Comedians Pointless Celebrities

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed.

Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong and a very warm welcome

to this special comedians edition of Pointless Celebrities,

the show that makes big winners out of the lowest scorers.

Let's meet today's Pointless Celebrities.

And couple number one.

I'm Helen Lederer and I've written a funny book

and I'm thrilled to be here with my very close friend.

I'm Cariad, I'm a comedian and an improviser

and I'm also very excited to be here with legend, Helen Lederer.

-Legend. Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Couple number two.

Hi, I'm Jack. I'm a stand-up comedian and actor,

and that sort of thing.

And I'm Terry Alderton and I'm Jack's dad.

-What?!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Couple number three.

Hello, my name's Gary Delaney, I'm a comic,

and I'm currently doing a tour

which has got a joke about Pointless in it,

about how in Round Three, the stands look like giant robot owls.

You'll see what I mean when we get to that point.

And if I get knocked out

before getting to stand on the giant robot owls,

I'm going to be absolutely gutted.

I'm Sarah Millican and I'm a comedian, according to some.

APPLAUSE

And finally, couple number four.

My name's Lee Hurst and I'm a comedian

as well as many of the other people here tonight.

I'm Arthur Smith, semi-professional comedian

and the hipster guru of a new treatment known as mindlessness.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, all of you. A very warm welcome to Pointless.

It's lovely as ever to have you here. We'll get to chat

to each of you throughout the show as it goes along.

But that just leaves one more person for me to introduce.

He likes to do his stand-up sitting down.

It's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.

-Hiya. Hi, everybody.

-APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Good evening to you.

-Good evening to you.

-This has got long show written all over it.

Don't you think? We've got some absolute legends of Pointless,

people who have come back who have done unbelievably well.

Helen there got all the way through to Round One...

Terry's been on before,

he got all the way through to Round One as well.

Arthur actually got all the way through to Round Two,

-so he's very much...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-..the star of the piece.

So, yeah, it should be an absolute cracker today, I think.

Round One... Round One is not going to cause too much trouble.

Round One is one of those things, just...

I don't think anyone's going to have too much trouble with it.

There'll be stuff everyone can answer.

Round Two will put you through your paces a little bit more.

-OK.

-Ooh, hello.

-Oh, and then, the robotic owls!

-Then the giant robotic owls.

-GARY CHEERS

Oh, it's going to be fun.

HE HOOTS AND GROWLS

There we are, thank you very much. As usual, all of today's questions

have been put to 100 people before the show.

Our contestants here are on the hunt

for those all-important pointless answers.

These are answers that none of our 100 people gave.

Find one of those and we'll add 250 quid to the jackpot.

Now, as today's show is a celebrity special,

and each of our celebrities is playing for a nominated charity,

we're going to start off with a jackpot of £2,500.

There we are.

Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

So, here's the only thing you have to remember -

the pair with the highest score

at the end of each round will be eliminated.

The pair with the highest score.

So, do everything you can to make sure your scores are low.

Very best of luck to all four pairs.

Our first category of today...

..is...

Places. Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first,

who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, and the question concerns...

-Shared place names, Richard?

-Yeah, on each board, we're going

to show you seven descriptions of two places that share a name.

You just have to give us the most obscure answer you can, please.

There's going to be seven on the first board, seven on the second,

so 14 in all to have a go at at home. Very best of luck.

Thanks very much indeed.

So, let's reveal our first set of clues, and here they come.

We've got...

There we go. I'll read that one last time.

Now, Cariad, welcome to Pointless. Great to have you here.

Now, improv is your thing.

-That is the realm of comedy you are here to represent.

-Yeah.

-The ambassador from improv.

-They sent me, the council sent me.

How do you do that? I have to say, improv,

I take my hat off to anybody who can do that,

because it always just seems so immaculately polished.

-It can be! Sometimes.

-Do you have tricks?

I mean, do you have little things,

little sleights of brain?

No, you just... You practise not blocking people.

So you always have to build, you must never disagree with someone?

Yeah, you "Yes, and", so you have to practise agreeing,

which some people find hard.

Do you think that nobody has any control at all, and it's just...?

It's a sort of chaos theory

and everyone's just a bit surprised by where it goes?

No, because you're telling it. So the show I do, Austentatious,

which is improvised Jane Austen, so you're telling a story,

so that's what's driving it, the story structure.

Right. So, you know what the structure is?

-I can get really boring!

-No, I see what you mean.

So, you don't know it, but if we're telling a story and you think,

"Oh, well, that should happen next, that's the obvious thing to happen,"

-that's what you're hoping for.

-Very good. You've just made it sound

even more difficult! I thought you were going to make it sound

-just a little bit less terrifying.

-No, it's very hard.

-It is hard.

-It is hard!

-Yeah. Good. Good, well done! Anyway, there you are.

-Sorry, eventually, we read through this board.

-No, it's fine.

How do you like it?

I don't like it at all.

But I think I can answer some of them.

I think I'm going to go for the Scottish city -

Perth.

-Perth?

-Yeah.

-Perth, says Cariad. Let's see if it's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Perth.

-It is right. Phew.

-Oh, thank God!

Oh!

44, not bad.

Gets us off to a good start, Cariad.

Very well done, 44 for Perth.

Well played, Cariad.

One of those cities has 3,000 hours of sunshine a year and 19 beaches.

I'll just look up which one it is... I can't find it.

Thanks very much, Richard. Terry, welcome back to Pointless.

-Thank you very much.

-Round One last time.

-Nice to be back!

-You've been setting your sights

-on Round Two for this one, haven't you?

-Hopefully.

Very exciting! Now, you've toured all over the place.

-I have.

-You've done shows in India, Australia...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been on Wikipedia, haven't you?

Yes, I have. Do you...

Do you do the same set, or do you have a...?

If you fly into Delhi, do you pull the Indian set out?

Well, judging by some of the looks I'm getting,

that "set" is quite loosely based. I don't really have a set.

I kind of have a lot of islands to get to, shall we say?

-Material, do you have...?

-Well, material's debatable, but...

Yeah, I haven't got an act, so...

I'm... I haven't... Should I just go?

-You've been found out.

-I was found out a long time ago.

I've blagged it up to this point. Now at least I'm on Pointless!

-Hello, excuse the pun.

-Now, Terry, what would you like here?

Perth, obviously, is now gone.

-Yes, it has.

-What would you like to go for on this board?

Er, well, one of them, I'm definitely sure on,

but that's not going to be a good gamble to go for,

to try and get less points, if that makes any sense on this show.

So, I'm going to go with the Middle Eastern country.

And I'm thinking it's Georgia.

Georgia, says Terry. Let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Georgia.

Oh! Oh, Terry.

Oh, Terry. Well, you've got form at least.

Good grouping, in terms of your past Pointless form.

-100 points there, Terry.

-Sorry.

Yeah, not Georgia, I'm afraid.

I'll give all the correct answers at the end of the pass.

Sarah, welcome to Pointless.

-Hi.

-Lovely to have you here.

-Nice to be here.

-Sarah, you were a civil servant up to the age of 29?

-Oh. Yeah.

-And then just blossomed into comedy.

Oh, blossomed! That's nice, isn't it?

I thought I was a bit old to blossom at 29.

But what was the thing? What made you leave the world,

-leave the job?

-Oh, erm, I got divorced.

So I just got on a stage and told loads of, sort of, stories

about my ex-husband. Which people laughed at, thank God!

And then I was able to leave the civil service.

Oh, so, yes, you kept them both going, obviously, for a bit.

Oh, for a while. Oh, you have to. Yeah, yeah.

Because you don't get paid for ages in stand-up,

-while you're learning your craft.

-Yes.

-But you learnt it well!

-Well, thanks very much.

You're so flattering!

Can I have a better board?

Yes, you can. Erm, I'm afraid you can't.

-But, look, there are six.

-There's one that I definitely know,

but I don't know whether to be safe or stupid.

I'm going to be safe and I'm going to say

-the home to the Eiffel Tower is Paris.

-Paris.

It's stupid, but it's...

Paris, OK. Well, let's see how many of our 100 people went for Paris.

-88.

-It's not 100!

It's better than 100.

It's better than 100, Sarah.

88 for Paris.

That is 12 short of 100.

Every year, the Eiffel Tower lift travels over 100,000 kilometres.

More than twice around the world.

It doesn't actually go around the world, but it travels that distance.

-Up and down the Eiffel Tower.

-Up and down the Eiffel Tower.

There you are. Thank you, Richard.

Arthur, welcome back to Pointless.

It is one of the greatest moments of my life to be here.

Well, it is lovely for us. It really is lovely to have you here.

Yeah, no, it's great.

Tell me about Are You Being Served?

Oh, yes, I am in the new sitcom, in the pilot version,

maybe that'll be the only one, of Are You Being Served, playing...

Some of you will remember him, from the audience,

Arthur English played the part originally.

Yeah, I'm sort of like the cockney bloke

who works downstairs and doesn't have nothing to do

with Mrs Slocombe's cat.

LAUGHTER

Now, Arthur, you'll forgive me

if I say I think that you're a sort of senior statesmen

-of comedy.

-Yes, well, as such...

And I did geography O-level, so, you know, I do know me geography.

So, I know, I reckon, all those...

I'm not entirely sure of the first one, though, but I think...

Is it Lebanon, the top one?

The third one,

that's the one I reckon I'm going to go for, is Waterloo.

Just to be... I'm not sure about that first one.

Waterloo. Let's see how many of our 100 people went with that.

Look at that, not bad. 39.

Best score of the round so far, Arthur,

-Very well done, 39 for Waterloo.

-Very well played, Arthur.

That's where the BlackBerry Corporation are - Waterloo, Ontario.

Let's go through these. Now, you would have gone for Lebanon,

-you think, for the top one?

-Yeah.

-I definitely would have.

Yeah, nice try, Terry.

It is Lebanon, that is the correct answer.

Would have been a better score

as well, would have scored you 35 points.

The area of Los Angeles?

-CARIAD:

-It's Beverly Hills, isn't it?

-It is Beverly Hills.

-Yes!

-Yup, 12 points for that.

-Oh, my God!

I thought everyone would know that!

The good news with this one is, if you half know them, you know them.

The capital city of Greece is Athens, of course,

that's where REM are from as well.

73 points for that.

And the Russian city is Moscow.

Although I bet they call it "Moss-cow" in America.

And that would have scored you 65.

-Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

-Pleasure.

Well, we're halfway through the round, so let's take a look

at those scores. 39, the best score of that pass.

Very well done, Arthur. Arthur and Lee,

looking very strong contenders for Round Two at this juncture.

As indeed are Cariad and Helen

there on the first podium.

88 is where we find Sarah and Gary.

But Terry and Jack,

not that far ahead of you on 100.

But, Jack, a low score from you will keep you in the game.

-Right, let's hope!

-Good luck with that.

We're going to come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, let's put seven more pairs of cities up on the board,

and here they are.

I'm going to read those all again.

Lee, welcome to Pointless. Good to have you.

Now, Lee, you started out doing warm up, didn't you?

I did. I did many TV shows.

Back in the '90s, that was. First one was Red Dwarf.

I got that because Hattie Hayridge gave me a call,

because apparently they were going through one a week.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

-And then you stuck?

-Well, no,

I turned up, and I think I did the last three, and then from there,

it kind of... The floor managers get to know you,

and they just spin you from one show to another.

And then, you leapt into They Think It's All Over, is that right?

Yeah, I actually... Ironically, I did the warm up

for the original pilot of that.

And it didn't quite work as a show, so they shelved it,

and then I was brought back to play...

Like, a dry-run pilot, you know,

when there's just, like, about 30 people watching it,

and I came along and I thought,

"Oh, good, you know, I'll get paid during the day."

For a comedian to earn 100 quid in the daytime, excellent, you know?

And after the second time we did it, the producer, Harry Thompson, said,

"I actually want you on the show, but nobody knows who you are.

"I've got a real fight on my hands." And he obviously fought hard,

and they put me on the show when it came back.

Brilliant. Now, if you can score 60 or less,

you will remain in the game for sure.

Right. I don't know a lot of these.

I can play it safe, I suppose, can't I? I'm going to go for...

..er, Aberdeen, for the Scottish city known as the Granite City,

-area of Hong Kong.

-Aberdeen says Lee.

Here is your red line. If you get below that with Aberdeen,

you're through to the next round.

Let's how many of our 100 people said Aberdeen.

It's right.

Look at that, through you go. Very well done.

38 for Aberdeen.

Taking your total up to 77.

Very well played, Lee.

Yeah, Aberdeen in Hong Kong has got an Abba shopping centre as well.

-It's just called Abba.

-It's called Abba? Oh, I see. Right, yeah.

-Whoa!

-You thought it had an Abba shopping centre?

I thought it might have had an Abba shopping centre.

-It would be a bit boring...

-It would be a bit limited.

-Yeah.

-What happens in the floating village?

What happens in the floating village

stays in the floating village, I'm afraid. I can't tell you.

LAUGHTER

As it should. Gary, welcome to Pointless.

-Good to have you.

-Hello, Xander.

-Now, how, honestly,

does the husband and wife thing work

when you're both in exactly the same industry?

I mean, not just different areas of the same industry,

the same bit of the same industry.

Well, broadly, we've got different senses of humour,

so obviously we keep the tours separate and whatnot.

But if something funny happens at home...

Like, we just got a little dog and he's actually in the dressing room,

too, he's a lovely little thing.

And I was taking him for a walk a few months back,

and as I was leaving the house, Sarah said "Don't forget poo bags,"

because I had to take the poo bags.

And I thought, "Well, that's great. That sounds ideal for a pun."

So I spun that off into a joke,

and the joke became I went around Grandad's to walk his dog.

As I was leaving the house, he said, "Don't forget poo bags."

I was like, "All right, Gran, you can come as well."

That's how it works, and basically Sarah just relates the stupid things

-that I've done, which there's plenty of.

-Yeah.

I can get a good hour and a half out of that.

-So that's how it works.

-Gary, 88.

-Yeah.

-Ideally,

you'd be scoring 11 or less to be sure of a place in the next round.

Well, I've set my target on the robot owls, and also,

I'll have to take all the flak on drive home if I get this wrong.

So I'm going to go for the Yorkshire town

that gives its name to a high street bank - Halifax.

Halifax says Gary.

Here's your red line. It's quite low.

If you can get near it, at least, you should be in with a good shout.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Halifax.

-WHISPERS:

-Come on...

It's right.

Not bad, 45.

45 takes your total up to 133.

Well played, Gary. In the context of this round, not a bad score at all.

They've had a continuously running market in Halifax,

Nova Scotia since 1750.

Continuously running, what, every Saturday or every day?

-Everyday, 24 hours a day, it doesn't stop.

-It doesn't stop.

Thanks very much. Jack, welcome to Pointless.

-Hello, it's good to be here.

-Lovely to have you.

Now, Jack, what was your in into comedy? How did you get started?

Into comedy, well, I did a set

at my parents' silver wedding anniversary party

when I was, like, 11 years old.

And my uncle put that on YouTube, and that sort of got shared round,

and then a few other things happened and, yeah, here I am.

And here you are. But you did Britain's Got Talent.

-Yes.

-And I have to say that is... I mean, that's gutsy.

Well, I'm not quite as...

I'm was not quite as nervous for that as I am for this.

It seems awfully easy to play Pointless

when you're literally an armchair contestant,

but, like, now, the harsh reality of it has set in,

-so I'm hoping I do all right.

-I'm hoping you do all right.

Now, 133 is our high score,

which means 32 or less ideally.

Right, OK. Could I go for the West Midlands city, please?

And that is, er,

Birmingham, Alabama.

Birmingham, Alabama.

Birmingham, Alabama says Jack.

Let's see if that's right. Here is your red line.

Be nice if that were a bit higher, but let's see.

Birmingham, Alabama, let's see if you can get below that with that.

How many of our 100 people said it, Birmingham, Alabama?

Oh, 69.

69 takes your total up to 169.

Look at Gary Delaney pretending not to be delighted there!

That's my people as well, the Brummies, so...

They have a pen museum in Birmingham.

They used to make all pens in the world, virtually, in Birmingham.

In the 19th century, they said 75%

of everything written in the 19th century

was written with a Birmingham pen.

-GARY:

-And so few of it by us.

Thanks very much, Richard.

-Helen, welcome back to Pointless.

-Yes, thank you.

Now, Helen, you're writing a book at the moment I gather.

-It's my second book. Yeah, a comedy book.

-Only your second book?

You have to sit down a lot to write,

so it's quite nice to just move around, stretch my legs here.

-Yeah!

-Do you sit on a ball?

No, I should... Ball! I should do the ball.

I love writing. And I'm even more excited because I'm last,

because obviously I knew all those other answers.

This is... Obviously, you hear this every time, don't you?

-Yes.

-So I'm second from the bottom...

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-And the answer is...

-..Boston.

-Boston says Helen. Let's see how many of our 100 people

said Boston. There's no red line for you because you're already through,

but how many people said it?

It's right.

37, very well done indeed.

37 is in fact...

When he paused, I was like, "Oh..."

..the lowest score of the whole round,

so very, very well done indeed.

-81 is your total.

-Well played, Helen.

The American one was named after the Lincolnshire one,

directly named after it.

37 points. Now, the rest of this board.

The best answer on the board is right at the top there.

-Is it Odessa?

-It is Odessa, yeah.

The Odessa Steps, four points for that.

-The Australian city...

-Sydney.

-..is Sydney.

That would have scored you 82.

Now this bottom one, the host of the 2012 Summer Olympics.

-A testing one, isn't it?

-London is the answer,

but what do you think it scored?

I would hope 96.

Ooh...

58.

-SHOCKED MURMURS

-What?

-58 points.

-What?

-ARTHUR:

-Where is London, anyway?

-Thank you, Richard.

-Pleasure.

Well, we've come to the end of our first round,

which means we have to say goodbye to one of the pairs in front of me,

-and I'm very, very sorry to say, Terry and Jack...

-My fault.

..it is you. Shall I tell you about Round Two?

-You can tell it, laddie.

-Oh, it's a glorious place.

I bet it's lovely.

-Sounds fantastic.

-Terry, Jack, it's been lovely having you.

-Thank for having us!

-Thanks so much, Terry and Jack.

APPLAUSE

But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.

And so, suddenly, we're down to three pairs.

And at the end of this round, we'll have to say goodbye to another pair.

Well, very well done, Helen, our lowest individual scorer there.

Good work, Helen. And Lee and Arthur, our lowest combined score.

Very well done indeed.

And Sarah and Gary, just well done.

-We'll take that.

-Lovely having you here.

-On still being married.

-Yeah, absolutely.

-And best of luck to all three pairs.

Our category for Round Two today is...

It's a Words round. Can you all decide in your pairs

who's going to go first, who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, let's find out what the question is.

Here it comes. We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many...

..as they could. O-U-R.

Yeah, we're looking for any word in the British and World English

section of oxforddictionaries.com, please, that ends in O-U-R.

As always, no proper nouns,

no hyphenated words, anything like that.

-Very best of luck.

-I'm going to think of one.

I've got a little thought in my head of what you're going to say.

-OK.

-And I'm writing it down.

-In which case, I'm going to change it.

Thanks very much indeed. Now then, Cariad, words ending O-U-R.

OK, yeah, I can think of...

I've got some.

Do I have to just say one, sorry?

-Yes.

-Yes, OK.

-Just the one.

-OK.

Erm, I'm going to go for devour.

-Devour.

-Yeah.

-Devour says Cariad.

You got a little "Hmm!"

-"Devour, says Cariad," it sounds good, doesn't it?

-Brilliant.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said devour.

-Ooh!

-Excellent.

17 for devour, very well done.

Well played, Cariad. It's to eat hungrily or quickly - to devour.

Thank you very much, Richard.

-Gary.

-Hello.

Gary, words ending O-U-R.

-Succour.

-Ooh!

-Succour?

-Yeah.

-OK, succour says Gary. Let's see if it's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said succour.

It's right.

17's our only score so far.

2 for succour!

-Smack!

-Very well done, indeed.

Yeah, to provide assistance and support, as in,

"The giant robotic owls provided succour for Gary."

Aw!

Thank you very much indeed.

Now, Arthur.

Yes. I think I might do one that people just wouldn't have done

cos it's too short.

I'll go for dour.

Dour? Let's see if that's right. I mean, we know it's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said dour.

Well, 17 is the high score, 2 is the low.

Oh, 31.

31 for dour.

Relentlessly stern or gloomy, dour.

Thank you very much, Richard. Well, we're halfway through the round,

so let's just have a quick look at those scores.

Gary and Sarah, look at that, 2.

No arguing with that.

The owls beckon, is all I'm saying.

17 is where we find Cariad and Helen,

and then 31, Arthur and Lee.

I mean, anything could happen in the next pass, Lee,

but we definitely need a low score from you.

So good luck with that. We're going to come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, so Lee, yes, a word ending in O-U-R.

I'm going to go for glamour.

Glamour says Lee.

-Let's see how many of our...

-You always go for glamour!

Thank you, Arthur.

Glamour. No red line for you as you're the high scorers.

How far down the column will we get?

4 for glamour.

Very well done indeed.

35 is your total.

Given yourself chance there, Lee, well played. Yeah, it's a magazine.

LAUGHTER

-Sarah.

-Hi.

-Sarah, ideally you'd score 32 or less.

I'm going to go with splendour.

Splendour. Oh, you get the buzz as well.

-I do!

-Oh, that's nice.

There's your red line. Get below that with splendour

and it'll be splendid. Let's see how many of our 100 people said it.

Well done!

Oh, it's 2.

You've equalled Gary's score.

Look at that! Fabulous. A total of 4, very well done.

That's nice, isn't it? Two each. That's very, very impressive.

You two should form a crime-fighting duo called Succour and Splendour.

Thanks very much. Now, Helen.

Well, obviously, I had all of those, we know that.

Now, 17 is what you've got, 17 is also your target.

-17 or less.

-OK.

May I suggest fervour?

Fervour. Fervour.

Was there a buzz? Was there a buzz there?

Here's your red line. There was buzz, there was buzz.

Here's your red line. If you can get below this with fervour,

you are into the head-to-head.

-LEE:

-Are you sure she said...?

Did she not say further, a completely wrong word?

-Actually, I didn't.

-You did not? Are you sure?

-I did not.

-Can we play that back?

-No!

Let's see how many of our 100 people said fervour.

Oh, look at that!

Oh, and it's pointless! CHEERING

It's a pointless answer,

which means it adds £250 to today's jackpot,

takes the total up to £2,750.

It scores you nothing, sees you into the head-to-head,

and earns you a pat on the back. Well done, you, Helen.

Fervour, brilliant. 17 is your total.

Great work. There's some very big pointless answers,

actually in this round. Now, have you got an answer?

-Yes.

-What's your answer?

-Troubadour.

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Oh, they like that, don't they?

-Oh, that was good buzz, wasn't it?

-I did not predict troubadour.

-Oh?

I'll admit. Troubadour...

-Yeah.

-Pointless answer.

Oh, good. APPLAUSE

-ARTHUR:

-Dang! I rejected troubadour for dour,

which makes me dour.

Now, there's some very, very well-known words

amongst these pointless answers. Let's take a look at a few of them.

All of these would have added £250 to the jackpot.

Parkour, which is, you know, the free running.

Perfervour, although fervour itself was a pointless answer anyway.

Troubadour, very well done. Vapour also a pointless answer.

Watercolour, a Pointless answer too.

Let's take a look at the top three answers.

The ones that most of our 100 people said when we asked them online.

Flour - 54.

Hour - 57

And sour, up the top on 60.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard.

So the end of our second round, the pair we have to say goodbye to,

with not that high a score, but it is the highest score, 35.

Lee and Arthur, I'm so sorry to say goodbye to you.

It's probably for the best because at our combined age,

our knees are starting to go.

LAUGHTER

Please come back and play again. It's been lovely having you here.

Lee and Arthur, thanks so much.

APPLAUSE

But for Sarah and Gary, Cariad and Helen,

it's now time for our head-to-head.

Congratulations, Cariad and Helen, Sarah and Gary,

you are now one step closer to the final

and a chance to play for our jackpot,

which currently stands at £2,750.

Well, this is the point where we decide who goes through to the final

to play for that jackpot and we do it by making you go head-to-head.

But the big difference is you're now allowed to confer.

So you can chat before you give your answers,

and the first pair to win two questions

will be playing for that jackpot.

You've made it to the giant robot owls!

This is everything I've ever dreamed of. This is excellent.

Me and my wife are riding a giant robot owl on Pointless!

This is just a fantastic, happy thing!

Gary, would you like me to take a photograph?

I would absolutely love that, yes.

That would be amazing!

-One for the album.

-Smile.

-Lovely!

-And then can I be in one?

Aww!

-You can go in the middle.

-I'll go in the middle.

Cos you're the mack daddy.

LAUGHTER

Ah, that's lovely.

Can I also say - other cameras are available.

LAUGHTER

-Beautiful.

-There we are.

Let's play the head-to-head.

APPLAUSE

Here is your first question and it concerns...

Tabloid History. Richard.

We're going to show you five tabloid-style headlines now

about events in history.

You just need to tell us the century

in which these things occurred, please.

OK, so in which century might these tabloid headlines have been written?

And here they are. We've got...

These are very good headlines.

-LAUGHING:

-Thank you.

There we go. So then, Cariad and Helen,

you've been our low scorers, so you will go first.

-Oh, good.

-You've got your pick of these headlines.

I'm just trying to think what one would be the least...

I know three of them definitely.

OK, go for C, 1666.

-OK, C.

-So that would be the 17th century.

Oh, nicely done. 1666, 17th century.

Very good. Sarah and Gary, all those headlines are yours.

Do you want to talk us through them?

We think that the boat is Titanic,

-and that was 1912, so the 20th century.

-Yeah.

And you know the last one.

Well, the arrow in the eye was Bayeux Tapestry, 1066, wasn't it?

It's probably less than Titanic, so shall we go for that?

Yeah. I think we should go with Harold.

Yeah, let's go for that, then. So E on 1066, 11th century.

OK, E, 1066.

So we have 1666, 1066.

Cariad and Helen went for 1666 for C.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many people said it.

It's right.

-Ooh.

-47.

APPLAUSE

47 for the 17th century.

Now then, Sarah and Gary have gone for 1066 for E.

Let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said 1066.

It's right.

-And 62. There we are.

-Well done.

APPLAUSE

Very well done, Cariad and Helen. After one question, you're up 1-0.

Very well played.

Now let's fill in these top two.

The top one is the Battle of Agincourt, 1415.

Would have scored you 21 points.

-The second one...

-This is Henry II.

-It is Henry II.

-Seeing off Becket.

12...?

-Are you asking me or telling me?

-Er...

VAGUELY: 12? LAUGHTER

-12...12...

-12 or 12th?

12th...

-The 12th century.

-..century.

So you think it's 1170.

Yes!

-You are right. You are right.

-Oh, phew.

-It is 1170.

-And that would have scored you five.

-Good.

And the "unsinkable" boat sinks...

-20th century.

-Yeah, 1912.

And 91 points for that, as you would hope.

Good. Good.

Well done, our 100 people. Here comes your second question.

Now then, Sarah and Gary, you have to win this one to stay in the game.

-But you get to answer it first, which is nice.

-Yeah.

Our second question today is all about...

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, wow! That's quite niche.

Oh, well, we all researched him beforehand, so that's easy.

It's five clues now to facts about Christopher Biggins.

The most obscure answer wins the point.

OK, so let's reveal our five clues to facts about Christopher Biggins.

And here they are. We have...

I'll read those all again.

Now then, Sarah and Gary.

It's over to you. You're free to confer.

We know a lot less about Christopher Biggins than we thought we did.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Which we thought we knew, like, nothing.

And we know less than that.

Yeah. We know one thing.

He was Lukewarm in Porridge.

Porridge. Porridge, say Sarah and Gary.

Now then, Cariad and Helen, that board is all yours.

-Great, fantastic.

-We love you both a lot. Thanks for that.

-LAUGHTER

-Sorry!

I want to say Augustus for I, Claudius,

but I don't think that's right. He wasn't Nero, was he? Was he Nero?

Nero sounds right, but I think we should play safe.

-Yeah, let's go for decades.

-Permission to do decade?

-Just go for it, yeah.

-If I'm wrong on this...

'50s?

'50s.

I mean the 1950s.

The 1950s, say Cariad and... LAUGHTER

-..Helen.

-In the 12th century.

So we have Porridge and the 1950s.

So Sarah and Gary went for Porridge.

Let's see if that's right for Lukewarm.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said it.

-It's right. WHISPERING:

-That's good.

Ooh, it's quite low!

47.

47 for Lukewarm.

Cariad and Helen are saying that Biggins was born in the 1950s.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many of our 100 people got that.

-Ooh!

-Oh, no!

-Oh!

-Ooh!

-Oh, no! That's terrible.

-Not the 1950s...

-No.

-..as it turns out,

which means very well done indeed...

LAUGHING: Look at that - the robotic owl is about to wink

because, Sarah and Gary, after two questions, it's 1-1.

-BOTH:

-Yay!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've never been so excited to make an owl wink!

I tell you what, at least next time you see Biggins,

he'll be very grateful to you cos he was born in the 1940s.

-Oh!

-1948.

Would have scored you 25 points.

Now, the year he was crowned King of the Jungle

in I'm A Celebrity was 2007...

..which would have scored you five points.

-Now you were going to go for Nero...

-No, Augustus or Nero.

But I think you probably would've gone for Nero.

-Do you think?

-I don't...

What...what was it?

-You're teasing us!

-Yeah, I want to know.

-I am teasing you.

-It was Nero.

-Oh...!

-Yeah.

-It was Nero.

And that would have scored you 17 points as well -

would have seen you into the final.

And this final answer, it's the Reverend Osborne Whitworth.

And, if you knew that, you just got yourself a pointless answer.

Very well played.

Thanks very much indeed. So here comes your third question.

This is the decider. Whoever wins this one goes through to the final

and plays for that jackpot for their charities.

So best of luck to both pairs.

Our third question is all about...

Types Of Footwear, Richard.

Look, we've done History, we've done Biggins.

There's only one thing left,

and that is anagrams of Types Of Footwear.

-LAUGHTER

-Five of them coming up,

and whichever team gives us the most obscure answer

is going to go through to play for the jackpot.

-Very best of luck.

-Thanks very much indeed.

So let's reveal our five anagrams of Types Of Footwear,

and here they come. We have got...

Cariad and Helen will go first.

OK, go, my friend.

OK.

-We are both dyslexic.

-Yes.

So this could be really wrong. The seed pillars one -

-espadrilles?

-Espadrilles, seed pillars.

Espadrilles. Now then, Sarah and Gary,

can you talk through the rest of the board?

We think the first one is Wellington boots

-and the second one is stilettos.

-Yeah.

And we haven't got down to the fourth and fifth...

We don't really... Oh! No... Moccasins!

-Bottom one, moccasins.

-Oh, yeah. Shall we go for that?

-Let's do that.

-OK.

-Yeah. Moccasins?

-Moccasins.

-For the last one?

Moccasins. Espadrilles and moccasins.

So Cariad and Helen went for espadrilles.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many of our 100 people said it.

-It's right.

-Oh, thank God!

Ooh, seven!

Seven. Very well done with your seed pillars there.

Now then, Sarah and Gary have gone for moccasins for sonic scam.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many people said moccasins.

It's right.

-Ooh, it's going to be close.

-It's not.

-Ah!

-Ooh, 14 for moccasins!

APPLAUSE

Which means, very well done, Cariad and Helen.

After three questions, you're through to the final, 2-1.

Yeah, espadrilles is the best answer on the board.

-Nothing you could have done about that.

-Oh, that's all right.

-Your owl remains winking, I'm afraid.

-Aww.

Wellington boots was a slightly better answer than moccasins.

Would have scored you ten points.

Stilettos is a bigger scorer.

Stilettos scores 64.

And SAS land...?

-Sandals.

-Sandals.

-CARIAD:

-Oh, of course.

And that's 65.

Thank you very much indeed.

So the pair leaving us, I'm afraid, Sarah and Gary, it is you.

Oh, it's been lovely having you on. I'm so thrilled you've made it to...

-This is all we wanted!

-I met the owl.

Once I'd reached this stage, I was happy to be defeated,

-so that's fine.

-Well, it's been wonderful having you on.

Please come back and play again as soon as possible.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you both for showing me your owl.

Sarah and Gary! APPLAUSE

But for Cariad and Helen, it's now time for our Pointless final.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, congratulations, Cariad and Helen.

You have seen off all the competition

and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.

-We're shocked.

-We are in shock.

-We didn't expect this.

Most genuinely humble.

Well, it gets even more exciting cos you now have the chance

-to win our Pointless jackpot for your charities.

-Yes.

And at the end of today's show, the jackpot is standing at £2,750.

See, I think that's fitting.

I think that's fitting and neat and right that you are playing for that

cos you've added to that. You're our only pointless answer.

Yeah, again, shock, but feeling good.

-So glad I turned up today.

-Well, so are we!

LAUGHTER

As usual, you know what happens. You get to choose your category

from the four we put on the board.

And there's usually something you'll quite like, I'd have hoped.

Er, so we have...

I don't know. It's up to you. I'd go for Poetry or Seans.

-But I'm not keen on either.

-Same.

-No.

-I'm afraid if we go for Acting Seans,

we'll get James Bond questions, and I don't know James Bond.

-Oh, I see. Correct.

-That's my worry.

-Let's go with the Poetry.

All right, we'll just... Nation's Favourite Poetry.

-Nation's Favourite Poetry.

-Please, oh, please!

-There we are.

I think you made the right choice here.

Hopefully something here that you like.

I suspect you'll be able to have a good crack at it.

We're looking for any poet featured

in any of the following three collections, please.

They're all BBC collections.

From 1996...

So any poet featured in that.

From 1997...

And from 1998...

So the name of any poet who has a poem

featured in one of those three, please.

Very, very best of luck.

Thank you very much indeed. Now, as always, you've got up to one minute

to come up with three answers, and all you need to win the jackpot

is for just one of your answers to be pointless. Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-OK, let's put 60 seconds up on the clock.

There they are. Your time starts now.

So the nation's favourite...

Must be like a Sylvia Plath, Ted Hughes or Seamus Heaney.

Yeah, for the nation's favourite ones.

And then do we then go into another category?

-Yeah, so we can choose more...

-So the love poems -

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

-Elizabeth Browning.

Comic poems, Spike Milligan and also Michael Rosen writes comic poetry.

-And Roger McGough.

-Roger McGough will definitely be in there.

Um... How many have we offered?

-Oh, we just keep saying them?

-You just keep going.

What about love poems? So, um...

Would Shakespeare...?

Oh, well, Shakespeare. Yeah, there'd be sonnets.

-Tennyson would be in the favourite poems as well.

-Yeah.

WH Auden.

Oh, he'll definitely be in there.

-Um...

-What other love poems are there?

I think we could probably name one...

TS Eliot, but I don't know if it was a love poem.

That would be The Nation's Favourite Poems, TS Eliot.

-CS Lewis.

-Ten seconds left.

I think we've got an answer for each one.

-But we...

-I can't remember what we've said now.

We're just listing poets.

-We just said words.

-Yeah.

What do we do now?

OK, that is your time up, I'm afraid.

I now need your three answers.

-So should we do Roger McGough for the comic poems?

-Yes.

So Roger McGough is one answer...

-For the comic?

-Comic.

-Yep.

-And then the love poems...

-Oh, Wendy Cope

will definitely be in the comic one and won't be very...

Yes, put Wendy Cope.

-And Wendy Cope?

-Yes, for comic.

-And your third answer?

-For favourite poem. Ted Hughes?

-Yeah, all right.

-Ted Hughes.

-And Ted Hughes. There we are.

Now of those three, which is your best shot at a pointless answer?

-I think Wendy Cope might be.

-Wendy Cope. We'll put her last.

Least likely to be pointless?

-Ted Hughes, probably.

-Let's put Ted Hughes first.

Let's put those answers up on the board in that order, then,

and here they are. We have got...

Three excellent answers on the board there.

Surely one of those will win you that jackpot for your charities.

Can I just quickly ask what charities you're playing for?

-Cariad, you first.

-The Pancreatic Cancer Research Fund, the PCRF,

who are an amazing charity who do sort of laboratory research

because pancreatic cancer is the fifth biggest cancer,

but its funding hasn't changed since the 1950s,

and neither has its survival rate.

So it kills quite a lot of people every year

and it's not a very popular, fun cancer,

but they're changing that.

Very good. Helen?

I'm patron of quite a new charity called Basic Needs,

which deals with mental health, both abroad and in the United Kingdom.

Very good indeed. Very well done. Two excellent charities there.

Let us hope that one of these answers

wins that jackpot for your charities. Best of luck.

Ted Hughes, your first answer. In this case,

we're looking for any poet listed in The Nation's Favourite Poems.

Let's find out if Ted Hughes is right.

Let's see, for £2,750, if it's pointless.

It's right.

Now then, if Ted Hughes takes us all the way down to zero,

you leave with that jackpot of £2,750 for your charities.

Down goes Ted Hughes into single figures.

Still going down. Still going down.

And... Oh!

Two!

Two for Ted Hughes.

So I'm afraid not a pointless answer.

Which means you have two more shots at today's jackpot.

Your next answer was Roger McGough.

Again, this has to be pointless for you to win the jackpot.

So, for £2,750, let's see how many people

named Roger McGough in The Nation's Favourite Comic Poems.

Again, it's right.

Ted Hughes was right, took us all the way down to two.

Roger McGough now takes us down through the 30s and into the 20s.

Into the teens, into single figures. Down it goes. Still...

Six for Roger McGough.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Two excellent scores so far. Excellent scores.

Nothing wrong with those, apart from the slightly boring fact

that we only take pointless answers in this last round.

-It's harsh!

-Very harsh.

But anyway, your third answer was a wonderful answer,

and it was Wendy Cope.

In this case, we were looking for The Nation's Favourite Comic Poems.

This has to be pointless for you to win that jackpot.

So, for £2,750, let's see how many people said Wendy Cope.

Well, it's right.

Ted Hughes, your first answer, took us all the way down to two.

Roger McGough took us all the way down to six.

Now Wendy Cope takes us through the teens and into single figures.

Down it goes, still going down, passes six. Still it goes past...

Ooh, no!

AUDIENCE GROANS Oh, no!

One!

-Aw, man!

-Oh, that is so harsh!

One!

Three amazing answers,

but I'm afraid you didn't quite find that all-important pointless answer,

so I'm afraid you don't win today's jackpot of £2,750.

However, as it's a celebrity special,

we're going to donate £500 to each of our celebrity pairs

-so they can give that to their charity.

-Thank you!

It's been lovely having you on. You've been fantastic.

We had a pointless answer from you. We had a wonderful low-scoring...

All low-scoring rounds, actually. But, listen, you get to take home

a Pointless trophy each, so there you are. Very well done.

Come back and play again. Cariad and Helen! Wonderful.

APPLAUSE

Let's take a look at those pointless answers.

I think you said an awful lot of answers that were pointless

during your minute, I have to say.

Let's take a look at The Nation's Favourite Poems.

A few pointless answers here.

Michael Rosen, who you mentioned for comic poem,

Robert Frost, Rupert Brooke, WB Yeats.

You could've had Andrew Marvell, Christina Rossetti, DH Lawrence,

GK Chesterton, Siegfried Sassoon, Thomas Hardy, Gerard Manley Hopkins.

Lots of pointless answers there.

Nation's Favourite Love Poems.

Carol Ann Duffy, a pointless answer.

Christina Rossetti again.

Emily Dickinson, Kahlil Gibran.

You could've had Andrew Marvell again, Dorothy Parker,

Edward Lear, Emily Bronte. Roger McGough was on that one.

Seamus Heaney and Sylvia Plath both in that list.

WB Yeats as well.

And comic poems.

Benjamin Zephaniah, a pointless answer, Dorothy Parker.

Ogden Nash, TS Eliot.

Clive James was on that list. WH Auden.

Williams Shakespeare on the best comic poems list as well.

You did really, really well in your minute.

And I have to say, if all you've done

-is introduce the poems of Wendy Cope to a Pointless audience...

-Yes.

Just buy her books. She's wonderful!

What an absolutely amazing poet she is!

But thank you so much for being so brilliant throughout the whole show.

Thanks very much indeed. Thank you, Cariad and Helen.

We've absolutely loved having you on the show.

Thanks you so much. Cariad and Helen!

APPLAUSE

Join us next time, when we'll be putting more obscure knowledge

-to the test on Pointless. Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard.

-Goodbye.

And it's goodbye for me. Goodbye!

APPLAUSE