Episode 8 Snog Marry Avoid?

# Where are my pop stars? We are the hipsters... #

Welcome to the dark side.

# We're gonna party like we're rock stars

# We're as good as they come... #

Welcome to Snog, Marry, Avoid, the show that sets out to break the bad beauty habits of the nation,

so if you're stuck on slap, hooked on hair extensions or addicted to add-ons of any kind, listen up.

Fakery can take a hike because we're here to reveal the naturally beautiful you,

courtesy of the world's one and only make-under device.

You know what time it is. It's POD time.

Hello, POD. What's wrong? Feeling a little lonely today?

It's hard being the world's one and only make-under computer. That's the trouble. You're one of a kind.

-Have you ever thought about computer dating?

-I once went on a blind date with a portable touch-screen device.

-Did it go well?

-No, too much touching.

-Did he try to infiltrate your database?

-There'll be none of that. I keep my hard drive to myself.

Oh, POD! You might like to know that there's two very handsome young men on today's show. Interested?

Tell me more!

Coming up, POD tries to get the guys from Dirty Sanchez

to clean up their act.

I'd describe my style as quite flamboyant. Everyone thinks, "What the hell is that?"

We meet a would-be air hostess about to come in for a very bumpy landing.

If you toned everything down, we'd have a look at you.

And forget Twilight, we've got the real deal -

a vampire called...Carol?

Some people like us. Other people see us as freaks.

So, POD, ready to take off?

I'm refuelled and ready to go.

Fasten your seatbelts because this could get bumpy.

Hi, I'm Alex from South Shields and I'm just so much badder than you.

I'm a bad girl with a passion for pink.

When I go out, I want some of the attention to be on me,

but most of the time it's on her

and it gets annoying when she gets all the boys.

My ambition in life is to become an air hostess for a big, fancy airline.

I hope she achieves that ambition as an air hostess.

It's all she talks about.

I want to strut about in my sexy outfit and push my little trolley about.

Hi. I've come to be an air hostess.

'I love everything about myself.'

The fake hair, the fake nails, the fake eyelashes, the fake tan.

My boobs are real, which you wouldn't think.

I love my legs. I love my face.

I love my arms and my hands. I like my feet as well. I love everything about us.

We'll start from the top. You really need to tone that hair down.

Lashes, remove those.

Pink lipstick, no, far too bright. You need to cover up a bit as well.

And as for the footwear, let's have a look.

-If you toned everything down, come back, maybe we'd have a look at you.

-OK, I'll take your advice.

-Sorry.

# Pack up, let's fly away... #

So, POD, I challenge you to dress me down, so I can go up.

-Hello, gorgeous. How are you today?

-I'm fine.

This is a very lovely pink outfit. Not much of it, though.

This is my tiara because I'm a princess and everyone should treat us like a princess.

My hair is really thick. I've got so many extensions. Loads and loads.

Same with my little knickers. I've got my fishnet tights on.

And my shoesies, which I love.

What sort of reactions do you get when you go out dressed like this?

Everyone looks at us and everyone stares and like twists their neck just to look at us.

It's cos I'm fabulous.

You want to be a flight attendant and you've been told that you're too brown.

Yeah, I want POD to tone us down a bit,

so when I leave, I can hopefully go and apply for some airlines.

Right, Alex, I wish you good luck in POD now. Take Barbie for some back-up.

And I'll see you on the other side.

I am POD, the Personal Overhaul Device. Who are you?

I'm Alex.

How long does it take to put ALL those clothes on?

-Two days.

-For a bikini and fishnets? There must be a lot of fakery involved.

My hair is fake, my eyelashes are fake.

My nails are fake. These boobs are actually real. Can you believe it?

Well, seeing is believing, I suppose. Who do you base your style on?

Um... Who do I like?

Paris Hilton.

Jodie Marsh, Katie Price.

Pretty blondes, big boobs.

-What a shocker(!)

-Oh, Barbie as well.

-You don't say! What do you want to be when you grow up?

-I want to become an air hostess.

-I wonder what's stopping you?

My hair and my make-up and my tan. Basically, I'm stopping myself!

-What's the problem?

-Maybe I'd just intimidate passengers.

-Like who?

-Like ugly girls who are, like, sat with their boyfriend.

Yes, that would be a problem(!) OK, let's pretend we're in an interview.

Why do you think you'd make a good air hostess?

I'd be a good air hostess

because I can do a sexy strut down the aisle.

And I give really good customer service. I can talk to people. I look really approachable.

-Who wouldn't want to fly with me?

-Anyone not wearing a straitjacket.

Talking about jackets, now for the practical part of the interview. Go for it, Alex.

The exits are located straight in front of you.

The... The, um...

-Oxygen?

-The oxygen, the oxygen.

-Aren't you supposed to put that over your head?

-My hair's too big. I don't want to ruin it.

God forbid your hair gets mussed when you're plummeting from the sky! Continue.

Tug sharply on here for more...

Um, "inflatation". "Inflatation?" Inflate...thing?

-Where's my whistle? Why have I got two?

-Thanks. I feel a lot safer now(!)

Let's find out what the general public makes of your look. Phase one - public analysis.

I asked the public if they would snog, marry or avoid you.

-What do you think they said?

-Snog.

-Play.

-Avoid, I'm afraid. She just looks a bit kind of cheap.

Oh, my God! As if!

I think I would avoid her.

She is probably more brown than I would ever like to think.

Ooh!

I think that I would avoid her.

Oh, no.

Are you ready for POD's verdict?

Um... Go on then.

Alex, with your trailer trash Barbie look, you are definitely not a high-flyer.

You are going to have my "economy cabin to first class" make-under.

OK, POD, go for it.

First, it's phase two - deep cleanse.

Remove all your excess baggage.

Here you go.

Ow!

-Oh, it took everything off!

-Well, that is the point.

Now, are you ready for take-off?

-Run the make-under in three, two, one...

-No!

God, I just look so... I just look so fresh and so like...

It's like I've just got out the shower.

-Would they take you more seriously as an air hostess?

-Definitely.

-Do you like this look?

-I'm getting more used to it, the more I look at myself. It's just...

You've done a really good job, POD.

-Would you like to know what the public thinks of you looking like this?

-Oh, my God! OK, yeah.

-Play.

-I'd snog that girl, yes. She looks very pretty.

Oh, my God! All right.

I'd marry that girl because she looks pretty sensible and down to earth and really pretty.

God!

Oh, that's really nice.

I'd snog her because she looks pretty fresh.

In fact, 100% of the public now want to either snog or marry you.

-I hope you enjoyed being made under.

-Yeah, it's been really, really fun.

Good luck with your career. I hope you're flying high soon.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Yeah, I'm really excited to see her. I've waited all day and it should be fun.

I'm really looking forward to seeing Jack. I'm dying to know what he's going to say.

POD's done a really good job.

Hi!

You look amazing.

-Tell us what happened.

-Oh, God, it's going to take some getting used to.

-The hair's what I was mostly worried about.

-What did you think immediately after?

I was really like shocked, speechless.

-Do you like it?

-I love it.

-I was worried about what you would think,

-if you wanted to be seen with us or not.

-I'm not embarrassed any more.

-So do you think it'll help with your career?

-Yeah, definitely. Do you not?

-Yeah.

-I do.

-Here's to the new me.

-Cheers.

I thought Alex's look was a soaring success, but will she come in for a bumpy landing? Find out later.

I've been combing the country for the best hair tips and these ones made the cut.

If you get hair dye on your face,

remove it with toothpaste or nail varnish remover.

For frizzy hair, put conditioner on, wrap it in a towel for a few minutes.

Heat helps penetrate the hair.

If you've got blonde hair and you want it lighter,

you can use lemon juice, but just don't use too much

cos it'll smell like pancakes!

Don't believe that tale of having to brush your hair 100 times a night.

It'll only give you a sore arm and greasy hair.

Next up are two guys who are used to taking on pretty horrible challenges.

They've even had their bare bums dragged across sandpaper,

but that is nothing. Just wait till they meet our POD. Oh!

-Hi, I'm Pritchard. I'm good at being bad.

-I'm Dainton and I'm bad at being good.

-We're from Dirty Sanchez. Grr!

-Grr!

-Miaow!

My name is Pritchard. I'm from Dirty Sanchez.

And I'm a TV idiot.

I'm Dainton. I'm from Dirty Sanchez and I'm also a TV idiot.

The worst thing I've done is sew my mouth shut. It'd be good for this show!

My mission in life is to enjoy myself as much as possible. Life's short. Make the most of it.

My motto is, "Sleep when you're dead."

One day you're there, the next day, you're not there.

-BLEEP

-Oh, I can't even say that!

We're both skateboarders. We've been skateboarding for 22 years.

We do stupid things like snorting mustard, getting run over by cars.

-And various other stupid things.

-We've got the Willy Wonka golden tickets for life.

-We just get paid to...

-BLEEP

I'd describe my style as quite flamboyant, fun, "look at me"...

# Oh, daffodil... # No, that's Welsh.

If everyone looks at me and thinks, "What the hell is that," then it's working.

The other night, he wore Speedos and a fur coat.

I'm looking forward to going into the POD.

I'll be interested to hear what the POD's got to say about me and Dainton,

but if they were to dress me up like a Gok Wan man bag thing...

I know I'm flamboyant, but that's a different story.

This is probably the biggest stunt we've ever done.

We're good at being idiots, but getting dressed up, we're nervous.

-What are they going to do to Matt Pritchard?

-There's only one way to find out.

-Press that POD button.

ROARING

-Hello, chaps. How are you?

-Yay, Jenny!

-Good, thanks.

-Talk me through your outfits from top to toe.

-Bandana. Sunglasses, mirrored.

Leather jacket, tassels. Normal, plain vest. Zebra trousers, stand out from the crowd.

Cowboy boots and a nice, sparkly gun belt.

I pretend to look scruffy, but on the inside, I'm trying to be cool.

-How do you feel about meeting POD?

-I'm looking forward to it.

-I'm a POD virgin. I can't wait to find out.

-You don't know what the story with POD is?

-No.

-You're in for a treat.

You two lovely men, good luck in POD. See you on the other side when you're gorgeous, suited and booted.

Atchoo!

I am POD, the world's one and only make-under device. Who are you?

-Dirty Sanchez.

-Dirty what?

-Dirty Sandwiches.

-Want one?

-Certainly not. POD suspects those hands have been in some very unusual places.

-Right.

-Are you dirty boys?

-Mucky, filthy, smelly, stinking.

-What is it that you do?

-We do stupid things to one another, play pranks, skateboard, have fun.

-What kind of pranks?

-Pritchard thought he was in the Guinness Book of Records for the most paintballs.

103 paintballs to the body!

I did it and then two weeks later I found out it was a wind up. I was gutted.

-That sounds painful.

-I looked like a diseased man, but it was funny.

-So you both like to act and dress like teenagers.

-POD, what is

the usual dress sense for a pair of guys in their 30s?

-You will soon be finding out.

-Oh, boy.

-POD can see the two of you are very handsome.

I'm failing to compute why you would want to dress like slackers.

Ooh, you bitch!

-Do you kiss your mum with that mouth?

-Yes, POD.

-Hmm.

Where do you get your clothes from?

I live near the tip. Who knows?

-Pritchard, how about you?

-Various places all over the world.

-For example?

-I've got this jacket from Vegas,

I got the trousers from Australia,

I got my boots from Phoenix

and the rest of it... from Cardiff.

And your style from Hell. But once you looked like little angels.

Aah!

Ohh!

-Ohh.

-My mother would be proud.

-You're Damien bloody Omen.

-We haven't changed.

-You can still see us in us. I had a massive cold sore on my lip.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

You've kept your boyish good looks, but you don't know how to dress in order to show them off.

-Shall we find out what the public think?

-Yes, please!

We asked if they wanted to snog, marry or avoid you? What do you think they said?

-Avoid?

-Avoid.

-Play.

'I'd avoid them because they're too muscly, look pretty aggressive.

'Like they've been on steroids.'

Massive!

Steroids? That's a good one.

-'If you take them as a pair, I might have to pass.'

-She doesn't know what she's missing out on.

Of all the people we asked, 5% said they'd marry you, 10% snog,

but a resounding 85% said they'd avoid you.

Well, that's their opinion, isn't it? Nothing we can say about it.

POD also asked the public if they would feed you a three-course meal, a doner kebab or to the lions.

-What do you think they said?

-To the lions!

-To the lions!

To the lions. PRITCHARD FARTS

What on earth have you been eating?! Play.

'A doner kebab. Cos they look cheap.

'To the lions I would probably feed them to.'

25% would feed you a 3-course meal,

60% said a doner kebab and the other 15% would feed you to the lions.

-We've got a couple of fans out there, then.

-Yeah.

-Are you ready for my verdict?

-Yes, POD.

-Dirty Sanchez are in need of a good scrub.

POD will clean up your act.

-Go ahead. Let's do it.

-POD me up.

Right. Phase 2 - Deep Cleanse.

Please remove all those ridiculous accessories and put on your deep cleanse uniforms.

-Dainton, please could you centralise your knot?

-I was trying to keep it street.

-Are you ready to meet the new, cleaner, smarter Dirty Sanchez?

-Oh, POD, we're loving it!

-I can't wait!

-Run the make-under.

In three, two, one.

Well? What do you think?

-I look like my dad!

-Is that a good or bad thing?

-I think we should go out like this.

-You should...

-See if we can pull some chicks.

Do you remember what the women thought of your look before?

"Off you go, up the road. Avoid."

Let's find out what they think now. Play.

'I'd definitely have a cheeky snog with them. They look like nice lads, like a laugh. Yeah, I like them.'

Would have been her lucky day.

'They look like cheeky chappies for a snog.

'I don't think I'd marry them. They look a bit too boisterous.'

In fact, of all the people we asked, a massive 70% want to snog and marry you both.

Yes!

But, of course, for two Welsh boys there's only one woman whose opinion really matters - your mother.

I think my mum would be stoked. I've finally sorted it out.

POD computes if your mum is happy then it's been a real success.

-You'd best run along and show her. I'd hate to make you late for your tea. Goodbye, boys.

-Bye!

ROAR

We're about to go and see our tour manager.

He'll be IN the clothes, but he won't want to be in them.

It's weird. I feel completely changed from the person I was

into this gent, this man with manners.

Chalk and cheese, I'm feeling. Let's see it.

'When we go in and they see what we look like,

'they'll look at us and laugh.'

Hello, boys.

Very nice. < Yeah?

Do you want a piece of me now? They're like Ant and Dec.

-Snog, Marry, Avoid changed our lives.

-Would you snog, marry or avoid us?

No, I know where you've been!

Has POD done a good job on these two? I'd give it 50/50. Dainton scrubbed up nicely.

Matthew, I think she's taken his soul away slightly.

He's very...flamboyant.

POD, it's been emotional. We didn't get it on,

but one day in cyberspace...

I'm gonna kill you.

Boys, this is to our new look.

-Best of luck.

-Cheers.

The Dirty Sanchez boys looked lovely. Very clean-cut indeed.

But will they revert back? We'll find out later.

They look like they've had a late night or two, but what to do with more bags than Heathrow Airport?

Well, you're about to find out.

We've all heard the old trick to get rid of bags with haemorrhoid cream,

but what if you haven't got any handy? No problem.

All you need is a raw potato and a cheese grater.

All you do is grate the raw potato. Now it has to be raw because a raw potato is full of enzymes

and that's what gets rid of the bags. So grate the potato into the bowl, like so.

Then you get the potato and pop it into a little cloth.

It needs to be nice and thin.

Make a little potato parcel.

Now all there is to do is go and sit back and relax on the sofa for 20 minutes or so.

Well, 20 minutes have passed so let's see if my bags have reduced under my eyes.

Well, I think I look much fresher. Don't disagree, please.

So potatoes reduce the bags under your eyes. Perfect!

Earlier, we met the scantily-clad Alex who couldn't be an air hostess because she didn't wear enough.

POD gave her a make-under and made her all demure. Has she kept it up or gone back to Barbie?

-Let's meet her and find out. Hey, girl!

-Hiya.

-How are you?

-All right.

Well, you're dressed. This is a plus. How did you feel when you saw yourself made under?

I was really shocked. The hair... I was like, "Oh, my God."

But after a while I got used to it

and the outfit as well, it made us look more like a lady.

-So what have you learned from this?

-I learned when I'm at college and doing my training and stuff

I should definitely stick to the toned-down look and have my hair just nice

and less fake tan and less nails. And definitely less make-up and that.

-Are you still intent on being a flight attendant?

-Yes, I am. I want to follow my dreams.

Well, although the extensions and the make-up's back, it's a relative success - we have clothes on.

-Have you got a message for POD?

-Yeah. Thanks, POD, but you're never going to get rid of Barbie.

Barbie's alive and well in Newcastle!

Next we're in the Twilight Zone with a visit from a genuine vamp.

Forget Edward and Bella. And make way for vampire Carol!

What do you think? No? POD off!

-I am POD. Who are you?

-Hi, Pod. I'm Carol.

I don't know if you've noticed, but some of your teeth are pointy.

-These are fangs.

-Are they permanent?

I can remove them. You're not supposed to sleep or eat with them.

-There's always the risk of swallowing them.

-Very vamp, I don't think(!)

How much of a vampire fan are you?

I'm not crazy. I don't spend my time reading stories and watching movies,

-and contemplating sucking my neighbour's neck.

-What a relief. How would you describe this look?

Victorian Gothic. Victorian fashion was very elegant.

There is a big skirt with a petticoat for volume.

There is a bustle, like ladies wore, which enhances the figure.

And there is a corset which is...

very stiff.

And, of course, there is the top hat and the veil behind which we hide.

What are you trying to hide? What's fake about you?

Other than the teeth,

-I've got lenses on as well.

-What do you think of the Twilight phenomenon?

It's too modern and it's too...Hollywood-y.

Sparkly teeth, young teenagers. Don't like it.

So given a choice between Robert Pattinson and Dracula...?

Dracula.

"I am...Dracula."

It's, well... The story itself, the love story, it's not just a horror story. It's a love story.

And there is more to it than just the bloodsucker, really.

POD computes that anyone who'd dump Patts for the Prince of Darkness is one coffin short of a crypt.

-Now where's my garlic? You, Carol, are rejected.

-Thank you, POD. Bye!

Earlier on we met Dirty Sanchez and POD toned down their look to make them natural beauties,

-but have they kept it up? Let's find out.

-YAY!

-YAY!

Ohhh. So quiet and shy and retiring as ever.

-I think you look lovely, chaps.

-Thank you.

-How long did it take you to go back to this

and away from the more demure look?

Er...straight away. I actually kept the jeans and kept the shoes. I've worn them quite a bit.

How did POD compare to your stunts? Your experience with POD.

-Completely different to what we normally get up to.

-Yeah, we treated POD with respect.

-We were biting our tongues.

-Oh, were you well behaved?

-Tried to.

-POD was quite cheeky!

She said we were like scruffy kids.

-Have you got a message for POD?

-Thank you. You made Pritch look lush and you're a filthy beast.

I love you.

Good job today, POD. I thought you handled it very well indeed.

-Smooth ride.

-You can tell if there's someone experienced at the wheel.

I would definitely fly with you again. If no one else was available.

-You'd be my co-pilot... if everyone else was busy.

-In that case, bon voyage. POD off.

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

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