Fantasy Footballers vs Antiquarians Only Connect

Hello and welcome to the hardest game on TV.

In the world of quizzing, Only Connect is the SAS -

tough, uncompromising, and based in South Wales.

Now, these are lean times, and like everyone else,

we're on an austerity drive, we've cut all the easy questions.

Unfortunately, the sports car and speedboat we'd planned to give away as prizes have gone as well.

That's my fault for test-driving them after a couple of sherries.

So playing for glory only tonight,

we have Heidi Shaw, a part-time singing teacher

and former performing arts lecturer who now runs a local ladies' choir.

James Bedworth, a learning support advisor who is addicted to football

and is currently managing Lincoln FC online.

And their captain Jonathan Shaw, a civil servant for the Land Registry

who supports West Bromwich Albion and is currently reading

the complete works of Dickens in chronological order.

Online they are some of football's key managerial players,

off-line they are the Fantasy Footballers.

Jonathan, what is it about fantasy football that excites you?

It's better than real football where supporting West Bromwich Albion is just a hell really.

Do you manage a team online?

No, I tend to do the more orthodox through the newspaper's fantasy football leagues.

I think it's Jim who's the big online manager.

How are you getting on with reading the complete works of Dickens?

I'm up to Bleak House at the minute, it's only taken me seven years.

-You know what they always say about Dickens?

-No.

Very funny, not enough online football in it. Behind the times.

Your opponents tonight are, on my left, Simon Belcher,

a data analyst and qualified wine taster

who is the proud owner of five Blue Peter badges.

Debbie Challis, an audience development officer

at a museum of Egyptian archaeology,

who has a flair for interior design and loves exploring old cemeteries.

And their captain Will Howells, a digital media manager with

an interest in genealogy who collects 20th century theatrical memorabilia.

United by their insatiable appetite for all things historical,

they are the Antiquarians.

What are the historical interests that bring you together?

Debbie is into Victorian literature and ancient civilisations.

Simon likes old buildings and English history.

I like Simon and Debbie and also Edwardian theatre

and family history.

You're the fellow who put a song about Only Connect on the Internet?

-Yes.

-It is a brilliant song.

Look it up online. It's about dolphins and Only Connect,

but no time for such frivolity now because we've got a quiz to play.

We'll start with Round One, that's only traditional, I'm going to ask you what

is the connection between four clues. The fewer clues you see, the more points you get - simple as that.

The Antiquarians won the toss, so they'll be going first.

Please select an Egyptian hieroglyph.

Could we have Eye of Horus, please?

Kicking off with the Eye of Horus, your first clue is coming up now.

-Bob Hope impersonator. Someone who didn't win...

-Think of a name.

One of those talent show things?

Or someone who didn't win a competition...

Next, please.

Did they do it on themselves?

Would Bob Hope be a person who injected it into himself?

I don't think, how does that...

-Bob Hope?

-Shall we have another? Next one.

20 white kittens. They're all involved in...

-a medical development?

-Ten seconds.

-Next.

M&Ms, no brown ones. Are they all in a certain country?

-Have they got a certain...

-Three seconds.

-I think we're going to have to go.

-BELL

-Yes?

-Something to do with things people have done to themselves.

Er...I was going to ask what you mean by that and I realise we could end up

going in a terrible direction. I'll just say that is not the answer.

Fantasy Footballers, a chance of a bonus.

We think they're on bands' riders, items on bands' riders.

They are items, genuinely, that have appeared on riders

for performing artists.

Can you link them with any specific people?

I think no brown M&Ms is Van Halen, isn't it?

Van Halen have it on their rider and people think they're fussy,

but it's a test to see if people are reading their contracts.

If they haven't noticed the brown M&Ms,

perhaps they've missed other things. 20 white kittens is Mariah Carey.

There's a lot of urban myths about things Mariah Carey's asked for,

but when she was switching on the Christmas lights

at the Westfield shopping centre, she asked for 20 white kittens

-to be playing around her feet and 100 doves to be released.

-God!

It was turned down, which is a pity because that could have been carnage.

The Bob Hope impersonator, that's Iggy Pop, he asks for that -

I don't think anyone ever provides it.

And the physician to inject vitamin B12 - Prince has that on his rider.

Well done. That's a bonus point to you, Footballers.

-Please, pick your own question.

-Twisted Flax, please.

OK, your first clue is coming up now.

That was King James.

Is it books by monarchs? Do you want another one first?

Next one, please.

No I don't think that was written by a monarch.

Prince William was stationed there.

-He was, yeah.

-The first one was James I.

Next one, please.

Krapp's Last Tape was Beckett. Beckett, Russell, James.

Next one, please.

You've got ten seconds.

-Who wrote Shirley Valentine?

-Willy Russell.

Three seconds if you want to have a guess.

-No, it's gone.

-Out of time. It's a shame.

I like it when people guess, it's usually something ridiculous.

No points there. A chance for a bonus, Antiquarians.

Are they one-person plays?

That's right, they're all one-person shows.

You hear other characters recorded but just one person on the stage.

As written by Chekhov, Willy Russell wrote Shirley Valentine,

Beckett, Krapp's Last Tape, and Tell Me On a Sunday

is an Andrew Lloyd Webber thing, but all one-person shows.

-That's a bonus point to you. Please, pick a question.

-Lion.

Lion, OK. You're going to have four clues, if you need all four,

and the first one is coming up now.

Is it an award or a medal?

An inscription on a coin?

No, I don't think... Next, please.

Gentle way? Is it a Latin term for these or something?

Could be Latin terms, yeah.

Next.

Oh, that means karate, so they're martial art terms, do you think?

-Yeah.

-Yes, I'd go for that.

-BELL

English translations of martial arts.

Exactly. English translations of martial arts disciplines.

You recognised empty hand is karate. Do you know any of the others?

-No.

-Tai chi is gentle way.

Is the way of the sword Samurai?

No, you're just thinking of swords.

No, achievement through great effort is kung fu. The next one,

gentle way, that's judo in Japanese.

Karate, and kendo is the way of the sword.

So very well done, you get the points there.

-Fantasy Footballers, your turn.

-Water, please.

OK. This is going to be the music question.

You'll be hearing your clues and the first one is coming in now.

LADIES DUET

Next one, please.

# When the twilight is gone

-# You come into my... #

-Next one, please.

# Lead us to a place

# Guide us with your grace Give us faith so we'll be safe... #

It's the prayer.

-Ten seconds.

-Prayers.

-Go for it.

-BELL

All to do with prayers.

Absolutely right. You get two points.

All to do with prayers. You heard Evening Prayer

from Hansel and Gretel, then My Prayer by The Platters.

You noticed "twilight." This is where if you hear

the word "twilight" that's the one thing it's not going to be.

You would have heard Like A Prayer by Madonna, but you came in

at Bocelli and Celine Dion singing The Prayer. Very well done.

Antiquarians, up to you.

Horned Viper.

The Horned Viper, the first clue is coming up now.

-In the UK.

-It could be a symbol saying.

-Next one.

-Yes.

-Next.

A warning sign?

-Circular symbols.

-Yeah.

A circle with an A in it is anarchy.

-Shall we just go for letters in circles?

-Letters in circles.

-Shall we go?

-BELL

They're represented by circles with letters in.

Yes, they are, very well done.

Coming in after just two clues, you get three points.

Anarchy is an A in a circle, dry cleaning is F in a circle.

You would have seen heliport, which is a big H in a circle,

and copyright is C in a circle. Well gambled. Extra points to you.

Footballers, there is just one question remaining, the two reeds,

and you'll know to expect picture clues as we haven't had those yet.

Your first picture is coming up now.

-Fish.

-Carp.

Next one, please.

-Snake eyes.

-Could be seven... Are they lucky?

I don't know. Next one, please.

-They kissed his head.

-BELL

You kiss them for luck.

That is right. You didn't see the fourth clue,

which would have been

the Blarney Stone. What was it you recognised?

-Fabien Barthez's head.

-That's absolutely right.

They're all kissed for luck -

a hooked fish you kiss for luck,

the dice when you're playing craps,

but I've noticed those dice are on seven,

which is something you don't want to see in craps.

Well done, that takes us to the end of Round One and looking at the scores

the Fantasy Footballers have got five points,

the Antiquarians are in the lead with six.

Round Two is about sequences, this time I'm going to ask the teams

what is fourth in a sequence,

they may see one, two, or three clues before giving me an answer.

Antiquarians, you'll be going first again, please pick a hieroglyph.

We'll have Eye of Horus, please.

OK, I want to know what is fourth in this sequence,

you're going to see the first one now.

Chuck? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

Um... next.

It's parts of... It's cuts of beef.

Cuts of beef. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Shall we take the next one and see where it goes? Do we know...?

-Get another one, just to check.

-Next.

-Yeah, so it's cuts of beef.

-Oxtail? Topside?

Chuck is under then ribs, then loin.

-Where's loin?

-Backwards, I'd have thought.

-Ten seconds.

-I don't know which direction it's going.

Ribs are there, loin's there. Rump?

-BELL

-Rump.

The answer is rump, why is that?

They are cuts of beef, working down the body, we think.

Or across the body.

Going backwards along a cow's back, that is absolutely right.

-Footballers, your turn to pick a squiggle.

-Two reeds, please.

OK, first in the sequence coming up. What's fourth? Time starts now.

Next one, please.

They're vehicles.

Yeah, but what's the sequence?

I think it might be an elephant and a howdah,

I think it's to do with round the world with Charley Boorman.

Next one, please.

That's the thing you stand on, so it's got to be a unicycle.

Tuk-tuk's got three, Segway's got two.

Unicycle.

Unicycle is the right answer.

For what reason?

The amount of wheels in descending order.

They are vehicles with four, three, two, and one wheel.

What did I hear about an elephant?

I thought...

The opening sequence to that around the world thing

with Charley Boorman, he was riding on different vehicles

and there's a bit with him on a howdah on an elephant.

OK. I mean, can I just say,

having reduced the noble cow

to four cuts of beef, an elephant is not a vehicle.

It is if you're riding on the back of it.

That doesn't make it a vehicle.

A cow is not just beef,

an elephant is not a vehicle.

we need more respect for the animal kingdom on this show.

But Surrey, tuk-tuk, Segway, and unicycle are vehicles,

so that's right.

Back to the Antiquarians

-for a question.

-Respectfully, a lion, please.

I like your respect for the noble lion.

OK. First clue in the sequence is coming up now.

It's a French word, isn't it?

Laertes?

-It's a bird.

-Yeah.

Next.

Passions.

They're not things in Christ's life, are they?

Stages in his life, Easter...

But then that would go... I'd go for the next one to check.

Next.

-Palm Sunday.

-Palm, yeah.

-Easter.

-Passion Sunday, Palm Sunday.

I would go for Easter, yeah.

-BELL

-Easter.

That's right.

Sundays in the Christian calendar. Easter would be next.

Laetare or Rose Sunday followed by Passion, Palm, and Easter Sunday.

Well done. Footballers, what do you want?

We'll go for a twisted flax, please.

OK, these will be picture clues.

What would you expect to see

in the fourth picture? Time starts now.

Strawberries.

Hang on. It's the regal... it's the signs

-for different orders of the baronetcy.

-Right.

Four strawberries, but I can't remember...

Next one, please.

Three plums.

Are these not on a fruit machine? Strawberries, plums...

-You have a single bar.

-The sequence.

Next one, please.

Two pears.

It's going to be bar, isn't it?

Three plums, two pears... Why?

-Cos it's on a fruit machine.

-But it's a sequence.

Ten seconds. BELL

Bar.

I love your thinking but it's wrong.

Ah.

Antiquarians, a chance of a bonus.

-An apple?

-Yeah. An apple.

Yes, it is an apple, do you know why?

We think it might be a fruit machine thing but we have no idea.

How dissolute you all are!

Nothing to do with fruit machines -

it's children's literature.

They are things the Very Hungry Caterpillar ate.

Four strawberries, three plums, two pears and one apple.

Doesn't it look delicious?

Reminds me of what I ate only today.

Except it wasn't fruit, it was gin.

Bonus point for you, Antiquarians.

You may now pick a question.

Water, please.

Water, OK. First in a sequence coming up, what's fourth?

Time starts now.

There's Carson Daly, there's John Carson.

-Matt Carson as well.

-Yeah.

-The next one.

-Next.

-Leno.

-Leno.

Presenters of Tonight?

Letterman, er, all the biggest...

-Shall we take the next one?

-It's good, yes.

-Next.

Shall we have Letterman? Who took over from O'Brien?

O'Brien got sacked recently

and someone took over from him. But it wasn't...

People presenting it.

-Ten seconds.

-It could be the size of the show they're on.

-I can't remember who took over.

-BELL

Letterman.

That's not the answer I'm after.

So, Footballers, what do you think it is?

We'll go for Leno again.

You're absolutely right. You were in the right area,

they were successive hosts

of the Tonight Show - Johnny Carson, Jay Leno,

but after Conan O'Brien,

Jay Leno again. So very well done for the bonus point

and one question remains for you, which is the Horned Viper,

first in the sequence coming up now.

120 could be anything.

Next one, please.

Six 20s, ten 12s, two 12s... I'd do the rest, I think.

Next one, please.

6.

Perfect numbers.

Yeah, so what are they?

1, I think.

-BELL

-1.

1 is not the correct answer,

Another bonus chance for you.

2.

It is 2. Why is it 2?

It's 5 factorial, 4 factorial, 3 factorial.

so the last one's 2 factorial, which is 2x1.

That's absolutely right.

factorial numbers, 5x4x3x2x1...

and so on. Do you kick yourselves

when you hear the answer there?

-No, wouldn't have had a clue.

-Not your world.

That's what it means if you see

a five with an exclamation mark.

It means five factorial, not "FIVE!"

And they are 5, 4, 3 and 2 factorial,

The last one would be 2. So very well done for the bonus.

Looking at the scores, then, at the end of Round Two.

Fantasy Footballers have got 8 points.

The Antiquarians are in the lead with 12.

Time for the Connecting Wall.

There are still groups of connected clues

but this time, they're jumbled together.

The teams have to find the groups

and get extra points for the connections.

Fantasy Footballers, it will be your turn to go first

and you've got a choice between the Lion Wall and the Water Wall.

-Lion, please, Victoria.

-OK, you need to sort these clues

into four connected groups of four and your time starts...

now.

An adze is a tool to stripping wood

and I can't think of what else it could be. A tomahawk is like an axe.

South Korea, South Dakota, South America, South Atlantic?

-Do you want to try those?

-Yes, let's try them.

-BUZZ

-There's also South Shields.

Tonight, Maria, and America are in West Side Story.

-That's true, have we got another one?

-Erm...

-Cool.

-Cool, yes. Do you want to try that?

-Yeah.

Very good. OK.

Let's try this South, then.

South Dakota, South Shields, South Korea, South Atlantic.

-All right, OK.

-What's McTwist?

A chopper... an adze, and a tomahawk.

Careful, now, cos it's three strikes and you're out.

-A Fakie Ollie's a skateboard move, isn't it?

-A skateboard move.

So skateboard.

-There's a McTwist one as well.

-Yeah, I reckon it must be.

Do you want to try those? A Shifty is, I think.

So what would the others be?

A Tomahawk, I'd say.

Well, Wildcat doesn't fit in.

I reckon one of those two if they're axes, do you want to try one?

What would the other one be left?

Well, one of those two might be some sort of...

So we'd have axes and we've have skateboard moves?

-Yes, shall we try?

-Which one are we going for?

I fancy a tom... No that's not a Wildcat, is it?

You've solved the Wall. Well done.

That is four points for the groups you found.

There are bonus points for the connections. If you get them all, there's two more.

So let's start with the first group, America, Tonight, Cool, Maria.

They're all songs from West Side Story.

They are from the Bernstein and Sondheim musical West Side Story,

they're songs from that.

Next group, Korea, Shields, Atlantic, Dakota.

South something -

South Korea, South Shields, South Atlantic, South Dakota.

-Not quite as happy as I could be.

-Oh, North.

They can be preceded by South or North.

They are divided into North OR South. North and South Korea,

North and South Shields, North and South Atlantic.

And Dakota. It's North and South.

Next group, McTwist, Shifty, Wildcat, Fakie Ollie.

We think they're skateboard moves or skateboard stunts.

Or BMX.

Would you prefer BMX?

Do you know, you're in the right universe but I'm afraid it's neither.

-You're awfully close, what they are is snowboarding tricks.

-Oh!

Having been generous on the North and South, I won't give you that one,

but the last group - adze, chopper, tomahawk, ono, or o-no.

-They're all axe-like.

-Yes, they're all axe-like tools.

Tools for dealing with wood.

Yeah, they're axes, they're just sorts of axe.

Adze, the first one, with or without E -

all Scrabble players are familiar with that. Very useful.

Chopper, people think of as just a slang term for an axe,

actually, it's not, you can chop a rock and it leaves behind

a sort of cutting tool, that's a chopper.

Tomahawk, everyone knows.

The last one is a sort of giant Japanese battleaxe.

I must ring my mother.

Yes, very well done. That's four points for the groups

and another three points for the connections, so that's a total of seven. Very well done.

Time to bring back the Antiquarians and see what they can do with their Connecting Wall.

Pausing only to stress my mother is not a massive Japanese battleaxe.

I don't know why I said that, I'm simply nervous.

Not one of those three descriptors applies to my mother,

who is, in fact, a delicate Hungarian anaesthetist.

That won't mean anything to you, Antiquarians, but the Water Wall

is what you've got - 16 clues to be sorted

into four connected groups of four.

Your time starts...now.

Lathe and Finishing from Coventry, maybe? Alison Steadman?

Steadman is a number, I think, as well.

-James Corden?

-They're all in Gavin and Stacey - Larry Lamb.

So Horne, Corden, Lamb, Stacey?

-That's a group.

-So oilseed rape?

-Deaf ear?

-Grammar, Kelsey Grammer.

No. Lathe and Finishing are...

It's woodworking.

Actually, a rape... I think it might be a woodworking tool.

-Corner as well?

-Try those, yeah.

-Nope. Anything else it could be?

-BUZZ

-Hundred is represented by C.

-Riding, the Ridings of Yorkshire.

Riding is a division of a county, a Hundred is a division of a county.

A Sunday, a Page, a Rape... Erm...

BUZZ

What else could those be? Anything, ape, age...

-The.

-Dance music.

Dance music, corner, corner in boxing.

You have a Sunday Dance.

Grammar school, Finishing school, Riding school.

-Oh, yes, Sunday School.

-Or Dance School?

-Yeah.

-Any others?

BUZZ

Try those ones.

Don't panic. You've got about half the time left and you got two groups.

Lathe and a Rape, I think, are both woodworking.

Age, Ding. Hundred can be represented by C.

Profit. Small profit, quick return, also means prophet with a ph.

-There's Rape of the Lock.

-Fear.

Dread.

You've got a minute left.

-Corner.

-Page, you turn a Page.

-You turn a Corner.

-You turn a Lathe.

You turn a Profit, and you turn a Lathe.

Now, if it was those, what would these be?

Hundred, what's Deaf Ear?

-Oilseed.

-Oh, grape, no.

-Erm...

-I don't think it's for letters.

-Rape of the Lock, South Riding.

Turn a Deaf Ear, turn a blind ear...

Turn a Deaf Ear, I've heard of.

I think we need to check to see if we are right.

Go on.

There you go, you've solved the Wall. Very well done.

Four points for the groups you found

and now there's bonus points for the connections.

So the first one - Corden, Horne, Lamb, Steadman.

-They're all actors in Gavin and Stacey.

-That's right -

James Corden, Matthew Horne, Larry Lamb,

Alison Steadman from Gavin and Stacey.

Next, Finishing, Dance, Grammar, Sunday.

They're types of school.

Types of school, that's it, not Kelsey Grammer,

he spells it with an E.

Next group - Page, Corner, Profit, Deaf Ear.

They're things you can turn.

Things that can be turned, that's right.

and the last one - Lathe, Riding, Hundred, Rape.

Are we going to go for parts of a county? Or...?

I think that's worth a punt.

OK, we'll try parts of a county, areas.

They are subdivisions of a county. That's right.

Lathe is a division of Kent, Riding, Yorkshire,

You mentioned Rape, those are divisions in Sussex,

and Hundred as in the Chiltern Hundreds,

which I think people know because MPs take offices of profit there

as a sort of indirect way of resigning.

That is right. So you got four points for the groups you found,

four points for the connections.

You get a bonus two points for getting it all correct.

Let's see what that does to the scores at the end of Round Three.

The Fantasy Footballers have got 15 points

but the Antiquarians are ahead with 22 points.

If you're gnashing your teeth in frustration as you want Connecting Walls everywhere,

not just the television, you'll find them on the Internet.

Not enough on the Internet? Why not make your own your own?

That's also an option. The web address is on the screen now.

What do you think of making your own Connecting Walls?

Would you fancy it?

You have a high score - think you can make your own?

It's the first thing we'll do when we get home.

I do it all the time, I'm always trying to make the Connecting Walls.

I don't like holidays, I go home and sit making Connecting Walls in my head...

drinking hard.

Round four, well-known names, phrases, and sayings.

Vowels are out of them, what are they, teams?

You'll lose a point if you make any mistakes so be very careful.

The first group of clues are all cities purpose-built as capitals.

-BELL Footballers.

-New Delhi.

-Correct.

BELL

-Footballers.

-Islamabad.

-In Pakistan, correct.

BELL

-Footballers.

-Belmopan.

-Yes, it is, in Belize.

BELL

-Footballers.

-Baja.

-I'm afraid that's not right. Possible bonus, Antiquarians?

-Abuja.

That is correct, in Nigeria. You lose a point, Footballers,

but there's a new category, the next ones are all Legumes.

BELL

-Antiquarians.

-Puy lentil.

-Yes, it is.

BELL

-Antiquarians.

-Mangetout.

-Yes.

BELL

-Footballers?

-Adzuki bean.

-Yes, it is.

BELL

-Antiquarians.

-Petit pois.

-Correct.

Next category, the tallest bird on its home continent.

BELL

-Footballers.

-Rhea.

-In South America, correct.

BELL

-Footballers.

-Emperor penguin.

-In Antarctica, correct.

BELL

-Footballers.

-Whooping crane.

-In North America, correct.

BELL

-Footballers.

-Emu.

-In Australia, correct.

Next category, Footballers' wives.

BELL

-Footballers.

-Sheree Murphy.

-Yes, the wife of Harry Kewell.

BELL

-Footballers.

-Alex Curran.

-Mrs Steven Gerrard, correct.

A tricky one this, she's fictional - Tanya Turner from Footballers' Wives.

BELL

-Antiquarians.

-Louise Redknapp.

That is correct, just as time runs out,

meaning it's the end of the quiz.

Looking at the scores, then,

after a fantastic Round Four for the Fantasy Footballers,

they've moved up to 24 points.

But pipping them at the post with 27 points, it's the Antiquarians.

That means, Footballers,

you're going home despite that valiant performance.

Sorry about that, thank you very much for coming.

Antiquarians, you're through to the quarter-finals.

Now, I'm thinking...

Now you're in to the quarter-finals,

surely this calls for a celebratory chorus

of the Only Connect Internet song.

I think we can do that if you'd really like.

Do you happen to have brought a ukulele?

It so happens that down there is a ukulele.

Thank goodness for that. Come on, let's hear it.

# Dolphins - they're so intelligent

# Dolphins - smarter than men

# Dolphins - the sea's Carol Vorderman

# They solve sudoku though they can't use a pen

# So why aren't there dolphins on Only Connect?

# I'm sure they would get all the answers correct

# They might need translating from squeaky sea frequencies

# But they would know what the last in the sequence is

# Why aren't there dolphins on Only Connect? #

Marvellous performance, both in the quiz and the song.

Dolphins!

Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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