Children in Need Special: Goldfingers vs Fowls Only Connect

Hello and welcome to the only show on TV where Asclepius and JLS might both get a shout-out.

It's Only Connect, a very special edition

in aid of the BBC's fund-raising appeal for Children In Need.

We've got some very special guest quizzers.

We'll be testing the brains behind famous faces

to see if they're super-computers or cubicles in which little old men desperately pull strings.

I am delighted to welcome on my right Daisy Goodwin, best-selling novelist,

TV producer, businesswoman, memoirist, poetry anthologist and presenter.

Is there anything this woman can't do? Yes, I heard she's weak on the noble gases in order of atomic mass.

And looking at tonight's questions, unlucky!

Matthew Parris, Times journalist and Radio 4 presenter,

arguably the greatest columnist in modern newspapers.

Matthew was an MP for the Conservative Party at the height of its reign in the 1980s,

but he got out in the nick of time just 11 years before they fell from power.

And their captain - Charlie Higson.

TV and radio comedy star, producer, director and writer,

his series of Young Bond novels inspired me to start my own series - Young Marple.

In my books, she's only 70.

Charlie writes Bond novels, Daisy loves Sean Connery

and Matthew types beautifully for a living, so they are the Goldfingers.

Charlie, was it hard to win over Bond fans when you started writing?

They were furious when it was announced that a TV comedian was going to write...

They thought it would all be James Bond handing his homework in late

and having glasses of milk shaken, not stirred.

But luckily, when they came out, I completely won them over

because they saw it was mostly sex and violence and heavy drinking.

That's excellent. Your opponents tonight are, on my left, Clarke Carlisle,

English professional footballer, Chairman of the PFA and multiple former winner of Countdown,

he officially won the title Britain's Brainiest Footballer.

That may not be saying much, but Albert Camus was a footballer.

If you're grinding your way through Christian Metaphysics And Neoplatonism,

bear in mind he was bloody good in goal.

Richard Osman, in demand for comedy panel shows and winner of Heat magazine's Weird Crush Award,

Richard is best known as Alexander Armstrong's sidekick on Pointless,

the quiz where the cleverest people score zero, so he should be right at home on Only Connect.

And their captain - Rosie Boycott. She studied Maths at the University of Kent.

She's Trustee of the Hay Festival and the first woman to edit two national broadsheet newspapers.

Rosie and I don't know each other well, but she used to run a farm, so she's familiar with grumpy cows.

Clarke is acquiring a flock of chickens, Richard owned eight ducks

and Rosie is installing a duck house. With the best sporting intentions, they are the Fowls.

Rosie, why are you getting a duck house?

Because my moorhen, who is sitting on her eggs, is living in a box

and I thought that as duck houses are very in vogue, I would attempt to build a duck house.

It is still an attempt, but I intend to succeed, so that she has a palace to live in.

I was actually thinking of recreating The Shard in Somerset on a small pond.

Before we play the quiz, a reminder that we are playing tonight to raise money for Children In Need,

so if you can afford to give something, please go to the website.

But it's quiz time here. Goldfingers, you won the toss and you'll go first.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

We'll go with Water, I think.

OK, I simply want to know what is the connection between four clues.

The fewer clues you need to give me the right answer, the more points you get. These are picture clues.

Here's the first.

A bust of a Roman emperor. Which one?

-We don't know who he is.

-Hadrian maybe?

-Next.

-Ronnie Barker in Open All Hours.

-Yes. What was he called in it?

I'm afraid I don't know.

Oh, we're not getting any tweaks or twinges here.

-I think we'd better go to the next one.

-Bust, Barker. Next.

-Oh, now, who is that?

-I don't even know.

-That's...

-Ten seconds.

-Monty? Monty?

-I don't think it is.

-No.

-Could be emperors maybe.

-Three seconds.

-No, we're not...

Um...

They're all people looking from right to left.

-LAUGHTER

-Torsos!

-I can't accept that answer,

so I'm going to show the fourth clue to the Fowls

for a possible bonus point.

We think it is speech impediments.

They are all people who spoke with a stammer.

-Who are you looking at?

-Claudius, Arkwright.

-Montgomery.

-Montgomery. And...

-Porky Pig.

That's interesting. I wonder if you got that purely from Arkwright?

Because the first picture is Demosthenes

who put pebbles in his mouth, the orator,

and the third one is George VI from The King's Speech.

-What did we say for number one?

-Claudius.

-I meant Demosthenes.

-You meant Demosthenes? Sorry.

-I get those two...

-And I contributed Porky Pig, so I'm happy.

-Britain's favourite footballer. It's proved.

-Very well played.

That's a bonus point for you Fowls. Choose your own question.

-Shall we have Lion?

-Why not?

-We'll have the Lion.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Mark Antony. Can we have the next?

All played by Sid James.

Could be. OK, let's go for it.

I don't know if he played Mark Antony.

He did play him in Carry On Up The... Sid James.

I beg your pardon?

All played by Sid James.

They are all roles played in Carry On films by Sid James.

You didn't need to see The Black Fingernail and Sid Boggle.

Well done, Fowls. Back to you, Goldfingers, to choose a question.

Twisted Flax.

The music question. That's always good news, isn't it?

What is the connection between these clues you'll hear? Here's the first.

BRASS BAND MUSIC

Sousa, tubas.

It could be Monty Python.

Next.

# Now I'm gonna find her For my heart is full of woe... #

Songs sung by Monty Python?

# ..things together we did so long ago... #

-The Yellow Rose Of Texas.

-The Yellow Rose Of Texas, yes.

-And Liberty Bell?

-Are they all things of states in America?

-States?

-Yeah.

Ten seconds.

American states we're going to go for.

Brilliantly coming in after two clues. Three points.

States of America. You didn't need to hear California Girls

-or Hawaii Five-O.

-Oh, shame!

Daisy, did you recognise the first piece?

No, but I recognised the second one.

You said it was Sousa, which it is.

-I didn't know which one.

-Washington Bell?

-The Washington Post.

And then The Yellow Rose Of Texas. All contain the names of US states.

Back to you, Fowls, for a choice.

-Eye of Horus, please, Vicky.

-What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

-"Ghastly." In commas.

-Hmm.

Next, please.

Oh, hang on a minute, um...

-Things that people...

-How someone's been described.

-Descriptions of someone?

-Of someone's voice.

-Maybe.

-Do you want another clue?

-Someone in particular.

-Shall we get the third one?

We'll have a third. Next, please.

-"It looks like a tart's bedroom."

-Ten seconds.

They've...

Come up with something.

-All things...

-Three seconds.

-All things Simon Cowell has said.

I'm afraid you've run out of time,

so I'll show the fourth clue to the Goldfingers for a bonus point.

-We...

-What's your answer?

-We're torn between Margaret Thatcher or Prince Philip.

-Prince Philip.

Things that Prince Philip has said.

-They are things said by Prince Philip.

-Well done, Matthew.

He described two places as ghastly. Matthew, do you know what they were?

-China?

-One of them was Beijing.

-Yeah, there we are.

-And the other?

Stoke-on-Trent. He didn't like that either.

What did he describe as looking like a tart's bedroom?

Was it his bedroom?

It wasn't the Speaker's Chambers, was it, no?

It was the house of the Duke and Duchess of York.

LAUGHTER

We didn't find room for him saying to a student back from New Guinea, "You managed not to get eaten then?"

These are all gaffes by Prince Philip. You get the bonus point, Goldfingers. Choose your question.

Let's try Horned Viper.

What is the connection? Here's the first clue.

Mogwai multiply.

Mogwai... Is it Lord of the Rings or something like that?

Next.

-2K...

-Oh, dear, it's the noble gases!

OK, "2K becomes 2KOH and hydrogen gas".

-Are they formulae?

-No idea. We'll go for another one.

-Yeah.

-Next.

-Pernod...

-Chemical reactions.

-When you add water to something.

Things that happen when you add water.

Absolutely right. The effects of adding water.

You didn't need to see the melting of the Wicked Witch.

Mogwai multiply in which film?

-Gremlins.

-Oh, Gremlins.

-That's more my genre!

Unlucky, the other team got it.

Pernod turns milky white. You know what that second clue represents?

-Potassium?

-Yes, potassium becomes potassium hydroxide and hydrogen.

-You knew everything about that question. It went to the other team.

-Yeah, it's really unfortunate!

That's right, Goldfingers. That is the effect of adding water. Fowls, the last question of the round.

Two Reeds. Oh, I wrote this question!

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

The Glass Key.

OK, next one.

The Scarlet Stiletto.

It's not Sherlock... Is it Sherlock Holmes parodies or...?

WHISPERING

Modern Sherlock Holmes?

OK, next one.

Are they episodes or...?

-Ten seconds.

-Shall we get the fourth one?

Can we have the fourth?

They are new...

-New Sherlock Holmeses.

-I'm afraid that is not the answer,

so there is a possible bonus point for the Goldfingers.

Oh, we're not... We're not sure.

-We've got Dashiell Hammett and TS Eliot.

-Do you have an answer?

-Yeah, we've just got it.

-Too late now, I'm afraid.

I said I wrote it, so regular viewers know it's not golf or maths.

-You say you know it now, Rosie?

-We think it's literary prizes.

They are prizes for writing crime fiction.

You're not familiar, Daisy, with the Golden Dagger?

I'm afraid not. My brother's won it and I still didn't know it.

OK, we're at the end of Round One and looking at the scores...

Before we continue, a reminder of why we're here. It is for Children In Need and here's how you can help.

Every penny you give to BBC Children In Need will go to projects helping disadvantaged children in the UK.

If you'd like to make a donation, visit the Children In Need website.

Every penny counts, so please give generously if you can.

But I'm feeling ungenerous. I'll make you play another round of this fiendish quiz - Round Two.

Goldfingers, you go first again. Please choose a hieroglyph.

-I like Twisted Flax.

-Well, then, you shall have it.

These are going to be picture clues,

so I want to know what would be the fourth picture. Here's the first.

OK, that's somebody running...

Is that Roger Bannister?

-Who knows?

-It must be.

-Next.

-Bacon.

-Bacon. Francis Bacon. Bacon...

Bannister, runner, bacon.

Rasher of... Danish? Danish?

-OK, let's go.

-We'd better go to the next one.

-Remember, it's a sequence.

-Jane Asher.

-Asher, rasher, Brasher.

-Oh, yes.

-What would it be though?

-Who else?

Ten seconds.

-Gnasher.

-Gnasher.

-Gnasher, yes, from The Beano.

We're going to go for Gnasher from The Beano.

-I can't accept that answer.

-It's a jolly good answer though.

Yes, but not the right one. I'll give the Fowls a chance of a bonus.

-Antony Sher. S-H-E-R.

-Antony Sher, that's right.

You noticed it's to do with the words.

Chris Brasher, the athlete, take the first letter off, you get "rasher",

take the first letter off that, you get Asher,

then we went for Antony Sher.

-Yeah, but our idea was quite good.

-What was it?

Brasher, "Bray-sher", rasher, Asher, Gnasher. That's pretty good.

Yes, but, Matthew, that's not a sequence.

-Oh, no.

-It's just a rhyming word.

-Yes, it's another one of the same.

It is, but it has to be a sequence. You get a bonus point, Fowls,

and the chance to choose a question.

We will have that old Horned Viper.

What would the fourth clue be in this sequence? Here's the first.

-Ontario.

-Ontario.

Second, please.

-Huron's a lake.

-Are they by size or...?

-Take another one.

-Next one.

-Michigan.

-Are they going down in size or up in size?

-Superior or Erie, isn't it?

-Erie or Superior.

I think they're going down. Em... Lake Erie.

I'm afraid that's not the answer. "Too easy," says Mr Parris.

-Superior?

-It IS Superior. Why is that?

-Going up in size.

-It's the only lake not on there!

They are the Great Lakes in order of increasing volume.

-And Superior would be that one. The smallest is Erie.

-I know. We thought they were going down.

Unfortunately not.

-That's your bonus, Goldfingers. Now choose a question.

-Lion.

Lion, you roar. What is fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Tybalt. So he's a Capulet.

-Or is he...? I think he's a Capulet.

-Shall we get another one?

-Yeah.

Er, next.

So they're all members... All from... Tybalt, Paris.

-All people who die.

-What order do they die in?

-I think Juliet.

-Isn't she?

-Want to go for that?

-Yeah.

-We're going to say Juliet.

-Once again you get three points.

The answer is Juliet.

-Daisy, I think you know the connection.

-They all die in Romeo and Juliet.

Tybalt gets killed by Romeo, Paris gets killed by... Anyway.

-It's the order.

-Romeo kills himself, then Juliet.

It's the order in which they die and Juliet would be next.

-Back to you, Fowls.

-Eye of Horus, please.

What would be the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

OK. Next one.

-#

-Any time you see me cry...

-#

-It's Not Unusual.

It's not unusual to be mad at anyone.

It's not unusual to be...sad with anyone.

It's It's Not Unusual. Shall we get the third one?

OK, can we have one more?

-Have fun with anyone.

-10 seconds.

-It's not unusual to...

-The numbers indicate it's going backwards.

Two seconds.

-Er...

-What's the first line of It's Not Unusual?

-It's not unusual to be loved by anyone.

-That's it!

-Be loved by anyone!

-They all appear in the song.

That is it. Lyrics from the Tom Jones song It's Not Unusual, and it's going backwards.

Be loved by anyone. Very well done.

-Goldfingers?

-Two reeds.

-What's the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

-The watershed.

-The watershed.

-Is that 9.30?

-Oh, nine. It's nine.

Next.

-General election...

-That's 10 o'clock.

-10 o'clock.

-Yes. So, 11 o'clock.

-Shall we go for three?

-Say midnight?

-Yes, let's go for it.

-We're going to go for midnight.

-Have a look at the first two clues. Tell me what you'd expect to see.

-What happens at 12 o'clock? Closedown?

-National anthem?

-Not any more.

-Stop debating and tell me what the fourth is.

-Something that happens at 12 o'clock.

-New Year's Eve.

-Turn into a bong!

-I'll accept, "Something that happens at midnight."

-Cinderella's coach becomes a pumpkin. A new day starts.

-A number of things can happen!

-I said turn into a pumpkin!

-Something that happens at midnight is the answer.

Well done. Back to you, Fowls.

Water. What would you expect the fourth in the sequence to be? Here's the first.

-129...

-Next, please.

-Blue. Grey 129, blue 134.

-OK, next.

-Pink...

-140.

-147.

-Oh, yes!

-147, black.

-Black, 147.

-Black, 147.

-The answer is 147 in black.

-Very well done. Why is that?

-It's the last four shots in a 147 break in snooker.

-The colours potted.

-That is it. The final four stages

of achieving a 147 break and the various colours.

147, black. Well done to you.

That means at the end of Round Two...

Connecting Wall time. 16 clues to sort into four groups of four.

-Fowls, you're going first this time. Please choose lion or water.

-We'll go for lion.

OK, you've got the lion wall. Two and a half minutes to solve it starting now.

-Bramall Lane, Gigg Lane... White Hart Lane...

-Meadow Lane.

-They're all football grounds.

Bramall, Gigg and White Hart.

-Good.

-OK.

-Cinnamon...

-Chelsea buns.

-Sticky bun.

-Bath, Chelsea, Cinnamon, Sticky.

-Beautiful.

-OK.

-Right, Order of the Garter.

-Three lives now.

-British Empire.

But then what are the others?

What are white roses? Tudor Rose, Fleur-de-lis.

-Order of the British Empire.

-Order of Merit, Order of the Garter.

-Order of the Fleur-de-lis?

-We don't want to press it yet.

-No.

-We can try.

-Castle of Castile. Are these all national symbols?

-Oh...

-That's a national symbol, that is.

-That is.

-And...

Order of the White Boar? Is that not...

Is that not an order? Has it not just sorted itself out?

-Shall we...?

-Two lives now.

-Shall we...?

-So about...

-Tudor Rose, Thistle, Fleur-de-lis.

-And the White Boar maybe?

No, Castle of Castile is not an order. That sounds like a symbol.

-Look for a different connection.

-You've got a minute left.

-Maybe these four.

-Is there the Order of Fleur-de-lis?

-In the Scouts maybe? That's one of their emblems.

-If we did Orders, it would be Garter, Merit, British Empire and Fleur-de-lis?

-Yeah.

-What do these lot become?

-Er... Tudor Rose. Are they symbols of Royal Houses?

-They're not soap, are they?

-Royal Houses, maybe. Thistle, Fleur-de-lis, Tudor Rose...

-Castile is a...

-30 seconds.

-Shall we try Castile, Tudor Rose...

-Maybe Fleur-de-lis. Order of the Thistle! Fleur-de-lis and White Boar.

-That's it!

You've solved the wall. Very well done. Four points. Extra points for the connections.

-Bramall, Meadow, Gigg, White Hart.

-Clark will have played at all of them. Football ground Lanes.

-They are indeed.

-Football grounds.

Bath, Chelsea, Cinnamon, Sticky.

-Buns.

-They're simply buns.

What about this? Castle of Castile, Tudor Rose, Fleur-de-lis, White Boar.

-Emblems of Royal Houses?

-That's what I'd go for.

-I'll take it!

Royal badges of English monarchs. And the last one?

Thistle, Garter, Merit, British Empire.

-Orders you get from the Queen.

-That's it. Orders of chivalry.

Very well done. Four points for the groups,

four for the connections. And a bonus of two for the maximum of 10 points.

Time to bring back the Goldfingers to see what they can do.

16 new clues still need solving in the same Sudoku style.

Hello, Goldfingers. You get the water wall.

Two and a half minutes to solve it starting now.

Blue, Browning... Lots of poets there.

Arnold, Rossetti, Swinburne.

Hopkins...

-Try Browning, Arnold, Rossetti...

-Swinburne.

-Ooh.

Right. Let's see the other ones.

We've got Well Done...Raw...

Blue...and Rare. Oh, hang on. Rare...

-Medium.

-Oh.

Try that. ..Yes!

Right. So now that gives us Raw. Corfield. Does that ring any bells?

-What about Fledgling? Raw...

-Jejune.

-And Green.

Now it's three lives, so be careful. You've got plenty of time.

We've got some poets there. And what are the other ones? What's the other possible category?

-Em, painters?

-Who's not a poet? Donaldson isn't, is he?

-I don't think so.

-Julia Donaldson?

Yeah, it could be Julia Donaldson.

Children's poets. Browning, Donaldson...

-I don't know who Cass is.

-And I don't know Corfield.

-Er...

-So we think it's possibly Donaldson, Cass, Corfield and one of these other poets.

-Why don't you try it, then?

-We don't know which. What haven't we tried?

-You've got a minute left.

-Browning, Arnold, Rossetti and... Hopkins.

-We're tried those three.

-And those two.

-What about Browning, Arnold, Rossetti and...Donaldson?

-Shall we try those four?

-Browning...

-We've done Hopkins.

-Browning, Arnold, Rossetti, Donaldson. Try that.

-Julia Donaldson.

-But I think we need to stick with poets.

-OK.

-She is a poet.

-Is she?

-Two lives now.

-You're just...wildly guessing now!

-One life.

-OK, wildly guessing.

-OK...

-One life.

-Browning, Donaldson, Swinburne, Hopkins.

-Leave Browning out.

15 seconds.

-We've done those four.

-Arnold, Rossetti, Swinburne, Hopkins...

No, no, not Browning!

That's it. You've used your three lives and the wall is frozen.

You found two groups. Connections - Blue, Rare, Medium, Well Done?

-Ways to cook your steak.

-Ways to cook beef.

Green, Fledgling, Raw, Jejune?

-All mean young and unformed.

-Novices.

-Words for immature. You can still get connection points.

Let's resolve the wall.

Browning, Rossetti, Swinburne, Hopkins?

All Catholic...no.

-What's your answer?

-Poets.

-They are Victorian poets.

And the last group. Arnold, Cass, Donaldson, Corfield?

Are they all... I think they are all Radio Four announcers.

They are Radio 4 newsreaders and announcers.

Alice Arnold, Harriet Cass, Peter Donaldson and Corrie Corfield.

They're familiar now! So you found two groups

and got four points for connections. That's a total of six. Let's see what that does to the scores.

Stop that. It's rude to make personal remarks. I put the ears on because it's a special night.

If you want to play a connecting wall, we've got a special Children In Need one on our website

and a link to the donation site. Now the missing vowels round where this will be decided.

So fingers on buzzers, teams. I will tell you the connections in advance.

The first four clues are all...

inflammations of the body.

-Tennis Elbow.

-Correct.

-Shin splints.

-Correct.

Don't know this one? Housemaid's Knee. Next one...

-Jogger's Nipple.

-Correct!

Next category - celebrities who were cartoonists.

-Bob Monkhouse.

-Correct.

Don't know this one? It's Federico Fellini. Next clue.

-Oh. Cheryl Barker?

-Lose a point.

-Goldfingers?

-Charlie Brooker.

Correct. Next clue.

-Humphrey Lyttleton.

-Correct.

Next category. Some of the 50 ways to leave your lover.

-You don't need to be coy, Roy.

-Correct.

-Hop on the bus, Gus.

-Correct.

-Make a new plan, Stan.

-Correct.

-Just drop off the key, Lee.

-Right.

Next: quotations from Hamlet.

Don't know this one? "Brevity is the soul of wit."

END OF ROUND MUSIC

There will be no next clue. It's the end of the quiz.

After an amazing wall round and decisive Round Four,

the Goldfingers finish on 21 points,

-but the Fowls are the winners with 26.

-Well done, you two.

Very well played, all of you. And thank you very much for supporting this excellent charity.

Thank you for watching. Do give something if you possibly can.

We're just a humble little quiz, but I'm sure we can raise enough to get that poor bear a second eye.

Goodbye.

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