Superstition That Puppet Game Show

Whoa-ho!

Woo!

Hi, Dougie! Oh, hey, HD.

HE SNIFFS

New aftershave?

Just onions. Thanks for noticing.

Oh, you're a wonder, HD.

HD CLEARS HIS THROAT

DEEP VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to That Puppet Game Show!

With our experts, Dr Strabismus...

Amber O'Neill...

Miss Jemima Taptackle...

Eddie Watts...

Jake Hamilton-Jones...

and the Amazing Ian.

With our contestants Richard Hammond and Oritse Williams.

It's time for That Puppet Game Show!

Please welcome your host, Dougie Colon.

Yeah!

Here we go!

It's Saturday night! Oh, yeah!

Oh-ho-ho!

Hello, team, and welcome to That Puppet Game Show.

Here's how the show works.

Two top celebrities go head-to-head over a series of rounds,

each masterminded by one of our experts.

They'll be beaten, bruised and mildly humiliated,

but all in a bid to win ?10,000 for the charity of their choice.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

top of the petrolheads, Richard Hammond

and, flying solo tonight, from chart-topping JLS,

it's Oritse Williams!

Hiya, lads. Evening.

Now, Richard. Yes. Obviously you present Top Gear,

which with James May and Jeremy Clarkson, so...

They're on it as well.

So, you're used to working with funny-looking people.

Yes. Do you think that's helpful preparation for today?

I think it could prove to be just that, yes.

Yeah. Yes, I do.

OK. Now, Oritse, you're competitive, you're fit.

Certainly got the age advantage over Hammond over here.

All right, all right! So, you usually operate as part of a gang.

Do you think you'll fare all right on your own tonight?

It's completely fine, Richard's going down today.

Fighting talk, Hammond. What do you say?

Ah, I think it's just age, experience, ahem.

Just youthful exuberance and excitement.

It's all right, I'll smash him to bits.

Whoa! Right, there we go.

Now, lucky charms, Oritse, got a lucky charm?

Lucky hat. Always stays on the head. Look at that.

4.99 from Pitsea Market. Not really. No? Not really.

No, it's very good. It's amazing what you can... You try it on, look.

Oh, go on, then. Go on, then.

That feel like 4.99 to you? No, it doesn't.

It feels expensive and heavy.

I think I look like I should be selling watches in a pub.

"Hey, got any watches?" I think it'd look better like this.

Oh, no, no, no. I can't see anything. That's the point.

They've turned the lights out. Right, take it off me.

I've been restyled, and I didn't enjoy it, to be honest.

OK. Okey-dokey.

So, coming up, we'll be playing some of our excellent games

devised by some of our brilliant games experts.

Amber, what are you doing?

His secretions are beneficial to my follicles.

Oh, that tickles!

Rub, rub! Massage!

Mm, there she goes.

Oh, you must be so proud, having such a pretty daughter.

She's my sister, sir, and she's only 12 months younger than me.

Oh, if you say so.

Agh!

What's the matter, kid? Nerves.

I always get so nervous before going on I can barely breathe.

Oh, relax. I used to be just the same as you before going on.

Do you still get the knotted feeling in your stomach now? I don't know.

My stomach's in a jar in the Milwaukee State Hospital.

Little showbiz tip, never go drinking with Charlie Sheen.

All right, see you later, kid. Yes, see you later.

Hey, hey! Now, it's time for the first round in your battle to win

?10,000 for charity.

Let's find out which expert we'll be meeting first tonight.

Mental agility expert, The Amazing Ian.

Hey, hi, Colon.

Ian, could you reveal any of the secrets of the magicians?

Well, I shouldn't really,

but Paul Daniels is building a garage with no planning permission.

Oh, that's fascinating.

What challenge have you got in store for Richard and Oritse?

Well, tonight, Colon, I will be playing Nosey Neighbour.

Ho! Hey! Hello...

and welcome to...Nosey Neighbour!

OK, this is a game from a more innocent time,

before Google Earth, when you had to spy on your neighbour

by looking over the garden fence.

For this round, I have built a garden in the studio,

and in this garden, the Hot Dogs are recreating how

they spend their days relaxing and making the most of the mild weather.

ALL MURMUR

Oh, I'm really relaxing and making the most of this mild weather.

Richard and Oritse are with me behind the garden fence.

Come out and say hello, Oritse.

Ha-ha! There he is.

Come out and say hello, Richard. Hello! All right.

OK, now, I will ask Richard and Oritse a series of questions

based on what is happening in the Hot Dog garden.

Whoever gets the most answers correct will win. Good.

The round will start on my first question, are you ready, Richard?

I think - I feel a bit dizzy. OK. Are you ready, Oritse?

I feel sick right now, but it's all good.

OK, here we go.

Starting now.

The Hot Dog is painting the fence with what colour paint?

BUZZER Richard.

Yellow. Correct.

What is the second word on the drumming Hot Dog's T-shirt?

BUZZER Oritse.

Pork. Correct.

OK, the Hot Dog wearing the pink skirt is holding what?

BUZZER

A kite. Correct.

Yes! I am so proud!

The Hot Dog by the tent is wearing a scarf in which two colours?

BUZZER Oritse.

Red and white. Correct.

How many rubber ducks are there?

BUZZER Oh, Oritse.

Three. Correct!

How do you think this game is going? Pretty good.

Yeah, let's not make it long, eh?

The Hot Dog on the bouncy castle is wearing a hat

with which number on it?

BUZZER Oritse.

88. Correct. Oh, brilliant!

What is the middle item of clothing on the washing line?

BUZZER Oritse.

Blue shorts. Correct.

OK, the Hot Dog in shades is wearing what colour hat?

BUZZER Richard.

Red and white. Correct!

There is a Hot Dog in the "Rock And Sausage Roll" T-shirt.

What instrument is he playing?

BUZZER Richard.

Piano. Correct. Yes!

All right, now this is the last question. Oh, good!

We're going to keep bouncing until one of you gets the right answer.

Are we?! In total, how many clothes pegs are there on the washing line?

BUZZER Oritse.

16. Wrong. Richard.

HE PANTS

I'll make it 18. Wrong.

It is 18! Oritse.

20.

20 is correct, that's the right answer! Yes!

KLAXON

That was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I'm exhausted after that. Are you?

I thought you both did very well, but at the end of Nosey Neighbours,

Oritse has answered the most questions correctly,

which means, Oritse, you are the nosiest neighbour... Yes!

..and you win the round! Yes! All right, and thank you, Hot Dogs.

HOT DOGS: Thank you!

And thank you for playing Nosey Neighbour! Yeah!

Well, that's the end of round one, things are off to a good start.

Let's go to Clyde with t' scores.

No, Ma, I told you, if you want to watch movies,

just press the DVD button.

No, Ma, if the chair keeps taking you up and down the stairs,

you're using the wrong remote!

Clyde, the scores, please. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Er, Cockeye's got zip, Boy-Band two.

Thank you very much, Clyde.

'Well, great job, Oritse...'

Well, that went well. Hey, look, I found a free watch.

Ugh, you can't just take things.

We went through that with the photocopier.

Yeah, now I have to go to the library every time

I want to make copies of my butt.

Put it down. All right.

Hey, that's Eddie's lucky watch. Remember, Adele gave it to him.

Here, babe, I got you this.

It's, like, a thank you for coming up with the title 21

for my new album. Wow!

Er, yeah, I just thought it had a better ring to it

than Adele's Lovely Jubbly Cockney Knees-Up.

Thanks.

And then right after,

he found a rare copy of Shirley Bassey Goes Punk on vinyl.

It's been his good luck charm ever since.

As a man of science,

I am telling you that there is no such thing as luck.

Here, let me demonstrate.

Oh, look, here's an umbrella. And now it is open inside. Oh, dear!

Is anything happening? No. Nothing.

Ow!

Oh, look, a mirror.

SMASH! Oh, no, now it is broken.

Is anything happening? No. Nothing.

Ow!

Ow! And lastly...

Macbeth! Macbeth!

Oof!

Phew.

Argh!

See? Nothing.

Doc, stop it. If Eddie thinks the watch brings him luck, then it does.

Superstition is an affront to science.

Hmph. It is utterly irrational.

Hmph. What did you do?

I would have thought it's quite obvious,

I have smashed a watch to bits with my big hammer. Oh, I would fire you

if there was another physicist who'd do a game show.

Then it is a good job for me that Stephen Hawking is playing Vegas.

Mancie, I could nip down the jewellers

and get another one that'll fool him.

Awesome, Fenton. Do it as quickly as you can.

On it. OK.

If he doesn't find out till after his game, we'll be all right.

Hiya, Mancie, I just - whoa, whoa!

My watch! My lucky watch!

Oh, maybe the little pieces are still lucky...

My lucky watch, my lucky watch!

Without it, I'm like Art without Garfunkel.

Well, fantastic job, Oritse.

Do you think it were your training as a singer

and a dancer that gave you the edge? Possibly the fact that I'm younger.

Oh, come on! Um... You know, a little bit more agile.

Eh? I don't know,

I think it was you spotting girls in the front row of your gigs.

Practising for doing that. Probably right.

Looking at the Hot Dogs. Yeah!

Well, bad luck, Richard. Richard "The Hamster" Hammond.

Wasn't bad luck, I had a technical error. Technical error?

What are you talking about?

I got out of sync with my eyes.

They were on the down bounce, whilst I was on the up bounce,

and I just couldn't catch up. It was really quite dangerous.

You know, I hope you're more observant when you're driving.

Thank you, yes, I am.

It was a little bit more like Bottom Gear this time, wasn't it?

Oh! Come on, don't you join in!

Look at that, nice one. Thank you. He's on fire! Nice.

Still a long way to go before one of you claims that ?10,000 for charity.

Let's see who we've got next in round two.

APPLAUSE

Science expert Dr Strabismus.

Welcome, Dr Strabismus. Have you had a good week, Doc?

Very much so.

For years I have been looking for the dark matter in the universe.

And it turns out it was just down the back of my sofa!

And then I also found my remote control! It was a double bubble!

Amazing. What is the name of today's challenge, Doc?

I call this challenge...

Paddlestar Galactica.

APPLAUSE

Welcome to Paddlestar Galactica.

As you can see, this challenge merges my deep-rooted sense

of wonder at the unknowable vastness of the universe

with the delightful game of ping pong.

Richard, you will be trying to dislodge Oritse's green planets,

whereas, Oritse, you will be trying to dislodge Richard's pink planets.

And whoever dislodges all of their opponents' planets,

or hits the most out, will win the round

and have two points added to their total.

OK, now, I want you to pick up your paddles

and tighten your suspender belts because here comes the fun part.

Start the fans!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

What's going on? Very nice!

That's mad! Are we ready?

These are being held up in accordance with the Bernoulli principle,

are they not? Yes, that's exactly right, Richard.

Three, two, one, go!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Oritse has got one planet.

Come on, Richard!

There's something wrong with your orbit. This is very difficult.

Oritse has hit two out.

He hits multiple planets.

I hit one!

He's going backhand. That doesn't work for me.

Now Oritse has hit three out.

Oh, no, this is looking bad.

You better catch up, Richard. You need a more aggressive technique.

Very good, Richard.

Oritse, you still have three to hit out.

You need more oomph than that!

RICHARD: This is really difficult!

Why do you think Richard Hammond is doing this?

Well, it's for charity, isn't it?

Nah, there's got to be more to it than that.

I got it - community service.

It's so close!

Richard only has one left.

Oritse, you have two left.

Two, one, time's up!

We have a winner!

Richard, you hit Oritse's last planet out of orbit,

which makes you the winner of the game.

Thank you. Kill the fans, kill the fans.

So, thank you, Richard and Oritse for playing Paddlestar Galactica.

APPLAUSE

So, at the end of round two, let's see how that's affected the scores

with crabby Clyde.

Yeah, yeah, hold your water, Dougie.

Ma, why would aliens come three million light years to abduct you?

I don't even want you over for Easter.

Clyde, mate, could we just have the scores, please?

Eh... Mechanic's got 2. Guy in the hat, also 2.

Ma, it's not alien technology, it's just a non-stick pan.

Thank you very much, Clyde.

Mouse, do you believe in fate?

Well, just look at us. A monkey and a mouse,

two completely different species coming together for a common cause.

Oh. Mm-hm.

The fates have something pretty big in store for you and me, my friend.

PA SYSTEM: Monkey and Mouse, blockage in sewer pipe B.

MONKEY GASPS

We have been chosen!

Andy, stop behaving like a big girl's blouse.

But I need my lucky charm.

All right, I'm going to let you borrow my lucky sports bra.

Hang on. No, no, no. Nobody wants to see that.

Here, take my baby rabbit's foot.

Thanks, Jake, but I really need the watch that Adele gave me.

OK, stand back, everybody. Nobody fear, the amazing Ian is here.

When I'm through with this guy he's going to be more confident

than Arnold Schwarzenegger at a World Silliest Accent competition.

There's a competition?

You're not planning on hypnotising him, are you?

Remember what happened with the stage hands?

THEY CLUCK

We're running out of grain and those eggs really freak me out.

But look how confident those chickens are.

Look, just let him have a go, Nancy. I'll try anything.

All right, fine. OK.

All right, Eddie. Ah.

I want you to focus on the watch. OK.

Don't think about your watch, forget about your watch,

continue to focus on the watch. Maybe we should lose the watch.

Oh, look, he's under!

OK, I want you to tell me your bank account and sort code... Ian!

Sorry! Force of habit.

OK, I want you to feel as confident as...as...

as...as James Bond!

LIKE SEAN CONNERY: The name's Bond. James Bond.

And I'll have a martini, shaken, not sh-tirred.

Ha-ha! It worked! No, it didn't, you idiot!

You literally turned him into James Bond!

Well, hello there. Care for a ride on my Aston Martin?

Well, I mean, I... I guess... No, no, no, no!

You don't have an Aston Martin, you have a bicycle with a basket on it!

Then I'll give you a backie you'll never forget!

IAN LAUGHS Turn him back to normal!

He's supposed to be on stage any minute now! All right, OK...

Snap out of it! Snap out of it! Snap out...

I can't snap my claws! Och! Right, we need a new plan.

Moneypenny, you've changed!

Amber? Can you do your game? When? Now! Come on, let's go!

What? What's happened? Come on! Why has everything changed?

Right, plenty of time left to bag that ?10,000

for the charity of your choice, gentlemen.

Let's find out which expert's in store for round three!

APPLAUSE

Music expert, Eddie Watts!

CHEERING

Um? Amber? I was sort of expecting to see Eddie.

A last-minute change of plan. Eddie's is going to be such a good round,

we thought we'd put it nearer the end, er, like a climax!

Nothing to worry about!

EDDIE AS JAMES BOND: I'm attempting re-entry!

You what? Is everything all right backstage?

Blofeld's got a laser. He's going to blow the whole complex.

HE CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN

No worse than usual!

Great, let's crack on!

It's time for Life's A Speech!

Wow! Look at you two guys! The cutest one from JLS!

And the cutest one from...Top Gear. Yeah, that's not saying a lot.

Guys, welcome to Life's A Speech.

All celebrities today, whether accepting an award,

or just appearing in court, need to be able to deliver a speech.

OK. So, when you look at the camera, you'll each see a speech

explaining to your fans why you should win the show. OK.

However, I've been naughty, I've left out some words.

Your job is to read the speech and fill in the blanks.

Whoever fills in the most blanks correctly will win

and add two points to their total!

Oritse, we're going to start with you, so, Richard,

you go off there, wait backstage. OK. You go off, Richard. I'm going.

So, you know, now he's gone... SHE GIGGLES

Wait! Later, later, after the show! All right.

OK, go on! Oritse, you're live in three, two, one...

Cue!

I've achieved a lot during my short time as a celebrity.

I've already won two BRIT Awards in the categories of

Best Newcomer and Best Single... PING! PING! CHEERING

..but winning this show would top it all.

I'd be up there with the winning horse in the 2013 Grand National...

BUZZ! LAUGHTER

I'm so confident,

I know that all four coaches on the panel of The Voice UK,

Jessie J, will.i.am... PING! PING! CHEERING

..Tom Jones... PING!

..and Danny from The Script... PING!

..would turn their... even their backs on me(!)

I know that I'm destined for greatness,

just like the four main characters who make up The A-Team -

Mr T... BUZZ!

I have no idea who the rest are! LAUGHTER

The A-Team is also my all-time favourite ballad,

sung and written by the wonderful Ed Sheeran.

PING! CHEERING

I'm also insanely good at spelling.

I can do it forward, or backwards. For example,

I impress Aston all the time by spelling his surname backwards.

D-O-L`E-R...or something. BUZZ! LAUGHTER

A small insight into our tour bus banter there.

So, in conclusion, I deserve to win this show

because I am simply brilliant and everything. Look, I'll even list

all seven dwarfs from the classic 1937 film Snow White.

Mr Lazy, Mr Sleepy... BUZZ! PING!

..er, My Grumpy, um... PING!

Yeah.

And if I win, I'll celebrate the only way I know how,

by winking four times.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE Wow!

Oritse, you were wonderful! I was horrendous! No, no, no!

LAUGHTER What's going on in here? Ah!

Well, they haven't got a soundproof booth out there,

so they told me to wait in here. This is outrageous!

No, really, I can cope. It's all right.

No, I mean, you're in my favourite cubicle! Now, get out, Hamster!

LAUGHTER I'm sorry.

Richard, we're ready for you on stage. Ah, coming. Leave the tea!

Oh, sorry. Yeah! There.

I should think so!

Hmm!

We welcome back Richard! ..(I'll see you afterwards!)

APPLAUSE Hi. I'll just go.

Don't use the one on the end! It'll make sense.

Hello, Amber! How's it going? It's really good.

It's nice back there. Oh, good. OK, get into position.

You're live in three, two, one... OK. Cue!

I deserve to win the show because I'm a winner.

Just like the Formula 1 driver who won the 2012 World Championship,

which was the fastest driver... BUZZ!

..or the 2013 FA Cup champions,

the team of footballers... BUZZ!

I haven't always been a winner, though.

I was born in Solihull, where the Mell Square shopping centre is

less than two miles from Junction 5 of the M42.

PING! CHEERING Now though, I'd say that

my life is similar to the plotline in the famous Charles Dickens novel

Great Expectations. PING! CHEERING

It really is that great. I don't mean that Oritse is undeserving.

In fact, JLS are my favourite band. I even know that JLS stands for -

Junior League Supporters. BUZZ!

But, above all, I deserve to win because I have better hair.

It's so great, I could colour it purple

by mixing together the two primary colours

blue and red... PING! CHEERING

..and it would still look perfect.

I'm what you'd call memorable.

Just like the name of Charlie Brown's pet dog

Snoopy PING! CHEERING

I like cars, but trains are my true passion.

I often drag James and Jeremy around the four train stations

found on the classic London Monopoly board -

Kings Cross... PING!

..Waterloo... BUZZ!

..and another. It's a great day out.

To show you just how deserving I am,

I shall now name all eight US states beginning with M.

Mississippi, Massachusetts... PING! PING! CHEERING

..Miami...Manchester... BUZZ! BUZZ! LAUGHTER

..and some others. And look, everyone, I can do the Mobot!

I don't know what the Mobot is! Is that it?! There! I don't know!

APPLAUSE Thank you!

Oh, Richard, Richard, Richard!

Amber, it was a bit more sombre than I expected, but I think it went well.

Richard, that was great. Let's welcome back Oritse!

APPLAUSE So, er...

How did it go? It was... Not well, I suspect.

It's harder than I thought. You both did wonderfully!

As I knew you would. Thank you. OK.

Richard... Yes? ..you scored... Yes?

..eight. Eight.

But Oritse got nine... Yes! ..and wins the game!

I just needed one more!

Oh, thank you so much for playing Life's A Speech!

Sorry, Richard. I read things out for a living!

Three rounds down, let's see

how those scores are shaping up with Clyde.

A show about a revolving cup of soup?

And you've been watching for five minutes?!

Ma, that's not the TV! You're watching the microwave!

LAUGHTER Give us the scores, Clyde!

Huh?! Uh, yeah, er, Total Wipeout's got 2!

Singer's got 4!

APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Clyde!

CHEERING, RICHARD LAUGHS

Hmm, looks like you've been in hot water.

Oh, he's driving me crazy! Do something!

OK. Science to the rescue!

Ah! Ow!

When Bob Dylan went electric at the Newport Folk Festival in 1964,

shouts of "traitor" were heard from folk music purists!

I think I prefer him the other way.

Also, my head really, really hurts!

You're back! Tell me you'll go out and do your game?

I can't, not without my lucky watch.

Oh! Fenton just got back from Adele's with another lucky watch!

Isn't that right, Fenton?

No, I haven't been yet.

I need the code to get out of the building.

LAUGHTER, MANCIE GROANS

Well done, Oritse! Thank you very much.

Though I did like the way that you had such respect

for the seven dwarfs, calling them "mister".

Mr Dopey, Mr Sleepy... You getting them muddled up with the Mr Men?

No, I believe in having a lot of respect, Mr Dougie.

Very nice! Nice touch. Respect for small people and game show hosts.

Er, Richard? Yes? You're supposed to know about cars! I do!

You should give him an L plate! LAUGHTER

Fancy not knowing the name of the F1 champion!

But I don't follow F1! But do you know who it is now?

Yes. Who is it? Vettel.

Exactly! But, Richard, it is not too late in the contest for you to win.

And even if it were, I wouldn't tell you.

Thank you! So it's onto round four!

Still time to win the cash for charity.

Let's find out which expert's coming up next!

APPLAUSE

Music expert Eddie Watts!

CHEERING

Eddie?! HE SIGHS

Eddie, you're on! I can't do it without my watch!

Without it, I'm just a nerd! A walking catalogue of musical genres

subdivided by influence and beats per minute allergy-prone nerd! Shut up!

I'm tired of this! It's better to be like that than some jock douche bag!

You're sweet and kind and odd looking and I love you!

Wh...? AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Er...

I mean...

I love what you do and the way you do it and...

Maybe you are a nerd. But without nerds,

there'd be no internet or computers or pretend Elvish languages...

No geeky boys to manage my Twitter account!

No-one to invent the tanning booth.

And Seb Coe's the biggest nerd I've ever met!

See, Eddie? We need you. And the world needs people like you.

Did you say you love me?

Get out there, soldier!

Come on! OK, OK, OK! And make us proud! OK!

Oh, you're right! Who needs a lucky watch?

I can do this!

Wait! You forgot your inhaler!

Eddie?

CHEERING

You had me worried there for a minute, Eddie.

Yeah, sorry, Dougie. I thought I needed a lucky watch.

And then, I got hypnotised into thinking I was James Bond

until I got assaulted by a scientist with a hammer

and then, I finally realised I'm fine the way I am.

Well, I wouldn't go that far, Eddie. LAUGHTER

But let's play the game! Great! It's called Cheek to Cheek!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Well, it's great to meet you both. This is a really simple challenge.

All you need to do is identify the titles of the three songs

which Fenton over there is going to play to you.

Say hello, Fenton!

Hello, Fenton! LAUGHTER

To make it a bit harder, we've slowed the tracks down, you know...

HE GRUNTS SLOWLY

Have we started? No, we haven't started. Oh, right, sorry!

No, that was me demonstrating how that works. Gotcha!

And you write your answers on the notepads provided.

As you see, they've been positioned...

So if you just show us the notepads.

Yes, they've been positioned there to allow you

to write your answers down without having to break,

because you'll be in that dancing position.

You know, like you're at a wedding and in an embrace and all that.

Right, are you ready to play? No.

Ha-ha! Well, you've gotta, cos you're contractually obliged!

Take your place on the dance floor... Right.

..and we'll get ready to play track one.

Just dancing with...? Yeah, together, together!

Track one, please, Fenton! Into position, do it, do it!

SLOW MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by Psy

Who's leading? Who's leading?

This is nice! Yeah!

Oh! Oh! I know! Yeah!

I can't reach!

It would help if you didn't hold your jeans so low!

Could you come closer to me?

Not without an embarrassing amount of touch!

Yeah, I got that one!

# Fenton, Fenton! Fe`Fe-Fe-Fenton! #

Guys, guys, come forward, come forward, come forward!

Ah! OK... That was nice. I don't know why I haven't tried that before.

Richard first, OK. I need to see your answers.

You need to rip the doo-dah off the thingy.

Excuse me, but... Ahem! That's it. Look, over there!

LAUGHTER

OK! It says "Gangnam Style".

It says "Gangnam Style"! Oritse, Let's have a look at yours.

Go on, put it there. "Gangnam Style"! OK!

MC Fentona, let's hear that at the right speed and see who's right!

MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by Psy

I can't do it! I don't know how you do it!

Something like that! Yeah, I can't do it.

Yeah! Well played!

Nice one!

'Put all four legs in the air!' KLAXON

LAUGHTER Fenton! Will you leave it?!

It's like Grimshaw's grandad in a tortoise form!

Could you just put your things in the bin?

We're very environmentally friendly here. Thank you, chaps, very kind.

Great job, Oritse! I'm such a fan! Thank you very much!

We know you're a fan of Oritse. I love you too.

OK, OK, gentlemen, we'll have another tune.

Get back on the dance floor and get set to hear another song.

You ready? It feels familiar now. Tune number two! Here we go!

SLOW MUSIC: "Angels" by Robbie Williams

Richard, your head is, um, leaning on my shoulder. Oh, this is...

Oh, I know this.

It's nice. I know this one. Oh, yeah!

# There's an angel... # Er, yeah... I can't reach!

I'm literally... Look, I know my hand's on your waist!

I can't reach your backside is the problem, that's what's going on!

I can't help it! You do yours, I'll do mine. OK. You just dance!

I just gave into it now. RECORD SCRATCHES

Nice one, MC Fentona. I'm going to see what the boys say.

I was a bit late. Yeah, he was. Well, well, well! Come down, guys.

OK, Oritse, what have you got? Give me your answer.

PAPER TEARS LOUDLY, LAUGHTER

OK...

"ANFEL"!

No! What? An-GEL!

All right, then! OK! Richard "The Hamster" Hammond!

What've you got? Permit me! It's not...

You will see that, clearly, it does say "Angel".

Oh, OK. It does! Let's find out if you're right.

Fenton!

MUSIC: "Angels" by Robbie Williams

# I sit and wait... # Aw!

It's 1990s all over again! Isn't that lovely?

Gentlemen, so there you go!

Robbie was kept off the number one slot by the Teletubbies.

That's awkward, isn't it? Yes, the only time Robbie

was raging against a tubby that wasn't Gary Barlow.

OK, in the bin, in the bin! I missed you, sorry!

EXCITED CHATTER Yeah, all right!

I love you too, baby! OK, OK, OK! Round three.

Yes! Assume the position and get dancing, boys.

Good luck! Off you go. Track number three, please, Fenton.

SLOW MUSIC: "Rolling In The Deep" by Adele

SLOW SINGING, VERY DEEP VOICE

Sounds like indigestion!

LAUGHTER

Sounds like... Hold on! I've got a thought!

HE SINGS ALONG, LAUGHTER

I've just realised, I'm dancing with Oritse! That's quite cool!

Well... My daughters would rather be doing this than me!

It's wasted on me, I'll be honest. It's all good!

RECORD SCRATCHES Wow! There we go!

I don't think they wrote anything. We were chatting!

Sometimes, you get caught up in the moment. We got caught up.

Well, that was difficult. It was difficult.

I don't think you wrote anything. What have you got, Richard Hammond?

Nothing! OK. Oritse Williams, what have you got, please?

Er... I'll take that as a nothing?

Yeah, nothing. We were having a chat and... Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Must try harder! OK, Fenton, let's hear how that should've played.

MUSIC: "Rolling In The Deep" by Adele

There you go! Oh, it's Adele, innit?

Yeah, it's Adele with Rolling In The Deep! Oh!

How did I not get that? I know! I'm embarrassed for the pair of you!

I'm embarrassed for myself! Yeah! GLASS SMASHES

Please! Fenton! I mean, I will get a different DJ at some point!

Hot dogs, what are you doing here? No paper! They didn't answer!

Be gone! This is the only time we get to come on! Yeah?

Well, leave it! Go! It's my game!

Or it's the barbecue for you! I've told you before! Sorry!

I'm sorry. Well, neither of you said anything for that, so no points.

But at the end of that round, Richard and Oritse,

you correctly identified two songs, giving you two points each,

which will be added to your total. CHEERING

Excellent! Thank you very much for playing Cheek To Cheek!

APPLAUSE

OK, let's go to Clyde with the scores!

What are you watching now, Ma?

Some idiot giving out scores on a game show?

Ma! That's me! LAUGHTER

Clyde, if you don't mind, the scores, please!

Yeah! Hey, watch this, Ma! Er, yes, Dougie!

The scores are Richard Hammond has 4

and Oritse Williams has 6.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What do you mean I stink?!

Yeah, thank you very much, Clyde.

Great job, Eddie! So cool! Great job! Well done, Eddie!

It's all down to your pep talk. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Oh, um, what part of the pep talk did you mean in particular?

Oh, well, er... Well, er, I guess we both know

the part of the pep talk we're talking about.

Well, I know which part I'M talking about.

I just don't know which part YOU'RE talking about.

I just want to, you know, clear it up, so we don't get wires crossed.

Yeah! Er, well, it was the bit about me, um, knowing so much about music?

Oh?! Yeah! That was... That was a good bit.

AUDIENCE: Aw! OK, well...

Glad we cleared it up and, um, well, we've still got a show to finish.

I gotta go. Oh, and the...the part where you said you loved me.

CHEERING What?

Well, I proved it! There's no such thing as luck!

Hmm! That's right!

Well, anyway, I'd better go. Still got a show to finish!

Yup! No need to thank me! What do you say about zat, Mancie?

Dr Strabismus? Mm-hm? Do you still have that hammer?

Ah! Ja! It's right here.

LAUGHTER

Will you lean down for me? OK!

Ah! Ah! CHEERING

Not ze brain! I need ze brain for work!

Well played in that last game, lads.

Can I say what a beautiful couple you make?

There was a spark. There was chemistry, wasn't there?

Extraordinary times here on That Puppet Game Show!

But now, it's time for the final game!

And who's our expert? Yes, it's the host with the most!

It's time for That Puppet End Game with me Dougie Colon!

CHEERING

Welcome to the final round!

The scores, of course, are 4 to Richard and 6 to Oritse.

So you're still both in with a chance

of winning ?10,000 for your charity.

For this round, knowledge is points-winning power

as our six experts will ask you questions

based on their specialist subject.

Every question you get right will add a point to your overall total.

You lot, ready with your questions?

Very much so!

Absolutely! Let's give it a go! We're all set to go! Great!

This week, we're going to begin with...

It's Dr Strabismus - Science!

Examples of which form of carbon are said to be the girl's best friend?

Richard? Diamonds! Correct!

CHEERING Jake - Nature!

When I'm in Africa, I like to take a ride on a massive

thick-skinned river horse, otherwise known as what?

Hammond again! Hippo! ORITSE SIGHS

You nailed it, mate! Hippo! Yeah! CHEERING

Taptackle - Sport!

I was in a downward-facing dog this morning.

Which ancient form of exercise was I practising? Richard Hammond!

Yoga? Correct!

CHEERING Ian - Mental Agility!

I've been divorced five times. It cost me ?15,000 per settlement.

How much have I blown overall?

Richard Hammond! ?75,000.

?75,000 - that's absolutely right!

CHEERING OK! Strabismus - Science!

In my pocket, I have a Bank of England ?10 note.

Which naturalist appears on it?

Oritse? Naturalist... Going to have to hurry you, Oritse!

Goes over to Richard Hammond! Is it Darwin?

Charles Darwin - absolutely correct! CHEERING

Whoa! Jake, with Nature!

I once punched all the legs off a money spider. How many was that?

Richard Hammond? I'm going to say eight.

You got it, friend! There it is! You're quick!

HOOTER Oh!

That sound signals the end of the round and the end of the show!

Clyde, what are the final scores?

Well, after a complete and total blow out in the final round,

Oritse has 6.

But the winner is Richard, with 10!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Oh... There you go!

JAKE: Great show, Richard!

Well, congratulations, Richard, you've won ?10,000 for

the charity of your choice. Tell us, who is it going to?

It's going to go to the Children's Trust in Tadworth.

They do incredible work with children with disabilities,

particularly with acquired brain injuries!

They'll put every penny to fantastically good use.

I'm delighted for them. Aw, fantastic! A wonderful cause!

Fantastic! Good man, Richard! Give a hand to the stars of the show!

They've been brilliant sports!

The fantastic Richard Hammond and the brilliant Oritse Williams!

CHEERING

Well, there's just enough time left for me

to say that's all we've got time for tonight, so...

That's all we've got time for tonight! Say goodbye, everyone!

ALL: Good night! Thanks very much for watching!

See you next time on That Puppet Game Show! Good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Nancy, that was a brilliant show.

And as a special reward, I'm taking all those that made it happen

to dinner at the Ritz. Oh, wow! Thank you, sir.

Not you. Richard, Oritse, Dougie,

come on, our taxi's ready.

And, you lot, don't be late in the morning.

Who needs him? Come on, let's go and have pizza.

Yeah, and by the power of hypnosis, Mancie will be paying.

You're an idiot!

Let me do it again with the watch, I forgot the watch!