Sport Relief: Scribblers v Terriers Only Connect

Hello and welcome to the Sport Relief special of Only Connect,

the show that's known as the Olympics of quizzing,

or at the very least a thorough dope test.

Some very special quizzers have come along to help us try

and raise money, all noted brainiacs from the field of public endeavour,

so let's sprint along and meet them.

Not that Only Connect does ever sprint, what with its asthma.

On my right, Charlie Brooker is a humorist, satirist, critic,

journalist, author, screenwriter, producer, presenter and broadcaster.

Is there nothing this man can't do?

Yes. Drive a car. Or pass a spider in a corridor.

Ed Smith, the former England cricketer turned sports writer

and commentator is so multi-talented

that he's certainly a hero to this show.

While at Cambridge he got a double first in history

and a simultaneous sporting blue.

Very much Only Connect's kind of guy, apart from the sporting blue.

And their captain,

retired from her previous post as a Radio 4 announcer

and newsreader, the honey-voiced writer Alice Arnold

now helps coach potential interviewers on the Today Programme.

She knows all about tough, stern and occasionally horrible questioning.

Oh, she thinks she does, the show's only just beginning.

All making a living by the pen rather than the sword,

they are the Scribblers.

Alice, you captained our Children In Need special,

it went to a nail-biting tie-break. Did you enjoy it?

I loved it.

And what I loved most about it was that Clare won because

it's going to make any journey in the future a whole lot more pleasant.

She can rub that in for the rest of her life

-and I'll let her enjoy that.

-It might change tonight.

Charlie, people assume you know absolutely everything in the world.

-Oh, dear.

-How are you against the clock?

Well, not great.

Everything's against the clock, really.

Life is finite, we're all going to die.

Sorry to bring that out at the start of the show.

But it's true.

Tonight you are facing on my left,

Val McDermid is an award-winning

and bestselling author who's explored the darker side

of human nature with novels

such as Wire In The Blood, The Torment Of Others,

Beneath The Bleeding and the chilling, My Granny Is A Pirate.

Joshua Levine is a writer and historian whose books

have tackled the pain and conflict of Northern Ireland.

The desperation of Dunkirk, the dark terror of the Blitz

and the unrelenting slaughter of the Somme,

the obvious next in the sequence is Only Connect.

And their captain,

such a national treasure that the British Museum

has applied for Lottery funding to keep her in the country, a writer,

broadcaster and former amateur jockey who when offered a

Connecting Wall, never refused the jump, Clare Balding.

Clare has a Tibetan Terrier. Val has a border terrier.

Josh has a cousin called Terry. They are the Terriers.

Clare, you're the face of horse racing...

That sounds like an insult, it isn't!

Do you think quizzing counts as a sport?

Oh, definitely. I think you have to concentrate extremely hard.

So a competitive edge, be alert, be fit

-and not be drunk, so yes, it is a sport.

-Excellent.

Val, I know you're a watcher of Only Connect at home.

Are you good at it when you watch it on the sofa?

Probably better on the sofa than I will be today.

For the benefit of my pub quiz team, I'm excellent at it.

That's the spirit. As Charlie says, we're all going to die.

We are trying to raise money for Sport Relief.

Money that you donate will go to help vulnerable people in the UK

and around the world. So please give something if you can.

If you are able to make a donation, please phone 03457 910 910.

Or go to the website bbc.co.uk/sportrelief

We're going to play Round One.

Was it the connection between four apparently random clues?

And the toss was won by the Terriers. So you'll be going first.

Please choose and Egyptian hieroglyph.

We would like Twisted Flax, please.

What's the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

It could be all sorts of things.

Next.

What do you get...?

Yeah, £10 exists in Monopoly,

but it's one of those things in

Community Chest.

Next.

This is your territory.

Is that the best you can get

or the lowest you can get?

Next.

-Is that third place?

-Second place.

BELL

Second place.

They are awarded for coming second.

You get £10 in Monopoly for second

prize in a beauty contest.

I'm interested, Clare, that you

didn't get it on clue three.

When you're presenting Crufts,

you're not paying attention to who comes second.

No. It's all about the winner.

-All about the top dog.

-I genuinely have never noticed.

That's awful, isn't it?

What the Reserve Best in Show is what we call it.

We don't' say second, it's the Reserve Best in Show.

I wonder who's going to be the Reserve Best in Show tonight.

Let's go over to the Scribblers to choose a question.

I'll have Horned Viper.

What's the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Next.

It's almost like miracles.

-Houdini or somebody.

-Next.

Next.

BELL

I don't know.

Magical things Houdini did.

Oh, no. That's close.

You were going in the right direction, but that's not it.

Terriers, do you know?

We think it's the test for a witch.

That's what it is. It is to do with magic.

It's ways of finding out if someone's a witch.

Terriers, you got a bonus point there.

Would you like your own question?

We would like Lion, please.

MUSIC NOTE

Ah, the music question.

What do these musical clues have in common? Here's the first.

It's a dangerous place if a wolf should come out of the forest.

Then what would you do?

Next.

# She wanted to test her husband

# She knew exactly what to do. #

Next.

# It was bought of the morn

# Of the day that he was born

# And was always his treasure and pride. #

BELL

We think the link is fairy tales.

I'm afraid it's not fairy tales.

So, Scribblers, I'm going to play you a bit of the last clue.

# Though you maybe far away

# We think of you. #

I think it's...

-That's...

-Grandma We Love you.

-So it's not babies.

-What's the connection?

Is it the name for a grandmother?

Babushka. Or babies, grandmothers...

Have another go.

Family.

Relations. Grandparents.

The answer is grandparents.

That's right for the point.

Very well done.

Your turn for your own question now, Scribblers. What's it to be?

I think we'll have Two Reeds.

These are going to be picture clues.

What do they have in common? Here's the first.

Next.

What's that?

Famous advert for Pears soap.

Next.

BELL

Bubbles.

The answer is bubbles.

You didn't need to see the last one.

Bubbles the chimp that would have been.

Yes, the famous Pears soap painting, that is called Bubbles.

And what the first clue?

For ever blowing bubbles, the West Ham fans song.

That is it. Very well done.

Coming in after three clues you get two points. It is bubbles.

Back to you Terriers to choose a question, please.

Water, please.

What do these clues have in common? Here's the first.

Next.

Is that a film or book?

I don't know.

Next.

Next.

-Three seconds.

-Clint Eastwood or something.

BELL

No. Scribblers.

Is it misplaced apostrophes?

It is misplaced apostrophes.

There shouldn't be on in that "it's".

Goodness me,

Val, have you just been using the spell check on the computer?

I'm ashamed of myself. I'm absolutely mortified.

-We were just thinking too...

-It was too obvious.

You keep asking these obvious questions, we're going to get one.

This could be the end of my publishing career.

-We all go down together, don't we?

-They'll fire me after this.

I just didn't imagine that was going to be...

Scribblers, you've got the bonus point there.

And you're going to get the last question of the round. Eye of Hours.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Next.

Next.

Are these things they've turned down?

Oh, could be.

BELL

Honours that have been turned down.

That is exactly what they are.

You didn't need to see Danny Boyle who turned down a knighthood

after the Olympics.

Those people turned down those honours.

Who's King Oliver?

Oliver Cromwell.

Who was offered the crown and said no.

Winston Churchill, Duke of London.

Do you know about this, Josh?

He was offered the Dukedom of London?

He was offered,

but he was advised by a cousin that he was suppose to turn it down.

And he very rarely said no to something as well

when people offered him things.

I'm quite surprised he turned that down.

He wanted to say yes apparently, but people around him said no.

When he had his mind set on something,

it took quite an argument to talk him out of it.

There must have been a reason for turning that down.

All honours that were turned down, very well done, Scribblers.

That means that at the end of Round One,

the Terriers have two points, the Scribblers have six.

Before we go on with Round Two, a bit of a reminder why we're here.

We're trying to raise money for the BBC appeal for Sport Relief.

If you'd like to make a donation please call 03457 910 910.

Or go to the website bbc.co.uk/sportrelief

It's time for Round Two, the sequences round.

This time I want to know what comes fourth in a sequence.

Terriers, you'll be going first again.

-Which question would you like?

-Twisted Flax.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Good luck.

Here's the first.

Calories.

Next.

Is it like something what you score in a game.

Super Mario, something like that.

Next.

Something's going to be 100.

BELL

Banana = 100.

I'm afraid that's not the right answer.

Scribblers, there's a chance of a bonus.

Cherries = 100.

The answer is answer is Cherries = 100.

-Well done.

-Charlie, don't you have a degree in Pac-Man or something?

No, I managed to fail a media studies degree by writing

a dissertation on video games and not checking that that was OK,

which it wasn't in 1936 when I did it.

And yet how useful here though.

Very good. So you get the bonus point and you get your own question.

-What's it to be?

-Water, please.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

Next.

Something to do with ages.

So maybe 21, 18, 17, 16, getting married.

BELL

We're going to say get married.

I'll accept it. We had purchase alcohol.

But I will take get married. It's things you can do at certain ages.

You can own a shotgun at 15. Buy a National Lottery ticket at 16.

Drive a car on a public highway at 17.

I wanted something you can do at 18.

We had purchase alcohol, but you can at that point get married.

I think get married with your parent's consent,

but without it you have to be 18.

You're over 17, Charlie, can you drive a car on a public highway?

Not legally, but I could give it a go.

Is that one of the rounds?

Well done, you got the point.

Terriers, your turn to choose a question.

Lion, please.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next.

Don't know.

I have no idea.

Next.

What's that?

Oh. One small step for man, one giant for mankind.

BELL Val.

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

That's it. All I wanted to hear was one small step for man.

Absolutely right. What's the sequence?

What they said when they went to the moon, when they landed on the moon.

That's it. It is Neil Armstrong's words from the moon.

Very well done.

Scribblers, back to you for a choice.

Horned Viper, please.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next.

Next.

Three seconds.

Your time's running out.

BELL

We think they're chapters...

I need to know what's fourth in the sequence though.

Oh, yes, that's right, you do.

No, I can't give you longer than that.

Terriers, do you want to have a go for a bonus point?

Something like, one, two, three, four, five.

No. Numbers.

I'll take, one, two, three, four, five.

We put counts, anything that might mean numbers.

And why?

-Genesis. Exodus. Leviticus.

-The fourth book of the Bible.

That's what it is.

Literal translations of the names of the books of the Bible. Well done.

-You a keen Bible reader, Val?

-Oh, yes.

-Take it to bed with me every night.

-Quite right.

Has some very imaginative ways to kill people.

Well, you kept the bonus point and it's your turn to choose a question.

Eye of Hours, please.

Eye of Horus. What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next.

First sports question I've had! But still... Next.

Oh, this is going back in order of when they were invented, I think.

Or is it number of people...

Number of balls involved.

What do you want to do?

-So, what would be fourth in the sequence?

-Golf...

Golf foursomes has two balls, doesn't it?

Golf foursomes has two balls. So something with four balls.

-Croquet. Has croquet got four balls?

-I don't know. I'm not posh!

-Juggling.

-Croquet does have four balls, I can except your answer.

We went with Quidditch but something with four balls.

Cricket is a ball played with one ball, golf foursomes two, English

billiards three and four balls in play in Quidditch or croquet.

So, well done. Scribblers, your turn to choose.

The choice has been made for you.

-It's Two Reeds.

-These are going to be picture clues.

Oh, I love this question!

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Here's the first.

Next.

Who is that, is that an actress?

-No K. Keira Knightley or something.

-Next.

-Who's that?

-Judith...

Gloria Hunniford.

THEY QUIETLY CONFER

Three seconds.

No, the time is up. Terriers, can you do it?

-Can I just say, Val got this after the first picture.

-Really?!

-Yes.

It would be something on a calendar representing the first

-day of the working week. A Monday.

-Absolutely.

We went with the Mappa Mundi.

But can you explain to the other team why that is?

The first one is someone being sick minus the K so that's sic.

Then it's a transit van so it's sic transit gloria mundi.

Sic transit gloria mundi - the famous Latin phrase

"thus passes away the glory of the world."

Excellent stuff.

That means at the end of round two,

the Terriers have eight points, the Scribblers have nine.

Time for the Connecting Wall now

and the Scribblers will be going first this time.

Scribblers, you have a choice, Lion or Water.

I think we will take Lion, please.

Lion, 2.5 minutes to solve this wall starting now.

Star Wars, Alien. Ironman.

-These are films.

-Species.

-Are they films?

-Yeah, these are sci-fi films.

-OK.

Genus... Family...

-New Model Army, New Seekers.

-Yes!

New Model Army, New Seekers, New Order.

Three strikes and you're out. Choose carefully.

I think Genus and Baby Boomer

are Trivial Pursuit editions.

Good thinking.

I think.

And RPM is probably Music.

And then what would the last lot be?

Kingdom, Lander, Jeeves and Wilde.

These are all...

I know it. It's Stephen Fry.

He's played...

So RPM is the other thing.

You've solved the wall with loads of time to spare.

You get four points and will get more if you tell me the connections.

Species, Alien, Iron Man, Star Wars.

-They are all sci-fi films.

-Sci-fi film series.

Model Army, Edition, Order, Seekers.

They all have new in front of them.

-New Model Army, New Addition, New Order, New Seekers.

-That's right.

When you put new in front of them they become...

-Pop groups.

-Absolutely. Baby Boomer, RPM, Genus, Family.

-They are all editions of Trivial Pursuit.

-Yes, they are.

-And the RPM is...

-Music.

A music one. Quite right. And the last one.

Kingdom, Lander, Jeeves, Wilde.

They've all been portrayed by Stephen Fry.

They are all parts taken on television by Stephen Fry.

Very well done.

Four points for the groups, and the connections.

You get a bonus for getting it all right. That's a maximum of ten.

Time to bring back the Terriers and give them a connecting wall.

I hope what ever they think of it they will be tenacious.

You're getting the Water wall, Terriers,

because Lion has been taken.

You have 2.5 minutes to solve it starting now.

Ships. Mary Rose, Victory, Cutty Sark.

Victory might be...

Belfast, possibly.

Ships in the Thames...

Leave out Victory, maybe.

Navy ships. Mary Rose, Victory, Belfast.

We did Great Britain before.

We haven't done it with Cutty Sark.

Are you sure we did it with...?

We've got David Bowie...

-Heroes, Aladdin Sane, Diamond Dogs and Celebrations.

-No.

-All Gold.

-Was that him?

-Definitely that, that.

-Diamond Dogs.

That was a single? No.

-Lodger.

-Was that?

-Who knows?

-No.

That, that, that and Diamond Dogs.

Try ships again. HMS Belfast, HMS Victory.

Cutty Sark was...

Neither was Great Britain or Mary Rose.

It was SS Great Britain. Chocolate boxes.

All Gold, Roses, Quality Street And Celebrations. Heroes is one.

Quality Street, Roses, Celebrations.

No, go that one, that one, that one and that one. No.

Let's go back to Bowie.

We've got JM Barrie, Mary Rose,

Admiral Crichton, Peter Pan and...

Lodger?

I think Lodger is a Bowie, is it? Aladdin Sane. Heroes.

Mary Rose, Admiral Crichton, Peter Pan... Tonight?

Keep going with that. Heroes...

OK now!

Heroes, Aladdin Sane, Diamond Dogs...

Heroes, Roses, All Gold, Celebrations!

-Well done!

-Wow, with seconds to spare you've solved the wall.

Four points. What about the connections?

Belfast, Victory, Great Britain, Cutty Sark.

They are old ships you can go around, they are restored,

tourist attraction ships.

That's exactly what they are. History ships that are now museums.

Mary Rose, Quality Street, The Admiral Crichton, Peter Pan.

-Works by JM Barrie.

-They are plays by JM Barrie.

-Heroes, Roses, Celebrations, All Gold.

-Chocolates!

Lovely boxes of chocolates and the last group, Aladdin Sane,

-Diamond Dogs, Tonight, Lodger.

-ALL: David Bowie albums.

They are all albums by David Bowie.

So, hair-raising against the clock.

Well done. Val just took over! This, this and stop.

You get four points for the groups, four for the connections

a bonus for getting it all right, that's the maximum of ten.

Let's have a look at the scores.

The Terriers have 18 points, the Scribblers have 19.

Nothing has changed about my appearance!

And yet something is really uncomfortable.

If you go to our website you will find a special

Sport Relief wall to play

and please do make a donation if you possibly can.

Every penny goes towards helping to transform the unimaginably

tough lives of people in the UK and around the world.

Speaking of unimaginably tough, it's the missing vowels round.

Teams, we've taken the vowels out of well-known names,

phrases or sayings, we've squidged up the consonants

and I want to know what are the hidden clues? Fingers on buzzers, teams.

The first group are all buried at Pere Lachaise cemetery.

-Jim Morrison.

-Correct.

-Edith Piaf.

-Yes, it is.

Oh, no. You lose a point.

Terriers, do you know? Too long.

It's Gertrude Stein. Next clue.

Oscar Wilde. Correct.

Next category works by Agatha Christie.

-Lord Edgware Dies.

-Correct.

One, Two, Buckle My Shoe.

Yes, it is.

You don't remember

Ordeal By Innocence. Next clue.

-Murders...

-No. You lose a point.

-Terriers?

-A Murder Is Announced.

Next category, similes that contain food.

-Cool As A Cucumber.

-Correct.

-Keen As Mustard.

-That's right.

This tricky one is Easy As Pie.

Next clue.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

That one was Flat As A Pancake.

But after a very impressive round four for you, Val,

I can tell you that at the end of the quiz,

Reserve Best In Show with 18 points are the Scribblers.

But Top Dogs with 25, it's the Terriers.

Very well done. Well done all of you for great quizzing.

Well done for coming along and giving your time to

Sport Relief, thank you so much.

Please do make a donation

if you can possibly afford to in these straitened times

but now as the Sport Relief special makes a final victory

lap of the stadium draped in the Union Jack, quizzers will

immediately infer the stadium must be at sea or I'd have said Union flag.

Metaphorically at sea or literally, an Atlantis of sport where foot,

fin and synapse are as one,

where we play basketball with the octopus

and do crosswords with dolphins - an impossible dream?

They said that about spreadable butter. Goodbye!