Writers Pointless Celebrities

Thank you very much indeed.

Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong and welcome to this

special writers' edition of Pointless Celebrities.

This is the quiz where the questions have all been asked

to 100 people before the show and all our contestants have to do

is come up with the answers that no-one else could think of.

Let's meet today's Pointless celebrities.

And couple number one.

Hi, I'm Gill Hornby and I'm an author and I'm married to Robert.

Hi, I'm Robert Harris, I'm an author and logically, I'm married to Gill.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE

Couple number two.

Hi, my name is Jenny Colgan and I write romantic comedies and sci-fi.

Hi, I'm Benjamin Zephaniah and I write poetry and novels

and when I grow up I want to write sci-fi.

APPLAUSE

Couple number three.

Hello, I'm Rachel Johnson, I'm a journalist and author

and when I grow up I'd like to be able to say I'm a writer.

Hi, I'm Charlie Higson, I write horror for kids and comedy for TV.

I'm very happy to have Rachel on my team

because her team beat my team on Celebrity University Challenge.

Don't get your hopes up.

And finally, couple number four.

Hello, I'm Stuart Maconie and I'm a writer and a broadcaster.

Hello, my name is Danny Wallace and I write non-fiction and fiction

and Stuart and I are father and daughter.

ALEXANDER LAUGHS APPLAUSE

And these are today's contestants.

Thanks very much.

We will find out more about all of you throughout the show

as it goes along so that just leaves one more person for me to introduce.

He's bilingual, if you count profanity as a foreign language.

It's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.

Hiya. Hi, everybody.

Good evening. Good evening to you.

-And to you, good evening.

-Now, we've got a proper clever show...

-Yes.

-..this evening, haven't we? Like a proper clever show.

-Yes.

-We sometimes get accused of dumbing down

but this is going to be a very, very tough show to win, I think.

Some proper brains out there, some proper quiz brains as well.

One person has been on here before. Charlie Higson came on

with Paul Whitehouse who was many things, Charlie,

I think we all agree? But perhaps not the greatest quizzer.

No, he was a dead...he was a dead weight.

Whoa, hey, your words, not mine. Your words, not mine.

But we got to the final round and I thought, well,

I'll let Paul shine in this and I went for Pop Music

cos he reckons he knows something but he doesn't as it turns out.

It's going to be an absolute cracker, I think.

There's going to be a lot of fun, we've got eight great players

and we've got some great categories as well and, certainly,

if you don't want Pop Music, Charlie, the first round might not be the most

-fun you've ever had in your life.

-Excellent.

Thanks very much indeed. Now, every question on Pointless

has been put to 100 people before the show.

Today's contestants will be looking for those all-important

pointless answers, the answers that none of our 100 people gave.

Find one of those and we will add £250 to our jackpot.

Now, as each of our celebrities here is playing

for a nominated charity, we start off with a jackpot of £2,500.

APPLAUSE

Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

Now, all you have to remember is that the pair

with the highest score at the end of each round will be eliminated so

you just have to do everything you can to make sure that is not you.

Now, in the first two rounds, do remember

there is to be no conferring.

Best of luck and our first category for today is...

Charlie, The UK Charts.

Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first,

who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first please step up to the podium.

OK and the question concerns...

-Richard.

-In a moment, Xander is going to show you four categories,

we're looking for any word from any of those categories

that feature in a UK Top 40 single or album, please.

So any word in the four categories you're about to see that's

been in the title of a UK single or album up to the end of October 2014

Now, we're going to put these four categories of words up on the board,

they will stay up for the whole round.

They are, those four categories...

That's fantastic, this is fun. This is a fun round, isn't it, Gill?

Aren't you glad you went first?

I'm going to read them out again, just for fun.

Now, then, Gill, just while you're digesting that, when you're ready,

I mean, you know, two authors in a house, at what stage

do you share your ideas? I mean, do you talk about things

after a first draft and say perhaps you can read them or do you...?

Yeah, we read drafts and the basic ideas,

we're very open with our ideas.

-There's not much crossover in our work...

-No.

-..which is very useful.

-That's good.

-Gill does love and I do Nazis

so we really just, sort of, keep separate.

It's good. Is Robert a good audience generally for ideas?

-Yeah, of course he is, yeah.

-That's nice. Now...

-Now.

..this is a whole lot of fun.

You don't have to name the album, you don't even have to name the song.

Every song ever?

It's just UK charts ever?

-Yes.

-UK Top 40 hits.

-UK Top 40 hits.

Albums or singles.

Vienna.

Vienna, says Gill. Let's see how many of our 100 people said Vienna.

Oh, it's good, Gill, it's a very good answer, down it goes.

Look, 12, great.

Great start to the show, lovely low score for Vienna, 12.

Well played, Gill, yeah, very good answer, scary place to be

-on podium one...

-Isn't it?

-..with a question like this.

Of course, Vienna itself is a song by Ultravox.

There's an album by Ultravox as well.

-Excellent, thank you very much indeed, Richard.

-Such a pleasure.

-Benjamin, welcome to Pointless.

-Hi.

-Lovely to have you.

So, Benjamin, how did you get started?

What started you on this journey?

Well, I kind of started very young listening to the poetry of my mother

as she, kind of, went around the house, she was

full of old Jamaican nursery rhymes and I just picked up

her sense of rhythm, I owe it all to her.

It's wonderful. And you performed live, you did, sort of,

the dub poetry and that.

Well, the poetry I do is very closely related to music.

So, in fact, when I started performing poetry,

I was performing poetry not on the poetry circuit

but alongside people like The Clash and Bob Marley on the music scene

because it was so, kind of, energetic and musical.

Fantastic. What are you going to go for on this board?

I'm going to go for...

Jude.

Jude. Jude, says Benjamin. Let's see if that's right

and if it is let's see how many of our 100 people said Jude.

It's right.

Look at that, 1!

Fantastic.

1 for Jude, now there's a score.

We said it was going to be a good show, that's a very good answer.

Of course, Jude, the penultimate book in the New Testament

and Hey Jude, number one single for The Beatles.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard. Charlie, welcome back to Pointless.

-Now, Charlie, I mean, you've written lots and lots of comedy.

-Yes.

You've got a comedy coming out before Christmas, haven't you?

Yes, it's a version of a kids' book...

a book series about a character called Professor Branestawm

and we've made a big, kind of, family comedy for Christmas.

-Lovely, with Harry Hill?

-Yeah, with Harry Hill and your ex-partner.

-Are you talking about Ben...Miller?

-Yes.

-He's good, isn't he?

-He's brilliant.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-No, but he is.

-I mean, it's good that he's the one doing comedy

-because he was the funny one.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

If you're making a big thing for Christmas, Professor Branestawm,

and you're thinking who should we have in it,

Ben Miller or Xander Armstrong, will you think, well, for the comedy...

and the acting and also cos you have to hang out with him on set - Ben.

I mean that's...

It doesn't mean you're bad,

it just means that he's a great deal better in all the areas...

-This always comes out, you know, this always comes out wrong.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-We all know, and Charlie, Ben is just a terrific guy.

I mean, that guy is a guy that anyone hanging on to those coat-tails

is going to be a success. That's the truth, really, isn't it?

Yeah, there we are.

Four categories of word there,

you've had a little bit

of time to come up with something.

Yeah, I know, but, you know, as I

demonstrated last time, pop music

is not my forte. So I'm going to

go for a very obvious, easy one,

I'll go for the periodic table,

I'll go for silver.

Silver, says Charlie, let's see if that's right.

I say obvious and easy and find its 200 and...

Let's find out how many of our 100 people said silver.

Well, 12 is our high score at this point, 1 our low.

19 for silver.

APPLAUSE

Well played, Charlie, this is quite nerve-racking this round,

isn't it? It is quite nerve-racking.

There'd be loads of answers you know but it's actually quite hard

to get your head around lots of singles and lots of albums with silver in the title.

Silver Lady, David Soul, all sorts of others.

I tell you what I'm looking forward to...podium four, watch this.

Podium four.

Certainly, if you've made a career in music journalism and music reporting

and music DJing and presenting, this would be an open goal, wouldn't it?

-Yeah, you'd think.

-An open goal.

-You've written books about music.

I tell you who I'd love to be right about now, Stuart Maconie.

I mean, you're just thinking, you walk on a show like this,

it must be a bit nerve-racking coming on a show like this

and then the perfect category comes up where you've got pointless answer

after pointless answer and you just think, just wait, let the others...

Let Benjamin say Jude, you know, the audience would go,

oh he's got one point and you're thinking, ha-ha-ha, one?

I don't think so. But anyway, let's see what he's got,

-this is going to be awesome.

-It's going to be fabulous.

-Thanks, guys.

-So, Stuart, I mean you started out as a music journalist

-as we've...

-As you've, kind of, yeah pointed out to everyone, yeah.

But, I mean, you've gone on and you've written several books

about harking back to your time on the circuit.

-Lots of things, yeah.

-Do you miss it?

I mean, do you still do the music circuit?

And obviously I know you have your show on BBC 6 but...

Yeah, I still like to keep my hand in

with the young people's beat combos.

-AUDIENCE

-Very good.

It's good to hear Stuart's voice on the show, isn't it?

It's brilliant, it's a genuinely great voice.

Big, big fans of yours, Stuart.

Now, what are you going to go for, in fact?

Well, I'm going to take

a bit of a stab here

and just hope this got into the Top

40 and I'm going to say Moscow.

-Moscow.

-Moscow.

-Says Stuart Moscow. Let's see if that's right,

let's see how many of our 100 people said Moscow.

It's right.

So, 19, our high, 1, our low at this point.

-You've passed 19, 3 for Moscow.

-APPLAUSE

Well played.

That's well played, Stuart, especially with the pressure

-we put on you, for which I apologise.

-It's all right.

-That was mean of us.

Yes, Stranger In Moscow, Michael Jackson,

-Midnight In Moscow, Kenny Ball.

-That's the one I was thinking of.

-What, Midnight In Moscow?

-Yeah.

There's another one as well, an '80s album by a very left wing group.

Oh, the, yes! Neither Washington Nor Moscow But International Socialism

-by the Redskins.

-By the Redskins, exactly right.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard. We're halfway through the round

so let's take a look at those scores. 1, Benjamin,

very well done indeed, Jude, hard to get more obscure than that.

So then up to 3 where we find Stuart and Danny,

up to 12, Gill and Robert

and then not that far ahead, Charlie and Rachel

but a little bit of pressure on you, Rachel,

and a little bit of time to think now

so I hope you've got a brilliant answer for when we come to you.

We're going to come back down the line now, can the second players please step up to the podium?

That was beautiful.

I don't know if you saw the changeover there

but Robert, it was like some, I don't know,

some gavotte or something.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

They changed by Robert coming round like this.

That was beautiful, thank you for that.

So, Danny, Danny, we come to you, welcome to Pointless.

-Thank you very much for having me.

-It is splendid to have you here.

You've written all sorts of things,

I mean, you've written a lot of non-fiction,

you've written fiction, as well, more recently

but you've also had a film made, Jim Carrey is in it.

Jim Carrey, yeah, in the film Yes Man, exactly, based on my book.

-Indeed, how was that?

-Rubbish.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

No, it was great, of course, it was an amazing experience

and, you know, Yes Man is all about me saying yes to everything

so when they said can Jim Carrey be in this film

-it was a pretty easy yes.

-Yeah.

And, of course, you've hosted a show on XFM, you now have a show

on Absolute Radio so, again, this has got to be kind of...

Yeah, I don't normally think of songs in this way though,

-do you know what I mean?

-Really?

-Yeah, it's rare that I go,

"I wonder what songs I can come up with that, sort of,

"relate to the periodic table."

What are you going to go for?

-You're on 3, the high scorers.

-Yeah.

Charlie and Rachel are on 19, so 15

-or less.

-Do I take a bit of a risk?

When I was looking at European countries and thinking,

psychologically we tend to think of Europe as out there

so what if I try this and there was The Clash so I'm going for London.

London. London, oh, you're getting a very thoughtful nod from Stuart,

-he likes that.

-I've thought this through.

-I know you certainly have.

I like his reasoning.

Well, there's your red line,

if you get below that you are definitely through

to the next round, let's see how many of our 100 people said London.

It is right.

It's still going down there. 33.

33 takes your total up to 36.

Gives Rachel a fighting chance.

Yeah, again, I think a lot of people

were having that same thought process about London.

Ralph McTell, Streets Of London, The Housemartins, London 0, Hull 4,

as an album, The Clash, as well, just to say. Lots and lots of Londons.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard. Rachel, welcome to Pointless.

I mean, now, Rachel, you've been a columnist for so long

I dare say you can probably barely remember the time you filed

your first nervous column?

-Yes...

-Really?

-I was 22? 23, probably.

And then, of course, you've written novels as well...

-I've written... I'm just finishing my fourth.

-Fourth.

-Yes.

Did you find the crossover from column to novel?

-Fiction is much harder.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

I have a theory that there's a lot more fiction in journalism

and there's a lot more fact in fiction than people realise.

Very good. Now, you have a challenge here, Rachel,

you have to score 16 or less, so any of these words that feature

in UK Top 40 singles or albums.

I'm going for the second category,

I'm going to try Exodus.

Exodus.

You maybe can't hear the grunts of approval I'm hearing in my ear.

Very good, indeed, there is your red line,

if you can get below that with Exodus you are in to the next round.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Exodus.

It's right.

You've done it.

-2.

-Yeah.

What about that? 2.

Second lowest score of the round, Rachel.

21 is your total.

Terrific answer, Rachel, very well played.

It's so hard to think of them and as soon as you say "Exodus,"

everyone at home will go, "Of course."

Obviously, it's a book of the Old Testament and a Bob Marley album

and the Levellers had a hit called Exodus as well.

But when you hear "Jude," when you hear "Exodus," you think,

-"Oh, that's such a good answer."

-Um.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard.

-Jenny.

-Oh, Lord.

-Jenny, welcome.

-Hello.

-Good to have you here.

Now, you started out as a stand-up?

No, do you know what, I told a lie that I was a stand-up

to try and get a literary agent, I'd recommend it.

And it worked, and ever since then people think that I've done it

and I kind of tell a joke and it's really rubbish and...

So hang on, you never were a stand-up?

-Seriously?

-Do you know what? I tried it twice and I was so awful

that it was just such a hideous, hideous experience.

I have to say doing the same stuff

-but sitting at home in my pyjamas is much more pleasant.

-A lot better.

But how is your discipline? I mean, are you good at making sure you get

the work done, the words written?

-Well, I write in a couple of different genres.

-Yeah.

So I write kind of romcoms

and then I write kind of recipes

and then I write kind of sci-fi

and I write a bit for the Doctor Who line.

Do you find one is quite a good holiday from the other?

-You can just...

-Yeah, it's a bit like flicking channels on a TV.

I normally have something to eat in the middle and then just...

Is it like thinking, "Oh, I'm a bit full. Oh, pudding"?

-Yes.

-"I'll have that."

-Time for a bun.

-Yeah.

Right, well that was the nice bit over.

OK, yes, exactly.

Now, what you have to score is 34 or less.

Right, I think...

OK, I'm just going to do it, Budapest.

Budapest?

OK, Budapest. Let's see, there is your red line.

Get below that and you're through to the next round.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Budapest.

It's right.

And you're through, look at that.

1.

Look at that. Double 1 on podium two.

A total of 2.

Fabulous, very, very well done indeed. Budapest.

Very well played, Jenny. Terrific stuff on podium two there, 2 points.

Yeah, a much more recent one, George Ezra had a big hit with Budapest.

It was all over the radio, wasn't it, in 2014?

Thanks very much indeed. Now, Robert,

welcome to Pointless.

Lovely to have you here.

Now, I mean,

I was talking to Danny about having films made of your books.

Do you have a deal where you write the screenplay

or you get first refusal on a screenplay?

No, it just depends.

By and large, I don't think it's a good idea to adapt your own work.

-Yeah.

-You need objectivity, actually.

Do you find that now that you've had things made into films,

do you find that when you write you have a sort of eye

for what you might put into the screenplay were you to write it?

-No.

-You're not?

-I think that would be fatal.

-Really?

I mean, supposedly they're making a film of a book I've just written

about the Dreyfus Affair and I mean, the book is 600 pages long and

you could never put that on screen in its entirety, to be honest.

I love how you're talking about your own book going,

"Oh, it's 600 pages long." LAUGHTER

It was pretty exhausting, to be honest.

Well, Robert, you are on 12.

The high scorers on 36,

Danny and Stuart, podium four, what did we do? We cursed them.

You have to score 23 or less, Robert.

-How are you feeling about this as a round in general?

-I'm not happy, I'm not happy.

Um, but I think I'm going to go Bible and take a risk on numbers.

-Numbers?

-The Book of Numbers.

-Numbers. Very good.

So, numbers, let's see if it's right. Let's see how many people said it.

There is your red line, Robert. Get below that and you remain with us.

It is right, well done.

You're through.

-It could...oh. 4.

-APPLAUSE

There we are, 16, the second lowest score of the round,

so very, very well done indeed, Robert. Numbers.

Some terrific answers all round there, very well done.

To leave on 36 is a real shame

because it's terrific work from everybody.

Yeah, Soft Cell had a track with Numbers, the Four Tops did,

the Magic Numbers had a self-titled album as well.

Let's look at some of the pointless answers, they

are actually surprisingly few but we'll take a look at a few of them.

Caesar would have been a good one,

obviously, a Shakespeare play but

there's a few bands had Live From Caesar's Palace.

Chronicles is a hit by Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.

And by Good Charlotte with Chronicles in it.

James, there's loads and loads cos James Larson,

James Galway, all had self-titled albums.

Lithium, a hit for Nirvana, of course, and for Evanescence.

Malach'e', or 'Malach'i', the self-titled album.

Palladium, again,

lots of Live from the London Palladium albums, certainly in the '50s and '60s.

Peter, again, all sorts of people like Peter Sarstedt,

Peter Gabriel, who had self-titled albums.

Sarajevo, the U2 spin-off Passengers had a hit with Miss Sarajevo.

Zinc, which was Marc Bolan and T. Rex.

So very well done if you said any of those at home.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard. So, at the end of our first round the pair who are heading home,

I'm afraid, with a pretty low high score of 36,

I'm sorry, Danny and Stuart, it's you.

You must come back, it's been lovely having you on.

-Thanks so much for playing. Danny and Stuart.

-APPLAUSE

But for the remaining three pairs it's now time for Round Two.

And so three pairs remain.

Well done, I mean, for so many good reasons.

Firstly, you knocked off our two music journalists, which is no small achievement.

Secondly, some great answers there,

fantastic breadth of general knowledge, music knowledge,

but also some really good logical answers there.

Anyway, best of luck to all three pairs.

Our category for Round Two today is...

..Famous People.

Famous People.

Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first,

who's going to go second.

And whoever's going first please step up to the podium.

OK, and the question concerns...

..Britain's 500 Most Influential People.

Britain's 500 Most Influential People, Richard.

On each pass we are going to show you six clues to famous people who

appeared in Debrett's list of the 500 Most Influential People in Britain.

Give us an obscure answer, you score fewer points. An incorrect answer,

you're going to score 100 points.

There's going to be 12 in all across the two boards to have a go on at home so best of luck.

Thanks very much indeed. OK, so we're looking for the influential

people described by these clues.

Here's our first board of six.

I'll read those one last time.

Robert.

I think that I will go for

the novelist who wrote

The Cuckoo's Calling

and that is JK Rowling.

JK Rowling, says Robert.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many of our 100 people said JK Rowling.

It's right.

Good answer, down it goes, look at that it's a good low score.

-7. Well done, Robert.

-Well done.

Seven for JK Rowling.

Well played, Robert. Very good answer.

She chose the name Robert because it's one of her favourite men's names, which is very nice.

And she hadn't used it in the Harry Potter series at all.

OK, thank you very much indeed. Now then, Jenny.

I know quite a lot of one names and not other names so I'm going to go

for co-organiser of the Glastonbury Festival, who is called Emily Eavis.

Emily Eavis, says Jenny. Emily Eavis, let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many people remembered her.

It's right. 7 is our low score at the moment.

Look at that, 2 for Emily Eavis.

Good work Jenny, that's a great answer. 2 for Emily Eavis.

Well played, Jenny, another very good answer. She curates the festival, organises it all.

The first one was in 1970, it cost a pound to get in.

And even on that one the internet crashed when they released the tickets.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard.

Rachel, that board's all yours.

Do you want to talk us through it and fill in all our blanks?

Sheridan Smith, Tom Daley, Malala and Michelle Dockery.

I think I'm going to go for Sheridan Smith.

OK, Sheridan Smith. Let's see if it's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said that.

-32.

-Oh, no.

32 for Sheridan Smith.

Yeah, big answer, in the audience a little groan went up.

I think they thought there's a couple more obscure answers amongst the ones you knew.

Tom Daley is a big scorer, would have scored you 41.

Er, Malala, Malala Yousafzai

would have been a smaller scorer, would have scored you 20.

And the best answer you could have come up with was Michelle Dockery,

-which would have scored you 5 points.

-Wow.

It would have been an absolutely terrific answer.

But the best answer on the board there, Jenny,

was Emily Eavis, well played.

Thanks very much. We're halfway through the round,

let's look at those scores.

2 the best score, very well done indeed, Jenny and Benjamin.

That takes a bit of pressure off you, although I'm sure you'll be excellent in the next board.

Then up to 7, where we find Robert and Gill.

Then up to 32, Rachel and Charlie.

So, Charlie, a little bit of pressure.

You get first dibs on the next board though so use it well.

Coming back down the line now,

can the second players please step up to the podium.

OK, let's put six more clues up on the board and here they come.

I'll read those one last time.

There we are, Charlie.

Yeah, um, I'm going to go for a fairly obvious one,

I will go for the journalist who became editor of Private Eye,

Ian Hislop.

Ian Hislop, says Charlie. No red line for you as you are the high scorers.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Ian Hislop.

It's right.

37.

69, your total.

OK, out we go.

Yeah, a big score, Charlie, as you suspected.

He was 26 when he took over at Private Eye.

Thanks very much, Richard. Now, Benjamin.

Well that's given you a bit of breathing space,

66 or less sees you through.

I know, I think I know one but I don't know his first name.

-Give us the surname.

-Rooney.

We will accept your answer of Rooney.

-We will accept Rooney.

-Oh, thank you.

OK, there is your red line.

You have to go below that red line with Rooney.

Let's see if it's right, and if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said Rooney.

Oh, bad luck.

I'm sorry, Benjamin,

that's an incorrect answer.

It scores you 100 point takes your total up to 102.

Yeah, I like that, "We will accept your answer of Rooney." LAUGHTER

-It's Wayne Rooney.

-Wayne Rooney.

It may not be over, you may still be in. It's all in Gill's hands.

Gill, do you want to talk us through the board?

Um, not really, I suppose the top one's Simon Callow

but I'm going to go for the banking

which I think is Mark Carney.

Mark Carney, says Gill.

Mark Carney.

Here is your red line, it's very high, nice and high.

Get below that, you are through to the head-to-head.

Let's see if it's right and

let's see how many people said Mark Carney.

It's right, and you're through.

-11.

-Well, I'll take 11.

18 is your total. The lowest total, I might add, of the round.

Very well done indeed.

Sailing through on podium one, very well played, Gill. Terrific answer.

Benjamin, you're going to kick yourself with this footballer

because he's even more famous than Wayne Rooney.

Number seven after Eric Cantona was David Beckham.

David Beckham. It would have scored you 25 points.

The judge, yeah, it's not Simon Callow, it's Simon Cowell, of course.

24 points.

A very famous answer, this next one, but a very low score.

The actor and comedian was Stephen Fry.

It would have scored you 4 points.

Again, a very famous answer to the bottom one, but an even lower score.

One point for Gary Barlow.

Very well done if you said that.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

Well, surprise result at the end of our second round.

I'm afraid the pair who are heading home with their high score of 102,

so sorry, what an amazing performance in Round One.

Please come back and play again but, Benjamin and Jenny,

-you've been wonderful contestants, thank you so much.

-APPLAUSE

Back to the remaining two pairs, it's now time for our head-to-head.

Congratulations, Robert and Gill, Charlie and Rachel,

you are now one step closer to the final

and a chance to play for our jackpot which still stands at £2,500.

APPLAUSE

So now we decide who's going to go through to the final

and play for that money for their charity.

To do that we're now going to make you go head-to-head.

The first pair to win two questions will be playing for that jackpot.

Very, very best of luck to both pairs. Let's play the head-to-head.

OK, here is your first question and it concerns,

The Great British Bake Off.

The Great British Bake Off, Richard.

I'm going to show you five clues now, facts about the BBC series, The Great British Bake Off.

We just need you to give us the most obscure answer.

Thanks very much indeed.

So let's reveal our five clues and here they come.

We've got...

Let's read all of those one last time.

There we are, Robert and Gill.

No, because it's got 'bake' in it.

What's the Jo Brand thing called?

Shall we do the bottom one or the next one up?

We'll go with the bottom one, soggy bottom.

Soggy bottom, say Robert and Gill, soggy bottom.

Now, Charlie and Rachel, the board's all yours, talk us through it.

I think that's The Extra Slice.

...Isn't it?

The name of the final round is the Showstopper round. The name of

the judge is Paul Hollywood.

And you've answered the soggy bottom, so which is the...

I think I'd go for the Jo Brand one.

Oh, go on, it's The Extra Slice one.

The Extra Slice, say Charlie and Rachel.

Robert and Gill have gone for soggy bottom. Let's see if that's right

and, if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said soggy bottom.

It's right. 40.

Charlie and Rachel have gone for The Extra Slice.

Let's see if Extra Slice is right.

It's right.

And you win that point.

Look at that. 17.

For The Extra Slice, which means after one question,

-Charlie and Rachel, you are up 1-0.

-Well played, Rachel. Great answer.

Strictly speaking, it's An Extra Slice,

but The Extra Slice is perfectly acceptable.

The winner of the first series by far and away the best answer on this board.

Well done if you remember this. Edd Kimber for 2 points.

Very well done if you said Edd Kimber.

Terrific answer, unless you are Edd Kimber, in which case, c'mon!

The name of the final round, the Showstopper Challenge.

Would've scored more points than Extra Slice. Would've scored you 23

and Paul Hollywood, of course, is the judge.

Though, actually, scores fewer than soggy bottom. Scores 35 points.

There we are. Thank you very much indeed.

OK, so, here comes your second question.

Charlie and Rachel, you get to go first this time.

It concerns...

-Tabloid Musicals.

-We're going to show you five tabloid style headlines now

that refer to the plots of musicals past or present.

Can you tell us what the musical is from the headline.

Thank you very much indeed. OK, let's reveal our five headlines

and here they come.

We've got...

So, there we go.

Charlie and Rachel, you will answer this one first.

Which do you think...?

Yes...

We'll... It's very hard to choose...

We're going to go for E.

Miss Saigon.

Miss Saigon, say Charlie and Rachel. Miss Saigon.

Now, Robert and Gill. Talk this through the board.

The former nun, that's obviously

The Sound Of Music

and C is Les Miserables

and D is Mary Poppins.

-Yeah, go on.

-I think that, B,

we'll go for Little Shop Of Horrors.

Little Shop Of Horrors, say Robert and Gill.

So, we have Miss Saigon and we have Little Shop Of Horrors.

Now, Charlie and Rachel went for Miss Saigon. E.

Let's see if it's right, and if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said Miss Saigon.

35.

35 for Miss Saigon.

Now, Robert and Gill have gone for Little Shop Of Horrors

which was a guess.

But it could be an educated guess. We shall find out.

Is it a good answer, Little Shop Of Horrors.

It is! It's right!

Little Shop Of Horrors but it has to beat 35.

It does! 34!

Very well done.

You've broken back.

Robert and Gill, fantastic work there

after two questions it's 1-1.

It's been a good show all the way through, and best two answers on the board.

The Sound Of Music, which is A, would

have scored you a great deal more.

That would have scored you 83.

Les Miserables,

would have been a good answer,

but would have scored you more. 39.

And Mary Poppins, of course, D.

That would have scored you 71.

-Thanks...

-That was exciting.

-That was good, very exciting indeed.

Very, very well played, both teams. Here comes the decider.

Your third question. Whoever wins this goes to the final and plays for that jackpot

for their charities. Best of luck to both pairs.

It concerns...

Words about words, Richard.

Going to show you five words now that describe words but we've missed out alternate letters.

Can you fill in the gaps and give us the most obscure of these.

Very, very best of luck to both teams.

OK, thanks very much. So, let's reveal our five words with

missing letters and here they are.

I'll read all those one last time.

Now, Robert and Gill.

The trick here is going to be working out which is the lowest score, I suspect.

Yes...and that's impossible to do.

I think we do know them all but...

We do.

I think on the whole we will go for

the middle one as a neologism.

Neologism.

Or 'neolo-gism'. Or 'neo-logism'. Neologism!

-Neologism.

-Well, you now...

Right in with your favourite. OK...

-You know what I mean.

-I do, exactly.

Now, Charlie and Rachel, over to you.

We were arguing on which one to go for

and it was between the third one

and you wanted to go for the second, so we'll go for the second one.

Portmanteau.

Portmanteau. OK, so, we have neologism and port...

-I'm going to say 'port-man-toe'. I know it's not.

-OK.

So, Rob and Gill went for neologism. Let's see if that's right.

If it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said that.

That's a great answer. Look at that, 10!

10 for neologism.

They would steal that.

Charlie and Rachel have gone for portmanteau.

Let's see if that's right, and if it is, let's see how many people said portmanteau.

It's right.

It'll be close.

Oh, look at that! 8!

8 for portmanteau.

What an incredible head-to-head round this has been.

Charlie and Rachel,

after three questions you go through to the final 2-1.

The best two answers on the board again from our teams. Terrific work.

I think Rachel's gone through the board on every single question

apart from maybe the first one.

Onomatopoeia is the top one, of course.

Would've scored you 37.

-Synonym, huge score...

-'Sy-no-nym'?

'Sy-no-nym.' Yeah.

81.

'Pa-lin-dro-mey' is the bottom one there,

which would have scored you 56.

I say that in the original Latvian.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Thanks very much indeed, Richard.

Well, the pair leaving us, I'm sorry to say,

at the end of that exciting round is Robert and Gill.

An amazing performance

throughout the show so I'm really sorry to be saying goodbye,

but excellent contestants, Robert and Gill.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

But, for Charlie and Rachel,

it's now time for our Pointless final.

Congratulations Charlie and Rachel. You've seen off all the competition

and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy, so very, very well done.

You now have the chance to win our Pointless jackpot for your charities

and at the end of today's show the jackpot stands at £2,500.

You couldn't write it like this. I mean, for heaven's sake,

the drama, the twists, the turns we've been through today.

I mean, extraordinary. Now, you know what happens in this round,

you get to choose your category from four categories

we've put up on the board.

Let's see what's up there to start with.

See if there's anything up there you like the look of.

Today's choices are...

I'm not bad on films.

I'm not great on, kind of, things that happen,

-current affairs, The Year 2000.

-The Year 2000.

But, personally, I'd have a better chance, I think, on the films one...

-..Set in the 18th century.

-Films Set In The

-18th Century. Yes.

OK. Richard.

OK, very best of luck. We're looking for any actor credited

in any of the following three films, according to IMDb.

We are looking for any actor credited in the 1963 film, Tom Jones.

Anyone from Stanley Kubrick's 1975 film, Barry Lyndon

or anyone from the 1988 version of Dangerous Liaisons, please.

So, any actor credited in any of those films.

Very, very best of luck.

OK, now, as always you've got up to one minute

to come up with three answers.

Now, you need to win the jackpot for your charities

is for just one of those three answers to be pointless.

Are you ready?

-As we'll ever be.

-Yes.

Let's put 60 seconds on the clock.

There they are. Your time

-starts now.

-I can do the cast...

Go through Dangerous Liaisons.

Well, Uma Thurman...

Michelle Pfeiffer...

John Malkovich.

OK, we could go for...

Do we go for the more obscure ones?

If you know any more in the film to go for but we could go for either...

-Uma Thurman.

-Yeah, but, you've got to go for three, though.

Yeah, but they don't have to be from the same category.

-Yeah, I don't know any of the others.

-Well, I would...

I might take a punt on Michael Hordern,

cos he was always in old films of a historical nature,

-so, he may well have been in Barry Lyndon.

-Yeah, OK.

Who played Tom Jones in a Tom Jones?

-Did Tom Jones?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

It was... Was it...

Albert Finney...

Was Burt Reynolds in Barry Lyndon?

-No.

-No, OK

Barry Lyndon! I mean, I can see

the thing with the men in

-red trousers and...

-10 seconds left.

OK, who else was in...

There was John Malkovich. Who was the other man in...?

-I don't know.

-You must know.

Right, time's up

OK. As Charlie says, time is up.

I now need your three answers and if you say which category it is...

I'm not allowing you Michael Hordern.

Er... No, we've got to take a punt.

Right, we're going to go with Uma Thurman from Dangerous Liaisons.

Uma Thurman from Dangerous Liaisons.

I want to take a punt,

and it's a wild punt on Michael Hordern in Barry Lyndon.

-OK, and our third?

-Michael Hordern in Barry Lyndon.

-Let's go for Michelle Pfeiffer.

-You want to go for that? Right, hm.

-OK, Michelle Pfeiffer...

-Yep.

-..in Dangerous Liaisons.

-We've drawn a blank on that one.

There we are. Of those three, which is your best shot

at a pointless answer?

I think Uma Thurman is our better bet.

-Well, it doesn't matter.

-Oh, OK.

-Do you want to put Uma Thurman last, then?

-Yeah, go on.

-Yeah.

-Uma Thurman last.

-Least likely to be pointless?

-Michelle Pfeiffer.

Michelle Pfeiffer. So, Michelle, Michael, Uma.

OK, let's pop those answers up on the board in that order and here they are.

We've got...

Very best of luck. Your first answer was Michelle Pfeiffer.

In this case we were looking for cast members of Dangerous Liaisons.

Let's see if that's right.

If it's a correct answer and it is pointless

what will you be doing with your jackpot money?

Who will you be giving it to? Charlie?

Mine is going to The Reading Agency

who do a lot of fantastic work promoting reading and literacy

and they do a lot of work with libraries and promoting libraries.

Excellent. Rachel?

Mine will go to the Parkinson's Disease Society

because my mum was diagnosed with Parkinson's in her 40s

and she does a lot for it and I try to help as well.

Excellent. Very good.

-APPLAUSE

-Two fabulous charities there.

Fingers crossed. Michelle Pfeiffer, was your first answer for Dangerous Liaisons.

Let's see if it's right. If it is correct and pointless

you will leave here with that £2,500 jackpot for your charities.

Is Michelle Pfeiffer pointless?

Well, it's right.

That was the first thing it had to be.

Michelle Pfeiffer taking us down through the 50s and the 40s

through the 30s, 20s...

teens...

Oh, nearly single figures. 10.

APPLAUSE

10 for Michelle Pfeiffer, so, unfortunately,

not a pointless answer.

You have only two more shots at today's jackpot.

Your second answer was Michael Hordern

for Barry Lyndon, in this case,

we were looking for cast members of Barry Lyndon.

Please can Michael Hordern be a correct answer.

I will SO enjoy this.

Michael Hordern, is it right? Is it pointless?

-It's right!

-Oh, yeah! Well done!

-Charlie Higgs boson.

-Charlie Higgs boson.

Down it goes, Michael Hordern,

through the 20s, through the teens,

single figures, down it goes, down it goes, down it goes!

-You have done it!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is fantastic!

That is just brilliant.

Well done.

You did it!

-You, well done.

-Congratulations.

Michael Hordern was a pointless answer

which means you go home with that jackpot of £2,500

for your excellent charities.

Well done.

Well done!

The drama continues, Richard!

That was sensational. I take you back about two minutes, Rachel, where you said,

direct quote to Charlie, "I'm not going to let you have Michael Hordern."

And I'm glad you did let him have it cos Uma Thurman, your third answer,

-would have scored one point.

-Oh!

And I couldn't let that happen again, Charlie. That would be absolutely unacceptable.

It was brilliant stuff. Rachel, you carried Charlie through that head-to-head,

he carried you through the final and that's a great team. Well played.

Let's take a look at some other pointless answers in the other categories.

The cast of Tom Jones. Some famous names.

David Tomlinson, you could have had Diane Cilento,

Edith Evans is in that, Lynn Redgrave.

In fact, everybody is pointless apart from Albert Finney,

who was Tom Jones, and Susannah York.

So, every other cast member pointless there.

Let's take a look at Barry Lyndon.

Frank Middlemass, Leonard Rossiter, Michael Hordern.

He's the narrator in Barry Lyndon, Michael Hordern

-with that wonderful voice of his.

-I knew that(!)

-He was the narrator!

Steven Berkoff, also, in that. In fact, everyone apart from Ryan O'Neal pointless in that film.

But the pointless answers from Dangerous Liaisons, slightly more obscure names

in those last two categories.

-Mildred Natwick, Peter Capaldi...

-Oh!

-..would've been pointless answer.

Very well done if you said that at home. Swoosie Kurtz. That's a good name, isn't it?

If you've got a child on the way, Swoosie is worth thinking about.

And Valerie Gogan. Terrific answers, all of them, if you got them at home,

but it's been such a brilliant show. Genuinely, four great pairs

and you've been the best. Congratulations.

Charlie, I'm so pleased for you coming back and getting a pointless answer

and Rachel, congratulations. Been a pleasure having you both here.

Thanks very much, Richard. Well, thanks once again

to Charlie and Rachel, our winning players

who go away with today's jackpot of £2,500 to their charities.

Very, very well done.

Thank you.

Join us next time when we'll be putting more obscure knowledge to the test.

-Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard.

-Goodbye.

And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.