Board Gamers v Bakers Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect, the Grand Final of Series Eight.

For the quizzing community, this is the FA Cup,

but the players don't drive Bentleys and can tie their own shoelaces.

I'm confident we're about to witness a masterclass in lateral thinking.

Remember, at stake is the title of Only Connect Champions,

a prize more sought after than the Holy Grail,

with the cash value of a late Status Quo album on cassette.

In the final tonight, we have...

On my right, Tim Spain,

a failed blacksmith who's been on top of a volcano

and inside a glacier, and once met Jon Culshaw while comet spotting.

Matt Rowbotham,

a tax lawyer who enjoys

snow-sculpting, pumpkin carving

and singing Meat Loaf on the karaoke.

And their captain, Peter Steggle,

a professional speech writer who loves holidaying in unusual

buildings and rocking out to the music of the Indigo Girls.

United by a fondness for flour, they are the Bakers.

So, Peter, you're in the final. How does it feel?

We're as surprised as you are, Victoria.

But it's been a lovely ride so far,

and we'll try and finish it off

in appropriate style.

I'm never surprised by anything, and I've seen the questions.

Let's meet your opponents.

On my left, Hywel Carver,

a keen knitter who's learning Swahili

and was a member of an assassins' guild,

together with his fellow assassin

Michael Wallace,

a statistician with a passion for puzzles who's the civil partner

of their captain, Jamie Karran,

a hospital doctor, who celebrated his union with Michael

in the Morrisons supermarket cafe.

United by

a craving for Kerplunk,

they are the Board Gamers.

So, Jamie, you've got a team

of amateur assassins.

How will you celebrate if you win? Another trip to Morrisons?

Well, actually, I'm supposed to be doing a hospital,

very late, night shift, sometime after this,

so I think I'll get a little bit drunk afterwards

in the great medical tradition

and then maybe tomorrow morning we

can go into Morrisons all together.

I always start drinking on the morning of a final of a quiz,

so watch out for the questions going a bit weird.

Right, let's press on with Round One.

What's the connection between four apparently random clues?

And this being the final, they're going to be very random.

Bakers, you won the toss so you'll be going first.

-Please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Water, please.

OK, Water will be the first question of the final.

What's the connection between these? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

-They sound like crosswords.

-Yes, they do. Yeah.

Posh convict. So prison. So jail.

Um...

No, we're going to have to... Next, please.

-Are they all the same word?

-They must be cryptic clues...

All clues for the same word?

Victoria...

Victoria. Oh, yeah.

BELL

-Victoria.

-Yes?

They are all crossword clues,

and the answer is Victoria.

You didn't need to see

the last great one.

"Presenter of OC trivia,

"confusingly!"

Crossword clues, and the answer is Victoria. Talk us through them.

Are you good at crosswords?

Er, I love crosswords, so I'm ashamed that I didn't get that one sooner.

Um, it's the second one,

"Posh convict, or Ian, confined" is an in-clue,

so you read from the V in "convict" and it just spells out Victoria.

"Plum sponge" is where you have two words that mean the same thing,

"Victoria plum", "Victoria sponge."

And the first one, I...

-Winner is "victor," presumably.

-Oh, victor!

-And then IA the other way round.

-Yep.

That's it. Ex-royal, meaning

the whole thing, Victoria.

Winner, victor.

Getting A1 turned round, 1A.

And the last one, "confusingly" suggesting an anagram,

and that would be of "OC trivia".

What a brilliant question

I think that is, and not just cos

the answer's Victoria. I like it,

four crossword clues.

Very well got. After three clues,

two points. Back to the Board Gamers

to choose a question.

Er, we'll keep taking the Lion,

-I think.

-OK, you love the Lion.

It's got music for you this time, it's the music question.

What do these pieces have in common? Here's the first.

# It flooded the crimson twilight

# Like the close of an angel's psalm... #

Next.

# These words are my own... #

That's, erm, Natasha Bedingfield, These Words.

# ..From my heart flown

# I love you, I love you I love you, I love you... #

Next.

-# And you can tell everybody... # That's Elton John.

-Your Song.

# This is your song... # JAMIE: This is Your Song?

# ..It may be quite simple but

# Now that it's done... #

Next.

# I write the songs that make the whole world sing... #

Three seconds.

BELL

Erm, so they're all songs that describe the fact that they

are a song, so, Your Song,

then Natasha Bedingfield, These Words.

I don't know the other two.

That's absolutely right,

they're all songs about songwriting.

I Write The Songs, Barry Manilow,

and Arthur Sullivan's

The Lost Chord.

Songs about songs, very well done.

Back to you, Bakers, to pick a question.

Twisted Flax, please.

Happy in the knowledge it won't be the music question.

Everyone's least favourite.

What's the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Yeah. Next, please.

I don't know if she discovered radium.

Did she name it?

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Next, please.

Three seconds.

BELL

Titles of books and their authors.

Not the titles of books and their authors.

Board Gamers, you've got the chance of a bonus point.

We think it might all be people who were killed by these things.

Oh, brilliant.

How would Sir Walter Scott have been killed by chivalry?

We think he did something very brave which got him killed, somehow.

Marie Curie invented... Well, discovered radium,

which killed her. Carl Sagan was killed.

Life, which kills everyone!

And Harry Houdini tried to conjure...

He tried the trick with the water.

Didn't he kill himself? Or did that kill him? Or am I...

Was he in a box full of water and then he was like, "Oh, no!"?

It's really not it.

The thing is, chivalry doesn't really mean bravery, does it?

It might be he stepped back to let someone go through a door first,

and then the door swung back, whammed him in the face

and he immediately died.

Sir Walter Scott was certainly not killed by chivalry.

No, these are authors of articles in the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

These people all wrote on those subjects. No points there then.

Board Gamers, you have the chance to choose a question

-The Eye of Horus, please.

-The Eye of Horus.

What do these clues have in common? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

Next.

Next.

Three seconds.

BELL

They are the meanings of elements,

names of elements.

It's another absolutely inspired guess,

but they're not the meanings of elements' names.

Bakers, you have the chance of a bonus now.

They are number one on scales.

That's exactly what they are,

they rate one on scientific indexes.

Or indices.

-Do you know what the scientific indexes are?

-Um, the first one

is someone or other's sting pain scale.

Very good. Schmidt his name was, Schmidt sting pain index.

I'm not sure about the second.

The third one is the Beaufort scale, I believe.

It is the Beaufort wind scale, that's right.

And the last one is Mohs scale of hardness.

Right. Do you know what the second one is, Doctor?

Yes, it's the Bristol stool chart.

It's the Bristol stool chart.

Let's move quickly on to the next question.

Bakers, that'll be for you. Which would you like?

Two Reeds, please.

What's the connection between these picture clues? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Next, please.

Next, please.

Three seconds.

BELL

They're all named after Dutch things.

Wow! They are not all named after Dutch things.

Board Gamers, your chance for a bonus.

Scott Joplin pieces.

They are Scott Joplin rags. Weeping Willow,

Maple Leaf, Wall Street,

and what's the last picture?

-Oh, The Entertainer.

-Yes.

It's Laurence Olivier in the 1960 film The Entertainer.

And there is one remaining question, it's the Horned Viper,

what do these clues have in common? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

BELL

Are they all unwinnable games?

Very well done, coming in after two clues,

I'll give you three points, they are unwinnable positions

or unwinnable games.

There are all four clues. What can you tell me about them?

The Kobayashi Maru is the unwinnable scenario

which everyone always wins

to show how good they are in Star Trek.

Pac-Man level #256 is the kill screen

where it is half of normal Pac-Man level

and half of just hashes and symbols,

but you can actually play it and win,

at which point the game resets to the first level again.

If you've memorised the layout and you know the behaviour of the ghosts,

because they all behave in very specific ways.

Wow, fantastic. the first one

was just something proved impossible with a crowd effort in 1994,

a Windows thing. What about the second clue?

From the movie WarGames,

the WOPR is the computer

which simulates global thermonuclear war,

and that guys who plays Simba in the Lion King is like,

I can't remember...

But the only winning move is not to play - that's the point.

As we can say about Only Connect. The only way to win is not to play,

it's the computer in WarGames.

Excellent, everyone's doing very well here.

The Bakers, at the end of round one,

have got three points.

The Board Gamers have five.

On to Round Two, sequences,

what is the fourth in a very difficult sequence?

Bakers, you'll be going first.

What would you like?

Eye of Horus, please.

OK, you may see a maximum of three clues before telling me the answer.

Here is the first in a sequence.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Next, please.

Three seconds.

BELL

A camel.

And why would that be?

-Attempts to get through portals of different kinds.

-I see.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

So, Board Gamers, can you get

through the portal to bonus city?

Not wearing any clothes.

What? Not wearing any clothes?

Croesus was a famously rich dude

so presumably he wore lots of clothes to show he was very rich.

Benjamin Franklin dressed as a lady, I guess. He wrote as a lady.

Lazarus at the rich man's gate,

he was poor and that's why he died.

So poor people don't wear many clothes.

The last one is not wearing any clothes

-because that's what happens if...

-Oh, I see.

It's sort of ingenious

but I can't make it fit.

No, it is about Croesus

being a rich man.

Lazarus, of course,

the beggar at the gate.

Benjamin Franklin had an alter ego -

Poor Richard,

he wrote Poor Richard's Almanac.

Rich man, poor man, beggar man,

needed to hear "a thief".

Like Raffles. Someone like that.

Board Gamers, your question.

-Lion, of course.

-Lion, of course.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here is the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

Is that the most obvious answer?

Because the last one is always the most obvious answer in the sequence.

It's got to be 12.

-Shall we chill for bit?

-No.

-OK.

-Are you sure about 12? OK.

-Do it.

BELL

Oh, it's 12. We're on 12 seconds and that's also the answer.

We are on 12 seconds

and that is also the answer.

Very well done.

Each is a derivative

of the previous term.

I won't explain that

because I don't understand it

and you at home either do understand

and don't need it explained,

or don't understand it and are

quite happy and want to move on.

So, Bakers,

your turn to choose a question.

-Water, please.

-Water.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here is the first.

THEY CONFER

BELL

USA and Canada.

Wow, coming in after one clue,

I'm going to give you five points.

The answer is USA and Canada.

Why? Talk us through those clues.

They are the longest land borders

in the world from fourth to first.

That's absolutely what they are.

Very brave buzzing, you're rewarded with points.

Back to the Board Gamers.

Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Horned Viper.

-What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

Next.

-BELL

-Three seconds.

One conqueror.

I: Conqueror.

The answer is I: Conqueror.

There was a William VI,

the Sailor King.

They are nicknames

for successive Kings William.

VI, III, II. And William I

was known as the Conqueror. Very well done.

Bakers, one final choice,

this round.

-Two Reeds, please.

-OK. These are going to be picture clues.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Here is the first.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Next, please.

Three seconds.

BELL

A large hole.

-And why would that be?

-To represent pit.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Board Gamers,

your chance for a bonus point.

-A fanny pack or bum bag.

-No,

that's not it either.

If I tell you that the first picture

represents a gale,

so it goes gale, peel, king,

and the answer is

something representing Purdey,

do you know yet?

Honestly, none of you has seen The Avengers?

They are Steed's partners,

Cathy Gale, Emma Peel,

Tara King and Purdey,

wonderful Joanna Lumley with her Purdey haircut.

One question remains,

it's the Twisted Flax that's been left till last.

Board Gamers, it's for you.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here is the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

Next.

Three seconds.

BELL

So, something that describes a bed tipping up

or getting someone out of bed.

We are thinking of Wallace and Gromit, basically.

Not the answer, that is not

the sequence. Bakers?

Cut the grapefruit.

The answer is cut the grapefruit.

Indeed, cut and squeeze

the grapefruit. Why is that?

It's the Morecambe and Wise breakfast sketch.

It is, where Morecambe and Wise

make breakfast to the tune of

The Stripper, and what they do after

breaking and whisking the eggs

is chopping and squeezing the grapefruit. Very well done.

So quite a high-scoring final.

At the end of Round Two

the Bakers have got 9 points,

the Board Gamers have 10.

It's time for our last Connecting Walls of the series,

the first one's going to be thrown at you, Board Gamers.

You usually you choose the Lion.

Yep, go for the Lion one final time.

You're going to go for Lion.

You've got 2½ minutes to solve it, starting now.

-Three-pointer is a type of throw in basketball.

-Hail Mary

-and a three-pointer.

-Those are both throws.

-A six.

-And a lob.

-Oh, what? OK.

-That's got "angel" at the start.

-Angelus.

-Tintern Abbey?

-That is an abbey.

-Glastonbury has an abbey.

Battle Abbey probably, because Battle is a place.

Keep going.

-Angelus.

-It's all right. You press.

Melrose Place, is that Neighbours, I think?

-Yes.

-Is it?

-We don't... Are we choosing Garryowen?

-We're doing fine.

-Good call.

-Um, Patron is...?

-What does resquiescat mean?

Requiescat in pace is "rest in peace".

RIP. But it could be

the first words of...acronyms.

Sweetheart could be SWALK for...

No, that's "sealed with a loving kiss".

But I still like the first letters' acronyms.

-Are you saying that's RIP?

-Yes, that's the first letter of RIP.

-OK.

Angelus might be the first letter of...

That's got a "rose" at the end.

-Yes.

-TRON is a movie in Patron.

-TRON is very good movie.

-Gary, that's two names.

-That's true.

-That's a good point.

Mel and Rose is two names.

Pat and Ron.

Den and Mark.

Den and Mark.

Oh, OK. It's three lives.

So Sweetheart... Abbeys.

We've got abbeys in here somewhere.

We think Battle, Glastonbury,

-Angelus.

-What about Tintern?

Tintern is deffo an abbey. It's in Wales.

Sweetheart.

Collect is part of a church service, as is grace.

Could resquiescat be part of a...

-The Angelus is definitely part of a church.

-Sweetheart Abbey?

Let's try this one, cos if... We've got them.

You've solved the Wall!

-Have you ever solved the Wall before?

-No.

That's amazing! Your best Wall result ever at the final.

Mind you, do you know any of the connections?

Let's go through them:

Three-pointer, Six, Hail Mary, Lob.

These are terms...

-I'm not letting you explain the sport questions.

-What?!

These are terms from various sports,

so a three-pointer is sort of

the maximum point you can get in a...

Well, not necessarily.

Six in cricket is hitting it straight out of the stadium

and a Hail Mary pass in American football...

Is one you don't expect to complete but goes very well.

-A lob is a tennis-y thing.

-Yes, going over someone.

They have something more in common that I need to hear.

Are they the longest in that sport?

Would that make sense?

They are high trajectory throws and kicks.

They're all about kicking or throwing the ball as far as you can.

-Shall we all move on to the next group?

-Let's.

-Yeah.

Denmark, Patron, Melrose, Garryowen.

Is it two names put together, so Den and Mark.

I think it should be Par and Tron,

because of the movie TRON.

But it's not, it's Pat and Ron.

It's Mel and Rose, it's Garry and Owen.

That's it, names squidged together.

The next one. Collect, Angelus, Grace, Requiescat.

We think these are parts of a church service.

Commonly known as?

-The Mass?

-Prayers, they're prayers. That's right.

Prayers count as parts of a church service, so that's right.

And the next one. Sweetheart,

Tintern, Battle,

Glastonbury.

Three of these are abbeys, so we're also hoping Sweetheart is an abbey.

Sweetheart is an abbey in Scotland, just south of Dumfries.

They are all abbeys.

So, in an amazing turnaround,

given your previous games,

you get four points for finding the groups,

four points for the connections,

those elusive two points for getting it all right.

A maximum of 10, very well done.

Could not be happier.

Time to bring back the Bakers

to see what they can do with the Connecting Wall.

16 new clues similarly jumbled up

that need sorting back into neat piles of four.

You will have the Water wall, Bakers, because Lion's been taken.

You have two and a half minutes to solve it,

starting now.

THEY CONFER

These are zones from the Crystal Maze.

Three lives now, remember.

Armistice Day is the 11th of the 11th.

Are there things that can have E or AE,

-like Medieval, Eon, Demon, and Encyclopedia.

-I like that.

And none of the others can.

Nigel Tufnel, Neil Armstrong,

Armistice Day, Cricket team.

11th hour, 11th day, 11 members,

Nigel Tufnel has had something to do with 11.

Supernatural creatures,

zones in the marvellous Crystal Maze,

they should bring it back.

-Extra possible As, and 11.

-Yep.

Let's see if that is right.

Look at that, you've solved the Wall.

-Have you ever solved the Wall before?

-We have not.

-All right.

Let's see if you can get all the connections, there's four points

for the groups you've found, the extras will come if you tell me

what connects Incubus, Bogey, Kelpie, Imp.

They're all supernatural creatures.

They are. There's something else I'm going to want to hear.

-Demonic, they're sort of evil.

-Evil.

Evil creatures, evil imaginary creatures - I hope imaginary.

Next group - Ocean, Aztec,

Industrial, Futuristic.

These are the zones from my second favourite TV quiz show,

-The Crystal Maze.

-You're a fan of The Crystal Maze?

-Of course.

They are absolutely zones in The Crystal maze.

And the next group - Neil Armstrong,

Armistice Day, Nigel Tufnell, Cricket team.

-11.

-11 is the link. What can you tell me about the clues?

Neil Armstrong was the commander on Apollo 11.

Armistice Day was the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.

A cricket team has 11 members.

and Nigel Tufnell has something to do with 11.

-Do you know who Nigel Tufnell is?

-Not off the top of my head.

He's in Spinal Tap, This Is Spinal Tap.

The volume goes up to 11!

He turns his amplifier up to 11.

And the last group. Eon, Demon,

Encyclopedia, Medieval.

These can be spelled with an extra A

that isn't shown in those spellings

and, usually, before one of the Es.

That's right, they can be spelled with the AE ligature,

and we've removed the As in this case. So what do you know?

You get four points for finding the groups,

you get four points for the connections, you get two bonus points for getting it all right,

it's a maximum of 10.

Have we made the Walls too easy for the final?

You've picked a very good time to get 10 points, well done.

Let's have a look at the scores going into the final round.

The Bakers have 19 points

and the Board Gamers have 20.

So this hotly contested final

is going to be decided by Missing Vowel.

If you think that means the Walls were too easy,

why not go to our website, where you can write your own,

and indeed play some. We'll see who's so clever!

But, teams, who are going to be the Only Connect champions this series?

We're about to find out. Fingers on buzzers.

I can tell you the first group are all British Isles.

-BELL

-Gamers?

-Alderney.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Bakers.

Gig.

I'm afraid that's not it, Board Gamers?

-Eigg?

-It is Eigg. Next clue.

-Bakers.

-South Uist.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Gamers?

-Isle of Wight.

-Correct.

Next category, X-rated parodies of famous films.

You're clearly not familiar with American Booty.

Next clue.

-BELL

-Gamers?

-Pulp Friction.

-That's it.

-BELL

-Gamers?

-Flesh Gordon.

-Indeed.

-BELL

-Bakers?

-Shaving Ryan's Privates.

I think we should move on to the next category.

It's UK postcode district and equivalent American state.

-BELL

-Gamers?

-Derby and Delaware.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Gamers?

-St Albans and Alabama.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Bakers?

Paisley and Pennsylvania.

Yes.

-BELL

-Gamers?

-Lancaster and Louisiana.

-Correct.

Well, well, it's the end of the quiz

and the end of the series.

And I can tell you

that after a brilliant run of quizzing,

finishing second with 21 points,

it's the Bakers.

But with 28 points, our winners and new Only Connect champions,

are the Board Gamers.

Very well done, excellent stuff. I'm delighted for you, Gamers.

This magnificent trophy is yours to take away.

So we have our winners, it's the end of the series -

what a special occasion.

I'm off to drink champagne into the small hours -

just cos it's a special occasion

I don't see why I should change my routine.

Goodbye.