-Airplants.

-Yes.

It's just down here, between the future and the past.

It's just down here somewhere, between the future and the past.

Give them a leaf from a plant, and say "this is a free sample."

OK, well, try this, this is a free sample we're giving out. Here.

And then whisper, "don't tell my wife."

(Don't tell my wife about that.)

-Serious about that.

-Yeah, sure.

-Erm...

How to look like a dick in 3.4 seconds.

-Actually do look like someone who would work in a garden centre.

-100%.

You really fit in.

-What are you looking for today?

-I wonder if you have any Brunnera?

Ah, I think...

Brunnera. OK.

-Do you think you might have some?

-Erm...

Unfortunately, I think, erm...

-Well, you're looking at one, lovely!

-HE LAUGHS

Marek, start to undo your zipper and then say,

'"would you like to take advantage of my personal watering service?"'

-Would you, erm...?

-'Start to undo your fly.'

-Would you...?

-Oh, it's gone, it's gone. Thank you.

-THEY GROAN

So, Marek refuses and joins Paul with a fail.

Finally, it's Joel.

Hey, guys, how are you? Good to see you.

Can I help you with anything at all? Just having a quick wander around?

Say, "Oh, my God! I want to help you so much it hurts."

Guys, I really want to help you so much it hurts.

Ask him if he'd consider adopting you.

Have you ever considered maybe adopting me?

Point to something, and then say

"this plant actually help me learn Japanese."

This... I mean, this plant over here, for instance...

-'Do it!'

-This is a great one, it's actually helped me learn some Japanese.

It's a Japanese plant.

Touch it, touch it and show them what happens.

HE IMITATES JAPANESE

So Joel bags himself a pass, meaning at the end of the first challenge

it's Marek and Paul who are in

last place with one fail each.

Time for Challenge Two.

The Jokers will be giving CPR demonstrations to complete strangers,

but they must do and say everything they are told to by the other Jokers.

If they refuse, they lose, and remember -

whoever gets the most fails overall faces a humiliating forfeit at the end of the show.

First up, it's Paul.

Fantastic. Thanks very much for coming today.

We're going to be learning a little bit about CPR.

Has anyone actually done any CPR, before we get started, at any level?

I did a little. It was like a baby course.

No-one likes a show off.

-That was a long time ago. Don't ask me do I remember...

-No-one likes a show off.

LAUGHTER

Well done. OK, are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Mmm-hmm.

-Yeah? OK.

Forgotten this bit. Hang on a second.

There... I've forgotten this bit.

I can't fail this again.

I can't go back to prison.

I can't go back to prison.

Focus. Come on, Paul.

I need to revive my goddamn self at the moment.

I need to revive my goddamn self at the moment. I need this.

OK, come on, let's go. OK.

-Check for vital organs.

-'You could be looking at a gold mine on the black market.'

You could be looking at a gold mine on the black market with this, guys.

SHE LAUGHS

Anyway, let's get pumping. OK.

-Let's pump the shit out of this bitch.

-Let's pump the shit out of this bitch.

Pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it,

pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it.

Shout with me, guys, come on!

Pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it.

I'm almost touching cloth.

I'm almost touching cloth.

OK. Pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it.

If they are not reacting to anything else,

and this is only DEFCON 1, guys, OK?

There is a way to shock them back into life.

Start to undo your trousers.

Erm...

JOKERS GIGGLE 'You can do this. Come on.'

-No, actually, that's it, guys.

-Was that it?

-That was it, yeah.

Paul's failure to undo his trousers gets him his second fail of the day.

Next up, it's Joel.

First of all, there's a lot of things you have to do

before you start the actual procedures.

Firstly just check if it's a boy or a girl.

First one being, check if it's a boy or a girl.

And obviously, if it's a minger, probably kinder to just let them die.

Guys, if it's a minger, probably best to leave it to die, you know what I'm saying?

You tend to sort of go like that, right? And then,

you'll sort of do it as long as you feel...

You'll push out at least 15 farts out of this bastard.

-It may sound very immature...

-'But you will push farts out.'

But you will... You will definitely push farts out.

One more thing that's worth bearing in mind, quite often when they've died,

they will still be stiff.

Think it's only fair to give them a happy ending.

So...

Bearing in mind that they've just died, so it's only fair that you, erm...

-that you, er...

-'Give them a happy ending, Joel.'

Just make sure that you give them a really peaceful ending.

You bottler!

Joel's refusal to carry out his instruction

results in his first fail of the day.

Now it's Roisin.

OK, so what we're going to do, if you come over,

so you can see that he's lying there, he's obviously in trouble.

'First of all, check for a bellybutton.'

So, when you see they are in trouble like this, check for a belly button.

Bingo. What's the next check?

Wallet.

Wallet.

But, you know, if it's got 20 quid, no-one's going to know.

We call that CPR tax,

in the biz!

-Let's see what's next.

-'Nip nips.'

-The nip nips.

Bingo, bingo. We've got a hottie.

Bingo, bingo. We've got a hottie.

Let's go for this. He actually is quite hot.

What I find really, really useful... You OK? What I find really useful.

-Pay attention, please, Hitesh.

-Please pay attention, Hitesh.

Is to do... Are you paying attention or what? Is to do some chanting.

THEY SNIGGER

-SHE CHANTS

-# Hum-ba-hey-yo Hum-ba-hey-yo

# Open your eyes!

# Hum-ba-hey-yo Hum-ba-hey-yo

# Hum-ba-hey-yo Hum-ba-hey-yo

# Open your eyes! #

It's not working. It doesn't always work.

CPR is not to be confused...

-'..with CBT.'

-With CBT. Does anyone know what that is?

It's cock and ball torture.

Erm... I can't really remember any more of it, to be honest.

Roisin bails out at the last minute and gets a fail.

Last up, it's Marek.

Thank you for coming here.

The first thing you want to do in this situation is just...

Check whether they are a dribbler.

Let's first of all check whether they are a dribbler.

I've been involved with too many to go in cold again,

so just check around the mouth first of all.

'You can always put a bit of lipstick on the doll to make it more attractive.'

I find...

To add a bit of incentive,

you can always add a little bit of lipstick to the doll.

-It's actually quite serious, mate, so...

-OK.

If he's had a seizure...

Sniff around the mouth to determine what they've eaten.

To determine what they've eaten, you just need to...

-HE SNIFFS

-Garlic bread.

Is that ball bag? Can you smell ball bag?

-Erm...

-'What can you smell, Marek?'

-Is that ball bag? Can you...?

'Start licking round the mouth.'

'Yeah, that's ball bag.'

Yeah, that is ball bag.

Pick him up and say, "he looks a lot like a guy

"who bullied me at school", and start punching him in the face.

I mean, this guy looks a bit like a guy who bullied me at school, so, erm...

So that's why I'm a bit weird doing this meeting, to be honest.

He looks... It's exactly the same.

Punch him in the face.

Punch in the face.

OK. It's exactly the same as... You know...

That's for...!

Right, well. That's it.

Marek succeeds in making it to the end of his demonstration

and gets his first pass of the day.

At the halfway mark, and after two challenges,

it's Paul who is currently

in last place with two fails.

Challenge number three, and the Jokers are in Glasgow. Their task?

To get complete strangers to take as many photos of them as possible.

The Joker with the lowest number of photos loses, and gets a fail.

First up, it's Paul.

I was just wanting to get someone to take a couple of photos of me.

-No chance.

-Please say no.

-Yeah.

-Lovely, thank you very much.

-Have you done photography before?

-I'm doing it at college.

You're doing it at college? Brilliant!

-So jammy!

-Unbelievable.

-Legs permanently apart.

- He's just akimbo constantly. - That is a sign of a man with piles.

THEY LAUGH

-How's that? What about one with the Olympics?

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah, yeah.

-'Every pose he's more like an 18th-century chimney sweep.'

That one goes quite nicely with the Greggs.

There's a bus coming up, we got to get this!

-Get that, definitely! Quick! What's he doing?

-What's happening?

You can come on here, man! This is a pedestrianisation.

Get another picture, quick!

Quick! Get another picture! Another one, quick!

She checked her clock. She's getting bored now.

This is great, we're getting some really good stuff, here.

And just quickly, the last one.

The lion's head through the bushes, that is a great shot.

Oh, thank you very much. God bless you. Thank you, take care.

- Oh, and a kiss as well. - Oh, look at him!

So, Paul manages to get eight photos taken,

meaning they need to beat it to avoid getting a fail.

Marek is up next.

I think the problem Marek might come up against is

he looks like he's recently been named and shamed.

-Excuse me. Would you be able to take a photo of me?

-Yeah.

I'm only here for one day...

A few different ones.

Try and make me look cool.

He won't get loads with this game.

Keep pressing it. Get as many as possible.

I want to make myself one of those animation films.

It's a good pose.

CAMERA WHIRS

HE LAUGHS

I'll do one like I'm about to take off into the sky.

THEY LAUGH

Loads of them like I'm flying...

like I'm flying back home from Glasgow.

Can you get one?

Can you come in the photo with me?

-In the photo.

-With you?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, I've got a friend.

"Look, I've got friends" !

Hands up! Having a good time!

That's amazing!

Thumbs up!

Then I get cross with you. No!

Then you run away.

No!

No! Get lost!

HE LAUGHS

Let me have a quick look.

Can I have one of you like we're mates?

That's good, isn't it?

That's great. Thanks, mate!

CAMERA WHIRS

Marek scores a total of 12 photos,

meaning he's beaten Paul and gets himself a pass.

Now it's Roisin's turn.

Excuse me, would you mind taking a photo of me?

My boyfriend's going away for a long time.

ALL: Ah!

I'm not going to see him for three years.

I want him to see all of my moods. Happy...

Angry...

Do you want to come in with the photo - be angry with me?

I want to make him jealous, as well.

Come in, on you go.

Let's all do "angry".

Who are all these people?!

Let's do "sexy".

Take two of each!

That's brilliant. Excellent.

Go on mate - run off with the camera.

Look at me like you love me. Take as many as you can of us.

She's trying to get off with everyone she talks to.

Thank you - just a couple more, just here.

CAMERA WHIRS

A bit lower.

Good one.

Can I have a quick look?

She's losing, she's panicking.

Take them in succession - catch all my walking.

THEY LAUGH

Just keep taking them.

"Keep taking them"!

CAMERA WHIRS

That's 40 photos to Roisin, meaning she's in the clear,

and gets a pass.

Finally, it's Joel.

To avoid getting a fail,

he must better Paul's total of eight photos.

'This guy.'

Excuse me, sir.

I was wondering if you could take a few pictures of me

whilst I'm in this beautiful place. Is that all right?

No problem.

-Sorry, are you in a rush?

-No, not at all.

-Excellent.

-Aw! Not in a rush!

-No!

Top right. Get the statue in - that would be great.

'He's done this before. He's even doing the light!'

'Looks "thorough", if I'd to sum him up in one word.'

This man's amazing.

This bloke's a camera thief!

'Oh, that would be so funny!'

-He doesn't know how to work the zoom.

-God love him.

'Just press "zoom out".'

'I'd love him to run off with the camera.'

THEY LAUGH

Surely you can't see Joel from that distance!

Have a look, see what you think.

He's just stumbled on the most generous man in the world!

There was one that I needed.

The wanted photos of me doing a full lap of this statue.

Is that all right?

'Go!'

Just take as many photos as you can. this is perfect!

I can't believe he's fallen for this!

Just get one the other way, then we'll finish this off.

-Let's do one more this way.

-'It's unprecedented.'

-We have two each way.

-'Look at him!'

This is perfect!

They will love this!

Oh, you're so good!

Give me a hug, sir - you've been amazing.

Thanks so much for your help - have a lovely day!

So Joel only manages to get six photos taken,

meaning he comes last and gets another fail.

Which means, going into the Final Challenge,

it's all to play for,

as both Paul and Joel have two fails each.

But who will lose overall and face this week's forfeit?

Let's find out, as we head into the Final Challenge.

The Jokers are in London and posing as sports reporters,

interviewing members of the public.

They don't know what they'll interview them about,

as they have to do and say everything the other Jokers tell them to.

If they refuse, they lose.

First up, and currently in joint-last place,

it's Joel.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions

for a media website we're setting up?

It's about sport.

-Are you a sporty person?

-No.

You're pretty fit, though, right?

THEY LAUGH

-You're pretty fit though, right?

-Oh, yeah.

If you were to go and watch

any football team at all...

Tottenham.

Tottenham's your team, yeah?

Now shout, "Tottenham!"

He's from round that area.

"Tottenham!" Yeah?

Like, "Tottenham!"

Shout it.

-SHOUTING:

-"Tottenham!"

"Tottenham!"

I know their song.

I know their song.

Make it up.

There's this...

I can't even remember, I went there last week.

"Balls, balls..."

It was like, "Tottenham!

"balls, balls..."

"Tottenham! Balls, balls, balls."

You talk about balls a lot.

I do talk about balls a lot.

"Balls, balls, balls!"

Louder and louder.

-SHOUTING:

-"Balls! Tottenham, balls!

"Ba-a-a-alls.

"Balls!"

THEY LAUGH

"Balls! Balls!"

-Are we done?

-I think I'm done.

So Joel bags himself that all-important pass,

but will it be enough to avoid facing the forfeit?

Next up, it's Roisin.

Is it possible I can ask you a few questions about sport...

-for a new website based on sport?

-OK.

Wonderful. How would you get kids into sport?

I guess, offer more sports at school.

'Sing it back to her.'

# I didn't really get into sport when I was little. #

I'll just clarify. You said...

# I didn't really get into sport when I was little. #

-Yeah.

-Yeah. OK, brilliant.

What is your favourite sport?

-I like dancing.

-'Sing it back.'

You like dancing?

OK.

In the style of a rap star.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-You like dancing?

And prancing and moving around?

Ask why.

Can I just ask you why?

I guess I don't play any competitive sports myself.

'Why?'

-Why?

-I don't really know.

Why?

-Why?

-I don't know.

Now start asking questions in the style of an American preacher.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-You're at a football game...

and everybody's watching.

"All the people watching the game now!"

All the people watching, and they're cheering!

"And they're screaming their souls dry!"

And they're screaming, "Please let them win!

"PLEASE LET THEM WIN!

"I can't take another loss!"

Would you be happy? Would you watch it?

Yeah.

You'd watch that...?

THEY LAUGH

That's another pass for Roisin.

Next, it's Marek.

Hello, sir. Can you answer some questions for a new sports website?

Thanks, mate.

"I'm from a cricket website called LBW - Leg Before Willy."

It's a cricket website - Leg Before Willy.

-Do you know anything about cricket?

-Not much.

You are cricket-crazy, say.

I'm cricket-crazy!

Ask him a question and never get to the actual question.

Really long-winded.

Sorry...

When you first go to...

the place...

after you've... when you've finished,

when you see them start...

after that bit, when...

'Keep going.'

..During the early stages.

Stop - and just stare at him, straight in the face.

You've lost me.

THEY LAUGH

I think he's lost me now.

Hold it!

Thanks a lot. See you later.

"Cricket-crazy"!

Cricket-crazy.

That's a pass for Marek.

Where's John gone?

Finally, it's Paul.

If he's to avoid facing this week's forfeit,

he's got to get himself a pass.

Hello, mate. I'm doing a couple of questions for a sport website.

-Are you up for answering...?

-Yeah!

Could you just stand up - is that OK?

"Actually, sit down - sorry."

Sit down, sorry.

"Stand up."

No, actually, stand up.

Let me get this right.

"You sit down."

Let me just...

OK.

-Dave, are you a sports fan?

-Uh... yeah.

OK. Who's your team?

Erm... Arsenal... down here, and Halifax, up in Yorkshire.

Reveal the horror of your own life. Your wife's left you.

HE SIGHS

I love Arsenal, as well.

Sorry about this, man.

I'm having a hard time at the moment.

My wife's just left me...

and everything reminds me...

OK, so, Halifax -

-do you go and watch Halifax a lot?

-Not now.

"She's taken the kids."

HE SIGHS

She took the kids.

It's not funny.

"They were fat pricks, but..."

I mean, they were fat pricks...

Oh, were they?

HE LAUGHS

Dave, let's talk football.

What d'you think of Spain?

Er... the best team.

"That's where my wife is now, that bitch."

That's where my wife is now, the fucking bitch.

England are crap.

Shout "I'm a shell of a man."

Silly cow - I'm a fucking shell of a man, Dave.

Just start shouting it.

I'm a SHELL of a man!

Give him the microphone and walk off.

Just take that a minute, Dave. I'm a fucking shell of a man.

HE SIGHS

Just walk off. Keep walking.

THEY LAUGH

Don't take my job, it's all I've got.

THEY LAUGH

It's the only thing I've bloody got left.

"Do me a favour and shut your fucking mouth."

Dave, do me a favour.

-HE LAUGHS

-OK, it's been a fantastic afternoon, Dave.

God bless you, thank you very much.

Dave!

So Paul bottles it and gets his third fail of the day...

meaning he finishes in last place,

making him this week's loser.

And now he has to face the consequences.

With three fails to his name, it's time for Paul's mystery forfeit,

which will take place in this busy bookshop

and in front of an audience.

Hello, Paul McCaffrey.

Get off!

-You seem stressed.

-I AM stressed.

Well, you should be.

You have to go and read a passage of your latest novel.

ROISIN: The one you've written?

There's a lot of people downstairs waiting for you

to do an extract from your new book.

This is the book you'll read from.

I know you've spent a lot of time working on it.

It's Pablo & Pascal Go To Mykonos.

By Paul McCaffrey - a gay whodunnit.

Don't open it now.

You have to read it when you get in front of the people.

This is out of order.

Yeah, it is. See you later, mate. Bye!

Unfortunately for Paul, the Jokers forgot to tell him

that the pages in his book are all blank.

Please join me in welcoming Paul McCaffrey.

APPLAUSE

Confidence finally gone!

Hello, thank you very much. It's very kind of you to listen.

I'll just be reading a short

passage from my new novel.

THEY LAUGH

It's nothing but blank pages to be found there, Paul.

Pablo came out from the pool.

His body was glistening in the sunlight.

Pascal was sat...

on his...

sorry, that's the wrong chapter.

HE LAUGHS

OK.

No, that is the right chapter. Sorry!

It was a hot day.

The atmosphere was one of...

horror. Shock.

With an undercurrent of joy.

Dinner that night was fraught

with... confusion...

complications...

and a lovely chicken dinner.

Plump...

and cooked just-so.

They possibly hadn't done enough potatoes,

but this was something they were not going to let get in the way of a lovely meal.

HE LAUGHS

That's the end of chapter three, guys.

I'd like to throw it out to the floor -

if anyone has questions about the book, feel free to ask.

No questions! No interest whatsoever!

No? OK, well,

all it remains for me to say is thank you very much for listening,

and enjoy the rest of your evening. Thanks very much. Cheers. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

-HE WHISPERS:

-That was a horror. That was horrendous.

I'll tell you what - next week, I'll get you back.

That was out of order - one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever had to do.

Mark my words - I'll get you back.

Next week.

That's all for this week.

Coming soon, Paul is out of control...

and Marek takes up photography.

This is some of the best stuff I've ever done.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd