The Final Only Connect

Hello and welcome to the final of Only Connect.

Like a massive 13 course banquet,

another series comes to an end with a feeling of exhaustion,

satisfaction and me belching quietly in a corner.

Can our sated quizzers stuff down one more round of petits fours,

or will they find the truffles and brandy snaps of connectivity

as nauseating as an overextended metaphor?

LAUGHTER

Let's meet our finalists.

On my right, Douglas Thompson,

an English graduate who once broke his arm for the second time

by demonstrating how he broke it the first time.

Khuram Rashid,

a technology officer with a passion for the Victoria tube line,

who spent three years dying his hair every colour of the rainbow.

And their team captain, Mark Seager,

an award-winning pool player

who once got stuck in a lift for half an hour.

United by a love of the continent

and a fear of the incontinent,

they are the Europhiles.

Welcome to the final, Mark.

How are you feeling about tonight's game?

We're feeling quite confident,

because we've been able to survive some very nasty rounds

in the past and we're due, by the law of averages,

to be able to get a question right

at some point.

-That's all you can ask.

-Yeah.

In this final, you will be facing,

On my left, Hamish Galloway,

a cricket fan and maths graduate who is an enthusiastic member

of the Institute and Faculty of Actuaries.

Nick Latham, a lighting director

whose greatest ambition is to

complete the Monopoly pub crawl in London.

He tried it once, got as far as Trafalgar Square

and was too incapacitated to go further.

As their captain, Davina Galloway,

a Scrabble enthusiast who loves The Wombles,

music quizzes and her team-mates.

United by their family tree,

they are the Relatives.

Congratulations on reaching the final.

How do you think the family relationships

will hold up under the strain?

Well, we're a no blame culture

unless they get a question wrong.

I believe we've got a bit of

an Only Connect first here,

because these two teams already met in your first heat.

Do you have fond memories of that game?

Yes. No.

LAUGHTER

As I remember it, one of these two teams won the first heat

and I'm assuming one of the teams will win it again. But which?

We won't find out unless we play the quiz.

So, let's kick on with Round One.

What is the connection between

four apparently random clues?

Relatives, you won the toss,

but you've decided to put the Europhiles in first.

So, Mark, please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

Twisted Flax, please.

OK, the first question of the final will be the Twisted Flax.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Principalities.

-Small countries.

-Yeah. Next.

Stoccarda. Do you know what that is?

No, it sounds like a music term, though.

You might be thinking of staccato.

But it could be another one. Next.

Colonia. That sounds like... Is that fiction?

It sounds like a fiction.

-I don't know.

-Next.

Berlino.

Are they, like...

Are they...

Oh, Colonia...

Three seconds.

BELL

Are these Spanish names

for residents of various cities?

They are not Spanish names for residents.

So, Relatives, you've got the chance of a bonus point.

I was going for them being Roman provinces or names

given by the Romans to peoples outside the Roman Empire.

That's not it either.

You were thrashing around in the

right direction, Europhiles,

and you've edged a bit closer.

If you were a team of six, you'd be nearly there,

if I gave you another go.

They're Italian names

for German cities.

Monaco is the trick.

It's not Monaco,

it's the Italian word for Munich.

Stoccarda is Stuttgart,

Colonia Cologne, of course,

and Berlino Berlin.

OK, Relatives, your turn to choose a question.

Eye of Horus, please.

The Eye of Horus. What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

-Take another one.

-Next, please.

Moroccan seaport. Town.

No, don't know.

-The Rabat.

-Go next.

-Say next.

Next, please.

Is it types of fruit?

Jaffa, maybe.

Chinese civil servant is mandarin...

Do you want to go for that?

SHE SPEAKS INAUDIBLY

I'd go for it now.

BELL

We think they're types of fruit.

Like a mandarin, Jaffa oranges.

I'll accept it. They gave their names to different types of fruit.

Citrus fruit, in fact. It's even more specific than that.

Last one would have been Clement Rodier,

who devised the clementine.

He worked in an orphanage

and sort of created the clementine

using trees in the garden.

So, well done, you get two points.

Europhiles, your chance to choose a question.

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

What's the connection between

these picture clues?

Here's the first.

It's the Dalai Lama and...

-That's Mahatma Gandhi.

-Oh, yes!

Sorry! Is that oil? Next.

-OK, that's...

-Is that Vera Duckworth?

Yes. What's that on the left?

It's a veranda or something.

Oh, Vera, veranda.

Oh, so that's Gandhi...

That's ghi, isn't it? Next.

That's a cocktail and a coat-tail?

Oh, a coconut!

-They begin with the same three letters?

-Yes.

BELL

Each pair of pictures begins with

the same three letters.

Each pair of pictures does NOT begin with the same three letters,

so I'll show the fourth clue to

the Relatives for a possible bonus point.

Times of the day.

Absolutely not times of the day.

I thought you were going to get this one, Europhiles.

You recognised the veranda, what about the lady next to it?

It's Vera.

Vera.

So, how do you get from veranda to Vera?

Ver-and-a.

You take out the word "and",

as you do to get from Gandhi to ghi,

from shandy to shy - a coconut shy -

and from panda to Pa Larkin.

OK, Relatives,

your turn to choose a question.

Two Reeds, please.

Two Reeds.

What's the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

I Puritani.

Next, please.

Children of the New Forest.

Is that The Borrowers?

I don't know.

OK, we'll take the next.

Next, please.

Is that a painting?

-Shall we go for the next?

-Go for the next.

-Next, please.

Witchfinder General.

That was MacArthur.

Which one did you know?

-Just...

-No, just...

BELL

We'll just go for paintings, please.

Not paintings, I'm afraid.

So there's a bonus chance for you now, Europhiles.

I think they're

historical paintings by Delacroix.

That's not it.

The children of the New Forest is actually a book.

These are all things connected with

the English Civil War.

I Puritani is an opera, Bellini opera, with a libretto

based on a French book about the Cavaliers and the Roundheads.

Children of the New Forest, a novel

set in the English Civil War.

And When Did You Last See Your Father?

That is a painting showing, I think,

the son of a Royalist being

questioned by a parliamentarian.

And the Witchfinder General?

Matthew Hopkins. Matthew Hopkins,

Witchfinder General.

So, your turn, Europhiles.

What would you like?

-Water, please.

-OK.

-NOTES PLAY

-Oh, it's the music question.

What connects these music clues?

Here's the first.

CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS

Do you know what that is?

-It's familiar.

-Religious music.

Could be Miserere or something.

OK. Next.

# When Lester took him a wife... #

Oh, is this Strange Fruit?

# Arm and arm went black and white... #

It sounds like Billie Holiday. Next.

# Gonna be some sweet sounds

# Coming down... #

I think this is Lionel Richie. I'm not sure. Next.

# Did you write the book of love... #

That's American Pie.

# Do you have faith in God above... #

Three seconds.

# If the Bible... #

No, that's it. Time is up.

So there's a bonus chance for you, Relatives.

We think they're songs

written about other people.

Tributes to other people.

Well, that's right.

Again, you could be more specific.

They were tributes songs to Marvin Gaye,

Nightshift by the Commodores.

That's it. They're tributes to dead people

who were also musicians.

So American Pie, that's Don McLean

singing about Buddy Holly.

Did you recognise the first piece?

No, unfortunately.

That is Josquin's elegy for Johannes Ockeghem.

What about the second one?

-We'll go onto the third one, if you like.

-What's the third one?

-Nightshift by the Commodores, which is about...

-Marvin Gaye.

Marvin Gaye and Jackie Wilson. That's it.

The second one was Goodbye Pork Pie Hat -

Joni Mitchell singing about Lester Young.

So you get the bonus point, Relatives,

and you get the last question,

which is the Horned Viper.

What's the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

The beast. It's got a number.

Next, please.

Small letters.

SHE SPEAKS INAUDIBLY

I don't know the number of the monk. Try next.

-Next, please.

-Why are they all small letters?

Don't know. The prose...

-I don't know that.

-No, try...

Next, please.

SHE SPEAKS INAUDIBLY

The beast, the monk, the prose and the passion.

I can only guess the Passion is of Christ, but...

BELL

-Do you want to?

-No, you...

To do with Christ.

They are NOT all to do with Christ.

Europhiles, you have the chance of a bonus point.

The name of.

No, that's not it either.

I must say, teams,

I'm disappointed you didn't get this.

I'm going to read you a quote.

We haven't heard this in full in nine series,

so let's have it now.

This is Margaret Schlegel in Howards End.

"Only connect, that was the whole of her sermon.

"Only connect the prose and the passion

"and both will be exalted

"and human love will be seen at its height.

"Live in fragments no longer.

"Only connect, and the beast and the monk,

"robbed of the isolation that is life to either, will die."

From which we take our name.

It is the things that

Margaret Schlegel dreams of connecting

in the EM Forster novel Howards End.

What?

LAUGHTER

So, at the end of Round One,

the Europhiles have yet to score,

the Relatives have three points.

On to Round Two, sequences.

This time, the teams must work out the connections and then tell me

what comes fourth in a sequence.

Europhiles will be going first this time.

Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

What will be fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

-Do you know what it is?

-No.

-Next.

English. Second...

HE SPEAKS INAUDIBLY

English, OK.

Not seeing anything. Next.

Japanese...

Oh, is it... Is that...

THEY SPEAK INAUDIBLY

Five seconds.

-Catalan?

-Basque.

BELL

Basque.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Another bonus chance for you, Relatives.

-Hamish?

-We'll go eg Kiwi. Or Maori.

No, I can't take those either.

I would have taken Arabic,

I would have taken Hebrew,

Yiddish, Persian, Syriac.

I'll tell you why.

It's to do with the direction in which these languages are written.

Imagine you're going round a clock face.

Hanuno'o, if that's how you say it,

is written bottom to top.

English left to right,

Japanese top to bottom.

So I want to hear something

that's written right to left -

backwards - for example, Arabic.

That's what I was looking for there.

Welcome to the final. Isn't it horrid?

OK, Relatives, your turn.

-Eye of Horus, please.

-Eye of Horus.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

THEY SPEAK INAUDIBLY

-Take the next.

-Take the next.

-Next, please.

-What's that? An L?

-Yeah, I don't know.

-Any idea?

-Nothing at all.

-Next, please.

-What have you got?

-I haven't got anything.

Medium or large?

Yeah, that's the only thing I'm going with.

-Small, medium and large.

-So XL?

I would say large X, small L.

Just go XL.

BELL

XL?

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

So a bonus chance for you now, Europhiles.

Is it a capital L?

It's not a capital L.

-Nobody here keen on physics?

-ALL: No.

These are quantum numbers,

going backwards towards

the principal quantum number,

which is represented by n.

Not entirely sure

what the sequence is,

but I'm reliably informed they're

getting more quantumy each time. So the most quantumy

of quantum numbers would be represented by an n.

OK, Europhiles, your turn to choose.

-OK, Water, please.

-Water.

What will be fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

THEY SPEAK INAUDIBLY

Next.

-Guiteau. You know what that is?

-No.

-No?

-It's somebody, but I can't remember who.

Next.

-Czolgoz.

-Oh, um...

Lethal assassins of US presidents.

-So it's...

-John Wilkes Booth?

-No, it's Oswald.

-Oswald? OK.

BELL

Oswald.

You're off the blocks at last.

The answer is Oswald.

And what's the reason?

It's assassins of US presidents

and Oswald killed Kennedy.

That's it. Presidential assassins

in chronological order. Well done.

Back to you, Relatives, for a choice.

Twisted Flax, please.

Twisted Flax.

These are going to be picture clues.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture?

Here's the first.

That's gold.

-Gold? Oh, yeah.

-In the thing, so...

Next, please.

They haven't given us...

A valley. Golden spear.

Is it from Jerusalem?

Next, please.

That's Siegfried & Roy, isn't it?

Siegfried & Roy.

So which one's Roy?

-Is that Roy or Siegfried?

-Siegfried, I'm guessing.

-Then it's...

-Three seconds.

-It's...

BELL

I'll ask you to answer.

It's the four things

in the Ring Cycle. So it's the...

I need an answer.

It's Der Rosenkavalier.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Europhiles, there's a bonus chance.

Is it Gotterdammerung?

It is Gotterdammerung.

You're absolutely right that it is the Ring Cycle,

but next is Gotterdammerung.

So, well done, Europhiles,

you get the bonus point there

and you get the chance to choose a question.

-Horned Viper, please.

-Horned Viper.

What would be the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Kabul. Could be anything.

Oh, isn't Afghanistan first alphabetically?

OK, yes.

So it would be Andorra la Vella?

OK. Next.

It's Albania. So, yes, it would be...

Then it's Algeria,

-then it's Andorra.

-OK.

BELL

Andorra la Vella.

You should have come in after one clue.

It is Andorra la Vella.

And why is that?

These are the capitals of the first four countries

if you put all the countries in the world alphabetically.

That's absolutely right.

The capitals of Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria

and the next alphabetically would be Andorra

and its capital Andorra City,

or Andorra la Vella.

Very well done. OK, Relatives,

one question left for you.

It's the Lion.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

4th - play slowly...

Next, please.

Adagio. It's adagio.

-Play slowly...

-Yeah, next.

-Next, please.

Lend to... Lent.

Something Len. It's Len,

-so put something... Have Len Fairclough.

-OK.

BELL

Len Fairclough?

That's not it, I'm afraid.

There's a bonus chance for you, Europhiles.

-Lego.

-Lego?

And why would that be?

Play slowly is largo,

Trellick Tower is Erno Goldfinger,

something bestowed is a legacy.

Aw. You see, you're edging around

in such a good way,

but then you veered off down a different track.

Play slowly is largo,

Trellick Tower architect is Goldfinger,

something bestowed is a grant,

like Red Grant in From Russia with Love.

We're talking about Bond villains!

We're going backwards towards Dr No.

I wanted to hear something

indicating a negative response.

So no points there.

Looking at the scores at the end of Round Two,

the Relatives have three points,

the Europhiles have six.

Time now for a gruesome pair of final Connecting Walls.

And the first will be offered to you, Relatives.

Would you like Lion or Water?

-Lion, please.

-OK.

You have two and a half minutes

to solve the final Lion wall.

Starting now.

Beast, Eats. They're anagrams.

-Take them...

-Seat.

There's six of them.

Well, find the other two, please.

Let's try them...

You try them while we look at other things.

Have you gone through them all yet?

-You can...

-We are, we are.

We're not seeing anything.

Thank you, OK.

Tom's Diner, Tom...

Sate is backwards.

SEAT is a type of car.

Ship, it's an anagram of ship.

Love's got room...

There's nothing at tennis.

Toms...

I don't know what Tom is.

Smot backwards.

That's the word backwards.

That's a word backwards.

That is teas backwards.

No, it's not.

Smot...

Keep going for other things.

We are. We are trying.

SHE SPEAKS INAUDIBLY

That's what I'm trying to think of.

What's that? Which is that?

-Rhos?

-Rhos...

That sounds like another word.

Phis.

Etas, Seat, SEAT.

-Love, Pate...

-Psis.

-Psis.

-File, Room, Toms.

What's the other one we had?

I don't know. Moor.

30 seconds now.

Take them off.

Rhos sounds like something else,

Psis sounds like something else.

E-T-A, that's not...

I'm pretty sure

that's a Greek letter.

Ten seconds.

Three strikes in five seconds.

That's it. Your time is up,

the wall has frozen,

but you found two groups, so that's two points.

What about the connections?

East, Eats, Seta, Teas.

They're all anagrams of the same letters.

That's it. They're anagrams of each other.

And the next group -

Rhos, Psis, Phis, Etas.

More than one Greek letter.

They are plurals of Greek letters.

You can get points for the connections in the groups

you didn't find. So let's resolve the wall.

Kite, Seat, Room, File.

-Box.

-You can put box in front of all of them.

Box kite, box seat, box room, box file.

That's it. And the last one,

Pate or Pate, Love, Toms, Mize.

They're American golfers.

They're American Major-winning golfers.

So two points for the groups you found

and four points for the connections. That's a total of six.

Time to bring in the Europhiles, give them an equally horrible

final Connecting Wall and see what they can do with it.

It's the Water wall for you, Europhiles.

You have, of course, two and a half minutes

to solve it, starting now.

Right, OK.

We've got anagrams again.

Spot, Post, Stop, Tops.

-Is that all?

-Oh, hang on...

Pots, Tops, Stop, Post.

Try without Post.

Try without Stop.

Try without Tops.

Oh, there's Opts as well, yes.

Oh, that's Wart...

OK, shall we come back to that?

OK, Mole?

Oh, is there units of measurement?

Like Mole or...

OK, Test, Pock.

Pockmark!

Pockmark, postmark...

Pole mark?

Pots mark?

Stop mark?

Test and Race and Post are

all stages in sporting competition.

Race, Post.

-Where's Test?

-You've already...

No, no. What's Test?

Cricket.

But that's not a stage.

Hole.

Hole, Pole, Mole...

OK, second post, second rate,

second test...

Second pole?

Where's pole?

Pole position.

Oh, Poll could be part of a...

Race, Post.

OK. Mast, Prop.

Oh, prop is a...

THEY SPEAK INAUDIBLY

Stop, Spot, Pots...

Post, Stop, Opts.

Try them with Opts, cos we didn't spot it.

Last post?

20 seconds.

Could be Hole and Test are...

-Ten seconds.

-Parts of sport again.

Prop... Oh, Prop, Mast...

That's it, you're out of time.

Bamboozled by the wall and I can't say I blame you.

But that is OK, cos you can still get up to four points

for connections in the groups you didn't find.

So, let's resolve the wall.

There we go. Opts, Stop, Tops, Pots.

They're all anagrams of each other.

Those are the ones that are anagrams of each other.

And the next one -

Post, Mast, Prop, Pole.

-They'll all, like...

-Freestanding wooden...

Things for supporting things.

They're supporting structures.

That's it.

And the next one -

Rate, Race, Hole, Test.

-No.

-You can put "card" after all of them.

Rate card, racecard,

hole card, test card.

And the last group -

Spot, Wart, Mole, Pock.

Things you may find on your face.

Pockmark, a mole, a wart, a spot.

That's it.

Literally like a description of me

before I go into make-up.

They're skin blemishes.

No points for the groups, unfortunately,

but you do get three points for the connections.

Let's have a look at the scores going into the Final Round.

The Relatives have nine points,

the Europhiles have nine points.

Now, here is a thing that I've just found out. We've got a website!

I'm so sorry I didn't mention that before! I've only just heard.

But it's not too late.

You can go there, you can play walls,

you can write your own... It sounds brilliant!

I'm going to hurry away and do that straight after the show.

But first, let's decide the champion of the series.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

The first group are all people

who have switched on

Blackpool illuminations.

-Europhiles.

-Steps.

-Correct.

Europhiles.

-The Stig.

-Correct.

Relatives.

-Red Rum.

-Not a person that time. Correct.

Europhiles.

Kermit the Frog.

Nor that time. Correct.

Next category -

mothers and daughters.

Europhiles.

Tippi Hedren and Melanie Griffith.

Correct.

Europhiles?

-Lois and Meg Griffin.

-Yes.

An older one here.

It is Queen Telephassa and Europa.

Next clue.

No? Maureen O'Sullivan and Mia Farrow.

Next category, they are represented by or abbreviated to

consecutive letters of the alphabet.

Europhiles?

Joule and Kelvin.

For J and K. Correct.

Europhiles?

Austria and Belgium.

A and B. Correct.

MUSIC PLAYS

No time to give me that last one.

Uranium and vanadium.

But that bell means it's the end of the quiz.

And, after a brilliant run, finishing in honourable

second place with ten points,

it's the Relatives.

But our winners,

with 16 points, are the Europhiles.

Many congratulations to you guys.

And to you guys,

you've also quizzed very well.

Brilliant stuff.

So, we have new champions and, in a moment,

we'll have our fantastic closing ceremony.

But first, I need to tell you that

that was our last show for BBC Four.

Like 16th century explorers,

we're setting sail for distant lands,

in our case BBC Two, where we're

hoping to plunder the local gold

and spread disease among the natives.

But I can't deny, I'm a bit worried I'm going to get eaten.

Thank you for watching.

See you on the other side.