Two teams of celebrities compete for charity in the quiz show where links must be made between seemingly-random things.
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Hello and welcome to Only Connect, the quiz that's like a tonic
in the sense that I always take it with a lot of gin.
But this is a very special episode, in aid of Children in Need,
the BBC appeal. Some very special quizzers are giving their time
in the hope of inspiring you to make a donation.
They say, "never meet your heroes"
so I've had to blank most of these people in the dressing room.
They are, on my right, a legendary TV producer
who founded Not The Nine O'Clock News, Spitting Image, and, of course, QI -
the show that puts the fun into knowledge and facts.
Here he is on Only Connect where we take it back out again, John Lloyd.
Writer, journalist, TV presenter,
novelist, baroness, feminist icon with a Cambridge degree in Economics and History.
The person that every woman on British television wants to be,
even Katie Price, in her heart, wants to be Joan Bakewell!
And their captain, Nick Hornby.
Best-selling author and screenwriter, essayist,
and, in a new adventure, lyricist, collaborating on the album Lonely Avenue -
a title that made it popular with quizzers everywhere.
Oh, there's a quiz every night in the pub on Lonely Avenue.
Nick also writes for the Believer magazine.
Joan hosts the Radio 3 series, Belief,
and John believes whatever he's told.
They are the Great Believers.
-Nick, am I right in thinking you're a regular quizzer?
-Er, there is a regular quiz I take part in
that my sister sets at the River Cafe,
which becomes very competitive.
Without sucking up, I'm a great fan of Only Connect,
that's my most regular quizzing at the moment.
Hurrah. Only Connect is a great fan of you. How confident are you
in your teammates?
Er, I was extremely confident and then we had the rehearsal.
Well, good luck. Tonight, you will be attempting to beat,
on my left...
Science writer, author, journalist and libel-trial hero,
a man who knows all about hidden connections,
having written The Code Book - The Science Of Secrecy From Ancient Egypt To Quantum Cryptography.
Damn it! Better take that question out of Round Two. Simon Singh.
Actor, comedian and revered improviser,
a man who gained an MA in English Literature
but abandoned his PhD because, he said, his dissertation was 200 pages of rubbish.
Picky, picky. It may have been rubbish,
but come on, it was 200 pages! John Sessions.
And their captain, the editor of Private Eye,
stalwart of Have I Got News For You, a popular presenter here on BBC Four
and, as all quizzers should know, the most sued man in English history.
Luckily, he always has meticulous briefs, Ian Hislop.
They all refused to be silenced, regardless of threat or stage fright.
They are the Free Speakers.
Now, Ian, your current affairs knowledge is second to none
but how's your lateral thinking?
Er, not too good. You said, "Are you confident?"
My teammate on my left, a quiz called Only Connect,
-he missed the train to get here!
-It's not looking good so far.
Are there particular areas of general knowledge you think
-might be a weakness?
-Yes, but Simon's going to cover all of them!
-In your dreams!
We are quizzing tonight in aid of Children in Need,
helping to improve the lives of disadvantaged children and young people all over Britain.
If you can afford to make a donation, please go to...
In Round One, teams, I simply want to know, what is the connection
between four apparently random clues. If you see fewer than four,
I will give you more points for the correct answer.
Believers, you won the toss, so you'll be going first.
Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.
Twisted Flax, please.
The Twisted Flax. Your first clue is coming up now.
-It's going to be numbers...
Er, it's none, it's none.
-Zero, or none, is the correct answer.
There are none of these things. Leonardo da Vinci
signed none of his paintings, there are no locks on the Suez Canal,
there are no bones in a shark. The last clue was
Oscars won by Alfred Hitchcock.
Well done, you get the points
and over to the Free Speakers to choose a hieroglyph.
Can we try Eye of Horus? Bit of product placement early on?
You certainly can. The Eye of Horus.
What do these things have in common?
The first one coming in...now.
-Marks & Spencers?
Make the Channel Tunnel a no-fly zone...
Are they Green Party policies?
Or Monster Raving Loony Party policies?
-Are they still going, shall we try one more?
It's a silly thing. Monster Raving Loony Party sounds good.
-Shall we try it?
-Shall we go for it now then?
These are the political policies of the Monster Raving Loony Party.
You are quite right.
I think it was that third clue, "Ban terrorists from having beards",
-that helped you to realise not the Green Party!
-And not the Lib Dems!
"Offer chocolate on prescription", that was the last one.
Policies from the Monster Raving Loony Party.
-Back to you then, Great Believers, to pick a hieroglyph.
It's the music question.
You'll hear these clues. I want to know, what do they have in common?
The first one is coming in now.
# I met him at the candy store
# Turned around and smiled at me You get the picture? #
Yes, we see.
# That's when I fell for the leader of the pack... #
# God save the Queen!
# A fascist regime... #
# They made you a moron... #
MUSIC: "Je T'Aime (Moi Non Plus)" by Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin
# Relax, don't do it... #
I'm thinking that they were all banned from the radio.
They were all banned by the BBC.
-Oh, the BBC.
-What did you hear?
-Leader Of The Pack
by the Shangri-Las. That one confused me,
I didn't know the BBC had banned Leader Of The Pack
by The Shangri-Las!
It was because of fears it would incite violence
-because it was about gangs.
-Then it was God Save The Queen,
Relax... I've forgotten what number three was.
-Oh, Je T'Aime, yes.
Having played pieces of all four of those, we may be off air
before the end of the show! Onto the next question
before that happens... Back to you, Free Speakers,
-to pick a hieroglyph.
These are going to be picture clues. What is the connection?
First one coming up now.
The words pun, "roll" and "role", "currant" and "current"...
-Want to try one more?
-Yes, one more, please.
-Beer, beer. Beer, you can carry...
-Well, it's a six-pack.
Oh, no, no, no! Stomachs.
-Yes, they're, er, expressions of fat...
-Press the button!
Sorry! They're expressions of bits of you that's a bit fat.
Your stomach. That's a muffin top, that's a six-pack,
so that's not fat. They're descriptions of stomachs.
How you can be brilliant enough to figure that out
but not how to press the button, I don't know!
Bread basket, muffin top, six-pack,
and the last one would have been spare tyre.
They're nicknames for the abdominal region. Excellent work.
-Back to you, Believers.
All right, what is the connection here?
First clue coming up now.
Are they two from Viz magazine or something like that...
-Kelsey Grammar, Uncle Albert...
-Oh, well, they're all...
Uncle Albert and Kelsey Grammar
are actors, aren't they? Characters...
-I don't know where these are, do you?
-Has anybody guessed?
Er, they're all in some comedy series.
Oh, for heaven's sake, you've got a comedy producer on the team,
-name a comedy series!
-I'm busy making them,
-I haven't got time to watch them as well!
-In that case,
I'm not going to accept it, I'm going over to the Free Speakers
-for a possible bonus point.
-They're names in some comedy show.
It's the kind of thing...
If nobody on this programme can name a comedy show...
-I'm going to say Little Britain.
-It's not your turn. Free Speakers?
That sounds like a good answer, unfortunately.
We can't really say it.
Let's say Little Britain!
They are all locations in the BBC sketch show Little Britain!
-Very well done, I'm so impressed. The other team,
-They didn't have a clue, the other team.
The trick is to be absolutely silent while the other team is guessing.
Give nothing away! Well done for the bonus point.
One question left, Two Reeds.
That's going to you, Free Speakers. Your first clue is coming up now.
That fashion designer.
-Oh right, OK, so we're adding...
-Are they all Belgian or all got accents?
-Shall we try one more?
-It's a short name of the full name.
-Or could they be Belgian words?
-Try Belgians, try Belgians.
-Shall we go for the fourth one?
-They're all abbreviations, aren't they?
-Yes, let's go for it. Buzzer...
They're all abbreviations.
Give me a little more?
-To describe longer words!
-Esso is Standard Oil, for example.
Oh, they're all... Herge is "HJ", Erte is "RT",
Jeep was "JP" and Esso is "SO".
Now you're going in the right direction.
I'll give it to you. Herge is the other way round.
The Tintin creator's initials were "GR", he turned it round
to make Herge. Erte, "RT" were the initials of the designer,
"GP" - General Purpose. "SO", the initials of Standard Oil.
They are abbreviations made from the phonetic initials. Well done.
That means, at the end of Round One,
Great Believers have three points.
The Free Speakers are ahead,
Of course, we're here trying to raise money for Children in Need
which seeks to improve the lives of disadvantaged and suffering children
and young people all over the country.
If you can give something, please go to...
On with Round Two, this is the Sequences round. I want to know
not what is the connection, you must work that out on your own.
I want to know what is fourth in a sequence. Believers, you're first.
-Please choose a question.
OK, you're about to see the first in a sequence.
What would you expect to see fourth? Time starts...now.
-George, Paul, Ringo..
John, Paul, Ringo and George...
It's got to be the oldest, hasn't it? Next.
-It has to be John, doesn't it?
Going to have a wild guess and say John.
Do you notice anything those pictures have in common?
Any information you haven't given me?
Er, John in red?
-I'm afraid that's not the answer.
-Who'd have thought!
I must offer a possible bonus to the Free Speakers.
John Lennon in white.
-You think it'll say John Lennon, do you?
-John in white.
John in white is the answer.
Unlucky over there. Do you know why?
What they're wearing, crossing the zebra crossing
on the Abbey Road album?
Now that's a quizzer! What is the sequence,
it's the sequence in which they cross the road
on the cover of the Abbey Road album,
and the suits they're wearing.
John in white would be the fourth. Very well done.
Your reward is a question of your own,
-if you'd like to select it.
-Horned Viper please.
The Horned Viper. What is the fourth in this sequence?
Here's the first...
-This is maths...
-We all look at Simon.
Shall we see the third one and we can see...
I'm trying to divide one into the other.
-Yeah, let's get the next one.
-Minutes, oh, ah... Seconds. So it's a 60...
-Don't panic. What's the answer?
Just in the nick of time, the answer is 60.
Very well done, why is it 60?
Cos it's 60 seconds in a minute,
then that's the number of seconds in an hour,
that's the number of seconds in a...day
-and that's the number of seconds in...
-Back to you, Believers, which would you like?
-Twisted Flax, please.
The Twisted Flax, OK.
What is the fourth in this tricky little sequence?
Here's the first.
ITV, it's going to be, isn't it?
Could it be a sequence of independent television... The IBA...
THEY CONFER QUIETLY
Joan thinks it might be ITV.
I'm afraid that's not the answer. There's another bonus chance
for you, Free Speakers.
-Independent Broadcasting Authority, Independent Tele...
-This is far too long.
-I'll give it to you.
-It is Ofcom.
I think you knew, Joan, these were independent television regulators.
I did indeed, but I thought... Yes, Ofcom.
You absolutely got the connection and then veered off towards ITV.
Ofcom is right for the bonus point. You may now have your own question,
-which would you like?
All right. These are going to be picture clues.
What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Here's the first.
Ships, Spithead review...
-No, they're too precise for terms.
"Cabbages and kings, ships and sealing wax." It's going to be that.
If we see the next one, I'll probably know it. Next.
It's going to be kings.
-Nobody's ringing the bell, I hope the time doesn't run out.
-Lewis Carroll line.
-I beg your pardon?
-What is in the fourth box?
-Lewis Carroll line?
Kings! It's what the walrus says to the carpenter,
"We're going to talk of many things, of ships..."
JOHN JOINS IN: "And sealing wax and cabbages and kings."
"And why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings."
Kings would be the next in the sequence, well done.
If you could get the buzzer strategy sorted, you'd be a great team!
It's my problem, I keep thinking it's the nuclear button
and I can't touch it.
Nevertheless, you get the points, well done.
-Back to you, Believers, to choose a question.
-Two Reeds, please.
The Two Reeds. What is the fourth in this sequence?
Here's the first.
This blessed plot.
-What's the last one, is it England?
"This earth, this realm, this England."
"This earth, this realm, this England."
And so the fourth one would be?
-This earth, blessed plot... England.
"Realm" would be third, "England" fourth.
Brilliant answer, after two clues, you get three points.
-You're going to ask me which play!
-Well, I thought I might.
-It is Richard II.
John of Gaunt's monologue. Are you familiar with that monologue, John?
-IN A THEATRICAL VOICE:
-But I haven't essayed it for many, many years.
-Is now not the moment?
-Now is not the moment, sadly.
-Go on, audition!
-Fortunately, Believers, you don't need to tell me
the connection, you've got the answer right.
That leaves one question left for the Free Speakers, the Eye of Horus.
Your first clue is coming up now.
A computer language?
THEY CONFER QUIETLY
I'm just trying to think, not bizarre children's characters...
-Shall we take...
-Must be, are they Wombles or something?
Er, shall we take the next one?
-There isn't a next one.
-OK, we'll have the next one!
-I'm afraid I can't give you that.
They're all characters in the well-known children's series...
-But we have to get the fourth one!
-JOAN: Humphrey, Sybil, Wilberforce.
Even if they were characters in a children's series,
-that wouldn't be the fourth in a sequence!
We think we know the connection but we can't give you number four.
-These are all pets in 10 Downing Street.
-They might well be
but I want to know what's fourth. Don't say anything over there!
It's called something like The King Of England.
-Where did that come from?
-I don't know.
-It's called Larry!
-The one before is called The King Of England!
-They are cats.
Chief mousers to the Cabinet Office,
and the one after Sybil is Larry.
That's it for Round Two. Looking at the scores,
the Great Believers have an impressive six points
but the Free Speakers are ahead with 12.
Time for the Connecting Wall.
16 clues, which the teams must sort into four connected groups of four.
Plenty of red herrings there on the wall but only one perfect solution.
Free Speakers, it is your turn to go first this time.
First you have a choice - Lion or Water?
-OK, the Lion wall. You've got two and a half minutes to solve it,
Palaces - Topkapi, Winter, Crystal and Kensington.
-There's not five of those, are there? No, shall we try that?
Nope. Er, oops.
Billy Idol, Billy Joel,
-Billy Fury... Billy...
-Not Billy The Big Heat.
Oh, come on!
OK, Mastermind... Are these quiz shows?
The Big Heat, that's a quiz show, isn't it?
-You hit a random one.
-Sorry, yes, lose that.
-Go is a game, Mastermind was a game.
Hex was a game, Crystal was a game?
You've used one minute.
-Is Potala a game?
-Let's try it.
Nope. But surely that's right. Er...
I'm thinking Hex sounds like a game. Let's try M.
We don't know, what's The Big Heat, is that a film?
-Kensington... Metropolis was a film.
Does anybody know anything about Corgan?
-Shall we go Corgan...
-M was a film.
And Topkapi was a film. No.
The Billys... Billy Joel, Billy Fury,
Billy Ocean, Billy...
Billy Corgan. Who is Corgan? We don't know that.
Er, who the hell is Corgan?
-Billy Joel, Billy Idol, Billy Fury...
-Billy Ocean, did you try that combination?
One group. Not much time left.
-Let's lose that.
-Under ten seconds.
Do the palaces.
Ah, no, that's it, the time is up.
-But you got a group, that's a point.
I'll give you another one if you can tell me the connections.
Corgan, Joel, Ocean, Idol.
Billy Joel, Billy Ocean, Billy Idol, it must be Billy Corgan.
Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins. They're singing Billys.
-We got that bit.
-You got that, you got the Billy, a point for that.
I'll give you points for connections in the groups you didn't find.
Let's resolve the wall.
Crystal, Topkapi, Winter, Potala.
-They're all palaces.
-They are palaces.
Potala threw you, the Dalai Lama's palace.
Next, M, The Big Heat, Fury, Metropolis.
They're all films.
Particular Fritz Lang films, I think.
-They're all films directed by Fritz Lang.
-Why didn't I know that?
You did but when they're jumbled up, it can be hard to find.
-Those are games.
-Hex, Go, Kensington, Mastermind.
-Hex, Go, Kensington, Mastermind,
they are all strategy board games.
-So you knew it all really. You get a point for the group you found
plus four for the connections. A total of five points.
Time to bring in the Great Believers and see what they can do with the Connecting Wall.
16 fresh clues still need sorting in exactly the same way.
You'll be getting the Water wall.
You've got two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.
Drink, drink, drink...
Shall we try that one?
What's another one?
It is, we've done it.
-These are all editors, I think, of Punch.
-I think it's Punch.
I think it's Punch too, but who would it be?
-Could it be John Bird, the editor...
-Could it be Bell? No, it's not.
Let's try him.
-Surely not bathtub!
-That would be a good trick, wouldn't it?!
-OK, let's go somewhere else.
Magazines. The Week, Learning...
-Curves. Bell curve, learning curve...
You've used a minute.
-What about bathtub curve?
Now, with two groups, it's three strikes and you're out.
So, now we're going to look at these. So The Week is a magazine.
Do you think Trial might be?
Let's try these editors.
-That's it, you've solved the wall, brilliant work!
You made it look easy.
Well, let's see about the connections.
You get four points for the groups, bonus points available now.
St Clements, Virgin Mary, Prairie Oyster, Shirley Temple.
-They're all non-alcoholic cocktails.
You won't catch me near any of them.
Bell, learning, bathtub, demand.
-These are all curves.
-But we don't know what a bathtub curve is!
-We thought we'd go for it.
-You speak for yourself, Joan!
A bathtub curve is used to show the failure rate
-of electronics equipment against time.
Lemon, Coren, Muggeridge, Bird.
These are certainly all editors. Are they editors of Punch?
All editors of Punch.
Mark Lemon was the first editor of Punch, Alan Coren the best,
Malcolm Muggeridge, Cyril Bird, also editors of Punch.
Very good. And the last one. Orange, Turtle, The Week, Trial.
Well, interestingly, they're all words.
I can't accept it. You can put "mock" before all of them!
Mock orange, Mock Turtle, Mock The Week, the TV show and a mock trial.
Still, excellent result.
Four points for the groups, three bonus points for the connections, that's seven points.
Let's see how that affects the scores going into Round Four.
The Great Believers have 13 points
but the Free Speakers are ahead with 17.
If you'd like to play a Connecting Wall, why not go to our website
where you can play a special one for Children in Need.
You'll also find a link to the Children in Need donation website.
And yes, I agree, nothing improves a glamorous evening dress like a pair of bright yellow novelty ears.
I've got them on, haven't I?
I hope you're giving some money. Let's play Round Four,
the Missing Vowels round. We take well-known names, phrases or sayings,
remove the vowels, squidge up the consonants. Teams, I want to know
what are those disguised clues?
Fingers on buzzers.
The first group are all...
-"Coulda been a contender."
-Or "I coulda been a contender." Correct.
-Top of the world, Ma?
No, there's all sorts of extra consonants there.
Possible bonus, Believers?
No, too long. It's "ET, phone home." Next clue.
Too late. "I see dead people."
-"Houston, we have a problem."
-"Houston, we have a problem."
Correct. Next category...
-It causes cancer, according to The Daily Mail.
Correct. Next category...
-Can't Get No Satisfaction.
That last one was Just Like Starting Over, from John Lennon.
But it's the end of the quiz.
Final scores. Great Believers, you've got a very impressive 16
but the winners, with 20 points, are the Free Speakers.
-Congratulations to you. And congratulations to you!
Very well done, everybody. Thank you all for coming to play.
That's it, time to send our star guests home from the front line of the quizzing war.
Inevitably, they'll be a little shell-shocked.
From now on, whenever they hear a door slam,
they'll hit the deck, whimpering, "Are they all cube routes of pi?"
Please do support this year's Children in Need appeal
and give something if you can. Goodbye.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
Victoria Coren hosts a very special celebrity edition of the quiz where, as in life itself, knowledge will only take you so far and where patience and lateral thinking are also vital.
In this Pudsey Special, two teams of clever celebrities prepare to lose their dignity in honour of Children in Need. The cunning wiles of the Great Believers (Nick Hornby, Dame Joan Bakewell and John Lloyd) take on the combined brains of the Free Speakers (Ian Hislop, Simon Singh and John Sessions).
So join Victoria if you want to know what connects Erté, Hergé, Jeep and Esso.