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# I'm sexy and I know it... #
I'm Ellie Taylor. Snog, Marry, Avoid is back on the road
and POD has had enough of Britain's fakery.
-Why is your hair on sideways?
-POD, you're so cheeky!
If you can't leave the house without peeling off your clothes
and piling on the fake tan, then you need to pop into POD.
The world's only makeunder computer, POD,
has modified her mother board and is ready to kick some artificial ass.
Families across Britain have had enough of the fakery that's stolen
their sons and their daughters, their brothers and their sisters.
ALL: Down with fakery! Down with fakery!
We haven't brought her up to look like this.
From Birmingham to Bromley, Cardiff to Liverpool,
she'll be flushing out fakery and unearthing natural beauties.
-POD computes you look like a French tart.
-POD, are you even allowed to say that?
And I've accepted POD's mission to explore uncharted fathoms of fakery.
I'm going native.
-You don't go out dressed like that. You might get arrested.
Cleansing wipes at the ready, this is Snog, Marry, Avoid.
This week, POD has landed in the second biggest city in the UK -
home of the Bullring, a big, bobbly building,
and the floozy in the Jacuzzi... Cover up, love. ..Birmingham!
-Hello, Ellie. Come in.
So, we're in Birmingham. What's the deal today?
POD's databanks indicate that there is a large emo community here.
Do you know, it's funny you say that cos I've just bought
this...on the off-chance that you might need... Emu costume.
You never know. Birmingham people are quite fun and maybe we'd hang out, talk about birds.
Ellie, not "emu", "emo".
Oh! Sorry, so you mean the miserable ones with the fringe
-and the "Oh, God!" Kind of thing?
-Think Baby Goth.
-Baby Goth, OK. No problem.
-So do you want me to go out and find a few?
Your mission is to investigate the emo community of Birmingham.
No problem. I'll go and fix myself with a sweepy fringe immediately.
Coming up on tonight's show, we meet a legal lady
who's on the wrong side of the law when it comes to fashion.
People are asking for my number rather than what's happening
with their case.
Birmingham's most alternative fakers come clean about their addiction.
I like to dress weird.
'I go all moody.'
Can you get out of my face? I'm feeling really emotional right now.
I can't really deal with it.
'And POD networks with a luminous number in neon.'
I like bright colours. Big shoes. Anything big and vibrant.
Birmingham is brimming with fakery,
but this lot have taken it to an alternative altitude.
There's quite a big alternative scene in Birmingham.
Alternative and grunge and punk.
-Why have you chosen this look?
-It just suits my mentality, basically.
A lot of leather, studded jackets, lots of studs on shoes.
Where did your inspiration come from?
Victorians, Georgians, my pirates and my vampire style.
Black eyeliner and black eyes are good at the moment.
-POD computes you have half a tonne of slap on.
-No, it's a tonne. Get it right!
-Did you deliberately co-ordinate your looks today?
-He copied me, actually.
Um... Excuse me. Purple's my colour.
I love different colour hairstyles, from red to orange to pink.
-Why are you so pink?
-I got a cheque to buy some hair dye.
-Shall I call the fashion police?
-Yeah, I think you should.
Now for a girl who's taken fakery to such new heights,
she's in a class of her own.
Although I don't think classy is a word her mum would use to describe her.
Hello. I'm Jasmine. I'm 22 years old.
I'm a trainee solicitor and I'm from Kent.
I do spend a lot of money on my style. A lot of money on extensions, dresses,
cos you can never wear the same dress twice.
I've got fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake lips, fake tan,
fake eyebrows, bum pads, Kim Kardashian inspired corsets.
Everything's a little bit fake.
Jasmine's look is very overstated. It's very "man in drag".
She tries to do Kim Kardashian eyebrows and she draws them on about this thick.
Could be almost porn-star-like.
She sometimes wears two bras just to make her boobs look big.
I get a lot of attention for the boobs.
We haven't brought her up to look like this.
One of my hobbies is horse riding.
I always get dolled up, full face make-up on, high heeled boots, boobs a little bit on display.
That is because you never know who you might bump into at the stables.
I'm a trainee solicitor and people are more asking for my number
rather than what's happening with their case.
If I'm going out Friday night, I've got to start getting ready at work.
Two o'clock, putting the make-up on, building it up. Come on, girls. Let's go and party.
Because of her future career, to tone down the way she dresses would be much more appropriate.
My mum would love me to be more sophisticated and more classy
than on the floor, outside a club, with a kebab!
POD, could you please make Jasmine look slightly sophisticated,
with a touch of class.
POD, you think I'm fake, but I plead not guilty.
I'm here to meet Jasmine to find out why she's
living in a world of fakery.
I hope I don't judge her too harshly(!) Ha ha!
-Hello, two of Jasmine's friends.
Jasmine, talk me through from head to toe, what is fake about you.
The hair extensions, my eyelashes, my make-up, my tan and my lips.
-Have you had your lips done?
-Yes, I have.
So was it like an easy process then?
They swelled up the next morning so I had to go to work, I work in a law
firm, and I got in there, my manager was like, "You have to go to
"court." I was like, "I can't go to court looking like this."
So we had to cancel the whole thing, it was ridiculous.
I would never do it again on a week day.
Do your friends dress the same way?
All my friends are glamorous, they all wear fake eyelashes.
We're known as the Lashies, that's what people refer to us as.
-I've actually got a quiz for you, Jasmine.
To work out whether you are indeed classy or brassy.
-Hair extensions or a judge's wig?
Because I'd be earning a lot of money if I was a judge
and I could buy as much extensions as I wanted.
-Horse and cart or dressed like a tart?
-Dressed like a tart.
You said that really sincerely. Absolutely, dressed like a tart!
-Nailing the criminal or getting gel-tipped nails.
-Nailing the criminal.
The more cases you win, equals more money, equals more nails.
You've really got your eyes on the prize.
-The prize being money and nails.
-I've got a plan.
-God knows what POD is going to do to you.
I am POD, the Personal Overhaul Device.
-Who are you?
-Hello, POD. I'm Jasmine.
POD computes you look like a French tart.
-POD, are you even allowed to say that?
-POD has clearance to say anything.
-I'm having trouble seeing your pretty eyes through those spidery lashes.
-Spidery?! These are full and thick!
POD computes that you're famous for your eyelashes. Please explain.
My friends and I are called the Lashies because we always wear fake eyelashes.
The Lassies?! Is your style trapped down a well?
No, we're the Lashies! Not Lassies!
-Jasmine, you claim to be a trainee solicitor.
-Yes, I do.
It's time for you to answer to your crimes.
-How do you plead to crimes against good taste and style?
-How do you plead to being dipped in slap?
This is the court of POD. Please state your case for fakery.
Fakery is good because it just enhances your natural beauty.
Makes your features more prominent, makes your eyes pop
and having your boobs out a little bit isn't fake,
but it's a little bit flirtatious and it gets you a few free drinks.
And that is my case for fakery. Case closed!
Jasmine, you are in contempt of POD. Case dismissed.
POD is going to teach you that underneath all that slap, you are a natural beauty.
I don't know if I'm going to fall for that one, but we'll see.
Run the Public Analysis.
I asked the public, would you like to snog, marry or avoid this girl?
What do you think they said?
I reckon they said snog.
-Are you ready?
I'd avoid cos she has too much make-up on
and looks really artificial.
What?! That's not a reason to avoid somebody!
I'd probably snog her. She's quite a pretty girl
but she looks like she spends too much time on her appearance, so I wouldn't marry her.
-OK, then. A snog's all right.
She's a bit too voluptuous, a bit too under-dressed and a bit too in your face.
That is the look I wanted to achieve!
47% of the public want to avoid you.
Unbelievable! Half! You can't win, you can't win.
POD's verdict is you are a Kim Clone Criminal
and you need my Classy Attorney Of Minimal Makeunder.
It is now time for the Deep Cleanse.
-Give me those spidery eyelashes.
-No! I need these!
-No, you don't.
It's time for Lassie to come home.
SHE FAKE SOBS
-Keep going. Is that a little bit of make-up?
Run the makeunder in three, two, one.
It's OK...I think.
I like the dress. I like the make-up. I don't like the hair.
And the heels aren't high enough.
Do you think you look a bit more professional?
-Yeah, I guess so.
-Shall we find out what the public said?
I asked the public, would you snog, marry or avoid this girl,
looking like this? What do you think they said?
Cos she looks frumpy.
If I saw her in a bar, she'd get a snog. She seems quite natural.
There's no make-up. There's nothing here that's not natural.
If I wasn't already getting married, I think she could have been the one!
I'd definitely snog that girl. She looks absolutely beautiful in that dress.
Oh, thank you.
In fact, 70% of the public want to snog you and 30% want to marry you.
-Are you being high maintenance again?
-Yes, I am. And it's staying!
Oh, dear. POD computes maybe it's a mental makeunder you need.
Initiating POD Walk.
POD's very own catwalk has been beamed into a Birmingham bar
and Jasmine is about to reveal her totally legal look to her family and friends.
What will they make of her new class act?
I really like my outfit. It's a bit Kim Kardashian.
I'm not excited to show this hair.
-You look gorgeous!
-Oh, my God!
-What are we thinking? Are you excited by this?
-God, it looks fantastic!
-Are you crying?
You look so young and so pretty.
-I think you're absolutely wicked.
-She looks fantastic.
-Do you think she looks more like a solicitor?
POD computes Jasmine has gone from a Kim Clone Criminal to
a Classy Attorney.
She looks amazing!
If she can stay looking a little bit along these lines,
it'll make me much happier.
Now I truly believe she'll be taken seriously.
POD, I'm not happy with you, POD! I'm going to come back for you.
You're going to get sued!
Head to Pigeon Park here in Birmingham and you'll find plenty
of people with black dyed hair, alternative band T-shirts,
lots and lots of eyeliner and most importantly, plenty of emotion.
But what's it really like dressing as an emo?
-Tell me what an emo would look like.
-Really dark hair.
-Really weird piercings and stuff.
-Do you like the eyeliner?
I like the make-up and clothes but not the music.
They're kind of like Gothy but not quite Gothy.
Emo's someone who wears their hair halfway down their face.
They dress really funky. Dye colours to their hair.
Really sad, hard, heavy metal music.
-Are you an emo?
POD computes emos have hair over one eye,
-piercings and are a little bit moody.
-I wouldn't say I'm moody.
It seems the emos are an elusive subculture. Time to go native.
I'm feeling really emotional right now. I can't really deal with it.
-Do you know what kind of person I am?
-What I like to think of as a baby Goth.
-Describe someone who's an emo to me.
-A lot of black make-up.
Just likes to hang around shopping centres.
Emos dress head to toe in just black.
I could be just an emo who loves plaid.
Would you be friends with me?
-It depends how you act around me.
-What if I was like, "Oh, God!
"Really hate the world. Everything's against me. You can borrow my plaid shirt"?
I'd say...just move away. I don't want to know you.
There's too much colour going on, too much happiness.
This is much harder than I thought.
I just thought I had to put eyeliner on and look a bit miserable.
It's like everyone looks the same apart from me and my friends.
Would you like to hang out and stuff and just talk about lyrics?
I've had enough of talking to people who conform.
I'm going to find some people who look like me.
-So, you're an emo.
You're smiling. You're not meant to do that.
But smiling's a good thing.
But I thought emos were meant to be like, "Oh, God."
No, that's just stereotyped ones. No, emos are happy.
I'm coming. I'll be there in a minute. Wait. I'm coming.
I thought we really got on and maybe we could hang out tomorrow
and just sit in Pigeon Park and chill.
-I think we've got to shoot off now.
-Can I come?
-Sorry, it was a group decision.
-OK. Really nice to meet you.
Really good. Bye.
Oh. They just gave me the finger.
Next up is a girl who loves to light up a room
with her bright neon looks.
I'm just hoping there's an off switch.
HI. I'm Cara. I'm 21 and I'm from Stevenage.
'I'd describe my style as cyber-Goth, colourful,
'I like bright colours, big shoes. Anything big and vibrant.
'I always like to be the centre of attention
'and you can always spot me in a crowd.'
My natural hair colour is mousy brown.
I got really, really, really bored of having natural hair colour
so I decided that I'd start bleaching it.
I've been dying my hair since I was about 14.
One minute I'll have really short hair and the next minute I'll have really long hair.
I love hair extensions.
I shave my head about once a week and it feels really nice.
I first thought about shaving my eyebrows off when I was about 16.
And then I just shave them off and draw them on.
I've had purple eyebrows, blue eyebrows, but I like to stick with pink.
I'm a freelance model-maker so I make props for films.
I would love to work on a zombie film or a zombie project.
Death seems to be a bit of a theme with my tattoos. Zombie nurses.
Paint splats. Lots of blood. Chainsaw. Zombie arms.
Just looking at her, you'd think she'd be quite an aggressive person.
But once you get to know her, she's just lovely.
Cara definitely gets a lot of attention.
Even just going to the shops turns into a big deal.
My fakery and my hair really have helped me build my confidence.
It's really helped me come out of my shell.
Some of my friends want me to tone it down cos they don't like
that I might be getting hurt from all the negative attention.
It might be time for her to try something new
and understand that people will still love her whatever she looks like.
POD, if you think you can dim this brightness, bring it on.
So, I'm off to meet Cara. I hope I recognise her.
-See what I've done here with the sunglasses?
-Yeah, I see what you've done.
-I feel like you're looking at me
with absolute disdain so I'm going to take them off.
Talk me through your look.
-You're not the usual kind of person who comes on Snog.
Bright colours. Hair extensions. I quite like pink, obviously.
-It all matches with my hair.
-When you say YOUR hair...
-Mostly my hair.
-My hair to about here.
-What colour is your hair under there?
-Mousy brown but I haven't seen it since I was 13.
Tell me how this all started then.
I started dressing Goth
and then I got a bit bored of just dressing in black
and then decided I could go the other way
and dress completely colourful.
When you strip all this back and take off all the hair and stuff,
what do you think it's going to reveal?
Initially, I'll feel quite vulnerable cos I'm not used
to not having any extensions or bright hair colours and things.
Why are you going to see POD?
I think that the last six months have been pretty rough for me
with leaving uni and moving house and things like that
and I just fancy a change. A new start.
I've actually got a quiz for you. It's about you being scary or sweet.
-Big scary lion or cute little kitten?
-Cute little kitten.
Things that go bump in the night or sweet dreams and pillow fights?
-Things that go bump in the night.
-Vampires or fairies?
I think what I've learned from this quiz is even though
you have some of the most horrible tattoos I've ever seen,
in the nicest possible way, you're really quite sweet underneath.
-Good luck, Cara.
-Thank you so much.
-I am POD, the Personal Overhaul Device. Who are you?
-Why are you so colourful?
-I quite like bright colours.
I like standing out in a crowd. It's fun.
-Why have you shaved the side of your head?
-I don't know.
-I just kind of like it.
-And where are your eyebrows?
I shaved off my eyebrows.
-Is that why you've got an extra-long sideburn?
-I think so.
I think I need this bit
to detract from the fact that I have no eyebrows.
POD computes that your clothes are very bright
and your tattoos are very dark. Why is there such a contrast?
A little bit fun, a little bit scary. I want to reflect both of those things in my look, POD.
How are you going to feel when we remove all your fakery?
I think I'm going to look like an egg.
I don't want you to look like something you eat for breakfast,
even if you do currently look like a dog's dinner.
That's not fair.
It's time for phase one of the makeunder process.
I asked the general public, would you want to snog,
marry or avoid this girl?
What do you think they said?
I'd hope for marry, but I think avoid, POD.
I would avoid that girl because I don't like the coloured hair,
I don't like the tattoos and she's not natural.
I love my tattoos and my hair.
I would avoid because she looks like something out of a comic strip.
That's the look I'm going for, POD. Can you not see?
I would avoid her.
I don't really like her hair. She looks like she's trying too much.
She just doesn't look really natural at all.
I'm not trying hard at all, POD.
100% of the public said they would avoid you.
100%?! I thought at least some people would want to snog me.
Maybe there's too much metal around your lips.
-I think that might be it.
-POD's verdict is you are a...
-Run phase two.
Remove all of those earrings.
Put away all of that silly pink hair...
I feel like a washerwoman.
..and remove all of your make-up.
-Even my eyebrows?
-Especially your eyebrows.
-I look weird already.
-You look better already.
Run the makeunder in...
Oh, my God.
-Do you like it, Cara?
-I love it.
POD computes you look stunning.
Thank you. I feel like I'm in Grease.
You're definitely the one that I want.
I have eyebrows that look real.
-Were you ever expecting to end up this pretty?
POD computes there is only one thing missing from that look.
-It's a big stick to beat the men off.
-One can only hope, POD.
Previously, I asked the public, would they want to snog,
marry or avoid you? What did they say?
-What do you think they said this time?
-Hopefully snog, POD.
I'd definitely snog her. She looks pretty tidy.
Erm, thank you.
I'd probably marry her because she looks like marriage material.
Oooh. Good to hear.
I'd probably snog her, I think. She looks friendly.
She looks attractive, pretty. She looks intelligent as well
so she'd probably have a good conversation at the same time.
In fact, 78% of the public want to snog you
and 22% want to marry you.
-No-one wants to avoid you, Cara.
POD computes that your makeunder has been a complete success.
Thank you, POD.
Are you ready to show the world you're a natural beauty?
Yeah, I think I'm ready.
It's now time for Cara to reveal her new model look on the POD-walk.
But will her best friend recognise her?
I'm really excited about the catwalk. Not sure what everyone's
going to think seeing as it was so crazy before
but I'm really looking forward to it.
-You look fab. Do you love it?
-Yeah, I do. I love it. Completely.
-What are you thinking?
-Have a cuddle.
-Do you think people are going to be intimidated by you any more?
-I don't think they will. It is quite glam, isn't it?
I want to borrow this.
-Oh, my gosh.
That is good.
Do you know, the eyebrows just look...
I'm thinking of growing back my eyebrows.
-Would you be pleased to see them return?
-Yes, definitely. I've never seen them before.
I love the clothes. I love everything. I love the shoes.
I even love the hair so...
-A good experience overall?
POD computes Cara has gone from a multi-coloured mental monster
to the very model of natural beauty.
I felt just so different,
so emotional, like it's the change that I've needed.
I thought she looked amazing. Completely different. I'm really proud of her.
This has definitely given her the confidence boost she needed so definitely going to help her.
There's only one thing the Brummies love more than a night out
and that's fixing up the fakery for the perfect on-the-town look.
Shoes are the key to any night out. The bigger the shoes, the better.
If you're going to do it properly with heels, put the big boys on.
-It looks like there's a bit missing.
-I don't think so, POD.
-Thigh boots, miniskirts.
Sequins. Lots of sparkle. Shiny, bright colours.
Every night before he goes out, he makes me pin curl his hair with hair grips.
I backcomb the living bleep out of it and then hairspray it a lot.
It sounds like quite an event.
I just had my eyelashes extended which is good for the wow factor.
I put hairspray on my face after I've done it
so I don't sweat it off when I go out.
Make sure you've got plenty on the brush.
And put all over your face. Just everywhere.
Your face looks like a basketball.
Trainee solicitor Jasmine wasn't too sure about her more professional look.
But cyber-Goth Cara was ecstatic with her new makeunder.
The question is, did they keep their makeunder?
No, of course they didn't. What have you done, the pair of you?
-I did not like my makeunder.
-Why didn't you like your makeunder?
I didn't mind the make-up, I just didn't like my hair.
It just looked awful. It made me look like a bin raider.
I don't think you looked like a bin raider. You looked lovely.
I didn't even know my face was that shape.
And, Cara, what happened to you?
You looked absolutely gorgeous and you cried when you saw yourself.
I know. I know. I did absolutely love it.
I've kept the hair curly, but I just wanted the colour back.
-That is the most pathetic thing. "I kept it curly."
-I'm wearing a shirt.
-You've got pink hair!
-I've got real eyebrows now.
-I've grown my eyebrows back.
-That's one small step.
I suppose, yeah, the clothes aren't as bonkers.
When I first met you, you were saying, I've come to this point
in my life where I want to maybe try something new.
So, do you feel you tried it and...
I feel I tried it and I did really like it. I loved the hair as well.
But I think I want to exhaust the colours before it's not acceptable
-to have bright coloured hair.
-Now, Jasmine, when I met you for the first time, you said your mum
really wanted you to come onto Snog, Marry, Avoid
-because she wanted you to look a little more professional.
-Do you think that's happened?
-I've definitely achieved that.
Now when I go to work, I wear suits and things
-and high-necked dresses and stuff like that.
-The girls are down.
They're a little bit covered. Sometimes they come out.
-But for work, they're definitely covered now.
-What about you, Cara?
-Your friend Molly, when she came along, she properly cried.
-You two had a little...sob-fest.
-She really loved it.
I did genuinely love my look and I showed my mum some photos
and she loved it as well. But when your mum says,
"It's not very you, is it?" you know it's not quite right.
So, do you think you learnt anything from doing the POD?
I feel I don't have to look as out there to feel so good about myself.
I can tone it down a bit and feel all right
instead of having to be in everyone's face.
What about you, Jasmine?
Yeah, I think I did learn that I can look a bit more natural
and people will still like me.
Afterwards, I went partying up in this really cool bar
and loads of footballers bought me drinks.
I realised that people still like me even if I look a bit more natural.
Thank you so much, girls, even though you're both very naughty.
-You look great.
-Hello, Ellie. Come in.
How's your day been then?
It's been very good. How have you been?
Yeah, good. Met some people.
Learnt how to skateboard. Looked quite miserable. It was brilliant.
Yes, I've had some rather interesting experiences myself.
I bet you have.
But I've had a chance to recharge my batteries
-and I'm waiting for you to get back out there.
-No can do I'm afraid.
I've got to go to The Bull Ring and do some shopping
which means you have to POD-off.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Snog Marry Avoid? is back and hitting the streets of Britain. Expect transformations so jaw-dropping that even the fiercest fake fanatics will give up their old looks for good. Comic Ellie Taylor and her caustic sidekick POD are on tour and ready to do battle with the nation's fakers. This time they have back-up, with mums and dads of Britain wanting to free their children of fakery and standing by POD in her mission to restore natural beauty. If you are a fakery fanatic then sleep with one glittery eye open because POD is on the move and taking no prisoners.
POD is in Birmingham where Ellie goes native, gets all 'emo'-tional and transforms herself into an emo. POD performs two tremendous transformations. Trainee solicitor Jazmine is distracting her clients with her OTT look, much to her mother's despair - 'I didn't bring my daughter up to look like this'. And Cybergoth Cara, who calls herself 'a multi-coloured mental monster' is worried that if POD makes her remove her painted eyebrows she'll just look like an egg. Can POD turn them both into natural beauties? And will they stick to their new look?