Joinees v Draughtsmen Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect, the quiz so difficult it got cancelled.

What's that? It didn't get cancelled? We've got a new series?

But that's brilliant!

That means this isn't a dream!

Welcome back, then, after that terrible time apart.

And I'm joined by some people who, only a moment ago,

I assumed were simply products of my troubled imagination.

Turns out they're not.

Or are they? Let's meet the teams.

On my right, Sean Gleeson, a sales director

and committed carnivore who once spent a year eating a different animal each week.

Rachel Burns, a primary school teacher

and amateur photographer with a penchant for football and Zumba.

And their captain, Dave James, a computer programmer

and blogger who loves Welsh rugby, Welsh rock bands and Welsh pubs.

They met through Danny Wallace's organisation Join Me,

making the world a slightly nicer place since 2002.

They are the Joiness.

Dave, the Join Me organisation involves doing nice things for other people.

That's the idea, I believe. What's the nicest thing you've done?

Quite a large Join Me

organisational thing was we actually funded the building of a school

in Kenya via the selling of different celebrity tat on EBay, essentially.

And when you were contacting the celebrities, did you say,

"We need your old tat"?

It was essentially Danny who did all the contacting for tat.

Danny Wallace from the Join Me campaign.

I can't help noticing as we skittered past

that Sean Gleeson once spent a year eating a different animal each week.

-I'm assuming that means eating FROM a different animal each week.

-Yeah, not a whole one.

-What animals did you get through there?

-We had horse, buffalo,

locusts, ants, mealworms, anything I could get my hands on, really.

I'm feeling hungry just hearing you talk about it.

Let's see who you're facing tonight.

On my left, taking on the Joinees,

Andy Tucker, a political analyst and former diplomat who has twice

been portrayed in the novels of John le Carre.

Steve Dodding, a dental surgeon and part-time philanthropist,

who enjoys non-fiction reading and playing the ukulele.

And their captain, Iwan Thomas, a freelance science editor

and chartered chemist, who likes playing golf and cricket.

United by their love of bitters and blonde beers,

they are the Draughtsmen.

Iwan, well, speaking as a bitter blonde myself,

you're very welcome to the show.

You've got a chemist and a dentist on your team.

-Does that mean you've got everything covered? What are you missing?

-We hope so.

Andy covers the areas that Steve and I are probably missing.

The languages and the world travel.

Now, Andy Tucker has twice been portrayed

in the novels of John le Carre.

You have to tell me a bit more about that.

I have a walk-OUT part in The Russia House.

I'm one of the two young men from the embassy in grey suits,

and he denies that one of the characters

in The Constant Gardener is me, but lots of my friends say it is.

Mysterious, as is only right and proper.

I'd have to kill you if I told you any more.

Well, speaking of enigmas, let's get on with the quiz.

Round one is the traditional place to start.

I simply want to know, teams,

what is the connection between four apparently random clues?

The fewer clues you see, the more points you can get for the right answer.

Draughtsmen, you won the toss, so you'll be going first.

Please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Horned viper, please.

-OK, the horned viper.

Your first clue will come up in a moment.

Shout when you want to see another one.

Time starts now.

-Andy, you're on.

-Language is... Keep your voice down? Silence, please?

Next, please.

-You're hopeless?

-It's not Esperanto, is it?

-It could be Esperanto.

I don't think it's a natural language, so could be Esperanto.

-Could be a made up languages.

-Yeah.

-Will we go for it?

-Erm.

-Next one, please.

-Ten seconds.

Erm...

-So you have a phrase. German, so it's...

-Three seconds.

BELL

"You're welcome" in various languages.

I'm afraid that's not the answer.

So, I'm going to show the fourth clue to the Joinees.

Do you want to have a go, for a bonus point?

Is it what Alan Sugar says in The Apprentice

-in different languages?

-You're in the right area.

They are all ways of firing people in different languages

that's used on The Apprentice in different countries.

Not made up languages.

You're looking at Portuguese, there,

Spanish, the one you mistook for Esperanto.

Sie haben frei!

That's the friendly German dismissal.

-SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:

-"You're dismissed"

would be the South African version.

Are you fans of The Apprentice,

-over there?

-Oh, definitely.

Very well done for the bonus point,

ways of dismissing contestants in the Apprentice.

Now your own question.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Can we have the lion, please?

-You absolutely can.

They are going to be picture clues, I'm discovering,

and the first one is coming up now.

Next.

-That's the brothers from...

-The Social Network.

Next.

Hugh Laurie.

OK, so let's see.

-Are they the ones that...

-Englishmen that play Americans?

-I'm not sure, go next.

-Next.

-Don't know who he is.

-They're not, like, second...

Ten seconds.

On Facebook, they were like the second ones, weren't they?

-Erm...

-Three seconds.

BELL

Are they all Englishmen who have made their mark in America?

Er, tell me how you think these people

have made their mark in America?

It's pretty much a stab in the dark.

Hugh Laurie was pretty much the

main clue. We recognised the twins.

I'm going to stop you before

you give too much away.

I suspect it was a stab in the dark.

There's a bonus opportunity

for the Draughtsmen.

We think they've all taken part

in the university Boat Race.

They have taken part in the

Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race.

That is Lord Snowdon.

Did he Cox the Cambridge crew?

That's right, he was the winning Cox for Cambridge in 1950.

Who's that in the second picture?

The twins from The Social Network, isn't it?

I can't remember their name.

It's the "Winklevi" - the Winklevoss twins.

Hugh Laurie, of course, the great comic actor, writer, musician,

also a brilliant oarsman, as well.

-And in the last picture, who's that?

-Dan Snow.

-Dan Snow, the historian.

They have all competed in the Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race.

Well done, you've got a bonus point each.

It's back to you, Draughtsmen, to choose your question.

-Twisted flax, please.

-Twisted flax.

First clue coming up now.

-Anything?

-No.

-Next, please.

They start and end with a bell?

Could be. Will we go for that?

-Yeah, go for that.

-BELL

They all start with a bell.

And finish with a bell.

Coming in after just two clues, you get three points,

they all start and finish with a bell.

Periods of meditation, trading

at the New York Stock Exchange,

You came in before you needed to see rounds of a boxing match

and school lessons.

Starting and finishing with a bell. Very well done.

You seemed to get it on the stock exchange one. Are you keen traders?

-No.

-Don't have any money, no.

Well, I don't think they do, either.

Back to you, Joinees, to pick a question.

Which hieroglyph takes your fancy?

-Eye of Horus, please.

-Eye of Horus.

-Many people's favourite.

-Absolutely.

Lets see if it's yours.

First clue coming up now.

Next.

THEY WHISPER

Not actually French.

Go for another one?

Yeah. Next, please.

Saxophone.

I don't know, I know the saxophone

is named after Adolphe Sax.

French fries are not...

-Next.

-You're under ten seconds now.

Tintin. Famous Belgian inventions?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

BELL

They're all invented by Belgians.

Invented or created by Belgians.

Very well done. What can you tell me about that first clue?

Very, very little. I would say. I'd say it contains some words.

Possibly a painting by Brueghel or someone.

It's a painting by Magritte.

It does contain some words.

It's Magritte, there are some words on it, what do you think they are?

-Not a clue.

-What about you, Draughtsmen?

"Ceci n'est pas une pipe."

"Ceci n'est pas une pipe." It's THAT painting.

French fries credited to the Belgians.

-The saxophone, who invented that?

-Adolphe Sax.

Adolphe Sax, that's a great name, isn't it?

-Adolphe Sax.

-And who is the Belgian creator of Tintin?

-Herge.

-Herge.

Why is he called Herge?

It's his initials, isn't it?

R.G. Herge.

You know the name

-of the actual person?

-No.

What about you, Draughtsmen?

Georges Remi.

Georges Remi, and it's the initials inverted, G.R.

Would be his actual initials, turned around, R.G. for the nickname.

Very well done, though, you get the points,

and Draughtsman it's back to you to choose a question.

-Two reeds, please.

-Two reeds.

-CHIMES

-That little noise means you've got the music question.

You will be hearing the clues.

Nobody ever looks pleased to find that out.

OK, the first piece of music is coming in now.

# The wind in the willow played... #

-Blueberry Hill.

-Next, please.

SINGER BLOWS RASPBERRIES

It's fruits, blueberry, raspberry.

-Are we happy with fruits?

-Yeah.

BELL

We think the connection is fruits.

-Berries.

-Berries.

-Berries.

Fruits called something berry. What do you think you heard?

Well, Blueberry Hill, which is the real music.

-Then somebody blowing raspberries.

-Probably Spike Milligan, was it?

-Well, it was The Goons.

-Yeah.

-The Raspberry Song.

We would have heard Blackberry Way, by The Move,

Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush as well. But just two of them required for you.

It's songs including berries in the title.

Very well done, so, Joinees,

there is just one question remaining, water.

And the first clue is coming up now.

Family planning. Next.

What the image, the symbol of the family planning clinic?

I don't know.

-Go next.

-Go next.

-Next.

England's oldest trademark?

No, it's not a star. Lion? No.

-It's not a barcode, is it?

-Ten seconds.

-Go next.

-Next.

-Triangle. Triangle.

BELL

We think it's a red triangle.

That's exactly what it is, they use the symbol of a solid red triangle.

Family planning, that's in developing nations to show that

the people or the equipment is dealing with family planning.

Nazi badge, political prisoners had the red triangle.

England's oldest trademark, what's that?

It wouldn't be a road sign or something like that, would it?

Do you know what it is over there?

Outside our comfort zone, because it's a bottled beer.

-It's Bass.

-It is Bass Breweries. I thought you might know that.

A friend of mine, the first time he tried to order a drink in a pub,

underage, looking very smart,

dressing as you do when you try to look older,

strode up to the counter and said,

"Could I have a pint of BASE, please?"

-LAUGHTER

-Very awkward moment for him.

And he's hostel, their logo green, but on an ordnance survey map,

a red triangle is what you'd see.

So, at the end of Round One,

the Joinees have got three points,

but the Draughtsmen are ahead with seven.

Going into Round Two, the Sequence Round.

Four clues, but this time they come in a sequence, and teams, I will not show you the fourth in the sequence,

because I want to know what that is.

What comes fourth?

Connections in your own heads, please, and tell me the answer.

Draughtsmen, you'll be going first again. Please choose your hieroglyph.

-Horned viper, please.

-The horned viper.

What would be the fourth in this sequence? Time starts now.

Sext. Are these the hours of the church?

-Which way are they going, though?

-Next.

Vespers?

Vespers or...

Do you want to get one more?

-Yeah, let's take one of the other options out.

-Next, please.

-Vespers. Prime?

-Yeah, prime.

BELL Prime.

I'm afraid that's not the answer, so possible bonus for you, Joinees.

What would be fourth in the sequence?

-Evensong.

-That's not it either.

What was your thinking, Draughtsman, about the connection?

The hours of the church.

Well, that is it. They are canonical hours, hours of the liturgy.

It's players going forwards through the day,

but after vespers, compline.

Compline would be the end of day prayer.

So the connection's right, but the answer wrong.

Joinees, your turn, which would you like?

-Twisted flax, please.

-Twisted flax.

Hope it's not too twisted for your sake.

First in a sequence coming up now.

-I think it's a kind of French designation.

-Next.

Yeah, it is, so it's going up, so it might be dauphin.

Do you want to go next and see?

You're going to have marquis... Probably viscount.

Go dauphin.

BELL Dauphin.

Not the answer, I'm afraid,

so I'm going to show the third in a sequence to the Draughtsmen.

Can you tell me what's fourth for a bonus point?

-Er, roi, king?

-Roi, I should think.

-Roi.

Roi is not in either.

I think you're correctly in the area, both teams,

of ranks in the French nobility, but going upwards after duc, prince

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-"prince," if you're trying to impress the locals.

And he would be before the roi, I suspect.

So, no points there. Draughtsman,

your turn to pick a question.

-Water, please.

-Water.

First in a sequence coming up, what's fourth?

Time starts now.

Bases. Could be bases.

The bases of DNA.

Er, next, please.

-B vitamins?

-B vitamins.

BELL

-One - thiamine.

-That is absolutely correct. And why is that?

They are the B vitamins coming down the order from B4,

-B3, B2, B1.

-That's right.

Adenine is not considered a vitamin any more but when it was

it was known as vitamin B4,

next along B3, B2 and B1 would be thiamine.

Very well done. Back to you then, Joinees. Pick a question.

Eye of Horus.

Our old friend. What is fourth in the sequence? Here is the first.

Next.

Oh, it's Windows. So it's Vista then Seven.

It was Vista after XP so it's Seven.

BELL

Seven.

-Why's that?

-Its Windows operating systems in chronological order.

That's it, it's consumer versions of Windows going forwards through time

after Vista is Seven. Very well done.

Both of you coming in after two clues there. We are hotting up.

-Your turn again, Draughtsmen. What's going to be?

-Lion, please.

OK, what is the fourth in the Lion sequence? Time starts now.

Next.

-Is it History? It's Michael Jackson albums.

-Is it History?

-I can't think of any others. Let's go for that then.

-History.

I'm afraid that's not the answer.

Joinees, I'm going to show you the third in the sequence.

-It's history. What's fourth?

-This Is It?

-Year, go with that.

-This Is It?

-I'm afraid that's not it either.

-What do you think the connection is?

-Michael Jackson albums.

There are Michael Jackson studio albums. Next, Invincible.

So no points there but, Joinees, you have a last chance

to get some points in this round. It's the two reeds.

I suspect they'll be picture clues because we haven't had those yet.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Time starts now.

Single bed. Next.

-Copper pot.

-Saucepan.

-It's not anniversaries, is it?

-Next.

Triple jump.

It's Jonathan Edwards, isn't it?

Single, double, triple. Quadruple.

-Something to do

-with quadruple.

BELL

A picture of something that represents quadruple.

A window with four panes.

That'll do. We had a nice picture of quadruple time. You're right though.

Something quadruple, for example time would be the last one.

-Who is that triple jumper?

-Jonathan Edwards.

It is, of course, the great Jonathan Edwards. Very well done.

At the end of round to then the Joinees have improved eight points.

It's much closer. In the lead are the Draughtsmen with 10.

Time now for the Connecting Wall.

16 clues all jumbled up which must be sorted

into four connecting groups of four.

If you want to play along at home,

you will find the Connecting Walls on our website.

If you want to play something else, maybe Scrabble or bridge,

we're not going to help you.

Your turn to go first now, Joinees. And you have a choice.

-Would you like the Lion or the Water wall?

-The Lion wall, please.

OK, you have got two and a half minutes to solve it

and a maximum of 10 points available.

Your time starts now.

-That's a musical, High Society.

-Popcorn is...

Oh, they're Ben Elton books. Let me go through those.

Go for that one.

BUZZ

BUZZ

-Chart Throb is a Ben Elton.

-If I could grin at you.

BUZZ

-BUZZ

-Interstitial - is that something to do with joints?

-BUZZ

-Coronation chicken.

-BUZZ

-Chicken. Maryland chicken... No, that's not going to work.

BUZZ

Hang on, popcorn chicken, coronation chicken, Maryland chicken

and another type of chicken.

-BUZZ

-Tatsuta?

BUZZ

-Oh yes!

-Let's go with the other Ben Elton books.

BUZZ

Pop-up keywords for, like, ads. Floating. Banner. Sorry.

Let's get rid of those.

BUZZ So, we've got banner ad, floating ad, pop-up ad.

-BUZZ

-Keyword - no, that's a Google thing, isn't it?

BUZZ

You're about halfway through the time.

-Gridlock, Stark, Meltdown, High Society.

-Leave out Meltdown.

-BUZZ Yes, and then those two.

-Leave out Stark.

BUZZ

-Three strikes and you're out now.

-Oh!

-Oh, its Banner, Stark, Parker, Kent.

-Superheroes.

That's it, you've solved the wall. Very well done.

An immediate four points for finding the groups

and bonus points available if you can tell me the connections.

-What about the first one?

-Types of chicken.

-They're chicken dishes.

That first one, a Japanese dish,

slightly more obscure than the others.

Next one.

They're all Ben Elton books.

Yes, you kept putting Stark in a group but no.

-It threw us a little bit.

-It's a red herring.

You're going to find it here.

-The altar egos of superheroes.

-The true identities of superheroes.

They are the real surnames of superheroes.

Can you tell me who they are?

David Banner is the Hulk, Tony Stark is Ironman,

Peter Parker is Spiderman and Clark Kent is Superman.

David Banner, I'll give you that, was the name in the TV series.

He was Bruce Banner in the films and the comics

but we weren't asking you that, it was just for extra knowledge.

Next group.

I think it's to do with advertising on the internet. Types of adverts.

That's exactly what it is - online advertising.

Various types that pop-up or appear between the pages.

They are all types of online advert.

That means as well as four points for finding the groups

you get four for the connections,

you get a bonus two for getting them all right.

A maximum of 10 points. Very well done.

Time to bring in their opponents now to see how they can fare.

They will get a new Connecting Wall with 16 fresh clues

that must be solved in the exact same way.

Hello, Draughtsmen. You will be getting the Water wall.

That's what remains to you. Two and a half minutes to solve it.

Starting now.

Books of the Bible.

-Pan's People.

-Job.

-Pan's People.

-Cherry, Dee Dee, Ruth.

-BUZZ

-Flick. OK, you got it.

We've got it. We've got two to get.

Three strikes and you're out, of course. Just two left.

Ballbearings.

You can lose your marbles, lose your grip, lose your bearings.

-And lose your cherry.

-That's very rude.

BUZZ Lose your temper.

We've got plenty of time.

-Deselect those though.

-Atom, grip - what goes with that?

-Bomb.

Stink bomb, cluster bomb, atom bomb and cherry bomb.

-Are happy with that?

-Yeah.

-We know what the links are.

You've solved the wall. Very well done.

Four points immediately for those groups.

Let's see if you can get the connections.

What about the blue group?

They're all books of the Old Testament.

All books of the Old Testament.

What about the green group?

All dancers in Pan's People.

-Or all dancers on Top Of The Pops.

-From Pan's People.

-You were very quick to spot those, I noticed.

-Well, yes!

-Of a certain age.

-Beautiful Babs, as Ronnie Barker used to say.

-Did you have a particular favourite?

-Beautiful Babs. Definitely.

We all loved her. Not me, of course, I'm too young. Next group.

-They all proceed bomb.

-All types of bomb. And the last one.

ALL: Things you can lose.

I'll have to explain to my mother why I know you can lose your cherry.

Moving on! They are all things you can lose.

It is a maximum of 10 points to you. Very well done.

Let's see what that does to the scores going into the final round.

The Joinees have improved 18

but the Draughtsmen are still just ahead with 20.

Very close walls.

If you enjoyed them, you can find more on our website.

You can even make your own if you are so inclined.

Draughtsmen, you must play on the website, you solved that so fast.

-Are you practised wall players?

-I think we were just lucky.

We do a lot of it... in the loneliness of our bedrooms.

And you got the maximum as well, Joinees.

Does getting other clues that improve the team's performance

count as your good deed for the day

or do you still have to help someone across the road before you go home?

It's not Friday so we don't technically have to do a good thing.

Friday you can be nice and then horrible for the rest of the week?

-Absolutely.

-That's a brilliant system.

One good thing on a Friday morning.

Monday to Thursday, ringing on the neighbour's doorbell

-and then running away.

-Absolutely.

-I might join.

But not yet because we've got Round Four to play.

The missing vowels round where we take well-known names,

phrases or sayings, lift out the vowels, squidge up the consonants.

Teams, I want you to tell me what those disguised sentences are.

Fingers on buzzers then, I will tell you the connections in advance.

The first group are cleaning products.

-BELL

-Scrum...

-Scouring powder.

I'm afraid the first answer was incorrect so you lose a point.

-Possible bonus, Joinees.

-Scouring powder.

-Correct. Next clue.

BELL

-Joinees.

-Sugar soap.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Washing-up liquid.

-That's right.

-BELL

-Bleach.

-That's right. Next category.

-BELL Thumbelina.

-Correct.

-BELL

-The Princess And The Pea.

-Correct.

-BELL

-The Emperor's New Clothes.

-Correct.

-BELL

-The ugly duckling.

-Next category.

-BELL

-Velvet crab.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Draughtsmen?

-I'm afraid you lose a point. Possible bonus, Joinees.

-Woodlouse.

The answer is woodlouse. Next clue.

-BELL

-Water flea.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Barnacle.

-Yes, it is. Next category.

-BELL

-Draughtsmen?

-Chartreuse.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Azure.

-Yes, it is.

-BELL

-Draughtsmen?

-Heliotrope.

-Yes, it is.

-BELL

-Draughtsmen?

-Titian.

-Correct. Next category.

-BELL Joinees.

-Parting of the herds.

-I'm afraid you lose one point.

-Draughtsman?

-Parting of the Red Sea.

-That's correct. Next clue.

-BELL

-Draughtsman.

-No, sorry.

Too long, I'm afraid you lose a point. Joinees?

Too long as well. It's Gideon's fleece. Next clue.

-BELL

-Draughtsman?

-Raising of the Tabitha.

-Yes, it is.

Next clue.

Joinees, no, I'm afraid the buzzer has gone off.

It was feeding the 5,000.

Looking at the final scores then,

the Joinees have got 26 points, the Draughtsmen have got 26 points.

It's a tiebreaker. The tiebreaker is going to be captains only.

There will be one clue.

Whoever gets it first will lead their team to the quarter-finals.

Fingers on buzzers then, captains. Silence from the rest of you.

There will be no connection given. Simply, the tiebreaker clue.

Here it is.

-BELL

-Draughtsman.

-The hand is quicker than the eye.

That is correct.

What an incredible Round Four.

Brilliant quizzing from you, Joinees,

you were absolutely fantastic.

You so nearly had it.

But with the tie-breaking 27 points, the Draughtsmen are the winners.

You will be coming back for the quarter-finals.

Sadly, Joinees, we have to say goodbye to you.

Thank you very much for watching. Do join us again next time.

Meanwhile, I am off to see if the other half of my dream came true -

Michael Portillo in my dressing room

sitting naked in a case of merlot,

challenging me to wrestle him off.

Goodbye.

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