Champion of Champions: Crossworders vs Epicureans Only Connect

Hello and welcome to what may prove a historic Only Connect clash,

between champions and champions.

For tonight, our series one and two champs, the Crossworders,

will take on our series three and four winners, the Epicureans.

You may think, with such a huge quizzing battle,

that our friendly show could descend

into bitterness and hostility.

But, in a shock twist,

the captains of the rival teams tonight are husband and wife,

so there should be bitterness and hostility right from the start.

Who are these great rivals?

On my right - Aaron Bell,

an Internet bookmaker

and Oxford graduate who plays cricket for his local village team.

David Brewis,

a chemistry schoolmaster

and amateur magician with an interest in aviation.

And their captain, Katie Bramall-Stainer, a GP partner

with a passion for art and an interest in medico-politics.

United by their love of expensive wines and fine dining,

they are the Epicureans.

Katie, you're the series four champions.

You also defeated the series three champions, the Gamblers.

How have the Epicureans' lives been transformed?

It's been business as usual, really.

I think it's been more stressful for our cat, Boodles.

She vomited over one of the trophies in our living room window the other week.

It was David's trophy so is that a blessing, is that a curse?

We'll have to find out.

-The cat vomited on the trophy?

-Indeed.

-Everyone's a critic.

Let's see who you're meeting tonight.

On my left, in the red corner,

it's Mark Grant,

a criminology graduate and practising accountant

with an interest in urban geography and classical music.

Ian Bayley,

a computer sciences lecturer at Oxford Brookes University

who enjoys American and Russian history

and listening to the music of Tchaikovsky.

And their captain, David Stainer,

a politics, philosophy and economics graduate and Exeter FC supporter

who works as a solicitor for a leading London law firm.

They are united by their love of cryptic crosswords.

We know them as the greatest team in Only Connect history.

They are the Crossworders.

David, you won the first series of Only Connect,

beating the Birkbeck Alumni, the Edinburgh Scrabblers,

the Science Writers and the Lapsed Psychologists.

You also beat the Rugby Boys in the Champion of Champions

and the amazing Alex Guttenplan

and the University Challengers in a special.

Tonight, it's your own wife. How are you feeling?

Somewhat nervous. They're a very good team, who were

very, very convincing in winning the fourth series and the play-off against the Gamblers so I think

we're going to need to be on our very best form tonight to win again and maintain that winning run.

I like your humility.

Let's get this tug-of-war underway.

Round One, I think you will remember, teams.

I simply want to know what is the connection between four apparently random clues.

But if you come in after fewer than four clues, you can get more points.

Epicureans, you won the toss but you decided to put the Crossworders in first.

So, Crossworders, please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Water.

-Water.

The first clue of the champion of champions of champions

of champions special coming up now.

Next.

Invented by a guy called Baldwin.

Invented by a guy called...

Nothing to do with team sizes.

Volley is six. Basketball, five.

But it's not an orders round. Next.

Is it a particular city or a particular state?

Oh, yeah, they could be.

Invented in Chicago?

-Was it Massachusetts?

-Was it Boston?

Ten seconds.

Next.

Five seconds.

BELL

Invented in Boston, Massachusetts.

Not the connection, I'm afraid, so

a possible bonus for the Epicureans.

I think they are all invented but...

-Yeah, yeah. What shall we go for?

-What's your answer?

Er, they're all of American origin.

No, it's to do with their invention.

And, funnily enough, I think they all began in America

but you know we're more precise than that here.

This is the connection...

they were all invented or inaugurated at YMCAs.

Volleyball and basketball first played at YMCAs.

Toastmasters International first met at a YMCA in California.

And Fathers' Day first celebrated in 1910, at a YMCA in Washington state.

So no points there.

Epicureans please pick a question.

Two reeds, please. MUSICAL NOTE

Ah! The music question, or sound. You'll be hearing your clues.

First one coming up now.

# Panic on the streets... #

That's Panic by The Smiths.

But it is Panic, exclamation mark.

Bear that in mind.

Next.

# Baby, your mind is a radio... #

It's Talking Heads.

Baby, my mind is a radio, like a receiver.

DJ. Is that DJs, hang the DJ and panic?

-Maybe.

-Next.

# ..boy child's comin', gonna be

# He's gonna be a Rollin' Stone... #

Otis Redding?

No, no, no, it's John Lee Hooker.

-Ten seconds.

-Next.

# I'd sit alone... #

Yeah, it's all radio. So it's all about songs including radios, DJs.

BELL

Er, songs mentioning radio and DJs.

I'm afraid they do not so there's a possible bonus chance

for the Crossworders here.

I think they're songs that inspired the names of other acts.

You had Radiohead by Talking Heads.

You had Radio Gaga by Queen - Lady Gaga.

I think it may be Panic! at the Disco,

the well-known emo band who were inspired by Panic by the Smiths.

I've got no idea what the third piece of music was.

Nevertheless, it's a brilliant answer. You get the bonus point.

The third piece was Muddy Waters' Rollin' Stone.

Ah, yeah, could have worked it out.

They are songs that inspired the names of other performing artists.

Well done, Crossworders.

You win the right to choose your own question.

Eye of Horus, please.

The Eye of Horus.

What is the connection here? First one coming up now.

OK, next.

It's not just arithmetical, is it ?

Yeah, could be.

Are they the letters? Q is 17, B is 15.

No, I don't think it is, then.

A Queen is to Bishop?

-Shall we go next?

-Yeah.

-Ten seconds.

-Next.

What can Z possibly stand for? There aren't too many things.

Buzz in if you want to guess.

No, I don't think we've got a clue.

OK, another bonus chance for the Epicureans.

I don't think we've got an answer, I'm afraid.

Now, imagine that these letters were in lower case.

-Ah!

-Ah!

If they were in lower case then the second letter would be

the first letter upside-down.

First letter is the second letter upside-down, IF in lowercase.

So, Epicureans, please see if you

can get off the zero with your next question.

-Twisted flax, please.

-Twisted flax. First clue coming up now.

I know that name but I can't think of what it is.

Next.

'86, '66, '46, '26?

I don't know. Shall we go next? Next.

Oh, it's Time's Person of the year.

OK, it's not.

Was he Prime Minister in that year?

He became prime minister in...

Oh, presidents... no, it's only Europe.

Became prime ministers of their respective countries?

It's got to be more specific than that. Shall we go one more? Next.

Next.

You've got ten seconds.

Are they vice presidents who assumed office?

Yeah, they obviously assumed office in those years.

-On the death of the...

-Yeah.

BELL

Er, they were premiers who assumed office in those years,

on the death of their predecessor.

I'll accept that.

They assumed power after their predecessors died,

in fact, were assassinated.

They all came to power after assassinations.

Lyndon B Johnson followed JFK.

Lord Liverpool followed Spencer Perceval, who was shot,

the British Prime Minister.

John Vorster in South Africa

succeeded Hendrik Verwoerd, who was stabbed.

And Ingvar Carlsson, a Swedish prime minister who succeeded

Olof Palme who was shot in 1986.

So you get the point. You're off the blocks. Well done.

The Crossworders to pick a question.

Horned viper, please.

Horned viper, OK.

Your first clue is coming up now.

Next.

Is that the definition of something?

Are they? Yeah, maybe they are.

Do you think we go for one more or should we... Next.

Is it something you mark with a line underneath it?

Erm, no, you mark it with two bars on either side.

Shall we go with it or shall we go next?

-No idea.

-Next.

They were Jack Absolute. Yeah, it's all to do with that.

BELL

-Absolute.

-Lucky you took that fourth clue.

They are all absolutes, the protagonists in The Rivals called absolute.

Magnitude of a real number, I think I heard you say.

Syntactic independence, that's a sub-clause,

independent of the rest of the sentence. That's an absolute.

And transcending existence exists by its own nature.

Very well done. And back to the Epicureans.

-Lion, please.

-That's the one that remains.

These are going to be picture clues. What do they have in common?

Time starts now.

Is that a hotel of some description?

Next.

That's the Cenotaph.

Was the first one that thing in Copenhagen?

Shall we go next? Next.

So that's the London Eye.

It's by the Shell building.

Have they been moved? Next.

Oh, they were originally designed as temporary structures.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excellent.

BELL

Buildings that were originally intended to be temporary constructs

but are now permanent.

That's it, with just a few seconds to spare.

They were all intended to be temporary but were permanent.

You didn't recognise the first picture?

-Is it in Copenhagen?

-That is the Young Vic Theatre.

-Is it?

That was meant to be temporary. It's now over 40 years old.

The Cenotaph - originally built in wood and was just going to be temporary,

but they replaced it in stone and, of course, it's still there.

The London Eye got planning permission for five years, I think.

And the Eiffel Tower - built for the exhibition and still there.

They were all meant to be temporary, though.

Well done. That means, at the end of Round One,

the Epicureans have got two points.

The Crossworders have also got two points.

Round Two - sequences. What's fourth in the sequence?

That is what I'll be asking. Kicking off again with the Crossworders.

Please pick a hieroglyph.

-Eye of Horus.

-All right.

You may come in after as many clues as you think you need,

but I want to know what's fourth.

First one coming up now.

Next.

Something became a republic.

No, we want the fourth, don't we?

First, second, third, fourth.

The fourth began in '45. Is that right?

Yeah, are we talking 1945, shall we go with that?

BELL

1945.

I'm afraid not.

So I'll show the third in the sequence to the Epicureans.

If you can tell me what's fourth, there's a bonus point.

-I think it is French republic.

-Shall we try...

-I can't let you chat.

Please give me an answer.

-1956.

-That's not it, either.

Now, Crossworders, I think you had the right answer for the connection,

-which is they're years of the first four French republics.

-Yeah.

-Next - 1946.

-Ow!

You were out by a year. When de Gaulle resigned - 1946.

So, right connection, wrong answer, I'm afraid.

-Epicureans, please pick a question.

-Twisted flax, please.

-OK.

First in a sequence coming up now.

Next.

Are they the signs of different angles?

-I'd go for one more.

-Next.

Yeah, are they what you said?

I think it's approaching something.

I would say one, to be honest.

Is it sines or cosines?

Well, that's gone less than...

-Five seconds.

-Is it zero?

-One.

BELL

One.

Are you doing that quiz thing where, if you don't know the answer,

say Red Rum, Muhammad Ali or one?

-Yes.

-Well, I am, but they're quite good at maths.

-I was once.

Not, I'm afraid, in this case. That is not the answer I'm looking for.

Crossworders, do you want to have a go?

We think it could be one half, or one over two.

Because it's the sine of 30.

The previous one is the sine of 45.

The one before that is the sine of 60 degrees.

And, I imagine, the one before that is the sine of 75,

although I don't know for certain.

You've crawled your way there brilliantly.

It is the cosine of 15, 30, 45 and 60 degrees

and a half would be the fourth in that sequence.

Very well done.

I don't mind telling you that's the sort of question that

I see in my nightmares.

I wake up screaming with visions like that in my head.

Well done, you. And it's your own turn to play a sequence question.

-Water.

-All right.

First one coming up now.

That's a depression.

Shall we go next? Next.

Are they the four deepest depressions in the world?

So, Dead Sea... I can't remember what the second one is.

Turfan's in China. It's near Rongqi.

So Dead Sea or Death Valley?

Well, Dead Sea's the deepest in the world, isn't it?

So if it's the four deepest in the world...shall we go with it?

-Or shall we go next?

-Go next.

-Next.

I mean, they're not all in Africa. Turfan's in Asia.

I think Lake Assal's Djibouti. I think that's the second.

BELL

Death Valley?

No, I think it's Dead Sea. Dead Sea.

Crossworders, you should go with the courage of your convictions.

You should've come in after two clues. It is Dead Sea.

You saw three clues so get two points. Well done.

I think you're all warmed up. They are the four deepest depressions

on the Earth's surface and the deepest would be the Dead Sea.

Back to you, then, Epicureans.

-Two reeds, please.

-All right.

These are going to be picture clues.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture?

First one coming up now.

That is Casanova.

-Is it?

-Next.

I don't know who that is.

-Shall we go next?

-Next.

Is that George III or someone like that?

-Or George Washington?

-No, it's not George Washington.

It looks more like George III. I can't really see.

-Do we have any idea of the second one?

-No.

-Shall we go for...

-Five seconds.

Who was the first Prime Minister?

Just tell me.

Erm, Peel. Robert Peel?

BELL

Time's up, I'm afraid.

Over to the Crossworders for a possible bonus point.

Well, I think we'll go for Edward Elgar,

on no better basis that we think it may be something to do with

£20 notes and I seem to recall he was on one.

But numismatism is very much not my speciality.

Are you doing that thing of when you're in a quiz,

guess that it's things you see on £20 notes?

-Yes.

-Mm. You're not right, either.

Now, what if I were to tell you that the people you were looking at

are Immanuel Kant, Martin Heidegger, and David Hume?

-Philosophers song.

-It is the philosophers song from Monty Python.

-And next in the sequence would be...

-Schopenhauer?

Yeah, actually there is a version of the song with Schopenhauer.

I was looking for Hegel. I'd have taken either.

The philosophers song.

It's just recognising those philosophers.

Too few picture books featuring them, I think.

It's all words, words, words.

Right, no points on that one.

-Crossworders, your turn to choose a question.

-Lion, please.

Lion. OK, here's the first one now.

Next. Next.

High court judges, something like that?

Oh, Supreme Court, yeah. So you've got that...

Sotomayor's the most recent, isn't she?

No, I don't think she is.

-I think she's Elenora Kagan.

-Really?

-More recent, I think.

More recent than... OK, well...

I'm pretty certain that she is slightly more recent,

so I think we going to go with that.

-BELL

-Kagan.

The answer is Kagan and, as I think you know,

they are the female justices from the US Supreme Court.

First was Sandra Day O'Connor.

It's in order of appointment and the most recent - Elena Kagan,

appointed in 2010.

Very well done.

And back to the Epicureans. No choice for you.

It will be the horned viper.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

First one coming up now.

Next.

What do you think it might be?

I can't think of anything.

Oh, is it...

Could be. Shall we go next?

-Yes.

-Next.

Orange? Is it Space Invaders?

I'm not sure it is Space Invaders because the blue ones...

I'd go orange.

I think it might be Space Invaders.

-Shall we go for it?

-Go for it.

BELL

Row 4 equals orange.

-For what reason?

-Space invaders?

I'm afraid that's not the answer.

Space invaders?! Is that even in colour?

That was a strange black and white thing

-you played in the pub if your parents let you in, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

Not the right answer. Possible bonus to the Crossworders.

Well, I think we might have said orange, too. But row 4 equals red.

-For what reason?

-We don't know.

-Rainbow flag?

Yeah, we think maybe the rainbow flag, the gay pride flag.

I am frankly...

disgusted with the lot of you.

With the lot of you!

These are the colours of the rows in a solved

Only Connect Connecting Wall.

Row 4 - turquoise.

Do you know? It's like you don't watch the show.

-No.

-Marvellous.

-You don't care, do you?

You won, took your trophies home, forgot about us.

Never mind us, sitting here, playing our Connecting Walls.

You didn't even... Space Invaders?! I'm horrified!

I can barely bring myself to give the scores.

But I must, otherwise we'll never go home.

At the end of Round Two,

the Epicureans have got two points,

but the Crossworders are ahead with eight.

Time for the Connecting Wall.

16 clues to be sorted into four connected groups of four.

Should you so choose, you can play these Connecting Walls online,

at the same time as we play them here.

But I've had a look at them and, frankly, I shouldn't bother, if I were you.

Epicureans, though, you have no choice.

You are going to play the Connecting Wall.

In fact, you do have one choice. Would you like lion or water?

Water, please.

You have got two and a half minutes to solve this wall, starting now.

OK, we've got emergency things.

Well, the Love Bug, the most obvious thing about that is Herbie.

What does orange smoke mean, in terms of Vatican choices?

Are these things that denote an emergency?

Could it be orange smoke, code red, a flare...

-Channel 16?

-112 is an international one.

112! Yes, yes, yes.

-Those two are both viruses.

-Oh, good, yes.

-And so is Anna Kournikova.

-Suicide virus?

-Maybe windmill.

-Maybe NC.

Shall we go for orange smoke, flare, code red and 112?

-Do that with Channel 16.

-112 has to be an emergency.

-NC. NC.

No, no, keep the others in. Sorry.

You've used a minute.

Leave out flare. What's NC anyway?

-Don't know.

-Leave out orange smoke?

-What's Melissa?

-Melissa's a virus, so is the Love Bug.

So is Anna Kournikova.

So shall we just try something else?

-What about 1990?

-We tried that.

OK, just think about other things and I'll do these.

Windmill virus.

OK, good.

So we've got things that denote emergencies. That probably could be.

That almost certainly is. That probably is and that is.

-But have we tried those ones?

-Windmill won't be that, will it?

What is Channel 16?

What's the other group?

That's what I'm trying to think.

Suicide girls.

Windmill - Moulin Rouge? Something that could be red.

A colour?

What happened in 1990? It was the World Cup.

Yeah, but there's no other year.

-Shall we start putting some in?

-Yes, yes.

-Shall we go for the other ones?

You've got 30 seconds.

-We've done all these.

-Yeah, we have, haven't we?

Maybe they're not right, then.

Do you think a windmill is an emergency thing?

Could it be a semaphore or something like that?

-Channel 16 - I think we did those.

-We didn't try windmill.

You've got one attempt now.

And you're under ten seconds.

-Try windmill?

-OK.

Three seconds. No, that's it.

OK, well, you've got two groups - that's two points.

And I'll give you two more if you can tell me the connections.

Blue, A1, 911, East 17.

-Er, they're pop groups.

-Boy bands.

-Boy bands, more specifically, yeah.

They're boy bands.

The Love Bug, code red, Melissa, Anna Kournikova.

Computer viruses.

They were controversial, worldwide computer viruses.

Now, you can still get points for the connections in the groups

you didn't find, so let's resolve the wall.

NC, Channel 16, orange smoke, 112.

-Warnings.

-Things that sort of request help for an emergency.

You know, like dialling 999, that sort of thing.

I'll take it. They're means by which a distress signal can be sent.

But you get the bonus point.

And the last group - suicide, flare, 1990, Windmill.

Mass... no, don't know.

Let there be no shame in and not getting that group.

If anything, I like you more for it. It's about hip-hop.

They're acrobatic dance moves.

But you get two points for the groups you found and three more bonus points.

That's a total of five.

Time to bring back the fearsome Crossworders,

see what they can do with the Connecting Wall.

16 new clues, of course.

Crossworders, you must sort it into four connected groups of four.

You've got two and a half minutes to do that.

Starting now.

Monoid is to do with philosophy.

Group, ring and monoid are together.

-Group, ring, monoid and field.

-What are they?

Mathematical terms.

Webster - sort of language books? Partridge.

Yeah, Partridge and Fowler.

Grove is a dictionary.

Wormold is Our Man in Havana.

Lime is also from Graham Greene.

-Who else is, though?

-Grove, maybe?

-Pulling?

-No idea.

No, OK, I'm just guessing now, aren't I?

OK, dictionaries. Maybe Fowler's not really a dictionary, is it?

Yeah, OK.

What's the... oh, great!

Lime goes with Wormold.

Yeah, I bet Fowler is. I mean Fowler's a surname.

I would have thought... massive bodies, ideal bodies.

-Yeah.

-Ideal...

What's Funland?

-Something starting with, something ending with?

-Yeah.

-Or can be preceded by...

-Yeah, could be.

-Are they different countries by one? Finland.

-Oh, yeah.

Lima? No!

Fenland? No.

Can you have an ideal gas but not an ideal anything else?

We're not going to take anything but we've got Wormold, lime,

and we're not really sure, but we think probably Fowler cos...

I mean, Fowler and Pulling are the only two that could be surnames

so what on earth is the connection between...

You've got a minute left.

Super-massive?

Massive retaliation?

Ideal gas constant?

What is it, three bodies rule?

The three-bodied problem, yes.

Is there something in Funland?

-Yeah, I...

-Where is Funland, anyway?

I've just got no idea. It means nothing to me.

Shall we try these because if we're...

There you go. You've solved the wall. That's four points immediately

and there are more points available if you know the connections.

Field, Ring, Group, Monoid.

-Mathematical terms.

-It could be again maybe. Oh, yes.

These are mathematical terms for structured sets.

They are terms in

structural algebra, exactly.

Next group - Johnson, Webster, Grove, Partridge.

They're the authors of dictionaries.

Simply that. Dictionary writers.

Lime, Wormold, Pulling, Fowler.

The central characters of Graham Greene novels.

They're characters in Graham Greene novels.

And the last one - Ideal, Massive, Funland, Bodies.

-Good luck.

-Mm-hm!

Well, erm...

I can't give you a long think.

-No, er...

-Types of gases?

VICTORIA LAUGHS

In a way, yes. They're programmes on BBC3.

Nevertheless, four points for solving the wall,

three more for the connections you found. That's a total of seven.

Let's see what it does to the scores going into Round Four.

The Epicureans have got seven points

but the Crossworders are ahead with 15.

How are you feeling, Crossworders, confident?

Not exactly confident, knowing how good they are on the vowels

but we're pleased to have a lead.

And we will try and defend, or even extend, it.

Let's play Round Four. This is the Missing Vowels Round.

We've taken out the vowels, we've squitched up the consonants.

What are the hidden names, phrases or sayings?

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

The first group are all things that begin with three vowels.

-Crossworders?

-Aeolian harp.

-Correct.

Don't know this one. It's Eau de Cologne. Next clue.

-Epicureans?

-Ouija board.

-Correct.

-Epicureans?

-Aioli.

-Correct.

Next category...

-Crossworders?

-The... er...

-No, I'm afraid not!

-Sorry.

-You lose a point.

Possible bonus, Epicureans.

-The Lion King Kong.

-That's correct. Next clue.

-Epicureans?

-The Pelican Brief Encounter.

-Correct.

-Epicureans?

-There's Something About Mary Poppins.

-Correct.

Next clue.

-Epicureans?

-It's a Wonderful Life of Brian.

-Correct.

Next category...

-Epicureans?

-The Gabba.

It is, for Australian rules football. Next clue.

Don't know this one. It's American football.

The Louisiana Superdome. Next clue.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

That last one was the Odsal Stadium for rugby league.

But, after a nail-biting Round Four, looking at the scores,

the Epicureans have got 14 points.

But, remaining unbeaten in the history of Only Connect,

champion of champion of champion of champions,

with 15 points,

it's the Crossworders!

Very well done.

Well done, you, too, Epicureans. Just one point in it. Horrible!

But it's all over and we know the result.

We've watched a husband beating his wife.

And, if you enjoy that kind of spectacle,

don't miss the EastEnders Christmas special!

Goodbye.

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