Theatre Pointless Celebrities

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong,

and welcome to this theatrical edition of Pointless Celebrities,

the show where the lowest scorers are the biggest winners.

Let's meet today's Pointless Celebrities.

APPLAUSE

And couple number one.

Hello! I'm Gwen Taylor, and I'm rehearsing for a tour

of Last Of The Duty Free with my friend Mr Barron here.

Hello. I'm Keith Barron,

and at the moment I'm trying to be an actor

with my dear friend here, Miss Taylor,

and it's very, very difficult, but it's lovely to be here.

I'll have to lie down in a minute!

And couple number two.

I'm Simon Callow, I'm an actor and a director,

and I also write books, and I'm just finishing one about Orson Welles

that I started 25 years ago.

Hello, I'm Imogen Stubbs, and I'm an actress.

I've just finished in Strangers On A Train in the West End.

APPLAUSE

Couple number three.

Hello! I'm Lysette Anthony, and I really am a pointless celebrity!

And I'm Christopher Timothy, and I'm fairly pointless too!

APPLAUSE

And finally, couple number four.

Hello, I'm Simon Shepherd, I'm an actor.

I've just finished in The Duck House in London, and I'm resting.

Hi, I'm Claire Sweeney, and I'm just about to star in a show

that I've written called Sex And The Suburbs.

And these are today's contestants! Thanks very much, all of you.

We'll get to know more about you as the show goes along.

That just leaves one more person to introduce,

described by Her Majesty's Prison Service

as "no longer a risk to society".

It's my Pointless friend. It's Richard.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hiya.

Hi, everybody.

-Oh, that's a nice introduction. Thank you.

-Isn't it?

-How are you?

-I'm very well.

-An exciting evening, isn't it?

-I know!

-Look at the talent on stage here.

-I know!

We've got two people who've been on the show before,

but they had very different shows.

Chris came on with Matthew Kelly, and they did very well,

got all the way through to the head-to-head,

but Claire on our last podium there, came on with Anthea Turner.

Oh, I was useless.

No, to be fair, Anthea was useless.

-Definitely!

-But she's traded up, I think.

We'll see if you've traded up this evening.

There's certainly a lot of pressure. But it should be an absolute cracker.

-What an amazing line-up. It's a real treat.

-Yeah.

Also, everyone's going to be enunciating really well, I think.

I know, yeah, no worry with delivery.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

Now, we've asked every question to 100 people before the show.

As ever, the aim of the game is to find a pointless answer,

an answer that none of our 100 people gave.

Each time that happens, we will add £250 to the jackpot.

Now, as today's show is a celebrity special

and each of our wonderful celebrities

is playing for a nominated charity, we start off with a jackpot of...

Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

OK, the only thing you have to remember is this.

The pair with the highest score at the end of each round

will be eliminated.

So you have to make sure that that is not you.

Our first category today is...

Geography!

Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first,

who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, let's find out what the question is.

We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many countries

with an MA in their names as they could.

Countries with an MA in their names. Richard?

We are looking for any country in the world which has

the letters MA in its name, please.

It has to be consecutively, like that.

So any country in the world with the word MA in its name, please.

As always, by "country" we mean a sovereign state

that's a member of the UN in its own right. Very, very best of luck.

Well, there we go. Thank you.

-Gwen, welcome to Pointless. It's lovely to have you here.

-Thank you!

Now, you didn't start out as an actress, did you?

No, I was a bank clerk for, ooh, about ten years.

-And here you are bringing Duty Free back as a live show.

-We are.

-That's exciting.

-We're all a bit ancient, I have to say.

Even the director's about 75, isn't he?

But we're going to give it a go, and it should be quite good.

Gwen, it's always hard going first, but you are going first.

-OK.

-A country with MA in its name.

Camaroon.

-Camaroon, says Gwen.

-It's probably M-E.

-Let's see if it is M-E.

Let's see if it's right. Is it right?

How many people said it if it is? Camaroon.

-Oh, I'm sorry, Gwen, I'm afraid it's wrong.

-I'm going early!

You may not be. Anything can happen. The round is young.

But that, I'm afraid, is wrong. It scores you 100 points. Sorry.

Yeah, sorry, Gwen, C-A-M-E, I'm afraid.

-I knew it as soon as I said it.

-Very good, Gwen, anyway.

And almost certainly won't be the last hundred of the round.

I'm sure of it.

Thanks very much indeed. Simon...

-Germany.

-..a warm welcome to you.

-Simon, have you got somewhere to be?

Simon, I know what your answer's going to be.

That's a good answer, isn't it? Well, we'll discover.

-All those things you listed, this book you've just written.

-Yes.

Why did it take so long?

-I suppose all the other things you have to do.

-No, no, no.

It's in three volumes, and two volumes have already come out.

And the first volume was 650 pages and the second volume was 500,

and the last volume's 750 pages, so it's been taking a while.

It's all gone? It's all finished?

-No, not quite.

-You're dotting i's and crossing t's.

-Yes.

-Now, Simon, you've given your answer. Germany.

-Germany was my answer, yes.

-OK.

Let's find out if Germany's right. I'm guessing it is!

Let's find out how many of our 100 people said Germany.

It's right.

APPLAUSE

47 for Germany.

Well played. Yeah, it's got an MA right in the middle of it, hasn't it?

Just between the ER and the NY.

If you look it up in the dictionary, there it is.

OK, thank you very much indeed. Now then. Welcome back, Chris.

Thank you. It's good to be back.

A head-to-header last time with Matthew Kelly.

You were at the National Theatre under Olivier.

-I was, yeah.

-That must have been a real golden age of theatre.

It was, in my very humble opinion,

when the National Theatre was at its absolute best.

Well, Chris, a little bit of pressure taken off you

by the high score on the first podium, but for fun, Simon got 47.

Do you think you can get less than that with your answer?

I'm not even sure what I'm going to say is a country. I think it is.

-Ready?

-Yes.

-OK. Pause for laugh, and...

-Panama.

-AUDIENCE MURMURS

Panama. OK, let's see how many of our 100 people said Panama.

It's going to be a no.

It is most definitely a country.

-25! Chris, well done!

-APPLAUSE

Lowest score so far.

Yeah, very good answer, Chris.

Connects North and South America, a small land bridge between the two.

-Thank you, Richard. Simon, welcome.

-Hello.

-Welcome.

-You've just come off stage, I mean not literally.

-Two days ago.

-Two days ago, with my friend Ben Miller.

-Absolutely.

-And you're here.

-I'm here.

-You're a slave to your craft.

-I'm mad. But I love this programme.

-Oh, you are kind.

So tell me. Ben Miller, what's he really like?

That guy can make anyone look good. Am I right?

Simon, what are you going to go for?

-Malaysia.

-Malaysia, says Simon. Let's see if it's right,

let's see how many of our 100 people said Malaysia.

Well, 47 is our highest correct score. You've passed that.

-Oh, look at that! Down you go to 20!

-APPLAUSE

A new low score, Simon. Well done.

Another very good answer. Yeah, Malaysia.

They've won six Olympic medals, five of them for badminton.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

We're halfway through the round. Let's look at those scores.

In reverse order, Simon, very well done.

Simon and Claire looking very strong on 20 at this stage.

And up to 25, where we find Chris and Lysette.

Up to 47, where we find Simon C and Imogen.

-And then up to 100 - I'm sorry, Gwen.

-I'm sorry.

Always tough going first, without exception, I'm afraid.

-Keith, it puts quite a burden squarely on your shoulders.

-I know.

But if anyone's up to the task, Keith, I think it is you.

So best of luck with coming up with a nice, obscure country

with an MA in its name. We're going to come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

Claire, welcome back. Great to have you here. On with Anthea last time.

-Round One.

-Yes.

-Look how well you've done this time.

-Fantastic.

Simon, isn't he brilliant?

Well, it was a smart move to let him go first, I think.

Well, I suppose it was,

but I think you're going to have a good answer.

But before you give us that, tell us about this show you're doing.

It's called Sex And the Suburbs.

It's a comedy that I've written with my friend Mandy Muden,

and it started from me telling a producer

-about all my disastrous dating stories.

-Yeah.

And he says to me, "You've got to make a show out of this."

So I've collected all my girlfriends' stories.

And it's a live radio phone-in, people phone in with their problems,

and the problems come to life on stage.

Well, very best of luck with that.

You're on 20 at the moment. If you can score 79 or less,

you are definitely through to the next round.

OK...

Mauritius.

Mauritius, says Claire. Mauritius.

OK, you want to get below that red line

to be sure of a place in the next round.

But is Mauritius right, and if it is, how many people said it?

-It's right.

-Yes!

You're through.

APPLAUSE

47 is your total.

-You are through.

-Well played, Claire. That's much better, isn't it?

One of the richest countries in Africa, Mauritius.

Thanks very much indeed. Lysette, welcome. Lovely to have you here.

-You started off very, very early on in theatre, didn't you?

-I did.

I started out when I was ten and got so precocious

I was shoved off to a rather strict boarding school

immediately after we closed.

And what was that? What were you doing?

My parents used to put on shows.

They did Pinocchio every year in the West End, at the Cambridge,

and Billy Bunter shows, and my mother let me play a kitten

and regretted it for the rest of her life!

What an experience at age ten at the Cambridge Theatre.

Yes, I did a lot of cat acting, upstaged everyone,

and not much has changed since, really, has it?

Well, listen, you've been set up quite well by Chris there.

-He's been set up, and I want to apologise, Chris.

-You'll be fine!

It's fine. Let me tell you how fine it is. You have to score 74 or less.

74 or less and you're through.

OK.

Majorca.

Majorca. Majorca.

We have to find out if it's right, and if it's right,

let's see how many people said Majorca.

There's your red line.

-Oh, I knew it.

-I'm afraid an incorrect answer.

It's not the end of the world.

You're not that far ahead of the high-scorers at this point.

It scores you 100 points, takes your total up to 125.

Sorry, Lysette, it's part of Spain, I'm afraid.

-It has an MA in it, though.

-It does.

-The MA work was terrific.

I don't have an MA, but anyway, let's move swiftly on!

Thank you very much indeed.

Imogen, welcome to the show. Of all the shows we've done so far,

you are my first relation.

-Lovely to have you here.

-It's lovely to be here.

-And you've just come off stage, Strangers On A Train.

-Yes.

How do you feel when you finish a run?

Are you mostly excited about having freedom again,

or do you really miss everyone?

A bit of both.

You grieve for the whole cast and everything,

but we were in it for five months, so I'm happy to be out of it.

And how are the two of you related?

We're second cousins.

My grandfather and Imogen's grandmother were brother and sister.

That's nice.

Imogen, there you are, you are on 47.

The highest scorers at the moment, Lysette and Chris, on 125,

so 77 or less

gets you through.

OK...

Denmark?

Denmark!

Good theatrical country there. OK, here's your red line.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Denmark.

It's right.

And you're through. Very well done.

-Down it goes. 18. Good score!

-APPLAUSE

In fact, the lowest score of the round so far.

Denmark takes your total up to 65. Well done on podium two.

Well played. That's what happens when you have a relative on.

-Best score of the round.

-Yep.

-How about that?

Blimey! It's true what they say about recessive genes, isn't it?

Yeah! Yeah.

Thanks very much, Richard...

-So, Keith.

-Sir.

You were thrown a lifeline there.

You have to score 24 or less, and if you do,

you're through to the next round.

-But, Keith, Duty Free, let's talk about that for a moment or two.

-Yes.

Dearly loved.

Do you think - cos we had Birds Of A Feather on,

and they toured it and then it was picked up again.

-Like we're going to do.

-Are you?

-Well, we're going to tour it.

-It might be rubbish. Probably will be.

-It's not going to be rubbish!

But we don't know what's going to happen at the end.

But it's been prompted, I think, by Birds Of A Feather.

But it's so many years ago since we did it. I mean,

I keep saying 35, and they all shout and say it's 27.

What's the difference? It is a long time.

Now, what you have to do is score 24 or less with your answer.

Well, I do have an answer. I'm not sure whether it's a country.

It could be a county in Wales.

Sumatra.

Sumatra. There's your red line.

If you get below that with your answer,

you are through to the next round.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Sumatra.

-Oh!

-Oh! Perhaps I can't spell it.

No, there's nothing wrong with the spelling, surely.

We'll discover in a second why that's incorrect,

but I'm afraid it is incorrect and it scores you 100 points..

-Another 100?

-Yes!

-I like a big score.

Went out with a bang, at least.

-Richard?

-Yeah, not a country, I'm afraid, Sumatra.

It's an Indonesian island, it's part of Indonesia.

-I'd like to go there.

-Now?

There's no pointless answers. Let's look at the three lowest scorers.

A couple of other low scorers, San Marino, Mauritania 5,

Macedonia and Oman would have scored you 6,

and Somalia would have scored you 8.

Let's take a look at the top three, the ones that most people said.

And we've already heard the top answer, which is Germany on 47.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard.

At the end of our first round, I'm sorry to say

the pair heading home, with our high score of 200, it's Keith and Gwen.

I'm so sorry.

-It's been lovely having you on.

-Thank you very much.

You're mayfly-like. It's been far too brief.

And, Keith, you've barely cleared your throat

and we've got to send you home.

I think he did it on purpose to make me feel better. I'm sure he did.

You're going to have a wonderful year touring. Best of luck.

And please come back and play again, when I'm sure you'll do much better.

In the meantime, thanks very much for playing. Keith and Gwen!

APPLAUSE

But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.

So three pairs remain. At the end of this round,

we'll say goodbye to another pair in time for our head-to-head round.

It's going to be a very exciting second round.

Best of luck to all three pairs. Our category for Round Two is...

There we are, Directors & Actors.

Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first and second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, and the question concerns...

Spielberg actors. Richard?

On each board, we'll give you

six characters from Steven Spielberg films

and the initial of the actor who played that character.

You just need to tell us the name of the actor.

Six on each board, 12 in all to have a go at at home.

So, very best of luck.

OK, so the actors with these initials

who played these roles in Spielberg films,

and here's our first board of six.

I'll read those all again.

Imogen?

Liam Neeson playing Schindler.

OK, Liam Neeson, says Imogen.

Let's see if that's right, let's see how many of our 100 said it.

-APPLAUSE

-47 for Liam Neeson.

Well played, Imogen. Also starring Ralph Fiennes and Ben Kingsley.

He was Oscar nominated for that.

Thank you very much. Lysette?

Erm, Julia Roberts, Tinkerbell.

Julia Roberts. Let's see if that's right,

let's see how many people said Julia Roberts.

You've passed 47.

APPLAUSE

-Very well done. 18 for Lysette for Tinkerbell.

-Well played.

Also starring Dustin Hoffman and Robin Williams,

and also Gwyneth Paltrow as young Wendy, her second ever film role.

Thank you very much indeed.

Now, Simon, you're the last person to have this board.

Do you fancy talking us through the board and filling in all the bits?

I only know one that I'm sure of.

That's Harrison Ford...

..which is going to probably be 100 anyway,

-but Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford.

-OK, Harrison Ford, says Simon.

Let's see if that's right, let's see how many people said Harrison Ford.

It's right.

APPLAUSE

It's a lot better than 100, though. 73, not bad.

Yeah, you've got to take those points if you don't know the others,

because it is better than 100.

Now, I'm sure you can all have a go at all of these.

John Quincy Adams, played by a very famous Welsh actor.

-ALL:

-Anthony Hopkins.

Anthony Hopkins, yep. That would have scored you 4 points.

Victor Navorski is in his film The Terminal.

Multi-Oscar-winning actor.

Anyone?

-Lysette?

-Tom Hanks.

-Tom Hanks, yeah.

-You put your hand up!

-That's good. No-one's ever done that before!

I like that. 16 points for that.

And Hooper, if you look at the year the film was in,

it was one of Spielberg's first ever big hits.

-It's Richard Dreyfuss.

-In Jaws, yeah.

That would have scored you 3 points. The best answer up there.

We're halfway through the round. Let's take a look at those scores.

18, Lysette and Chris looking very strong at this point.

Then up to 47, where we find Imogen and Simon C.

Then up to 73, where we find Simon S and Claire.

Now, Claire, you have first dibs of the next board,

so a nice, low score may be enough to keep you in the game.

We're going to come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, let's put six more characters up on the board, and here they come.

I'll read those all one last time.

Claire?

I'm going to go for the most obvious one here,

Abraham Lincoln, Daniel Day-Lewis.

Daniel Day-Lewis. Well, you're the high-scorers, so let's see.

There's going to be no red line for you.

Let's see how far down the column you can get with Daniel Day-Lewis.

APPLAUSE

59 takes your total up to 132.

Yeah, big score again, but if someone else gets 100, it's the thing to do.

They say he stayed in character so much,

he stayed in character even whilst texting his co-stars.

Quite scary, but, yeah, I guess.

He would tweet in four score and 60 characters.

-Thank you. Chris, you...

-What?

-..are through...

-That's very good maths, apart from anything else!

-Thank you. Phew!

Chris, you're through to the next round.

You're through. Even if you score 100 points, which I know you won't,

you're through.

Well, I'm not even sure it's Michael Douglas, Private Ryan.

Private Ryan, Michael Douglas. Let's see if that's right.

No red line for you, because you're through.

Let's see how many people said Michael Douglas.

No. Not Michael Douglas, I'm afraid, Chris.

That scores you 100 points, takes your total up to 118,

but it couldn't matter less, you're through.

Sorry, Chris. I'll give you the answer at the end of the pass,

just in case Simon wants to have a go at the same one.

Now, Simon, this board's all yours.

You can fill in all the gaps and do all your talking out loud.

SIMON SIGHS

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, I can't do any of them.

I was going to say Michael Douglas. That's wrong, we know that.

-Michael Deacon...

-LAUGHTER

Michael Deacon for Private Ryan.

Let's see if that was one of Deacon's roles.

There's your red line.

Is Michael Deacon right?

No. I'm sorry, I'm afraid it's incorrect.

Scores you 100 points, takes your total up to 147.

Yeah, Michael Deacon didn't get the part, I'm afraid.

Two call-backs, as well, and nothing. Didn't get it.

Shall I tell you who it went to?

Went to Matt Damon, of all people.

Matt Damon, and that would have scored you 24 points.

Now, the top one, that's from ET.

-Drew Barrymore.

-Drew Barrymore, exactly.

Would have scored you 4.

Now, TC, one of the most famous movie actors in the world.

-Tom Cruise.

-Tom Cruise, yeah. Would have scored 18.

Tintin, a great young British actor.

-Jamie Bell.

-Jamie Bell.

Would have scored you 6 points. And Celie Johnson?

It's Whoopi Goldberg. 2 points.

That's the best answer up there, Whoopi Goldberg.

Thank you very much indeed. So at the end of our second round,

I'm afraid the pair who are heading home, with their high score of 147,

it's Simon and Imogen. I'm sorry.

Sorry not to give you a board you liked better.

-But will you come back and play another time, please?

-Of course.

It'd be wonderful to have you back. Thank you for playing.

-Simon and Imogen!

-APPLAUSE

But for Lysette and Chris, Claire and Simon

it's now time for our head-to-head.

Congratulations, Claire and Simon, Lysette and Chris,

you're now one step closer to the final

and the chance to play for our jackpot, which currently stands

at £2,500.

APPLAUSE

This is where we decide who goes to the final and plays for that money,

and to do that you're now going to go head-to-head.

The only difference is you're now allowed to confer before you answer.

The first pair to win two questions will be playing for that jackpot.

Well, this is, I think, going to be very, very hard-fought.

Best of luck to both pairs. Let's play the head-to-head.

APPLAUSE

OK, here comes your first question, and it concerns...

UK hit singles by the Beatles. Richard?

We're going to show you five pictures now, all of which are visual clues

to words in the titles of Beatles top 40 hits.

You just need to tell us the name of the hit, please.

We're going to give you the year in which it was a top 40 hit, as well.

So just five visual clues.

OK, let's reveal our five clues, and here they are. We've got...

OK, there they all are.

Now, Claire and Simon, you've played best throughout the show so far,

so you will go first.

-CLAIRE:

-OK, we're going to go for B,

-Paperback Writer.

-Paperback Writer, say Claire and Simon.

Lysette and Christopher, talk us through that board, if you can.

Yellow Submarine, Paperback Writer, don't know the sweet,

don't know the coin. Is Penny To Ride one?

Was that a title?

-Let's do E. At least we've got it.

-OK, E, Hey Jude.

OK, E, Hey Jude. So, we have Paperback Writer, we have Hey Jude.

Claire and Simon said Paperback Writer, B. Let's see if it's right,

and if it is, let's see how many people said it.

It's right.

APPLAUSE

28 for Paperback Writer.

Now, Lysette and Chris, you have gone for Hey Jude for E.

Let's see if that's right,

and if it is, let's see how many people said that.

It's right.

APPLAUSE

Two good answers, but, Claire and Simon, you win that one.

-You're up 1-0.

-Well played, Claire and Simon.

Let's clear up D. Ticket To Ride was the one you were thinking of,

-but that's Penny Lane.

-Of course.

-Of course it's Penny Lane.

60 points for Penny Lane.

The big scorer is A, though.

That's obviously a submarine, which gives you a clue to Yellow Submarine.

That would have scored you 90 points.

And C is a pointless answer,

and it's Ain't She Sweet.

Very well done if you said that at home.

Thanks very much indeed. Here comes your second question.

Lysette and Chris, you have to win this to stay in the game.

But you do get to answer it first, though. It concerns...

Favourite foods of fictional characters. Richard?

We're going to show you a list of foods and drinks

and a fictional character associated with them.

We're also going to give you the initials of that fictional character.

Can you name the characters, please?

OK, let's reveal our foods and drinks, and here they are.

I'll read those all again.

Lysette and Christopher will go first.

THEY WHISPER

-LYSETTE:

-I think we'll go for the second one. Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. OK.

-You say it.

We'll go for Wallace and Gromit.

Wallace and Gromit, say Lysette and Chris.

Now then, Claire and Simon, do you want to talk us through the board?

-SIMON:

-We were going to do Wallace and Gromit.

-Yeah! Erm...

And spinach, Popeye.

-Duff Beer, I haven't got a clue.

-I haven't got a clue.

-I think the only one that we're sure of is...

-Popeye?

..is Popeye, which is spinach, and that's going to be very high.

OK, you're going to say Popeye.

So we have Wallace and Gromit and we have Popeye.

Lysette and Christopher said Wallace and Gromit for Wensleydale cheese.

Let's see how many people said that.

It's right.

Ooh, look at that, 91! Whoo!

-APPLAUSE

-They're popular!

Claire and Simon have said spinach, Popeye.

Let's see if that's right, let's see how many people said Popeye.

-It's right.

-LAUGHTER

-99 for Popeye!

-APPLAUSE

Whoa!

Well done, Lysette and Chris,

for finding such an obscure answer on that board...!

After two questions, it's 1-1.

Yeah, 91 is a big winning score, I have to say.

It's very impressive. Now, let's fill in the rest of these.

You've got lasagna, Garfield.

Would have scored you 39.

Chili dogs...

You can fill in the gaps there. Sonic the Hedgehog.

Ah, yes!

8 points. And Duff Beer.

-Homer Simpson.

-Homer Simpson.

And that would have scored you 69 points.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard. I knew it was going to be close.

I didn't think it was going to be that close! But here we are.

It comes down to a third question. Whoever wins this goes to the final

and plays for that jackpot for their respective charities.

Best of luck to both pairs. It concerns...

Voyager 1, Richard.

We're going to show you five clues to facts about the NASA probe Voyager 1.

Whichever team gives us the best answer will play for the jackpot.

-Very best of luck.

-OK, let's reveal our five clues, and here they come.

I'll read those all one last time.

Claire and Simon, you go first.

It's a bit of a worry for me,

-because I didn't even know what Voyager 1 was.

-No.

-So...!

-OK...

-But we're going to have a go.

-Good.

-Yep.

-Go on.

-We're going to suggest that it was Jupiter and Mars.

OK, Jupiter and Mars, say Claire and Simon. Jupiter and Mars.

Now, Lysette and Christopher...

Do you want to just talk us through that board?

I can't remember who recorded Johnny B Goode.

The greatest rock and roll guitarist in the world, isn't he?

-No clues!

-I'm ashamed to say. Otherwise, I haven't got a clue.

Well, we'd better give a date.

I'm going to give the year I was born. 1963.

-OK. Do you want to...

-Go later.

-No, that's fine.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-You want me to be the one that topples us.

-So you're going to go...

for the '60s.

-Is that what you're saying?

-If you think it's later, then go later.

'70s. '70s. OK, the 1970s. You're going to go for the 1970s.

So, Claire and Simon have said Jupiter and Mars.

Let's see if that's right,

and if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said Mars.

No! I'm afraid not Jupiter and Mars.

You're thinking of Fly Me To The Moon, I think.

Anyway, Lysette and Chris have gone for the 1970s,

the decade Voyager 1 was launched. Let's see if it's right.

If it is, let's see how many of our 100 said it.

All it has to be is right and you'll go through to the final.

It's right! Very well done.

It was indeed the '70s,

-and 20 of our 100 people knew it.

-APPLAUSE

Chris, I never doubted you for a minute.

I knew you were going through. Very well done.

After three questions, it's 2-1. Well done.

Yeah, it was launched in 1977. It's still going strong.

It was the first man-made object to leave our solar system.

They thought it wouldn't last half the time, and it's still going now.

In fact, it's going so far that the answer to the distance one

is 12 billion miles.

That's a pointless answer, so well done if you said that.

12 billion miles away.

The US cosmologist is Carl Sagan. That would have scored you 7 points.

Now, the two planets, Jupiter, and Saturn was the other one.

23 points for that.

And Johnny B Goode, Chris,

-is Chuck Berry.

-Of course!

-How would that have scored?

-That would have scored 18.

So the 1970s was a perfectly good answer.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard. So the pair leaving us now,

I'm sorry to say, Claire and Simon,

who've played so well throughout the show.

It's been wonderful having you. Claire, you've done so much better.

Look at this, our low-scorers in the head-to-head round.

You have to come back. That's all there is for it.

Thank you for playing. Simon and Claire, great to have you here.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

But for Lysette and Chris, it's now time for our Pointless final.

Congratulations, Lysette and Chris. You've seen off all the competition

and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.

-Yay! Sorry.

-You now have a chance to win...

I've never won anything! So I want to thank my mum, I want to...

You have a chance to win our jackpot for your respective charities,

and at the end of today's show the jackpot stands at £2,500.

APPLAUSE

Now, as always, you get to choose your category for this last round,

and there are four options for you to choose from. We've got...

You say what you want to do.

-I'd like to do Goon Films.

-You start, then.

But that's because I'm so old.

-And my dad was the announcer on The Goon Show.

-Really?

But that doesn't mean... No, no, that doesn't mean anything!

-But what would you rather do?

-Well...

-Language of Poetry, I bet.

-Yeah, I'll try poetry.

-OK, let's do that.

-It's smarter.

-I don't see how I can fail. Let's go.

OK, Language of Poetry, please.

Language of Poetry. Wow. OK, Language of Poetry it is.

Interesting choice, Christopher, if your dad was the...

Why are we not doing the Goons? I don't understand.

So, we are looking for words that occur in certain poems. OK?

We're looking for words of six letters or more

that appear in the following three poems.

Shakespeare's sonnet Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day.

Obviously, compare and summer's we won't take.

So any words of six or more.

Very best of luck.

Thank you very much indeed.

Now, you've got up to one minute to come up with three answers,

and all you need to win that jackpot for your charities

is for just one of those answers to be pointless. Are you ready?

-Are you ready?

-Yes, OK.

-OK, let's put 60 seconds on the clock.

There they are. Your time starts now.

-In Jabberwocky, there's one word, which is fraptuous.

-Marvellous.

-Take that one.

-Fraptuous.

-OK, If, If...

There must be striving, there must be, erm...

If... "You're a man, my son," but that's not six.

If you joined them together it would be.

Oh, God!

Er, "How shall I compare thee to a summer's day..."

Blank.

If...

Callooh callay, what rapturous joy...

Callooh, C-A-L...

I don't know how to spell it.

-You think of yours, let me try and think of mine.

-I've got two.

OK, well, that's amazing.

Not if one of them's wrong.

If...

Something... Oh, God!

Ten seconds left.

"If I should..."

OK, I'm afraid that's your minute up. I now need your three answers.

What are you going to give me?

-Fraptuous.

-Fraptuous?

-Yes.

-OK.

-Fraptuous.

-That's from Jabberwocky.

-Jabberwocky, yep.

-Callooh.

-Callooh.

Also...

..from Jabberwocky.

-Can I give another one from Jabberwocky?

-Please do.

-Callay.

Callay. So we've got fraptuous, callooh, callay.

All from Jabberwocky. OK. There we are.

Of those three, which is your best shot at a pointless answer?

-Fraptuous, I would have thought.

-Fraptuous we'll put last.

Least likely to be pointless?

-Callooh or callay.

-OK, we'll put callooh first

and callay in the middle.

OK, let's pop those answers up in that order, and here they are.

We have callooh, callay and fraptuous.

Callooh, callay and fraptuous.

Well, very, very best of luck. Your first answer was callooh,

the one you thought was probably the least likely to be pointless.

Only one has to be pointless

for you to win the jackpot for your nominated charities.

Can I just ask what your charities are? Lysette?

-Mind, for mental health.

-Excellent. Chris?

It's the St Wilfrid's Hospice in Chichester.

-Excellent. Well, two...

-APPLAUSE

Two wonderful charities there. Worthy causes.

Let's hope at least one of these answers on the board

will win that jackpot for those charities.

As I say, callooh is your first answer.

Let's find out if it's right and, if it is, if it's pointless.

If it is, it will win you £2,500 for your charities.

Let's see how many people said callooh.

It's right.

It's right. Now, if this goes all the way down to zero,

you will leave here immediately with £2,500 for your charities.

Down it goes. Still going down. Through single figures. Going down.

No!

APPLAUSE

You're very clever!

-It's

-1! I'm so impressed!

-One person got callooh out of our 100.

My brother. It would have been my brother.

That is a fantastic score.

So, disappointingly, not a pointless, though, I'm afraid,

which means we have to move on to your next answer, which is callay.

-HE SIGHS

-I wonder if callay scored

lower than callooh.

Let's find out if it's right,

and if it's pointless it'll win £2,500. How many people said callay?

Well, it's also right.

Callooh, your first answer, went all the way down, tantalisingly, to 1.

Callay now going down through the teens and into single figures.

Still going down. Down it goes.

-And I'm afraid that also stops on 1.

-APPLAUSE

Oh, Chris, it's amazing!

One more chance. Everything is now riding on your third answer,

which is fraptuous.

Fraptuous.

Let's find out if that's right and, if it's right, if it's pointless.

If it's both of those, you leave here with £2,500 for your charities.

Let's see how many people said fraptuous.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-APPLAUSE

That is an incorrect answer.

Two amazing answers there. So close.

You didn't find that all-important pointless answer,

so I'm afraid you don't win today's jackpot of £2,500.

However, as it is a celebrity special, we're going to donate

£500 to each celebrity pair for their respective charities.

And we have loved having you on the show. You've been absolutely superb.

Chris, head-to-head last time, through to the final this time.

That's a great achievement. And you get a Pointless trophy each.

-So, very, very well done.

-APPLAUSE

That's very unlucky. Quite often,

when there's one-pointers, it's different from the ones of 100,

but I'm guessing the person who knew callooh also knew callay,

because it's "Callooh! Callay!" I'm assuming that's the same person.

And fraptuous doesn't exist?

-It's not fraptuous, it's frabjous, I'm afraid, with a B.

-Ah, yes.

It's "O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"

And frabjous was a pointless answer. AUDIENCE GROANS

So, particularly unlucky. I'm sorry about that.

But let's look at the pointless answers in the different poems.

There'll be other ones you know, I'm sure.

There's a few others. Galumphing you could have had, snicker-snack.

You could have had Tumtum, uffish. Whiffling, as well, was pointless.

Let's take a look at If.

"And lose and start again at your beginnings."

Doubting, knaves, waiting.

You also could have had broken, friends, hating,

pitch-and-toss we'd have accepted, twisted, yourself.

All of those are pointless answers.

Let's take a look at Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day.

You could also have had breathe, dimmed, shines, sometime,

so lots of pointless answers out there.

Really, really close to the jackpot. Very well played.

That's terrific.

Unfortunately we have to say goodbye, Lysette and Chris,

but it's been wonderful having you on the show. Thank you for playing.

-Lysette and Chris.

-APPLAUSE

Join us next time,

when we'll be putting more obscure knowledge to the test.

-Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard.

-Goodbye.

And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE