Cricketers v Inquisitors Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect. Sorry if I seem a bit disorientated.

Last night I was visited by three spirits, of Christmas Past,

Christmas Present and Christmas Yet To Come.

Honestly, those ghosts get earlier and earlier every year.

I've said to them, "It doesn't matter how many times you point

"at my grave, I am not playing blind man's buff

"in my nephew's living room.

"It's just a groper's charter."

Quizzing tonight, two fresh teams, and they are,

on my right,

Andrew Burford,

a Black Country ombudsman who once ate his own height in sandwiches,

Simon Williams,

a law graduate, who at the age of 18,

took the complete works of Oscar Wilde

on a holiday to Ayia Napa.

And their captain, Neil Clarke,

a chartered accountant who opened a bank account for his daughter when

she was ten hours old and started her pension when she was two.

United by a weakness for wickets, they are the Cricketers.

How's your team feeling ahead of its first appearance?

Er, scared, nervous, petrified,

-frightened are four words to describe how we feel.

-Excellent.

And over the course of the evening, I hope that gets worse and worse.

You are playing tonight, on my left,

Luke Kelly,

a European studies graduate,

who gave away a live pig on a Spanish TV quiz show.

Rob Cumming, a quiz question writer

who has twice knocked out his two front teeth,

and their captain, Julia Hobbs,

a modern languages graduate

who has performed as a stunt bottom on a BBC comedy programme.

All quiz writers by trade,

they are the Inquisitors.

A team of question setters, eh?

-Yes.

-And now you've turned gamekeeper. How does that feel?

Erm, well, I quiz quite a lot.

We quiz together in a team,

so we're quite used to answering the questions,

but this is a little bit different

from what we're used to.

-Good luck.

-Thank you.

You won the toss, Cricketers,

but in a first act of gamesmanship,

you've decided to put your opponents in first.

So, Inquisitors, please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Er, Lion, please.

-OK.

You're about to see the first of four apparently random clues,

but they all have something in common.

What is it? Your time starts now.

THEY CONFER

Oh, yeah...

THEY CONFER

OK. Shall we go for one more?

-Go for one more?

-Shall we go for one more?

That's genius, though.

-That's very good...

-Shall we go for it?

-Shall we go for it?

-Yeah, go on.

Er, they are spoonerisms of things

that you wear

and where you wear them on the body.

I am so impressed with your bravery

-at coming in this early...

-Oh, God!

..I'm going to let you have a go

-at rewording that answer.

-Ah...

-OK, then.

-OK.

Maybe it's just a simple...anagram.

Maybe it's just not things that you wear, then?

For five points, they are not all things that you wear,

but they are all spoonerisms.

Coming in after one clue,

-you get five points.

-Brilliant...

What are the rest of the clues?

-OK, parking meter.

-Parking meter...

Block of flats and jellybeans.

-"Belly jeans", I quite like that.

-Exactly right.

Very well done for the full five.

Cricketers, the game's afoot.

-What would you like?

-Twisted Flax, please.

-The Twisted Flax. OK.

These are going to be picture clues.

They all have something in common. Here's the first...

THEY CONFER

-Shall we have the next?

-Next.

Madonna.

THEY CONFER

-Shall we go for the next?

-Yeah.

-Next, please.

Submarine.

Are they Beatles songs?

THEY CONFER

Do you want to go with that?

They're all part of Beatles song titles.

Absolutely correct.

You didn't need to see the walrus at the end, there.

Very well done.

Were you tempted to come in

-after one clue?

-No! No.

Raccoon, what else could it be?

Raccoon!

What are the songs?

I think... Is it Ricky Raccoon?

-Rocky Raccoon.

-Rocky Raccoon.

Lady Madonna. Yellow Submarine.

-I Am The Walrus.

-That's absolutely right.

You know, I Am The Walrus was banned by the BBC,

because of the words

"pornographic priestesses"

and "let your knickers down".

And listen to me just saying them,

just saying them.

That's the 21st century for you.

It's all gone downhill. Very well done for two points.

Back to you, Inquisitors,

what would you like this time?

-Horned Viper, please.

-The Horned Viper.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

-Anything.

-It sounds Welsh.

-Maybe it's Welsh.

Next, please.

Football division. First... Football League, First Division...

THEY CONFER

Oh, I don't know.

Next one.

Next, please.

Pluto.

THEY CONFER

Yeah, things that don't exist any more. Replaced by other things?

Yes, yes.

-Things that don't exist any more?

-Things that have been downgraded.

-OK.

-The first... Yeah, they have been downgraded.

-I think.

-Things that have been...

There's the First Division...

I can't let you chat. What's your answer?

Things that have been downgraded?

Well done, Luke. They are things

that have been downgraded.

What can you tell me about the clues you're looking at?

I don't know what the first one means.

Ffynnon Garw is in the film

The Englishman That Went Up A Hill

And Came Down A Mountain.

It's the mountain that was, yeah, downgraded to a hill.

That's exactly right.

Football League First Division is now the Championship?

Well, it's still the First Division,

but when the Premiership came in,

the First Division became, effectively, the Second Division.

Yep. Pluto downgraded obviously to a dwarf planet, and the UK credit

rating downgraded after the Brexit referendum, unfortunately.

Very well done. Cricketers, back

-to you for a choice.

-Water, please.

Water. OK, what is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Two seconds.

Theme parks?

Good guess,

but not the answer, I'm afraid.

Inquisitors, you have the chance of a bonus point.

We think it's coat of many colours.

Coats of many colours is the answer.

Tell me about the clues.

-Joseph, of course, the multicoloured raincoat.

-Yep.

Colin Baker's Doctor Who wore a coat with lots of different colours

and patches and things on it.

-Dolly Parton...

-She is a song called Coat Of Many Colors.

-That's right.

And actually, there's a film, a biopic of her life,

that's called that as well.

The song is about growing up

very poor in Tennessee

and her mother stitches together

this coat out of bits of old rags,

and she's very proud of it.

And of course, the other girls at school are horrible.

And the Pied Piper of Hamelin.

I think in the Browning poem, the coat is two colours,

red and yellow, but he's

often described as wearing

a party-coloured coat,

a multicoloured coat.

So, well done, you get the bonus

and your own chance to choose.

-Eye of Horus.

-One of them's Music.

-OK, Eye of Horus, please.

JINGLE The Eye of Horus. Aha!

The music question.

So you're going to be hearing your clues.

What do they have in common? First one coming in now.

# No more poison

# Killing my emotion

# I will not be frozen... #

-That's Remedy.

-# Dancing is my remedy, remedy... #

Next one, please.

# Tweedle, Tweedle, Tweedledee. #

That's...

THEY CONFER

-It could be.

-# I'm as happy as could be... #

If that Little Jimmy Osmond? It could be "little".

-# Jiminy Cricket... #

-Next one. One more, please.

# Now, I woke up this morning, Lucille was not in sight... #

It is. That's Little Richard.

-Little.

-Is the connection.

What did we hear?

Little Boots and Remedy for the first one.

And was it Tweedledum and Tweedledee?

It's just Tweedledee, yes,

the follow-up to Long Haired Lover From Liverpool.

Yeah, Little Jimmy Osmond.

And the third one was Little Richard, Lucille.

That's absolute right,

Little Richard.

You didn't need to hear Little Eva,

which would've been the last clue.

-Very well done. How many of the Osmonds can you name?

-Um...

-Jimmy.

-Meryl.

-Donny. Meryl.

-Marie.

-I think there's a Wayne.

-Is there a Wayne?

-There's a Wayne.

A Jay and an Alan.

Who remembers Alan Osmond

these days? And Richard Osmond, of course, the big one.

Yeah, let's not forget Richard.

Cricketers, back to you for

the last question of the round,

the Two Reeds.

What is the connection between these two clues? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Yeah. Next.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Two seconds.

-Yeah.

-Parts of New York?

They are all neighbourhoods

in New York, yes.

Dumbo and Nolita are a bit more obscure,

but well spotted at the end.

Neighbourhoods of New York.

That means, at the end of round one...

So, a huge start for the Inquisitors,

and we're moving on to the sequences round.

You'll be going first again.

-What hieroglyph would you like?

-Twisted Flax, please.

-Twisted Flax.

OK, you'll be seeing the first in a sequence of four clues.

I want to know what is the fourth one. Your time starts now.

567.

That's horse racing.

THEY CONFER

Go next? Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Must be.

Oh!

So, it's... Oh, I know what the c...

It's a word that's got "seven" in the middle.

Oh, OK.

875. Yeah. Quick.

What's the word?

Two seconds.

So it's a word that's got the word "seven" in the middle.

I'm trying to think of what it might be.

I need to hear an answer

that goes with the other clues.

-SHE SIGHS

-Esteven.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

So, Cricketers, I'm going to show

you the third in the sequence,

and you've got the chance of a bonus.

Um...

-I can't give you long.

-No.

Nope, that's it. Now, you were on the right track.

All you had to do was say,

for example,

70, but I need the numbers.

One, two, three, four, five.

Because key to this sequence is that the numbers underneath

indicate where in the word the number appears.

So if you look above 567, you will see that letters five,

-six, seven of Cheltenham...

-Oh!

-..are T, E, N, spelling "ten".

-Yeah.

Letters three, four, five, six of puniness spell nine.

Three, four, five, six, seven,

E, I, G, H, T.

So I need a word with "seven" in it

and where those letters appear,

spelled out numerically.

A tricky one. No bonus for you,

Cricketers, but you may choose a question. What would you like?

My daughter said Lion, so Lion, please.

Lion, OK.

-Let's see if you will be grateful for that advice.

-Yes.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Larry Page, wasn't he the co-founder of...Google, or something?

Yeah, something Page.

-Sundar, wasn't he...?

-He founded something... He...

-Shall we go for the next one in the sequence?

-Yeah.

Next, please.

It could be Zuckerberg...?

THEY CONFER

Co-founder of...

BUZZ

Zuckerberg.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

So, a bonus chance for you, Inquisitors.

It's not that...

Not a chance for a chat.

Elon Musk?

Not it either.

What were you thinking the sequence was?

Sort of internet or technological billionaires,

going up in size?

It's more specific than that.

All these people have been CEO of Google.

Oh.

And we're going backwards

from the current CEO,

back towards the original one -

-Larry Page, who held the position twice. ALL:

-Oh!

So simply Larry Page again.

That's what I wanted to hear.

Your chance, now, Inquisitors,

to make a choice.

Eye of Horus, please.

The Eye of Horus. OK.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

-Le chagrin.

-Le chagrin.

OK, that's...pain?

Is it a song name?

-Sounds like, a bit Edith Piaf-y, or something.

-Could be.

Next, please.

-La joie...

-La joie...

Joy.

Do we go next?

-What do you think the third one would be?

-Don't know.

Next one, please.

-Une fille...

-Oh! Um...

BUZZ

-Is it not...?

-Un garcon?

Is the right answer, well done.

And why is that?

This is one for sorrow, one for joy, one for a girl, three for...

One for sorrow, two for joy,

three for a girl, four for a boy, in French.

That's right, it is the magpie rhyme

translated into French.

It's not the French version, which goes differently,

but it's ours translated.

And it's interesting,

le chagrin, there, is what they call a false friend.

When you say chagrin in English,

it means something else.

In French, sorrow.

Most people know it up to 7, don't they?

Five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told.

-Do you know what eight magpies mean?

-No.

A wish. Eight for a wish, nine for a kiss,

ten for a marriage never to be old.

-Oh.

-That's nice, isn't it?

-OK.

Although that could also sound sinister,

depending on how you interpret it. THEY LAUGH

Well spotted.

Back to you, Cricketers, for a choice.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds, OK.

These are going to be picture clues.

What sort of thing would you expect

to see in the fourth picture?

Time starts now.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

That's Ding Junhui.

So what would it be...?

Is it a name? Same name?

Next, please.

-That's Dong. Something D...

-Ding, dong.

Chinese dong. Vietnamese dong.

Which means...

-Ding, dong, so...

-Dung.

BUZZ

Pile of dung?

Would be lovely.

We went for a dung beetle,

cos we thought people

would be happier to see it,

but very well done, I will give you the points.

What is this sequence?

Dung, then dong for currency, then Ding...?

Ding Junhui.

And then, I presume she's...

The lady's Deng?

It's Wendi Deng,

the former wife of Rupert Murdoch.

Oh.

He's now married to Jerry Hall.

But he was previously married to Wendi Deng.

The sequence is Deng, Ding, dong,

a bell-like sequence.

I wanted to hear dung,

because we're going through the vowels,

anything representing dung. Well done.

Inquisitors, what would you like?

-Water, please.

-Water. OK.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

-Calida.

-Calida.

-I think there's a Costa Calida in Spain.

-OK.

-So it could be working the way up the coast.

-OK.

-Want the next one?

-Yeah.

-Next one, please.

Almeria Costa, Almeria... Then you have Costa Calida,

Costa Almeria, Costa Blanca, Costa Brava.

I think it's Costa Brava.

Shall we go for that?

-I think we should.

-BUZZ

Brava.

-Not the answer, I'm afraid.

-Oh!

So I'm going to show

the third in the sequence to the Cricketers

for a possible bonus point.

Anyone got any idea?

No.

I can't give you long.

-No idea.

-No idea, sorry.

No idea.

Now, you look at the third one, do you want have another go?

-Blanca.

-No points, of course.

-The answer is Del Sol.

-Oh!

Oh, I got it the wrong way round!

I think you know it's the Spanish Costas,

but we're going south.

I thought the Costa Calida was at the bottom,

and I was working my way up.

I used to work in Almeria,

so I was going that way rather than that way.

I did think you had an impressive accent

as you went through the possibilities.

But, yes, heading south.

Who doesn't do that when they go to Spain?

So, heading south, the answer would be Del Sol.

-Sorry.

-Unlucky.

No bonus point, then, Cricketers,

but you may have the last question of the round,

the Horned Viper.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Astronauts...?

Next, please.

-Anil Kumble.

-Shane Warne...

-Muttiah Muralitharan?

-Yeah.

BUZZ

Muttiah.

Is the right answer for three points.

And I don't think you'll have trouble

explaining this sequence to the viewers.

Yeah, it's wicket takers in Test match cricket, going by points.

Glenn McGrath took about 500 wickets,

Anil Kumble, about 600,

Shane Warne, 700,

Muttiah Muralitharan, 800.

That is absolutely right.

They are leading Test cricket wicket takers.

Yes, 708 for Shane Warne,

and on the top,

800 for Muttiah Muralitharan.

Well done.

A cricket sequence, that was a nice treat,

wasn't it? That was absolutely the bag of chocolate coins

in the bottom of the stocking for you,

at the end of round two.

And that means the Cricketers have eight points,

the Inquisitors have 12.

Time now for the Connecting Wall, and Cricketers,

it's your turn to go first this time, so you have a choice.

Lion or Water?

Lion, please.

Most people do choose the Lion Wall, I think

they think it sounds sort of powerful. And maybe it is.

You have 2.5 minutes to solve it,

starting now.

Staccato is music.

Mr Whippy, Mr Kipling, Mr Sheen...

Mr Muscle.

OK.

Michael Ball, Michael Bolton...

Michael Palin, Michael Portillo.

Yeah, go...

What's the other one?

-Bay.

-Michael Bay. Yes.

That's got to be it, hasn't it?

-Yeah.

-Oh, it's got to be Portillo.

-OK.

-OK.

Three lives, now.

Ice age... Ice hockey, ice sheet, ice lolly.

-Ice floe.

-Ice floe.

-Ice sheet...

Forked...tongue...

Sheet music?

Staccato is a musical term.

Can you play hockey... Can you play musically...?

What else is there? We've got age...

Forked tongue...

Has to be...

Why is it floe?

Well, you get an ice floe and an ice sheet.

Is there any word that goes with staccato?

Staccato...

What else have we got in there, fork?

Sheet...

Ice lolly, ice hockey...

Fork, what else is forked?

HE SIGHS

Floe?

What else could staccato be?

-Musical is the only thing I know with staccato.

-Ball...

-Anything that doesn't...

-Yeah.

What else could it be?

We'll be able to go for...

Ball...

You've got a minute left.

Are we going with these?

These...

Age... Do you want to try...? What's the most likely?

-Well, floe...

-Floe has got to be ice.

You've solved the Wall! Very well done.

So that's four points for the groups.

And what about the connections?

We'll start with the blue group,

Whippy, Muscle, Kipling, Sheen.

Products with Mr in front of them.

Mr Whippy, Mr Muscle, Mr Kipling, Mr Sheen.

All brand names with Mr added.

Well done. And the green group?

Bolton, Bay, Portillo, Palin.

Michaels?

In theory, they're all Michaels.

I mean, one of them, clearly, a giant among pygmies.

And the next group.

Hockey, age, lolly, floe.

Ice precedes them.

Ice hockey, ice age, ice lolly, ice floe.

That's exactly right.

And the final group?

Ball, staccato, sheet, forked.

-They're types of lightning!

-Lightning.

I was going to say, you think you don't know this, but you do.

Just at the same time as...

It's lightning.

Staccato, sheet, forked lightning.

The red herring there, ball, also a Michael,

but ball lightning is apparently, I've never seen it,

a sort of luminous ball of lightning that you get

during a thunderstorm, literally a ball of light.

Very well done. So that is four more points for the connections,

a bonus of two for getting it all right,

that is the maximum of ten.

Time to bring in their opponents now, the Inquisitors,

and give them the Water Wall.

See what they can do about solving it.

You have 2.5 minutes to solve this wall, starting now.

-Knoxville, Johnny Knoxville.

-Johnny... Johnny Vegas.

-Johnny Morris.

-Yeah.

Johnny... Hmm.

-Johnny Ball? Shall we try those?

-Go on.

I'd say, Vegas, Knoxville.

OK. Um...

-Pucker up, cough up...

-Yeah.

Measure up. Wrap up, tap up?

-Wrap up. Go for wrap up.

-Wrap up.

Butter up, as well, we've got.

-So, measure up... Set up...

-Yeah.

Cough up?

No.

Pucker up, cough up, wrap up, set up?

-Shaker, shot...

-Shaker, shot, muddler... Measure?

-Brilliant.

-So we've got belly up as well.

Three lives now, plenty of time.

So we've got up, we've got lots of ups.

Pucker, wrap, belly, tap, cough, set, they're all...

-In fact, lots of these are ups.

-Yeah.

Barn door...?

Belly, pork...

Jet set.

I don't know what else...

Puck...

But, set, bar...

Butter...

Wrap...

Wrap...

Cough sweet, cough...

Belly...

-Going to have to start going for the ups, though.

-Yeah.

-So what do you think? Pucker?

-You've got a minute left.

-Go for wrap.

-Wrap.

Let's go for cough, butter, belly, pucker.

OK. Cough, butter, belly, pucker.

No, that's one life gone.

-Barnstorming...

-Barnstorm, set...

Square... Cough, tap...

-I think cough has got to be one of the ups.

-Ups. Cough...

-And I think pucker, as well.

-Pucker.

-Have we done butter belly?

-Yeah, we did butter belly.

OK, let's go.

-No, one life left.

-One life.

-One more.

-20 seconds.

Butter up, pucker up...

Not wrap.

Not wrap. Pucker up, cough up...

Tap up, set up?

Belly up?

-No, that's it.

-No, that's your third life,

and the Wall has frozen, but you found two groups

and I'll give you more points if you can tell me the connections.

Knoxville, Vegas, Morris, Ball.

-They're all famous people called Johnny.

-They are TV Johnnies.

And the green group, measure, shaker, muddler, shot?

They're connected with cocktails.

They're used in bartending terminology.

And you can still get points for the connections

in the groups you didn't find. So let's resolve the wall.

There you go.

Butter, pucker, cough, wrap?

They can all be followed by the word up.

They can. Unfortunately, you got to the point

-where almost every word on the wall could.

-Yeah.

And what you didn't find was that last group, set, belly, barn, tap.

Dances? Dances.

They are dances.

Set dancing, a sort of Irish folk dancing,

and you'll know, of course, belly dance, barn dance, tap dance.

-Yeah, tap dance.

-They are dances.

So, two points for the groups and all four connections,

that is a total of six.

Let's have a look at the scores going into the final round.

So, we are absolutely even going into the missing vowels round.

Teams, you'll know this is the round where we take well-known names,

phrases and sayings, take out the vowels,

squidge up the consonants,

and I want to know, what are the disguised clues?

Points can be gained for the right answer

and lost for the wrong one, so buzz with care.

Fingers on buzzers, then.

I can tell you that the first group are all planes.

Inquisitors.

-Memphis Belle.

-Correct.

Inquisitors.

-Spruce Goose.

-Correct.

Inquisitors.

-Air Force One.

-Correct.

Cricketers.

-Enola Gay.

-Correct.

Next category, trains.

Inquisitors.

-Stephenson's Rocket.

-Correct.

Inquisitors.

-Trans-Siberian Express.

-Yes, it is.

Cricketers.

-Thomas the Tank Engine.

-Well done.

Inquisitors.

-Eurostar.

-Correct.

Next category, automobiles.

LAUGHTER

Ha, I knew this!

Inquisitors.

-Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

-Correct.

Inquisitors.

-Brum.

-Correct.

Cricketers.

-Tesla Model X.

-Well done.

Don't know this one?

It's Toyota Prius.

Next group, films with transport in the title.

Inquisitors.

-Snakes On A Plane.

-Correct.

Inquisitors.

-Murder On The Orient Express.

-Correct.

Inquisitors.

-Cars.

-Correct.

-Inquisitors.

-Oh. Uh...

No, you lose a point.

Cricketers, do you know?

-No.

-No?

It's The Boat That Rocked. Next category...

ROUND END MUSIC

But there's not going to be a next category,

because the bell has gone for the end of the quiz.

And I can reveal that, after a fearsome display in round four,

the winners, with 28 points, are

-the Inquisitors.

-God, well done, team.

And in second place, having got some of the most difficult ones,

with 21 points,

it's the Cricketers.

Very well done, both teams.

You are definitely through to the next round.

Cricketers, you may be among

our highest scoring losers.

Two teams will go through from this round even though

they didn't win their match, and you may be one of them, we don't know.

I hope we'll see you again.

What an exciting contest. Thank you for watching.

And before we go,

I'd like to apologise for what happened last week.

I thought the show was over and my microphone was off.

Obviously, I respect all contestants on this show as human beings,

and if I gave any impression otherwise, I'm truly sorry.

For me, phrases like, "Spread him on a cracker,"

"Buns that just won't quit,"

they're as innocent as, "Juice until the pips pop."

It's just words!

I'm glad I was able to clear that up.

Goodnight.