Sport Relief Special: Cutters vs Backhanders Only Connect

When the BBC lined up its shows to do something for Sport Relief,

Only Connect was picked last.

That's because it is terribly short-sighted,

suffers from asthma and has to wear corrective shoes.

Nevertheless we'll do our best to play the game in the hope

of raising money for this very worthwhile charity.

To which end some fantastic quizzers have come along

giving their time on the off chance

that you will feel inspired to make a donation.

I am delighted to say that they are...

on my right, an accomplished actor, writer of Dr Who

and Sherlock, member of the League Of Gentlemen,

presenter of A History Of Horror,

he's a lover of all things dark and twisted,

what took him so long to show up on Only Connect? Mark Gatiss.

Journalist, reporter and winner of Celebrity Mastermind,

she speaks fluent French, German and Hindi, but who doesn't?

Samira Ahmed.

And their captain, award-winning novelist, film writer

and a man who was once ranked in The Times as the world's fourth worst famous football fan,

three places behind Hitler.

But Hitler hates Sport Relief so tonight we booked Nick Hornby.

All admirers of the cycling film

Breaking Away, they are the Cutters.

Nick, as a sports fan you're presumably competitive.

When playing a quiz for charity, how much do you care about winning?

It's the only thing that matters, really.

I don't care if we take £0 and 0p for charity

as long as his lot get smashed.

Tonight you will be facing... on my left, a great journalist,

arts critic, economist and novelist,

author of the best-selling I Don't Know How She Does It about the trials of being a working mother -

which I'll know all about if I ever become a mother, or do any work - Allison Pearson.

Another Celebrity Mastermind winner, star of Green Wing and Episodes,

a man with a degree in Law and RADA training.

So was surely put on this Earth to play Judge John Deed.

But sadly, born to late - Stephen Mangan.

And their captain, Ian Hislop, a man who's so professional he once

appeared on Have I Got news For You despite suffering from appendicitis.

Considered the most pain a man has ever been in while recording a TV quiz,

which I am personally taking as a challenge!

All keen tennis fans, they are the Backhanders.

Ian, this is in aid of Sport Relief.

Are you hoping for a lot of questions about sport?

Uh, yes! Particularly tennis.

We're very keen on tennis.

We might be able to do that one. Apart from that, who knows?

You've played Only Connect before, what advice can you give to your team-mates?

More advice for Nick, really, is don't lose.

Because last time it was embarrassing and he was very hurt.

So I think it would be better if he didn't.

Well, in order for someone to lose

we'd better get on and play the quiz.

We are quizzing tonight of course in aid of Sport Relief.

helping vulnerable people in the UK and around the world.

if you can afford to give something, please go to...

..or phone...

But no phoning, anyone here,

you've only got your own brains in which to look for the answers.

Backhanders, you won the toss, please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Allison.

-I'll go for water.

-Good choice.

-All right.

This will be the first question of the Sport Relief Special.

Time starts now.

-Speedy robber?

-No, next?

-Yeah.

Next!

THEY WHISPER

Mexican?

Next!

WHISPERING

-Do you want the last one?

-I don't know what it is, so yes.

Oh, yeah, next!

Is it iguana? No...

10 seconds.

They're all connected, but how? You've got three seconds.

BUZZER Mexico?

Mexico?! talk me through that logic.

I thought Speedy Gonzales...

Are they types of lizard?

I'm afraid I can't take a second answer.

OK, how about a third!

-Mexico...

-They're all types of toothpaste!

Mexico, toothpaste, that's not it.

So what is the connection? Cutters, you have the chance of a bonus.

They're not types of hat?

They might make lovely hats, but they are not.

These are all the literal names of dinosaurs.

-Oh!

-Speedy Robber - velociraptor.

Iguana tooth - Iguanodon.

Roof lizard is a stegosaurus and three-horned face... Anyone?

I'll be run out of town, triceratops.

-Oh, dear. Would you like to leave now?

-Yeah.

But you may not because it's your turn to tell me the connection.

Which set would you like?

Could we have the Eye of Horus, please?

You certainly may. What is the connection?

First clue coming up now.

Motorcycle cops.

Next.

LAUGHTER

-Next.

-That's changed.

-Next.

THEY WHISPER

Chips, chips, chips.

Poker!

BUZZER

Uh, chips.

Chips is the answer!

Erik Estrada - the motorcycle cop from Chips.

Victoria Coren, I believe, is a poker player of some sort.

Inspiration to degenerates everywhere.

A self-mythologising question.

I don't know who you're talking about. I've never met her...

I hope I never do. I don't approve of that nonsense.

We could've gone at Erik Estrada, but it was too risky.

Yeah. I knew at Erik Estrada.

If you'd stopped at two, I'd've liked to hear they're all motorcycle cops.

Yes! Which is what we would've said.

Intel is a computer chip manufacturer, and Harry Ramsden -

the founder of a fish and chip restaurant chain.

Chips is the connection, very well done. Over to you to choose a question.

-Stephen.

-Two reeds, please.

Two reeds. Ah!

It's the music question. What's the link between these pieces of music?

First one coming in now.

VIBRANT CLASSICAL MUSIC

Next!

MOTOWN BALLAD

Mountains.

-Mountain.

-Oh, brilliant! I wasn't expecting that.

-How do you know?

-First one was Night On Bare Mountain,

-and the second was...

-Ain't No Mountain High Enough.

We would've heard...

but not needed. After two clues, you get three points.

-I didn't think you'd recognised the first.

-Why not?

You didn't look like you had.

We don't want to give anything away. Look, they're wearing glasses,

they can see - apart from Samira!

Do we not look like Mussorgsky fans?

Pictures Of An Exhibition coming up next. Come on!

Brilliant. You get three points. Back to the Cutters.

Choose a hieroglyph.

The horned viper.

The horned viper. What is the connection here?

Time starts now.

Next.

-Don't know, next one.

-Next.

THEY CONFER

SOS, was that? Yes, it was.

-Titanic.

-Titanic.

Next.

Hmph! Oh!

-Yep.

-Ten seconds.

-Upside down.

-They're the same upside down and the right way up.

They look the same when printed upside down!

Absolutely right, very well done.

Points there.

This is a rather hotly contested quiz this evening. Your turn.

-Allison.

-Lion.

All right.

These will be picture clues. First one coming up now.

-Edward the Confessor.

-Next!

That's a golf hole, which one?

-Yes.

-Next!

Crow's feet...

Dog leg. It's a dog leg.

That golf hole is a dog leg.

Crow's feet.

They're all parts of animals.

Shall we... Next!

-Cat's eyes!

-Cat's eyes.

-BUZZER

They're all parts of animals.

They are made up by an animal and a body part.

Dog leg, crow's feet, cat's eyes, what was the first one?

-Erm, Lionheart.

-It's Richard Lionheart.

-You noticed the dog leg, Stephen, are you a golfer?

-Er...

I play, I've been around... You know, occasionally.

It's like admitting to being in the... Yes, I am, I have done. No!

What? What is golf?

You should see the trousers he's got on under here!

Oh, yeah. Wait till the Wall!

I believe there is only one question remaining - the Twisted Flax.

That's for you, Cutters.

First clue coming up now.

THEY WHISPER

Next.

It's Parliamentary insults.

-Parliamentary insults.

-Political insults.

They are famous political insults - quite brilliant.

Can you give me more detail?

Being savaged by a dead sheep was,

I think, Denis Healey's description of Geoffrey Howe.

-Ginger rodent was...

-Description of Danny Alexander.

-Yes, Danny Alexander.

-By Harriet Harman, correct.

-What about these new ones?

-Norman Tebbit is a semi-house trained

-polecat.

-According to Michael Foot, yes.

-Sex-starved boa constrictor?

-That was Thatcher, I think.

Very well deduced.

-That was Tony Banks talking about Margaret Thatcher.

-Oh, it was!

LAUGHTER

Don't knock it. That's my inspiration in this chair.

Sex-starved boa constrictor.

Ian, in your experience, are politicians witty?

There's a low standard in the House of Commons that passes for wit,

so if you make a reasonable joke everyone thinks you're a genius.

Which is why I'm standing for Parliament as soon as possible!

I think it's the same with being handsome or good-looking.

Politically handsome is very different to the real world.

Yes, yes.

Just cos you've got those glasses on!

I'm now daydreaming about Michael Portillo.

After a very impressive Round One, the Backhanders have four points,

but the Cutters are ahead with six.

We are quizzing tonight in aid of Sport Relief which helps vulnerable

people in Britain and around the world.

If you can afford to make a donation, please go to...

..or phone...

Meanwhile, we'll play Round Two - the Sequences Round. There are still four clues, all connected,

but you may not see the fourth because I want to know what it is.

Backhanders, you go first again. Please choose a question.

-Stephen.

-Let's... The horned viper, please.

OK, what's the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Sub zero. Is that a book?

-Shall we get the next?

-Yes.

-Next.

Oh, right.

Warm, hot, we have sub zero.

Next.

-Hot?

-No.

Oh, sub zero...

-Yes, what's really uncool? Sort of...

-Oh, God.

-Erm...

-Five seconds.

It could be.

What are you saying?

We're going to say...

Erm, that's a lovely dress you're wearing.

Thank you very much, you've got the points. So, that isn't the answer.

-Lame?

-It's not lame.

There is a bonus chance for the Cutters.

Hot?

That's not it either.

The answer is seriously uncool.

This is the sequence on Top Gear's Cool Wall

where they determine how cool a given car is.

-Well done, everybody.

-We were told this was an upmarket quiz show!

-Top Gear?!

-Jeremy Clarkson!

We want Mussorgsky questions.

No points then on the Top Gear question.

But, Cutters, you may choose a new one.

Could we have lion, please?

Certainly. What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next.

League Cup? You should know this, Nick!

-Shall we get the next?

-Is it legs?

Second leg?

Three legs, four legs, so anything to do with legs...

BUZZER

We're going to say a cat or any other four-legged animal.

I'll give you the points. We went with the more exciting - zebra.

You can have it for cat. Why?

Erm, Long John Silver has one leg.

The League Cup semi-finals are over two legs.

A Manx triskelion, I presume has three legs.

It's the three-legged Celtic symbol of the Isle of Man.

And anything with four legs would be next, very well done.

-Over to you, Backhanders.

-We're in serious trouble, you realise.

-We're getting whopped.

-We'll have to start cheating.

Now's your chance.

-Allison.

-Eye of Horus.

The Eye of Horus - first in a sequence coming up now.

-Next.

-Next.

Oh, don't know much about history, don't know much about biology.

BUZZER

Don't know much about algebra, don't know much about the books I wrote.

-No, what is it?

-I hate to interrupt.

-OK, it's from that song.

-Ah, French! French!

-Very good.

-What a wonderful world.

Third in the sequence would be science book,

fourth would be French, or French I took.

They are things from the Sam Cooke song Don't Know Much About.

Well calculated.

-Back to you, then, Cutters, to pick a question.

-Twisted Flax, please.

The Twisted Flax. What is the fourth in this sequence?

Time starts now.

Next.

Next.

Ten seconds.

BUZZER

-We're going to try 15.

-For what reason?

Er... Self-evident reasons.

Because it goes 17.5, 15, 17.5, 15. That's the sequence.

-Oh, THAT sequence?

-We deduced it mathematically. We can't explain.

You wouldn't understand!

I'm afraid that's not the sequence we had in mind.

A bonus chance for the Backhanders.

It's VAT, we think. 17.5, 15, 17.5, so the fourth is 20%.

That is exactly right.

VAT rate percentages, up, and down like a bride's nightie. 20.

Only the super-rich would get that right.

They said they were going to start cheating.

-All right, then, Backhanders, your turn for a question.

-Allison.

-Water.

Fair enough, what is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next.

It's going to be one equals something at the end, isn't it?

What is it? Avonmouth, Portsmouth. Falmouth?

-Yes.

-Shall we get the third one?

-Yes, I think so.

-Next.

Oh, Dover.

-Five seconds.

-How many? It's one that...

-Two seconds.

BUZZER

-One equals Folkestone?

-I'm afraid it doesn't.

Cutters, you have the chance of a bonus.

-Is it one equals Calais?

-That's not it either.

This sequence is the termini or final destinations of A-roads

if you're travelling from London.

The A4 goes to Avonmouth, A3 to Portsmouth, A2 to Dover.

One equals Edinburgh. A1 to Edinburgh.

One final remaining question for the Cutters, it's the Two Reeds.

These are going to be picture clues.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Time starts now.

Next.

BUZZER

-A boy.

-That's absolutely right. Can you tell me the reason?

One for sorrow, two for joy. Adamson. Three for a girl, four for a boy.

That's right. Joy Adamson,

Van Gogh painting, Sorrow, there. Three for a girl,

-four for a boy.

-Ma-a-a-ag-pie!

-There you are.

The number of magpies and what they equate to in superstition.

-It was actually another low culture question!

-It's true!

Watching children's telly was worth it, wasn't it?

Looking at the scores, then, at the end of Round Two.

The Backhanders have got a very creditable eight points,

but the Cutters are ahead with 12.

What's the time? Why, it's Connecting Wall o'clock.

16 clues all jumbled up,

which the teams must sort into four connected groups of four.

Your turn to go first this time, Cutters.

I can offer you the choice, Lion or Water?

We'd very much like Water, please.

OK, you've got 2.5 minutes to solve the Water wall, starting now.

-Cecil Rhodes, Cecil Beaton.

-Greek islands.

Cecil Day-Lewis.

Ithaca?

BUZZ

-Shall we go for Beaton?

-Yes.

-Cecil Beaton, Cecil B DeMille.

-Cecil Day-Lewis.

-And Cecil Rhodes.

-Cos lettuce?

-Lollo Rosso. Iceberg. Let's do lettuces first.

We know the Tom Stoppard plays as well, so do the lettuce.

-Let's do the lettuce. Do we know the fourth lettuce?

-Lollo Rosso.

I don't know the fourth lettuce. Do you?

Shall we do the others first? Let's do Arcadia.

Let's do the Tom Stoppard plays. So that's Jumpers, Arcadia, Travesties.

And Arcadia.

-Three strikes and you're out now, be careful.

-So we've got three.

-It's Greek islands and salad, right?

-Is that a salad?

-Yes, it is, it is.

They sell it my sandwich shop.

Yeah, so Batavian is salad, Cos and Lollo Rosso. Yes!

You've solved the wall in less than half the time.

Excellent work, very good stuff.

That's four points for the groups.

You can get extra points for the connections.

Rhodes, Beaton, DeMille, Day-Lewis.

-Famous Cecils.

-They're famous Cecils.

-What can you tell me about them?

-Cecil Rhodes of Rhodesia fame.

Rhodes House in Oxford.

Cecil Beaton, glamour photographer and international sensation.

-Cecil B DeMille.

-He has an initial of B, yes.

-Director.

-And Cecil Day-Lewis, father of Daniel Day and Poet Laureate.

-Yes.

A perfect answer. They are all Cecils.

Next one, Travesties, Arcadia, The Real Thing, Jumpers.

-These are all plays by Tom Stoppard.

-All plays by Tom Stoppard.

You seemed quick on those, Samira. Are you a fan?

-I did my thesis on Tom Stoppard.

-Ah.

It would have been an awkward one for you

if you hadn't got that right.

They say university's a waste, look at this!

Look where it's brought me, Victoria!

-You got the Stoppard plays.

-My mum's so proud.

-And the next one.

Cos, Iceberg, Batavian, Lollo Rosso.

These are all lettuces.

Yes, they are. Lettuces.

Batavian, whatever, is the only one Nick knows,

cos he can buy it in his posh sandwich shop.

-Yes.

-In north London.

-I had to ask them what it was only recently.

I thought it was a cheese, but in fact it's a lettuce.

And very tasteless, I would say, every one of them.

Every man jack of them, tasteless. Especially iceberg.

Four tasteless lettuces.

And the last group, Ithaca, Paxos, Lefkada, Euboea.

-We think these are Greek islands.

-They're simply islands of Greece.

So, you found all four groups, that's four points,

you told me all four connections, that's four points.

You get two extra points for getting it all right,

that is the maximum of ten. Excellent stuff.

Time to bring in the Backhanders

and see what they can do with the Connecting Wall.

They will of course get 16 new clues, still jumbled up,

still need sorting into those four connected groups of four.

Right, Backhanders, it's going to be the Lion wall for you.

You've got 2.5 minutes to solve it, starting now.

Great Bear is a constellation. Big Dipper is a constellation.

-The Plough.

-Where's the fourth?

Sylvester. Catherine Earnshaw?

-Jane Eyre.

-Jane Grey.

Jane...

Tom? Tom Sawyer. What am I doing? Great Bear.

-Definitely Big Dipper, Plough.

-Jane Grey.

-What's the final link?

-Theatre.

-Garfield? Is that a big name for a...

-Plough.

-Is Charles's Wain a constellation?

-OK.

-Great Bear.

-Plough.

-OK.

-Janes.

-Jane Eyre, Jane Grey. No, no.

-Is it Heathcliff, Eyre?

These are the heroines of...

-Earnshaw is Wuthering Heights.

-Earnshaw is Wuthering Heights.

-Heathcliff.

-You've used a minute.

Are these all the people in Wuthering Heights? No.

-Sylvester...

-Tom...

-What is Tyre? What is Tyre?

-Garfield's a cat. Sylvester's a cat.

-Sylvester's a cat.

-Yes. Theatre? Heathcliff is a cat.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-And Tom is a cat.

-OK.

Tom, Heathcliff, Sylvester and Garfield. OK, good.

-Three strikes and you're out now.

-OK.

-OK. Grey...

-Liquorice.

-Jane Earnshaw? Is she? Jane Eyre.

-Lady Jane Grey.

-Yeah. Theatre. Liquorice. What about Snowe?

Shall we try Jane for Snowe?

-Yeah.

-What about Richard Eyre? Theatre? No?

-Yeah, try that.

You've solved the wall. Very well done.

That's four points for the groups you found.

We'll give you extra points for the connections.

The first group, Great Bear, Charles's Wain, Big Dipper, Plough.

They're constellations. In the stars.

They are all the same constellation.

-Same constellation, different names.

-Which one?

The one that goes like this.

Yes, it's that one, Ursa Major. I knew you knew. Very good.

So that's an extra point. And the next one.

Tom, Sylvester, Heathcliff, Garfield.

-They're all cats.

-They're all cats, all cartoon cats.

-Cartoon cats.

And the next one, Earnshaw, Eyre, Grey, Snowe.

They're all called Jane.

-I'm afraid they are not all called Jane.

-Richard?

It's Catherine Earnshaw from Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre,

Agnes Grey from that novel by Anne Bronte and Lucy Snowe from Villette.

They're all Bronte heroines.

They're all Bronte heroines, not all Janes. And the last group.

Now, this is a tricky one. Tyre, Liquorice, Cheque, Theatre.

They're different in American, that's for sure.

Theatre is E-R, and cheque is C-K. And tyre is T-I-R-E.

They're all English versions which are spelt different in American.

That's what it is. They're all words that are spelt differently

in American English than our UK English.

Very well done. That is four points for the groups that you found,

three extra points for the connections,

that's a total of seven points.

Let's see what that does to the scores going into Round Four.

The Backhanders have got 15 points, but the Cutters are ahead with 22.

Yes, I've put on some towelling things

to give everything a sporty flavour.

Have you remembered to make a donation? No excuses.

If you forget you'll have to play the Connecting Wall in your pants.

How will you do that?

Well, if you go to our website you'll find

a special Connecting Wall for Sport Relief.

I'm going to forget what I look like

while we play Round Four, the missing vowels round,

Well-known names, phrases or sayings

from which we've removed the vowels, squidged up the consonants,

and I want to know what those disguised clues are.

Fingers on buzzers, then.

The first group are all things you may not sell on eBay.

-Cutters.

-Swiss army knives.

-Correct.

-Backhanders.

-Party poppers.

-Correct.

-Backhanders?

-Raw depleted uranium.

-I tried. You can't sell it. Next clue.

-Cutters.

-Contact lenses.

-Correct.

Next category, Alan Partridge's format ideas.

Don't remember this great idea? It's cooking in prison. Next clue.

A miracle it's not on TV already. Cutters?

-Arm wrestling with Chas and Dave?

-Correct. Next clue.

It's a natural for television, inner-city sumo. Next clue.

-Cutters?

-Monkey tennis.

-Of course, monkey tennis.

Next category, Orange Prize for Fiction-winning authors.

-Cutters.

-Lionel Shriver.

-Yes, it is.

-Backhanders?

-Barbara Kingsolver?

-Correct.

-Backhanders?

-Andrea Levy.

-Yes, it is.

-Backhanders.

-Zadie Smith.

-Good work.

Next category, famous wearers of swimsuits.

-Cutters.

-Bo Derek.

-Correct. Next clue.

FINAL WHISTLE

I'm afraid you can't give me the answer.

It is Betty Grable, but me blowing a whistle means the quiz is over.

Looking at the final scores, then,

the Backhanders have got an excellent 20 points,

but the winners with 28 are the Cutters.

Very well done.

Very well done, all of you.

Excellent quizzing, I would say, all round.

Thank you for watching, and so, Only Connect wheezes off the pitch,

grasping for its inhaler,

vowing that next time it'll bring a note from its mum.

Please do give something to Sport Relief if you can. Goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd