Comedies Pointless Celebrities

Thank you very much indeed. Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong

and welcome to Pointless Celebrities,

the show where we're always striving to find the most obscure answers.

Let's meet today's Pointless Celebrities.

And couple number one.

Hello, I'm Nigel George Planer and I'm an actor and a writer.

Hello, I'm Sarah-Doon Mackichan I'm an actress,

I'm a Leo and I'm looking for love. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Couple number two.

Hello, I'm Kevin Brian Eldon and I am a comedian and an actor.

Hello, I'm Adil Brian Ray,

-me and Kevin have been together now for four years?

-Four years.

-Four years ago.

-Very happy.

-And we're very happy to be here.

APPLAUSE

Couple number three.

Cymraes ydw i. Dwi'n siarad Cymraeg.

Fy enw ydy Nerys Hughes o'r Liver Birds.

I can't speak Welsh, I'll just speak English.

I'm Jeremy Dyson, I'm a writer.

And finally, couple number four.

My name is Paul Harman Elliott, I'm one of the Chuckle Brothers.

-You're not?!

-I am.

-You're not?!

-I am.

-Are you?

-Yes, I am.

And I don't know what I do for a living.

Neither do I.

I'm Barry David Elliott and I'm one of the Chuckle Brothers.

-Yes.

-The main one.

These are today's contestants. Thank you very much.

We'll find out more about you throughout the show.

That just leaves one more person for me to introduce.

He crosses the Ts, he dots the Is, and he shouts at the Ws,

don't know what he's got against Ws,

it's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.

Hiya. Evening.

-Oh, good evening to you.

-And to you.

-How are you?

-I'm very well, thank you.

-Excellent.

I always think it's not really a real episode of Pointless Celebrities

-if the Chuckle Brothers aren't on.

-Couldn't agree more.

It always makes me happy. Been on twice before.

-They've actually won an episode of Pointless Celebrities.

-They have.

But then last time got knocked out in the first round.

So inconsistency - very much your watchword.

You never know what the Chuckle Brothers are going to do.

But, Nerys, also been on before, on before with Martin Jarvis

and now she's with Jeremy who calls himself a writer.

I'd say he's probably one of the finest comic writers

-of his generation.

-Exactly that.

-Well, thank you very much indeed, Richard.

-Pleasure.

Now, as ever, all of today's questions

have been put to 100 people before the show.

Our contestants here are on the lookout

for those all-important pointless answers,

answers none of our 100 people gave.

Give us one of those and we'll add £250 to the jackpot.

Now, as today's show is a special celebrity edition,

all these wonderful celebrities here are playing for a nominated charity.

We will start off with the jackpot today of £2,500. There it is.

Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

So all you have to remember is that the pair with the highest score

at the end of each round will be eliminated.

So your job is to make sure you are not that pair.

Very best of luck with that, our first category this evening is...

..modern languages.

-PAUL: Oh, dear, oh, dear.

-NERYS: That's Welsh out then.

Modern languages.

Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first,

who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, and the question concerns...

Names of countries in European languages. Richard.

On each board we'll show you the names of seven countries

in a foreign language, we tell you what language they're in.

You just need to tell us what that country is, please.

It's going to be seven on each board, 14 in all to have a go at at home.

14 in all for Xander to be able to pronounce too.

-SARCASTICALLY:

-Brilliant. Thank you very much indeed.

OK, so we're looking for the name in English of these countries.

Here's our first board of seven countries.

And we've got...

ALEXANDER READS OPTIONS

Tjekkiet. As in, "Have you received your cheque yet?"

ALEXANDER CONTINUES READING OPTIONS

I'll read those one last time.

There we go.

-Nigel, it's lovely to have you here.

-Well, it's lovely to be here.

-We've done some work together. Cockroaches.

-In Cockroaches.

-You were playing the pervy doctor.

-Yeah.

And I was acting, as well, which was fun, as well. Fantastic.

And I was playing Stevie Giggle, who's a cannibal,

who's a cannibalistic comedian who's eaten his double-act partner.

-ALEXANDER LAUGHS

-NERYS: Don't get any ideas.

Now, Nigel, when... I've got to ask you, back in The Young Ones,

back in the days of The Young Ones,

that hair...is that yours?

-It was a wig.

-It was a wig.

What we used to do is part my hair and gel it.

So there was a bit of the wig missing down the middle.

So you'd put it on and it would look like real hair

because you could see my scalp right through to the back.

-It was brilliant.

-It was a very good wig.

-I love The Young Ones so much.

-A very good wig.

-Oh, it was fun.

Now, what are you going to

go for on this board?

Just do feel free to take your time

it's always tough

on that first podium there.

Well, the hardest one is Wlochy.

I've no idea where that would be.

I'm going to go for Alemania, the Spanish one

and I'm going to say that's Germany.

Alemania, Germany says Nigel.

Let's see if it's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Germany.

It's right.

28, not bad.

I didn't even understand the question.

Gets us off to a good start. 28 for Germany.

Well played, Nigel, very good start on that first podium.

There's a museum in Berlin that's dedicated to sausages.

-Oh.

-It's quite nice, isn't it? They've got sniffing stations,

where you can sniff different sausages.

They've got a sausage sofa where you can relax.

-Sausage sofa?

-A sausage sofa.

-Those Germans, hey?

-Yeah.

Kevin, Welcome. Now, we have a fledgling double act, don't we?

We, we are doing Danger Mouse, aren't we?

We are.

We've been recording some episodes

and the only thing that we've changed about the voices

is the way the characters sound.

Yes...

Because you took quite a daring one,

-you've gone for quite a sort of...

-Oi, oi, Danger Mouse.

Danger Mouse.

-Which we like.

-That sounds good.

That's good, I just make hamster noises,

just squeak and whistle. Oi, oi, Penfold.

# How you doing there Mr Danger Mouse? #

That's it. APPLAUSE

-Now, then, Kevin.

-Yes?

-These languages.

I don't know,

there's one that I would risk.

But I don't know for certain

and I don't really want to risk

that 100 so I'm going to go for one

that I think would probably be

quite high-scoring

and I think I will go

for Frankreich in German is France.

Frankreich. France.

Let's see if that's right

and if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said France.

It's right. 28, our only score at the moment.

Oh, 47 for Frankreich.

Could have been lower.

Oh, they're happy on the first podium there.

Love that on the first podium.

Perfectly good answer, though,

and better to not take a risk

if you're not sure.

Yeah, France. The most popular country in the world for tourists.

-Over 80 million a year.

-Is it?

-Yeah, are you having a pop at that?

I'm not having a pop at that. It's quite nice...

It's quite nice, France, it has to be said.

Uh, Jeremy. Welcome. The writer of several books now.

How many novels have you written?

Well, one novel that's properly a novel

and three books of short stories.

And you've written a brilliant play, ghost stories.

Your job, I'd say, is about the most selfless job there is

cos you sit there and you craft these beautiful gags

for other people to go and get all the glory for.

Oh, but there's an enormous pleasure in watching people

such as yourself bring those gags to life.

Cos Jeremy did Armstrong And Miller, as well.

Oh, I'm...well, as a writer...what's it like writing for Ben Miller?

It must be amazing.

When you're writing, sometimes some performers

will make what you write slightly worse,

and some will make it sing in a way you don't think it can.

And Ben is in the second category cos you write stuff, you just think,

"Oh, I don't know."

And then he comes out and he does his stuff and all that.

And Xander...solid. You write him a joke, he'll read it out, fine.

Camera looks at him, everybody's happy. Ben is just...

But it's like magic dust, isn't it? What he does.

Yeah, yeah.

It's very interesting that, like with the new Danger Mouse.

Because you're very good.

You're absolutely solid as a rock

but Kevin...is amazing.

My God, I'm not being funny but you in your career have been so lucky.

Well, actually, that really is true. Yeah. Not wrong there.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

-Jeremy.

-Yes.

Well, it's tempting

to take a risk...

Are you tempted by Wlochy there?

No, I went there

and I couldn't even say it

but Tjekkiet I'm tempted by.

I'm going to take the risk,

live a bit, I'm going to say Turkey.

Turkey. OK, Turkey says Jeremy,

let's see if that's right for Tjekkiet

and if it is let's see how many people said it.

Oh, no!

-Oh, dear, oh, dear.

-Oh, Jeremiah.

-I let you down.

-Jeremiah.

-I've let you down.

-No, you haven't.

-I'm afraid an incorrect answer.

-Oh.

-An incorrect answer there scores you 100.

-And he's so clever.

-Yeah, you say that.

-Not so clever now.

No, that's genuine unlucky. Good risk to go for.

I would have said 23 people on our poll made the same mistake,

went for the same thing.

Thank you very much indeed.

Now, Barry.

-Yes.

-Oh, Barry, welcome back. Lovely to have you.

You were finalists last time...winners the first time.

-Oh, yes.

-Then you came back, round one.

-Round one.

How did you pass the blame between you? Was it to me, to you?

Well, it was Paul's fault, yeah, it was to him.

-It wasn't, it was you.

-No, it's you. It wasn't to me, it was to you.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. No, no, it wasn't.

Oh, dear. Now, listen, I want to hear about this.

So you're doing this charity single with Tinchy Stryder.

-Oh, yes.

-I haven't heard it, have you heard it?

-Yeah.

It's very good. It's actually very good.

-I bet it is.

-It's for a great charity...

-It is, yeah.

-Isn't it?

-It is.

-ACLT, Afro-Caribbean Leukaemia Trust.

And it's a fabulous charity and it's really doing well at the moment.

-Pleased to say.

-Well done, that's fantastic.

-But, now, back to the job in hand, Barry.

-Down to it.

-Come on.

Yes, I was going to go for Tjekkiet,

only I was going to say

the Czech Republic for that one

but now what I'm going to go for

is Svizzera

which I think is Switzerland.

Switzerland says Barry.

Let's see if it is right

and if it is, let's see how many people said Switzerland.

-It's right.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-65.

-65, oh, dear.

No, that did everything you needed it to do, Barry.

Good, safe, sure-footed answer there. Not a bad answer at all.

-Best place in the world to be born, they say.

-Oh, is it?

Yeah, Switzerland.

Now, Jeremy, Tjekkiet, which, as a writer, you went for

because the word sounds like Turkey but outwitted,

not for the first time in your life by Barry Chuckle.

You're absolutely right, Barry. It's Czech Republic.

Oh, dear. Should have gone for it.

A terrific answer, would have scored you five points.

Well done if you said that at home, unlucky if you said Turkey.

-Barbade is...

-Barbados.

-Barbados, yeah.

That would have scored you 44.

-Estados Unidos.

-United States.

Actually quite a low scorer, that one.

Worth going for - 38.

And the best answer on the board, Wlochy - it is Italy.

OTHERS: Oh.

And would've scored you one point. One point.

Thanks very much indeed. We're halfway through the round,

let's take a look at those scores.

Nigel. Best score of the round was yours, very well done indeed.

28 puts you and Doon in a very strong position at this stage

Then up to Kevin who scored 47, very well done indeed, Frankreich

and up to the Chuckle Brothers over there.

Barry on 65, well done. Very good indeed.

And Jeremy, you know, that was a good answer.

But I'm sorry, it was an incorrect answer.

We'll come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, let's put seven more hard-to-pronounce countries up

on the board and here they come...

READS OPTIONS

REPEATS OPTIONS

There we go. Paul.

Paul, I mean, how much of the time do you spend together? I mean...

-As little as possible.

-Most of the year, isn't it?

In a year, I mean, how much of your time, would you say?

-I would say seven, eight months at least.

-Would you?

-That's knocking off the...

-It seems longer than that.

-It seems ten times longer, yes.

-I think it's lovely.

To be able to work with your brother that closely,

it's not every brotherly relationship

that would survive and thrive.

It isn't, really.

-I know a few butcher shops where brothers work together.

-Do they?

Yeah. And a bus driver I know has got a brother that's on the buses.

-And they survive?

-But not on the same bus.

And a couple of footballers I know.

Well, there we are. OK, Paul.

What are you going to go for on this board?

I'll go for the French,

I'll go for Sweden.

You're going to say Sweden for Suede. Sweden for Suede.

You have a red line coming in and there it is.

If you can get below that red line, you are through to the next round.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Sweden.

It's right.

-Oh.

-55.

That opens the door for Nerys there. Takes your total up to 120.

Pretty big score, not the worst score you could've got, though.

They drink twice as much coffee as the average in the EU, the Swedes.

-Don't think of them as coffee drinkers, do you?

-No.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

Now, Nerys, let's just talk about The Liver Birds, for goodness sake.

-Sandra in The Liver Birds.

-Yes.

So how did that come about?

-What was the background? Had you worked with Carla before?

-No.

I played Jimmy Bolan's girlfriend a couple of episodes

in Likely Lads and the same producer, Syd Lotterby,

he asked me to be in it, so that was it.

-11 years, Alexander.

-Yeah.

-A long time.

-A long time.

But one of those sort of things, a bit like The Young Ones, actually,

that sort of became a real cornerstone.

-Now then, Nerys.

-Yes.

You have to score 19 or less.

19 or less.

I mean, I can see about two

or three obvious ones.

I think I'm going to have to go...

Just take a step back.

Live dangerously.

And take a deep breath.

OK.

Lithuania, Germany.

Litauen, Lithuania.

Now, here's your red line.

Oh, you're looking worried.

I've no idea, I don't know the scores.

-Oh, I see.

-I think that's a great answer.

-Do you?

Yeah, I mean, I was worried about how low your red line is,

but that's OK.

It's not that low.

THEY LAUGH

Lithuania, you have to get below that with Lithuania.

Let's see if you can. Please, can you?

Let's see how many people said Lithuania.

It's 100.

-It's right.

-Oh!

Still going down.

-Oh, no!

-Oh, no!

-47.

-We're out.

47. Takes your total up to 147.

There is a world in which you could survive.

It involves Adil very obligingly getting something wrong.

LAUGHTER

47 points for Lithuania.

According to Lonely Planet, it's the third best place

-to visit in the world.

-Thank you very much indeed.

-Now, Adil.

-Yes.

-Welcome to Pointless.

-Thank you.

-Great to have you here. Citizen Khan.

-Yes.

Been a huge success.

Yeah, it's done very well, I think, yeah.

-Yeah, well, many, many congratulations.

-Thank you.

And how much of your year does that take up?

Pretty much quite a lot of it.

I'm a bit of a control freak, it's fair to say.

I get involved in almost everything.

That's how good comedies come about, though.

You have to be a bit of a control freak.

-But also you've been making documentaries, as well.

-Yes.

-Do you enjoy that?

-I do, yeah. I quite enjoy doing the documentaries.

Probably not as enjoyable as the comedy, obviously, but...

-Quite important to stretch yourself a bit.

-Absolutely.

One's a good sort of holiday from the other, I suppose.

Yes, absolutely.

So there you are on 47.

-If you can score 99 or less.

-Yes.

The fourth one along,

the German for Egypt.

OK. Agypten. OK.

Here comes your red line.

Look how high that is.

Get below that with Egypt and you are in the next round.

Good luck, Nerys and Jeremy.

THEY LAUGH

"Oh, jeopardy!"

-Is it right? How many people said it?

-Come on, come on.

Come on!

It's right, it's right.

Through you go.

-42 for Egypt.

-APPLAUSE

Takes your total up to 89.

Actually scored fewer points than Lithuania.

-Interesting.

-Yeah.

Thank you. Doon, welcome to Pointless.

I tell you something I know about you, Doon,

is you love nothing more than swimming in cold water.

Now, that is true. I am a swimming bore, yes. I do.

So I will swim in the sea all year-round, in rivers,

puddles, anything.

-Lidos.

-Lidos.

But you have swum in the Arctic, in the ice.

Yeah, they cut a square out of the Baltic Sea

and we just swam 25 metres and you start fast

and then you slow up as you gradually get hypothermia

and then someone pulls you out the other end.

I've been addicted ever since, ladies and gentlemen.

I just can't stop swimming in cold water.

Doon, this board is all yours.

Talk us through it.

Because I just love the name Uusi-Seelanti,

it's like Haile Selassie

or something,

I think this might be

the United States of America.

OK, no red line for you

for the lovely reason

you're already through.

Let's see if Uusi-Seelanti is the United States.

-As it happens, it's not.

-Oh, that's a horrible noise!

-Noise of despair.

-Jeremy, let's hold hands.

Uusi-Seelanti, not the United States.

Scores you 100 points, takes your total up 128,

but you're through so it's fine.

It's all fine.

They're quite hard, some of these. I thought it might be Iceland.

It was only when I was reading it for the second time,

Seelanti.

-Yeah.

-There's your clue.

-New Zealand.

-It is New Zealand. Yep.

Would have scored 4 points so a terrific answer.

Danimarca is Denmark, of course.

Only would've scored you 36.

Would have been a very good answer.

Chorvatsko is very similar to its name in its own language

and it is Croatia.

Best answer on the board, 2 points.

And Paesi Bassi.

-Netherlands.

-It's the Netherlands, yeah.

The French call it Pays-Bas, the Italians call it Paesi Bassi.

7 points for that.

Thank you very much indeed.

Well, at the end of our first round,

I'm very, very sorry to say, Nerys...

Nerys, you've done half as well as you did last time.

I know! I know!

You've been very successful in getting out.

This is criminal to be letting you go so soon.

Nerys and Jeremy, wonderful contestants.

APPLAUSE

But for the remaining three pairs it's now time for Round Two.

So we're down to three pairs.

At the end of this round we have to say goodbye to another pair.

Very best of luck.

Our category for Round Two this evening is...

Can you all decide in your pairs

who's going to go first, who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, let's find out what the question is. Here it comes.

We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many

celebrities on Who Do You Think You Are? as they could.

Celebrities who featured on Who Do You Think You Are? Richard.

Yeah, there have been 11 series of the UK version

of Who Do You Think You Are?

Up to the end of October 2014.

We're looking for the names of any of the 100 celebrities

who've appeared on the show, please.

Very best of luck.

Thank you very much indeed.

So, Doon, you watch Who Do You Think You Are?

-I don't really watch television.

-OK.

-So, it's pick a celebrity then.

-It is pick a celebrity.

There's 100 to choose from.

Joanna Lumley.

Joanna Lumley, says Doon.

Joanna Lumley. Let's see if it's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Joanna Lumley.

No!

Oh, but, Doon.

That's shocking! Double disaster.

Doon, I'm afraid Joanna Lumley, wrong answer.

Scores you 100 points.

-It feels like she has, doesn't it?

-Doesn't it?

But no. She'd be a very good one.

-She would. Adil?

-Mm.

OK, I'm going to go with a friend of mine

who's an actor on Eastenders

and I'm pretty certain he's done it because I've seen it myself,

Nitin Ganatra.

-Nitin Ganatra. Nitin Ganatra.

-Yes.

OK, let's see if that's right

and if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said Nitin Ganatra.

It is right.

Ooh, wouldn't that be weird if it weren't?

Down it goes.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Now that, Adil, is a score. Look at that.

1 for Nitin Ganatra.

That's a terrific answer, Adil. Very, very well played.

As you say, Massood on Eastenders.

-Been on Pointless Celebrities as well. Lovely fella.

-Yeah.

So, Paul.

Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, again.

I'm sorry, I don't watch the programme,

but I'll try and guess for

-Bill Oddie.

-Bill Oddie, says Paul.

-He should've been on it.

-Bill Oddie.

Oh, no, that's a great answer, I think.

Let's find out. Maybe not.

Bill Oddie, is it right? How many people said it?

It is right.

It's right and it's still going down.

4, very well done indeed, Paul!

-Good answer.

-APPLAUSE

That's a tremendous answer.

-That's a good guess, Paul. Well played.

-Very good guess.

Well, we're halfway through the round.

Let's take a look at those scores.

What a great round...in some cases.

LAUGHTER

Adil, very well done. Adil and Kevin looking very strong.

Ditto Paul and Barry over there with 4.

Then I'm afraid Doon and Nigel,

who knows what's going to happen on the next pass?

Who knows, but, Nigel, a really low score from you,

and it would have to be really low, might keep you in the game,

so best of luck with that.

We'll come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, now, Barry, remember we're looking for the name of any

celebrity who has been the subject of a Who Do You Think You Are?

You're on 4.

If you could score 95 or less, you are in the head-to-head.

95 or less.

95 or less. Now, have you watched the show?

I have watched a few times, yes. But I can't remember who was on it!

-LAUGHTER

-It's funny that, isn't it?

-It's his age, you know.

-It wasn't you, Richard, was it? No.

I'm going to go for

Alexander Armstrong.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Alexander Armstrong, says Barry.

-Now, there is your red line.

-LAUGHTER

If you get below that, you're through to the next round.

Let's see if that's right and if it is,

let's see how many of our 100 people said Alexander Armstrong.

It's right, you're through.

Oh!

2!

APPLAUSE

There you go, look at that!

Takes your score up to 6.

A very, very good answer. Also scores 2 fewer than Bill Oddie.

Thanks very much indeed. Now, Kevin.

-Don't watch it.

-Kev... Ooh.

-Nigel and Doon.

-I don't watch it,

but I did watch one recently

and it has stuck in my mind

because it was Brian Blessed.

And it was entertaining

because it was a litany of disasters all his past family history

and every time a new disaster was announced,

he would repeat it in a loud theatrical voice.

So, "So then, I'm afraid, Brian,

"they all had to go and work down the mines."

"Work down the mines?!"

LAUGHTER

"Yes, and then they all died of consumption."

"Died of consumption?!"

LAUGHTER

Let's see Brian Blessed.

There's your red line, if you get below that with Brian Blessed,

you're through to the head-to-head. Let's see if it's right.

It's right.

21 for Brian Blessed. Very well done indeed.

Takes your total up to 22.

Well played, Kevin. Terrific answer again.

You know you can get his voice now as a satnav?

Oh, Lord, really? Oh, Lordy.

Thanks very much indeed.

Um, Nigel.

Nigel, I'm afraid you are the high scorers even before

you've given your answer. I'm sorry.

Anyhow, let's have a nice low score from you.

I will go for...

David Baddiel.

David Baddiel, says Nigel.

No red line for you as you're the high scorers already,

but let's see how many of our 100 people said David Baddiel.

HE WHISPERS QUIETLY

That's a good answer, down it goes!

Pointless!

Check it out!

APPLAUSE

That is a Pointless answer! It scores nothing for you.

It adds £250 to today's jackpot.

Takes the total up to £2,750.

It leaves your total at 100 points.

It was a terrific answer,

it was a good episode, as well, David Baddiel's one.

Very moving.

There's lots of Pointless answers. Let's take a look at a few of them.

These ones, you remember them.

Once you see the names, you remember the episodes.

There's lots of others, actually.

There's Alan Cumming, Alex Kingston, Alistair McGowan,

Jeremy Irons, John Bishop, John Simpson, Julia Sawalha,

Robin Gibb, Rupert Everett, Samantha Womack,

William Roache, Zoe Wanamaker.

-Lots and lots of pointless answers out there.

-There you are.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So at the end of our second round, I'm sorry to say, Nigel and Doon,

we have to say goodbye to you. I'm so sorry.

Anyway, listen, you're going to have to come back.

Please come back and do it again.

It's been lovely having you on the show, thank you so much.

-Nigel and Doon.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

But for Barry and Paul, and Adil and Kevin,

it's now time for our head-to-head.

Congratulations, Adil and Kevin, Barry and Paul.

You are now one step closer to the final and a chance to play

for our jackpot for your charities which currently stands at £2,750.

APPLAUSE

So this is the round where we decide who goes through to the final

and plays for that jackpot and we do that by making you go head-to-head.

The big difference is you're now allowed to chat

before you give your answer so you can confer fully

and the first player to win two questions

will be playing for that jackpot.

This will be close. Best of luck to both players.

Let's play the head-to-head.

So, here is your first question.

And it concerns...

Apes & Monkeys. Richard.

I'm going to show you five apes and monkeys.

You just need to tell us what they are.

We'll give you some of the letters of their names to help you out.

Thanks very much. OK, let's reveal our five apes

and monkeys and here they come. We've got...

Bit embarrassed.

RICHARD CHUCKLES

ALEXANDER CHUCKLES

There we go. Five primates.

Now, then, Adil and Kevin,

you have been our lowest scorers so far, so you will go first.

-OK. Mm.

-Mm.

Yes, I think we'll go...

D, proboscis monkey.

Proboscis monkey for D.

Proboscis monkey.

Now then, Barry and Paul.

All those other monkeys are yours. Talk us through them.

Well, we know baboon.

That's an easy one.

Where's that one?

E, got to be baboon.

Correct, that's a baboon.

I think A we go for, don't we?

Is it... What is it?

-Gibbon.

-OK, gibbon. OK.

Take that as a gibbon.

OK, so we have proboscis monkey and we have gibbon.

Adil and Kevin have gone for proboscis monkeys, D.

Let's see if it's right and if it is,

let's see how many of our 100 people said proboscis monkey.

It is right.

APPLAUSE

19. Now, Barry and Paul have said gibbon for A.

Let's see if that is right. And if it is, let's see how many

of our 100 people said gibbon.

It's right.

Down it goes...

30 for gibbon.

Not bad, though, not a bad score at all.

Cute face, isn't it?

Which means, after one question, Adil and Kevin, you are up 1-nil.

-Yeah, good answer. Adil and Kevin are good, aren't they?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

They are good. Um, B is the mountain gorilla.

-Yes.

-I said that, Barry.

That would've scored you 45.

It is a big old score.

C... The letters look disconcerting,

like Julianne Moore, but it's not.

It's... LAUGHTER

It is a Japanese macaque.

Japanese macaque. Very well done if you said that.

It would have scored you 3.

And, you're right, the baboon was E.

And the baboon would have scored you...

64. 64 points.

There we are. Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So here comes your second question.

Barry and Paul, you get to answer this one first.

You have to win it to stay in the game. So good luck with that.

It concerns...

-Oh, you're good at this.

-TV Crime Fighters. Richard?

We are going to now play you five theme tunes of shows with

crime fighters in them.

We just need you to tell us the name of the most obscure show, please.

Brilliant. OK, so let's... Yes, let's play our pieces of music.

And here they come. We have got...

There we are, five pieces of crime-fighting music.

Now then, Barry and Paul, what do you think?

-A - The Avengers.

-A - The Avengers, say Barry and Paul.

A - The Avengers. Now, Adil and Kevin.

We will guess at C

as being The Bill.

C - The Bill.

We have A - The Avengers, C - The Bill.

Barry and Paul said A was The Avengers.

Let's see if that is right and how many people said The Avengers.

Oh, Barry...

What did I tell you? It was his fault.

I'm afraid an incorrect answer, which means, Adil and Kevin,

you merely have to be correct with The Bill,

and you will go through to the next round.

Let's see if that is right. C - The Bill.

It's right. It's right.

It has got a high score, but it did everything you needed it to do.

-APPLAUSE

-And it means, Adil and Kevin,

after only two questions, you are through to the final 2-nil.

Yeah, very well played.

Let's take a listen to each of them and I'll say what they are.

The Saint.

The Saint is exactly right.

It would have scored you 38 points.

B was...

-Midsummer Murders.

-Midsummer Murders.

You know all of them! Midsummer Murders,

that would've scored you 42.

Also would have seen you the point.

And D...

Twin Peaks?

Let's have a little listen.

What do we think this is?

-ALL:

-Twin Peaks.

-Twin Peaks, exactly right.

That would have scored you 30.

And the hardest one of all, easily the lowest scorer, was E.

Now, this is... You recognise it as it goes on, it is Stingray.

-Aah!

-Stingray, yeah.

-It would have scored you 1 point.

It would have scored you 1 point.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So the pair leaving us at the end of this round,

I'm sorry to say, Barry and Paul, it's you.

Barry, you knew some of those.

Yes, I did, but I thought they might be high scorers.

I thought we'd go for the earlier one, but...

-Oh, bad luck!

-Then I remembered it was The Saint.

You'll just have to come back. Thanks so much.

Barry and Paul, wonderful as ever.

APPLAUSE

But for Adil and Kevin, it is now time for our Pointless final.

Congratulations, Adil and Kevin, you have seen off all

the competition and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.

-So very well done.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot

for your nominated charities.

And at the end of today's show, we have actually managed to bump

that jackpot up a little bit, courtesy of Nigel.

It is now £2,750. There it is.

APPLAUSE

What a performance! Lovely low-scoring from you.

2-nil in the head-to-head, no arguing with that.

You get to choose your category for this round.

We put four up, let's hope there's something

up on there that you quite like the look of.

Here are this evening's choices. We've got...

LAUGHTER

-Oh, God!

-The only one for me is...

-Films?

-Yeah, that is the only one.

-All right, let's do that then.

-Let's do that.

-Yeah, we'll do that.

Yeah, I think it is going to have to be Films With "The" In Their Titles.

-Can't be many(!)

-LAUGHTER

Films With "The" In Their Titles, Richard.

OK, you have got chances here, guys.

We are looking for any film directed by...

That is all according to IMDB up to the end of September 2014.

As always, no short films, TV films, documentaries, anything like that.

Very, very best of luck, guys.

You've been terrific all the way through,

let's hope it's a good jackpot round.

OK, now, as always, you have got up

to one minute to come up with three answers.

All you need to win that jackpot for your charities is for just

one of those answers to be pointless.

-Are you ready?

-No.

-No, not at all.

-No.

That is a good tactic!

I've never... No-one has ever done that before.

Oh, I better wait till they are ready. Um...

Are you ready NOW?

-BOTH HESITANTLY:

-Yeeeeessss...

Let's put 60 seconds up on the clock.

And there they are. Your time starts now!

Oh, God, right. Hitchcock, The Birds.

-That is going to be really popular, right?

-Really popular.

Spielberg, The Color Purple.

-The Color Purple, that is a good one.

-Let's have that one.

-Martin Scorsese...

-Scorsese...

-Oh, God! Um... The ET, is that one of his?

-No, no.

-That's not him.

Scorsese, The...

-What did Spielberg do?

-Spielberg...

-Oh, God, I can't think of any.

-What are the Hitchcock ones?

-39 Steps...

-39. Is it The 39 Steps?

-Or is it just 39? I think it is just 39.

-Is it 39 Steps?

-Oh, my God, we are so rubbish.

-I know. Um...

OK...

-Oh, my God!

-Hitchcock, Hitchcock, come on, come on...

There has got to be...

Martin Scorsese, what are some...?

-Things with De Niro.

-Ten seconds left.

-Taxi Driver.

-Um... Oh, no.

-Goodfellas.

-God! It has been so rubbish!

Oh...

That, I'm afraid, is your time up.

OK, I now need three answers.

And if you would just say which category it is you are answering in.

OK, well, films directed by Steven Spielberg, we got one for that.

-The Color Purple.

-The Color Purple, very good.

-Um...

-Hitchcock, The Birds, but it is going to be so big.

-We will have to say that.

-We have to go with that.

-The Birds.

-Yes.

-And... OK, rock'n'roll, come on, one more, one more!

-The Duellists, was that...?

-Yes, go with that!

-I don't know, have a guess.

-The Duellists.

And this is by...?

-Hitchcock?

-The Duellists by Hitchcock.

So we have three answers.

We have The Color Purple.

We have The Birds. And we have The Duellists.

Of those three, which is your best shot at a pointless answer?

It's The Color Purple, I think. I'm hoping it is not Color Purple.

-No, it is The Color Purple.

-A Color Purple. The Color Purple.

The Color Purple goes last.

Least likely to be pointless?

I think probably The Duellists.

The Duellists. OK, The Duellists will go first.

And The Birds in the middle.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Let's put those up on the board then in that order, and here they are.

We've got...

Well, three perfectly nice-looking answers up there,

let's hope that at least one of them is pointless. If one of them is,

it'll win that jackpot for your charities.

-What are your charities? Adil?

-Mine is Parkinson's UK.

-And Kevin?

-Mine is called Open Doors.

It helps vulnerable women in the Hackney area.

Very good. Very good indeed.

Two excellent charities there, well done.

APPLAUSE

Let's hope one of those answers is pointless

so you'll win that jackpot and you can share it between the charities.

Fingers crossed.

Now, The Duellists. We were looking for Alfred Hitchcock films.

You have come up with The Duellists. Under duress, it has to be said.

But who knows? Maybe it is pointless.

For £2,750, let's see how many people named

The Duellists as a Hitchcock film.

No!

I'm sorry.

OK, not a pointless answer,

which means you have two more shots at today's jackpot.

Your second answer was The Birds, in this case,

also a Hitchcock film.

Let's see, for £2,750, how many of our 100 people said The Birds.

It's right.

Well, The Duellists... Oh! Dooey! Look at that!

81 for The Birds.

Oh, 81!

81. But you still have one more answer.

There it is, you put it last, The Color Purple,

directed by Steven Spielberg.

Let's find out how many of our 100 people said The Color Purple.

For £2,750, is it pointless?

It's right.

So, your first answer,

The Duellists, was incorrect.

Your second answer, The Birds,

scored 81 points.

Your third and final answer,

The Color Purple, taking us down

through single figures, down it goes,

down it goes... Oh, no!

-1!

-What?!

APPLAUSE

What was that 1?!

I am so sorry. 1, to be so close!

-So close!

-So close!

A great answer there, but unfortunately,

you didn't manage to find that all-important pointless answer.

I'm afraid that means you don't win today's jackpot of £2,750.

But as it is a celebrity special and each pair of celebrities

is playing for a charity, we're going to donate £500

to each celebrity pair for their respective charities.

So there we are.

APPLAUSE

And a very solid, commendable performance throughout

the whole show, so very, very well done. We've loved having you on.

And you get to take home a Pointless trophy, so very well done.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Terrific, really good performance from the start.

Generally with those film rounds, you'll know a load of these films.

During the 60 seconds, you mentioned The 39 Steps,

a perfectly good answer. It would have scored you 4 points.

So it would have just prolonged the agony.

You were talking about Scorsese films with De Niro in it, and one of those

is a pointless answer, and very aptly for today as well -

-The King Of Comedy.

-The King Of Comedy.

The King Of Comedy, yeah.

But let's take a look at the other Scorsese ones.

Bringing Out The Dead with Nicholas Cage.

And also The Age Of Innocence was a pointless answer.

Let's take a look at Hitchcock.

Slightly more obscure in this category.

You also could've had The Farmer's Wife,

The Girl Was Young, The Manxman,

The Mountain Eagle, The Shame Of Mary Boyle and The Skin Game.

Very well done if you said any of those.

Now, Spielberg. There are some very big films here.

You also could've had The Adventures Of Tintin,

The Sugarland Express or Twilight Zone - The Movie.

Very, very unlucky, guys. I know there are films there that you know.

Some people at home would have got them. Congratulations if you did.

But it is hard. Unlucky.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard. Unfortunately, we say goodbye

to you, Adil and Kevin. It has been fantastic having you.

Thank you so much for playing so well.

Adil and Kevin, great contestants!

-APPLAUSE

-Well done.

Join us next time when we will be putting more obscure knowledge

to the test on Pointless.

-Meanwhile, it is goodbye from Richard.

-Goodbye.

And it is goodbye from me. Goodbye.