Only Connect vs Mastermind Special - Crossworders vs Masterminders Only Connect

Who would win in a battle between a shark and a bear?

The old joke says, it depends if it's a home or away match.

Keep that in mind as I tell you that tonight, in a very special episode of Only Connect,

those fishy predators from this ocean of lateral thinking,

the Crossworders, will be taking on

a team of roaring killers from the woods of Mastermind.

In a moment, I'll ask the producer to open the sluice gates and fill the studio with water.

But first, before their speech is hampered by the snorkels,

let's say hello to the teams.

On my right, Mark Grant,

an accountant

and former amateur boxer with a passion for Benjamin Britten.

Ian Bayley, an Oxford computation graduate

and committed Doctor Who fan,

who now works as a senior lecturer at Oxford Brookes University.

And their captain, David Stainer,

a practising solicitor and '80s pop fan who hails from Guildford.

They remain undefeated champions of Only Connect. They are the...

David, your team's seen off quite a few opponents.

What's been the toughest opposition?

Well, I think it was probably my wife's team, the Epicureans.

They were very tough and came roaring back in the Missing Vowels round

and we were lucky to beat them by the skin of our teeth, I think.

But we've had a number of very tricky opponents

and I'm sure we'll face some further ones today.

Did the Epicureans pretend to be happy for you afterwards?

No, I'm not sure they went that far,

but they weren't too violent in their defeat either.

Let's see if you remain the undefeated champions

because tonight, you are meeting, on my left...

MASTERMIND THEME TUNE

..Gavin Fuller, a newspaper librarian who is to date

the youngest ever winner of Mastermind,

winning the 1993 series at the age of 24.

Stephen Allen, actor and director, who was the 1991 series champion,

choosing King Henry VII as his specialist subject.

And their captain, Nancy Dickmann, a publisher

and aspiring novelist who won Mastermind in 2009.

They are all series champions of the BBC quiz that pretends it's tough.

They are the...

So, Nancy, how do you feel about your opposition?

Well, they're obviously a very strong team

but I think this team brings a lot to the table

and I have beat Ian once before,

so here's hoping I can make it two in a row.

Do you tend to score highly if you watch Only Connect?

Yes, but probably not as highly as the Crossworders,

so I'm very dependent on these two guys at either side of me.

Well, let's see what you can do.

We'll need to play the quiz in order to establish that.

Let's begin with round one, where I simply want to know,

what is the connection between four apparently random clues?

Crossworders, you won the toss but rather cruelly,

you are sending the newcomers in first.

Masterminders, please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

We'll have twisted flax, please.

That is going to be the musical sound question.

You'll be hearing your clues.

Shout "next" if you want to hear another one.

Your time starts now.

MUSIC: "5th Symphony" by Gustav Mahler

-I don't know what it is, do you?

-Mahler.

-Mahler, is it?

-Shall we have another?

-Yeah.

-Next please.

MUSIC: "La Serenissima" by Rondo Veneziano

That's Venice in Peril by Rondo Veneziano.

-It could be Venice.

-Death In Venice, the film.

-Do you want to go for that, or do you want to have another?

-Up to you.

Are you pretty confident? BELL

The connection is Venice.

Welcome to Only Connect, Masterminders,

the connection IS Venice.

You recognised it was Mahler - Mahler's 5th,

which is the music from Death In Venice.

You came in during La Serenissima,

the Serene Republic of Venice, that's named after.

We'd have heard something from The Gondoliers, the Gilbert and Sullivan

and We Open In Venice, from Kiss Me Kate.

But you didn't need it.

You get three points.

Looks like you could have

some real opposition tonight, Crossworders.

-Please pick a question.

-Lion, please.

-All right.

First clue coming up now.

Next.

That's sort of a code for something, I guess.

-Shall we say next?

-Next.

-Something to do with D-Day?

-Could be, couldn't it?

-Yeah.

-Radio codes for...? Shall we go for the last one?

-Yeah.

Next, please.

-Do we know where that is, at all?

-That could be Pearl Harbor.

Shall we say military code words to start operations?

BELL

We think they might be military codes to commence certain operations.

I'm going to accept it. You've gone a bit too specific,

but they are coded signals. That is absolutely right.

"It's a boy!" That was a telegram to say that the H-bomb

-had been detonated.

-Big Boy, yes!

The cricket one, Donald Bradman,

that was the Allies' signal of

the attack on the Monte Cassino monastery.

Do you know the third one?

-The Battle of Guernica, maybe?

-The Spanish Civil War.

It was the radio message

that triggered the coup in the Spanish Civil War.

And "Climb Mount Nitaka"?

-I guessed Pearl Harbor?

-The signal to start bombing Pearl Harbor.

Grisly coded signals was the connection there,

so you're off the blocks with a point.

Back to the Masterminders to pick a question.

-Horned viper, please.

-OK. First clue, coming up now.

-Could be snake?

-Viper?

-Next, please.

Those are animals, obviously.

Do you get adders in Australia, which is where possums are from?

Next, please.

Squire? Oh, um...

Could be something about the words, some word trick?

-Shall we have another?

-Oh!

-Wait... Next, please.

Nottingham...

-Five seconds.

-Robin Hood?

BELL

-Something to do with Robin Hood, possibly?

-Oh yes?

What has the second clue to do with Robin Hood?

Well, perhaps somebody's nickname was Possum Joe?

-It sounds a bit Robin Hood.

-One of his Merry Men.

-Possum Joe?!

They weren't American!

That's not the connection.

The Crossworders have a possible bonus chance.

I think they're things

that their name came from losing the first letter.

So, opossum, esquire and I think Nottingham was called Snottingham.

I don't know about adder.

Adder, I do know about.

An adder used to be called a nadder,

and then, the "N" was moved from nadder to "A".

You are absolutely right.

Nadder was Old English for adder.

Opossum, esquire, Nottingham was once called Snottingham

after a Saxon chief

who was named delightfully, Snot.

That's a bonus point to you. Well done.

You may now choose your question.

-Water.

-All right.

What do you think the connection is here? Have a look at the first clue.

-That's probably a chess game, isn't it?

-Yes.

Shall we go next?

-Could be a whitewash. He did do a couple.

-Oh, yeah?

-Next.

Baby kidnap...

Oh, by Bruno Hauptmann...

-Shall we go next?

-Yeah.

-Next.

-That was the subject.

-That was the first thing he did.

-It was crime of the century.

-Yes.

-Things "of the century".

BELL

Things that were billed something "of the century".

Ball of the century, the bowl that caught Gatting out.

The Lindergh baby kidnap, the crime of the century, I presume.

It was the game of the century, Byrne and Fischer.

Yes, Byrne and Fischer, '56,

not any old chess game but the game of the century.

The crime of the century,

the ball of the century,

inexplicable cricketing nonsense,

and we would have seen The Quiz of the Week,

the sale of the century, that was.

Well done. You're quite right.

Masterminders, please choose a question.

Eye of Horus, please.

All right, here's your first clue, coming up now.

-Could be naked.

-Played by John Hurt.

Next, please.

-Iran?

-Notable homosexual?

-No.

Ahmadinejad, that's in Iran, isn't it?

-Shall we have another?

-Yeah.

-Next, please.

He was killed, is that right? Am I thinking of the right person?

-Quentin Crisp...

-10 seconds.

-Get the next one.

-Next, please.

Two sisters, crazy hair? Any ideas?

No, your time is up.

Possible bonus for the Crossworders.

Erm... Blue?

Talk me through that.

Marge Simpson has hair of that colour, the others may be connected

with the colour blue in increasingly less obscure ways.

Quentin Crisp dyed his hair as well.

Quentin Crisp dyed his hair - maybe that's the answer.

And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

is a big fan of QPR, the Hoops.

It's not blue! Now, you don't know this one.

I'm not surprised. They all presented

the Alternative Christmas Message

on Channel 4.

Quentin Crisp in 1993, the President of Iran, Ahmadinejad, in 2008.

The Lawrences in 1998 and in 2004, it was Marge Simpson.

Of the many things Marge Simpson and Quentin Crisp have in common,

in this case it was the Alternative Christmas message.

There's one question remaining - the two reeds.

I'm guessing this will be the picture question

as we haven't had it yet.

Here's the first clue.

-Don't know who that is.

-It isn't Dakota Fanning?

Next.

Slobodan Milosevic.

THEY CONFER

Next.

-Liberia?

-Liberia...

-Yeah, it is Liberia.

-Liberia... Shall we go next?

-Yes.

Next.

-Lieutenant Uhura, of course. From Star Trek.

-Uhura means something.

-Liberia means free.

-Free?

-Five seconds.

-Freed?

-Yeah, freedom.

-BELL

-Freedom.

-Very good.

Their names all mean freedom.

That is Saoirse Ronan, the actress.

Saoirse means freedom in Gaelic. Slobodan means that in Slavic.

Uhura in Swahili and Liberia, land or place of freedom.

Their names all mean "freedom". Well done to you.

At the end of round one, then,

the Masterinders have three points,

but the Crossworders are ahead at this point, with five.

Round two is the sequences round.

This time, I want the teams

to tell me what the fourth clue would be if I showed it to them.

Masterminders, you'll be going first again. Please pick a question.

-Horned viper, please.

-OK, the first in a sequence is coming up.

What do you think the fourth would be? Time starts now.

It is a question mark exclamation mark.

Next, please.

Ah. Er... I think we need another.

Next, please.

Could the fourth one be a question mark?

What could the possible connection be?

-Try question mark. I can't see it.

-Yeah.

Doesn't make any sense to me.

BELL

-A single question mark.

-I'm afraid not.

Possible bonus, Crossworders.

I think it's two exclamation marks,

and I think it's the quality of chess moves in commentary, moving up,

and two exclamation marks means brilliancy.

You are absolutely right, two exclamation marks to you.

It's to do with commentary on chess moves.

Question mark, exclamation mark - dubious, probably a mistake.

The one after that - interesting, could be good.

Exclamation mark for a good move, and double exclamation mark,

as David says, for a really good move.

Well done, Crossworders. Your turn.

-Eye of Horus, please.

-All right, first in a sequence coming up now.

That rings a strong bell, that.

-That's in Tunisia, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Shall we go next? Next.

-Holy places in Islam?

-Yeah, are they? Oh, yeah, yes.

So what is the...?

Is Medina second? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BELL Mecca.

Oh, you guys are all warmed up -

you even know what second would have been.

They are the four holiest cities in Islam.

Medina would have been next, and the holiest, of course, Mecca.

Three points to you, in after two clues.

Come on, Masterminders,

-I know you can do it. Which question would you like?

-Two reeds, please.

OK, first in the sequence coming up now.

Excellent(!)

Is it something to do with pi?

Oh... That wouldn't be a sequence, would it?

Next, please.

Could they be a measurement of something?

Yeah, from inches to centimetres or...?

I don't know what the sequence would be. Next, please.

Now, that is pi. So, is it close approximations?

-Do you just do it in decimal?

-Try it.

BELL

3.14159...blah, blah, blah?

I could let you keep talking for several days,

but I'm afraid it's not the answer.

So, a possible bonus to the Crossworders.

-The least accurate would be 3/1.

-Oh, are they getting less accurate?

-Yes, they are.

-What is this, a chat?

It's not a coffee morning!

OK, 3, 3/1.

3/1, or 3. You were right, Masterminders,

they are rational approximations of pi -

getting less accurate, not more.

So, next along in the sequence would be 3.

Close, but not quite close enough, I'm afraid.

-Crossworders?

-Water, please.

All right. First in the sequence coming up now.

-Next?

-Yeah.

-Next.

-OK, it's UN Secretary-Generals.

-Oh, yeah, course.

So, which year was...?

Who is it now?

-Kofi Annan, then...

-2007?

Ban Ki-moon...

It must be to do with lengths of term, mustn't it?

It's just what year he took over, isn't it?

Yeah, so we need to add ten.

-I think it's just when they started, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Kofi Annan only had one term.

-So, what...?

-No, he had two terms.

-What year did Ban Ki-moon...?

-Five seconds.

Yeah, OK. BELL

2007, South Korea.

You're right again.

They are the successions of the UN Secretary-Generals.

Can you tell me who the people were that took the role in those years

and came from those countries?

Ban Ki-moon, South Korea.

Ghana was Kofi Annan. Egypt was Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

And Peru, I think, was Javier Perez de Cuellar.

Perez de Cuellar, that's absolutely right, for the points.

Very well done. OK, Masterminders,

I have a strong sense

you're going to score highly on this next question. Which would you like?

Which will we score more highly on?! Lion, please.

All right. What is the fourth in this sequence? Time starts now.

Lord Home, so that would be Wilson, Heath... Oh, God.

-Oh, are these...?

-Callaghan... It would be...

-Grantham.

-Grantham? Are you confident about that?

Do you want another one?

-You know?

-Yeah, I'd say Grantham.

-BELL

Grantham, I'm told.

I love your bravery, coming in after one clue,

but unfortunately in this case,

it might have helped you to see more. I must show

the next two clues to the Crossworders.

And can you tell me quickly what you think would come fourth?

Cardiff, so it's after Callaghan. Grantham and Kesteven, is it?

-No, her actual constituency...

-Not a chat. Do you have an answer?

-What is it?

-Grantham and Kesteven. Kes-te-ven.

Do you know, I'm not going to take it.

Because if you look at the other three,

there's no "and",

I'm not seeing two places - that is not precise enough.

The answer is Kesteven.

-Really? My gosh.

-Because what they are is

the names that were adopted

by former Prime Ministers

when they took peerages, and sequentially, that's Hirsel,

Alec Douglas-Home, Harold Wilson, Rievaulx, James Callaghan, Cardiff,

and Margaret Thatcher became Baroness Thatcher of Kesteven.

So, the names not original names, but that they took on.

No points there, but Crossworders,

the twisted flax remains.

I can tell you the clues will come in the form of pictures.

Here's the first one.

-That's some sort of daisy or aster, maybe?

-Next.

-That's Hilary Swank.

-OK, past Hilary, Trinity...

-Ah, yes.

-Oh, yeah, what is it, terms?

-There are only three, aren't there?

Michaelmas, Hilary... Are they legal quarters?

They're quarters - so what's the fourth quarter?

-Shall we go next?

-Yeah.

-Next.

-Easter.

-Easter, Michaelmas...

-Easter, so what's after Easter?

Trinity comes after the Easter break, doesn't it?

So, a picture of the Trinity.

BELL Trinity?

What do you expect in the picture?

Something representing the Trinity.

The Holy Trinity. We chose Trinity College, Cambridge.

What's the reason?

Oxbridge... Oxford terms are Michaelmas, Hilary and Trinity,

with Easter in between. Is it something more like legal...?

I mean, I should know this for definite, shouldn't I?

I think you should.

Terms in the law year, traditional sittings.

Michaelmas, Hilary, Easter and then Trinity.

You told me the fourth in the sequence, so you do get the points.

That means at the end of Round Two,

the Masterminders have got three points,

but the Crossworders are ahead with 15.

Time for the Connecting Wall. If your fingers are itchy

and you need to be doing something else at the same time,

I wish I was 12, but the wall is going live online

as the teams play it, so you can play along if you want.

Crossworders, it's you who are under real pressure,

cos you're going to be playing it as part of the show.

What I want to know is, would you like lion or water?

-Lion, please.

-OK, you've got two and a half minutes, starting now.

OK, so types of flag.

No? My word.

Old Trafford, old something else?

I don't know what a Scardino is.

Kirklees... Kirklees and Trafford go together, don't they?

-Metropolitan...

-Boroughs. Wirral, Barnsley?

Ooh, hello! Right.

That doesn't make the flags easier, does it?

What are the possible flags?

-Rosette is one of them. So, swallowtail...

-Let's try.

Missing out pennant.

Missing out rosette.

No, you can have square as well. And you can even have a diamond flag.

-OK.

-Part of the terms in heraldry?

-Like, star...

-We've got female chief executives of...

No, chief executives of companies.

-Scardino.

-There's King.

-Right. OK, what are the ones...?

-We've got star, square...

Actually, all of those could actually be flags, couldn't they?

Yeah. Gosh.

Square and diamond, are they sporting arenas?

Er, well, yeah.

-Swallowtail, as well, is that a bird?

-It's a butterfly.

-Are there any butterflies there?

-No.

-What's a burgee?

-A burgee's definitely some sort...

-A flag you put on a boat.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-I can't remember what we pressed before, either.

I think we pressed... Oh, dear. Star, square...

-Shapes...

-It could be star, square, diamond... Is rosette a shape?

-You've got a minute left.

-Maybe Michelin grades...

-Yeah, it could be.

-AA...

Yeah, it could be Michelin-starred, AA Rosette,

something pennant, and maybe a diamond?

And a square?

You've solved the wall, so that's four points.

Bonuses available for the connections. Wirral, Trafford,

Barnsley, Kirklees.

-I think they're metropolitan boroughs in the north of England.

-Yeah.

They're metropolitan boroughs, that's good enough. Next one.

Bolland, Dudley, King, Scardino.

They are chief executives of British companies.

They're chief executives

of companies in the FTSE 100, that's right.

Next one. Star, pennant, diamond, rosette.

We think they might be things used to grade restaurants.

-An AA rosette, a Michelin star.

-Which?

-AA, probably.

-Yeah, why not? AA.

You jumped correctly.

They are AA awards for guesthouses, hotels and so on.

And the last one. Burgee, swallowtail, square, oriflamme.

-Types of flag.

-They are shapes of flag.

So, Crossworders, you get four points for the groups you found,

four points for the connections you told me.

You get two points for getting all of it. That is the maximum of ten points.

So, it's time to bring back the Masterminders

and see what they can do with the Connecting Wall.

They've never played this before, of course.

Let's hope they aren't too flummoxed by it.

With that welcome ringing in your ears,

Masterminders, I can tell you that the water wall remains for you.

You've got two and a half minutes to solve it. Starting now.

Right. Felix is a cat.

We've got Williamson, Maxwell Davies, Elgar and Bliss.

Masters of the Queen's Music?

-Bliss, Williamson, Bax and Maxwell Davies.

-Right, OK.

Echo...

We've got girls' mags here. Jackie, 19...

-Elgar's a cat, as well, isn't it?

-Is he?

Have we got any other girls' mags?

-Mizz? What about Jaz, Sugar...?

-Yeah, Sugar is.

Let's try them.

OK. Let's think about this, cos we want to get both of them.

-I'm sure Elgar is a cat.

-OK.

Felix obviously is.

Yeah, Felix. And then could it be...?

I think that's too obvious. What are these other ones?

-Jaz, Kill...

-Are these scans?

Jaz and Kill look like they would be

high scores on Scrabble.

-Remember, three strikes and you're out.

-Yeah. Echo...

Probably Jaz is the cat, I would have thought.

But then what do we end up with? Kill, Cat...

Would they all be followed by something?

Kill...

Ping? Ping is the noise a submarine makes.

Yes, you've got echo, which is sonar radar.

-Yeah.

-Scanning, CAT scans, you would have. I don't know about kill scan.

Kill the cat?

No. It's got an onomatopoeic ring, but otherwise...

What on earth could Jaz be? Have you heard of Jaz?

Oh, no, we think that's a cat, yeah.

-Oh, do we know?

-No, just a guess.

Kill, ping...

Ping is somewhat onomatopoeic. I suppose none of the other ones are.

Cat, no. Echo...

Got about 40 seconds.

-We don't actually know for sure which is the cat. Shall we try one?

-Yeah.

I don't know what the other one is.

-BUZZ Not.

-Two attempts now.

-OK.

And 30 seconds.

-Shall we try Ping as a cat?

-Yeah.

-We're not sure about Jaz, are we?

-And then just see.

Are you sure about Whoami being a cat?

Who am I, who am I?

-Ah.

-What on earth is that?

-Try Felix...

-Shall we try Cat?

-Yeah, try Cat.

Whoami, Elgar.

I'm afraid not. The time is up.

Two points for the groups you found, and more available for the connections.

Bax, Williamson, Bliss, Maxwell Davies.

Master of the King's or Queen's Music.

They have held the post Master of the Queen's Music.

Mizz, Jackie, Sugar, 19.

-Girls' magazines.

-They are teenage girls' magazines.

A bit worrying we know that!

I read Seventeen, which I don't think you have over here!

I read only Tolstoy!

You can get points for the groups you didn't find - let's resolve the wall.

Felix, Jaz, Ping, Elgar.

-They are all cats.

-Cats.

They are all characters in the Radio 4 sitcom Ed Reardon's Week.

-Yeah. That's probably why we didn't get it.

-Yeah.

-And the last group.

Kill, Whoami, however you want to pronounce that, Cat and Echo.

Something to do with scans of some sort?

That's not what it is. They are UNIX commands.

They are commands you can type into a computer running the UNIX system.

But pretty good, you found two groups and you got the connections,

so that is four points to you.

Let's see what that does to the scores going into Round Four.

The Masterminders have got seven points,

but the Crossworders are slightly ahead with 25.

How are you finding the experience so far, Masterminders?

It is fun, but somewhat humbling.

-They're getting all the ones we know!

-We didn't get to revise!

But it could yet change

if you have a brilliant Round Four. We take the names,

phrases and sayings, well-known or not so well-known, take out the vowels

and squidge up the consonants.

Teams, what are those disguised clues?

Fingers on buzzers.

The first group are all types of glass.

MASTERMIND THEME PLAYS

Don't know this one? It's soda lime. Next clue.

Crossworders?

-Obsidian.

-Correct.

No? This one's mousseline. Next clue.

-Crossworders?

-Quartz.

-Correct.

Next category, occasions when the National Anthem is played.

-Crossworders?

-Remembrance Day.

-Correct.

-Masterminders?

-England football matches.

-Correct.

-Closedown, Radio Four.

-I'm afraid not, you lose a point.

Masterminders?

-Closedown on Radio Four?

-That's right. There's an extra N.

Closedown ON Radio Four. Next clue.

-Masterminders?

-Royal Variety Performance.

-Correct.

Next category, famous signoffs.

-Crossworders?

-Goodnight children, everywhere.

-From Uncle Mac, correct.

-Masterminders?

-May your God go with you.

-That's Dave Allen, correct.

-Crossworders?

-Don't have nightmares, do sleep well.

From Crimewatch, correct.

Masterminders?

That's goodnight from me and goodnight from him.

That's not right, lose a point. Crossworders?

Goodnight... BELL

Too late, I'm afraid, because the bell has gone.

The answer is, and it's goodnight from him, goodnight.

Right at the end of The Two Ronnies.

That is the end of the quiz, and in a very challenging special,

the Masterminders have finished on a creditable ten points,

but the winners, again, with 29 points,

it's the Crossworders.

Masterminders, very well done.

Thank you for playing, you're all brilliant.

There's no shame in losing to the Crossworders.

Nobody has yet beaten the kings of Only Connect.

And so, as the damp corpses of three eviscerated bears bob gently

towards the shoreline, I'm off for a picnic on the beach.

I've got the beer, I've got the wine, I've got the tablets.

Sandwiches! I forgot the sandwiches! Goodbye.

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