The Noughties Pointless Celebrities

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong,

and a very warm welcome to this special Noughties edition

of Pointless Celebrities,

the show where obvious answers mean nothing

and obscure answers mean everything.

Let's meet today's Pointless celebrities.

APPLAUSE

And couple number one.

Yeah, I'm Ben Cohen, and I was part of the England rugby team

that won the Rugby World Cup back in 2003,

and chairman of the Ben Cohen StandUp Foundation.

And I'm Kyran Bracken, also part of the Rugby World Cup in 2003...

-You were.

-..and, like Ben, I like to wear Lycra.

Yes. Love it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Couple number two.

Hello, I'm Ricky Groves, probably best known for playing Garry Hobbs

in EastEnders during the noughties.

I'm Cheryl Fergison,

and I'm probably best known for playing Heather Trott

in EastEnders in the noughties.

APPLAUSE

Couple number three.

Hello, I'm Patrick Baladi,

I played Neil Godwin in The Office during the noughties.

I also played rugby with Kyran Bracken...

not in 2003, but back at school, and I think we were on a par then.

Hi, I'm Ewen MacIntosh,

and I spent the early part of the noughties also in The Office,

where I played Keith.

APPLAUSE

And finally, couple number four.

Hi, I'm Dani Harmer, I'm an actress and I used to be in Tracy Beaker.

Hello, I'm Zoe Salmon, TV presenter and former Blue Peter presenter.

APPLAUSE

These are today's contestants - thank you all very much indeed,

we'll find out more about each of you

throughout the show, as it goes along.

So, that just leaves one more person for me to introduce -

he's ultra competitive. You should see him playing Hungry Hippos.

-It's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.

-Hiya.

-APPLAUSE

-Evening, everybody. Evening.

-Good evening to you.

-And to you, sir.

-How are you?

-I'm really well, thank you.

Now, one of these pairs is a proper superstar pair at Pointless,

and that's Ricky and Cheryl on podium two, there.

They've been to a final, they've got Pointless trophies already -

they're almost unstoppable.

Whereas the likes of Ewen - Ewen's been on before -

Round One, wasn't it, Ewen?

Yeah.

But I think you've traded up your partner -

you were with Simon Greenall, weren't you, last time?

Yeah, this guy's got a big old brain on him.

Yeah, well, this guy, he went to school with Kyran Bracken.

-KYRAN:

-He hasn't, he definitely hasn't.

-LAUGHTER

-Seriously.

Don't say that just yet, cos we might go out first.

-Yes, that's true.

-Thanks very much, Richard.

Now, as usual, all of today's questions have been put

to 100 people before the show.

Our contestants here are looking for

those all-important pointless answers

that none of our 100 people gave.

Each time that happens, we will add £250 to the jackpot.

Now, as today's show is a celebrity special,

and each of our celebrities here is playing for a nominated charity,

we start off with a jackpot of £2,500 - there it is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

Now, remember, the pair with the highest score

at the end of each round will be eliminated.

All you have to do is make sure you are not in that pair.

Basically, score as low as you possibly can.

Now, please remember, for the first two rounds,

there is to be no conferring at all.

You're on your own. Remember that. Best of luck.

Our first category this evening is...

CHERYL SIGHS

British Television. Heavy sigh from Cheryl there.

Can you all decide in your pairs who'll go first, who'll go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, and the question concerns...

2014 TV Judges and Presenters.

-Richard.

-Yeah, Xander's about to show you a list

of four very popular TV shows, and we're looking for anybody

who is a regular presenter or judge on any of these four shows.

So, anyone who's a regular presenter or judge on any of these four shows,

plus any of the TV spin-offs of these shows - but in 2014.

OK, so, as Richard's just said,

we're going to put these four shows up,

and they'll stay on the board the whole way through the round -

we won't be changing halfway. Here are those four shows.

They are...

We want judges or presenters from any of these four shows in 2014.

Now, Ben, welcome to Pointless.

We just had your uncle George on, not that long ago.

-That's right, yeah.

-Yeah.

He told me he made it round to the second round,

and he's already primed me - if I don't get any better,

then I'm obviously going to get stick, so make these questions easy!

Yeah - as easy as this, for example. Nice easy one to get you in, there.

But Ben, for a lot of people,

I would say that one of the great highlights of the noughties

was that World Cup-winning match.

Just fantastic. Do you still have dreams about that?

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night thinking, "Wey!"

-Er, not 11 years after, no.

-Really?

But do you know what? It was a fantastic era, and a fantastic time,

especially in English rugby.

And, of course, you know, you talked about my uncle -

-it was a fantastic family double.

-Yeah.

We shared that moment, and it was a special thing for the family -

but, yeah, it was a fantastic time and a fantastic era,

and it was indescribable in many ways.

Fabulous.

OK, now, judges and presenters on TV shows of 2014, Ben.

How are you feeling about that?

I should...be...OK.

Let's just play it by ear.

-Let's just...

-OK.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Cos I'm kind of wanting you to give an answer, that's the...

-LAUGHTER

-Choose one.

-Yeah.

I'm going to go with... I want to go with Strictly.

Strictly Come Dancing.

Yes. LAUGHTER

What have I got to do?

Er...

Anyone who's been a judge... How was I going to score that?

LAUGHTER

"Strictly Come Dancing." Well, let's see.

All right, Darcey Brussels.

LAUGHS: OK.

OK. HE LAUGHS

I'm really sorry. Darcey...

We're going to go for Darcey Bruss... HE LAUGHS

It's just...

-That's it, innit?

-No.

-Darcey Brussels.

I want to go home!

I'm going to... I'm going to change.

Oh, Ben, I'm sorry, no, I have to take that answer.

-Just take it.

-I'm really sorry...

Listen, it might not be the worst answer... Well, I dunno.

LAUGHTER

-I don't know...

-It might not be the worst answer of the round.

But Darcey Brussels...

LAUGHTER Darcey Brussels...

Let's... Let's see if that's right, shall we?

And if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said Darcey Brussels.

LAUGHTER

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Ben, I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry...

I want to get out first - now.

I'm afraid that's an incorrect answer.

-100 points.

-Yeah - Darcey Brussels, though.

That's a cartoon character...

I tell you what, though, Ben,

your uncle, George, he's watching going,

"You know what? We may well be World Cup winners,

"but at least I didn't go on Pointless and say, 'Darcey Brussels'."

-It's a good name, though.

-It's a great... It's very Christmassy, isn't it?

He did Strictly Come Dancing!

-Yeah...

-You did the show!

Kyran, leave me alone.

-Thanks very much indeed, Richard.

-I'm really flustered now.

I want to get out of here.

Cheryl, welcome back to Pointless.

-Oh, thank you, Xander.

-A finalist last time, Cheryl.

-Yes.

-You've got a trophy already.

-I need another one -

I need another one, Xander,

because my books are slipping off the shelf.

So, I need the other one to go at the other end.

-That is exactly what you need!

-Please.

I'll tell you what else I know about you, Cheryl...

-I know lots about you, too, Xander.

-You've got a lovely voice.

-You've got a lovely voice, too.

-Your Dusty Springfield - oh!

I won £10,000 for my charity on that show with you, Xander...

Very nice to see you in trousers,

because the last time I saw Xander,

he was wearing a dress, he was dressed as SuBo.

She came round to my house, and, er...

LAUGHTER

No, he was SuBo. We did a singing competition.

-That was a lot of fun. A lot of fun.

-Lots of fun. You were amazing.

-Now, Cheryl...

-Yes, Xander.

I'm going to cut short the story about how amazing I am,

just to get on with... LAUGHTER

-Yes, please do!

-Cos I want to hear it later -

but what are you going to go for?

I'm going to go for Theo Paphitis.

-Theo Paphitis.

-Yes.

-Dragons' Den.

-Theo Paphitis, says Cheryl.

OK, now, let's see if that's right

and, if it is, how many of our 100 people said Theo Paphitis?

It's a good one, but it's a wrong one.

Why? He's on it!

-2014.

-2014.

2014.

-Oh, Ben...

-2014? What are we in now, 2014?

All is not lost, Ben, it's fine, Darcey Brussels...

-He's on it, ain't he on it?

-No, he's not, no.

-Not in 2014, I'm afraid.

-Richard.

-So that's good news for Ben, though, that, isn't it?

-Yeah.

He hasn't been in it for a while, Theo.

-Has he not?

-Certainly wasn't in it in 2014, I'm afraid. Sorry.

Oh... I thought that was good an' all!

Interestingly...

Interestingly... D'you know what shade Ricky's shirt is?

-It's...Darcey Brussels.

-Darcey Brussels, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

-BEN:

-Hold, Kyran, hold on.

-Oh, no...

-XANDER LAUGHS

I'm ashamed of meself!

-Patrick, welcome, lovely to have you here.

-Thanks for having me.

So, as we've established, you were at school with Kyran - same year.

-Same year.

-Same year!

-And have you kept up?

-No.

-No.

LAUGHTER

Uh, Kyran was a very quiet, large, unpopular child at school.

I didn't know what happened, he left and suddenly became a...

you know, international rugby player.

No, we were very good friends, actually, initially,

and Kyran continued to do very well, and I sort of...

ended up acting.

-Which you've done very well!

-Well, it's been all right.

Listen, you're a serious and extremely successful actor,

-Patrick, come on!

-Thank you. Thank you.

As evidenced by that very fine jacket you're wearing.

-Look at that, look at how he carries off that...

-This wasn't cheap.

No, as... ZOE LAUGHS

Did Kyran have a nickname at school?

Yes, he did.

LAUGHTER

-Come on...

-You liar!

Well, we called him King Kyran.

Yeah, no, any nicknames that he didn't insist on being called?

No, he insisted on being called King Kyran.

-Yeah!

-I mean, that was it - he was pretty perfect, Kyran, yeah.

They called him Darcey Brussels.

LAUGHTER Now, Patrick.

Yes.

Judges, presenters -

you couldn't do worse than the two answers we've had so far.

-Well, I'm going to go safe...

-Yeah.

-..cos I think I can afford to,

and Claudia Winkleman, Strictly Come Dancing.

Claudia Winkleman says Patrick.

Let's see if that's right,

and how many of our 100 people said Claudia Winkleman.

-It's right.

-Come on, Claudia.

-23, well done.

-Nice!

-APPLAUSE

-Nice.

Very good indeed. Claudia Winkleman.

Well played, Patrick - finally, a correct answer.

Yeah, one of the presenters of the main Strictly shows,

Saturday and Sunday nights.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard. Now, Zoe.

-Zoe, welcome to Pointless.

-Thank you very much.

It's great to have you here.

Now, I have said so many times before it's probably becoming dull now,

but Blue Peter, I think, is just the perfect academy for Pointless,

because you just learn everything.

How did that come about, Blue Peter? Did you audition for it?

Did someone approach you?

Well, actually, I was working as a solicitor at the time -

I'd always had a bit of a keen interest

in television and presenting,

and I was flicking through the classifieds,

looking for another solicitor's job, actually,

and I came across a little ad that said, "TV presenter wanted",

and so I made up a showreel in my bedroom,

and I sent it off to the PO box,

and a week later I got a phone call

and they said, "Hello, it's Blue Peter,"

so I was completely shocked and...

-And then the months of auditions started.

-Yeah.

It was back and forth to London over a long period of time, so...

It's like sort of X Factor, with all the people standing in...

Yeah, well, it was - it was like an X Factor of the time, yeah.

Brilliant. Now, Zoe, you've had a little bit of time

-to think about possible presenters and judges...

-Yes, uh-huh.

..from these shows. What do you think you're going to go for?

OK, so, my thinking is that most people will be familiar

with the main shows,

so I'm thinking a lower point will come from the spin-offs.

So, let's go with Strictly, to their spin-off -

I'm going to go with another Zoe, Zoe Ball.

Zoe Ball, says Zoe.

Let's see if that's right,

let's see how many of our 100 people said Zoe Ball.

It's right.

Well, 23's our low score so far...

You passed it! Look at that - down it goes to 15, well done.

-APPLAUSE

-Well done!

-Paid off, Zoe, well done.

15 for Zoe Ball.

Great thinking, Zoe. Great answer, as well.

Yeah, of course, she hosts It Takes Two, the Strictly spin-off show.

Very good. Thanks. We're halfway through the round,

so let's take a look at those scores as they stand.

15, the lowest score of that pass - well done to you, Zoe.

Then up to 23, where we find Patrick and Ewen,

and then up to 100, where we have Cheryl and Ricky, and Ben and Kyran.

So, yes, Ricky and Kyran, you're going to jockey it out

to see who stays with us and who leaves

at the end of the round.

So, best of luck with that.

We'll come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

-So, Dani...

-Hello!

Remember, we are looking for the name of any judge or presenter

on any of these shows, or any of their main spin-offs.

-Right.

-Lovely to have you back, Dani.

Thank you very much for having me.

I reckon you came on one of our very, very earliest celebrity shows.

-I did - it was a long, long time ago.

-Yeah.

Long, long time - and you were then right in the thick of Tracy Beaker.

-I was.

-That was just a phenomenon!

-I know - we had no idea how big it was going to be.

-Just huge.

I know - well, when I first auditioned for it, I was only 12,

and obviously I was a huge fan of Jacqueline Wilson,

but we just knew that it was,

like, 15-minute episodes at half three,

so we thought, well, everyone's probably going to be at school,

they'll probably miss it - and here I am, now, and I'm nearly 26!

Just incredible. So, I mean, why did it finish?

-I suppose...

-I got too old.

-I suppose that was it!

-Yeah.

That was pretty much it.

There was no way they could recast it?

Not really, no, cos I'd been playing it for such a long time.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Oh, just fantastic.

-Thank you.

Wonderful. And now you've got your own performing-arts academy!

I do, yes. Yes, yeah.

I've been wanting to do it for years

-and I just wanted to give something a little bit back, so, yeah...

-Sure.

We've got one school, which has been open for just over a year

and then we've got another one opening up very soon.

-Very exciting.

-Congratulations to you.

-Thank you.

-Fantastic.

I mean, that's a new Anna Scher there, isn't it?

APPLAUSE

Yeah. Well done, you.

Well, listen, not only that,

but well done for your low score as well,

cos there you are on 15 -

we've got two joint high-scorers here on 100.

84 or less gets you comfortably into the next round.

-Right.

-And I reckon you'll have some good answers today.

-Mm...

I think, I'm probably going to go for a spin-off,

as well, like Zoe, and hopefully I pronounce it right...

Dara O Briain.

-Dara O Briain. Dara O Briain...

-Hopefully that's right.

..says Dani. Here comes your red line.

If you get below that - nice and high -

if Dara gets you below that, you are through to Round Two.

Let's see how many people said Dara O Briain.

It's right, and you're through - look at that.

No surprises there.

I think this might be a low score. Our lowest score so far was 15 -

you've passed that comfortably. 11.

-APPLAUSE

-Yay!

So, 26 is your total, Dani.

Well played, Dani - very solid on that last podium, there.

Yeah, he's the host of The Apprentice - You're Fired.

Excellent, thanks very much indeed, Richard.

Now, Ewen.

Welcome back to Pointless.

Thank you.

-Round One last time...

-Yeah, yeah.

-I tell you what,

I think you'll do twice as well as that, at least.

-I hope so.

-Round Two beckons, I think.

-Yeah.

-Now, of course, you were in The Office as well.

-Yes.

When you did that, what were your auditions like for that?

Did you sort of just improvise things?

-I didn't actually audition, myself, personally.

-Oh!

I just turned up to be, like, supporting cast, really,

and then they had some lines that they were just giving out

to the supporting cast - it was the first thing I'd really done...

-Yeah.

-..and they just liked what I was doing,

so I sort of got given a character during the first series.

-So, you were so good, you moved...

-I just blew 'em away, you know?

I think it was my overacting and exuberance, just blew them away.

-A battlefield promotion, is what you call that, Ewen.

-Yeah.

-That's just fantastic.

-Yeah, well...

Fantastic, well done - and what are you up to at the moment?

Well, actually, recently I've just done a film with Luke Perry...

from Beverly Hills 90210.

-Mm!

-That guy, he's amazing -

he looks exactly the same now

as he did when he was playing Dylan -

-and now he's 87.

-How did that happen?

-I dunno!

-Amazing.

How are we feeling about this, as a category?

Well, the answer I was going to give has gone.

Darcey Brussels.

-LAUGHTER

-So, er...

No, it was Dara...

So, um...

I think I'm going to go fairly obvious,

and I'm going to try Karren Brady.

Karren Brady. Karren Brady, Says Ewen.

Here comes your red line - again, quite nice and high.

If Karren Brady can get you below that,

you are comfortably into Round Two.

There you are - Brady's done it.

-23.

-Nice work.

APPLAUSE Equalled Patrick's score.

-23 each.

-23.

-Takes your total up to 46 -

very well done.

Well played, Ewen - safely through this time.

Yeah, she's Baroness Brady now.

-So she is!

-She's in the House of Lords.

-Yeah.

There you go.

-Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

-Pleasure.

Thank you now.

Now, Ricky - right, OK.

This is where it comes down to a sort of bare-knuckle round

between you and Kyran.

Not necessarily literally,

but we'll see.

Well, let's hope not!

-Back you come...

-Yes.

-..for another shot at that trophy.

Surely this time you can get the jackpot.

-We've got to hope.

-We're hoping.

Now, what was your exit from EastEnders?

Cos obviously Heather Trott is no longer with us.

No - I basically got the girl and sailed off into the sunset.

-Oh, so you could be back.

-I could be back. Yeah.

-If you got the call, would you be back?

-I think I would.

You know, I had such a great time - it was nine years for me,

and it was kind of my apprenticeship to TV, in a way,

-and so, you know, I miss the people.

-Yeah.

-I miss the camaraderie.

I don't miss the early hours and the late nights,

-and the script learning...

-I was going to say -

hardly any time - and you only get two takes, don't you?

It's not - we rehearse and record when we do it, more or less,

and, you know, you've got to be on the ball, so to speak.

And, yeah, I would, at the drop of a hat, I'd probably turn up and say,

"Yes, I'd love to."

The quality of acting - I mean, it's really incredibly high -

I mean, particularly considering the turnaround,

-and how little time people have.

-Yeah, the writing's fantastic,

the quality of the acting, as well - you have off days sometimes,

but most of the time you've got to be on the ball,

like any profession.

What are you going to go for?

Um, what a hard category thing.

One springs to mind.

For some reason, I remember sitting down one afternoon

and seeing Jo Brand on a spin-off from The Great British Bake Off,

so I'm going to go Jo Brand, British Bake Off spin-off.

-Whatever that's called.

-Jo Brand - that's all we needed to know.

You are saying Jo Brand. Let's see if that's right

and, if it is, how many people said it?

There's no red line for you, cos you're joint high-scorers.

It's right, obviously.

More and more pressure on Kyran as that goes further and further down.

Down it goes to 15. APPLAUSE

Oh, well done!

I love you...

Joint second-lowest score of the round - 115.

Well played, Ricky - those spin-offs scoring nice and low.

Yeah, she presents The Great British Bake Off - An Extra Slice.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard. Now, Kyran.

-Yes.

-King Kyran.

-No...!

-King Kyran.

The king...!

I've been deposed! I've been taken over...

It's hard, because, I mean, what's left is quite obvious -

Lord Sugar, Duncan Bannatyne, all of those...

Yeah. No, no, let's not talk about that -

I want to talk about King Kyran.

No, it's not...

-Do you know what?

-At any stage, did anyone make you a crown?

I mean, apart from the one you made yourself?

No, listen - with Paddy, all the girls loved Paddy -

and the boys, actually.

All the girls loved Paddy at school -

he was the best-looking bloke,

he was the most popular,

and he used to rip into me all of the time,

cos I was playing England Schools and stuff, "Oh, look at you!"

But actually, it's great to see him - do you remember that dance?

Do you remember he did that dance in The Office?

I watched that with such pride - and then you've got Ricky doing...

HE MIMICS RICKY GERVAIS HUMMING

Probably one of the best moments on TV.

-CHERYL:

-Aw!

-Aw!

-But it looks like I'm losing whatever crown I had at school.

Because this is tough now.

All the spin-off shows are gone.

Yeah, so, listen - you've got a mountain to climb, here.

You've got to score 14 or less.

-Yeah.

-Or - we can't say goodbye to you, we simply can't.

Sprouts can't see you off.

-God, I mean, all the people like...

-Just get the name right, that's all.

LAUGHTER

Well, I was going to say Duncan Bannatyne, but I'm not now.

I'm going to say... I think her name... I THINK her name is...

-BEN LAUGHS

-..Kelly Hoppen, is she the...?

-Kelly Hoppen, says Kyran.

-Yeah, Dragons' Den.

Kelly Hoppen - let's find out.

-Come on, Brussels Sprouts...

-Kelly Hoppen...

If Kelly Hoppen gets you below that red line,

you are through to Round Two - how many people said Kelly Hoppen?

-It's right.

-Come on, come on!

-Get down, go on!

-It's going, it's going down!

Ooh...

-You've done it!

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE You've done it - 5!

5 for Kelly Hoppen -

very well done indeed.

105 is your total.

Sorry, guys.

Oh, well done!

Wow!

-I so wanted to go home, as well.

-Cheers, mate.

That's a terrific answer, King Kyran, very well played -

all the best answers, actually, were from Dragons' Den -

it was exactly the one to go for.

It's one of the best three answers, actually -

let's take a look at the other two.

The best answer of all is the newest Dragons' Den - Piers Linney.

Evan Davis, who hosts it, would have scored you 3. Piers Linney 1.

There's Kelly Hoppen with 5.

A few other low scorers - Deborah Meaden would have scored you 12,

Deborah Meaden from Dragons' Den. A couple of low scorers -

Mel Giedroyc from Great British Bake Off would have scored you 6 points.

Also would have got 6 points for Nick Hewer.

You would have got 23 points, Ben,

-for Darcey Bussell.

-Thank you.

-I don't know if you've heard of her.

-LAUGHTER

I'm going to ring her afterwards and apologise.

Let's take a look at the top three scorers - the ones that most people said.

37 points for Paul Hollywood from Bake Off.

-Mary Berry thrashing Paul Hollywood.

-Look at that - thrashing him!

-46.

-What about that?

-How about that?

And right at the top, Lord Sugar on 62.

There we are. Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So, at the end of our first round -

what a nail-biting close to the round that was -

but I'm afraid we have to send one pair home, and I'm so sorry to say,

Ricky and Cheryl, you are that pair - high score of 115.

I am so sorry.

Oh!

-Them's the breaks. Death or glory.

-Well done, though,

-that was excellent.

-Oh, listen - all I can say is,

you've got to come back. You have to come back.

-Thank you both so much for playing. Ricky and Cheryl.

-Thank you.

-Pleasure's all mine.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

But, for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.

So, three pairs remain - obviously, at the end of this round,

we'll have to say goodbye to another pair.

Well, I have to say, hats off, far, far podium there.

Lovely low scoring,

just consistently brilliant, wonderful.

Ewen and Patrick, our Office boys, very good there.

And then Kyran and Ben.

Well, well done for making it through.

Well done also for having the lowest individual score of the round,

actually - Kelly Hoppen - superb.

Anyway, best of luck to all three pairs.

Our category for Round Two this evening is...

Literature.

Can you all decide in your pairs who'll go first, who'll go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, the question concerns...

Books With Numbers In Their Title. Richard.

Yeah, on each board, we're going to show you the names of six books,

all of which have a number in their title,

but we're only going to give you the first letters

of the words in that title.

You just need to work out what these books are,

and give us the most obscure.

There's going to be six on each board,

so, 12 in all to have a go at at home.

OK, thanks very much - let's reveal our first board of six book titles

with numbers in their title.

I'll read those one last time.

Now, then, Kyran.

Um...

Right, see, rugby players...

trying to get numbers and letters and mixing 'em up,

you really confuse us.

But I'm going to go with something like... I'm guessing, The 39 Steps.

The 39 Steps, says Kyran.

Let's see if that's right

and, if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said The 39 Steps.

It's right. Oh, dear!

But that's good!

APPLAUSE

That's good - 89. 11 better than 100 - The 39 Steps.

Yeah, it is better than 100, absolutely.

Wrote it in a couple of weeks, John Buchan wrote The 39 Steps -

he was ill in bed for a couple of weeks,

and knocked it off.

-Not bad, is it?

-Not bad at all.

-An ulcer.

-Not bad...

-An ulcer?

-Yeah. Not like one in his mouth...

No, no, no, I was going to say,

-a bit of Bonjela would've sorted that out.

-Yeah.

Still, good. Very good.

-Now, Ewen.

-Yes.

What are you thinking?

I'm going to go for the bottom one -

I'm going to go Slaughterhouse-Five.

Slaughterhouse-Five, says Ewen.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said that.

It's right.

8!

APPLAUSE

That is a very good answer.

All looking good for The Office, there, on the middle podium, Richard.

Well played, Ewen - terrific score. Another terrific book, as well,

Slaughterhouse-Five.

Thanks very much indeed. Now then, Dani.

-You're the last person to have this board.

-Yes.

If you fancy just wandering through it

and filling in the blanks for us...

Um, this is so hard, and I think I only know one of them,

but it might score quite high.

So, I'm going to go with One Day.

-One Day, the David Nicholls book - One Day.

-Yes.

Let's see if that's right

and, if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said One Day.

15! APPLAUSE

That is not a bad score by any stretch, Dani.

Very well done indeed.

15 for One Day.

Well played, Dani -

one of the biggest selling books of the 21st century, One Day,

but very low scorer -

actually, you've got the two best scores on the board, there,

8 and 15, cos there's some big scorers up here.

-The Ray Bradbury book...

-Fahrenheit.

Fahrenheit 451.

It would have scored you 31. Jules Verne.

Around The World In 80 Days.

Around The World In 80 Days - a big scorer, that, 67.

-And Arthur C Clarke...

-2001: A Space Odyssey.

Space Odyssey, yeah, absolutely right. 57.

There we are. Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

Well, we're halfway through the round,

so let's take a look at those scores... Ewen.

Look at that - lovely low score - Slaughterhouse-Five.

Well done. That puts you and Patrick comfortably ahead of the pack.

Then up to 15, where we find Dani and Zoe,

then up to 89, Kyran and Ben. Kyran did it last time around, Ben.

You have to do it this time, we need a really low score from you.

And let's hope that's enough to keep you in the game.

We're going to come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, let's put six more book titles with numbers in them

up on the board - and here they come.

We've got...

I'll read those all again.

Now, remember, Zoe,

we are looking for the titles of these books,

represented by these letters and numbers on the board.

You're on 15.

If you can score 73 or less,

you are definitely in the head-to-head.

All the Dickens ones that I know, but that isn't one of them...

Aah, this is so hard. Can we go back to the other board?

Um... I'm going to go with the James,

and it's Fifty Shades Of Grey.

-Fifty Shades Of Grey...

-Of course!

-Yay!

-..says Zoe.

-You got it!

There you are, you're on 15.

There is your red line - get below that with Fifty Shades Of Grey

and you are through to the next round.

It's right.

-You're through - very well done indeed.

-Yay! Whoo!

-38.

-Well done!

APPLAUSE That's good enough -

takes your total up to 53,

well done.

Well played, Zoe - yeah, I like you going,

"Yeah, I know my Dickens, but what could the Dickens...?

"Oh, I know, Fifty Shades Of Grey. I'll go with that."

One extreme to the other!

-That's a surprisingly low score, isn't it?

-Isn't it?

I think that's people filling in the forms with their partner in the background -

"I don't know, I don't... 50, I don't know, Sausages? It's something, I don't know, not...

-"Not something I've heard of."

-LAUGHTER

Thanks very much indeed.

Now, then, Patrick.

It's tricky, isn't it? I know a few -

it's just which one's going to have the least...

I'm going to go, I think, for...

A Tale Of Two Cities.

A Tale Of Two Cities, says Patrick.

You're on 8. You have to score 80 or less.

That's what it looks like - get below that with A Tale Of Two Cities

and you are through to the head-to-head.

It's right. You are through to the head-to-head.

61. APPLAUSE

69, your total.

Well played, Patrick - very good answer.

Yes, an account of - he went to see Swansea City play Stoke City

in the League Cup, third round of the League Cup.

Dickens wrote a story about it.

Thank you very much indeed.

-I think that's right?

-Sounds about right.

-Yeah.

Now, Ben.

I've been looking forward to my go(!)

Oh, Ben... Now, listen, I have bad news.

I have bad news. Even before your answer,

I'm afraid you are still the high-scorers.

So, unless you can score minus...

I'm afraid we will be saying goodbye to you at the end of this round.

However, this is your chance -

think of the legacy you can leave, here.

I haven't got a clue...what, so I'm just going to take a wild guess.

-OK.

-And I'll be very quick, and I'm just going to go Catch-22.

Joseph Heller, Catch-22.

Let's see if it's right - let's see how many people said Catch-22.

It's a great answer.

66.

-APPLAUSE

-At least I got one right!

Takes your total up to 155.

Two correct answers on the first podium.

I love Ben and Kyran both saying, "Oh, I don't understand the round,

"I don't have a clue, I'll guess,"

and both coming up with perfectly good answers, as well -

Catch-22 and The 39 Steps.

Let's fill in the rest of this board.

The Enid Blyton one is a Famous Five book -

it's Five...On A Treasure Island.

Treasure Island - I was trying to work out what that was.

12 points for that.

The Jodi Picoult book at the bottom is 19 Minutes -

it's the best answer on the board,

it would have scored you 1 point.

And the top one, you all know -

it's The Three Musketeers.

Would have scored you 46.

There we are - thank you very much indeed.

So, at the end of our second round,

I'm sorry to say the pair we're having to send home

with a high score of 155, Ben and Kyran - I'm so sorry.

-Great round, there.

-Yeah, it was...

-Two good answers.

-Two good answers.

-Now you know what the mechanics of the round...

Once we understood the game, it just took a while...

Rugby players, a lot of bangs to the head, but... Yeah. It was...

Different, hard-to-pronounce names...

-That's right!

-LAUGHTER

It's been such a treat having you on the show - thank you.

Ben and Kyran, excellent contestants. Thanks so much.

APPLAUSE

-PATRICK:

-Come on!

But, for the remaining two pairs, it's now time for our head-to-head.

APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Zoe and Dani, Ewen and Patrick -

you're now one step closer to the final

and a chance to play for our jackpot for your charities -

and the jackpot currently stands at £2,500.

So, now we have to decide who's going to play for that jackpot.

To do that, you are going to go head-to-head.

The good news is, you're allowed to confer before you give your answers,

and the first player to win two questions will be playing for that jackpot.

Listen, very best of luck to both players -

let's play the head-to-head. APPLAUSE

OK, here comes your first question - and it concerns...

Celebrity Weddings In 2014.

It's exactly what you wanted, isn't it, Patrick?

Yeah, I've been watching a lot of those...

-ALEXANDER LAUGHS

-..with interest.

-Richard.

We're going to show you five pictures now, of famous people -

we need you to tell us the name of the person they married, please,

in 2014. Very best of luck.

OK, let's reveal our five pictures - and here they come.

There we go.

Five celebrities, each of whom has got married in 2014 -

whom did they marry?

Zoe and Dani, you will go first.

-OK.

-(Do you think C?)

(Did he not...)

OK. Um... Ooh...

-BOTH:

-Ooh!

-ZOE AND DANI LAUGH

-Ooh...

-Yeah.

We don't know whether to choose between C or D, basically.

I think... I think C.

So, we're going to go for C...

-Cheryl Cole.

-Cheryl Cole.

OK, Cheryl Cole for C. Cheryl Cole.

Now, Ewen and Patrick.

Talk us through that board.

A - it's fairly obvious

who that is, Kim Kardashian,

and she married Kanye West.

We think E might be Brad Pitt.

LAUGHTER

-He maybe married Angelina Jolie.

-Angelina.

And then D, we're hoping,

is the human rights lawyer

who married George Clooney.

-We'll go D, shall we?

-OK.

D, George Clooney.

D, George Clooney.

So, we have C, Cheryl Cole,

D, George Clooney.

Now then, Zoe and Dani said Cheryl Cole - let's see if that's right

and, if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said Cheryl Cole, C.

It's right.

That's a good answer - look at that, 14.

Very well done indeed.

APPLAUSE

Now, meanwhile, Ewen and Patrick

have taken a bit of a punt, there -

they've gone for D

and said George Clooney.

Let's find out if that's right

and, if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said George Clooney.

It's right.

Mm. I take it that picture's not...

And it wins you the point - look at that, 9!

APPLAUSE Superb.

Very well done indeed. Wow.

You've broken their serve, Ewen and Patrick.

-Slice return.

-After one question, you are up 1-0.

Yeah, well played, gents - I think Zoe and Dani

were wondering which of those two to go for, weren't you?

-BOTH:

-Yeah.

-Yeah, that was Amal Alamuddin,

of course, who married George Clooney.

A, you're absolutely right, was Kim Kardashian, married to Kanye West.

Would have scored you too many points, though, actually -

you did well to avoid it. 23 for that.

Now, B is Alexandra Hedison, and she married Jodie Foster in 2014.

Oh!

Which someone in the audience who's just gone, "Yes!", I think knew.

It's a very good answer - well done if you got that at home.

And E absolutely is Brad Pitt, and married Angelina Jolie,

and that would have scored you 62.

There we go - thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So, here comes your second question -

Ewen and Patrick get to answer it first.

Which means, Dani and Zoe,

yes, the odds are slightly stacked against you,

-but you have to win this to stay in the game.

-Right.

-So, best of luck.

It concerns...

-Ooh!

-Noughtie Words, Richard.

Yeah, we're going to show you five definitions now,

of words that first appeared in the English dictionary

during the noughties.

Can you tell us what those words are, please? Very best of luck.

Thanks very much indeed.

Let's reveal our five definitions - and here they come. We've got...

I'm going to read all those again.

There you go.

So, Ewen and Patrick, you will go first.

..or is it the amount of letters?

(No, it's not an official noun, it's like...)

-Oh, I see, I see.

-(..a word in the dictionary.)

A film, a film focusing...

Yeah, we'll go for...the film...

Bromance.

Bromance, say Ewen and Patrick.

Bromance.

So, then, Zoe and Dani, talk us through the others if you can.

Um, well, we think that to make a digital recording

would be podcast...

-and the puzzle is sudoku.

-Mm-hm.

I have no idea what the first one and the last one is, though.

-Maybe podcast?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, we'll go with podcast.

-You're going to go with podcast.

-Yeah.

So, we have Bromance and podcast.

Ewen and Patrick said Bromance - let's see if that's right

and, if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said Bromance.

It's right.

47.

APPLAUSE

A bit higher than you were expecting?

Well, I mean, I think they're all going to be quite high,

apart from the last one.

OK, well, 47. Now, you have gone, Zoe and Dani, for podcast -

let's see if that's right

and, if it is, let's see how many of our 100 said podcast.

It's right.

60 for podcast.

APPLAUSE

Which means, very well done indeed, Ewen and Patrick -

after only two questions, you are straight through to the final, 2-0.

Well played again, gents - let's fill in this board.

The middle one is the biggest scorer - that is sudoku.

Would have scored 77.

Top one is the lowest scorer, so we'll look at the bottom one first.

-Now, the bottom one - I bet you'll know...

-Oh, geocaching.

..it comes up on regular Pointless a lot.

-Geocaching.

-Geocaching, yep.

Would have scored 17. And the top one, I think you knew this, gents,

it's the best answer there.

-BOTH:

-Paywall.

-Yeah, it's a paywall.

-Yeah, and it would have scored you 8 points.

-Wow.

Thank you very much indeed.

So, the pair leaving us at the end of the head-to-head round,

I'm sorry to say, Zoe and Dani -

it's been such a treat having you on.

And, Dani, lovely to have you back.

Thank you very much.

And you've done so well - such a solid performance on the far podium the whole way through.

-Lovely low scoring.

-Thank you.

You'll just have to come back - but it's been lovely, as I say.

Zoe and Dani, wonderful contestants.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

But for Ewen and Patrick, it's now time for our Pointless final.

Congratulations, Ewen and Patrick - you've seen off all the competition,

and you've won our coveted Pointless trophy.

You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot

for your nominated charities

and, at the end of today's show, the jackpot stands at £2,500 -

there it is.

Well, gentlemen.

You saw off our EastEnders on this lovely noughties-themed show.

You then saw off our Rugby World Cup winners - 2003...

Your old schoolmate! Classmate, even, Patrick.

-Some sweet revenge there.

-Yeah.

And then you saw off our incredibly strong contenders from the world of children's television.

All we need from you now is a pointless answer.

Do you think you can do it in this last round?

-All we want to give you is a pointless.

-Come on, well...

Listen, as always, you get to choose your category for this round.

We'll put four up on the board -

let's hope there's something up there you like the look of.

Today's choices are...

Well, for me, there's one choice there for me.

Anything, uh, tickle your...

If I was going to do anything, it'd probably be Sport In 2014.

But if you're confident...

I was testing you on some geography questions earlier, and you were pretty good.

I'd like to go for Geography...

-Yeah.

-..if you're happy to support me in that?

It's all on you, though, if we lose.

-Well, no, not necessarily...

-It's all your fault.

-..you might have been to some... I think...

-Yeah.

-Is that all right?

-Yeah.

-We'll do World Geography.

-We'll do World Geography, please.

-OK. World Geography.

-World Geography.

World Geography is good, that's what it's going to be. Well done.

Absolutely right, you've got to back yourself if you've got a speciality,

and if your speciality's geography, if it's capital cities,

you could be laughing here.

We're looking for any of the following...

We're looking for...

..according to the CIA Factbook. So...

HE REREADS THE CATEGORIES

As always, by "country" we mean a sovereign state

that's a member of the UN in its own right.

Very, very best of luck.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So, as always, you've got up to one minute to come up with three answers.

All you need to win that jackpot for your charities

is for just one of those answers to be pointless.

-Are you ready?

-Um...

-Yeah.

Shall we have a chat? Can we talk about this?

-You can in a second.

-OK.

-Are you ready?

-We're ready.

-You're ready to start the thinking?

-Yeah.

Let's put 60 seconds up on the clock.

There they are - your time starts now.

Right, I've got the middle one.

-Have you?

-Yes.

-Do you want to hear it, or...?

-Yeah, yeah. I do!

Er, I'm going to go for Lesotho - Lesotho, Lesotho,

and Maseru is the capital of that,

which also happens to be, um...

No, we'll go with that.

You can go with other ones that border South Africa, if you want.

Border South Africa, um...

To be definite, I would go...Zimbabwe, Harare,

but that's quite obvious. Um...

Botswana...

is...

Gaborone, I think.

-Any ones near Brazil?

-Yeah.

I think...Asuncion, Paraguay.

Or...does it?

OK, I think Paramaribo, Suriname's capital, borders Brazil.

-Ten seconds left.

-Let's do that.

-Yeah?

-Let's do that, let's do...

-Let's do that, let's do...

Mase...Maseru, for Lesotho...

-and...

-Gaborone.

That is your time up,

let's have your three answers -

and if you'll say which category you're answering in each case.

The first one, Capitals That Border Brazil,

we're going to go for Paramaribo.

-Paramaribo.

-Yeah.

For Capitals Of Any Country That Border South Africa,

-Lesotho, Maseru.

-Maseru.

Um, we'll go Namibia, and the capital is Gaborone.

-Gaborone.

-Yeah.

OK, so, we have Maseru,

-we have Paramaribo, or ParamarEEbo...

-Exactly.

-..and we have Gaborone.

-Yes.

Of those three, which is your best shot at a pointless answer?

I think Maseru.

-Maseru, we'll put last.

-Yes.

Least likely to be pointless?

Probably Gaborone.

Gaborone we'll put first, and Paramaribo in the middle.

OK, let's pop those up on the board in that order, then. Here they are.

We've got...

Well, very, very best of luck. Three great answers up on the board.

-Thank you.

-Let's hope at least one of those is pointless

and will win that jackpot for you. If you were to win it,

what charities are you going to be donating the winnings to?

Ewen?

I am going to be giving to Sparks,

which is a great charity for children, very young children,

and also mothers when they're pregnant.

Does a lot of great work - who I've worked with before -

-so, yeah, that'll be mine.

-Excellent. Patrick?

Mine is the Palestine Children Relief Fund.

-So...

-OK, well, very well done. APPLAUSE

Two great charities there.

Fingers crossed at least one of these answers will be pointless,

and will win money for those causes.

Gaborone was your least confident shot at a pointless answer -

remember, only one has to be pointless for you to win that jackpot.

But, for £2,500, let's see how many people

named Gaborone as a capital of a country that borders South Africa.

Gaborone, is it pointless?

It's right.

Very well done indeed.

Down Gaborone goes - through the 50s, through the 40s,

into the 20s, and the teens, probably into single figures...

Yes, down it goes, down it goes, still going...

3! APPLAUSE

Not bad at all!

You'll take that as your first answer -

your least likely to be pointless.

3 - all looking very good for your two subsequent answers.

So, your next answer was Paramaribo.

In this case, we were looking for

the capital of any country that borders Brazil.

Let's find out if it's right

and, if it is, let's see how many people said it, for £2,500.

Is it pointless? Paramaribo.

It's right.

Now, Gaborone took us all the way down to 3.

Paramaribo - is that going to take us below 3?

Will it take us down to pointless?

It's going down through the teens, it's into single figures,

down it goes - down, it passes 3 - still going down...

You've done it, very well done indeed!

APPLAUSE Absolutely fantastic. Well done.

Brilliant. Very well done.

Superb.

Lovely, lovely.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Very, very well done indeed.

Ewen and Patrick, great teamwork throughout the show -

-but Patrick, particularly, in that last round.

-Yeah.

-And, Ewen, well done for letting him do that.

-Letting me go!

-Absolutely - well!

-Congratulations, that's extremely good teamwork -

Paramaribo was, of course, a pointless answer.

Means you go home with that jackpot of £2,500

-for your charities - brilliant.

-Fantastic, fantastic.

Now, Richard...

That's exactly the way to play the game - very well done.

Gaborone - you were right the first time, actually,

it's the capital of Botswana, not Namibia - scored you 3 points.

The capital of Namibia is Windhoek, which would have scored you 5.

Maseru, you're absolutely right, is the capital of Lesotho.

If we'd had to go down there, it would have scored you 1 point.

-No, no!

-Should have gone that way....

Yeah, it would have been more exciting. Would have been more exciting.

Let's take a look at all the pointless answers

in the various different categories.

There's not many in the Brazilian one,

which is where you got your pointless answer -

Georgetown, which is Guyana,

and there's Paramaribo, which is the capital of Suriname,

which won you the money. Very well played.

It's the only two pointless answers there. For South Africa...

The top one and the bottom one there

are both capitals of Swaziland.

Lobamba is the royal capital, Mbabane is the regular capital,

and Maputo, which is the capital of Mozambique,

also a pointless answer.

There's more pointless answers in the final category -

the island nations.

Antananarivo, which is Madagascar.

Manila, the Philippines.

Port Lewis, which is Mauritius.

Roseau, which is Dominica.

You also could have had the capitals of Tuvalu, which is Funafuti,

and Vanuatu, Port Vila,

two of our favourite ever pointless answers.

Very well done if you got any of those at home.

Gents, you played brilliantly all the way through that -

absolutely solid as a rock. 2-0 in the head-to-head,

and then the perfect way to play that final round,

which is if one of you's confident, you've got to go for that category.

Well said. Thanks very much indeed.

Well, thanks once again to our winning players, Ewen and Patrick,

who go away with today's jackpot of £2,500

for their charities - well done. APPLAUSE

Join us next time, when we'll be putting more obscure knowledge to the test on Pointless.

-Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard...

-Goodbye.

..and it's goodbye from me - goodbye.

APPLAUSE