Staying Alive That Puppet Game Show

Thanks for coming on the show, you guys, break an arm.

No, I think it's "break a leg" in showbiz.

Er, no, we don't say that any more.

The good news is Darcey Bussell's having the pins removed

on Thursday so...

There's nothing physical this week? I get a bit queasy with all of that.

No, of course not!

Cancel the Flaming Wall of Death!

-Hey, guys, wonderful having you on t'show.

-Delighted.

Just be loose out there, you know.

Keep it fresh, keep it spontaneous.

-OK. Yeah?

-Yeah, yeah, let's have fun out there.

-OK!

-Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to That Puppet Game Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With our experts...

Dr Strabismus,

Amber O'Neill,

Miss Jemima Taptackle,

Eddie Watts,

Jake Hamilton-Jones

and The Amazing Ian!

With our contestants Tess Daly and Ronan Keating.

It's time for...

Please welcome your host, Dougie Colon.

Hey, hey! Here we go! Saturday night again.

Boom! What's down there?

We don't care! Let's keep moving.

Ho-ho-ho-ho! Oh, dear.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hello and welcome to That Puppet Game Show.

Here's how the show works.

Two top celebrities go head-to-head over a series of games,

each masterminded by one of our experts.

They'll be tried, tested and put through the wash,

but all in a bid to win £10,000 for a charity of their choice.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome Strictly star the gorgeous Tess Daly,

and top of the pops - it's only Ronan Keating!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh! Hello, Ronan, are you all right?

-How's it going?

-Yeah, not bad, thanks.

-And welcome to you, Tess Daly.

-Nice to see you.

-It's Saturday night on BBC One, it's your second home.

When does the dancing start?!

Are you lonely without Brucie, the governor?

-I feel quite a home with this little appendage here, this chin, you see...

-Oh, oh, so early, so early.

What would winning That Puppet Game Show mean to you tonight?

-I'm going all the way, I'm taking him down. I want to win.

-Wow!

-There's only one winner on this show.

-And that will be me, Tess.

Yes, Ronan, I'm doing it for the ladies, so you'd better look out.

Nice. Are you willing to punch Keating here, right up the conk?

Whatever it takes, physical violence. I'm going to take him out.

-Anyway, Ronan, Ronan, Ronan.

-Yes, Dougie?

-You must be looking forward to it?

-I really am, yeah, I can't wait.

-Yeah?

-I've a very competitive spirit, you know, so I'm...

-I'm ready for this.

-If you win tonight, will it be a better feeling

than when you won Rear of the Year in 2003?

That was 2003, man, that's ten years ago.

The rear's very different this year.

-Well, it's true!

-Yeah, yeah.

It is weird though, a prize for your bottom? You know, it's a bit,

"Look at his bum! Give it a prize! Put a crown on it!"

-Put a crown on it! Put two crowns on it!

-I'm rooting for both of you.

-I have to remain impartial cos I'm a game show host.

-Fair enough.

-Good luck, both of you.

Coming up, we'll be playing these fantastic rounds, devised by...

-THROUGH MONITOR:

-'..our brilliant games makers, all here tonight, standing by and ready to play.

'Ronan, I expect you're guessing...'

Everything shipshape, Mancie?

Yes, sir. As you can see, we have two excellent guests.

Hmm, what about the fella in the sparkly suit?

That's Dougie, sir, he's the host - you hired him.

Oh, excellent.

And the, er, ghostly figure of a cow looming over the whole proceedings?

That's your reflection, in the monitor, sir.

Nice touch! Hmm. Keep up the good work. Hmm.

Thank you! It's always a pleasure.

Right, Round One.

Let's find out which expert you two will be meeting

in our journey towards the £10,000 prize.

APPLAUSE

Music expert Eddie Watts!

Well, welcome along, Eddie.

Tell us, what is new in the music industry this week?

Well, the remaining members of The Beach Boys have teamed up

with Dappy from N-Dubz and Dame Kiri Te Kanawa.

Wow! That sounds interesting. What's the song?

Oh, they're not recording.

They just play five-a-side football on a Wednesday night.

You heard it here first.

What item are you presenting tonight for us, Eddie?

Tonight, we will be playing Saucissong.

-Wow! Hello, Tess Daly and Ronan Keating.

-Hello.

For this game, we will be graced with the musical talents

of the wonderful Singing Hot Dogs.

They've been stretching their vocal cords and are ready to perform.

-Let's meet them now!

-Brilliant.

Hello, I'm Eric Hot Dog.

I'm Clodagh, I like Irish dancing.

I'm Frank and I like pies.

Hi, my name is Gladys.

I'm Sebastian, I'm a personal trainer.

Hi, my name is Helen and my favourite colour's lemon.

Great to see you all, guys.

Now then, Tess and Ronan, these Hot Dogs are very, very musical.

Please play close attention.

# It's much too late to find

# When you think you've changed your mind

# You'd better change it back

# Or we will

# Both be sorry

# Don't you want me, baby?

ALL: # Don't you want me? Oh-oh. #

-Wow, yeah!

-Great!

-Aren't they great, guys? Do you love them?

-Yeah, amazing talent.

-Best musical hot dogs in the business.

Check this out - Hot Dogs, shuffle!

JOLLY MUSIC

OK, Ronan.

You're going to squeeze first, cos you won the toss backstage.

What you need to do is squeeze each one of these Hot Dogs

in the correct order so they'll sing

Human League's Don't You Want Me like they just did.

But if you get one out of sequence,

you have to hand over your squeezy barbecue tongs to Tess Daly...

-Yeah!

-..situated to your east.

It's for charity, so give it your best shot.

There are two points up for grabs. Are you ready?

-Yep.

-We're ready.

-OK, let's play, Saucissong!

OK.

# It's much too late to find... #

Whoa! That's one!

Something about "changed your mind", isn't it?

Er...

Oh, yes, but who sang it, Ronan Keating? That is the mystery you're here to solve.

# Or we will... #

ALL: Oh!

It's yours, it's all yours.

-OK.

-Here we go.

-HOT DOG GROANS:

-# It's much too late to find... #

-Wow, careful!

-Sorry!

-Careful, careful!

-Bit keen.

# When you think you've changed your mind... #

Good work, good work, come on, Tess.

# Don't you want me...? #

Oh!

Here we go.

# It's much too late to find

# When you think you've changed your mind

# You'd better change it back... #

Very good.

# Don't you want me, baby? #

ALL: Aww!

-OK, here we go again.

-OK.

# It's much too late to find

# When you think you've changed your mind

# You'd better change it back... #

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Far right!

AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT

# Both be sorry. #

-OK.

-This is hard! This is really hard.

-You should be better at this than me - you're the musical one!

-There's nothing musical about this!

HOT DOGS ALL SHOUT

-I didn't mean your singing!

-Close your ears.

-That's not what I meant.

HOT DOG: I'm so offended!

-Ronan, you've done it now.

-I'm sorry, here we go.

# It's much too late to find

# When you think you've changed your mind

-# You'd better change it back... #

-Oh, yeah!

# Or we will... #

Could this be it, could this be it?

AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT

# Both be sorry

# Don't you want me, baby? #

MUSIC: "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League

High-five! Love your work. High-five! Love your music!

-Well done, Ronan. You put all the Hot Dogs in the right order first...

-Thank you.

-..so you win the game.

Thank you for playing Saucissong!

That's the end of Round One.

To check on points, let's go to our soft-shelled score-keeper

and my favourite show-business decapod - it's Clyde!

Hey there, D...

-Er....

-Oh! Er, Clyde, are you all right, mate?

Er, yeah, b... WEAKLY: Yeah, yeah.

-W-W-What you doing?

-It's Te-Te...

It's T-Tess Daly, it's Tess... It's Tess Daly.

Yeah, I know, Tess Daly. The scores, Clyde?

CLYDE MUMBLES

Oh. Why don't I help you out here, eh?

The scores are Tess has got nowt, and Ronan's got two!

CLYDE MUMBLES

-Oh. Yeah, thank you, Clyde!

-Yeah it's Tess, it's Tess Daly.

Although I don't know what for!

HE SIGHS

This horoscope guy is so amaze-balls!

Like, for my sign, he says, "You will rise above adversity,"

and I fully broke a nail and was, like, totally fine about it!

Oh, wow, that is progress cos last week when you had A split end, we had to medicate you.

Aries says "You will be hit on the shoulder by a javelin!"

Shoulder indeed! It landed just below the collarbone!

What does it say for Aquarius? I need some luck.

Er, "A huge opportunity will come your way!"

An opportunity, really?

Maybe this is the year I finally get my own show

and can cut loose from all these putzes,

dragging me down all these years.

-Did I just say that out loud?

-Mm-hmm.

I've got to work.

Dr Strabismus, what's your sign?

I am ze sign of Capricorn.

Do you know what zis means?

-What?

-Precisely nothing!

What is the matter with all of you people?

Capricorn, "You will have a pleasant and uneventful day."

Ha! There are millions of Capricorns in the world -

how can we all have the same day?

"Unless your mother was a German pretzel bender

"and your name begins with S, in which case..."

That does narrow it down a bit.

"..you will die."

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Eddie! Please practise your music elsewhere.

But that wasn't me!

Eddie's not the only one with musical talent.

DISMISSIVE TRUMPET FANFARE

That one was me!

Dr Strabismus, you are going to die!

Oh, this is patently ludicrous as you will all be witnessing

when I make it through this day completely unharmed.

Oh, this needs an adjustment.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, you see? You see?

Apart from some minor burns

and a perforated eardrum, I am completely unharmed.

What did you say?

-Ronan, I think you bonded with t'Hot Dogs. It were like...

-I loved them. They're cute, man.

When you look at something like that, do you just spot it

and go, "Oh, look, that could be a great band, Pork Zone!"

-That could be neat, you know?

-Yeah, yeah.

So, one round down, four to go

in your hunt for the ten grand for charity.

It's like a roller-coaster ride, except that I've not been sick on anyone yet.

Early days, though - that might happen later.

On to Round Two. Let's see who we've got next!

Nature expert Jake Hamilton-Jones.

Welcome, Jake.

Great tan - have you been trekking in t'desert?

No, got trapped in my sunbed.

-Oh, well, that's very interesting.

-It was a beautiful Sunday evening.

I covered myself in the usual scented oils,

popped on a little Norah Jones, and laid down for a tan.

All of a sudden, the lid slammed shut, trapping me inside

-and leaving me for dead!

-Oh! Sounds hairy!

Yeah, the memory never fades.

Precarious. Anyway, what round have you got in store for us?

Tonight, we will playing Dart Attack!

-G'day, Ronan.

-G'day, Jake.

You're about to take part in one of the most dangerous, hideous

-and downright barking-mad games known to beast or man.

-Yowzer!

You're going to be using this blowpipe, right?

-And heaps of poison darts.

-Wow.

-Don't you worry - they're usually pretty safe.

-OK.

Like my dear old nana used to say,

"Whatever you do, don't breathe in when you're meant to blow out."

I like that. I'll remember that.

You can keep that with you as a little nugget for the rest of your life as well.

Reveal the target!

-No!

-RONAN LAUGHS

Oh, I think I like this game.

Behold in front of you the beautiful Tess.

-Around her, seven targets.

-OK.

The aim of this challenge is to burst as many of those targets as you can in 45 seconds.

Don't worry, Tess love, you'll get a chance for your revenge too.

I'll be getting my own back.

Fenton! Fire it up!

Oh, right. OK, OK.

When that wheel starts rocking, don't come a-knocking!

Three, two, one, blow like billyo!

Come on, mate, you can do it.

Spin me faster!

-Come on!

-Oh, one.

There you go! You nailed it!

-Oh, this is quite good fun!

-Beauty!

That one's gone straight to Thunderdome, mate!

Is that all you've got, Ronan?

-Is that it?

-Oh, you nailed it! Beauty!

Come on, keep going! One more!

Right in the tree!

-Come on!

-Come on, Ronan, you got it!

-Two!

Wow, great shooting, Ronan!

-Thank you!

-Ripper!

My head's gone, I'm spinning.

-Amazing job. You got all seven targets!

-Thanks, Jake!

-I can't believe it.

-Fantastic!

-Thanks for all that advice beforehand - that really stuck with me.

-You certainly knew how to blow!

All right, well, here comes Tess.

You look absolutely gorgeous for someone who's just been ankles over kneecaps!

It's your turn, Ronan, off you go.

-Good luck, Tess. Thanks, Jake.

-Close your eyes, close your mouth.

-Tess, come over here.

-Are you ready for your revenge?

-It's game on.

-Ronan got all seven targets, so the best you can hope for is a tie.

-All seven? No pressure, then, Jake.

Listen, if you don't think you can get all seven,

-just try and hit him in the eyes.

-Yeah?

-It won't help you for this game, but in future rounds it might disorient him.

-All right, good.

All right, Ronan? Are you ready to go down under?

-No!

-Fenton, spin the celebrity!

Three, two, one, blow!

It's... Woo-hoo!

Come on, you can get it! There we go!

Wow, that was so close.

Oh, right in the...!

What an awful show! Fancy still making it in black and white.

-It isn't in black and white, Gran.

-Oh, oh...

Oh, my goodness, I've gone colour-blind! Oh, oh, oh!

-Shush, Mum, we're watching telly!

-Oh!

There you go! Beauty!

20 seconds.

Great shooting, Tess.

Plenty of time, Tess.

Come on, love, you can do it.

Oh, hit the corner!

Oh, right in the Bilbo Baggins!

-That was very close!

-Almost.

Five seconds, Tess, five seconds!

Whoa-ho!

Oh!

Great round, guys, you've both been really solid oaks.

Ronan managed to hit all seven targets,

and Tess, you only got three,

but at least you managed to hit Ronan a few times.

But the winner of this game is Ronan -

-you'll get two points added to your score, mate, great job.

-Thank you.

And thanks for playing Dart Attack!

Well done, your man Ronan.

Let's see how two more points will affect the scores.

It's over to our resident score-keeper Clyde!

-Hi, Tess!

-Hi, Clyde!

Hi, I got you, er...

-I got you these flowers.

-Oh, thanks, Clyde, they're lovely.

Oh, well, you... You, er...

Yeah, the scores please, Clyde!

Oh, yeah, sure, sure, um...

Well, let's see... Tess, er, you know, she doesn't, er,

she doesn't have any yet, unfortunately.

-But she played great, didn't she? AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

Oh, and er, I think the other guy's got a few, I dunno.

That'll be four points for Ronan! Thank you, Clyde!

Yeah, I'll just go and put these in water. Oh!

Oh! Is she blowing a kiss?

Hey, hey, hey!

Uh! £30 on scratchcards for zip!

Where's this big opportunity?

You are wasting your time with those scratchcards, Ian.

These horoscopes are simply junk food for the feeble-minded.

Oh, but the comic strip on the other hand... Oh, it's Garfield!

Ha! Oh, it's totally Jon's fault

for leaving that lasagne on the window sill!

Oh, sorry about that, mate,

just cleaning out the old poison-dart blow pipe.

You see, logically explicable.

Who the hell put that cactus on my desk?

Do none of you people know the basic principles of feng shui?

You see, and again, logically explicable.

Oh, I don't know, Doc, maybe there's something in it.

The stars are millions of light years away.

How can they possibly exert that kind of pull?

EXPLOSION

Heard the word "pull"

and naturally assumed we were clay pigeon shooting.

Logically explicable.

Ah! Oh, look! Now Garfield is eating lasagne!

He certainly gets into some scrapes!

-Well, Ronan, well done - expert shooting.

-Thank you.

You didn't grow up in the Amazon, did you?

There were parts of Dublin that were like the Amazon, yes, so...

Oh, yeah, they're both wet and very green.

-Yeah, exactly!

-And, Tess, you were brilliant at being, um, spun around.

Shame there weren't points for that.

A shame, eh? I got three. But he was better than me.

-All seven of them.

-But don't panic - there's still plenty of time...

-OK.

..to catch up on winning that £10,000 for a charity of your choice.

Let's find out who's in store for Round Three.

Show-business expert Amber O'Neill!

Oh, welcome, Amber! So what game have you got in store for us, Amb?

Tonight, Dougie, we will be playing Life's a Speech!

Tess and Ronan, welcome so much to Life's A Speech.

It's great to see you both here

and Ronan, you're just about my size, you know!

Yeah? Perfect, Amber, we're perfect!

We all know what it's like being a celebrity.

You're always having to go and take part in grand openings

of restaurants and nightclubs and envelopes.

-So, I've prepared a glamorous speech for each of you...

-Oh.

-OK.

..in which you'll be giving your star blessing

to a deserving establishment.

-However, I've left out some of the words.

-Oh.

Your job is to read the speech and fill in the blanks.

Whoever fills in the most blanks correctly will win the game

and two points will be added to your total,

in your race for the charity prize.

Oh, I need these two points, Amber.

OK, you do, and we're going to start with you, Tess.

-Ronan, you go off and wait backstage.

-OK. Good luck, Tess.

-Thank you very much, very sporting of him, Amber.

-Thanks.

-Come on, good luck, you CAN do this.

-Wish me luck, honey, wish me luck.

Make your way to the podium.

You're live in three...

two, one, cue!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am honoured to be here to open this fabulous new cocktail bar.

How unusual to name it after the Strictly 2012 winner...

Louis Smith.

And what a setting for this bar, there really is nowhere as beautiful

as the largest of the Channel Islands which is, of course...

Jersey.

But now I'm here and I can't wait for a drink

and I'm really looking forward to a good Screwdriver,

which is made of...

-..vodka and lemonade?

-INCORRECT BUZZER

-Raspberry, cranberry?

-INCORRECT BUZZER

Mmm, tasty, right.

But my new favourite is called Long Island Iced Tess

which includes the three flavours of Neapolitan ice cream,

strawberry, vanilla and chocolate!

And with a twist of stout.

I've only ever made it once and it served...

And served it to the current British Chancellor of the Exchequer...

Oh, my God, don't...

Ridiculous!

Poor boy, he could hardly stand up,

he was about as balanced as his latest budget.

Now, he managed four drinks an hour over six hours,

meaning he drank a total of 24 drinks.

Pretty soon this bar will be flooded with celebrities

such as all five members of the Saturdays...

Er, Molly, Una, Vanessa, Rochelle and...

..Frankie!

As huge fans of chess,

they'll love the fact that this bar has a chess set on every table.

My favourite piece is the one that can only move diagonally across...

Of course, I'm a huge fan of chess. Which is of course the, er...Queen.

-INCORRECT BUZZER

-The knight?

-INCORRECT BUZZER

-As well as chess, the bar also has a snooker table.

You'll find all eight coloured balls

you'll need to play the game...

Red, yellow, green, white, black, blue, orange...

-INCORRECT BUZZER

-Pink and...

Blue, red, pink, yellow, orange, green, black, white...

So come on, the drinks are on me -

that is as long as your drink of choice is a cocktail

of ice and tap water. Cheers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Chancellor of....

-Tess! Tess! Come over here. You were amazing!

-Oh, could have been better, though.

-No, you were fantastic!

-Of course I could.

Ronan, can you hold these two glowing isotopes for me?

I have to scratch my bottom.

I'm on stage in a minute, man, so...

It'll only take a moment. It's killing me.

Ahh, hmm, oh, that's the spot.

-Hmm...

-Shouldn't I be wearing gloves or something?

Gloves? You should be behind a lead wall!

Tomorrow morning, you will wake up like the Incredible Hulk!

-If you know what I mean.

-Ronan, you're on.

Have a good show!

Now, listen, honey, you've got to go backstage,

but you REALLY did great.

OK, Amber, thank you very much, honey.

-And I'll get Ronan back.

-See you later!

-Ronan, we need you!

-How did she do?

-She did OK.

-It's your go now.

-OK.

-You're going to be great.

-Thanks, Amber, I'm nervous.

-You should be.

-I should be.

And you're live in...

three, two, one, cue!

It gives me great pleasure to attend the opening of this

luxurious new gourmet restaurant.

It delights me just as much

as when three of my solo studio albums went to number one in the UK.

They were of course...

Ronan...

Destination...

-Ten Years of Hits?

-INCORRECT BUZZER

Oh, my God!

Personally I'm not a big fan of haute cuisine,

my favourite food is the same as Paddington Bear's...

-Jam sandwiches.

-INCORRECT BUZZER

-Er, peanut butter sandwiches?

-INCORRECT BUZZER

Which I first tasted on a crazy night out

with the tycoon in The Apprentice, Lord Sugar.

I have nothing but respect for the bold decision to dress

the waiters as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...

Teenage Mutant Ninja...

Oh, Leonardo, Michelangelo Raphael and Donatello.

Oh, turtle power!

You can have a set menu for 25.50 or the banquet for £19 more,

which comes to...

£25, £35, £44.90.

-INCORRECT BUZZER

-Eat at this restaurant

and you're guaranteed to be full as a six-seater car

containing the six main characters from Friends...

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel,

-Rachel, Rachel, and Rachel.

-INCORRECT BUZZER

It was only ever about Rachel.

I predict big things for this restaurant,

and expect critics will soon be flocking here

from all eight countries that make up the G8...

America, England...

INCORRECT BUZZER

Er, France, Germany...

Japan, Ireland...

INCORRECT BUZZER

..Italy, France...

-INCORRECT BUZZER

-Said France.

Er, there's a lot of people.

Luckily, there's a really big lift to get them all in.

I'm going down.

Ronan, come over here.

Oh, my God!

-Oh, you were great.

-I need a hug!

Oh, you were great. Oh, oh, oh!

-Oh! Oh! Stop that!

-Wait, wait,

-Ronan...

-That was hard work!

I would go to dinner with you any time and I would certainly take your order.

Let's get Tess back. Tess!

-Tess, that's hard work.

-It's much harder than it looks.

You both did wonderfully.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, typical dizzy blonde.

Yeah, and Tess Daly's no better!

You both did wonderfully well, as I knew you would,

-but Tess got the most answers correct so wins the two points!

-Woo-hoo!

-Yeah!

-Wow!

-Thank you so much for playing Life's a Speech!

-Thanks, Amber.

-Awesome.

Oh, well done, the Daly, two points for your total.

With three rounds down, the competition is heating up.

Oh, I'm scared to say it now.

It's time for the scores with Clyde.

Who's in the lead, my little crabby crab?

HE GRUNTS

-Oh, er, hello there, Tess!

-Hi, Clyde!

-Just getting in a light workout, no big deal. Hmm, hmm.

Clyde? I'm just wondering what your wife might think about all this.

Er, don't worry, Dougie, crabs are polygamous by nature.

-I'm sure she's fine with it. WIFE:

-CLYDE!

You get down here, right now!

-I was just, er...

-Right now!

Yes, peaches.

Er, Irish has four, Miss Daly has two.

Thank you very much, Clyde!

Hey, Amber, that big opportunity finally showed up.

Wow, Ian, that's great.

Turns out there's a guy in Nigeria got 5 million.

All he needs is help transferring it.

I sent him my bank details and PIN.

-Time to sit back and watch the money flow.

-Oooh...

-This time next week, I'll be in Bar-ba-dos.

-Wow.

Bar-ba-dos...

Dr Strabismus! Come quick!

A member of the Nobel Prize Committee wants to see you!

Oh, oh, who would have thought they would come all the way here to see me?

It's wonderful, come on, hurry this way.

-I'm a little bit nervous.

-You'll be fine. Come on, quick, quick, quick.

OK, where are the Swedes?

-Oh, right in here, Dr S.

-Oh, OK.

They're waiting for you.

OK, how do I look?

-Oh, like a winner.

-OK.

-Get in there.

-Well...

It is such a great honour to...

What? Wait!

You're not a member of the Nobel Committee, you're a mop!

What is going on? Let me out!

-Let me out!

-Sorry, Dr S, it's for your own protection.

Well done, Jake.

Let me out! Let me out!

Oh, well, well done, Tess Daly. You're great thinking on your feet,

and you're only two points behind Ronan,

so the competition's really heating up.

-Anyway, Ronan...

-"Anyway, Ronan", yes?

-Anyway, Ronan.

-Thanks, pal.

-Let's have a little chat.

With those skills, you'd be struggling to get a job as a waiter

at a restaurant, let alone opening one!

-Yeah, but the funny thing about you...

-Yeah?

-You knew all the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

-Respect!

-But not the names of your own albums.

-Hmm.

I was thinking, how do you promote them? Do you go...

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"Here's me new album. Don't know what it's called, "but give us 14 quid. Cowabunga!"

-Is that what happens?

-Exactly like that!

-Yeah, exactly.

-It's amazing what that'll do for you.

-Yeah, well played.

OK, right, still everything to play for in that hunt for £10,000 for charity.

Let's find out which expert is up next.

Science expert Dr Strabismus!

Is there a doctor in the house?

Where's Dr Strabismus? He's supposed to be on stage!

I have been illegally incarcerated!

It's for his own good, Mancie.

We can't risk sending him out there - he could die!

-It's a risk I'm prepared to take.

-But his life's at stake.

It's a horoscope!

Luckily, I have prepared for this very eventuality

-and had myself cloned.

-What?

Yes, the Strabismus you have locked in here is a genetic copy.

How clever! So where's the original?

Ha-ha-ha, you can't catch me, suckers!

Woo!

We seem to be having some technical difficulties,

-ladies and gentlemen....

-I'm here!

Oh! Dr Strabismus! Better late than never!

My apologies!

I was lured into a cupboard by a Swede who turned out to be a mop!

But enough already.

I'm alive, so let's just boogie, boogie, boogie

till we just can't boogie no more!

Or, if you prefer, we could play a science-based game.

Well, perhaps both, if there's time.

Take it away, Doc!

Join us now as we play Blow By Blow!

Welcome, Tess, and welcome, Ronan, to Blow by Blow.

I can't watch! He's going to die!

This is nothing.

You should have seen my act at The Royal Variety Performance in '96.

-Oh...

-Now that was dying.

Behind you, you will see that my hot dog assistants

have just lit the last of many candles.

To be exact, 100 candles on each side.

This will be a race for you to extinguish your candles

as quickly as possible, using only human-generated air.

The air that comes through the lips will qualify,

-and only the air through the lips will qualify.

-Yeah, Ronan.

I was thinking of something else!

-Now, you will notice that the final candle has been contained...

-Yes.

..and for the hot dog to lift the container,

you must first have blown out all of the 99 candles.

So, if you are both happy, it's time to begin the round.

-So get to your starting places please.

-OK.

-It's on, Keating!

-It's on, Tess!

Starting position.

-Are you ready, Tess?

-Yes!

-Are you ready, Ronan?

-Yes!

Take one last breath.

Three, two, one, blow!

Blow! You must blow out all of the candles!

Remember, don't try this at home - leave it to the professionals!

Blow! Tess is ahead! I think she is!

I think Tess is ahead!

-DOUGIE:

-Yeah, I think she is!

-She is!

-It's close, but she's ahead.

No, Ronan, there is one still behind you! You must blow out all the candles!

You must use extreme exhalation!

You have left one!

No, Tess, there is one still behind you!

Oh, Elton John could write a song about this game!

-Oh, no, Ronan has left one at the back!

-Oh, Ro...

Oh, Tess has also left one behind her!

-Oh, wait!

-Oh, this is so close!

Who's going to take it?

-HOT DOG:

-Nearly there. That's it, come on!

-You must blow them all out!

-Ready!

Here comes Ronan!

-Ah, he has blown it out! Oh!

-Oooh!

Yes, yes, yes! We have a winner!

We have a winner!

Look at this! I do all my own stunts, see that?

This is amazing. Remember, don't try this at home, kids.

That's right, kids, luckily I was wearing safety goggles.

Yes, very good.

You were quite a spirited player - the spirit is all over you!

-It's all over me!

-Well, this is fantastic.

Ronan, you have won the round, by blowing out all 100 candles...

Well done.

-..and two points will be added to your total.

-Woo-hoo!

-Thank you. Thanks, Doc.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you very much.

-And thank you for playing Blow By Blow!

Well, two points there for Ronan.

So Clyde, four rounds down, what's that done to the scores?

Aah, aah.

Er, Clyde, what's happened?

Er, no big deal, just a little misunderstanding with the wife.

She's fine, though - I set her straight.

-WIFE:

-Clyde, I can hear you!

Er, scores are...

Life's A Rollercoaster has six, and, er, beautiful Tess has two.

-WIFE:

-Clyde!

-Guh!

Er, thank you very much, Clyde!

Trouble in paradise, I'm afraid.

You know, Monkey, astrology is an incredible thing.

It's amazing how the ancients looked up at the sky

and just from a few stars conjured a picture of an archer,

a winged horse, a whole pantheon of mythological creatures.

I like to watch reality TV and movies with car chases.

You are a simple monkey.

You see, entirely safe and non-fatal.

QED.

-MONKEY HUMS

-Oh!

-Oopsie.

-You can...

-SLOWED DOWN:

-Dr Strabismus!

Oh, look! Ah!

THUD!

Did me best.

Are you OK? Can you hear me?

Oh! So it's true!

Everything that I've ever believed about science is rendered pointless

and all because I was born on March the 11th.

-You were born on March the 11th?

-Uh-hm.

-You are not a Capricorn, you're Pisces!

-OK.

Let's get back.

Ah! Pisces, "You will narrowly escape death before your clone

"is locked in a closet on a celebrity game show.

"You will then trip up over a turtle and sprain your ankle!"

Let me see that!

Wow, aargh!

I'm sorry.

Wait! No, no, no, no, no, no!

He is a tortoise - it's a completely different species from turtle.

-I'm still completely vindicated!

-Hmm!

Ouch!

-Well done, Ronan Keating. Brilliant.

-Oh, that was hard work.

It is hard work, it must be.

-And look at the state of me.

-He's covered in wax!

-Wax all over me.

-I know. You know the dry cleaning bill?

-Yeah?

-Don't be bothering us with it.

-Oh, you're getting it!

-And hard luck, Tess Daly.

-So close, Dougie.

It were close but you're only four points behind.

-It was close, OK.

-You can actually win on the last round.

-OK.

So, are you feeling confident?

I'm going to give it everything that I've got to beat the Keating.

You could turn this around, Tess.

Let's find out as we play That Puppet End Game with me, Dougie Colon!

And here we are!

Tess, you have got two points. Ronan, you've got six.

So it's all to play for.

Either one of you could be winning that £10,000

for the charity of your choice.

For this round, knowledge is points-winning power

as our six experts will ask you questions,

based on their specialist subjects. For every question you get right,

a point will be added to your final total.

There they all are, some of the finest minds in Britain.

-That is correct!

-And Amber as well.

Wow, thank you!

There we go. Are you all ready with your questions?

ALL: Oh, yes.

Great.

This week, we begin with...

Jake, nature.

I was once run down by the fastest animal on land - what animal is it?

-Wow, Ronan?

-A jaguar.

Missed it, mate.

Oh, Tess, full question to you.

-I know what it is!

-Cheetah.

-You got it, love!

-Ah! I knew that, I knew that, I knew that!

Right, Dr Strabismus, science.

As your doctor,

I recommend you watch your intake of sodium chloride....

-Ooh, Ronan?

-Salt.

Absolutely correct!

Oh, well played, lightning. Amber, showbiz.

My royal gal pal Kate Middleton is the Duchess of which city?

-Oh, Tess Daly?

-Cambridge.

Correct!

Eddie, music.

I was sent some flowers from Reg Dwight.

By which stage name is he better known?

-Oh, Ronan?

-Oh! That was a draw!

-No way!

-It was!

-Sir Elton John.

-Correct.

Ian, mental agility.

How many words have I used in this question?

Ronan?

Nine.

-That's correct!

-Wow! Boo-ya!

Taptackle, sport.

I'm a dab hand at archery.

I always hit the central ring. What colour is it?

-Oh, Ronan?

-Black.

-Incorrect.

-Oh, Tess?

-Red?

-It's yellow.

Oh, Dr Strabismus, science.

The name of which piece of lab equipment

is cockney rhyming slang for "an earner"?

-Ronan?

-Bunsen burner.

-That is correct!

-Eddie, music.

Which Dream Girl's on-stage alter ego is Mrs Carter?

-Oh, Tess?

-Beyonce?

-Correct.

-Ian, mental agility?

-END-OF-SHOW KLAXON

-Oh, that sound signals the end of the round!

Wow, it's the big moment. Clyde, what are the final scores?

Well, after a shell-clenching final round, my sweet, sweet Tess

has five points, but the winner is Ronan with ten points!

-Thank you!

-Well played!

-Well deserved!

I love your work! You did fine!

Congratulations, Ronan, you win £10,000

for the charity of your choice - who is it going to?

It's going to the Marie Keating Foundation,

which is my charity I set up after my mum passed away from cancer.

-So, thank you very much.

-A wonderful cause, no problem.

-Cheers.

Please give a hand to the stars of the show - they've been fantastic sports.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Tess Daly and the delightful Ronan Keating!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, there's just enough time for me to say "that's all we've got time for tonight", so...

That's all we've got time for tonight! Say goodbye, everyone!

-ALL: Good night! Good night, everyone!

-Bye!

Thanks for watching. See you next time on That Puppet Game Show! Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Wait until the ladies get a load of us.

With my body and your brains, we'll be unstoppable.

I'm afraid I'm going away for a luxury cruise.

But where did you get the money?

When you cloned me, you also cloned your credit card! Ha-ha!

Why, you...

I can't stay mad at him - he's too handsome.