Tubers v Bardophiles Only Connect

Hello, and welcome to a brand-new series of Only Connect,

where once again our intrepid quizzers will have to find

connections between clues as isolated, impenetrable

and shrouded in mist as the peaks of the Scottish Highlands.

Equipped with metaphorical crampons

and literal breathing apparatus,

will tonight's teams scale the heights of

quizzing achievement, or be forced back down to wallow

in a loch of disappointment, battling monsters of inner defeat?

We'll find out by nine o'clock tonight.

It would have been sooner if I hadn't said all this.

Kicking off the competition this year we have - on my right,

David Prevezer, a history graduate who works for the

Financial Conduct Authority and has visited Japan six times.

Hugh Brady, a scientist and keen athlete who vomited while running

the Berlin Marathon, and their captain Jack Welsby,

a chartered accountant with a degree in maths who was once

baby-sat by a Booker prize-winner.

United by an affection for the Underground, they are the Tubers.

So, Jack, how is your team feeling in advance of its first appearance?

I think we're in that sweet spot

between equivocation and vacillation.

A very happy place to be.

May you remain there for many episodes.

You'll be competing against, on my left, Charlie Cook,

a retired IT specialist and part-time playwright,

whose Sherlock Holmes satire has been performed on every continent

except Antarctica.

Tim Hepworth, an IT consultant who was born with two thumbs on one hand

and their captain, Sue Barnard, a novelist with

an interest in amateur dramatics who is often mistaken for a Belgian.

United by a passion for poetry, they are the Bardophiles,

a team of literary enthusiasts.

How do you know each other?

We're united by Charlie's twin passions for IT and the theatre.

That's an unusual pair of passions.

-It is.

-I hope that sees you through to victory.

Nothing against you, I hope everybody wins.

We're going to start with Round One, in which teams simply have to find

the connection between four apparently random clues.

The fewer clues they need to see, the more points they get.

And the connections will be lateral, calling for some major thinking.

Tubers, you've already won something - the toss -

so you'll be going first.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

Two flowering reeds please.

OK, the Two Reeds.

I'm going to show you a clue - shout next whenever you want another one.

Here's the first.

Next please.

Next please.

Theatre awards.

Hugh.

They're theatre awards of those countries...

They're named after those... They're eponymous.

These are people that have given

their names to theatre awards in

different countries.

You didn't need to see

Laurence Olivier,

the Olivier Awards.

You recognised it at that

third clue. What are the awards?

The Tonys.

That's right, Antoinette Perry,

the actor. A rather unsung actor,

but she has given her name,

or nickname, to the Tony awards.

Le Moliere in France

and the Alfred Radok awards

in the Czech Republic.

As can imagine, it's mostly

jukebox musicals over there.

So you're off the blocks with two points, very well done.

Bardophiles, what would you like?

Lion please.

The Lion question, OK.

These are going to be picture clues, but work the same way.

Something connects them, what is it?

Here's the first.

Next.

Next.

Next.

They share their surnames with composers.

Interesting.

I'm going to let you have another go

and I want to hear something

very specific.

Britain.

They all have the surname Britain, not just composers,

but the composer Benjamin Britten who actually appears at clue two.

Who are we looking at?

Vera Brittain is clue one.

Benjamin Britten clue two.

Fern Britton and Leon Brittan.

That's exactly right.

Vera Brittain, the feminist mother of Shirley Williams.

The composer himself at clue two.

Fern Britton, and Leon Brittan, who

was in Margaret Thatcher's cabinet.

So you've got one point and, Tubers, it's back to you to choose.

The wick of Twisted Flax please.

The wick of Twisted Flax.

Correctly named question. Is it a good choice?

You first clue is coming up now.

Next please.

Umbrellas.

Coming in after two clues,

you get three points.

Umbrellas is the connection.

I'm going to show you all four.

You didn't need them all.

Talk me through them.

How does the connection work?

Ten weeks at number one is Rhianna with umbrella.

Mary Poppins flew in on her umbrella.

Right. What about the first two?

The Hong Kong protests were called the Umbrella protests,

and Hegel's Holiday, I'm afraid I don't know.

Yes, in Hong Kong, they used

umbrellas to protect themselves

rather poignantly against tear gas.

Hegel's Holiday is an image of an

umbrella with a glass of water

on top of it. Because Hegel favoured

a dialectic, I think it's something

to do with... Umbrella stops water

and a glass contains it,

something like that.

Well done.

Back to you, Bardophiles, for a choice.

Eye of Horus please.

The Eye of Horus.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Next.

Next.

They're all semis.

Semifinals, semiconductors...

No, I'm afraid that wouldn't really apply at the first clue.

I think, if the semifinal decides

the champions, we have booked

too many shows for this series,

I can tell you.

So I'm afraid that's not the answer.

I'm going to show the fourth clue

to the Tubers - you've got the chance for a bonus point.

They're all super.

It's super.

It's not semi.

Do you know what these clues are referring to?

Written above normal script is superscript.

Losing resistance is superconductivity.

I suppose that's a supernova and the Super Bowl.

The Super Bowl.

So the bowl becomes the

Super Bowl when it's the final,

nova becomes supernova and so on.

So super is the connection.

You get a bonus point and the chance to choose your own question.

Water please.

Water. Ah, the music question.

This works the same as the others, but you'll be hearing the clues.

Something connects them, what is it?

The first one is coming in now.

Next please.

# Ain't it a glorious day

# Right as a morning in May

# I feel like I could fly. #

Next please.

# 1, 2, 3

# Summer, Buddy Holly The working folly

# Good golly, Miss Molly and boats

# Hammersmith Palais The Bolshoi Ballet

# Jump back in the alley and nanny goats. #

Next please.

# Other girls may try to take me away. #

-Three seconds.

-Holidays.

Holidays is not it, I'm afraid.

So you've got the chance of a bonus point now, Bardophiles. Do you know?

Is it numbers?

It's not numbers.

Now we heard the words "Part 3" in the third clue.

You're saying holidays, because the second piece was Jolly Holiday

from Mary Poppins. You want the other word.

We heard Franz Lehar's

The Merry Widow Waltz, Jolly Holiday,

Reasons To Be Cheerful Part 3, that's Ian Dury.

The last one was The Dave Clark Five, Glad All Over.

Words indicating merriment

or jollity, that was it.

So no bonus point, Bardophiles,

but you do get the last question of the round, it's the Horned Viper.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Next.

Next.

Next.

Three seconds.

They climb in over balconies.

I need you to be a lot more specific than that.

Any thoughts?

No, I'm afraid I can't take that.

Tubers, you have the chance

of a bonus point.

Have they all come into people's houses when they're not expected?

You need to be more specific as well. It's for a bonus point.

At night.

I can't take it, not for a bonus.

It wasn't actually at night.

Michael Fagan went in the morning -

you're thinking, cos the Queen was in bed at the time,

but it was seven o'clock in the morning he broke in there.

Do you know when she raised the alarm?

When he asked for cigarettes.

It was. The Queen didn't mind the break-in, but she hates smoking.

He asked for cigarettes,

she raised the alarm.

Brownies I think not obviously the

children version of the scouts.

Brownies are sort of Scottish

goblins who come in and perform

chores at night and are rewarded with porridge.

Freddy Krueger of course

from Nightmare On Elm Street

and Milk Tray Man, that rather

creepy advertising figure who

sneaked into women's bedrooms

and left chocolate.

But no points there.

At the end of Round One,

the Bardophiles have one point,

the Tubers have six.

Round Two is the sequences round.

There are still four clues, they're still connected, but this time the

fourth clue is hidden and the teams have to tell me what it is.

They must work out the sequence and then tell me what comes fourth.

Tubers, you'll be going first again.

Please choose your sequential hieroglyph.

Two Reeds please.

OK, the Two Reeds.

You'll be seeing the first in a sequence,

I want to know what comes fourth. The time starts now.

Next please.

Next please.

Three seconds.

4 of 4 - 5 obverse.

That is the right answer.

And why? What's the sequence?

I think it's to do with the presidents on Mount Rushmore.

That's right.

So it was Washington, Jefferson, I presume Roosevelt comes next,

and hence Lincoln is on the reverse of the five dollar bill.

That's right, it's the presidents

going along Mount Rushmore from left

to right and the banknotes on which they appear. Roosevelt doesn't

actually appear on a banknote, just the odd special coin.

But Lincoln's on the obverse

of the five dollar bill. Well done.

Bardophiles, what would you like?

Lion please.

The Lion, OK.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next please.

Next.

Two Gentlemen Of Verona.

-The opening line.

-Oh, gosh.

What is it that you think

I want to hear?

The opening line of something with two in the title.

I'll accept that, you know what

we're looking for. I'd like to have

heard the actual opening line.

I don't know the opening line of

Two Gentlemen Of Verona myself.

We went for A Tale Of Two Cities,

that long one about, "It was the best of times..."

But you're right. These are the first lines

of books containing numbers.

Do you know what the books are?

The second one is The Sign Of Four.

The third one is Three Men In A Boat.

We're not sure about the first.

Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut.

Tubers, your turn for a choice.

The wick of Twisted Flax please.

The wick of Twisted Flax, OK.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next please.

Next please.

Blackstar.

Is the right answer.

I heard you muttering, but what is the sequence?

They're David Bowie albums up to the most recent one.

You are absolutely right,

they are David Bowie albums.

And Blackstar, hailed by

many fans as a great album,

was the most recent and, I think we can probably assume, the last.

Well done.

Bardophiles, what would you like next?

-Water please.

-Water.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next please.

Next please.

George the... I beg your pardon.

George VIII.

I'm afraid that is not right answer.

So, Tubers, you have the chance of a bonus point.

Charles III.

Charles III is the right answer.

It is a reverse order of succession.

So King Charles would be Charles III,

then, going backwards, his son William, William V.

George VII would be William's son

and, the daughter, Charlotte I.

I might have accepted George VII.

Why?

They're saying Charles is going to take George rather than Charles.

Some people say Prince Charles will not use the name Charles

when he ascends the throne, because it's unlucky. He might take George

and then he'd be George VII and the

grandson would be George VIII.

But George VIII not an answer in a sequence, I'm afraid.

So you get the bonus point, Tubers. Well done.

Which question would you like?

Horned Viper please.

These are going to be picture clues.

What sort of thing might you expect to see in the last picture?

Here's the first.

Next please.

Next please.

Three seconds.

I'm afraid you're out of time.

The clock is on zero.

So, Bardophiles, you have the chance of a bonus point.

-I can't think of a thing.

-No.

I can't give you long.

Nothing, OK.

People associate Mr Spock

with a hand signal.

Can you do it?

We can, but we're not going to.

Do it. I'm in my special

Star Trek style outfit.

It's this sort of thing, isn't it?

That's right, exactly.

A four-fingered gesture based,

some people say,

on the Jewish priestly blessing.

A scout - three fingers of course.

Winston Churchill, two fingers.

I want to hear someone that's associated

with a single-finger gesture.

For example, a cricket umpire

like lovely Dickie Bird

we're featuring in that picture.

So, no points there.

Bardophiles, you may have the last question of the round,

the Eye of Horus. What kind of thing would come fourth in the sequence?

Here's the first.

Next please.

Stupid boy.

Is an acceptable answer.

Very well done, you get three points.

And why, what's the sequence?

They are catchphrases from characters in Dad's Army,

going up by rank.

They are going up by rank.

Can you tell me who is...?

"We're doomed, I tell you," is Private Fraser.

"Don't panic," is Corporal Jones.

"Do you think that's awfully wise," is Sgt Wilson

and "You stupid boy," is Captain Mainwaring.

I think it's Lance Corporal Jones

but that's absolutely right.

It is catchphrases of Dad's Army characters

in ascending order of rank.

What else might I have accepted

-from that last one?

-"Don't tell him, Pike."

That would have been all right.

I've got a list here.

"Hello, Elizabeth."

"Is that you, Jones?"

"I was wondering who'd

"be the first to spot that."

I mean, I'm no Arthur Lowe, am I?

Physically maybe. In performance, no.

"Stop talking in the ranks."

I'm going to try and find an opportunity to say that

later in the show. But very well done, you get the points.

Meaning, at the end of Round Two,

the Bardophiles have six points,

the Tubers have 11.

Time for Round Three, the Connecting Wall.

There are 16 clues this time - there are four connected groups of four,

but they are jumbled up and some clues fit into more than

one category, but there is only one perfect solution.

The teams need to find those four connected groups -

they'll get points for the groups, points for the connections

and bonus points if they get it all right.

Your turn to go first this time, Bardophiles.

And you have a choice - Lion or Water.

-Lion please.

-OK.

The Lion Wall - you've got

two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

30 Rock.

Punk rock.

Northern Rock.

Plymouth Rock.

Patriots, Chargers, Cowboys and Saints.

American football.

It's a three strikes and you're out now.

You've got two goes and a minute left.

30 seconds now...

..and one remaining turn.

No, I'm afraid that's it, you're out of goes,

and the wall has frozen.

But you found two groups and I'll give you points

if you can tell me the connections.

The first blue group - 30, Punk, Plymouth, Northern.

Rock.

That's right. 30 Rock, punk rock, Plymouth Rock, Northern Rock.

The words can all proceed rock.

And the green group - Cowboy, Saint, Patriot, Charger.

American football teams without the S.

That's right, they're NFL teams in the singular.

You can still get points for connections

in the groups you didn't find, so let's resolve the wall.

There we go, that's how it should have looked -

Beefeater, Magellan, No.3, Gordon's.

Brands of gin.

Those are the brands of gin.

I think somehow my shopping list

got mixed up with the Wall clues.

And the final group -

Raven, Fusilier, Crown Jewels, Paul Cummins.

They can all be found at the Tower of London.

They're all associated with the Tower of London.

Now, you didn't know Paul Cummins?

-No.

-He is the artist who did the exhibition,

Lands And Seas Of Red,

you know the poppy exhibition?

Amazing, for the war anniversary at the Tower of London.

There's two points for the groups that you found and four points

for the connections - that is a total of six.

We're going to bring in the Tubers and give them a new Connecting Wall.

16 fresh clues still need sorting into four connected groups of four.

It will be the Water Wall for you, because the Lion's taken.

You have two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

Three strikes and you're out now.

Clinical. You solved the wall, very well done.

That's four points immediately for the groups,

and you can get more points if you tell me the connections.

Let's start with the first blue group -

Tucker, Sheila, Barbie, Yakka.

All Australian slang.

They're Australian slang.

And the next group starting Cavalier,

the green group, what's that?

You can put "laughing" in front of them.

You can. And laughing jackass, I think you didn't know.

Not in the first instance, no.

You're dismissing it as Australian slang,

but it is actually a term for a kookaburra.

There's a kookaburra, a laughing jackass is that.

And the next group - Stock, Butt, Grip, Barrel.

They're parts of a gun.

That's right, they are parts of the gun.

And the last turquoise group, what's that?

They're all Manchester United footballers.

Footballers for Manchester United.

So four points for the groups you found, four for the connections.

I'll give you a bonus two points for getting it all right,

that is the maximum of ten.

Let's have a look at the overall scores.

So you've got some catching up to do, Bardophiles, but it is possible,

because, in Round Four, you can lose points for getting things wrong.

This is the Missing Vowels round.

We've taken well-known names, phrases and sayings,

lifted out the vowels and re-spaced the consonants.

The teams have to tell me what those hidden clues are.

And, if you get it wrong by so much as a single consonant,

I'll be taking a point away.

Fingers on buzzers.

The first group are...

Tubers.

Filibustering.

Correct.

Tubers.

Woolsack.

Correct.

This is a tough one. It's...

Next clue.

Tubers.

Royal Assent.

Correct. Next category.

Bardophiles.

Driving penalties.

Correct.

Bardophiles.

Railway junctions.

I'm afraid that's not it, you lose a point.

Tubers, do you know?

Too long.

Next clue.

Tubers.

Fielding positions in cricket.

Correct.

Tubers.

Prizes.

Next category...

Bardophiles.

Pricing guns.

Yes, it is.

Tubers.

Country clubs.

You've got it.

Tubers.

Britney Spears.

Correct.

Tubers.

Walnut whips.

Yes, it is.

Next category...

But we will never know who famously wear red,

because the bell has gone for the end of the quiz.

And I can tell you that, in second place with 13 points,

it's the Bardophiles. But in first place,

with a resounding 29 points, it's the Tubers.

Very well done to you, you are straight through to the next round.

Bardophiles, we may see you again.

We've got a new structure this year where everybody

doesn't automatically come back,

but the highest scoring second-place finishers will return.

So we may see you again.

Hope we'll see you again, please join us next week.

But, before we go, if in 2017, you'd like to come and see the live

Only Connect stadium tour of 20 major cities and arenas,

then please feel free to put in place the funding and logistics

that would make such a commercially suicidal venture viable.

Goodbye.