Special: Champion of Champions - Analysts vs Scribes Only Connect

Though I keep searching for an answer,

I never seem to find what I'm looking for.

So I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams

and here I go again, but not on my own,

and that's one of many ways in which I differ from Whitesnake.

I'm actually joined by some old friends -

winners of the most recent two series of Only Connect,

because this is the all-powerful champion of champions battle.

Who is here to try and get the ultimate supremacy?

On my right, Holly Pattenden,

a professional strategist

who loves Verdi operas and drinking Burgundy wine.

Gareth Price, a folk music fan

who works as a magazine editor and enjoys European travel.

And their captain, Dom Tait,

an associate editor and fan of Liverpool Football Club.

They beat the Ciphers, the TEFL Teachers, the Wordsmiths

and the Draughtsmen to claim their title as series six champions.

They are the Scribes.

So, Dom, new champions.

What was the highlight of your Only Connect tournament?

Um, I think early on in one of the rounds

we got a question on inscriptions on pound coins quite early.

It was the dawning realisation we might not be rubbish

was really quite nice.

I hope for you sake there will be a lot of money involved tonight

and I hope that for my own sake, as well.

Let's see who you're facing.

On my left, Paul Steeples,

a bass baritone with the Morley College Choir London

and fan of Altrincham Football Club,

who works as the head of a vocational qualifications team.

William De Ath, an Oxford maths graduate,

who enjoys scuba diving, trekking and skiing.

And their captain, David Lea,

a political risk analyst

who loves cricket and all things Spanish.

Well, welcome to the inquisition.

They are a team of professional analysts

and are series five Only Connect champions.

Welcome back to the Analysts.

David, lovely to see you again.

What have your team been up to since we saw you last?

Oh, just pottering about analysing stuff mostly.

I bought a flat, not with my proceeds from Only Connect, obviously.

I'm analysing what's in what box at the moment, mostly.

I'm sure you're as brilliant as ever

but there's only one way to find out.

Let's play the quiz, starting with Round One.

What's the connection between four near-impossible clues.

Scribes, you won the toss

but you've decided to throw the Analysts in first.

So, David, could you please choose a hieroglyph?

Lion, please, Victoria.

OK. What is the connection between these?

Here's the first.

OK. Next, please.

-Doesn't mean anything to me.

-Something to with Toy Story?

-Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

-It could be things on film.

-The statue might be the thing on Fargo.

-OK.

OK. Next, please.

That's how Piltdown Man was made up.

-Um...

-Ten seconds.

..so is it fake archaeological discoveries?

Next, please.

Three seconds.

BELL

It's the means of various famous hoaxes, fakes.

Yes, creating hoax creatures,

rather specifically,

but, yes, they are all hoaxes.

Paper cut-outs of fairies -

they were the Cottingley Fairies.

Do you know who they fooled?

Conan Doyle, wasn't it?

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. A couple of schoolgirls

took primitive pictures of cut-outs of fairies.

Conan Doyle thought they were real.

The ten-foot gypsum statue. What's that?

Yeti, Big Foot, something like that?

It's the Cardiff Giant,

although not Cardiff where we are now.

Cardiff, New York.

A petrified giant that was dug up in 1869.

And what did the plastic wood head

and toy submarine create?

It wouldn't be the Loch Ness Monster?

Of course, the infamous Surgeon's Photograph of the Loch Ness Monster.

So, yes, hoaxes was the connection.

Scribes, it's your turn to choose.

-Twisted Flax, please.

-Twisted Flax.

What is the link between these clues? Here's the first.

Any idea?

Next, please.

-Oh, much smaller...

-Yeah, a tiny version.

They came back much smaller than intended.

BELL

Much smaller than they were intended to be.

I mean, smaller, less would sound better in some of the clues.

It's just measurement mix-ups.

Things that went wrong because of measurement mix-ups.

Yes, Stonehenge in Spinal Tap was supposed to be 18 foot high.

They made it 18 inches.

The Mars Climate Orbiter - that was a problem between

the difference between Newtons and pounds.

You didn't need to see the Gimli Glider which ran out of fuel

cos there was too little put in there

because pounds and kilograms were confused there.

And Jimbo the aeroplane -

his designer mixed up inches and centimetres.

Well done. Back to you, Analysts, for a choice.

-Water, please.

-Water, OK.

These are picture clues. What connects them?

Here's the first.

-Will-o'-the-wisp?

-OK, next, please.

-The Secret Garden?

-Gates.

Next, please.

The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe?

It could be children's books, or something like that.

-The Secret Garden, and...

-Ten seconds.

Next, please.

Three seconds.

BELL

They're in the titles of children's books.

They are not in the titles of children's books.

So, Scribes, your chance for a bonus.

They're by CS Lewis.

I'm not going to take that because it's a bonus chance

and I'm being strict cos it's champion of champions.

Together you're stumbling towards the answer.

They are ways to get into Narnia.

Of course, a creation of CS Lewis, but they're not all in the titles.

The pool in the wood is the way to get in the wood between the worlds.

The door in a high wall, that's the Silver Chair.

The wardrobe, of course, The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

And the Dawntreader - Voyage Of The Dawntreader.

-But, specifically, ways to access Narnia.

-OK.

All right, Scribes, no bonus for you,

but would you like to choose a question?

Two Reeds, please.

Two Reeds, the music question.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

MUSIC: "O Death Where Is Thy Sting" by Handel

Sounds like Handel.

Quite early.

Next, please.

-MUSIC:

-"Only Connect Theme"

Next, please.

MUSIC: "The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin

The Entertainer.

Shall I keep going?

Next, please.

MUSIC: "Fields Of Gold" by Sting

-Fields Of Gold.

-Ten seconds.

The Entertainer, Fields Of Gold, the end of Only Connect.

BELL

Er...

No. Ends of quiz shows.

They are not the ends of quiz shows,

although I nearly got up and walked out after one of them,

but that's not what they are.

Analysts, do you want to go for a bonus?

I don't think we've got anything, have we? No.

Now, that little bit you heard from Only Connect is not actually

the end of the show, it's the sting between the rounds.

You're sighing over there. We heard The Entertainer, known as The Sting,

a piece by Sting, Fields Of Gold,

and the first one from Handel's Messiah, O Death Where Is Thy Sting?

David, did you get that just as I started to give the answer?

-Literally, as soon as you said "No" I got it.

-Unlucky.

Seconds too late you realised that one, but you don't get the bonus.

You do get the chance to choose a question.

-Eye of Horus, please.

-OK, what is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

-It's that video game thing.

-Yeah.

Next, please.

OK. Next, please.

-Next, please.

-Ten seconds.

BELL

They point at you out of pictures, posters.

Yes, they do.

Professor Layton, a computer game character,

he points for all sorts of reasons all the time.

-I didn't know he pointed at you.

-Apparently he does point.

Uncle Sam, of course, in the I Want You for the US Army.

Alan Sugar apparently points at people when he's firing them.

That's not very polite, is it?

And Lord Kitchener pointed on a poster which had which slogan?

-Your Country Needs You.

-Your Country Needs You.

So, quite right, very well done.

Scribes, there is one question remaining, the Horned Viper.

What connection lies here?

Time starts now.

Any idea what's there?

Next, please.

Oh, You'll Never Walk Alone.

Kops? Do they have Kop ends? Next, please.

Eternal flames burning?

Eternal flames, OK.

BELL

-Eternal flames?

-The locations of eternal flames.

You didn't need to see the last one,

the gravesite of John F Kennedy, the assassinated president.

These are all places where eternal flames burn

in memory of the victims of Hiroshima, of course,

at the Anfield Stadium after the terrible Hillsborough Disaster

and the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier.

Eternal flames burn there. Well done.

So at the end of Round One,

the Analysts have got two points, the Scribes are ahead with five.

Ah, that familiar sting. Must sound like a rubdown now.

On to Round Two, the sequences round.

I simply want to know what's the fourth in the sequence

but the word 'simply' is misleading

because it's not going to be simple at all.

Analysts, you're to go first again. Please choose a question.

-Two reeds, please.

-All right. What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next, please.

-Onan.

-Nano.

Onan... Um...

We'll take the next one because we can't get the sequence.

Next, please.

That'll be nano. Nona...

-Anon?

-10 seconds.

-Attribution to author unknown.

-Brilliant. And why is that?

Prefix for nine is nono.

-Eh, nona.

-Nona, sorry, yeah.

Onan spilled his seed on the ground.

10 to the -9 is nano.

-So it's rearranging those letters.

-That's right.

And the sequence, it's sort of a circle.

N-O-N-A, O-N-A-N, N-A-N-O, A-N-O-N for anon,

for example, an unknown author.

Well done. Scribes, your turn.

-Water, please.

-All right.

What would be the fourth in this little sequence? Here's the first.

Next, please.

OK. Will do. Next, please.

Can we get the full title?

-Beltane is a Celtic Festival.

-Is it?

MUTTERING

Celtic festivals by importance?

Is it Wicca?

MUTTERING

10 seconds.

What do you think? I might try...

Three seconds.

-Easter.

-Not the answer, I'm afraid.

There's a bonus chance for the Analysts.

Halloween.

That's not it, either. But what's your logic?

Order of importance of pagan festivals, I hear from my left.

It actually is pagan festivals, sequentially,

but after Beltane you get Midsummer.

That would be the next pagan festival.

Your turn now, Analysts. Which hieroglyph appeals to you?

We'll have the lion , please.

OK. These are going to be picture clues.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Here's the first.

It's not years in Japan or something like that?

Next, please.

No... no...

Next, please.

Yoke, 10.

So it's going to be hieroglyphs.

-What is one?

-10 seconds.

Bird is one?

Three seconds.

BELL

Some form of bird and one.

I'm afraid that is not the answer.

Scribes, there's a bonus chance for you.

No. A parrot and one?

-A parrot?

-Yep.

Do you think if it was a parrot

I'd have said they couldn't have it when they said a bird?

I see what you mean.

I may be a cruel taskmistress, but even I'm not that bad. No.

Now I wonder if you're thinking about the right sort of thing.

What did you think the connection was?

We were kind of very suspicious that we weren't barking up

the right tree with hieroglyphs and their representation of numbers.

You're right about that. The hieroglyph hid hieroglyphs.

They are Egyptian numerals and one is what wanted to hear,

but it was symbolised by a staff or a straight line, not a bird.

Yes, the lotus flower, for 1,000.

A coil of rope for 100, a cattle yoke - 10,

but the Egyptian numeral hieroglyphs for one

would be a straight line, or a staff.

Very close but no cigar.

I would have accepted cigar,

cos that's a straight line, but I didn't hear it.

Back to you, Scribes, for a choice.

-Horned viper, please.

-OK.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Remember, it's in caps. Um... Next, please.

Next, please.

OK, that's interesting.

Is it some kind of symmetry?

-I can't really see anything.

-10 seconds.

Three seconds.

BELL

-Madam.

-Yes?

Oh, that's your answer! I'm sorry, that's not correct.

There's a bonus chance for the Analysts.

R-O-T-A-S.

That's not it, but what's your thinking?

Paul said "R-O-T-A-S" in my right ear, so I...

I think it's a palindrome or something.

It's a complicated set

of palindromes known as the SATOR word square,

where the words read the same across and down every column.

Next would be OPERA,

which you'll see is the second clue backwards, which makes sense.

R-O-T-A-S would actually come next after OPERA,

so I'm guessing you must have seen this word square before

because you know the line,

but actually to get to ROTAS you need OPERA.

Analysts, then,

one more choice for you this round.

-Twisted Flax, then, please.

-OK.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

This is going to be Adrian Mole books.

Next, please.

-No, it's the...

-So it's the...

-St Albion's.

It's the Academy one, isn't it?

The Parish News was Blair, wasn't it?

The Secret Diary was John Major.

BELL

New Coalition Academy Newsletter.

That's exactly what it is.

The New Coalition Academy or Newsletter. Well done.

Coming in after two clues, you get three points. Why is that?

They're the spoof columns

from the Prime Minister of the day in Private Eye, consecutively,

from Major, Blair, Brown and Cameron.

Exactly right. Well done.

That leaves only the Eye of Horus

to stare menacingly at the Scribes.

What would the fourth clue be in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next, please.

-Don't think so...

-Next, please.

Why is there a sequence?

-Why would that make sense?

-Divorce?

Number of wives...

A four wife, a five wife, a seven wife?

-It could be.

-10 seconds.

Oh, the man who went to St Ives?

-I met a man going to St Ives...

-Oh, yeah.

OK. The man who I met on the way to St Ives?

Who did you meet on the way to St Ives?

A man with seven wives.

Ah, no. There was a chance you met

this person on the way to St Ives,

but apparently no. So a possible bonus chance for the Analysts.

Well, that was where we were going, as well.

So we're going to say Richard Burton.

SHE LAUGHS

That's a really nice answer

and sort of works, in a funny sort of way.

The answer is actually Thomas Seymour.

These are the husbands of Catherine Parr.

And if she kept going she probably would have

married Richard Burton eventually.

She was married twice before her union with Henry VIII.

That was the one that survived, of course,

and after his death, she married Thomas Seymour.

At the end of Round Two, then,

The Scribes have got five points

but the Analysts are ahead with seven.

On to the connecting wall now, the jumbled up 16 clues

that need sorting into four connected groups of four.

Scribes, you'll be going first now, so you've got a choice -

Lion or Water?

-Lion, please.

-Lion. OK.

You've got two-and-a-half minutes to solve this wall, starting now.

Claret jug, this is a prize in...

So trophy, cup...

It seems a little bit too easy. Sorghum is a type of wheat, I think.

-Millet, these are...

-Quinoa's a grain.

These are kind of grains, aren't they?

I wonder what Amaranth is? I can't quite remember.

I think they're probably words that precede things here,

like Belt and Plate.

Steroid... That can have an A before it.

Acorn? Asteroid? Anyone going to help here?

-Adrift.

-Adrift...

There's got to be another. I can't believe there wouldn't be.

Atrophy.

Oh, damn it!

OK, well, let's say there's another.

Avenue. OK.

I bet I'm doing the same ones here, aren't I?

OK, let's leave Trophy.

So now grains. Quinoa can only be a grain.

-I agree.

-So Millet, as well.

I like that. Corn is gone, of course.

-OK, so they're all grains.

-Three lives of course, now.

-Trophies or prizes.

-Plate, cup.

Claret Jug and Dish.

And then these...

-Continental shelf? Continental drift?

-Yeah, the Earth's crust...

I wonder if it's just continental...

I like that, but we've got a bit of time so let's just have a think.

-It's got to be continental shelf.

-I like it,

I'm just trying to make sure

that we know what we're going to say when we hit that.

Plate could be in either, couldn't it?

Yes, I see what you're saying. It is going to be those four.

But I do... I'll just hit three of them for now.

I want to make sure our answer is absolutely right for this.

I think that can be preceded by continental, I think.

-That certainly can. Belt - not sure.

-Crust can't.

So maybe just parts of the Earth

or things that can happen at the Earth's core?

Things that move in the earth.

Areas associated with tectonics, maybe that's better?

You've got 30 seconds and two lives now.

So plate can be tectonic.

Let's leave it then. Claret Jug and Dish. A Belt?

That's it. You've solved the wall. Very well done. Four points there.

Let's see about the connections.

Trophy, Venue, Corn, Steroid.

Can be preceded by A to make new words.

-Atrophy, Avenue, Acorn and Asteroid.

-Exactly. Very well spotted.

You got that early. That was the really tricky one.

And what about this green group here?

They are all types of grain or foodstuff.

Yeah, I'll take it. Their seeds are used in cereals,

but yes, edible crops.

And the next one: Cup, Dish, Belt, Claret Jug?

Sporting prizes.

All sporting prizes. You recognise the Claret Jug, what's that from?

-The Open.

-It's some sort of golf thing, I'm led to believe.

Some people get some prizes for that - I don't know why.

And the last one: Shelf, Drift, Plate, Crust?

I think they're all terms from tectonics.

Yes, do you want to tell me any more?

Continental terms, continental drift.

In tectonics, you can put "continental" before all of them.

Very well done indeed. That is four points for the groups,

four points for the connections.

You get two bonus points for getting it all right.

That's the maximum of 10. Very well done.

Time to bring back the Analysts,

see what they can do with the connecting wall.

16 new clues still need sorting into four connecting groups of four.

Analysts, it will be the Water Wall for you.

You have two-and-a-half minutes to solve it, starting now.

Split, Dubrovnik, Zadar...

Then Eubank, Leonard, Duran, Hagler..

Pula's Croatia, as well, isn't it? So, hang on, so...

-We've got lots of...

-Hang on. So...

-Take the Croatians out?

-Yeah.

-Split's possibly another category.

-There we go.

OK. Leonard, Duran, Hagler...

-Middleweight boxers, specifically.

-Yeah.

Loon, that's a Canadian coin, isn't it?

No, it's... Hang on.

Sub Sub, The The...

-Talk Talk, Duran Duran.

-OK.

Which leaves us with...

-Lots of boxers.

-Timer...

Pula...

-Loads of boxers.

-And...

Yeah, another boxer coming after that.

We've got to sort the boxers.

Because there are six of them.

Right, OK, let's go for...

You're about halfway through the time.

Is it anything to do with the weights?

I think they're all more or less middleweight.

We might as well try the ones...

Hang on, hang on.

-There we go.

-Three lives now.

-OK.

-Pula, Loon...

-Leonard and Timer.

That's it. You've solved the wall.

That's four points for you there.

Let's look for the connections.

Split, Dubrovnik, Zadar, Rijeka?

-Cities in Croatia.

-They're Croatian cities.

What about this: Hearns, Hagler, Benn, Eubank?

Boxers, specifically middleweight world champions.

That's absolutely the perfect answer.

World middleweight champions. Are you boxing fans?

I probably was back then, back in the golden years.

-Something was better back then, eh?

-Always.

And what about this: Duran, Sub, The, Talk?

Repeat them and you get the name of a band in each case.

That's right, the pop groups Duran Duran, Sub Sub, The The, Talk Talk.

And what about this last group: Leonard, Timer, Pula, Loon?

Um... Hmm...

Not so sure on this one. Currencies?

That's not it.

Now this devious connection is almost invisible to the human eye.

But what if you changed one letter in each of those clues,

you could turn them into Leopard, Tiger, Puma and Lion.

They all become big cats if you change a letter.

But the claws were really hidden there.

Very well done, though, you found four groups

and you get three bonus points for the connections, a total of seven.

Let's have a look at the scores going into round four.

The Analysts have got 14 points, but The Scribes are ahead with 15.

This is going to make for a hotly contested missing vowels round.

It will be decided here.

Of course, we'll be taking the vowels out of well-known names,

phrases or sayings, squidging up the consonants.

I want to know what the hidden clues are.

Of course, the teams can lose points

if they get a consonant wrong.

Or indeed a vowel. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

The first group are all literary aunts.

-Analysts?

-Lady Bracknell.

-Correct.

-Scribes?

-Betsy Trotwood.

-Correct.

A tricky one, this.

From Cold Comfort Farm, it's Ada Doom. Next clue.

-Analysts?

-Aunt Agatha.

The mastodon herself. Correct.

Next category, films with photographer protagonists.

-Analysts?

-Spiderman.

Correct.

-Scribes?

-The Bridges of Madison County.

Correct.

-Scribes?

-Funny Face.

-Correct.

-Scribes?

-Rear Window.

-Correct.

Next category, correct versions of common misquotations.

-Scribes?

-Double, double, toil and trouble.

That's right.

-Analysts?

-Play it, Sam.

Correct.

-Analysts?

-Lay on, Macduff.

That's right.

Oh, come on!

This one is "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio."

Next category, works of JMW Turner.

-Scribes?

-Eruption of Vesuvius.

Correct.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

That last one was Dido Building Carthage.

But the little sound means we're at the end of the quiz.

And after an amazing round four, for the captains especially,

the Analysts finish on 19 points, but the winners,

and new champion of champions for Only Connect with 21 points,

are The Scribes. Very well done.

What an absolutely successful tournament for you

and your icing the cake with the champions of champions.

Analysts, just pipped this time but it was lovely to see you all again

and some brilliant quizzing, of course. Thank you for playing.

And thank you for watching this special episode

of the problem-solving quiz

that doesn't actually solve any of your problems -

as I've learned to my cost. Goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd