Erstwhile Athletes v Record Collectors Only Connect

Hello, and welcome to Only Connect,

the show that's very tough but at the same time, very clever.

Picture, if you will, a muscular skinhead

whose arms are covered in tattoos of mathematical equations

and Anglo Saxon texts.

But enough about my weekend, let's meet the teams...

On my right, Daniel Fullard,

a history graduate who works as an employability tutor

and was formerly a competitive triple jumper.

Brendan Curtis,

a diagnostic radiographer who milked cows as a professional farm hand

and once washed up Barbra Streisand's breakfast plate.

And their captain, Chris Curtis,

a detention officer and former child actor

who is a qualified athletics coach.

United by their adoption

and subsequent abandonment of athletic sports,

they are the Erstwhile Athletes.

So, that's a team of retired athletes.

Chris, how's the team's competitive spirit?

We're hoping to recapture the London 2012 vibe this evening.

Excellent. Well, I believe the Queen will be helicoptering in any moment.

-Splendid.

-We better hurry up with the quiz.

You are playing tonight, on my left...

Adam Barr, an astrophysics student

who enjoys sailing, board gaming and indie pop music.

Richard Gilbert,

a postgraduate linguistics student who plays the guitar and the banjo

and likes making up his own languages.

And their captain, Rachael Neiman,

a PhD student and occasional radio host who runs her own record label.

United by an appetite for vinyl, they're the Record Collectors.

So, Rachael, can I assume that music is a speciality of your team?

I'm worried about saying this because we're probably going to be tripped.

We're pretty good at guitar music from 1980 onwards, I suppose.

No very modern chart music, but...

I almost think we're going to be tripped up by

some '70s classic rock that makes us physically sick.

We don't do prog!

Excellent.

Let's press on with round one, where I simply want to know,

what is the connection between four apparently random clues?

Record Collectors, you won the toss, you'll be going first.

So, please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

Shall we have the Eye of Horus?

-Go for it.

-Eye of Horus, please.

Why not the Eye of Horus? What is the connection between these clues?

If you get it after fewer than four clues you'll also get more points.

Here's the first.

-Shall we go for the next one?

-Yeah.

-Next, please.

Increase note by half...

Oh, are they dots? Are they one dot?

Is it one dot in Morse code?

-Shall we go next?

-Yes.

-Next, please.

Scoreless ball... Would it be a dash, or?

No, I think it's maybe a hash sign.

Increasing it by half is a sharp, which is a hash.

-Shall we go next?

-Yeah.

-Next, please.

Sentence terminator. Just a dot.

BELL

It's a single dot.

No scoreless ball for you! The answer is a single dot.

Why is E a single dot?

It's in Morse code, is it?

That's in Morse code.

And in musical notation it means to increase a note by half in length.

Scoreless ball, that's in cricket.

You put a dot in the scorebook if there's been a scoreless ball

and of course, a sentence terminator - a full stop.

So, well done, that's a point for you.

Erstwhile Athletes, it's your turn to choose a question.

-May we have Two Reeds, please?

-You certainly may.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first...

Next, please.

-There's seven of them. Keep going.

-Next, please.

-Nothing. Don't know.

-Next, please.

Holy orders was named after them?

Three seconds.

BUZZER

They have all had orders of monks or nuns named after them.

I'm afraid they haven't.

It's a very good guess, but they've not all had

orders of monks and nuns named after them.

This is a bonus chance for the Record Collectors.

Have they all inspired papal names?

That's not it either.

It's a little bit more tangential than either of those.

I'm afraid what you needed to do was translate all these into Spanish.

St Didacus of Alcala is San Diego.

Holy Sacrament, Sacramento.

The Angels, Los Angeles.

And St Francis would be San Francisco -

all derivations for Californian city names.

So, no points there.

Record Collectors, your choice.

-I think we'll have the Horned Viper, please.

-Horned Viper.

What is the connection between these four clues? Here's the first.

Shall we go for the next one?

Next, please.

Next, please.

They're not going to be last words or anything, are they?

-Shall we say next? Shall we go?

-Yeah.

-Next, please.

-Oh, are they?

-They're hand gestures.

-Yes.

-Six runs is that.

-No, no, no, it's that.

-Yes, so, hand gestures.

BELL

They all involve hand gestures.

-Tell me a little bit more.

-Putting your hands in the air.

Putting your hands in the air - that's absolutely it.

"I've finished my vault," that's a gymnast indicating it.

"You have six runs." The reason that's in the second person

is because it's an umpire conveying six runs.

"I surrender," you put your hands in the air

and "I'm dancing to YMCA,"

I'm reliably informed you put your hands in a Y shape.

Any keen dancers to YMCA on your team?

Only when I'm drunk.

-What about over there?

-Oh, absolutely not.

THEY LAUGH

We don't get a lot of dancers on this show.

So, well done Record Collectors.

And Athletes, it's your turn to choose a question.

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first...

Next, please.

They look like they could be spells from Harry Potter, but...

-But they're all about...

-Next, please.

Next, please.

-Oh, it's all... Yeah, I know what it is.

-Three seconds.

BUZZER

They're all pseudo-Latin names for Roadrunner.

That is exactly what they are. I love this question.

They are Latin names given to the Roadrunner in those cartoons.

Do you remember any of the Latin names for Wile E Coyote?

Oh, not really.

Overconfidentii vulgaris, that was one of them.

Eatius slobbius was another.

Latin names for Roadrunner was the answer to that. Well done.

Back to you, then, Collectors, for a choice.

-Water, please.

-Water. OK.

These are going to be picture clues.

What connects them? Here's the first.

It's Joe Root. He got a 100 at Lord's.

Next, please.

It's Pulp, it's Jarvis Cocker, but I'm sure it's Pulp.

-So, pulp, root... Oh! Root, pulp, it's...

-..parts of the tooth.

-Yeah.

-Oh, no, what do you think?

-I don't know.

I think that's... You get root and pulp in a tooth, don't you?

-You do, don't you. Shall we go for it?

-Definitely.

BELL

Are they all parts of the tooth?

Well gambled.

Coming in after two clues you get three points.

They are parts of teeth.

The next clues would have been

someone blowing up a bubble

with bubble gum for gum and the crown, on a coin.

Root, pulp, gum and crown, items connected with teeth.

Very well done. Back to you, Athletes.

There is one question remaining, Twisted Flax.

I think you know it's going to be the music question, isn't it?

Oh, well.

What connects these clues? Here's the first...

MUSIC: "Lulu's Song" by Alban Berg

Next, please.

# Old men, young men Take 'em as they come... #

That's Master Of The House from Les Mis.

Next, please.

# Who's that girl there... #

Arctic Monkeys. I think it's When The Sun Goes Down.

# She don't do major credit cards I doubt she does receipts... #

Next, please.

# Roxanne

# You don't have to put on the red light

# Roxanne... #

-What was the Arctic Monkeys song?

-Five seconds.

BUZZER

I need an answer.

They are all related to Cyrano de Bergerac.

That's very nice, but I'm afraid that's not the answer.

I can see why you said that, but, no.

Record Collectors, a chance to test your musical knowledge.

OK, about sex workers?

Are they all about sex workers?

They are indeed all about prostitution, that's it.

What did we hear?

Well, the last one was Roxanne. Was the second one from Les Miserables?

It was - Lovely Ladies from Les Miserables.

The Arctic Monkeys was the second one from the end.

That was When The Sun Goes Down.

And we heard Lulu's Song. All involving prostitution.

When I was at college we used to play a drinking game with Roxanne.

Half the room drank when he says "Roxanne"

and half when he says "red light."

I say half, I just sat in the corner drinking throughout.

I didn't care what was on the jukebox.

But others played that game

and let me tell you, if you're overage and very sensible,

you can get awfully drunk doing that.

At the end of Round One, then,

the Erstwhile Athletes have one point

and the Record Collectors are ahead with six.

Round Two involves sequences.

The teams must still work out the connection between four clues

but they may only see a maximum of three of them

because I want to know what comes fourth in the sequence.

Record Collectors, you'll be going first again.

Two Reeds, please.

OK, Two Reeds. I will be giving you the first in a sequence.

You may see two more clues if you like,

but I want to know what comes fourth.

The first one's coming in now...

Right, shall we...?

Next, please.

-It's going to be on Ceefax.

-So, it's Ceefax. So, what's 101?

-Is it TV listings, maybe?

-Shall we take next?

Yeah. Next, please.

-Just go 101, TV listings.

-OK, shall we?

BELL

101, TV listings or schedules.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

So, Erstwhile Athletes, you have a chance of a bonus point.

-101, news headlines.

-That's absolutely right.

And do you know what the connection is?

The connection is what was Ceefax,

the text news services on the television.

That's right, good old Ceefax, the thing that seemed

so wondrous before the internet was invented.

Pages with those things and on page 101, news headlines.

OK, Athletes, you get the bonus point there

and the chance to choose your own question.

-May we have Lion, please?

-You absolutely may.

What would be the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first...

Next, please.

Next, please.

First names of people who've...? No...

Five seconds.

BUZZER

-Philip and Anthony?

-And why would that be?

Because I'm plucking two random names out of the air

and putting an "and" between them.

I'm afraid those aren't the two names I'm looking for.

I'm going to throw this over to the Record Collectors

for a possible bonus point.

We'll say Sarah and Philip.

-And why would that be?

-I don't know...

They hosted Live & Kicking or something?

And which hilarious children's TV programme are you thinking

featured Al Gore and Joe Lieberman?

These are losing presidential tickets

from the last four elections.

John and John was John Kerry and John Edwards.

The next ones would be John McCain and Sarah Palin.

And Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan lost on the next election.

So, Mitt and Paul was the answer.

OK, Record Collectors, your chance for a question.

-Horned Viper?

-Why not.

-Horned Viper, please.

-Horned Viper.

You're going to see some pictures.

I want to know what would be in the fourth picture.

Here's the first...

Shall we go next?

Next, please.

It's a B in blue. B blue, E red...

Next, please.

-Oh, no, it's Y, it's eBay, but it's Y. What colour's Y?

-Oh, so...

-It's green, isn't it?

-Y is green?

-Y, green.

-OK.

BELL

A green Y.

That is right, the answer is a green Y. And why?

The letters of eBay on the logo.

That's it, it's the eBay logo.

In the eBay company name it's a capital B.

But the logo, all lower case, and the Y is green. Well done.

Back to you, Athletes, for a choice.

-Twisted Flax, please.

-OK.

What would be the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first...

Next, please.

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Harriet - who's Harriet?

We are looking at fifth, sixth, seventh... So Henry the eighth?

Five seconds.

BUZZER

-Henry VIII?

-I'm afraid that's not the answer.

So, Record Collectors, another chance for a bonus point.

Shall we say they all came to the...

-Harriet VII is throwing me, that is.

-Yeah.

I can't let you debate much longer.

-Lady Jane Grey?

-Not the answer.

Let me come back to you for a moment, Athletes,

before I tell you the answer.

-What can you tell me about Queen Harriet VII?

-Nothing.

-I don't know.

-Because she never existed.

I'm afraid this is not to do with royalty.

Horribly, it's to do with the letters in the names.

Five letters in Henry, six in Edward,

seven in Harriet, I wanted to hear an eight letter name.

Victoria would probably be the most popular and well-known.

And the number eight.

What a fiendish question. Unlucky.

OK, Record Collectors, your last choice of the round.

Eye of Horus, please.

OK, what will be the fourth in this little sequence?

Your time starts now.

Next, please.

-Volcanoes, maybe? I don't know. Shall go next?

-Yeah, yeah.

Next, please.

Oh, they're parts of a wheel, so would it be axle?

-Yeah, the middle bit - it's working in.

-Axle.

That's the bit in the middle of the wheel, yeah?

-I don't know what it's called, but I guess axle.

-OK, shall we go?

BELL

Axle?

I'm afraid axle is not next in the sequence.

So, a bonus chance for the Athletes.

Hub?

Hub is the answer.

I think you knew they were parts

of a wheel or a wagon wheel coming inwards.

The felloe is the obscure one, the curved bit in the circumference.

The middle bit would be hub. Well done, Athletes.

You get the bonus and you get the last question, Water.

What would connect these clues and which clue could come fourth?

Here's the first...

Next, please.

Next, please.

-Four players, three players, two players, one player.

-That's it.

So, they're card games.

Bridge plays with four. Cribbage plays with two. I don't know skat.

BUZZER

Solitaire.

I will accept solitaire.

Yes, I think you're guessing that

skat is a card game played by three players. Four play bridge.

Cribbage you can play doubles

but traditionally it would be two people.

So, card games played by four, three, two and one players.

Very well done.

So, at the end of round two, the Erstwhile Athletes have five points

and the Record Collectors have eight.

Time for the Connecting Wall. 16 clues have been nailed to the rack.

Our teams have to sort them

into four comfortable little groups of four.

You'll be going first, Erstwhile Athletes.

Would you like Lion or Water?

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

OK, you've got 2.5 minutes to solve this wall, starting now.

-Oh, it's Playschool.

-Dolls.

-Looby Loo.

-Raggedy Ann?

-No.

-Victoria.

No, not Raggedy Ann.

No.

Looks like we've got cats. Yum yum is in Mikado.

Macavity.

-Asparagus?

-Don't know.

What else do we think?

Don't know.

-Dolls, can we see if we can sort out Dolls?

-OK.

Berliner, what's Berliner?

Berliner is a type of newspaper or a bun.

Oh, yes, it's a chewy thing,

like a doughnut, a Berliner.

Sorry, go on. You do those.

Berliner, Churro, Yum yum,

what else is a chewy thing? Beignet?

Right, go back to the dolls.

PG... PG tips, Q tips, felt-tips...

Yeah.

Wing tips?

-We've still got the dolls.

-Right, Dolls and Cats.

-Is that what we're saying?

-Don't know. Macavity...

-Is Asparagus a cat? I don't know.

-You've got a minute left.

Don't know what Asparagus is.

Three strikes and you're out, remember.

So, Looby Lou... Have we done Hamble, Victoria and Jemima?

I don't think so.

Shall we try Hamble?

No.

And what we put in was definitely Cats, Macavity and Raggedy Ann?

Hamble and Jemima...

One more go now.

Try...

Have we tried Macavity and Raggedy Ann?

No, we've got to take those...

Quickly, then...

No, that's your three strikes

and the wall's frozen.

But two points there for the groups you found.

What about the connections?

Yum yum, Churro, Beignet, Berliner?

They're all sticky sweet things that you eat to make you very fat,

like a doughnut type thing.

I'll accept, yeah. Fried doughy goods.

Felt, Wing, Q, PG?

They can all precede "tips."

That's right, you can put "tips" after all of them.

And you can still get points for the connections

in the groups you didn't find. So, let's resolve the wall.

OK, Asparagus, Jemima, Macavity, Victoria.

I think they're all cats.

They're all cats. What sort of cats?

Fictional cats, cats in musicals?

Oh, are they in TS Eliot's Old Possum's Book Of Practical Cats?

Very specifically, the Cats musical based on the TS Eliot poems,

The Old Possum's Book Of Practical Cats.

Last one, then. Madeline, Raggedy Ann, Looby Loo, Hamble.

-They're all dolls.

-They are all dolls.

So, that's two points for the groups that you found

and four points for the connections. That makes a total of six.

Well done.

Time to bring back the Record Collectors

and give them another Connecting Wall.

16 fresh clues still need sorting into four groups of four.

Welcome back, Record Collectors.

Rachael, you've got a Braille wall there.

I can tell you, it will be the Water wall, that's the one you've got.

Two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

So there's going to be something to do with London.

Yeah, London districts, east London.

So you're going to have Eton games, Wall game, Fives, Eton mess...

-Shall we start putting some of these in?

-Try Eton.

Mile End, Whitechapel Stepney and Beckton are all east London.

No, they aren't.

-East London...

-I just did Mile End... Banks, maybe?

-Do Keys?

-No, it would be spelt differently if it was.

-What do I do?

-You've done that already.

Shall we just go for the other one you had?

Yeah, Eton. Wall game, Fives, Mess, what else?

-Oh, Bow as well.

-Yeah.

Oh, yes, got it, yeah. Bow bells.

OK, we've got Whitechapel, Mile End, Bow and Beckton

-as the London districts.

-Right, OK.

Eton Boating Song, Eton Wall Game,

Eton Mess, Eton Fives. No.

Eton Keys? Eton Flowers?

Eton Seaman? Eton Stepney?

-Eton Bananas!

-I don't think so.

You're about halfway through the time.

Crop, Flowers, Keys...

Fives - you've done that already, haven't you?

OK, Mess, Crop, Boating Song, Wall Game, that's the Eton one.

So, Bananas, Banks, Fives, Flowers, Seaman, Stepney, Keys and Balloons.

Remember, it's three strikes and you're out.

-Bow bells, maybe?

-No, that was a London area.

-OK.

40 seconds.

Oh, Seaman's a keeper, Tim Flowers is a keeper, so Seaman...

I won't put it in all the way.

They're keepers for England.

Keys, maybe?

What about Bananas, Stepney and Fives?

It might be one of the footballers, but I don't know.

But what would Keys, Fives and Bananas be?

-Keys...

-Can't think...

I think we're going to need to guess.

That's it, you've solved the wall. Well done.

That's an immediate four points for the groups you found.

What about the connections?

-First group, Whitechapel, Mile End, Bow, Beckton.

-Areas of East London.

Places in east London.

Next one, Mess, Crop, Boating Song, Wall Game.

-Eton.

-You don't know Eton Crop?

-It's a haircut, isn't it?

-It is a haircut.

One might assume it's a form of old-fashioned punishment

but, no, short haircut popular with women in the 1920s.

Next one - Banks, Flowers, Seaman, Stepney.

I know Banks, Flowers, Seaman were all former England keepers

but Stepney is not one I recognise.

They're all England goalkeepers.

Alex Stepney, apparently,

the legendary Manchester United goalkeeper

played just once for England. Not that legendary.

I feel less bad now.

And the last group, Bananas, Fives, Keys, Balloons?

All things that come in bunches.

Oh, a bunch of fives! All things that come in bunches.

They all come in bunches, like your points.

That is four points for the groups you found,

four points for the connections,

and a bonus of two points for getting them all right.

That is the maximum of ten. Very well done.

Let's see what that does to the scores going into the final round.

If that's made you feel competitive,

why not get out and kick around a ball in the fresh air,

or stay in, go to our website and play some of the walls on there.

You can also write your own.

But it's time for missing vowels.

Here at Only Connect we've taken well-known names, phrases

and sayings, taken out the vowels and switched the consonants.

I want to know, what are those disguised clues?

Rachael, I know you've got an earpiece here.

You'll be hearing the consonants.

Teams, remember if you get anything wrong,

I will be taking points away this time.

So, buzz with care.

OK, teams. The first group are all 18th-century inventions.

-BUZZER

-Athletes?

-Lightning rod.

-Correct.

-BUZZER

-Athletes?

-Pianoforte.

-That's right.

-BELL

-Collectors?

-Hot-air balloon.

-Correct.

-BUZZER

-Athletes?

-Spinning mule.

-That's right.

Next category, perfumes and the perfume house that makes them.

-BUZZER

-Athletes?

-Polo and Ralph Lauren.

-That's right.

-BUZZER

-Athletes?

-Beautiful and Estee Lauder.

-Yes, it is.

Don't know this one? It's L'eau d'Issey and Issey Miyake.

Next clue.

-BUZZER

-Athletes.

-Brut and Faberge.

-Correct.

Next category, songs from the musical, Joseph.

-BELL

-Collectors?

-Any Dream Will Do.

-That's right.

-BUZZER

-Athletes?

-One More Angel In Heaven.

-That's right.

-BUZZER

-Athletes?

-Poor Poor Pharaoh.

-Correct.

-BUZZER

-Athletes?

-Close Every Door.

-That's right.

Next category, things a naughty child might say.

-BELL

-Collectors?

-He hit me first.

-That's right.

-BUZZER

-Athletes?

It was like that when I got there.

-I'm afraid not. Collectors, bonus?

-It was like that when I got HERE.

That's right, you'd have needed a second T. Next clue.

-BELL

-Collectors?

-A bigger boy made me do it.

-That's right.

-BELL

-Collectors?

-The dog ate my homework.

-That's right.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

And that is the end of the quiz.

What a tense Round Four, brilliantly played by all sides.

The result of it is the Erstwhile Athletes finished with 19 points

but the winners with 24 are the Record Collectors.

Very well done to you.

So, the Record Collectors are straight through to the next round.

The Erstwhile Athletes are still in with a chance of getting there,

but let's hope they've got a tin of barley sugar

and an audiobook of Bravo Two Zero

because they're taking the scenic route.

Goodbye.