Children in Need: Music Monkeys v Chess Pieces Only Connect

Hello. As anyone aware of the recent spate of copycat teddy bear

eye-gougings will know, it's Children in Need time again.

Here at Only Connect we like to do our bit,

and this year it was a raffle -

incredibly loss-making as it turned out,

so now we have to do a quiz to make up for it. Please give generously -

at the moment, we're causing net harm.

As always, a brilliant selection of special guest quizzers

has come along to help us with this endeavour. And tonight they are,

on my right,

novelist, journalist and radio presenter,

currently co-hosting the breakfast show on BBC Radio 3,

Clemency Burton-Hill.

Award-winning novelist

with a PhD in 18th-century painting and satire, Philip Hensher.

And their captain, also a novelist -

no PhD but he does have a double first from Cambridge

so he might at least understand the questions, comedian David Baddiel.

Philip has written an opera libretto and a novel about a composer,

David has co-written and sung on a pop song

that was number one on three separate occasions,

Clemency is a violinist and presenter of the BBC's foremost music channel.

They are the Music Monkeys.

David, are you confident about tonight?

No, absolutely not.

As I think I said when you asked me to do this show

I am the wrong type of clever.

That's me trying to preserve my self-esteem.

Because I just don't think I have the mind for this at all.

But luckily, I have two people with me

who I know are going to back me up and sort that out for me.

Well, I hope you're right.

Clemency, our quizzers always dread the music question,

but presumably you're super-confident - a strong area for you?

Well, I wouldn't say that - the musical highlight of my life was singing David's Three Lions

at Wembley in 1996, it's all been downhill since then

but I'm hoping that maybe tonight's the night

I'm going to rescale some musical heights.

Philip, 18th-century art clearly a strong point for you -

what do you hope WON'T come up?

Well, I've never been able to sort out which Kardashian is which.

That and Western European history I don't really know about.

Those are the two areas to avoid. We'll see. Nothing is safe.

You are facing tonight, on my left,

playwright, novelist and critic,

former deputy chair of the British Museum, Bonnie Greer.

Newspaper columnist

and author of works of biography and popular history, AN Wilson.

And their captain, actor, writer and comedian

with a first-class degree in geography, Hugh Dennis.

Hugh's father is a bishop,

Bonnie is called "queen", a street slang for a sexy older woman,

and AN Wilson will surely one day be a knight - they are the Chess Pieces.

Hugh, you and David go back a long way,

The Mary Whitehouse Experience and you were at university together -

which of you do you think will be the better quizzer?

I think for all his protestations about being rubbish at this,

I think he will be the better quizzer,

but out of the two of us I will be better under questioning.

-That's true.

-Don't you think?

-Yeah, I would give in straight away.

I'll tell you anything you want to know.

Bonnie, we've had phases in the past

where quizzers come along and

if they have an American or Australian on the team

they fall down when it comes to popular culture.

Do you worry about that, or have you lived here

long enough that you're fully on top of Blue Peter and Girls Aloud?

It's all American at the end of the day.

All culture?

Absolutely.

We'll find that out.

Now, AN Wilson,

you've written biographies of Hilaire Belloc, Milton and Jesus -

clearly you have range. Are you a quizzer?

I thought you were going to say, would they be good on a quiz show?

But no, I don't think I'm particularly good

at quizzes, as you're about to find out. But I do have range.

-Excellent.

-I have breadth and no depth.

Self-effacing noises all round. We'll find out.

Very bravely these quizzers are giving their time in hope of

inspiring you to give something to the BBC appeal for Children in Need,

helping to make a positive change to the lives of children

and young people in the UK.

If you feel you can make a donation, go to the website and click Donate:

But for now, let's alleviate suffering by causing suffering -

yes, it's the quiz, you can't get out of it - Chess Pieces, you won the toss,

so you'll be going first.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Erm...Two Reeds?

-Yes.

-Two Reeds, please.

Two Reeds.

I want to know, what is the connection

between four apparently random clues?

First clue coming up now.

Next.

Crikey...

-Next.

-I don't know what these are.

11...

-11.

-11? OK. Erm...

Well, it might be 11 then. Is it?

-Shall we have a go?

-Yes, try it.

BELL

Do you have an answer?

Well, I think the link is 11.

Coming in after three clues for 2,

things that go up to 11.

You didn't need to see the last clue, Spinal Tap's guitar amplifier.

I assume you got it

at spacetime dimensions(?)

Of course, we all got it at that.

I'm more familiar with N-theory, but...

There was a weird gap in spacetime

before they answered the question!

CHESS PIECES LAUGH

I noticed, Mr Wilson,

you saying 11 at clue 3. You a cricketer?

I like watching it,

but I was pretty hopeless at playing it in school days.

You played for England.

Well, I know, but...sprezzatura,

I brush these things off.

Very well done, you're

off the blocks with 2 points.

Music Monkeys, your turn

-for a question.

-Eye of Horus, please.

The Eye of Horus. What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

OK. Next.

1989...

OK...

Beagle...

-Did he come back again?

-He resigned then he came back I think.

-Did Beagle 2 reappear?

-Might have done, yeah.

Three...

-Next.

-Next. Not "Three".

-Oh, yeah...

-Was he...

So, people who...

-Yes. Comeback kids.

-Who came...

Comeback kings?

Did he...? William I, did he...?

-I don't... Mm.

-Shall we have a go?

Next. have next.

Oh...

-WHEN did they happen?

-On Christmas Day.

Two seconds... BELL

Did they all happen...

-on Christmas Day?

-Wow.

Yes, pulling it out of the bag on the last minute -

all happened on Christmas Day.

The word "Christmas" helped.

in the clue.

Christmas Day of 1066

William I was crowned,

Gorbachev resigned in 1990...

-..1?

-1991. Beagle 2

was supposed to land on Mars

at Christmas 2003 but it disappeared.

All happened on Christmas Day.

Chess Pieces, your turn.

-Lion.

-Lion.

What is the connection between these close?

Here's the first.

Next.

Oh, it's Opera, isn't it?

Next.

Elvira is in erm...

-There are...

-They're arias. Aren't they?

They're operatic arias.

BELL

Operatic arias.

I need to hear something else.

-Operatic arias after a death?

-Dreams. They're dead.

Not it, I'm afraid. I'm going to show

the fourth to the Music Monkeys

for a possible bonus point.

It's not dreams, awaking from dreams...?

That's not it either - technically

these are operatic mad scenes.

And in Verdi's Macbeth it's the sleepwalking of Lady Macbeth,

Marie Antoinette, The Ghosts Of Versailles, Corigliano.

Elvira imagines herself married -

which opera's that,

anybody know?

Is it Trovatore?

-It's Bellini's Puritani.

-Oh.

Bonnie, have you written

an opera about Nick Griffin?

It was about being on Question Time.

And it was about people talking about it

and so forth - he wasn't in it at all.

It would have been a mad scene if he was.

Definitely.

Yes, one long mad scene,

-I imagine.

-Yes, very mad.

So you're all in the right area,

but no points.

Music Monkeys, your own question.

-Water.

-Water, please.

MUSICAL CHIME Ah. It's the music question -

should be a good one for you, Music Monkeys.

You'll be hearing these clues -

shout "Next" to hear another one.

Here's the first.

LUSH CLASSICAL PIECE

-It's the Dance Of The Seven Veils...

-Yes.

-OK. Next.

# This helmet I suppose

-# Was meant to ward off foes... #

-Is it Gilbert and Sullivan?

# It's very hot and weighs a lot... #

Oh, it's about executions.

-Do you think?

-Yeah.

-I think we should go for that.

-Let's go for it.

-BELL

OK, they all involve executions.

Beheadings.

Oh, dear... Now, that is a very brave gamble

but unfortunately had you heard

the next clues you would have known

that can't possibly apply. Sorry,

I'm going to have to play

a snatch of the last two pieces

to the Chess Pieces...

# Go over there

# Turn on the light

# No... #

BRASSY BURLESQUE TUNE

-..Take your clothes off. Get your clothes...

-It's clothes.

They're taking clothes off.

Are they all taking clothes off?

They all involve

-the removal of clothing.

-Of clothes.

Good musical knowledge.

You get a bonus point -

well done, Chess Pieces.

And your own question?

-Horned Viper.

-The Horned Viper.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Next.

THEY MUTTER

Next.

-I don't know what that is.

-Next.

-Homer Simpson's...

-Yellow.

Are they all yellow?

These are films, something to do with the director. These are films.

-What?

-These are films. That's the Yakuza.

These are films.

Yeah, these are films.

Are they all films...?

INDISTINCT CONFERRING

-Quick, need an answer.

-BELL

Oh, they're films, they're film directors.

No, although I'd certainly like to see a film directed by Frodo Baggins.

Music Monkeys, for a bonus.

We think it's to do with fingers.

It's to do with how many fingers you have and they all have less fingers,

-so...

-That's enough,

it's to do with missing fingers.

Yes, what can you tell me

about the particular clues?

Well, we got it on Homer Simpson's hands,

because he has three fingers, does he?

Frodo loses a finger when

-what's his name bites it off.

-Gollum.

Transgressing Yakuza members -

must be a punishment.

What is a Yakuza member?

We don't even know what that is.

Yakuza - Japanese mafia.

The tip of the little finger...

I can answer the Kit Kat one.

You eat the Kit Kat

and it's got fewer fingers.

Completely right.

The bonus point goes to the Music Monkeys.

You will also get the last question of the round, the Twisted Flax.

I expect these are going to be picture clues,

cos we haven't had them yet.

What connects these pictures? Here's the first.

OK. Next.

Is it something to do with Toy Story?

Next.

-OK, what is that? Filing cabinet?

-Library catalogue?

Can we see the fourth?

OK, let's see the fourth. Next.

-Basque.

-Basque?

Doll, bear...

Basque. Is it Basque?

-Two seconds.

-Basque.

Oh, no, you're out of time.

Chess Pieces, do you want to have

a go for a bonus point?

Is it, like, teddy, basque...

Is it kind of items of female...

you know, underwear?

It is undergarments.

I am wearing all of them

as we speak in a size extra-large.

-Dear, dear, dear.

-Baby doll, teddy,

drawers and basque. Undergarments.

Well done for the bonus point.

So that means, at the end of Round One,

the Music Monkeys have two points, the Chess Pieces have four.

Before we play Round Two, a quick reminder of why we're here.

Every pound you donate to BBC Children In Need

will support projects helping disadvantaged children

all across the UK. If you'd like to make a donation,

please visit the Children In Need website at...

Please do give something if you can. Every penny counts.

Round Two, the sequences round.

There are still four clues, but you may only see a maximum

of three of them, because I want to know what comes fourth.

Chess Pieces, you'll be going first again.

Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Your go.

-Water.

-Water.

-Water.

OK, what would come fourth

in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

To rub shoulders?

-Next.

-Next.

-Bee's knees.

-So it goes "rub shoulders", "bee's knees"...

-Talking head.

-So it's toes, isn't it?

-It's toes.

-Toes or feet, yes.

It'll be toes or feet.

Well, it's got to be something about...

-..teeny.

-Talking head...

BELL

Toes or feet.

Teeny.

-Teeny for what reason?

-Teeny toes.

We went with "twinkle",

but something that could precede toes

-and why?

-Because it's "talking head", "to rub shoulders", "bee's knees"...

Down the body.

That's right, according to the song

Head, Shoulders, Knees And Toes.

Simple as that.

Music Monkeys, what would you like?

Two Reeds, please.

OK, what would come fourth...

Oh, dear, this is a nasty one.

Please don't say that!

Two Reeds it is, I'm afraid.

We're losing as it is.

What comes fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

-Ebbsfleet.

-What is that?

-Oh, God.

-It's one of those things...

-Next.

New towns? New towns?

Ebbsfleet, I think it's a new town, yeah.

Next.

Yeah, these are all new towns.

-The last wave of new towns.

-I would say Welwyn Garden City.

-Go on.

-OK.

-BELL

Well, it's new towns and presumably the historical chronology

of new towns and we think the first wave will be Welwyn Garden City.

We chose beautiful Bracknell,

but I will accept first wave,

e.g., Welwyn Garden City.

Very well done.

What else might I have taken?

-Hampstead Garden Suburb.

-Letchworth.

I have to say, Victoria,

that's the dullest question

I've ever had to answer.

We've given you one! You really want another one?

Hang on for the end of the show!

Cumbernauld. Peterlee.

You are a geography scholar, I believe.

Yes, I did new towns.

What was your dissertation?

My dissertation was on

the spatial distribution

of elementary education

in 19th century Wakefield.

-Excellent(!)

-The dullest dissertation

anyone's ever done.

I think we've got a question on that coming up,

so hold on to your hats.

But well done, non-geographers,

you got the points, very good.

Chess Pieces, it is your turn

to choose a hieroglyph.

Eye of Horus.

The Eye of Horus.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

-They're plays.

-Hmm...

-Wait, wait...

-BELL

Oh, dear.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Shakespeare plays, so it's fifth, fourth.

Four, two. Henry IV: 2.

Henry IV: 2 is the right answer.

Coming in after two clues,

you get three points.

-Well done, sir.

-Very well done, Mr Wilson.

What's your thinking,

what's the sequence?

There are no plays by Shakespeare as far as we know called Henry VII.

There are three plays called Henry VI.

One called Henry V

and two called Henry IV.

That's absolutely right, Henry IV parts one and two.

That is the sequence, excellent.

Music Monkeys,

your turn for a choice.

-Um, Lion, please.

-Lion.

What would be fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Don't know what that is. Next, please.

-Any thoughts?

-No thoughts.

-Next.

-Oh, are they...

-Cocktails?

nicknames for monarchs,

in which case it would be the Virgin Queen.

Old Coppernose...

That might be Henry VIII.

The Boy King would be...would be...

-Yes.

-..the son of Bloody Mary.

I'd try the Virgin Queen.

-I'd just go for that.

-OK.

-BELL

Nicknames, we think these are, for monarchs,

Elizabethan-period monarchs, so we think Virgin Queen.

Virgin Queen or Gloriana or Good Queen Bess

all acceptable answers.

They are nicknames of Tudor sovereigns going forwards.

Last choice of the round for you,

Chess Pieces. Which one?

-Well, Twisted Flax.

-That's us.

-That's us.

-We're twisted.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

BELL

Goodge Street, Warren Street,

Tottenham Court Road,

-Leicester Square.

-Yes.

No, Warren Street... We're going the other way.

-Goodge Street, Warren Street...

-Euston.

No, no, Mornington Crescent,

Camden Town.

Mornington Crescent...

I need to press you for an answer.

Mornington Crescent, Camden Town.

Which of those is your answer?

Sorry, I thought there were two answers.

I need to know what comes fourth in the sequence.

-Euston...

-Camden Town.

Camden Town is not the right answer, I'm afraid.

I'm going to show you the third in the sequence

-for a possible bonus point.

-I think Mornington Crescent is right.

Mornington Crescent.

I have never been happier.

Finally, I am on a quiz where

the answer is Mornington Crescent.

These are stations travelling north

on the Northern Line.

They're all on there,

Camden Town is in that direction,

but first you would get

to Mornington Crescent.

-Except on a Sunday.

-Exactly.

When it's closed.

Sunday it's closed.

We were giving the answer for Sunday.

I see! Unfortunately,

-I choose not to accept it.

-No? OK.

So Mornington Crescent, well done, you get the bonus point

and the last question of the round, the Horned Viper.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

They are going to be picture clues,

so what would you expect to see in the fourth picture?

Here's the first.

I think that's Kenny G.

OK, next.

-C major.

-So it's like, G - C.

C major chord.

Next.

-That's H from Steps.

-So GCHQ. Q.

-OK. So the answer is...

-BELL

The answer is a Q in some way,

so you could have a picture of a Q, cos it's GCHQ.

Or people outside McDonald's.

Or lovely Ben Whishaw from

the Bond films, who now plays Q.

Very well done.

That means at the end of Round Two,

the Music Monkeys have nine points,

the Chess Pieces have nine points.

-Oh!

-Oh!

Time now for the Connecting Wall,

16 jumbled-up clues that the teams must sort

into four connected groups of four,

avoiding the red herrings to make a perfect solution.

Music Monkeys, you'll be going first this time and you have a choice -

-Lion or Water?

-What do we think?

-Lion.

-Lion.

-Lion it is.

You have two and a half minutes to solve the Lion wall, starting now.

Uh, Are You Being Served?

-Yes, Mr Humphries, Slocombe, Peacock and...

-Grace?

Old Mr Grace, yep.

-OK.

-Naughtie, Montague...

The Today Programme, so Husain, Naughtie, Montague,

-who else?

-Webb.

-Webb.

-Three strikes and you're out now.

-These are, um...

Could they be chillies?

Scotch bonnet? Yes, possibly.

Scotch pancake.

So Scotch is before it.

-Scotch broth.

-Scotch broth.

-Scotch mist?

-Scotch mist?

-Hang on.

-I'm pretty sure that's right.

I'm going to put three, bonnet, broth, pancake.

That's all Scotch before it. Corner.

-Scotch Corner exists.

-Or Scotch mist.

-Scotch Corner exists. Oh!

-BUZZ

-Two more goes.

-It does exist. Scotch mist, then?

It definitely is Scotch. These are definitely Scotch.

Let's think about what coin, salad, coin and caber would be.

The thing is that there's lots of Scotch things.

-There's only one extra.

-Scotch caber.

-Scotch caber?

-What would caber...?

-It has to be Scotch before it.

-OK.

-So I think it's mist.

We've got two more.

-What would the other one be?

-That's what I'm thinking about.

If it was these two, it'd be caber, corner, coin and salad.

Let's just take these out of the equation,

so we can see what we're dealing with.

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

-Coin and salad must be in the same...

-What's caber?

-What is a caber?

-A caber's like a think that you chuck.

-Yes.

-In the Highland games. That's slightly confusing.

-Ah, is coin a game as well?

-You toss a coin, you toss a caber.

You toss a pancake.

Toss a pancake!

-Right, OK.

-OK.

-And you toss a salad!

-And you toss a salad. Yeah, that's it.

That's it, you've solved the wall.

Very well done. Red herrings neatly dodged.

So, four points immediately for the groups you found.

-What about the connections?

-You got straight away...

Peacock, Humphries, Slocombe, Grace?

It was Mrs Slocombe. It's Are You Being Served? characters.

Are you a big fan of that show, Philip?

Oh, I could quote great swathes of it.

What about the green group?

Husain, Webb, Naughtie, let's say for now, Montague.

They are Today Show presenter.

They are presenters on the Radio 4 programme Today.

Can you tell me their first names?

Mishal, Justin, James and Sarah.

All presenters on the Today programme.

And the pink or purple group - caber, coin, pancake, salad.

That's the one that we nearly got wrong,

because some of those can be Scotch.

But that is things you can toss.

All things that can be tossed.

And the light blue group - mist, bonnet, corner, broth?

-Scotch things.

-That's Scotch things.

Those are the Scotch things, well done.

Four points for the groups you found, four for the connections.

A bonus two for getting it all right.

That is the maximum of ten.

Let's bring in the Chess Pieces now, give them a new Connecting Wall

with 16 different clues on it.

See if they can sort it out.

You'll be getting the Water wall, because the Lion's been taken.

You have two and a half minutes to solve it,

starting now.

Right, OK.

Um...

What's that one?

-That's Welsh.

-Is it?

-Is it?

-I think it probably is.

This all means "free".

-Gratuit, frei...

-And gratis.

Gratis, OK.

OK, pig's ear is making a mess of something.

Well, crick was... It could be crick.

This is slang.

This could be, yeah.

Sherbet, snow - are these words for...

-Yeah, sherbet, snow...

-..drugs?

So let's go for a druggy-sounding thing.

What do we think?

BUZZ

What do we think, what else?

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

-A jar...

-This is hitting me - a jar, brew...

-A sherbet is beer, isn't it?

Yeah, let's do it.

And a tinny is a small beer, yeah.

-BUZZ

-No.

OK, tinny, jar...

Tinny, jar...

-Brew.

-Brew, and...

-Must be sherbet.

-No, we did sherbet.

Mason.

Jar, tinny, brew...

THEY CONFER QUIETLY, BUZZ

You're able to wrench, sprain, crick and pull yourself.

A wrench and a sprain is how you hurt yourself, a crick in the neck,

-a pull in the shoulder.

-BUZZ

Wrench, sprain...

Jar, you could do.

You could jar, wrench, sprain...

Wrench, crick.

No, wrench and pull.

Jar, pull, wrench and sprain.

-Yes.

-OK.

-Right.

Three strikes and you're out now.

We've got to do this, so pig's ear, what is that?

I know tinny and brew are together, that's for sure.

Do you think that's...?

Cardinal Newman, Cardinal Mason, Cardinal Crick.

-Do you think that's a whimsical name for a beer, a pig's ear?

-Could be.

These two are together.

So pig's ear, brew, sherbet and tinny.

-Try that.

-Yeah, try it.

What happens to the bottom one? We've got to work out...

That's it, you've solved the wall.

So four points for the groups.

What about the connections?

The first one - am ddim, frei, gratuis...

"Am ddim" is "free" in Welsh.

-French...

-They all mean free.

I thought you'd be there for a while because of the "am ddim".

Do you speak Welsh?

I was brought up in South Wales.

SHE SPEAKS WELSH I had no idea!

Diolch yn fawr.

-That's amazing.

-Bore da.

Yes, the am ddim was meant to hold you up, but it really didn't.

Welsh speakers. Well done, they all mean "free".

Next group - jar, pull, wrench, sprain.

Muscles, they can happen to your muscles.

Injuries, isn't it?

Injuries that you can do to your body.

What about the purple group - pig's ear, tinny?

-I think that's all to do with drinking.

-Booze.

-It's beer.

-All slang terms for beer.

And the light blue group - mason, snow, crick, Newman.

It could be lion, yeah.

No, let's not. Let's go for cardinals.

It's neither of those things, they're presenters on Channel 4 News.

Jon Snow, Cathy Newman, Michael Crick,

-Paul Mason.

-Who would know that?

Channel 4 News presenters.

So four points for the groups you found and three for the connections.

That is a total of seven.

Let's have a look at the scores going into the final round.

Time now for the Missing Vowels Round.

We've taken well-known names, phrases and sayings,

taken out the vowels and re-spaced the consonants

and I want the teams to tell me what the disguised clues are.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

I'm going to tell you that the first group are all...

Pieces?

I don't know why I pressed it.

Too long, I'm afraid. You lose a point. Monkeys, do you know?

-No.

-It's Byker Grove.

Next clue.

Pieces.

No, I was going to say When The Boat Comes In. That simply doesn't work.

That's not it, I'm afraid. Monkeys, do you know?

-Wire In The Blood.

-It's Wire In The Blood. Next clue.

Monkeys?

-Our Friends In The North.

-Is the right answer.

Monkeys.

-When The Boat Comes In.

-That's When The Boat Comes In.

Would you have got that if I hadn't said that a minute ago?

Next category...

Monkeys?

-Confetti.

-Correct.

Pieces?

-Bouquet?

-Correct.

Pieces.

-Marquee.

-Correct.

TIME-UP JINGLE

No time to give me that answer. What would you have said?

The father of the bride.

Would have been the right answer,

but the bell has gone

for the end of the quiz.

Looking at the final scores,

I can reveal that the winners

with an excellent 23 points

are the Music Monkeys.

Finishing second with an equally creditable 16,

it's the Chess Pieces.

Very well done, all of you, particularly your side,

the winning team - you were all great.

Thank you very much for coming

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