Cosmopolitans v Taverners Only Connect

The great half-Scottish singer Rod Stewart, in his hit Maggie May,

offered a stark choice.

He could, "Grab my books and head on back to school",

or, "Steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool".

Luckily for the standard of this quiz,

most of our contestants sensibly opted for the former.

So let's meet tonight's loss to the world of bar billiards.

On my right, Annette Fenner,

a medical journal editor

and keen traveller,

whose father was Gloria Hunniford's chauffeur.

Emily Watnick, who has a degree in history

and was recently elbowed by art historian Andrew Graham-Dixon

at a Dutch museum.

And their captain, Amy Godel,

a semi-retired maths teacher and former hypnotherapist

who survived a plane crash in Australia involving a cow.

United by their taste for a tipple,

they are the Cosmopolitans.

Amy, how have you been preparing for the quiz? Lots of cocktails?

Lots of cocktails, researching cocktail recipes.

How many cocktails have you had in advance of the quiz?

In my life?!

That's a big question!

A few. A few.

Well, you look ready.

You are facing tonight, on my left...

Dean Reilly, a software engineer and maths graduate

who was once saved from a nasty fall by David Hasselhoff.

Simon Gibbons, an astrophysicist

with an interest in board games

and indoor bouldering.

And their captain, Mickey Alexander,

a medical student with an interest in Victorian literature who has seen

Bruce Springsteen perform 16 times and has touched him once.

United by a passion for pubs, they are the Taverners.

Another team of drinkers, excellent. How have you been preparing?

It seems a bit obvious to say pub quizzes,

but a certain amount of that.

And we've also been connecting random things to other things.

We've got one of those rooms with pin boards and clues on it

and bits of string.

Despite my best efforts,

the teams are not provided with pints for playing the quiz,

but I hope you had a few before we started.

We'll find out who's had the most to drink - I'm joking,

we all know it's me - during the course of the evening.

But we'll begin with Round One.

The Cosmopolitans won the toss, so you'll be going first.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

Shall we have the Horned Viper?

Why not? Kicking it off with the snake.

The Viper will be your first question.

Your first clue is coming up now.

I think so, yes.

Next.

I always get Flaubert's Parrot mixed up with Foucault's Pendulum.

Next.

-It is, it's...

-It's names for groups of birds.

No, it's names of books

where the collective noun for the bird has been replaced...

where the bird has been replaced by the collective noun for the bird.

That is right, they are book titles

in which the name of a bird has been replaced by the

collective noun for those birds.

Can you talk me through what the titles should be?

There's The Crow Road by Iain Banks.

-Flaubert's Parrot... Julian Barnes?

-Julian Barnes, yeah.

Where Eagles Dare... Len Deighton?

Alistair MacLean, it is a thriller, yes.

And The Owl And The Pussycat by Edward Lear.

That's absolutely right, bird names replaced by their collective nouns.

Very well done for two points.

Taverners, your turn to choose a question.

Shall we have the Two Reeds, please?

If you're asking my advice, I can't help you.

You've chosen the Two Reeds.

That will be your first question.

Time starts now.

Moving on? Next.

Cow & Gate make the formula milk.

Formula? Something about formula, possibly?

Do you think the next one?

Next, please.

Sausages and ice cream.

-Two food companies up there, but it's not...

-Yeah.

Next.

Those are the ridiculously famous T-shirts, right?

I love New York...

We're going to say formulas, or formulae.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

So there's a bonus chance for you,

Cosmopolitans.

Are they things that have hearts in their logos?

That is exactly what it is.

I can hear you sighing over there.

That's right, they all feature hearts in the logos.

The I Love New York -

it's those T-shirts that say "I heart New York".

Well done, hearts in the logos.

A bonus point to you, and you may choose your own question.

The Twisted Flax?

The Twisted Flax, OK.

Your first clue is coming in now.

OK... No, I don't know.

Next.

They're Egyptians.

-One more.

-Next.

-Maybe they're just Egyptians?

-No, he's not...

Isn't he Egyptian? OK, that's a shame.

And he wasn't assassinated either.

No, he wasn't.

Shall we go for one more? Next.

She's not Egyptian though, is she?

-But the first two...

-Three seconds.

Oh, I'm afraid your time is up.

So, Taverners, it's your chance for

a bonus point now

if you know the connection.

I think Simon got it.

they're the first Muslims to get that particular...

They are the first Muslims.

Nawal El Moutawakel was the first

woman to win gold at the Olympics.

Anwar Sadat, of course, the president of Egypt.

You mentioned Egypt, not all Egyptian.

Sadiq Khan, UK Cabinet minister,

and Nadiya Hussain, the winner of the Great British Bake Off.

I have a theory that everyone watches that show

and nobody bakes anything. Have any of you baked anything?

No, I always try everything.

My macaroons are really improving now. After a couple of...

Many congratulations.

I tell you, my macaroons are getting a lot worse.

I love Bake Off. I would spend all day

trying to replicate the recipes, easily.

Well, Nadiya Hussain was the first Muslim to win that show,

so very well spotted. You get a bonus point,

and you may choose a question.

-Simon?

-Let's go Lion.

The Lion question.

This is a picture question, so I simply want to know,

what do these pictures have in common?

First one coming up now.

OK, I'm not sure who that is.

It's...some art.

Shall we go on?

Next.

-Oh, that's RuPaul, isn't it?

-Yep.

From Drag Race.

Pleased I got that. Next.

Oh, that's the octopus that chose the winners of the World Cup.

So it could be false correlations?

Could be sporting events.

I don't... Yeah...

Can we have next, please?

And that's St Paul's, isn't it?

Three seconds.

They're all Paul.

-Paul.

-They're all called Paul.

Who were you recognising?

It's Paul the Octopus, which suddenly occurred to me.

Paul the Octopus that "predicted" the results in the 2010 World Cup.

That's RuPaul from RuPaul's Drag Race, and other things.

St Paul's Cathedral,

and I'm going to guess

a portrait of Gauguin?

-Or?

-Cezanne.

-Cezanne!

-Cezanne.

It is Paul Cezanne in the first one.

But very well done, they are all called Paul.

Cosmopolitans, your turn to please choose a question.

Water, please.

Water, OK. What do these clues have in common?

Here's the first.

-Erm...

-Next.

Well, Palmyra is the Pearl Of The Desert.

Yes, so Church Of The Desert might be...

It might be... Yes.

-One more?

-Shall we go for it?

OK.

Things of the desert.

They are things of the desert. Very well quizzed.

You get three points for coming in after two clues.

That's all the clues you didn't need to see. Talk me through them.

Well, the Church Of The Desert, I have no idea what that is.

That was a 17th-century movement,

secret Protestants following Antoine Court, the minister.

They were the Church of the Desert.

Palmyra is called the Pearl of the Desert.

The Sons Of The Desert, because of the film they did

about the Foreign Legion, I think?

In 1933, it was a film in which they were part of a Masonic lodge

called Sons Of The Desert,

it was also the name of the film.

That's where the fan club takes its name.

And the camel is the Ship Of The Desert.

That's absolutely right.

Very well done for the points.

OK, Taverners, it is your turn for a question.

There's no choice, really.

It will be the Eye of Horus.

Unfortunately for you, we haven't had the music question.

It is going to be this one.

You'll be hearing the clues.

Good luck. The first one is coming in now.

GENTLE MUSIC

It's the theme music for Desert Island Discs.

OK. Next.

# On those fishing boats, with their sails afloat... #

-This is Roy Orbison. Fishing boats.

-Sailing.

What is the name though?

-Shall we try the next one?

-Yeah.

-Next.

BOMBASTIC MUSIC

It's the sea again. This is another sea piece.

-Go for the sea, I guess?

-Yeah.

We believe they're all to do with the sea, or possibly islands.

Mmm, have another go.

Sailing, and ships. On the sea..

Fishing?

I'm afraid I can't really take it.

I want to, I'll explain why I can't in a minute.

We'll have a quick blast of the last clue

for the benefit of the Cosmopolitans.

STATELY MUSIC

-We think it's bodies of water.

-It's bodies of water.

The reason I can't take sea is because that third clue,

Swan Lake, the Tchaikovsky. The first one, By The Sleepy Lagoon,

it is used on Desert Island Discs.

Something is added. Do you know what?

-Seagulls, isn't it?

-Seagull noises are added for that.

Blue Bayou, Roy Orbison. But Swan Lake, very much not the sea.

-Do you know what the last one was?

-No.

-No.

(The Bonnie Banks O') Loch Lomond,

that was, a traditional Scottish song.

So bodies of water, for the bonus point, very well done.

That means, at the end of round one,

the Taverners have two points,

the Cosmopolitans have seven.

On to Round Two, where there are still four clues.

Now, I want to know what would come fourth in a sequence.

Cosmopolitans, you'll be going first again.

Which question would you like?

-Twisted Flax.

-The Twisted Flax, OK.

We'll see the first in a sequence,

I'd like to know what would come fourth.

You may see a maximum of three clues.

The first one is coming up now.

Next.

No, no.

Next.

Oh, that's Cher.

Yes. Ah, right.

So... Yes.

If that is Cher, then who...?

Three seconds.

Sonny Bono?

Why would that be?

Because Cherilyn Sarkisian is Cher.

I'm afraid that's not the answer, although good to have a guess.

-Didn't think so!

-Taverners, do you want to have a go

-for a bonus point?

-Let's say...

John Smith.

It's not John Smith. Now, you're right,

the third clue is the birth name

of the singer Cher.

Do you not know who the person is in the first clue?

No.

That is the first name of the lawyer Cherie Booth, Mrs Tony Blair.

She couldn't be christened Cherie, because there is no St Cherie,

-and they're a Catholic family.

-Right.

Fred Peloux is the lead character of a Colette novel,

-a French novel, according to my notes...

-Oh, Cheri?

a novel about a Parisian gigolo with a much older lover.

I assume all French novels

are about that.

So it is Cherie with an E, Cheri with an I,

so it'll be Che Guevara.

Ernesto Guevara,

we're talking about.

Cherie with an E,

take off the E to get just Cheri,

and then Cher,

and you take off a letter again,

"Che" Ernesto Guevara.

You spotted it, but too late.

OK, Taverners, your turn for a sequence question.

What would you like?

Can we have the Eye of Horus?

You certainly can.

These are going to be picture clues.

I'd like to know what sort of thing

you'd expect to see

in the fourth picture.

Here's the first.

OK, I'm not sure who that is.

Maybe.

-Shall we go next?

-Yeah.

-Next.

Oh, so that's, what's the name of the actress?

-Maggie Smith?

-Maggie Smith, yeah.

So we think Smith, maybe? Maggie...?

-Do you want the next one?

-Yeah.

-Next.

So could it be Prime Ministers?

Maggie, that could be John,

and then someone called Tony?

-A singer called Tony?

-Three seconds.

No, that's Tony, so it is going to be Gordon someone.

Sure... How is that possible? Cos we've missed out John Major...

I can't let you chat.

Can we have...Tony Bennett?

I'm afraid you could not.

So there's a bonus chance

for you, Cosmopolitans.

-Gordon... Sting?

-Sting?

Does nobody recognise Neil Tennant

of the Pet Shop Boys?

-Oh, is that him?

-Of course that's him!

Gosh, he's let himself go, hasn't he?

How you thought you could come along to Only Connect

and this much time would go past without a Doctor Who question,

-I don't know.

-Oh, my God!

We are looking at Jim Capaldi of the band Traffic...

-Oh, no!

-Maggie Smith, Neil Tennant...

It's successive doctors. Capaldi, Smith, Tennant.

-I want to hear...?

-Eccleston.

The village of Eccleston,

because it would be Christopher Eccleston,

the actor would come next.

No points there, then.

Cosmopolitans, you may choose a question.

-Horned Viper, please.

-The Viper again, is it? OK.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

-Seven or eight?

-Eight.

-Next.

-Next. Sorry.

That's seven... Something seven?

Wait a minute. Is it six?

Seven, six, five, and then the Ronnie Barker sketch for four?

-Shall we try next?

-I think we should go next.

-Seriously, I think...

OK, next.

That's got five.

Ronnie Barker sketch.

A Two Ronnies sketch

would absolutely be the same answer

we'd chosen. And you spotted that very early, I think.

What is the sequence?

The number of candles going down.

Seven, six, five, four.

That's absolutely right.

Seven candles in a temple menorah.

Not a menorah,

that's a Jewish candlestick

that would be outside the temple,

but in the temple,

seven candles there.

Six candles at a high Catholic mass,

the traditional Advent wreath, five,

and of course, the famous sketch,

the Four Candles or Fork Handles sketch.

Absolutely right, very well done for the points.

Back to you, Taverners, for a sequence question.

-Which is it to be?

-Dean?

-Water?

The Water question.

OK, what would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Is it Scrabble?

No, J's more.

Do you want next? Next.

No, but then we've got a different sign, right?

There's an equals...

-Oh, yeah.

-..equals, colon there.

-So second-equal is two Ms...

-Yeah.

The first is J.

-I think another one.

-Next.

The second-equal...

So it's something...

One second.

Oh, I'm afraid the time is up.

Unlucky. Cosmopolitans,

you have a bonus chance.

Go on.

-Ugh...

-First...

You wouldn't guess this in a million years if you don't know.

-In that case, no.

-It would be...

1st, colon, Z, brackets...

You're already wrong, because it would be fourth.

We started with the first.

1st, 2nd=, 2nd=,

4th - F-S-O-N-D (1).

This is a very hidden, lateral connection.

Not a maths question, it's actually much simpler than it looks,

but very hidden. We're talking about months in the year.

-Oh!

-Three of them begin with a J.

January, June, July.

Two of them, March and May, with an M.

Second equal, A, because of August and April,

and then we need to hear the other months,

February, September, October, November, December.

They all have one appearance over the year, those letters.

In first place. Very hidden.

Cosmopolitans, what would you like?

-Lion?

-Lion, yeah.

-The Lion.

OK, the Lion question, what would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Space, crossed out.

Spaced out? Space bar?

Yes. Next.

Choice, crossed out.

Choice bar?

Choice line.

No choice, no space.

Next.

-Jobs...

-No space, no choice, no jobs...

-No...

Future?

Is that a speech?

Let's go for that.

Future, crossed out?

Not the answer, I'm afraid, although

I like the bleakness of it.

Taverners, do you want to have a go

for a bonus point?

-Money, you mentioned?

-Yeah, shall we say money, crossed out?

That's not it, although you're closer to the spirit of the answer,

because we're talking about a well-known book

which is a polemical piece against globalisation.

It's the Naomi Klein book, No Logo.

Yes, and the chapters go No Space, No Choice, No Jobs, No Logo.

That is what it would be.

Last question of the round goes to you, the Two Reeds.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

-All-Bran...

-It's also the youngest of the Starks.

No, he's not the youngest.

OK. Shall we?

Next.

-Yes!

-OK.

-Robb.

-Is it Robb?

-It's Robb.

-OK.

We're going to say Robb, with two Bs.

Coming in after two clues, you get three points.

The answer is Robb, and why is that?

They're the Stark children, going from the youngest to the oldest.

-Not quite...

-No, going from the fourth-youngest in Game Of Thrones.

That's right. It's Stark children from Game Of Thrones,

or A Song Of Ice And Fire, which it's adapted from.

-My husband's seen that show and rather enjoyed it.

-I love it.

I got the sense that everyone is constantly topless.

Yeah, more or less.

More or less.

And everyone you ever love dies.

Well, that's true of so much, isn't it?

No future.

No future.

Very well done at the end of the round there.

That means, at the conclusion of Round Two,

the Taverners have five points,

the Cosmopolitans have nine.

Time now for round three, the Connecting Wall.

16 clues, all jumbled up,

that the teams need to sort into four connected groups of four.

Taverners, you'll be going first this time.

Would you like Lion or Water?

I think we'll go with the Water, please.

OK, Water, beware the red herrings that are swimming around in there.

Some clues do go into more than one category,

but there's only one perfect solution.

You've got two-and-a-half minutes to perform it,

starting now.

OK, Professor X, Dr Strangelove, they're in wheelchairs.

-Yeah.

-Ironside and Timmy.

OK. Edward the Confessor, these are the bynames of English kings.

-Curtmantle...

-Bonnie, Goldie, Shep, and Petra are all Blue Peter dogs.

BUZZ

-Barney, maybe, as well?

-Barney might be one as well.

BUZZ

Ethelred the Unready, Edward the Confessor,

I can't remember who Curtmantle is. And Bloody? OK.

Three strikes and you're out now. Jab with care.

So Goldie is one of the dogs, do you think?

Goldie, Petra, Shep...

John the Baptist was beheaded.

Who's King Hussein? Katie Price is Jordan. King Hussein of Jordan.

John the Baptist, River Jordan,

-presumably?

-Yeah.

So is there another Jordan?

So it's probably those three.

Do we think there's another Jordan?

Petra, the city, probably in Jordan.

I would give it a go.

You think Bonnie, Goldie, Shep and

-Barney...

-All Blue Peter animals.

Shall we go for it?

You've solved the wall.

Very well done. Not even halfway through the time, excellent stuff.

OK, that is four points immediately for the groups

and I'll give you more points for the connections.

So the first blue group -

Dr Strangelove, Timmy, Professor X and Ironside?

They are all wheelchair users.

All fictional wheelchair users.

The green group -

Unready, Confessor, Bloody, Curtmantle?

They're all bynames or nicknames of English monarchs.

Ethelred the Unready,

Edward the Confessor, Bloody Mary -

so we're back with the cocktails again.

And I can't remember who Curtmantle is.

Someone with a short coat, I guess.

Correctly deduced.

Henry II, his robe was shorter than everybody else.

They are names of monarchs, or addenda to their names.

And the... Now, I always say the purple group,

and then I get shouted at from people

who say that it's burgundy or vermilion or something.

But this next group -

Katie Price, John the Baptist, Petra, King Hussein?

-We think they're all connected to Jordan.

-Jordan.

And what is the connection?

Katie Price is called Jordan.

She's a model and...things.

John the Baptist hung out around the River Jordan, I guess.

-He baptised Jesus in the River Jordan, yes!

-Ah, yes.

Hence the name.

Petra is a city which is presumably in Jordan.

And King Hussein is presumably King Hussein of Jordan.

Jordan is the connection.

And the last group -

Bonnie, Barney, Goldie, Shep?

-Simon?

-They're all Blue Peter animals, certainly.

I think dogs?

I can accept either answer, because they are all Blue Peter dogs,

but Barney was also, in 1968, a Blue Peter parrot.

So all Blue Peter dogs/pets.

That means you get four points for the groups,

four points for the connections, I'll give you a bonus two points for getting it all right.

That's the maximum of ten points. Very well done to you.

It's now time to bring in the Cosmopolitans

and give them a new Connecting Wall.

16 fresh clues that still need sorting

into four connected groups of four.

The Water wall's been taken, so you get the Lion wall.

Two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

Right, so...

-The butterfly effect?

-David Guetta, David Bowie.

-David Gray.

-Gray.

-OK.

-David Essex.

-Yep.

-BUZZ

-David Soul?

-Yep.

So shall we...?

You have knives as well.

-Your Stanley knife and your...

-BUZZ

BUZZ

Shall we keep going?

-OK, so Stanley knife, flick knife...

-Bowie knife.

That's going to be the one, isn't it?

-Bowie, Stanley, and...hunting?

-BUZZ

-Or cheese.

-Yeah.

-So...

-Cheese, Stanley, Bowie...

-BUZZ

Flick knife.

-Flick, Stanley, cheese...

-BUZZ

Bowie, Stanley, cheese...

Then it's going to be Gray, Essex, Guetta, Soul.

-Yes.

-Three strikes and you're out now. Be careful.

Butterfly, Icarus, wings?

Things with wings...

Paul McCartney played with Wings.

-And...

-Eleven?

OK, I... Erm...

Butterfly...?

-Legs Eleven.

-Who's Ryan?

-Ryan...

-Ryan Gosling.

-Icarus...

-Butterfly, Paul McCartney.

Hunting wings?

-Prisons have wings.

-That's true!

That's it, you've solved the wall.

Four points for the groups, and I'm going to give you

more points for the connections.

The first blue group -

Bowie, Flick, Stanley, Cheese.

-Kinds of knife.

-They are types of knife, very well done.

And the green group -

Gray, Soul, Essex, Guetta?

Musical Davids.

That's right, they are singers or musicians with the name David.

And the next group -

Prison, Icarus, Paul McCartney, Butterfly?

-Things with wings.

-That's it, prison in the sense

that you might be put on a particular wing.

Not you, a person might, I hate to presume.

Icarus, of course, in the myth,

Paul McCartney, the band Wings, and a butterfly - things with wings.

And the last turquoise group -

Identity, Ryan, Hunting, Eleven.

Erm...crisis?

Not it, I'm afraid.

What's the connection...? Oh, identity crisis, I suppose you have.

A Ryan crisis? Takes me back to my teenage years.

No, these are the last words in film titles.

Matt Damon is the connection.

-Good Will Hunting...

-Matt Damon! Of course!

..the Bourne Identity, Saving Private Ryan,

and Ocean's Eleven. Films featuring Matt Damon.

They are the last words in those titles.

But you did get four points for finding the groups,

three points for the connections. That is a total of seven.

Let's have a look at the scores going into Round Four.

So it is very close now and will be decided by Round Four,

the Missing Vowels Round.

This is where we take well-known names, phrases and sayings,

take out the vowels, respace the consonants, and I want to know,

what are those disguised clues?

Fingers on buzzers, please, teams.

The first group are all...

-Taverners.

-Blasphemous.

-Correct.

-Cosmopolitans.

-Irreverent.

-Correct.

Taverners.

-MISPRONOUNCED:

-Impious.

I'll accept it. Next clue.

-Cosmopolitans.

-Sacrilegious.

Correct. Next category...

-Cosmopolitans.

-Rough diamond.

Correct.

-Cosmopolitans.

-Vicious circle.

Well done.

-Cosmopolitans.

-Eternal triangle.

Yes, it is.

-Cosmopolitans.

-Red kite.

A good group for you.

The next category...

Taverners.

Nottingham Forest Football Club.

Correct.

-Cosmopolitans.

-Black Forest gateau.

Correct.

Cosmopolitans.

Too long, I'm afraid. You must lose a point.

Taverners, do you know?

No? Not gardeners.

This is the Barmah Forest Virus.

Next clue.

-Cosmopolitans.

-New Forest pony.

Correct.

Next category, things...

END OF ROUND JINGLE

But we're not going to have the next category,

because the bell has gone for the end of the quiz.

And I can tell you that the winners, with 23 points,

are the Cosmopolitans.

And in second place with 18 points,

the Taverners.

Very well done. Nice and close at the end there.

Cosmopolitans, you are through to the next round.

Taverners, by our complicated new system,

you MAY be through to the next round.

You, we'll definitely see again.

You, who knows, depends what sort of mood you're in.

But we will be here next week

and more teams will be grilled like Nando's halloumi cheese.

If you're coming, bring napkins.

And Rennies.

Goodbye.