Latoya, the Robot Sexy Beasts

In a world where attraction's mostly based on looks,

what would happen if you had to rely solely on your personality?

Well, thanks to some magnificently monstrous masks...

You look disgusting!

..we're going to find out!

Will true love blossom when what you see is definitely not what you get?

This is Sexy Beasts!

I'd describe my love life as pretty bleak.

One and a half boyfriends.com. I'm very date deprived, yeah.

Meet fashion stylist Latoya from London.

So, Latoya, this is the bit where you sell yourself to the nation.

What do we need to know?

I'd describe my own personality as a mad woman on the loose.com.

But in a very, very good way.

Is there a good way?

So what does our escaped lunatic look for in a man?

Erm...the kind of guy that I would look for

would have to have an element of a madman in him, of course.

Of course!

At the moment I'm going through a Camden phase,

but I would not say no to Canary Wharf either.

Clean, clean, clean.

I have no idea what that means.com.

So what will best friend Kenesha think

when she sees Larobot for the first time?

Oh, my God!

You look a little bit scary, but I like it, yeah.

She's a lovely girl, so whoever gets her, they...they'll be, like,

-the luckiest man ever.

-Aww!

-Yeah, the luckiest guy ever.

Well, we have three beasts all hoping to be that luckiest guy ever.

Shall we meet them? Yes, let's.

I've been single for about three years

but now I'm making more of a conscious decision maybe

to try and find somebody. Getting a bit older.

# What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster?

# Is it a monster? #

This ogre is Judd from Bath, via South Africa.

He's a professional tennis player with a Grand Slam of a nickname.

My nickname is Juddasmic.

That's right, "Juddasmic".

It's "orgasmic" and "Judd" combined.

Yeah, I don't like telling people that.

Really? Oh, well,

the Juddasmic cat's out of the bag now.

I ended up being a tennis player,

because my mother had a crush on a few tennis players

and she kind of said that, you know, "The cool guys play tennis."

I picked it up from a young age and just fell in love.

So he's in love with tennis, because his mum fancied Bjorn Borg.

I wonder what Judd's friend, dreamy Joe, thinks of his new look.

-All right?

-Touch it, touch it.

CAR HORN BEEPS

So, Joe, you're one of Judd's closest friends.

Tell us about this "Juddasmic" thing.

Ju... what? Juddasmic? Did you describe yourself as that?

No, no, that's...that's my nickname.

-HE WHISTLES Yeah, well...

-Since when?

Well, that's Juddarrassing.

-"Orgasmic" and "Judd".

-Oh.

-I didn't choose it, dude, it happened.

-I hope you didn't.

-Yeah. Juddasmic!

Will Juddasmic ace it tonight? Time will tell.

But let's meet our next beast who's already got wood.

I'm incredibly good looking, yeah.

Yeah, my looks are fairly important to me.

I don't go wild about them,

but, yeah, I like to look good when I can.

# Baby, baby, you know it's true

# I'm a puppet just for you... #

Meet Martin,

an incredibly good-looking electrician from Yorkshire

who's going all out to find the perfect girl or just any girl.

# Baby, pull my string... #

I've just recently joined Tinder about two weeks ago.

On the way up here, I might've swiped right

to about 400 to 500 girls just out of boredom.

I like to keep my finger in a few different pies.

So he's attempted to finger 400 to 500 pies on one train journey.

And how many pies replied?

I got one accept. I got one match.

Ha! Rubbish.

# Pull the string and I'll wink at you... #

Here's friend Ryan to tell us about

Martin's remarkable pulling technique.

Mate, it's actually an improvement. He's not short of confidence.

Yeah. I've got a little bit of a bad habit of proposing when I'm out.

What?!

The last time we were out in Durham,

I don't know if the mood were holding me, and I just thought, "marriage."

I got down on one knee and the only thing I had was a condom,

so I proposed with a condom and we didn't consummate, but it was...

it was still well received.

He acts like it wasn't premeditated but it was in a ring box,

so it's not just something that had happened by accident.

So will Latoya be going home with a condom on her finger tonight?

We'll have to wait and see! But, now, let's meet our final beast.

Yeah, I like to think of myself as a bit of a pretty boy.

I get looks in the street and stuff like that, which,

you know, is possibly my appearance.

But, yeah, I do like to think I'm quite popular with the girls.

This is Simon from Lincoln, a mutant toad man electrician.

Yes, two electricians are dating a robot.

Handy! This one has superhero ambitions.

I did suggest that I'd love to do something like the Hulk, yeah,

so I'm not far off, I don't think.

No-one give him a mirror. Now, let's talk about relationships.

I'm not actively looking for a relationship at the moment.

You won't find it if you keep looking for it.

I think love is something that'll find you.

You do know you've applied to take part in a dating show?

I think he's in denial.

So what are Mr Toad's pulling techniques?

How is he going to win over our girl, Latoya?

I'm going to make sure I win her over with my personality and charm.

Good idea. Let's ask friend Liam if you've got any of either.

-How you doing, man?

-I'm doing good.

Toad boy. I think he'll do all right on a date.

He knows how to talk to people -

he's friendly, he's funny, so these other lads haven't got a chance.

Don't worry about that.

So we have a toad, an ogre, and a wooden boy.

Each freaky fella has a ten-minute speed date to impress Latoya,

before she guns one of them down with her hypersonic love beam!

The masks stay on until the dates are done,

so it's personalities a go go!

First to woo She-3PO is Martin.

I'm Martin. Nice to meet you.

Oh, and he's clutching a brown paper bag.

Oh, it's a bribe or something from the top shelf?

-I've got you a gift.

-OK.

-A little icebreaker.

Interesting.

Yes, Martin has gifted a photo of himself in the nude.

I thought I'd just show you my cheeky side a little bit.

-The...

-OK.

Latoya now knows what Martin's bum looks like

before she's seen his face.

If you were a rapper, what would your rap name be and why?

Oh...

Tiny Timber? Snoop Loggy Log?

2x4Pac Shakur. RIP.

You know, I can't go for Vanilla Ice,

-but I'll go for Vanilla Cheeks.

-Oh, OK.

Yeah, you've got a bit of wit, fair enough.

Ask me your fire-away question.

I need fire, heat!

-If you were a stripper...

-Yes.

..what would your stripper name be and your go-to move?

-You wanted heat! Let's turn it up!

-Whoo!

-Noisy T?

-Noisy T.

My stripper move, it would just have to be the robot, I'm sorry.

-That would get me going.

-Would it?

-That would. That would get me hot.

I spy a little bit of flirting. This is going well!

Are you supposed to be like an alien, like a race alien?

Erm, what's she doing?

-Boring.

-This is...

Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring.

I really have no idea what's going on right now.

-Goodbye.

-That's...

-Goodbye.

I'm finding this quite painful.

We are, too, Martin.

This is officially the cringiest date in Sexy Beasts' history.

Erm, yeah, first free date with Latoya.

Hopefully the last.

'Yeah, I think she was odd, we'll say. She was just odd.'

Hard to argue with that.

Latoya, what the hell was that all about?

I don't even know what I'm doing, if I'm being quite honest with you.

There's no way that I'm going to make things easy for the guy.

It's not a joke to be my partner,

so they need to know that from the get-go.

Well, that was awful.

Judd's in next.

Word of advice, Judd -

Juddazzle like you've never Juddazzled before.

Let's get to the nitty-gritty, shall we?

Sure, yeah.

Disney movie, favourite one, straight up.

Ooh, that's a tough one. On the spot?

Probably Beauty And The Beast?

Interesting stuff, given the occasion.

THEY CHUCKLE

-It is.

-Nice one, I like you. Witty. Ha-ha.

Yeah.

30 seconds in and Judd's already been interesting and witty.

Juddasmic dating!

Ask me your one magic, golden question, if you will.

Do you cook well?

Ugh! Mayday, Mayday!

-Yes, I do, darling. I cook...

-You cook well? What do you cook?

..incredibly well.

Ooh, well, this is going very well!

The shoes, say something about them.

-Well, they're very...they're very airy.

-Cool. Stop.

Uh-oh...

Undo your second button.

I...I'm not going to do that. I feel more comfortable like this, yeah.

Oh, no!

Oh.

Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring.

Are you calling me boring? That's not nice.

No, sorry, I've changed my mind -

THIS is the cringiest date in Sexy Beasts' history.

That...that is by far the worst date I've ever had.

I can say that hands down, yeah.

And, oh, I'd be super happy if she binned me.

Absolutely no problem. I don't think I want to win that.

I... that, that's not what I'm here for.

Overall, yeah, I would say thumbs up for the date with Judd.

So things are looking good for Judd, which is bad for Judd.

It's confusing. I almost feel guilty sending Simon in now.

Good luck, Mr Toad!

-What's your name?

-My name's Latoya.

-My name's Simon.

What would you like to ask me?

For frog's sake, be interesting.

Um, well, I'd like to know where you're from, first of all.

Oh, no. Boring?

-I'm from London.

-From London?

-Yeah.

Ooh!

And, er, how, how old are you?

Never ask a lady that, you idiot!

I'm 23.

Or not.

What kind of hobbies are you into? What do you do in your spare time?

Definitely boring!

Er, I'm very heavily into fashion.

-Do you...?

-Designing and styling.

-Very good.

OK, now I'm really confused.

She's completely enthralled by his insipid questioning!

I brought a present for you, if you'd like to open it.

Thank you very much.

Simon has gifted some face paint. Some face paint.

Once we've taken these masks off, if either of us decide

we think we look better with the masks back on,

take it back on for us.

Thank you very much. Can I hug you for that?

I really liked that one, thank you.

Wow!

I felt more comfortable with Simon. He was, like, smooth.

Like, he had some kind of style to him.

So, yeah, man, big ups to Simon.

This is going a lot better than I expected, I won't lie.

-So I've got a lovely cat.

-A cat?

He's my best friend, my cat.

Long fur, called Matrix. Big grey and black cat.

-I'm in love with Matrix.

-Everyone loves Matrix.

So nudity and pro tennis players are boring

but talking about your cat isn't.

I mean, women are hard work, aren't they?

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

She seemed a nice girl.

A bit too early to say whether I could like her but, yeah,

we seem to get on OK and we had a nice bit of conversation.

OK.

Well, I think we've all found out why Latoya is single,

apart from Simon.

Dare we give her the power to bin a beast?

Well, we have to. It's a really important format point. Let's go!

Our solo cyborg has dated/tormented a puzzled puppet,

an angry ogre, and an utterly oblivious amphibian.

Hi, guys.

And one is about to be dumped/given the best news they've had all day.

Will Judd be playing singles for ever?

Will Martin have to rely on that one reply he got on Tinder?

Or will Simon meet Latoya's robotic dark side?

It's time for the robo-chop!

It was very nice to meet all of you

and apologies if I made any of you feel uncomfortable.

If?!

I just wanted to sort of suss. So, Judd...

-Hi.

-You were very witty.

Maybe we didn't connect as much as I would've liked us to, so...

thank you, Judd.

-Hi, Simon!

-Hiya.

Hi. I am totally in love with Matrix.

-Wait until you get to see him.

-SHE LAUGHS

What maybe I didn't like about our date is the fact that maybe

you could've been a bit more creative with the questions you asked me?

OK, yeah. I was just starting off with the basics, you know?

OK. And hi, Martin!

-Hi.

-Hi.

You were very jolly and happy-go-lucky from the get-go

so that was really nice energy to have.

What I didn't like was maybe you revealed everything straightaway,

but thank you very much.

Latoya, in conclusion of our date, I'm prepared to pay

or give you any organ you'd like to not go on another date.

Oh, wow! That is interesting.

Shocking scenes, but also perfectly understandable.

Thank you very much, guys.

I have made my decision and the beast that I am binning is...

We're still reeling here at Sexy Beasts HQ.

Never in the history of beastly dating has anyone actually

begged to be binned.

..Judd.

What?!

That's great, thank you.

Juddasmic is Juddumped!

Well done.

He seems fine. Martin, however...

Well, let's take a look at that again!

Judd.

Even the mask cannot hide his utter devastation!

He will be going on another date with Latoya.

After Martin made the comment, a part of me did want to just bin him

there and then, but there was a part of me that was really,

really liked the feistiness and I was like, "Yes, boy, get in there."

So how does Judd feel about losing in such humiliating circumstances?

Oh, I'm super happy.

Yeah, it couldn't have been a better outcome, to be honest.

So Judd leaves us having found love.

Unfortunately, in tennis terms, love means absolutely nothing.

Let's rip his face off and see if the ogre is worth ogling.

# I am the man who will fight for your honour... #

Ooh! Game, set and handsome! Judd is a stud!

Look at his movie star chin,

and he's finally unbuttoned his shirt for Latoya as well.

Has she made a monumental mistake?

Time for everyone else to see the dish she dumped.

SHE LAUGHS

Hi.

Hi.

You're very good-looking. Your voice sounds that much more sexier now.

He is definitely like Prince Charming

and I don't think I'm his princess.

Yeah, quite a handsome looking chap. The one that got away.

The one that got away.

By the skin of your teeth.

Happy with my decision but I would like to keep his voice

and put it in my pocket. Yeah.

So with Judd's voice bound and gagged in her pocket,

Latoya has two more dates to enjoy before choosing her sexy beast.

First up is Martin the marionette.

And it's just what Martin was hoping for - a date in a small, enclosed

space with the woman he dislikes more than life without vital organs.

Oh.

-So we're back.

-Yeah.

How are you feeling about this, Martin?

Yeah, to come through to the second day is quite a shock.

I really didn't expect it.

The Brighton Wheel - the go-to attraction for awkward dates.

Look, there are even rules for Martin - no kicking,

no punching, and no getting your little wooden fella out.

Well, I probably should start by saying my comment at the pick

was a little bit out of character, probably. I don't usually...

-No problem.

-But I just thought the first date was a bit weird.

-But I'm glad we passed it and we...

-Yeah. Definitely.

..and it's all gone full circle.

No pun intended.

He's on it. What is it you do?

-I'm a fashion stylist.

-Yeah?

-Freelance fashion stylist.

-And what do you do?

-Nice. I'm an electrician.

-Really? That's so cool.

-Yeah, yeah.

I might have a few pipes for you to fix.

Pipes?

That sounds just wrong cos I'm an electrician, I don't look at pipes.

Well, you're going to have to educate me on the job.

Hang on, what's happening here? They're having a nice, normal date.

This is weird!

My usual party piece when I go out is I'll quite often propose.

OK.

-As like more of a joke.

-Yep.

We were out the other week

and I might have proposed to a girl with a condom.

OK. Well, yeah, I definitely haven't heard that one before.

So you've never been proposed to with a condom, then?

-No, I haven't.

-That's...

-Not yet.

Oh, no, Martin, you're not going to!

HE LAUGHS

No, he's not.

I wish I'd planned that. I wish I had one on me so I could propose.

Oh my... Why didn't you bring one?

Yeah, I tend not to carry condoms everywhere,

which is probably why I've got 13 children in 14 countries.

Maths not your strong point?

I would have said yes.

She'd marry him?!

So, having proved it's a very fine line between love and hate,

our flirting freaks have found a quiet spot to eat out,

sampling the fishy delights of ...

fish.

I was dreading going for this date and it's been so much better.

-Really?

-Yeah, I didn't expect it to be, like, that bad.

-Yeah.

But I thought it'd be uncomfortable a bit.

I feel comfortable as well so I think it's been fun.

This is all going very well, isn't it? Oh! Steady, lady!

Do you still think I'm boring?

-No.

-No? That's cool. I'll cheers you with a chip.

Cheers.

So no crazy robot lady at all this time?

So I didn't bring the crazy robot lady to the date today

cos I didn't feel like I needed her for...

Everything was running smoothly, conversation was running well.

He's a really, really nice guy and I feel good about it.

Ooh! Do we have the world's most unlikely romance on our hands?

Martin?

I have absolutely no interest in seeing her again

unless she's in excruciating pain.

I think that's a no. Never mind, Latoya-tron.

You've got one more chance for love.

He's green, he's warty, and he's waiting for you

on a lily pad in the beautiful British countryside.

Yes, Latoya-bot and Toady Simon have come to feed the ducks,

and somehow Latoya seems to know all of their names.

Come on, Ophelia! Come on, Anthony!

There you go, Shaconda.

So how's your dating experiences gone so far? Have you...?

PEACOCK SCREECHES

Jesus Christ.

This guy's getting jealous. He's getting jealous.

She is a bit of a diva.

Hmm, she's not the only diva in this nature reserve.

What kind of nickname would you come up with for me?

I don't know. You're kind of giving me the whole Simonequa vibe.

Simonequa?

Simonequa, there we go.

-High-five to that.

-Simonequa.

Yeah, I don't think I'll be sticking with the Simonequa nickname

but she seems to be giving everything nicknames

at the moment so I'll just go along with it.

So what does Latoya-nequa think?

I wouldn't mind if he sort of, you know,

broke out into a little break-dance or something.

Um, but, yeah, he's a nice guy. Very cool.

Chillaxed.

Things are looking promising. Shall we ramp up the romance?

Who hasn't fallen in love whilst riding a miniature railway?

All aboard the love train!

Shall we sing a song?

No.

-What song are you going to sing?

-I think an old school garage song.

Definitely not.

# My baby takes the morning train

# He works from nine to five... #

Aww, this is nice. I like trains.

# To find me waiting for him. #

JUDDERING

My goodness me. I think we've de-railed.

We've de-railed off the track.

Holy moley! An actual live disaster, right here on Sexy Beasts!

-Do you want a hand there, chap? I'll help ya.

-Go on, strong man.

Where do we need it lifted?

-Lift the whole frame up.

-The whole frame up?

# And then a hero comes along... #

Valiant scenes of superhuman strength as Simon lifts up

the entire train with his bare hands.

Yep, lovely.

We're on.

And what was his childhood dream again?

I would love to be something like The Hulk, yeah.

-ECHOING:

-..the Hulk, yeah... the Hulk, yeah...

GROWLING

Sometimes, friends, sometimes...

dreams really do come true.

Could it be true love?

The whole experience has been brilliant.

I'd give it a ten out of ten.

Overall, for Simon...

boring. Boring.

Oh. Didn't see that one coming.

So who will be Latoya's sexy beast?

Will it be Martin?

He got a second date despite offering to

disembowel himself to avoid it.

Together they ate fish and it almost ended in marriage.

Or will it be Simon? He lifted up a train for her.

She gave him a girl's name but she did find him boring.

Once we have a winner the masks are coming off.

It's over to you, R2She2!

Hello, gents. Lovely to see you both again.

I enjoyed both of my dates.

So I'm going to start with Simonequa.

She's talking about Simon.

I feel like you're a very down to earth guy, you're very humble,

very grounded, so that's nice to know.

But felt you didn't come out of your shell as much as you could've.

Yeah, that's a fair enough comment, yeah.

It's a bit awkward in this situation, as you can imagine,

-but, yeah.

-Thank you very much.

Martin, the things that I liked about the date with you

is the fact that you had really good banter.

What I didn't like is the comment to do with you proposing with a condom.

Latoya, I thought our second date went a lot better than the first

but still, please don't confuse my politeness with actually liking you.

I'd still rather have a cyst the size of a football than ever see you again.

Another very detailed insult from Martin

but he's tried this tactic before and it back-fired.

That's excellent to know. Thank you very much for that. Perfect.

Simon still has no idea what's going on.

So, after this lovely evaluation,

I have come to my decision

and my sexy beast is...

..Simonequa.

And they're both delighted with the decision! It's a Sexy Beasts first.

I'm over the moon to be the sexy beast.

I just wish that she'd stop calling me Simonequa.

I imagine her being stunning, to be honest with you.

I hope she is cos she's got nothing else.

Meow!

We'll see what our happy couple look like very soon, but first,

pints of plastic made Martin look like he was made of wood,

which is weird, but this is what he looks like underneath.

# Keep on lovin' you...#

Pinocchio is a real boy after all!

Well, Martin is clearly distraught but will Latoya regret her decision?

She's about to find out.

And although Martin will see the real Latoya,

we will wait a little longer.

Wow. You're actually really pretty.

Thank you very much. You're very pretty as well. You are.

So would you approach me in a, a club with your condom, then?

-Yeah.

-HE LAUGHS

Probably not.

Beauty's obviously skin deep.

I think you've got to look in a bit more to see a nice person

and sometimes you just don't see it.

Well done, Martin. That's exactly the point of the show.

That's right, viewers. There is a point to all of this.

Shall we carry on?

This is Latoya's dream man -

a warty green toad with a preposterously plump trout pout.

But who is lurking behind the latex?

# Hungry eyes... #

Goodbye Mr Toad and hello the incredible hunk!

# Hungry eyes

# I feel the magic between you and I. #

Um, hello?

Sorry, is it just me or is this one going on for ages?

I think we've seen enough now.

And so to our scandalous she-bot, Latoya.

The character that emerged from within the robot was probably

scarier than the mask, to be honest.

Buckle up, everyone. It's time to meet the madam behind the machine.

# Crazy for you

# Touch me once and you'll know it's true

# I never wanted anyone like this. #

Wow! She is Smokinghot.com!

Oh, and look -

she's imprinted a bit of robot in the middle of her forehead.

Good luck, world.

But what will our beasts think when the curtain comes down?

Is toad in the hole on the menu tonight?

# Love lifts us up where we belong. #

Wow. You look completely different

to what I thought you was going to look like.

Really? You look flipping amazing!

Give me a hug. How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

I do fancy Simonequa. Simonequa is hot.

I'm really, I'm pretty happy with that.

Guy. Guy. Massive guy.

But you're a very, very handsome guy. Well done.

Thank you.

Yay!

But to prove it's true love or at least true lust, our beasts

must reunite here over a luxurious bottle of supermarket Cava.

We're very generous.

All they have to do is turn up, but will they?

And Simonequa's here! But what about Latoya?

She is the queen of unpredictable.

Oh, dear, he's popped his own cork.

Poor Simon, drinking alone...

Ah! Where did she come from?

Ah, you've came, have you? Great to see ya.

Take a seat.

Wow.

Maybe they will be having beautiful robo-toad babies after all.

Right, I've come on this date

-as long as you don't call me Simonequa again.

-OK.

-All night.

-Shall we cheers to that?

-Cheers to that.

Sexy mission accomplished.

Latoya the robot arrived with a thud.

And scared the shit out of Martin and Judd.

But Simon the toad was spared of her scorn.

He lifted a train, a hero was born.

She did find him boring but likes muscles, you know?

Thus missing completely the point of our show.

Sleep tight, friends.