Episode 5 Impractical Jokers

This programme contains some strong language

'This is Impractical Jokers, the hidden camera show

'where four friends compete to embarrass each other

'in everyday situations.

-'The jokers are Joel Dommett...'

-Balls, balls, balls.

-'..Roisin Conaty...'

-Nip-nips.

-'..Paul McCaffrey...'

-Yeah!

-'..and Marek Larwood.'

-Look at me!

Pushing each other to the limit,

they take it in turns to complete embarrassing challenges.

They've got to do or say

everything the jokers tell them, via a hidden earpiece

Howl like a werewolf.

HE HOWLS

But if they refuse, they lose and face a humiliating forfeit.

It's a ruthless fight to the finish

where there are no winners, just a loser.

It's time for challenge one,

and our jokers are posing as photographers in a shopping centre,

where they'll be taking portrait photos of members of the public.

But they've got to do and say

everything the other jokers tell them to, via the hidden earpiece,

and if they refuse, they lose.

First up, it's Marek.

Hello there, would you like a free portrait today? Today only.

Brilliant. Thank you so much. Absolutely free, a bit of fun.

We're doing it cos we're thinking of setting up a shop,

so we're doing lots of free ones today, to get people interested.

-Just take a seat there. What's your name?

-Rebecca.

-My name's Marek.

-Thank you so much.

-Nice to meet you.

-Let's do a couple of shots.

-Drop to the floor.

Got some new techniques - I'm just going to do this...

Now start rolling across the floor, photographing.

That is perfect. Don't worry about that. That is perfect.

I mean, that is really...

This is some of the best stuff I've ever done.

Keep smiling. Look at the camera, please. That's it.

I mean, this is amazing.

That is beautiful, actually.

Keep looking at the camera.

Don't worry about that. Get out of it.

Do some sexy poses.

-Wonderful. That is wonderful.

-Get lower, lower.

-Keep looking to...

-More sexy, more sexy.

-Get sexy.

-More sexy.

It helps if I pose, too.

I mean, I can do my human tripod, if you want.

-No.

-Wonderful. You've been brilliant, thank you.

You're made of magic. I'm made of sand.

Perfect, perfect.

So, Marek passed his challenge and gets the first pass of the day.

Next up, it's Roisin.

-Hiya, would you be interested in a free photo today?

-Free photo?

-Yeah!

-Some people say a picture tells 1,000 words.

-Me? I think one.

-I think one.

-'Ah, yeah!'

That word is...

ah, yeah!

-Take one picture of him, then one of yourself.

-One for you.

One for me.

One for you.

One for me.

-One for you...

-Roisin, if you part the curtains,

there's a lovely backdrop that we've prepared for you.

We're going to have a new backdrop, just to spice things up.

JOKERS GIGGLE

-'How do you like that?'

-That is...

I've stopped working out though, so I've lost my physique.

Would you like to stand just up next to the backdrop?

Ask him if he's seen your thighs.

Have you seen my thighs?

-They used to call me the nutcracker.

-They used to call me the nutcracker.

-Get him to put his hand on your thigh.

-If you just put your hand on the backdrop.

OK, no. That's enough of that backdrop.

Easy, Tiger!

Start taking photos of his crotch.

Roisin refuses the money shot,

so she gets the first fail of the day.

Now, it's Paul.

OK, let's just get a couple going, just to start off with. Smile.

-Lovely.

-'A bit more.'

-A bit more.

A bit less.

And just a touch less.

-'A tiny bit more.'

-A tiny bit more.

Now try the backdrop.

Right, OK. So, just going to be doing...

Just going to do something behind this curtain.

God. Oh, no.

OK, I'm really sorry about this.

That's the wrong backdrop, sorry.

'Oh, no!'

I am sorry about that.

Paul refuses to take a photo with the backdrop,

so he gets a fail.

Last up, it's Joel.

What do you want, macho pictures?

What do you want? Sort of, macho pictures? Macho stuff.

Take a seat. Let's do this.

Gradually move closer until the camera is touching his forehead. See how close you can get.

Keep smiling.

Lovely.

Come on, that's great. That is great.

All right, ah!

What a brain!

-You are quite close.

-Yeah, man!

Start moving it down his body. Just taking the camera down his body, just pushing against him.

HE WHEEZES Come on.

Here we go, that's great. That is great. Take a stand.

-Yes, that's the one.

-Just go up against his nipple.

There we go. That's the one.

That the close-up.

-I just wanted to get them lively.

-I want to get them lively a bit.

Take a picture of your own crotch

and say, "This one's for you, sweetheart."

Joel loses his bottle and gets his first fail.

So, at the end of the first challenge,

Roisin, Joel and Paul all have one fail each.

Time for challenge two.

The jokers will be taking it in turns

to pitch their fake autobiographies to a focus group.

They've got to say everything that appears on the projector screen

about their book, which the other jokers have written.

Whoever's pitch scores the lowest from the focus group gets a fail.

-First up, it's Marek.

-Hello, Stuart, how are you doing?

I'm just going to take you through...

the book that's going to be published.

Just a few ideas from chapters, to see if people are interested,

so I can work out which bits are best to focus on, get people's ideas.

So, it's My Life. My name's Marek Larwood. OK, let's have a good look.

I can't sleep without a hankey.

Erm... It's sort of like a security blanket thing.

Things people don't know about me - this is where it gets a bit more interesting.

I put this voice on. It's like a nervous thing, nervous thing.

It's not my actual voice.

My real voice is probably a bit nicer than this.

OK. Erm...

JOKERS GIGGLE

And I'm one-tenth bisexual.

-Have you ever heard of that before?

-No.

It's sort of...

You know, I suppose you like the idea of it.

OK.

I like boobs.

I mean, I probably didn't need to write that as an actual thing. OK.

OK.

Um...

This...

is...

That's a graph.

That's a graph. I just sort of compiled this.

A lot of it's just guesswork.

The End.

The End. That's my book. Thank you for listening.

I'm going to give you some paper to mark me

on what bits you liked about my book.

Thank you very much, lovely to meet you. Take care.

Thanks a lot. Take care.

Based on what we saw, if we're basing it on what I think they want...

I'd be very reluctant...

-How low would you go?

-I would be two or three.

-I was going to say three.

Let's say three.

So, the focus group scores Marek three,

meaning that's the figure to beat, to avoid getting a fail.

'He looks like he's waiting for his parole officer.'

'Someone's told him Paul Weller's dead.'

THEY LAUGH

Hello there. Thank you very much for doing this.

Basically, this is my book.

My Life, by Paul McCaffrey - Working title.

So, I'm just sort of looking to get a bit of feedback, really.

Just to see, kind of, how people feel about it, really.

Things people don't know about me.

Originally from Southampton. Have you ever been?

OK.

Big balls.

Big balls.

Nicknames I've had.

Swimming Paul.

Don't have to explain that one.

Paul Table.

Paul.

Bit unimaginative, but...

Non-tug days.

I think it's important to have them.

Easter Sunday, definite no-no.

Most funerals. There has been the odd one. I will say, most funerals.

The End.

And it's been really nice to meet you both

and I hope you enjoyed what you saw.

Not a lot happened.

There wasn't anything to it, really.

-Give him four.

-Let's say a four.

So Paul scores a four,

meaning he beats Marek and gets himself a pass.

Next up, it's Roisin.

OK, so I'm just going to give you a snapshot of the book.

A feel, so that I can work out where the strengths are

and where the weaknesses are and stuff like that.

Is that all right? Brilliant. So, just go through it.

Things I'm not proud of, in order from least least proud

to most least proud.

Generally, most things.

I wipe from the back to the front.

That's just common sense.

This is one of my favourite bits of the book.

Things I will eat once they've been on the floor.

Everything. Absolutely everything.

My favourite things are...

-tiramisu.

-I love tiramisu.

You love tiramisu? You're going to love this book. A lot about tiramisu.

Other favourite things.

She's going to go mental right now.

THEY LAUGH

And, erm...

over eight inches.

And...

Yeah. I mean, they are... What's not to like about that?

They'd be everyone's favourite.

That's the end. My name's Roisin and I hope you enjoyed my book.

-What do you want to give it out of ten? Six?

-Yeah.

Roisin bags herself a six

and, in the process, gets a pass.

Finally, it's Joel.

If he's to avoid getting a fail,

he must score higher than Marek's three.

Welcome, welcome.

So, basically, today I'm just going to show you general topics and ideas

that will be contained in my book.

Let's just crack straight on. Just crack straight on.

Things people don't know about me.

I instinctively smile when I hate someone. So, erm...

There we go.

I laugh about smiling when I... HE SUBSIDES INTO LAUGHTER

So, erm... These are my top fart noises.

PRRRT!

BLEURT!

PLOOP!

That was a wet one.

I don't know whether that's something I want to include in my book.

Let's do a...

There we go, skip over that one.

That is the end.

-That is literally the end of my life.

-Out of ten?

-I would just say one.

So Joel scores a sorry one,

meaning he comes last and gets a fail.

At the halfway mark, after two challenges,

Joel is in last place, with two fails.

Challenge three, and the jokers will be taking it in turns

to drive a remote-controlled car around a park.

But the car is actually being controlled by the other jokers,

who will be deliberately crashing it into members of the public.

Whichever joker gives in and walks away with the fewest crashes loses.

It's all to play for, and remember, whoever gets the most fails overall

faces a humiliating forfeit at the end of the show.

First up, it's Joel,

who's currently in last place, so he really needs a pass.

This is so horrible.

I can't look. It's too embarrassing.

He just keeps reversing back into him!

He's getting pissed off.

Hi, why do you keep doing this?

Need to get better at this.

Joel gives up after five crashes,

so that's the number to beat, to avoid getting a fail.

Next, it's Marek.

-Right into her arse.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

JOKERS CHUCKLE

Let's get a good run-up.

Oh, God.

Ah, uh...

Come on, Marek.

Here we go.

Sorry, I don't think it's working.

Sorry.

Marek bails out after six crashes, beating Joel

and getting that all-important pass.

Now, it's Paul.

-Go, go, go.

-Quick.

-Follow him.

And again.

THEY CHUCKLE

And then reverse again. Reverse again.

And again.

What?! Don't kill him.

CAR SCREECHES

JOKERS LAUGH

Follow him really slowly, and stop when he stops.

Just follow him really slowly.

Go. Go. Get him.

I've got his foot.

Paul's had enough and walks away.

But he's got seven crashes, so he avoids a fail.

So Roisin needs to beat Joel's score of five crashes to get a pass.

Let me cover you.

I think we're going to do a speed one.

-Get some speed up.

-I know.

You might maim them.

I can't look at them.

She's going round them in circles.

Ooh. She's clocked her.

-ROISIN:

-Sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

Roisin bottles it after only four crashes,

which is the lowest score, and she gets her second fail of the day.

-Fucking bastards. Right over her hand.

-Good driving, Roisin.

Excellent.

Which means, as we head into the final challenge,

it's all to play for, with Joel and Roisin

neck-and-neck on two fails each.

Challenge four and the jokers are posing as foreign-language

teachers, getting prospective students to read phrases

written by the other jokers, but they won't know

the English translation till they turn over the card.

They must do and say everything the other jokers tell them,

and if they don't sign up a new student, they fail.

First up, it's Paul.

-Pleased to meet you. Thanks very much for coming.

-That's all right.

Hi. So, er...let's learn bloody German.

These are flash cards. Basically, I'm going to be going through some common phrases. OK.

Hallo.

-Hallo.

-Hallo.

-OK.

Hello.

Do you want to read this one out?

Ich habe ein Glockenspiel bis mein Hintern.

OK.

I've got a glockenspiel up my bum.

HE LAUGHS

Don't know when you'd need that, but it's always good to know.

-OK.

-Just going to finish off with a traditional German dance.

-Are you a dancer?

-Oh, I love a bit of dancing.

-Slap my thigh!

This dance contains all of the German words in moves.

This dance will basically communicate all of the words in moves.

And then put one hand on your nipple, and off. Look at him.

'Look at him.'

Say Bundesliga.

Bundesliga.

Bundesliga.

Bundesliga.

-'Again. Bundesliga.'

-Bundesliga.

-'Really angry, shout Bundesliga.'

-Bundesliga!

Bundesliga!

-'All right. Sit down. Sit back down.'

-Phew!

-After that taster, would you be interested in signing up for a whole course?

-Yeah.

-No!

-Bundesliga.

-Is that it?

Paul successfully signs up a student, and gets another pass.

Next is Marek.

-Right, OK. Have you ever tried any Icelandic before?

-No.

OK. Right, let's start off with...some flash cards. Just some basic stuff.

Mit-naf-uuurrr.

-Mit-naf-uuurrr.

-Perfect.

To get the right sound, you need to close your mouth more - like this.

To get the sound on that, you need to just close your mouth a bit more.

So it's...

With your mouth like an arsehole.

So it's just a bit, sort of... A bit like an arsehole sort of thing.

OK, so let's move onto the next one, then.

'Do it in the style of a really old man.'

This is quite a traditional old person's sentence,

so I'll do it in an old man's voice.

-COMEDY OLD MAN'S VOICE:

-Kuldi vind...

Kuldi vindur...

'Older. Older.'

Ge... Sorry, I'm not old enough. I need to add another ten years on that. Sorry.

JOKERS CHUCKLE

-RASPING:

-Kuldi vindur...

geirvorturnar minar...

Let's see what that means.

It's, um... The cold wind is turning...

my nipples into coat pegs. OK.

JOKERS EXPLODE WITH LAUGHTER

'Tell her one of the most beautiful things you've ever heard...'

One of the most beautiful things I ever heard...

..is the mating call of a reindeer.

I defy you not to be moved by this.

It's the mating call of the reindeer.

So I'll just do this quickly.

HOO-HOO!

HOO! I'm being hunted, so...

HOO-HOO!

HOO-HOO!

Please don't get me, which translated into Norway is...

HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

HE NEIGHS

HE NEIGHS

So that's, er... That's the reindeer.

-Would you consider taking my class, as a class?

-I don't think so.

Marek's student refuses to sign up,

so he gets his first fail of the day.

Now it's Joel.

With two fails, he desperately needs a pass, to avoid the forfeit.

-It's going to be interesting. Are you excited?

-Yeah.

-Have you ever, sort of, approached Mandarin at all?

-Never.

-So let's do some flash cards.

-So this is just basic?

-Yeah, this is pretty basic stuff.

-OK.

Tam-noo-wa-ashay-wassa-ooh-wadda-cow- tow-kun-yen-a-shi-shi.

-WHISPERS:

-She's pretty good.

That means egg?!

That means egg.

-All of that means egg?

-All of that means egg.

Just try this one.

Um...Wadda-ti-ee-tiem-dushay-ola- hoiz-hwa-long-beetra-a...

When she finishes, look at her and shout, "How dare you?"

How dare you?

It means...

my favourite film is Crouching Dragon, Hidden Hard-On.

-That's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing.

-Ask her if she's seen it.

-Have you seen it?

-No.

-Seen that film?

-No.

-It's a good one.

It's a really good one. Let's try a few more.

Swalla-washum-shvee-fit-sa-hao-si- bor-han.

This one means... Ooh...

You've...

You've made my crispy seaweed go limp.

Would you consider taking a slightly longer course with me in Cantonese?

-Probably.

-Probably?

-She's going to take the course!

-You're joking.

Claire, you're amazing.

Joel turns on the charm, gets her signature

and that all-important pass,

meaning if Roisin fails, she will be crowned this week's loser.

Peter.

Hello, Peter. I'm Roisin. Lovely to meet you. Thanks for coming along.

So we're going to be... I'm going to be going through some of the basics

of French, so first of all...

-Bonjour.

-Bonjour.

-Excellent. A-plus.

Tell him body language is very important with the French.

Body language, Peter, is very important with the French.

Tell him to shrug his shoulders like he doesn't give a shit.

So, um, if you could just

shrug your shoulders, like you don't give a shit.

-OK. Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah? Bonjour.

-Bonjour.

Tell him it's natural to get a boner

-while you're speaking this language.

-OK.

OK. Peter, um... CLEARS THROAT

..as we're going through these cards, it is...

It's actually natural to get a boner

when you're learning a French class sometimes, so just don't worry.

Ignore it.

Anything you'd like to know how to say in French yourself?

Which turning off the roundabout do I take?

Say, to be honest, you just need to get a satnav.

You probably need to get a satnav. You don't need a dictionary for this.

THEY LAUGH BREATHLESSLY

You are now going to confess to a murder in French.

What I'm about to show you is, if it ever happens, because it can

happen - you go on holiday, you've had a night out, you have a drink,

your beret's been nicked, and you end up killing someone.

Typical Friday. And so you've got to confess to a murder.

COMEDY FRENCH ACCENT: Uhhhhh.... J'ai killed 'im!

With the 'ammer.

I was on my 'olidays, and I killed 'im.

And I didn't 'ave a satnav. Oh, j'habite, j'habite Londres!

If I had to ask you today to say yes or no

whether you'd come back to my French class, would you do it?

-MAREK WHISPERS:

-'No.'

Be honest. No.

Based on what you've told me today,

-and if I really wanted to learn French, no.

-No.

Roisin doesn't sign up her student, so that's her third fail...

..making her this week's loser.

Time for Roisin to face the consequences.

THEY SING A BARBERSHOP HARMONY

BOYS: # Roisin! You're the loser Loser, loser! #

You are officially the loser, Roisin.

But don't worry, because you know how you like singing

the whole time? Well, you're going to get the chance to do that today.

You're going to be serenading a table of diners.

But what are you going to sing about?

We are going to give you a song title in your ear, Roisin,

of a song you have to completely make up on the spot.

You horrible arseholes.

-We just set the mark on how good the song needs to be.

-Be lucky.

'Here we go now. He we go. Ah, ah, ah, yeah!'

'So, Roisin,'

have you found the table you want to sing to? There they are.

The big table. The nice big table.

'And the title of your song is going to be...'

Don't Touch Me With Those Grubby Fingers.

'Serenade the restaurant, Roisin, Serenade the restaurant.'

-'Right up to them. Right up to them.'

-'Right up to the table, Roisin. Right up to the table.'

# Don't touch me with those gru...

SHE LAUGHS

# Don't touch me with those with those grubby hands

# Don't touch me with those grubby fingers

# Don't touch me with those grubby hands

# Don't touch me with those grubby fingers

# And if you had washed your hands I'd let you touch me, touch me

# With your grubby... #

We're going to change the track.

It's a reggae track called Babylon Disco. One, two, three, go.

# Dirty hands

-JAMAICAN ACCENT:

-# And then I was at the Babylon disco

# Just dancin' to the music

# Dancin' in Babylon

# Just dancin', just dancin'

# I was dancin' in Babylon

# With my friend named Su-usan. #

Thank you very much.

-WEAK APPLAUSE

-Thank you. Thanks, guys.

I'm actually traumatised.

That's all from Impractical Jokers this week.

Coming soon, the jokers will be analysing handwriting...

You might have worms.

..and trying not to scream.

SCREAMS LOUDLY

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd