Episode 1 Richard Osman's House of Games

APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody, welcome to Richard Osman's House Of Games.

I am Richard Osman, and this is the House Of Games.

That is how we came up with the title. Every week, four famous faces

join me to battle in a quiz to win this magnificent trophy.

Now, this week, our four contestants are Nish Kumar, Anneka Rice,

Clara Amfo, and Al Murray.

APPLAUSE

Welcome, welcome to the House Of Games, Nish.

Lovely to be here, Richard.

Who do you think your big rivals are this week?

Well, I've got a sneaking suspicion that Murray's got some trivia game.

-He looks the type, doesn't he? Anneka.

-Hello.

Now, on House Of Games, we don't know what any of the games

are going to be. I'll press this button, new games will come up,

all sorts of different things, all play along.

Some quite silly, I'm going to tell you now.

Some overcomplicated, I will also say that.

I have to admit now, I glaze over quite easily.

And just, are there any snacks?

I tell you what, given you are here all week, I promise you

-we will feed you.

-That's fine, I'm happy.

Clara, no disrespect to Nish, but someone cool, finally on the show.

-What?!

-No, what do you mean...?

-Oh, Anneka, you're sophisticated...

-Oh!

-..Clara is cool...

-What's Nish?

-Nish and Al, they're stand-up comedians.

-We're here.

They are stand-up comedians,

pretending not to be competitive for the time being, is what they are.

Clara, we know you're a DJ - music stuff will be very good for you.

-Hopefully.

-Don't forget, though, as well

as this lovely trophy, there are daily prizes as well.

You can choose between one of these. There is a House Of Games cushion

there, you will notice, I am sure, the House Of Games pasta maker,

House Of Games scented candle.

I thought that was an old school, like, wringer for laundry.

-You probably could use it for that as well.

-Right, OK.

You could put your tiny pants through it.

You could put your tiny pants through it.

It's a House Of Games Tiny Pants Wrangler.

Any of those catching your eye? Clara, what do you fancy?

I think the Tiny Pants Wrangler.

I've got his new album, it's so good.

And last but not least, Al Murray.

-Al, so you're here all week.

-Yes.

Any tactics to get the best of these three?

Try and stay fresh, always give yourself time to think,

there is more time than you realise,

that's generally my approach to these things.

I will tell you what, Anneka wasn't kidding.

She has already glazed over.

I saw it, so really, she's gone.

Very best of luck to all four of you.

Let's see who wins today.

-Are you ready to play the first game?

-Yes.

-OK, let's do it.

Our first game today is...

Rhyme Time. Can you guess what this is?

It's time for things to rhyme.

It's time for things to rhyme, Clara Amfo, that's absolutely right.

-Good.

-Now, in this round, questions come in pairs.

In each pair, the answers rhyme with each other.

That is the only thing you need to know. Fingers on buzzers, please.

A point for each correct pair of answers. Good luck.

Fingers on buzzers at home.

Here's your first question.

BUZZER SOUNDS That is Al Murray.

Tom and Jerry, Mary Berry.

Tom and Jerry, Mary Berry, is the right answer.

APPLAUSE Very well done.

You see how it works? They all rhyme, you see?

That's how it works. Very good buzzer speed from Al Murray there.

-Very good buzzer speed.

-Very impressive.

Here's your next question.

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Al Murray.

-Oh!

Buckingham Palace, A Town Called Malice.

Let's see if that's right.

APPLAUSE

It is indeed, very well played.

In the next one, I am going to show you two pictures.

What are these pictures of?

BUZZER SOUNDS That is Nish Kumar.

Mark Ruffalo and The Gruffalo.

Mark Ruffalo and The Gruffalo is the correct answer, very well done.

APPLAUSE Here is your next question.

BUZZER SOUNDS Al Murray.

Bob Marley, Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Is that right? It is the correct answer, yes. Well done, Al.

APPLAUSE

So good, they named him twice.

No UN Sanctions, No Cry, that was his big hit.

The next one is a picture followed by a piece of music.

What is the rhyme here?

# All this talk of getting old

# It's getting me down, man...#

BUZZER SOUNDS Clara.

Pauline Quirke, The Drugs Don't Work.

Is the right answer, Clara Amfo!

APPLAUSE

Very well played. Here's your next one.

BUZZER SOUNDS Al Murray.

Norman Bates, Dire Straits.

Norman Bates, Dire Straits - are you right?

You are indeed.

APPLAUSE

-Good on the buzzer, isn't he?

-He's really good on the buzzer!

I'm picking up the scraps I can WHILE I can.

-Can I just say, Richard...?

-Yes, Anneka Rice has a question.

-If you actually get no points during the whole thing...

-Yes.

..is that a sort of kudos in its own right,

-as a kind of legendary status?

-I would say no.

-Oh.

-There are certain programmes

I work on where getting zero points would be very good for you.

So this one is not one of those, I would have to say.

Here is your next question.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Let me see who that is...

It is Al Murray!

The Bridge Of Sighs, and Lord Of The Flies.

-NISH:

-That is very good.

-Very good.

-Correct answer, Al Murray.

APPLAUSE

Here's your last question.

We have got a picture and a bit of music.

What's the rhyme? Who's that, and what is this?

MUSIC PLAYS BRIEFLY, BUZZER SOUNDS

Al Murray has buzzed in.

It's Sean Penn, and It's Raining Men.

Sean Penn, It's Raining Men.

That's a brain.

-NISH:

-That is great.

-APPLAUSE

It is Sean Penn, It's Raining Men. That is the end of that round.

Shall we take a look at the scores? IRONICALLY: I wonder who's leading.

-Well... NISH:

-Crikey!

-It's pretty much neck and neck at this stage.

-Anneka, just keeping...

-Just easing myself in.

Easing yourself in. You know, Nish and Clara

are sort of easing themselves in as well, with one point.

Currently in a small lead, Al Murray with six.

APPLAUSE

Goodness me. Well, we've done one.

It is quite a relief, to be honest.

I cannot wait for you to get a point.

-I know! I'm excited!

-Shall we play another round?

-Yes.

OK, let's take a look. What are we going to play now?

Distinctly Average.

OK, in this round, we play in pairs.

The lowest scorer always chooses who they pair up with.

Anneka, that's you in this case.

-Well, it would be nice to get a point, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

-Al!

-IRONICALLY: Al looks delighted with that.

-Anything I can do to help.

Just to ease me in to the pointage.

-I feel I have peaked, though, to be honest with you.

-Oh!

So, Anneka, you will be joining Al.

Clara, you will be joining Nish.

If you swap places, please, so you can sit next to your team-mate.

-Exciting.

-Nice, isn't it? Now, you have all got tablets

by the side of you there. If you take those out.

-That's modern, isn't it?

-So modern!

Al is known to be at a huge disadvantage, because of his age.

-Absolutely!

-It is probably the first time...

-What is it?!

Now, here's how this works.

You are really going to rely on your partner in this round.

I am going to ask you a series of questions, and I need you all

to write down your answer on your tablet.

Within the pairs, we will then take the average of your answers.

I'm confident.

I'm not!

So, Nish and Clara, Anneka and Al,

let's take a look at your first question.

No conferring - I need you to write down your answer on your tablets.

Great people at the British Egg Industry Council.

I love those guys!

-That's really hard.

-That's a really hard one.

It will be interesting to see if you get close at all with each other.

Has everyone written down an answer?

Clara is writing such a long number.

-Are you happy with your answer?

-Yeah, yeah.

OK, they are locked in.

-Nish, what have you gone with?

-I have written 10 million eggs,

and I have drawn a picture of a happy egg.

It IS a happy egg! So you think 10 million?

Yeah, and as I say it out loud, I feel that it is too much.

-You think it's too MUCH?

-Yeah.

I think there's 65 million people in the UK,

so you think one in six people...?

They have them in cakes and stuff like that as well, and custard.

Oh, cakes!

-Clara, what have you gone for?

-Essentially, I'm saying 60 million.

She might have helped you out there, because your average will go up.

-Yeah, you might have.

-OK.

-So, let's take a look at your average.

-That's OK.

-Yeah.

-Anneka?

-I've gone for 58 million.

58... You and Clara very close.

Yeah, could have gone more, I think, now.

-Let's see what Al Murray has gone for.

-60 million eggs.

-Oh, and a picture!

-And a picture of a boiled egg.

58 million, 60 million - even I can work out the average there.

That is 59 million is the average there,

so we've got 35 million, 59 million.

I would have gone higher.

-Would you go higher?

-Only because of cakes.

Let's have a reveal, how many eggs are consumed in the UK each day?

-No!

-That is unbelievable!

-How about that?

-Unbelievable between the two of you.

-The happy egg saves the day!

APPLAUSE

That is unbelievable!

Get the British Egg Council on the phone - that number's wrong.

-One egg per every two people.

-For every two people.

That is incredible stuff.

Here's your next question.

The total number of goals.

-You're a football fan, Nish, right?

-Yeah.

-So you should be pretty good at this.

-Yeah.

Clara, you've got the face of someone who isn't a football fan.

I don't really speak football, if I am being very honest.

If you write down your answers, please.

Al Murray properly working it out in his head.

No, clueless!

-RICHARD LAUGHS

-Football, whatever.

Al, no pressure, but Anneka still doesn't have a point.

It would be really nice if you could help her out here.

Everybody happy? Everyone put in their answers?

-Yeah.

-Lovely. Nish, what have you gone for?

-I've gone for 1,000 goals.

-1,000 goals, and he knows about football.

-Your thinking?

-My thinking is, it's a 38 game season,

and there's 20 teams, and I think if you average it out,

they would score slightly more than one goal a game.

Clara, are you anywhere near 1,000?

I'm really, really not. I went for...

-90.

-LAUGHTER

Because it felt... It felt great.

And football games are 90 minutes long, are they not?

Oh, yeah, hold on a minute, she could be onto something here.

NISH LAUGHS

And I've drawn a football, but it kind of looks like a pizza.

Well, that's bringing your average down a little bit.

-It worked for us last time!

-It worked perfectly last time.

-Oh, mate.

-So your average is...

-545.

-That sounds good.

-Sounds all right.

-That sounds good.

Anneka, how many goals?

-Random - 890.

-890. Because it's specific,

it sounds like you really, really know what you're talking about.

Exactly, I think you will be surprised.

-Al, have you gone anywhere near 890?

-1,100.

Do you think I'm nearly heading for a point?

You might be, well, it depends what the answer is.

Knowing how brilliant Clara and Nish were on the last one,

you could be in trouble.

545 say Nish and Clara, and Al and Anneka say 995.

-You like that answer, don't you?

-Yeah.

-Of course you do.

-Well, because it's nearly YOUR answer!

-That's so weird,

that the two of your brains that know nothing about football,

put together, have literally absolutely replicated yours.

-Yeah!

-It is almost like football fans are a bit thick.

Let's take a look.

How many goals were scored in the English Premier League that season?

-1,064! How about that?

-Very good.

Anneka Rice, everybody! APPLAUSE

Anneka has a point!

I'm there, I'm in the game.

Shall we look at our next one?

This includes gifts, food, drink, decorations, holiday travel,

in the six-week period leading up to Christmas.

Have a little think about that at home,

think about what you spent last Christmas.

How are you feeling with a point under your belt, Anneka?

-Very relaxed now!

-It's nicer, right?

-Very relaxed.

Who'd know that one point could change my life? I'm so happy!

I know. Makes all the difference sometimes, doesn't it?

Shall we have a look at your answers?

Nish, what does the average UK household spend on Christmas?

-I've gone for £10,000.

-Whoa!

-I just think...

-Oh, my goodness.

-What? Who do you live with!

-Well, I just felt like...

Listen to Mr Average there!

Have my credentials as a man of the people gone out the window?

A little bit. Clara, are you agreeing with your team-mate?

I am absolutely not agreeing with my team-mate.

Sorry, Nish.

I'm going to go for £1,750.

£1,750.

-That sounds a lot more...

-It does, now it is said out loud.

Man, Hindu Christmases are really extravagant!

Nish and Clara, your average is £5,805.

-Oh, mate.

-Love it!

Clara, you don't look delighted.

I'm not delighted, if I'm being honest.

-Nish, you spend far too much money at Christmas.

-Anneka Rice.

-£820.40.

-And 40p!

That could be it, though, that 40p.

IRONICALLY: Thanks for making these averages so much easier to work out.

-Al Murray.

-£1,800.

£1,800.

Anneka and Al, let's take a look at your average.

Your average is £1,310.20.

Thank you, Anneka.

Let's see what the actual answer is.

What is the average UK household spend?

-AL:

-I'm dying to know now!

£809! What was yours again, Anneka?

Oh, very well done! APPLAUSE

To be fair, Nish was only £9,100 out.

So that was pretty close. That's the end of that round.

Anneka and Clara, if you could go back to your original seats.

Bye, Clara, sorry.

Let's take a look at the scores at the end of that round.

We have Al Murray, still in the lead. We have a tie for

second place - you are all silver medallists, Clara, Anneka and Nish.

-That's good, isn't it?

-Another way of saying that -

you are all in last place.

At least you have company.

-You need to catch up on Al.

-Oh, yeah.

-That's the thing to do.

-Shall we play another game and see if we can catch up on him?

-Yeah.

Let's take a look at our next game.

Broken Karaoke.

OK, we have a karaoke machine on this show

but unfortunately it is broken.

Strictly speaking we should have fixed it, but we haven't

so we're going to have to go ahead with this round anyway.

What we're going to do is show you part of a well-known song.

But because the karaoke machine is broken,

we're only going to show you the first letter of each word.

So you have to buzz in and tell us which songs you're seeing.

-Everybody ready to play? ALL:

-Let's do it.

-Yes.

On the buzzers - your first one is from the year...

1984.

I was minus one years old in 1984.

Oh, man!

Can we take a couple of points off Nish?

LAUGHTER

-AL:

-Please do that!

-Back to zero.

-That's just depressing.

OK, what is this song?

-BUZZER AL:

-Oh, my...

-That is Clara Amfo.

It is Madonna, with Like A Virgin.

Is that right? Let's listen...

# Like a virgin

# Touched for the very first time... #

-It was the V that gave it away.

-It's the V that gave it away?

-Yeah.

Let's take a look at your next one.

This is a song from 1964.

BUZZER Clara Amfo!

Under the Boardwalk.

-Is THAT right?

-No!

Let's listen...

-# Under the boardwalk... #

-That is amazing!

-APPLAUSE

-# Out of the sun

# Under the boardwalk

# We'll be having some fun

# Under the boardwalk

# People walking above... #

What's the last one little letter going to be?

-AL:

-Come on, you're good at this, Clara.

-I try.

You should be, though. Let's be honest now.

-# ..Boardwalk! #

-There we go,

-very well played, Clara. NISH:

-Amazing!

-It's amazing.

Just trying to get ready for that Radio 2 gig, you know?

Just want to line it up!

LAUGHTER

-This is Future You, Clara, right here.

-This is where you end up.

That was Under The Boardwalk by The Drifters,

well done if you said that at home.

This next one is from 1974.

BUZZER

-AL:

-Oh, yeah, I know.

-Clara...?

David Bowie, with Rebel Rebel.

ALL GROAN

Let's have a listen...

# Rebel Rebel You've torn your dress... #

Very well done. APPLAUSE

# Rebel Rebel Your face is a mess

# Rebel Rebel

# How could they know?

# Hot tramp... #

# I love you so. #

Very well done, you're killing this round.

I like the fact that your buzzer now makes a sound of Al Murray going,

"Oh, I know this one..."

Here's your last question in this round,

can anybody apart from Clara get one of these?

This is a song from...

1993.

BUZZER

AL LAUGHS

Let's see who it is!

It is Clara Amfo.

I'm hoping...it's 2 Unlimited, No Limit.

I wonder if it could be! Shall we take a listen?

# No no

# No no no no

# No no no no

# No no, there's no limit

# No no

# No no no no

# No no no no

# No no, there's no limit... #

-Wow.

-What an amazing round for Clara Amfo!

I wonder how well you did at home -

some people won't have got any of them, I suspect,

you can just either see them or you can't sometimes.

Let's take a look at what that's done to the scores.

We have joint bronze medallists Nish and Anneka with 2 points,

Clara, 6 points, catching up with our leader Al Murray! 8 points.

-APPLAUSE

-I said I'd peaked.

So two points in it, two rounds to go.

Shall we see what's coming up next?

This one's going to suit you, Anneka, I'm sure of it.

What's our next game?

Is It Me? is our next game.

In this round, you will each be an answer -

the person who's in last place gets to choose first.

Anneka, I'll let you choose first.

-Thank you.

-I know you're in joint last.

Would you like to be chicken, cat, camel or cow?

Cow. I love cows.

Love cows!

Anneka, that's you.

Nish, you can choose the next one.

-I'll take the chicken.

-Chicken?

Clara, cat or camel?

I'm going to go for the camel, you know.

Clara the camel.

Al, you will be a cat.

-I'm terribly allergic.

-To cats?

I just want to declare an interest that if this round goes badly,

it's the allergy.

Are you allergic to signs SAYING cat?

Well, we're going to find out, aren't we?

That would be a hell of an allergy!

If you were allergic to the word.

If you think a statement describes you,

hold up your paddle. And if not, keep it down.

Might be none of you, might be all of you.

Here comes your first statement.

I produce milk. Some of these are easier than others,

so cow is a good one to have for this stage.

-I was really excited then.

-I am quite a fan of cow's milk.

You get it in some of those artisan places, don't you, in east London.

Yes, it's very rare.

Clara, you're saying camel milk,

Al, you're saying cat,

and you're saying there is such a thing as chicken milk.

LAUGHTER

AL CACKLES

A chicken milk latte. Mmm...

Mmm. You never know. So everybody is saying yes to this one.

-Including Nish.

-I'm taking a punt.

Has Nish scored a point in this round?

I produce milk -

which of those are correct answers?

Cow, camel and cat all do...

-Close one! Close one!

-Weirdly, chickens don't produce milk.

I thought it might be one of those weird facts about chickens.

-I'll tell you a weird fact about chickens.

-Yeah?

They don't produce milk. LAUGHTER

Here's your next statement.

As a word,

I score 8 or more in Scrabble.

Staying down or going up, Clara?

I'm staying down.

OK, everyone's given an answer.

Let's see who scores a point.

I score 8 or more in Scrabble...

Chicken, cow and camel all do,

so points there for Anneka and Nish.

I was thinking in terms of it being on a triple word score.

-Well, you should have asked, Al.

-Oh!

Here's your next one. Who is a correct answer here?

Which of those is mentioned in the Bible?

I would have thought camel surely.

-You'd hope so.

-Oh, Nish!

-Oh, he doesn't know.

-I'm now going up and down.

-Al, are you staying down with cat?

-No cats in the Bible.

Ain't no cats in the Bible.

-NISH:

-I'm going to take a swing that there's a chicken in the Bible.

That's the first time anyone's ever said that!

So Al staying down, everyone else staying up.

Which of these is in the Bible?

Chicken, cow, camel and no cat -

everybody got a point!

Very well done.

Ain't no cats in the Bible!

Let's take a look at your next statement.

Nish, straight up. More chickens than people?

Cows, cats, camels?

Everyone seems

pretty sure of their answer...

Let's take a look.

Very well done again!

All four of you get the point.

APPLAUSE

Here is your last statement in this round.

Which of you is an answer to this?

So that word, or a plural of that word,

in the title of a UK No.1 single.

I'm going to gamble here.

Anneka, where are you going?

-I think I'm down on that one.

-Anneka says no cows...

Camel, Clara, are you up or down?

Ain't no camels at the No.1 spot.

-I don't think so.

-And Al...? You're going up, with cat.

Stray Cat Strut, Lovecats, something like that.

-Is everyone locked in?

-Yeah.

Let's take a look

at the right answers.

-NISH:

-Yes!

-Very well done, everybody.

Cat was Brian and Michael,

-Matchstalk Men And Matchstalk Cats And Dogs.

-Ah...

And chicken...

-NISH:

-Yeah.

-Spitting image, The Chicken Song.

-AL:

-Chicken Song, yeah, yeah.

-No.1 single.

Brilliantly played, I hope you played well at home as well.

Let's take a look at what that's done to the scores,

as we go into our final round.

Oh, it looks close - Nish, all by yourself in last place.

-Dead last!

-Anneka, third! That's pretty good.

Clara, 10 points,

Al Murray still with that two-point lead going into the final round.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's play our final round, it's always the same, and it is...

..Answer Smash.

And in this round, answers have smashed into each other.

So if you saw a picture of my face, and the question,

Which Shania Twain song has the lyrics

"Colour my hair, do what I dare"?

you would say Richard OsMAN! I Feel Like A Woman.

If you said Richard Osman and Man! I Feel Like A Woman,

I wouldn't give you the points,

cos you've got to run them in together. I'm very strict on that.

OK, these come in categories - our first

is Weather Presenters, so on each of these we're going to show you

a picture of a weather presenter and a clue -

you need to run the answers into each other, please.

A point for each correct answer - you lose a point

if you buzz and give me an incorrect answer.

What's the answer smash we're looking for here?

BUZZER

-Nish Kumar.

-Sian Lloyd Grossman.

Sian Lloyd Grossman, are you right?

You are indeed - Sian Lloyd Grossman.

APPLAUSE

You see how it works? Here's your next one.

BUZZER

-Anneka Rice on the buzzer...

-Agh!

Oh, she's gone too soon.

You lose a point. Anyone else?

BUZZER

Nish Kumar.

It's Michael Fishmael?

-Michael Fishmael.

-Yes.

-Oh...

Absolutely right.

Very good.

APPLAUSE Here's your next one.

This is one of those ones that everyone at home will know

the answer to one of these... Anyone know both?

-BUZZER

-I do.

-Al Murray.

Kill Bill Giles?

LAUGHTER

WRONG ANSWER BUZZER

It's not - it's a really good wrong answer.

-It's not Bill Giles, is it?

-It loses you a point, I'm afraid.

It's Ian McCaskill.

It's Ian McCaskill Bill.

-Oh!

-Let's look at your next category.

European Cities will be the pictures...

What are the answer smashes here?

BUZZER Clara Amfo.

Amsterdam...extrous.

Say again?

Amsterdamextrous?

WRONG ANSWER BUZZER I can't give it to you,

anybody else?

Nish Kumar.

Amsterdambidextrous.

-Amsterdambidextrous!

-Oh, come on!

-One syllable!

I'm so sorry.

Here's your next one.

What's the city and what's the answer?

BUZZER Al Murray.

-Berlinford Christie.

-Is it Berlinford Christie?

It's indeed. Very well played, Al Murray.

Get in!

APPLAUSE

Here's your next category.

World Leaders.

What are the pictures, and what are the clues?

-BUZZER Al Murray.

-Castronaut.

I will give you that - Fidel Castronaut is what we've got.

APPLAUSE Very well done.

Here's your next one.

BUZZER Nish Kumar.

Vladimir Putinker Bell.

NISH LAUGHS

Is that right...?

It is indeed, very well done.

APPLAUSE

KLAXON

That's a lovely note on which to leave the show,

Vladimir Putinker Bell. Very well done if you said that one.

So... We've reached the end of Monday's show -

who has won their choice of today's prizes

and who is ahead now in the race for this trophy

we're going to give away on Friday? Shall we take a look at the scores?

Our winner on Monday...

is Al Murray!

APPLAUSE

Well done, sir. 13 points.

Nish, you came second in the end,

that's a very strong finish, with Vladimir Putinker Bell

-and Amsterdambidextrous.

-Yeah, I mean, by such...

That was really unlucky, you lost a point there,

-you were so close.

-Stole it.

-Anneka...

-Yeah.

-6 points.

-It's OK.

-Still nothing right on the buzzer, but you did PRESS it..?

-Yeah.

Al Murray, you are today's winner -

which of our prizes are you going to choose to take home with you?

-I fancy the dressing gown.

-Yeah, I'd go for that.

You're going to take home the dressing gown?

-Yeah, why not?

-OK - congratulations, Al.

-Thank you.

Let's take a first look

at our weekly leaderboard...

Anneka just the one point from today, I'm afraid. Clara two points.

Nish, you just tucked in there in that last round to score three -

Al, you'll be taking through four points to tomorrow's show.

We'll see all of you tomorrow,

and we will see all of you tomorrow as well. Goodbye!

APPLAUSE

Winning.