Children in Need Special: Scrabblers v The Balding Team Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect, the show that's single-handedly

making quizzing the new rock'n'roll in that the questions are so hard,

it makes you want to throw your TV out the window.

We've got some very special guest quizzers here tonight,

not your run-of-the-mill celebrities, but classy, A-brained cultural phenomena.

Yes, it's our Children In Need special.

Let's see who's come along to play.

John Finnemore is an award-winning comedy writer

who, starring in Cabin Pressure and John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme,

will be as familiar to Radio listeners as the shipping forecast,

though much less helpful to shipping. He's never helped a ship in his life.

Clogging up the airwaves with so-called jokes while lives are lost at sea.

Konnie Huq put her Cambridge economics degree to good use for years

making monsters out of loo rolls and old cornflakes packets.

Her family were so relieved when she finally got a job presenting Blue Peter.

Now all grown up and a writer and presenter,

she co-wrote an episode of Black Mirror about a bleak dystopian nightmare,

which should get her right in the mood for Only Connect.

And their captain. For more than 20 years, one of the most popular voices on Radio 4,

she's been an actress, a magistrate and a newsreader on the Today programme,

but greater than all these accolades,

she's been a clue on the Only Connect connecting wall!

Alice Arnold! All keen on racks and tiling, they are the Scrabblers.

So, Alice, how do you feel about having been a clue on the wall?

It was probably the finest moment of my life, I think.

Were many people in touch as the name came up?

Er, two, I think, but yes, it was... Yeah, monumental.

Excellent. You will be trying to beat tonight, on my left,

Sir Simon Jenkins, who is a former editor of the Times

and current chairman of the National Trust.

He once described the British empire as "a remarkable institution that dismantled itself in good order."

So he should feel at home here at the BBC.

Clive Anderson is a comedian and a lawyer,

which means on his shows, he both comes up with the jokes and tells himself they can't be broadcast

And their captain, one of the nation's best-loved personalities.

She's a great sports anchor and award-winning and bestselling author,

a hero of Only Connect for being a woman who's not just passionate about her subjects

but really knows about them. And more than any of this,

she's Mrs Alice Arnold! It's Clare Balding.

For reasons of deference to their captain only, I'm sure they are the Balding Team.

Yes, married rival captains. We haven't had this

since the great days of Stainer versus Stainer.

Which of you, Clare, is more competitive and who do you think will win?

Everybody thinks I'm more competitive because they think, "You're sporty, you must be."

But when we play golf, Alice is fearsomely competitive

and routinely cuts my handicap to the point where she feels that I cannot possibly win.

And I think she'll win this. I almost resign right now.

I think she'll win and I'll be thrilled for her when she does THEY LAUGH

Now, our teams have given their time tonight

in the hope of inspiring you to give something to Children In Need,

helping to improve the lives of disadvantaged children

and young people around the UK.

So please do make a donation if you possibly can.

Teams, I want you to donate your brains to round one.

What is the connection between four apparently random clues?

Scrabblers, you won the toss, you'll be going first.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

Two reeds, I think, Victoria, please.

OK. You may see up to four clues

and they're going to be musical clues.

This is the music question right at the top.

What do they have in common? Here's the first.

# When she was just a kid

# Her clothes were hand-me-downs

Shall we say next? Yeah. Next.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

THEY WHISPER

What was the first one? Next.

# Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please

# I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees

# Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again

Five seconds. BELL

We're going to say toys. Wow. Coming in after three clues,

you get two points. The answer is toys.

You didn't need to hear Teddy Bears' Picnic. What did you recognise?

The March Of The Wooden Soldiers was the second one.

From the Nutcracker. Barbie... I'm A Barbie Girl. Yeah.

Barbie Girl by Aqua. And the first one?

Rag Doll was the first one. Ah! Absolutely right.

Toys is the answer. Well done. Baldings, your turn to choose.

We would like lion, please.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Bread song. Bread song?

Hm. Got to use our loaf on this one.

Can you sing it? Bread song? No

Next. Steve Bell cartoon.

It's in the Guardian. Is bread song in the Guardian?

What was that one, Maggie's Farm Didn't he do that

when the late Margaret Thatcher was around?

Hm. Next.

Lindsay Anderson film. Well, If was a famous Lindsay Anderson film.

If. It must be If. BELL

If. You also get two points for coming in after three clues

The answer is If. There is a bread song called If

a Steve Bell cartoon called that, Lindsay Anderson film.

You didn't need to see the Rudyard Kipling poem.

Scrabblers, your turn to choose Let's have Eye of Horus.

Eye of Horus. What do these clues have in common? Here's the first.

Next? Next.

THEY WHISPER

Another glass stump...

Next.

They're all in quotation marks.

Mm. What does that mean? Do we go for one more?

Three seconds.

Next. Oh, I'm afraid you're out of time.

OK, there is a bonus chance for you, Baldings. Do you know?

We think it's Prince Charles's references to buildings.

They are comments that His Royal Highness The Prince Of Wales

has made about architecture. Yes, often gets in trouble,

gets called a philistine for saying experimental new buildings are ugly.

He's always right. You haven't even got monstrous carbuncle.

We don't want to make it too easy. What was the monstrous blancmange?

That was the Millennium Dome. Oh. Prince Charles's opinion about that.

Is it helpful, Simon, to get Prince Charles's opinion

Yes. I think so. He's never wrong. I always agree with him.

That's the trick of it, I always agree.

Well done, Baldings, you get the bonus point and it's your choice.

We would like water, please. Water.

What's the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

THEY WHISPER

Can we go straight away? Yeah, course we can.

BELL They're all April Fool jokes.

Coming in after one clue, you get five points.

They're all April Fool hoaxes.

The other ones, Twitter to charge users for vowels,

the left-handed Whopper, Swiss spaghetti harvest.

All April Fools joke. Do you like them?

I'm not a big fan of them cos I know I can be taken in quite easily

but it's just telling somebody a lie

and in the newspapers, they're impossible to spot nowadays

cos real news stories, so-called are so freaky anyway

cos they're selected to be freaky, so just a little twist of extra freak...

Like there was one, I think recently, maybe even this year,

where they were going to weigh people to go on an aeroplane.

Well, that's quite a reasonable suggestion. It's an April Fool

but I don't see why. Is it an April Fool?

I thought that one was real. But that illustrates your point

No, that's actually real. They are planning to weigh people.

Shows what I know. Virtually nothing.

In my youth, Magpie, that programme, I think they did pills

that were dehydrated water, and when you put them in a cup..

And I absolutely believed it, when you put it in a cup, it bubbled

and it was water. Magpie was the rival programme to Blue Peter.

I hardly dared mention it in front of Konnie. Shame on you

Scrabblers, it's your turn to choose.

Twisted flax. Twisted flax. These are going to be picture clues.

But what do they have in common Here's the first.

That's Trafalgar Square.

Yes.

Next.

Oh, well, these are all the titles of the... That's a horned viper

and that's a lion. Oh. OK. BELL

We think they are the Egyptian hieroglyphs.

Yeah, Egyptian hieroglyphs.

They are the hieroglyphs from Only Connect.

You didn't need to see the two reeds and the water.

Yes, the questions were about the questions.

The hieroglyphs hid hieroglyphs After two clues, three points.

Back to you, Baldings, for the last question of the round, horned viper.

What do these clues have in common? Here's the first.

THEY WHISPER

Next.

Are we meant to be finishing them?

We've got to identify what these things are.

These are... Oh, hang on, hang on. BELL

OK. I think I've got it. Righty-ho.

We've got it, apparently. I look forward to hearing.

I was about to say is it Twitter? Because you only get 140 characters.

But I'm looking at that and it's way too short.

I'm afraid that's not the answer, so I'll show the next two clues

to the Scrabblers for a possible bonus point.

Is it what Bart Simpson writes on the blackboard

at the beginning of The Simpsons? That's exactly it,

lines written by Bart Simpson on the blackboard in the opening sequence.

Very well done for the bonus point. That means, at the end of round one,

the Scrabblers have six points,

the Baldings have eight.

We are quizzing tonight, of course, to try and raise money for Children In Need,

helping to improve the lives of disadvantaged children and young people around the UK.

Every penny you give to BBC Children In Need will go towards

projects helping disadvantaged children in the UK.

If you'd like to make a donation, please visit

the Children In Need website at

Please do give generously if you can. Every penny counts.

But we're going to play round two, the sequences round.

This time, teams, you have to work out the connections in your heads and tell me what comes fourth

Scrabblers, you'll be going first again.

Which hieroglyph would you like

Lion. Lion. OK.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Oh, it's the lyrics to Top Cat.

He's the most sensational, something, something.

So the fourth one might be Top Cat. Shall we just say Top Cat? No. OK.

No? Wouldn't it be the fourth adjective?

Oh, I see, yeah. # Most sensational...

Truly exceptional. # Motivational

You're right, it might be the one before Top Cat.

Damn! Are there that many?

I don't know what the fourth one is, anyway, so should we...

Should we just say... Top Cat. Shall we guess on Top Cat?

BELL Er, Top Cat.

I'm afraid that's not the answer,

so I'm going to show the next two in the sequence to the Balding team

for a possible bonus point. # Inspirational, celebrational

THEY LAUGH Something -al.

International? Inter... No, no.

International I quite like. Celebrational...

Erm... I can't give you too long.

I'm only suggesting international cos it rhymes. No, you don't know it.

You're so close, but you're thinking of the wrong children's show

Most sensational, inspirational .. The Muppets!

..celebrational, Muppetational!

Muppetational is the word I was looking for.

The Muppet Show theme tune, that's what it was, not Top Cat

Balding team, it's your turn to choose a question.

We'll go for water this time. OK.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Half-asleep.

Next.

Half-asleep, big-nosed.

Are these dwarves?

No. Sleepy, Nosy.

Next. Oh, is this something to do with hobbits?

Next.

Michael, colloquially. Mike.

Mike. So, Mike.

Half-asleep is dozy.

Big-nosed is nosy. Beaky, yes.

Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich! Tich

BELL Tich.

Small person we want to indicate the name Tich.

You're absolutely right, Tich is the answer. What's the sequence

Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.

But they'd got it from the dwarves. That's right. Interesting.

But this is the band mates of Dave Dee. Yes.

And the words indicate Dozy, Beaky, Mick,

and we went with small person to suggest Tich, the next band member.

Well done. Back to the Scrabblers to choose a question.

Two reeds. Two reeds. These are going to be picture clues.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Here's the first.

A cloud. Next one. Next.

Is it air, earth, fire and water?

OK, shall we say that? I don't know. Or is it water and fire?

The elements. Yeah, but... We get double points if we get it after two.

Yes, we do. So it'd be air, earth,

fire and water or water and fire? I think fire and water.

Yes, I don't know... Next.

Oh. OK. Mexican wave. Oh, that's a wave.

A Mexican wave. So it's cloud,

wave... Three seconds. Next.

I'm afraid the time is up. You can't shout next.

I'm shouting next at you. What is it? OK, so the clock's out.

Baldings, do you want to have a go for a bonus point?

Nope, you haven't got it. What you were looking at is cloud,

hills, crowd.

And I want to hear daffodils!

Ah! I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vales and hills,

when all at once I saw a crowd. . of daffodils.

They're easy once you tell us the answers. Yes, aren't they?

It's the Wordsworth poem, the words that appear

at the end of the opening lines Cloud, hills, crowd, daffodils.

So no bonus point to you, Baldings,

but you do get to choose your own question.

Horned viper, please.

Horned viper, OK. What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

He was a... THEY WHISPER

It's the sequence that we want, so next.

Ethelred the Unready.

He was king of England. Are these sons of Canute or something?

These are kings of England or kings of Northumbria. Next.

Is it Edward the Confessor? These are all, erm...

These are... Anglo-Saxon... Well, Forkbeard is more Nordic.

They were kings of England.

Yeah, but are they more closely. . BELL

So we're going to go for... Edward the Confessor? Edward the Confessor.

Edward the Confessor. Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Scrabblers, it's your turn to go for a bonus point.

We think it could be Harold. I'm afraid that's not it.

Now, you asked... Canute. Canute is the answer.

At some point, you wondered if they were sons of Canute.

His predecessors. Successive 11th century kings of England.

And after Edmund Ironside, it was Canute.

Scrabblers, your turn to choose Twisted flax. Twisted flax.

OK, what would be the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Oh, right. What's that called? What's that called now?

Next.

Oh, that's Today, isn't it? Is it?

Today. OK. So the History Channel, Today... They could all...

History, Today... No, hang on. Yesterday.

Yesterday, Today.

The Day After Tomorrow. Yeah. Yes. BELL

Which is the film. Yeah, it'll be that. The Day After Tomorrow.

And looking at the other clues, what do you think is fourth?

It was a film about environmental disaster, something like that.

That's it. We've got 2004 global warming sci-fi film,

it indicated The Day After Tomorrow. Yes, UKTV History named Yesterday,

newspaper was Today, song from Annie Tomorrow and The Day After Tomorrow.

There is one question remaining It is the Eye of Horus.

Balding team, that's for you.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

OK. This is high... This is high drama.

High figures. Yeah. Next.

Oh, you're right. You're right. It's maximum viewing figures, is it?

Biggest viewing figures of all time. Biggest viewing figures,

but are we building, do you think?

I think it's going to be... We'll have to get the third.

It's going to be Dallas. Well... Next.

Yeah, we'll have to see the next one.

Funeral of Princess Diana. Olympic Games?

Something like the World Cup Final. BELL

Something with you in it, probably.

We think it's viewing figures, television viewing figures,

and we think... Did it set the new record, the Opening Ceremony?

The highest at the time.

Erm... Something with Clare in it, anyway.

It'll be... Well, unless it was the royal wedding. It might have been.

Princess Diana and Prince Charles was a bigger figure...

Oh, right. You guess. We'll take the other if you're wrong.

We'll say the royal wedding, as in... Well, actually, no.

I'm going to have to ask you for an answer. The royal wedding.

That's not it, I'm afraid. Scrabblers?

The Olympic Opening Ceremony. It was not the Olympic Opening Ceremony.

It was not something with Clare Balding in it for one reason only,

because she's far too young and sprightly. 1966 World Cup Final.

They are highest UK TV audiences and the highest ever,

until this show was broadcast, the 1966 World Cup Final.

What was the figure? Do you know? 4-2 to England.

No! Do you want to have a guess

I'm thinking it's got to be up around 30 million

or 28 million, something like that.

The number of people watching the 1966 World Cup Final

was 32,300,000.

At the end of round two, the Scrabblers have got nine points

the Balding team have ten.

Time now for the connecting wall and the Balding team will be going first this time.

Would you like lion or water?

I think we'd like lion, please. Lion. OK.

You've got two and a half minutes to solve the lion wall starting now.

Ah, Best, Martin, that's your ' 6.

That's footballers.

A Handful Of Dust, we've got novels here.

Vile Bodies. Are these now... Decline... That's Evelyn Waugh.

Yeah. Scoop. And... Handful Of Dust. No.

That's a trick. You've got to spin them now.

Er... Look for the other one, as well.

Oh.

George Best, George Martin. Georges, yes.

George Epstein. And George...

Sutcliffe?

No. Best, Martin, Epstein. George Preston?

No, you can't, cos that's a different...

We want to do that, that, yeah, go on.

Not that. Is Above The Fold? Nope.

What about those Georges? Scoop Vile Bodies, Decline and Fall.

Puff Piece?

Is that one?

No. Puff Piece.

Kitts?

Yeah, OK, let's do the novels. Aghh.

Scoop. Let's do Vile Bodies. . Hang on, cos you've still got Kitts.

So you're... Oh, yeah, take it away, you're right. Yep

A Handful of Dust. Not Scoop.

Helena? Yeah, well, that is.

Well done. OK, now, let's go... I think these are Georges.

George Best, George Martin, George Epstein

and another. George who? It wasn't Sutcliffe. No, no.

It wasn't Sutcliffe. Preston?

No. Best, Martin, Epstein...

CLARE SIGHS

These are all journalist expressions. OK. Well done. Yep

And... Cub reporter.

Well done. Three strikes and you're out now. OK. OK.

St Kitts, St Lucia. Yep, well done.

St Vincent. St Vincent and... St Martin.

Ah! You've solved the wall.

Excellent work. Hold on.

I'm going to give you four points straight away for the groups and more points for the connections.

Helena, Vile Bodies, A Handful of Dust, Decline and Fall.

Books by Evelyn Waugh. They're novels by Evelyn Waugh.

Scoop, above the fold, puff piece, cub.

Journalistic terms. Yes, you spotted those from the old Times days.

Martin, Vincent, Kitts, Lucia.

St. Saints in the West Indies.

They are Caribbean islands called Saint. And what about the last one?

Best, Preston, Epstein, Sutcliffe.

All sculptors? I thought George. We thought they were Georges but...

They're not Georges. No, you're not seeing it.

They are all people who were referred to as the fifth Beatle

Oh, yes! Oh, gosh. We have got Stuart Sutcliffe, the original bass player,

Pete Best, the drummer, Brian Epstein, the manager,

and Billy Preston, the keyboard player.

But an excellent score. Four points for the groups,

three more for the connections, that's a total of seven.

Time to bring in the Scrabblers give them new clues to scrabble about in,

see if they can sort them into four connected groups of four.

It's the water wall that remains. Your opponents took lion.

You've got two and a half minutes to solve it starting now.

OK. Right. Ah, so there's some yoga positions there, I think.

And there's races. Three-legged, egg-and-spoon, sack.

Pancake. Pancake.

No. OK. Wheelbarrow race. OK, wheelbarrow,

three-legged, egg-and-spoon and sack again? Yep.

OK, right. Yay!

Pancake... Ah, bronzer. These are make-ups.

Pancake, bronzer, rouge and foundation.

And then there's some beetles. Slow down. Three strikes and you're out.

There's plenty of time. OK, beetle. Death watch.

Goliath is a beetle. So we'll do three but no more.

Cockroach. Those three. And I think Colorado might be.

Colorado beetle. So don't press it. Don't press it.

What would click, rot, coch... Cockroach.

Rot, Rotterdam. We've got lots of time. Yeah.

Rosso, is that a wine? No.

What could the other thing be? They mean red in different languages

That's red in German, red in Italian.

And coch, cochineal. So click must be red in something.

So... Unless it's a click beetle OK, right.

So... So we're ready to do this now, aren't we? Yeah.

Goliath and Colorado. No.

Two more goes. Death watch. Oh, dear.

Well, death watch is not a type of red. Yeah. No.

Goliath surely isn't a type of red. Colorado could be red.

No, no, red. Yeah. Stag. And click. Yeah.

That's it. You've solved the wall.

Very well done. Four points for the groups. What about the connections.

Sack, three-legged, egg-and-spoon, wheelbarrow.

Races at sports days? They are races.

Pancake, foundation, rouge, bronzer.

Make-up things. Types of make-up

Click, Goliath, stag, death watch.

Beetles. All beetles.

And the last group. Colorado, rot, coch, rosso.

Words for red, types of red. Words for red in different languages.

Very well done. Four points for the groups,

four more for the connections, plus I can give you two bonus points for getting it all right.

That is the maximum of ten.

Let's have a look at the scores now as we go into the final round

The Baldings have 17 points,

the Scrabblers have 19.

And yes, I've put on the ears of this little stout, hairy creatures.

Unfortunately, the resemblance doesn't end there.

If you go to our website, you will find a special Children In Need

connecting wall and a link to the Children In Need donation website.

Please give something if you can.

Children In Need is helping to make a positive change

to the lives of disadvantaged children and young people

across the UK. But I'm going to make

a negative change to your lives teams, with more questions.

It's round four, missing vowels. We've taken the vowels out of well-known names, phrases or sayings

and squidged up the consonants and I want to know what are those disguised clues?

Fingers of buzzers. The first group are all legal defences.

Mistaken identity. Correct.

Moral coercion. I'm afraid that's not it. Baldings?

Marital coercion. Marital coercion. Next clue.

Necessity. Not it, I'm afraid. Scrabblers, do you know?

Insanity. Insanity. Next clue.

Diminished responsibility. That's right. Next category.

Sticky-backed plastic. That's right. That's the Welsh version.

Here's one I made earlier. Yep.

Does nobody remember... Scrabblers?

Asking... No. No. Baldings, do you know?

Ask and let the... That's not it, either.

It's ask an adult to help you. Oh! Next clue.

Get down, Shep. Those were the days.

Next category...

Batteries not included. Correct

No, that's not it. Baldings, do you know?

It's something assembly... THEME MUSIC PLAYS

That's not it, either. Adult assembly required. Too late now

It's the end of the quiz and the Scrabblers finish with 20 points.

The Balding team finish with 20 It's not the end of the quiz.

It's a tiebreak. How exciting! In a tiebreak,

it will be captains only.

There will be one missing vowels clue.

If you buzz in with the right answer, you've won.

If you buzz in with the wrong answer, the other team wins by default.

So, Alice and Clare, in a situation destined to have you both arguing for decades,

fingers on buzzers. Good luck. Here's your tiebreak clue.

Baldings. Better late than never.

It is better late than never!

And with that, you have won the match for your team.

A very creditable 20 points for the Scrabblers,

but just one point ahead on a tiebreak,

the Balding team have won the day. Well done.

Well done, all of you. Excellent quizzing and thank you so much

for coming to give your time for this excellent charity appeal.

Thank you for watching, thank you especially if you're able to make a donation

to the brilliant Children In Need. But the quiz is over.

The only rounds left are the sandwiches in the green room,

which means, although the show is finished, for our teams, the ordeal is just beginning. Goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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