Jade, the Cat Sexy Beasts

In a world where attraction is mostly based on looks,

what would happen if you had to rely solely on your personality?

Well, thanks to some fantastically freakish face work...

You look disgusting.

..we're going to find out.

It's terrifying.

Will true love blossom when what you see is definitely not what you get?

This is Sexy Beasts!

# I'm bring sexy back

# Yeah, ooh-ooh! #

'I have a little dog, a little Chihuahua, he's called Winston.

'He has a pirate costume. He has a magician.'

He hates being dressed up, but he's a small dog. He's got to.

# Love cats... #

Meet child carer worker and dog dominatrix Jade,

who knows exactly what she wants in a pet, and in a man.

'They've got to be taller than me but that's not hard,'

and I'm not exactly stick thin so I ask them to weigh more than me.

And maybe a sexy pirate costume, whether he likes it or not.

Three hours of make-up have turned Jade into a ginormous cat.

That's not her real face.

Time for her friend, Natalie, to take her first look.

Oh, my God!

-What do you think?

-Oh, God. It's weird.

You're a pussy.

And, there we are!

We got through a whole minute without saying that word.

Thank you, Natalie.

Jade's love life at the minute is a big fat fail.

Good. If it wasn't, this would be a massive waste of time.

Couldn't have put it any more clearer than that to be fair.

A big capital "F".

Fear not, Jade. Today, "F" stands for "fella",

and we have three of them who are all up for a bit of kitty.

Here's beast number one.

'With girls I tend to get on with them.

'When it starts getting serious I seem to just fade away'

and just move on.

'I'm making myself sound like I'm some sort of player.'

I'm not a player, but I, I...

a lot of people would say that...

I am a player.

Meet confused, swollen, blue-headed alien player, but-not-player,

John, a fitness student and pocket dancing dynamo from Brighton.

I've been, like, break dancing for six years.

It does impress some of the girls.

Once I did a head spin just on concrete.

Oh, we've all done it!

Actually, we haven't, because it's stupid, John!

I've got a thick set of hair, so just... just lost a little bit.

So he's possibly slightly bald, too. What a catch!

Tell us more, best friend, Harry.

-As long as he doesn't say anything stupid...

-Yeah.

..which is quite likely he will, then he'll do all right.

But the girl might think that being stupid's quite funny.

HE LAUGHS

Then again, she might not.

Let's leave John dancing in his own little world

while we meet our next beast, who's a real swine.

I do get good-looking girlfriends.

Even my family have said,

"I don't know how Chris gets all these gorgeous girls",

but I guess I'm just lucky.

# Do the pig. Do the pig... #

Meet computer technician, Chris.

Like many men, his ideal lady is a heady mix of fruit

and mindless killing.

Girls I prefer... kind of petite, friendly kind,

IQ higher than a grape

and if she loves Resident Evil I will marry her on the spot.

I tick all four of those boxes, but sadly I have a wife.

Shame, but best friend Barsha believes in him.

Oh, my God!

SHE LAUGHS

God, what are you? He doesn't look like Chris at all.

Really weird looking guy, no,

but his great personality would come over his piggy-piggy face.

Well, she's a "no... snout", sorry, as to Chris' dating powers,

but will he outdo our third and final Lothario?

I'm definitely a bum over boobs man, definitely.

I love like a nectarine, like an extra peachy bum.

I'm a fan of boobs, don't get me wrong.

Love seeing a nice pair of boobs at the end of the day.

Meet vampire lad, Mike.

He's recently single and facing a veritable boob drought.

I just lost my confidence a bit.

I've been speaking to girls and then I'll be like "er",

then have a little brain fart and I'll just be,

"Oh, all right, then. Ruined that!"

Better than an actual fart at the wrong time, Mike,

or worse still, a shart.

His massive friend, Ben, has every confidence in him, though.

What's going on?

Yes. It looks pretty like you normally look anyway, mate.

Yeah, but still better looking than you.

He'll cope. He'll just make the girl laugh, the way he does.

He'll smash it, definitely. His personality, his good looks.

-You've got to realise they can't see me, bro.

-I know.

My nose is flopping over my lip!

-Doesn't matter, it's just the way you are, trust me.

-Cheers, man.

You will. You'll smash it.

All right, Ben. He's here to date Jade not you, huh!

These are our ghastly guys,

but only one will be getting pussy... cat tonight.

Remember the masks don't come off until the dating is done,

so they're relying on personality alone.

Each beast gets a ten-minute speed date to impress Jade,

before one becomes the first bloke ever to be dumped by a cat,

outside of certain southern states of America.

# I'm bringing sexy back

# Yeah, ooh-ooh!

# You ready? #

There she is, on the prowl,

like a weird outtake from The Secret Life Of Cats.

First to say, "Hello, Kitty", it's space cadet John.

Are you all right?

-Yeah. I've got you some flowers.

-Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

-I'm Jade.

-I'm John. Nice to meet you.

Oh, yeah? That's my brother's and my dad's name.

-Awkward!

-So, why'd you buy me flowers?

Yeah, I grew them myself.

That's joking. I'm joking.

-Do you like cats?

-I love cats. OK.

Do you like aliens? Are you a fan of aliens or...?

-I can't say I am.

-No?

Yeah, I do a bit of dancing a well. Do you do anything like that?

I don't. Only when I'm drunk and it's terrible.

I should have really asked him what dance he could do because if he's

going to be a ballet dancer then that's a bit more feminine than what I am.

I can't wait to go travelling as well.

Good. You've been many places yet?

No. Where's the best place to go?

-Rome's a good one.

-Really?

Rome sounds good. It's quite romantic.

I think of like the boats that the couples go on,

like along the little rivers.

Yeah, well. I mean, that's Venice John, but you're close. Sort of.

So, one more question, just the last one - which one came first?

The chicken or the egg?

Oh, it's got to be the chicken. It's got to be the chicken.

Where did the chicken come from?

It's got to have come from an egg, hasn't it?

John's mind has just blown.

No, the chicken had to make the egg.

I think I'm going to go with the egg.

I'd normally for egg.

I think it was the nerves made me say chicken.

It's just the easier option.

OK!

I think we had a lot of common ground, to be fair.

It was, it was a really good date.

Overall, a good speed date there for mini-mind.

Next in, it's Count Mikula-ha-ha!

Oh, my... Oh, my God!

I didn't even notice you there.

Yes, Mike, we'd all have just walked past the massive cat in the bar.

-Sorry, what's your name?

-My name's Jade.

-Nice to meet you. Mike.

-I can't believe you nearly walked past me.

-I know, I'm sorry.

I was looking for a normal person

and then just seeing you dressed up as a cat, I was like,

"Yes! Selling!" You know what I mean? I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God! He put me at ease right away.

He was, he was in your face but he was a good in your face.

He was so confident.

He was... That was a fresh of breath air, yeah.

And who doesn't love a fresh of breath air?

So, can I feel your ear cos that looks like...?

Don't feel it.

I tell you what, have a honk on my nose.

Nice.

Do you know what I mean? Honk if you're horny, baby.

She honked at the end of the day.

I all I needed was a honk, and it's game on.

So, is that your real hair?

Erm, well, my Miyagi piece is real.

-I was hoping that was real, yeah.

-The rest is fake, I'm sorry.

I'm so digging that you can plait it and everything.

I know, I thought... do you know what I mean? Just natural.

-That's what I want to be to you.

-No, there's a nice little curl to it.

I do get the GHDs on it every so often.

Is this doing it for you? Yeah?

I'm like Ron Jeremy, but then I'm the vampire version.

-Do you know who he is?

-No.

He is a man, mate, honestly.

Ron Jeremy, I have no idea who it is.

This is a public service announcement for anyone like Jade

who doesn't know that this is Ron Jeremy.

He's a 61-year-old porn star, also known as The Hedgehog.

I won't go into details.

As you can see, he's the spitting image of Mike

and they both clearly have the horn.

Ron Jeremy is one of my favourite actors.

Just leave it at that.

Probably wise. So, what did Jade think?

I spent more time with my head rolled back bloody giggling.

I'm intrigued in what he looks like. See if he goes with the...

the boyish personality.

I'm glad I made her laugh and she didn't just steak and kidney pie me

straight in the face.

Oo-oh! Has vampire Ron Jeremy got our kitten smitten?

Or will he be out-romanced by a pig?

Wow! So, I'm Jade.

-I'm Chris. Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

I was hoping you were a wolf

so I could say you could blow my house down,

but it's OK, you can curl up in my lap and purr.

SHE GIGGLES

Bit of a cringe moment for me because I'm a big girl,

he's a small guy.

For me to try and curl up in his lap would be a big disaster.

Oh, not the best of starts. Make it less weird, Chris.

-Oddly enough, you look like my cat, Kilo.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

No, that's more weird.

What hobbies do you like?

The gym and drinking and... in moderation, obviously.

I can never understand the people who go out

and get hammered every single night.

I wouldn't object to it, it's just the hangovers.

I got that out of my system when I was younger.

-Oh, God, you do sound like an old man, don't you?

-Oh, thanks!

This might have gone better if he'd just behaved like an actual pig

and snuffled in his own faeces for ten minutes.

If you enlarge any part of your body, what would you choose and why?

That would be my brain.

Your brain? Oh! I didn't even think about that one.

He did impress me because it's not an answer you'd expect from a guy.

That's more like it!

I can't really stand those people who talk online,

who don't really know anything

and I'm just like, "I want to beat you to death with a dictionary."

-And that's terrible.

-I think that went quite well, to be honest.

Really?

Conversation lacked a bit of flowing, but I think we got there in the end.

We found some common ground somewhere.

So with that slightly murder-y end, the speed dates are done.

Time to get your claws out, Jade!

You all right, guys?

Our cat has courted an immortal Welshman,

the future innards of a sausage, and a dancing space smurf.

But one of them is about to be dumped in love's litter tray.

Will Mike's beard be the only thing that gets a stroking tonight?

Is the piggy in the middle Chris about to go,

"Wee, wee, wee, wee all the way home?"

Or will John be sailing solo along the romantic canals of...

well, Rome?

Over to you, love cat!

Thank you for three really good dates. It's been an experience.

Right. Mike we had a ball. We had a lot in common.

-You made me giggle so much.

-Yeah.

-It was a really good laugh

but I think, maybe you might be a bit full-on at some point.

Fair enough, fair enough.

You all right, Chris.

Well, I think your morals are all right, it's really good,

but then I also think that you're actually quite old for your age,

-so I think that might be your downfall.

-I understand that.

John, we had lots in common. We had so much to talk about.

Your downfall, I think you is quite naive.

You've still got quite a lot to experience and everything.

Yeah, definitely.

So the beast that I'm binning is...

I'm sorry but it's Chris.

And pulled pork is off the menu!

-I'm sorry.

-That's fine. I enjoyed our date, it was nice to meet you.

-Oh, thank you. Sorry.

-That's fine.

-It's not fine.

-Well done.

I'm not that bothered about being the first out, to be honest.

I wasn't really feeling it.

At the end of the day I just think it's her loss

because I'm quite a catch.

So Chris seems confident that Jade has made the wrong decision.

But before he flounces back to the farm, it's time to reveal

if this pig is really a babe.

OMGoth!

# Here I go again on my own

-# Going down the only road...

-#

This little piggy's off to a mosh pit.

Now, for everyone else to see what the pig was packing.

Bloody hell. That has surprised me.

You hid that very well.

-You've got so much hair, it's crazy.

-I'm very, very proud of my hair.

Sick trousers, sick vest, mate. I like it. It's cool.

You pulled it off really well, fair play to you. Fair play.

Thanks. I do try.

Wow. That is all I have to say. Nothing like I expected him at all.

I don't regret binning him, simply because, personality wise,

we just didn't click, but I was surprisingly impressed.

So, where are we at?

Jade has kept not so mega mind and dracu-lad and will now go

out on a proper date with them, before choosing her sexy beast.

The game is on!

There's nothing more guaranteed to make a cat go weak at the knees

than being serenaded by a little blue man playing the bagpipes.

At least that's what John's hoping.

Yes, the alien and the cat are about to make sweet music

together in Glasgow.

Thank you. So, do you know what this is?

Yeah, but I've forgotten what it's called.

You've forgotten what it's called? OK. Well, this is a bagpipe.

-Would you like to try?

-Yeah.

You just blow into that. You need to blow really hard.

OK, keep blowing and then bring this hand down here.

OK, are you ready to pass out yet?

Er, how's anyone going to know if he's gone blue in the face?

Yeah, OK. Thanks.

I sort of felt like I was going to pass out,

but I think I played the bagpipe quite well,

so I think I impressed her with my little grooviness.

Right, yeah. There we are.

Good. OK, that's not bad. That's not bad.

It is bad.

Excellent.

My usual dates are nothing like what's just happened.

Bagpipe playing, where do people find that?

Scotland love, Scotland! Now forget rap and forget break dancing.

All the cool cats these days are into bagpipe battles.

Sit back and enjoy, Britain!

You can't beat that. Let's see what you got.

I think they're getting the hang of it now.

Look, you're killing my culture. You're shaming my nation!

Stop, for the love of God! Stop! Please stop!

I'll pay you to stop!

As awesome as I think I am, I don't think it's my forte.

It's a lot harder than it looks and I'm quite competitive,

so for me to actually suck at it, it was kind of a bit bad.

Best thing about that experience was seeing someone in a kilt.

I like kilts. I like the pattern but I've forgotten

what the pattern's called.

A touching knowledge of Scottish history and culture from John.

With that blue face, he's practically Braveheart,

so he should really enjoy some whisky tasting.

Have you tried whisky before?

I love whisky.

Ah, whisky, the nectar and lifeblood of my ancestors.

Best sipped and savoured slowly and lovingly.

-Yeah or that.

-That's nice.

I was expecting to swish it around my mouth,

give it a good smell and apparently not.

-That is very strong.

-Bottoms up. All of it this time.

-No.

-All of it, come on.

You feel it, like, everywhere.

Have some water, you'll be fine.

I did get a bit excited, cos it was something

I felt a bit more comfortable with.

Like with the bagpiping, I've never done it before

but the drinking I have definitely done before.

Well, they do say that eight out of ten cats prefer whisky.

Not sure about aliens though.

-I feel a bit queasy.

-Do you feel bad?

-No, I'm fine. Yeah.

-You look a bit...

A bit hot.

Well, that date pretty much trampled all over my cultural heritage.

But how was it for you, beasts?

Personality wise, I do think John is one guy that I would go for

because I do think we have got a lot in common still.

We haven't had deep conversations and gone into it

but it's only a first date,

so I do think he is kind of like the guy I would go for, personality.

I've been myself, I've done my best, so hopefully I'll be picked.

There's no man alive that can stop you winning, John.

Unfortunately, date number two is an undead vampire.

Yes. What's happening, son?

Yes, our frisky feline is already onto the next one.

Jade and the vamp have come to World Of Wings, a bird of prey sanctuary.

-Hello.

-Hi.

No, it's not lunch time for Jade, but a romantic encounter that will

involve catching and feeding a Harris hawk called Lockie.

Have you ever flown a bird of prey before?

I can't say I have, no.

I'm sure everything will be fine.

So I'm just going to pop him off the now.

I'm into all sorts of birds. Let's go.

Delicious chicken foot ready, stand-by for swooping hawk action.

Give it a bit of a wave, Jade.

-You think so?

-Any time now.

Lockie! Lockie!

Any time.

Lockie! He's not having none of it.

Do you know, it's almost like seeing a human sized version

of its most dangerous predator, has scared the bejesus out of Lockie.

Lockie!

I still think you look like a Satan more than a vampire.

-Ron Jeremy?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, but if you'd seen Ron Jeremy...

-Then I'd understand?

-You don't know who he is, do you?

-No, I have no idea at all.

-Locko!

-Lockie!

-Got any barbecue sauce? Chicken?

Just literally just chuck it in the air and hope for the best.

I'm sure I heard Packham say that on Springwatch once.

Mike has definitely made it a hell of a lot more fun for me.

I don't know why, he just keeps making me giggle.

I think Jade's really sound. Yeah, no she's really cool.

It's not awkward.

I thought I'd be here today and it'd be a bit like...

But no, no, she seems really, really nice.

Who says standing in a field holding a severed chicken

foot can't be romantic?

-He's done.

-Lockie!

Despite having lost Lockie,

our beasts are somehow allowed to handle an enormous eagle.

Them claws could do some damage.

Oh, oh, oh bird in your arm, pubes in your mouth. No, I can't.

-I don't think he likes me behind him.

-And a little kestrel!

No, they just don't like you, do they?

Unfortunately, it would seem that all birds are scared of big cats.

Hold your hand out.

He pecked my... I'm going to cry.

Look, maybe it's best to forget all about the birds

and have a nice cup of tea/Irn-Bru.

Oh, my God, I can't believe that as a first date.

So, who is this Jeremy Ron spiel thing?

-No, Ron Jeremy.

-That's the one.

He's very famous. I can't believe you don't know who he is.

Maybe I just know his face. I don't know his name.

You'd probably know his face, yeah, that's probably what it is, 100%.

-OK.

-Are you intrigued now, to like know who he is?

-I am.

I am because you're saying you look like him and I think...

No, I don't, I don't look like him, like under this like.

-No!

-I think it's just the hair.

-Oh, is it?

-Like, yeah...

So it's not that he's got a big like honk or pointy ears?

Oh, no, he's, he's got a honker.

I haven't seen a good Ron Jeremy film in a while

though actually, to be fair.

Do you think I would know any of the movies that he might have been in?

-Womb Raider?

-Did you say Womb Raider?

No, Tomb Raider. Tomb...

Womb Raider! Obviously not like...

I think it was like a horror film or something.

Yeah, no, it's, it's quite graphic really.

-In Diana Jones?

-Huh?

-In Diana Jones?

-Indiana?

No, In Diana Jones.

I think you're naming pornos or something here, aren't you?

No. You've heard about Indiana Jones?

That's what I said and then you said, "In Diana Jones."

-Raiders of the Lost Arse?

-Shove off now.

-What?!

-Oh, my God.

I can't believe you never seen any of those blockbusters.

You're making me hot now.

That's always good. No, no, I'm only joking.

Sorry, Jade. Can you put up with me or am I annoying?

Well, I don't know how to take you. It's good, it's different.

How's the cuppa?

So does Mike have any regrets about choosing naughty

films as his main topic of conversation?

-I missed out Schindler's Fist.

-Right.

I'm scared of what Google might possibly bring up

and I don't think the history on my internet browser will be too good.

I think she'd really enjoy the feature length films that are,

that are available to her, courtesy of Ron.

Overall with what we've done, the company, the conversations,

it's been really good. Really top date.

Incredibly, losing a bird of prey

and talking porn over afternoon tea has proved to be a successful date.

Well, then, it's decision time for Jade.

What's new, pussy cat?

I have had a blast with both of them. They're really good guys.

It's not 100% made up in my mind now.

Who will be Jade's sexy beast? Will it be John?

After all that whisky, who knows if Jade can even remember the date?

But almost passing out playing the bagpipes for your woman

deserves top marks.

Or will it be Mike? Together they lost a hawk...

-Lockie!

-It's still out there somewhere.

But has Jade been sent flying by Mike's love for

porn pensioner, Ron Jeremy?

Once we have a winner, the masks are coming off.

-You all right, blokes?

-Hello.

-You feeling all right?

-Yeah, you good?

-Right.

I want to thank you both for two fantastic dates.

I have really had a blast with you both.

Mike, we had a giggle so much.

The conversations were so easy, they were so flowing, you made me

feel really comfortable.

One thing I am going to say is that you might not be so outgoing

-when the mask comes off.

-Oh, fair play.

-OK?

John, you're sweet, your willingness to try and keep up with me was...

I'll give you Brownie points for that, you gave it a good go.

The only bad things I'm going to say is I still think you're quite

naive and you're quite reserved and that kind of worries me,

that you're quite shy and everything.

Yeah, that's a fair point.

I did try and keep up with you with the shots,

but they were quite large.

John or Mike?

Mini-mind or mega honk?

I'm talking quietly because this is the important bit.

So my sexy beast is...

-It's Mike. I'm sorry, John.

-Huge!

Genuine delight from the filthy vampire there, I think.

-Well done, mate.

-Cheers very much, thank you.

I'm a little bit gutted that I didn't get picked

but I had a great time.

If she's not what I thought she'd look like, she's going to get pie'd.

I'm only joking, that was a massive joke, obviously not.

Yeah, it was a joke, yeah.

We'll find out what our kitty cat really looks like very soon.

But first, we must meet the real John.

Three hours in make-up transformed him into a blue egg-headed alien,

but this is what he looks like when you lobotomise that huge brain.

# Tell me how am I supposed to live without you? #

Oh! He's super cute!

Oh, it was a fake head, thank goodness.

And you can't see where he rubbed his hair off with some concrete.

Now for Jade to find out if she's made a mistake.

And although John gets to feast his eyes on the fem

beneath the feline, we must wait a little while longer to see her.

-Whoa, that's crazy.

-Not what I expected.

-Really?

-Wow, you've got a lovely smile.

-Thanks.

It goes nice with the eyes.

Yeah, what you... That's crazy, different. It makes you look. Whoa.

I thought you'd look older but you actually you look younger.

I am quite young still remember, you make me feel old.

So, John, final words? Make them count!

What have you learnt from this experience?

-I don't know.

-Brilliant. Moving on.

World-class make-up skills transformed Mike into vampire

Ron Jeremy, apparently.

Let's reveal the lad behind the latex.

He looks about 300 years younger. What a handsome chap!

But will Jade think so?

This is the Jade we all know - furry face, hairy chest, moist nose,

but this is what the pussy cat girl really looks like.

# What's new pussy cat?

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

# What's new pussy cat?

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... #

It's like a Yam Yam Katy Perry.

It's Katy Purry and with no facial hair whatsoever.

That is a relief!

Let's hope Mike likes his ladies without whiskers.

The moment of truth is upon us.

How will they react when the curtain drops?

Oh, my God, hiya. You all right?

-You're nothing like I expected.

-At all?

You've had a haircut as well.

-Oh, my God. I thought you'd have blonde hair.

-Did you really?

Yeah, you've got blue eyes.

She's really pretty, to be fair

and it wasn't that awkward, to be honest.

She's got a hell of a shape on her. She's got a peach, like.

Princess Peach.

He was a lot better looking than what I thought

he was going to be cos he had such a loud personality,

I thought he might have some making up to do.

Well, well. It would seem that Jade picked the right guy for her

and he seems pretty happy about it too.

So, is it love?

It's been a traditional courtship of porn and scaring scary birds,

but if there is a romantic future in Jake,

ha-ha, they must reunite here over a bottle of bubbly.

To declare unwavering love, all they have to do is turn up.

# And I hope that you would be the one... #

And Mike's there! Although he's looking worried.

If she don't come, I swear to God, mate, I'll be gutted.

I'm going to get ripped big time.

Oh, dear, that does sound painful. Be gentle, Mike's friends.

# Found the words I need to say... #

Unless...

Jade's here! Yay!

Oh, my God, thank God for that.

Of course she is, there's free booze on offer.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-At least we both turned up.

-Exactly.

This is so emotional. It's just like the real Scott and Charlene.

Ask your mum and dad.

Jade found a guy that she really quite likes. A funny,

Welsh bum-loving vampire called Mike.

So this time our fairy tale ended quite happily.

Perhaps they'll celebrate in the style of Ron Jeremy.

There's just one last thing that we need to know.

Where the hell did that bloody bird go?

# Take these broken wings... #

Lockie!

# And learn to fly again

# Learn to live so free

# When we hear the voices sing

# The book of love will open up and let us in

# Take these broken wings... #