The Final Only Connect

Good evening and welcome to Only Connect, the grand final.

Yes, this is it, the big night, the culmination of months of quizzing.

I'm incredibly excited,

my good mood tempered only

by the fact that under ridiculous and excessive

new scrutiny of the BBC, since last week's show,

they've ruled that our champagne tower now has to be in shot.

Anyway, let's get on with the final.

Sorry about my appearance - I came straight from a dinner,

I didn't have time to get changed.

Our finalists tonight are...

On my right - Phyl Styles,

a secondary school teacher who is fluent in six different Braille

languages and has sung Swing Low, Sweet Chariot

as a solo in a French cathedral.

Tom Cappleman, a board-game fanatic

who has flown a glider for less than a minute.

And their captain, Graeme Cole,

a software engineer who was thrown into a wall while dog sledding in

Norway. United by a love of

language, they are the Verbivores.

Graeme, you've played a record seven games to get to the final.

How important is it to you to win now?

It would be nice to win,

but genuinely,

we are just amazed that we got

anywhere near this far.

We'd won couple of games by one point,

took the longest possible route to get here,

we know we're up against a brilliant team, so win or lose, we're happy.

Your brilliant opponents tonight

are, on my left - Annette Fenner,

a medical journal editor who was

the 1993 Seal primary school spelling champion

and can trace her ancestry back

to William the Conqueror's brother-in-law.

Emily Watnick,

a retired finance manager who,

on the 50th anniversary of JFK's assassination,

recreated the tragedy in an interpretive buffet

at a birthday party.

Their captain, Amy Godel,

a semiretired maths teacher who has participated in a public crossword

competition and whose great-great-grandmother

was born in 1815 in Waterloo.

United by a taste

for travel and a tipple,

they are the Cosmopolitans.

You beat the Korfballers to secure your place in the final,

how important is it to you to win?

I'm just amazed that we beat

the Korfballers, to be honest!

Having got here, having got to the end, is really just fantastic.

Well done, all of you, for making the final.

Let's go on and play it.

Verbivores, you won the toss,

please choose an Egyptian hieroglyphic.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

OK. Let the final begin with this question.

Your time starts...now.

Cordate, is that to do the heart?

Cordate is...

Next.

Right, black... Orange is that?

Is it red? I don't know.

Next.

Trifoliate.

Um, something with four leaves?

But what? In green, a four-leaf clover perhaps?

Well, it's not a sequence, so what's the link?

Oh, sorry!

How many times have I played this?!

So it's just, what, um, number of leaves and...

-Three seconds.

-Next.

-Oh, the clock's run out!

-Good start(!)

-Bonus chance for you,

Cosmopolitans.

The colour of and the description of things on flags?

They are not things on flags,

I'm afraid.

What they are is suits of the pack.

-Of course they are!

-Cordate is a sort of

inverted heart shape, like a spade.

Then we've got heart-shaped.

Trifoliate, that's like clubs, it's that shape,

and rhomboid, the diamond.

The colours denote the suits of the pack.

So, no points there, Cosmos,

but you may choose a question.

Um, Horned Viper, please.

The Viper. What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

The property of a lady...

No. Next.

The Hildebrand Rarity.

Are they... Is it the names of...

Next.

Risico.

They might be the names of some kind of...

Shall we go with the next one?

Next.

007 in New York.

Um...

Um... Are they...

all written by Sebastian Faulks?

They are not all written

by Sebastian Faulks.

So, Verbivores,

you have a bonus chance now.

Are they spin-off films?

It's almost the exact opposite.

-Oh.

-They are James Bond stories

that have not been filmed.

There are only four left - stories that haven't been filmed.

The Property Of A Lady, that was going to be

Timothy Dalton's next Bond film,

but there was a legal problem,

they stopped filming.

The Hildebrand Rarity, that sounds brilliant.

James Bond goes into a sort of

old-fashioned murder mystery at sea.

That sounds great. And also a great one for charades.

The Hildebrand Rarity,

how would you do it?

Risico, or "Rizico",

that's Bond investigating

a drugs ring, and 007 In New York

is a very short one

about a Russian spy.

Anyway, who wants a question?

Verbivores, you can have one.

-Which will it be?

-Can we have Twisted Flax, please?

Why not? Twisted Flax.

MUSICAL TONE It's the music question. I feel like a dance.

What connects these clues? Here's the first.

# Boy toy named Troy Used to live in Detroit

# Big, big, big money He was gettin' some coins... #

Next.

# Have you seen her on the dance floor?

# She got the boom Shake the room... #

Next.

# My momma, she told me Don't worry about your size

# Shoo-wop-wop, sha-ooh, wop, wop

# She says boys like the ladies... #

-I know this one, but I can't remember its name.

-Next.

# Baby, can you handle this?

# I don't think you can handle this... #

It's all, talking about their size.

# H-town goin' hard... #

Are they talking about their size?

I need to hear something specific.

Big...

Behinds?

Lovely big behinds...

are being celebrated

in this piece of music.

We're testing two things

with this question.

One - do you know the pieces,

two - dare you say the answer?

What did we hear?

For the first one big, big, big something.

-Behinds, I suppose.

-The song was called Anaconda.

Well, it was sampling Sir Mixalot.

It's a Nicki Minaj song.

They sampled the bit where the chap sings apparently,

"My anaconda don't want none

"Unless you got buns, hon."

And Nicki Minaj sings,

"He toss my salad

"like his name Romaine

"and when we done

"I make him buy me Balmain."

That's a lovely message for the

young women of today, isn't it?

That's absolutely lovely.

What else did we hear?

Last one, Bootylicious?

Bootylicious, Destiny's Child.

All About That Bass, Meghan Trainor.

And the second one -

Booty, Jennifer Lopez.

"Mesmerised by the size of it

"You can fight it if you like

"Take your time."

Quite the image to juggle, isn't it?

"You can fight it if you like,"

that's an evening. Well done, you get the point.

Cosmopolitans, what would you like?

-Lion.

-Lion, please.

Lion. What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Bravo 9.30.

Next.

Oh, OK...

ANNETTE WHISPERS

So...

Yes, yes.

Next.

R 3.45, B 9.30,

J three o'clock. R...

Next.

Delta six o'clock.

Um...

The times of different watches

on ships?

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Verbivores, do you want to have a go for a bonus?

Are these the semaphore representations

of these letters as they would appear on a clock?

That's absolutely brilliant.

Cheers to you.

I can't demonstrate it myself in

this dress before the watershed,

but if you could hold your arms

in the shapes denoted here,

if you hold your arm at 9.30, please.

Like that. My 9.30.

-Well, that's not really 9.30, is it?

-The camera's 9.30.

You'd be bit more sort of...

Well, that's the letter B.

That's B in flag semaphore.

Phyl, could you show us

three o'clock?

Well, I know D is up there.

Well, it's J we're looking for,

and that's three o'clock.

You see, if you were...

-Like that.

-There you go. 3.45?

R. And 6pm, or 6am,

that's the D, that's Delta.

So, if you held your arms out

for semaphore to denote these letters on a clock face,

that's the time it would be.

Amazingly well spotted.

What would you like next, Verbivores?

-Eye of Horus, please.

-The Eye of Horus.

OK. These are going to be picture clues, what connects them?

Here's the first.

No? Next.

Looks familiar, don't know his name.

Next.

Oh, Mackenzie Crook.

-Um...

-We need something else.

-Next.

John Craven.

They all mean crooked, don't they?

Well, the surnames are synonyms.

Are their surnames associated with crookedness?

I'm afraid their surnames are not

all associated with crookedness.

So, Cosmopolitans, your chance for a bonus?

If you took the first letter off, they would be birds.

If you took the first letter off, they would be birds.

Who are we looking at?

There's Alan Clark.

-Yes.

-ALL:

-Mackenzie Crook.

-ALL:

-John Craven.

But we don't know who that first one is.

That's Joan Chen.

Or hen.

They all begin with the C, and if you take it off, you get Hen

from Chen, lark from Clark,

rook from Crook

and raven from Craven. Yes.

Birds at the end of their names.

That's the sort of one I think

you'd get, Verbivores, normally.

So you get a bonus, Cosmopolitans,

and the last question, Water,

what is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Is it, then, construction, a point, house.

OK, next.

The legs of Mrs Wilcox?

-I don't know.

-Next.

It's got to be "only connect"...

Yes, but what's the other thing?

What is the other thing?

Next.

Three seconds.

-So...

-Oh,

it's "only connect"

and something to do with Howard's Way

where the saying is from.

Howard's End, even, not Howard's Way!

What to do with it?

We're looking at "only connect"...

-Yes.

-And then...

And then names of others,

other EM Forster...

-Or parts of EM Forster.

-I'm afraid that's not it.

Verbivores, do you want

to have a go for a bonus?

They are "only connect" in different languages

and what is it, Howard's End, when it was translated to those,

shall we try that?

That is what it is.

I'm afraid in the final, I need to hear that.

It is the phrase "only connect",

translated in the EM Forster novel Howard's End,

and in bracket is the title Howard's End.

Of course, it's not called Howard's End in all the languages,

so La Mansion in Spanish,

The Legs De Mrs Wilcox in French -

that's the legacy of Mrs Wilcox, that's what that's called.

I don't really speak Portuguese,

but The House again in Portuguese,

and Casa Howard, that's really the

clue, in Italian, solo connettere.

So it is the title Howard's End,

as it translates in different

languages with our key quote.

So, another bonus for you,

Verbivores. And that means,

at the end of Round One,

the Cosmopolitans have one point,

the Verbivores have three.

Onto Round Two - sequences -

and you will be going first again.

Please choose a hieroglyph.

-Eye of Horus, please.

-The Eye of Horus.

What would come forth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Wow.

I don't have any idea.

Next.

Gamma hydroxybutyrate, is that vitamin C?

-Go next.

-Next.

Mephedrone, B. It's going to be something A.

Is it vitamins?

I mean, vitamin A, is it retinol A?

Could go for that.

Well, yes.

Retinol brackets A, close brackets.

I'm afraid it absolutely is not that!

Cosmopolitans, do you want to have

a go for a bonus point?

Um, so, it would be heroin A?

Heroin A would be

an acceptable answer,

or as we went for,

magic mushrooms.

What are we looking at?

Legal classes of drugs.

-Well...

-Illegal classes.

I'm not sure, if heroin's legal

since we started this show,

nobody's told me!

It's drug classification, that's right.

It's that first one, where the drugs

are not yet criminalised.

So this one we're looking at,

also known as Posh or Banshee Dust,

I'm reliably informed

by our question editor,

who has certainly never taken illegal drugs -

I mean, he really hasn't,

you can barely get him to have a cup of tea.

So that's a temporary class

while it's waiting for something else.

And then we're looking at class C,

class B and I want to hear

some sort of drug that is very bad.

Retinol A, not it.

So you get that bonus, Cosmos,

and you may choose a question.

Horned Viper, please.

OK, what would come fourth in this picture sequence?

Here's the first.

Um...

-Let's got the next one.

-Next.

It's a big baby in a parade.

Next.

Oh, my goodness.

Yes, and what happened?

-And what happened?

-Yes.

We're going to have to figure something out.

Three seconds.

Um...

A giant...

-Um...

-Elephant.

-..Balloon.

In the shape of an elephant, perhaps.

It is not a giant balloon

in the shape of an elephant.

So, Verbivores, you've got

the chance of a bonus point.

A giant effigy of David Cameron?

Is the right answer.

Of course, Lewes fireworks, isn't it?

It's Lewes fireworks, yes.

In Lewes, in Sussex, every year on

Bonfire Night, they burn effigies.

They burn the Pope and Guy Fawkes and there's a sort of topical guest

attraction. Let's all try

to identify who they are.

Who do you think that is in the first picture, 2012?

I don't know, I have no idea!

Angela Merkel, of course.

Oh, the German flag, yes!

And you said a big baby in a parade.

Now you know it's a topical guest of 2013, it is of course...

Prince George?

Kim Jong Un, that's right!

And sandwiched uncomfortably between

Kim Jong Un and David Cameron,

that third picture?

-Alex Salmond.

-It is Alex Salmond,

yes, yes, yes.

Once you know, it's so obvious.

Very well done for the bonus.

Which question would you like?

-Lion, please.

-Lion, OK.

What would come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Capital Q.

Nope. Next.

What is this?

Q, U.

Is it going to spell out a four-letter word? Q, U...

-I don't know.

-Next.

-Next.

So, Pakistan's capital is Islamabad.

Mongolia's is Ulaanbaatar, but I don't know what the sequence is.

So, what's fourth?

Q, U, I...

-Capital of Kuwait, for example.

-Quiz?

Yeah. Croatia's is. Capital Z, in brackets - C.

Capital Z, brackets - C - close brackets.

The answer is Capital Z brackets C.

Tom, perhaps you could explain

what the sequence is?

The letter in the brackets begins a country which is the only one with a

capital beginning with a previous letter.

That's exactly right. There are only

four letters of the alphabet which

are the first letters

of a capital city only one time.

So there's only one capital

that begins with a Q, and that is of course...

Quito of Ecuador.

There's only one U...

Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.

That's absolutely right. One I.

Islamabad, Pakistan.

And of course, we're not going

in alphabetical order,

we are spelling out the word quiz,

so I wanted to hear Z for Zagreb,

the capital of Croatia.

Very well done. Well quizzed.

Cosmopolitans, what would you like?

-Twisted Flax, please.

-Twisted Flax, OK.

What would come fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Right.

Next.

Nighthawks, there are two people in it.

Is it the number of people?

-It's not, there's four.

-Possibly.

Shall we go for the third one?

-Yes, I think we better.

-Next.

Yes, so...

THEY WHISPER

Yes, OK.

I'm so sorry.

THEY LAUGH

The Mona Lisa, brackets - da Vinci.

Not, I'm afraid, the right answer.

So, Verbivores, what's your guess

for a bonus point?

-Irises, brackets - Van Gogh?

-Not it either.

What sequence are you thinking of?

-We're thinking the number of people in the pictures.

-Right.

And we were going down, and we were thinking four, three, two, one,

because we thought there were two in The Scream.

I'm afraid there are three people in The Scream.

Really?

There are five dancers

in Matisse's Dance II.

There are four people in Hopper's Nighthawks.

American Gothic, then?

American Gothic is the very one we went with, yes.

In The Scream, there is the chap that people say

has just heard a scream,

and there's actually two people

walking away, so three.

So we need to hear a painting

with two people in it - for example,

American Gothic.

So no points there, Verbivores,

but you may choose a question.

-Water, please.

-OK, what would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

That's the golden ratio, isn't it?

It's phi.

If we are doing Greek letters, do you know...?

Next.

That's chi, isn't it?

-Phi, chi...

-Omega.

Is omega the last one?

Yes.

HE MUMBLES

What represents omega?

Is it an ohm, yeah.

The symbol for an ohm, the unit of resistance.

-And why would that be?

-Because it's an omega.

Once again, that is the right answer

in a very difficult final question.

Well done. Talk me through these clues.

They're the last four letters of the Greek alphabet -

the golden ratio is represented by phi,

the life force in Chinese medicine is chi,

-pounds per square inch is psi...

-And for example,

the last element of the sequence

or the Charlton Heston film -

something Man - some kind of representation of omega,

very well done.

Cosmopolitans, one horrible question

remains for you, it is the Two Reeds,

what will come fourth in this sequence? Here is the first.

OK, Brazil 4...

Are these the World Cup final results?

Is it? No?

Next.

2006 Italy 3...

What happened? Italy won.

2010 was Spain...

-2014...

-Yeah, is what?

-Germany.

-Germany...

-One.

-One.

-That's too easy.

-Surely.

Is it really 4-3?

What do you think?

Yeah. But would it...

THEY WHISPER

-Could it be?

-Argentina.

Two seconds.

So it's 2014.

What do you think, Emily?

Germany one, Argentina nil.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Verbivores, you've got the chance of a bonus point.

2014...

HE STUTTERS

..Germany four, Argentina three.

That's not it.

But why are you saying that?

I think it's the finalists in the World Cup and the number of times

they've won the World Cup after that game was played.

Your problem is, it was before

that game was played.

You have spotted the horrible thing we've done here.

It couldn't be 0-0, could it?!

They are successive

World Cup matches

and they are the finalists in those matches,

but the numbers represent not the score,

but the number of World Cups those

teams had previously won before they

got the final. As you say yourself,

Spain and the Netherlands had won no

World Cups, so Germany had won three

and Argentina two when they went in

to that 2014 final.

But I see my drinks are coming to an end,

so we'd better finish the round.

I'll give you the scores.

Cosmopolitans, two, Verbivores nine.

And just when you were thinking it couldn't get nastier,

time for the Connecting Wall.

And you'll be going first this time, Cosmopolitans.

Would you like Lion or Water?

-Water, please.

-OK,

you have 2½ minutes to solve the Water wall, starting now.

Oh, great, OK.

So 1837 is Victoria coming to the throne.

-What other years...?

-1558...

-1952 was the Queen.

-The Queen, yes.

-1702.

-Yes.

OK. Great.

There... Are there some cubes?

343 is a cube. 125, 27, one.

Oh, 1, yes.

-OK.

-Three lives now.

-Oh, dear! That's unfortunate.

-5, 6, 7, 8, is a song by Steps.

It is. One is probably a song.

-1999, is that?

-Yes!

-1999 is a song.

-Prince.

Let's not solve.

-OK.

-What's the other one?

-10,000?

-5.15?

And what of all of these others?

That's the thing, right.

Shall we undo these?

-So if you look at them...

-Yeah.

So, 400, 1500...

Are these measurements of something like the lines on a TV?

They are sort of athletics things.

Yes, 1500, 400, 110 and 10,000, yes.

You've solved the Wall! Absolutely amazing.

Not even halfway through the time.

That was incredible. What about the connections, then?

The first group, 1837,

or 1-8-3-7, and so on.

The accession dates of British queens.

That's absolutely right.

Queenly accession dates.

And the next green group, starting 27?

They're just cubes.

They're just cubes, simple as that, just cubes.

And the pink or purple group, starting 1500?

Athletics distances?

They are athletics distances.

Some people might not recognise 110.

That's the high hurdles for men.

Men's sprint hurdles, absolutely right.

And the last turquoise group, starting 1999.

It's songs.

It is songs. It's actually 1999,

isn't it, by Prince?

So, you told me all four connections

as well, and of course,

you get the bonus. That is a maximum of ten on this horrible final wall.

Very well done.

Let's bring in the Verbivores now and give them another

wall to see what they can do with it.

Welcome back, Verbivores.

I don't know if you'll think it's much of a welcome.

You're going to be getting the Lion wall.

2½ minutes to solve it, starting...

now.

I'm off! OK,

so that's the

freezing point in Kelvin, isn't it?

That's it in Fahrenheit.

That's the freezing point in Celsius.

-Um...

-That one?

-Go on, then.

-There we are!

-1066 is an important date.

-A battle. 1087...

-That's a change of reign.

-Yes, it is.

That's a change of reign.

Shall we go round the years?

-Oh, right.

-Three lives now.

It's record speeds, record speeds.

-Speed of records.

-That one, that one, that one and...

Right. Ten, infinity, 300, 2012...

-Films.

-Are they all names of films?

300 is definitely a film, the Spartans.

2012 is a disaster movie.

Infinity and Ten probably are.

-Shall we go with that?

-And I think that...

You've solved the wall!

That's amazing!

I wasn't thinking that was particularly a wall for a wordy

team. Very well done.

Let's have a look for those connections.

Tell me about the first blue group, starting 32.

They're freezing points of water

in various scales of temperature.

Freezing points of water.

And the green group - 1066, or 1-0-6-6, and so on.

Changes of reign.

Changes of reign in...

-British monarchs.

-..England.

-I need to hear something specific.

It's when Williams took over.

Accessions of Kings William.

And the next group, starting 3-3-1-3.

They are record speeds.

33 and a third and so on

are all record speeds.

And the turquoise group - 300, or 3-0-0, what are they?

They are names of films?

They are film titles.

So, you did find all the groups

and tell me all the connections -

that is a total of ten points.

Let's have a look at the scores.

We will now decide the Championship in the missing vowels round.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

I can tell you that the first group are all...

-Cosmopolitans?

-January and garnet.

Correct.

Cosmopolitans?

April and diamond.

Correct.

-Cosmos?

-October and opal.

Well done.

-Verbivores? ALL:

-May and emeralds.

Correct. Next category...

Careful.

-Verbivores.

-Bag, big, big, bog, bug.

Correct.

Verbivores?

Patting, petting, pitting, potting, putting.

Correct.

-Cosmopolitans?

-Mass, mess...

Not it, I'm afraid, Verbivores.

Masses, messes, misses, mosses, musses.

There are extra S for plurals, that's right.

Verbivores?

Last, lest, list, lost, lust.

Well done. Next category...

Cosmopolitans?

-Scampi.

-Correct.

Cosmos?

-Battered sausage.

-Correct.

-Cosmos?

-Onion rings.

Correct.

-Verbivores?

-Pickled egg.

Don't mind if I do. Next category...

-Cosmopolitans?

-Arbitrary.

-Yep.

-Verbivores?

-Indiscriminate.

Correct.

END MUSIC PLAYS

No time to tell me the next

random word, which was irregular.

The bell has gone

for the end of the quiz.

And I can tell you that our second-place finishers

have 18 points,

but the winners with 26

and the new champions of Only Connect

are the Verbivores.

Very well done to you.

Excellent stuff.

Well done, everybody. You all

quizzed absolutely brilliantly.

Fantastic. But you Verbivores

are the champions.

Well done.

And that's it, it's the end of the show and the series.

We are about to have our magnificent closing ceremony,

and then it will be a few months until we meet again.

But in the gap, if you miss us,

why not recreate the Only Connect experience

by trying to make small talk with a teenager?

Just like answering the questions on this show,

you'll find that whatever you say is probably wrong.

Goodbye.