Europhiles v Software Engineers Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect, the toughest series of questions

anyone has ever had to face that hasn't resulted

in an academic qualification or a jail sentence.

Joining me, to not get a PhD or go to prison -

not tonight, anyway, I can't answer for the future - are, on my right,

Douglas Thomson, a science fiction fan,

who speaks Anglo-Saxon and flirtatious French,

and once received a massage from a Lord.

Khuram Rashid,

an enthusiastic guitar and violin player,

who once got lifted off his feet during a blizzard in Copenhagen,

and their captain,

Mark Seager, an accomplished linguist,

who was once mistaken for a member of the Pet Shop Boys

by a group of Japanese tourists. United by a yearning

for Europe, they are...

Welcome to the semifinals, Mark. How have you been preparing?

We have been trying to learn all of the remaining facts, ever.

And we have just found there have been far more than we were expecting.

You are facing today, on my left, Steven McIntosh,

a music fan, with an interest in German board games,

who fell off the Only Connect set during his first heat.

Anne Harrison, a Cambridge graduate, who was involved

in a car crash on top of Mount St Helens,

and bumped into Norman Wisdom on a ferry.

Their captain

is Chris Howlett, a keen amateur dramatist,

who has sung a choral work atop the highest peak of Maui.

United by a passion

for programming, they are...

-Lovely to see you back here, Chris.

-Thank you.

How has your Only Connect experience been?

We have had a great time. Really pleased to have got this far,

so we are just going to sit back, relax and enjoy the game.

That's the spirit. I thought we would start with Round One.

What is the connection between the four clues?

Europhiles, you won the toss, so you will be going first.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

What is the connection between these apparently random picture clues?

Here is the first...

Less than G.

Next.

K. That seems a bit... That's Denmark.

Take another?

Oh! Erm, is it weights and measures?

Oh, yeah.

What is the exact connection? It is not a sequence.

Next.

That is Bangladesh. Shall we just say flags?

BELL

It's the last letter of the country that the flag belongs to.

You know I'm not going to take that, don't you?

I'll show the fourth clue to the Engineers for a possible bonus.

I can't give you long.

No, you're not seeing it. This is what is so specific

about those letters. Those are the ONLY countries whose names end with

those letters. Luxembourg is the only one ending in G,

Denmark, the only one in K, Bangladesh in H

and Iraq, the only country that ends in a Q. No points, there.

-Engineers, your turn to choose.

-Lion, please.

Lion.

MUSICAL JINGLE

The music question. You seem delighted(!)

What is the connection between the clues you are going to hear?

Here is the first...

INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS

-Do you know what it's called?

-Next.

# Sorry to disturb you... #

That is Carrie Doesn't Live Here Any More by Cliff Richard.

# But I was in the neighbourhood... #

Next.

# I'm the trouble starter... #

-Firestarter, by Jamiroquai.

-The Prodigy.

-Prodigy, sorry.

Wasn't she a fire-starter in Carrie?

THEY CONFER

Next.

# I'm the kind of guy

# Who never used... #

BELL

-Prodigies.

-Not the answer, I'm afraid.

-Your bonus chance, Europhiles.

-Have they been restricted or banned

-by the BBC?

-They have not.

I don't think Cliff Richard's Carrie is really going to get banned

by the BBC. He's not hugely controversial, Cliff Richard.

Carrie, Firestarter, by The Prodigy, that last one, I was smiling,

that was a Kenny Lynch cover of a Beatles song, Misery.

And the first one was Insomnia, by Faithless. Have you got it now?

-Stephen King.

-Stephen King. The songs share their titles

with those of Stephen King novels. Europhiles, your turn to choose.

-Eye of Horus, please.

-What is the connection between these clues?

Here is the first.

Bandwidth relative to frequency.

THEY CONFER

-What is the measurement?

-Frequency.

-What is the measurement?

-Like, frequency's hertz.

-I don't know.

Next.

-Godzilla?

-Are they all...?

Next one? Next.

Next.

That's Quincy Jones.

-Three seconds.

-Erm...

BELL

Erm...

-Jones.

-Not the answer, I'm afraid. Engineers, want to go for a bonus?

-GZ.

-No. I am looking for letters, but what I want is the letter Q.

Bandwidth relative to frequency is the letter Q.

Quality factor, it is short for. The giant lizard over

New York - not Godzilla, but an incarnation of Quetzalcoatl,

in that terrifying film, Q - The Winged Serpent.

Knowing that, I think you were aware

that Quincy Jones was the producer of Thriller.

Who might have been the first editor of the Oxford Book of English Verse?

Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch. Software Engineers, your turn.

-Horned Viper.

-Horned Viper. What is the connection

between these apparently random clues?

Here is the first...

I don't know.

THEY CONFER

Next.

Klondike?

-Do we want to go on?

-Yes.

-Next.

Klondike, I think.

Do you want me to take a punt or try for the last clue?

-See the last clue.

-Next.

Old Maid. Old Maid... I think.

BUZZER

Old Maid.

How dare you?!

Oh, sorry, that was your answer? No, not it, I'm afraid.

-Europhiles, do you want to go for a bonus?

-Persuader.

Not the answer, either. Three Blind Mice.

Three Blind Mice is the Christie radio play, that was then published

as a short story. It's a version of patience.

The opening credits of Dr No, the three, apparently-blind assassins.

Of course, they are not blind, at all, and the nursery rhyme.

Europhiles, you have your own question now. Which is it to be?

-Twisted flax, please.

-Twisted flax. What is the connection between

these clues? Here is the first...

-Thompson Twins!

-Next.

Kingston. What is the capital of St Vincent?

-I don't know. What is Jamaica?

-Kingston.

-Oh, yeah.

Erm...next.

Oh, it's with an extra bit from each letter.

BUZZER

Their names are all the... The name of the second one, in each case,

is the name of the first one, plus one extra letter inserted into it.

At last, some points coming in, after three clues.

You are going to get two points. You add one letter to get

the second thing, in each case. Can you talk me through the clues?

the detectives in The Adventures of Tintin are Thomson and Thompson.

The capitals of Jamaica are Kingston,

-and we're not sure what the capital of St Vincent is.

-Have a guess.

-Kingston.

-Kingstone.

-It's Kingstown. Kingstown.

-The Greek letters

-are pi and psi.

-Pi and psi.

-Psi.

And what about these elements?

-Erm...

-Erbium and terbium,

that's what they are. All involve adding one letter to get the next.

Very well done to you. OK, Software Engineers, your chance to get points

before the end of the round. The Water question is yours.

What connects these clues? Here is the first...

He hit the golf ball. It had Alan Shepard on it.

OK. Next.

I have no idea what that is.

THEY CONFER

Next.

That was... Was that the Shakespearian joke?

-It must have lasted a certain time.

-Apollo 14, what was it called?

Next.

BUZZER

-They all lasted nine days.

-You are not going to finish the round

without a point. They all lasted nine days.

Thomas Kemp, the actor, apparently spent nine days Morris dancing,

-from London to Norwich, after an argument with Shakespeare.

-Yep.

It's a brilliant response to an argument. I tend to break things.

Morris dancing to Norwich

is definitely what I'm going to do next.

But that's it, you get the point. All lasted nine days.

That's the end of Round One and the Europhiles have two points,

the Software Engineers have one.

On to Round Two, the sequences round.

Europhiles, you'll be going first again.

Which hieroglyph would you like?

Twisted Flax, please.

OK, this time, of course,

I want to know what is the fourth in a sequence.

You're going to see some picture clues. Here's the first.

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

Next.

It's Zola Budd, isn't it?

Next.

That's the Cerne Abbas Giant.

Right, OK...

Seeing any connection here?

Khuram says that first one's Jesus...

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

Jesus, Zola...

-I'm not seeing anything.

-Three seconds.

BELL

Supergiant star.

Not the answer. Software Engineers,

you've got a bonus chance.

All the saints.

No, it wouldn't be all the saints.

That athlete is Ann Packer.

So if you think saint, Packer, giant,

does that do anything for you?

-No?

-They're NFL teams.

Winners of the Super Bowl.

And the next winners after the Giants, the Ravens.

So we've got a picture of that chap from the children's TV series Raven.

I grew up next door to Ann Packer

and I'm astonished that I didn't recognise her.

-Did you really?

-Yes.

That's amazing, cos I did think,

"I'm not sure these young teams will recognise Ann Packer",

but I wasn't thinking she'd live next door.

Ann Packer, your old neighbour.

It'd almost have been unfair,

if you'd got the point.

Software Engineers,

back to you to choose a question.

Eye of Horus, please.

Eye of Horus. What would be the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

Is it going to be Ceiling?

Could it be Floor again?

I don't know, shall we take a next?

Next.

Roof, maybe?

-Do you want to try Ceiling?

-Got to try something.

BELL

Ceiling.

Not the answer, I'm afraid, so Europhiles,

another bonus chance emerges.

Roof.

Roof, not the answer either.

These are layers in a rainforest.

We're going upwards

and above the canopy,

you get the emergent layer,

the trees that are coming up

through the canopy.

Europhiles, your chance to choose.

-Horned Viper, please.

-Horned Viper.

What would the next one be in this sequence?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

Next.

That was the early '90s.

That's rugby.

Next.

Oh, so it was when they took over from someone,

rather than being officially appointed.

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

Three seconds.

BELL

George HW Bush.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Software Engineers, do you want to have a go for a bonus point?

We're completely blank.

I told the question editor

if anybody got this I'd give him £12.

Only 12?

Tony Blair as PM, years 1-3,

that would be '97-'99.

Will Carling as England captain, years 1-4,

that would be '88-'91.

John Major as PM, '90-'93,

can you see what I'm getting at?

'93-'95?

-Not quite. Do you know what it is over there?

-'90-'92?

It's '92-'95, but what is it?

It's the FM frequencies of BBC Radio 1-4.

That is it -

Radio 1, Radio 2, Radio 3,

and we want to know something

that shares its numbers

with the frequency for Radio 4, 92-95,

for example, the Premier League,

years 1-4.

OK, Software Engineers, what would you like?

-Lion, please.

-Lion. What would be the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

Is that what you can make in the coinage bags?

As in, if you...

5p and 10p, you can give a...

5p and 10p's £1.

20p and 50p is how much you can give for £1s and £2s.

10 or 20.

-£20?

-I think we need to get another one.

Next, please.

-Yes.

-Yes.

You think £1 and £2 is £20?

I think it might be more than £20.

BELL

£1 and £2 equals £20.

Not the answer, I'm afraid,

so I'm going to show the third in a sequence to the Europhiles.

20.

No, that's what they said.

-I need an answer.

-£1 and £2 equals £50.

Not the answer either.

What did you think the connection was?

I think it's the amounts you are allowed to pay

in to a bank in a coinage bag.

Sort of, almost yes.

It's the amount with which

you're allowed to pay a debt

for it to be legal tender,

but once you get to £1 and £2,

the answer is unlimited.

But when you're using

1p and 2p coins,

if you try and pay a debt of more than 20p,

the person is allowed to say no,

cos it's not legal tender.

All right, Europhiles, last choice of the round.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Oh, lord, good luck.

Here's the first.

Next.

-Is that "God" in Spanish?

-No, it's not.

-That's "women".

Yeah, yeah.

God, women...

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

-Do you want to see the next one?

-Yes.

Next.

God, women, men.

God, women, men.

Oh, yeah.

Three seconds.

BELL

Angels, in English.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Engineers, do you want to go for a bonus point?

It's a word for men that's seven letters long in a foreign language,

but I'm blanking on one.

Right, there is a quote

from the Holy Roman Emperor, Charles V, which is,

"I speak Spanish to God,

"Italian to women,

"French to men

"and German to my horse."

So I wanted to hear, of course, "Mein Pferd",

the German for "My Horse".

Horrible. Welcome to the semifinal.

OK, Software Engineers, you'll all be relieved to hear

there's only one question left.

Let's get through it as best we can.

It's the water question.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Order of operations?

Or Austin Powers?

Next.

Oh, powers, principalities...

It's the...

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

Do you think it's angels?

Might as well have a punt at it.

-I think we'll take next first.

-OK.

Next, please.

Angels, archangels, principalities... Yes, I think...

BELL

Angels.

Once again, at the last minute in the round,

you come in for the points.

The answer is angels.

Quite amazingly,

Europhiles, on the last question,

you guessed angels in English

might be the answer and it wasn't,

but it is now.

Absolutely bizarre.

Yes, this is the hierarchy of angels

going backwards,

so angel is your sort of entry-level angel.

Very well done.

So at the end of Round Two,

the Europhiles have two points,

the Software Engineers have three.

I know what you're thinking - this episode is just too easy.

The teams are scoring too highly, it's silly.

How can we make it more difficult?

With a Connecting Wall.

OK, Software Engineers, it's your turn to go first.

Would you like Lion or Water?

Lion, please.

OK, you've got two and a half minutes

to solve this horrible Lion wall.

Good luck with it.

Your time starts now.

THEY TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER

there must be another one, cos Roger's far too clear.

Characters in the Mikado?

No, not Pan-pan, not that I know of, anyway.

Fixer, Wetting, this is from photography, is it not?

-Stop bath.

-Fogging.

Fogging, yes.

"Don't talk", is any of these "don't talk", or is...?

Alf and Paul are both aliens.

Ming is, Ming the Merciless.

The Mule is also from... BUZZ

He's from...

BUZZ

BUZZ

BUZZ

BUZZ

-Five by five...

-BUZZ

I think Five by five is radio. BUZZ

I'm going to try No Parlez.

-Muffin the Mule...

-BUZZ

No, that's long gone.

BUZZ

-Ming?

-Potentially, or possibly Paul. BUZZ

-Could Pan-pan be an alien?

-BUZZ

It's ringing a terrible bell as to what Pan-pan is and I can't think.

BUZZ

I think The Mule is going to be from the aliens,

because of...

BUZZ

BUZZ

You've got a minute left.

BUZZ

BUZZ

Is there anything we can do with surnames, with Alf, Roger or Paul

and then something else like Alf Campbell, Roger Campbell, Paul...

Oh, Ming Campbell isn't spelt like that, that's embarrassing.

What would be left after we've taken out aliens and radio terminology?

Oh, cos Pan-pan is radio, isn't it?

Is it? Oh, you might be right.

You may be right. Let's stick that in.

Yes, excellent.

Three strikes and you're out now.

You've got about 20 seconds.

Try three combinations of aliens.

I can't identify what the other link is.

BUZZ

Ten seconds now.

Whatever. Just try three different things.

-That one.

-No, that's it.

You've used your three strikes and the wall has frozen,

but well done, you've got some points for finding two groups.

You can get more points for the connections.

Fogging, Fixer, Stop bath, Wetting agent.

They are all terms for photographic development.

They absolutely are.

What about the next one? Five by five, Negative, Pan-pan, Wilco.

Are all things said on radio transmission, radio communications.

That's it, they're voice procedures.

You can also get points for the connections

in the groups you didn't find, so let's resolve the wall.

Alf, Shaky, No Parlez, Zenyatta Mondatta.

I've no idea.

That's not giving anything for me.

I can see you've got nothing. They are number-one albums of the 1980s.

And the last group - Roger, The Mule, Ming and Paul.

Are they all alien baddies?

I'll take aliens, extraterrestrials.

"Fictional aliens", it says in my notes.

Not like all those real ones(!)

Yeah, it's not one of the real alien kings.

OK, so two points for the groups that you found

and three more points for the connections.

That's a total of five.

The Software Engineers will now be ushered out by a cloaked figure

and the Europhiles will be ushered in to face a new connecting wall.

16 fresh clues, still needs sorting in the same way.

It's the Water wall for you, Europhiles. Good luck with it.

You have two and a half minutes, starting...

now.

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

BUZZ

BUZZ

Delphi...

That was a place in ancient Greece.

BUZZ

Oh, hang on.

That's a theatre,

but with a letter missing.

Oh, I see, right, yes.

Adelphi.

BUZZ

Right, OK.

Go back to those curves...

Malleus could be one.

That's in the ear as well.

What's a Tractrix?

BUZZ Nope.

THEY CONFER QUIETLY

Epi's usually a prefix for skin.

Could be like the outside.

BUZZ

BUZZ

BUZZ

You've got a minute left.

The Witch of Agnesi,

that's the only one that shows a person.

BUZZ

BUZZ

Cochlea can only be the ear, I'm sure.

30 seconds now.

THEY CONTINUE TO CONFER

BUZZ

BUZZ

BUZZ

Anything else?

BUZZ

BUZZ

BUZZ

Oh, that's it, you're time's up and the wall's frozen.

OK, but you get a point for the group you found

and if you can tell me what connects them, I'll give you another point.

Alladium, Pollo, Delphi, Lobe.

They're all London theatres with the first letter missing.

Very well spotted.

You add a letter to get Palladium, Apollo, Adelphi and Globe.

You can also, of course, get points for the connections

in the groups you didn't find, so let's resolve the wall.

Dodona, Epidaurus, Didyma, Abae.

People from ancient Greek mythology, but beyond that, we're stuck.

They're not, they're the sites of oracles.

They're places where you would find an oracle.

The next group - Organ of Corti, Helix, Malleus, Cochlea.

They're parts of the ear.

Those are the parts of the ear.

And the last group -

Parabola, Tractrix, Witch of Agnesi, Hippopede.

The last one, I think, is "horse-foot".

-OK.

-But what's that?

I need you to give an answer.

They're all arcs, curves.

They are mathematical curves.

So a point for the group you found

and three more points for the connections.

That's a total of four points.

Let's have a look at the scores.

If our teams feel like hitting something with a hammer,

they can go to our website, where they'll find

lots of connecting walls and they can even submit their own,

but first they're going to have to play Round Four -

that's where we'll decide the place in the final, by missing vowel.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

I can tell you that the first group are all things served cold.

-BELL

-Europhiles.

-Gazpacho.

-Correct.

More familiar to me, perhaps.

American beer. Next clue.

-BELL

-Europhiles?

-Revenge.

-That's right.

Don't know this one? It's ice cream.

Next category...

-BELL

-Europhiles?

"The past is a foreign country."

Correct.

No? From Anna Karenina -

"Happy families are all alike."

Next clue.

-BELL

-Engineers?

"It was the day my grandma..."

I'm afraid you must lose a point.

Europhiles, do you know it?

No, too long. From The Crow Road.

"It was the day my grandmother exploded."

Next clue.

-BELL

-Europhiles?

-"Call me Ishmael."

-From Moby Dick.

Next category, members of the family Mustelidae, weasels.

-BELL

-Europhiles?

-Wolverine.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Engineers?

-Honey badger.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Engineers?

-No, sorry.

-You lose a point.

Do you know it, Europhiles?

Too long, it's sea otter. Next clue.

END-OF-GAME JINGLE

But you don't have time to give me the answer,

which would have been ermine,

because that bell means the end of the quiz

and draping themselves in ermine, our new finalists with 11 points,

it's the Europhiles.

And in honourable second place with seven,

it's the Software Engineers.

Sorry to see you go, Engineers. You've been a great team.

You've quizzed really well. Thank you very much for playing.

-Thank you.

-And congratulations to you, Europhiles.

We'll be seeing you in the final.

-Thank you.

-Very well done.

So please join me next week for that final of Only Connect.

There'll be a live audience of millions

watching the football on the other side,

but we'll be here as usual, so do bear us in mind.

Goodbye.