And The Winner Is... The Apprentice USA

Yes, Mr Mayor.

No, I totally agree 100%.

Mr Trump, you're going to be late for the finale.

-Get me the fastest driver anywhere in the world.

-Yes, Mr Trump.

I have to go now. We're doing a live finale of Celebrity Apprentice.

I think it's going to be amazing. You take care of yourself. Bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

15 weeks, 18 celebrities and it all comes down to this very big moment.

Who will become the next Celebrity Apprentice,

pop star Clay Aiken or late-night artist Arsenio Hall?

It's going to be a tough decision.

Mario Andretti, I'm really glad it's you. Let's go!

Hop in, Mr Trump. Don't worry, I won't mess up your hair.

MOTOR REVS

Step on it, we're late.

HE LAUGHS Thanks, Mario. Oh!

Wow.

-Holy

-BLEEP!

Any time, boss. Good luck with the show.

Live from the American Museum of Natural History

in New York City,

it's the season finale of The Celebrity Apprentice.

Wow! Whoa!

Thank you.

Hello, man.

Here he is, right on time, Mr Donald Trump.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

This season was amazing.

Once again, we raised a tremendous amount of money,

over 2 million for charity.

What other show does that? Nobody!

We had an incredible cast.

And tonight, we're down to the final two -

pop star Clay Aiken

and late-night legend... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Arsenio Hall. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One of them will become the Celebrity Apprentice

and make a lot of money for charity.

Right now, it's anyone's game. Take a look.

This season on The Celebrity Apprentice,

Mr Trump invited the most celebrities ever -

18 of the biggest names in the business came to New York City,

ready to fight hard in the name of charity.

-Come here, little one.

-Aw.

I'm sorry if I'm being emotional,

but I'm just extremely proud to be here with you.

You have your arguments with others, but this is all for charity,

and so that's why we're here.

It was the most explosive season ever.

It's for charity!

Slow down!

This is your fault, Trump.

Along the way, emotions hit rock bottom.

How old are we?

Lisa's lucky because I would throw her right through that wall.

Every last one of yous are bitches.

-I'm sorry, at 50-something years old...

-50-something?!

BOTH: No, she didn't!

But also soared to new heights.

-Live long and prosper.

-ALL: Woo!

-I love Celebrity Apprentice.

-Thank you.

20,000! CHEERING

Each week, a celebrity heard Mr Trump's dreaded words.

You're fired. You're fired. You're fire.

But two showed they have everything it takes to become

the Celebrity Apprentice - late-night legend Arsenio Hall...

Woof, woof, woof!

..and American Idol superstar Clay Aiken.

You tell her that I don't want to come in second on another TV show.

They both gave it all for their charity.

It's a 30,000 check.

-'Oh, my goodness!'

-Bam!

I wanted to win it for Magic so bad, you have no idea. You have no idea.

You've got a total of 50,000 for your charity.

Knowing how many kids it's going to help

really made me want that 250,000.

They battled hard to make it to the end.

I was trying to make it better.

No, you're being condescending, that's all.

-When you're

-BLEEP

-with me and disrespect me, it's on.

Throughout the journey,

they proved that in the face of competition, friendships can form.

Arsenio and I, we think a lot alike.

And for that reason, we work well together.

You find all the "jirt" in the house.

Cut. Cut a second. Should we work with the word dirt to get that D?

-Put your tongue right there. Dirt. Put your tongue...

-Dirt.

You're good with this.

Now they must set their friendship aside...

The pressure is extra on.

I'm going to kick Clay's butt.

..and go head-to-head.

-You're finalists.

-I'm having a little deja vu.

-I am not that heavy.

-CLAY LAUGHS

It's going to be a shame to have to beat him,

but I have been a runner-up before,

so I'll make sure it doesn't happen again.

For their final task,

Clay and Arsenio were given their biggest and toughest challenge.

You're going to sell tickets to raise money for your charity.

You're going to create a 30-second charity awareness ad and

you're going to produce a variety show to entertain your guests.

The entertainment will be you.

And eight celebrities return to help them get the job done.

Good luck. Make lots of money for your charities. Thank you.

Both project managers played to their strengths.

The plan is to do a comedy show,

probably a lot of stand-up but a lot of funny.

Every single person on this team is a performer.

So we're very music heavy.

The event itself is a fancy carnival.

For their charity act, Team Arsenio went back in time...

Fortunately, we got rid of all the fashion and the hair

from the '80s. But unfortunately, we still have HIV and AIDS.

..while Clay kept it all about the kids.

You ready? Go.

Don't let it come up on your side.

In the cutting room,

missing footage threatened to derail Arsenio's charity ad.

-'The Magic Johnson foundation...'

-They better move that camera.

This is impossible to cut. 'I was scared to death.

'Adam might have messed this up for me.'

There is no way I can use this.

And Team Clay hit a wall planning their party.

My cousin is feverishly working.

I'm not going to paint a wall that I'm being judged on

If I don't know what's being painted.

It's the comedians...

-Are you ready to laugh?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

..versus the musicians.

# We're not going to take it... # Come on!

As these two fierce competitors face off in their final match.

Because tonight, only one will be named the Celebrity Apprentice.

Yes!

# Money, money, money, money

# Money!

# Money, money, money, money

# Money!

# Some people got to have it

# Ye-eah

# Some people really need it

# Hey, listen to me, y'all

# Do things, do things, do things

# Bad things with it

# Dollar bills, y'all Come on

# That mean, oh, mean

# Mean green

# Almighty dollar

# You know that money...

# Give me a nickel, brother Can you spare a dime?

# Money can drive some people

# Out of their minds

# No good, no good

# Money

# Money, money, money, money

# Money! #

'Fortunately, we got rid of the hair and the fashion from the '80s.

'Unfortunately, we still have HIV and AIDS.

'Here's a man who knows a lot more about it than I do. Earv?'

'Hey, Arsenio. Not a bad pass for a comedian.

'The Magic Johnson Foundation, we'll address the social...'

'We're here at the editing facility working on the charity awareness ad

'and when I saw'

Magic standing like this, talking...

'..I was worried, I was very, very worried.'

'The Magic Johnson Foundation...'

-ARSENIO GROANS

-We said camera left.

We didn't say turn him to the left.

-No.

-As long as where he's looking there's a camera...

There better be a camera.

He said there's two more clips coming in.

One just... Oh! One just finished downloading.

-Yeah, this is like eight minutes long.

-Oh.

OK, well, let's watch the whole eight minutes and then cry.

'We have 150 kids on scholarship, college of their choice.'

'While the footage wasn't what I'd wanted,

'I had my guys out in LA film the Magic Johnson footage,

'and they are not a professional crew.

'If you get into that edit bay'

and you don't have choices, you're screwed.

'And I'm feeling concerned that my guys let down Arsenio.'

'We'll address the health, social, education

'and technology needs of minorities across the country.'

'And action.'

'Arsenio, thank you for being my close friend...'

We got his other angle.

-We're good, we're good.

-That's good.

-This'll work.

-Yeah, that's good.

-Cool.

-We're all right.

-'Not a bad pass for a comedian.'

'There's a God somewhere because we found a piece where he's looking

'forward, so that problem is all right now, we're going to be fine.

'I see two of Magic's eyes.'

Phew! That's all I want,

I just wanted to see both of his eyes at one time.

That's magical to me.

-This is good.

-Yeah, it's fine.

I think he just wants a sampling of work that shows something

kind of elegant and somewhere along the same lines of what we're doing.

'Aubrey had a vision of painting the walls for our party tomorrow.

'And in the midst of calling my cousin Christine,

'who's a mural painter, trying to pull people together'

and get everything set

to start painting in the morning,

Clay brings up the fact that he needs to see sketches

before anything can happen.

Listen, I like the idea of a mural.

I'm for it, I think it's a great idea.

It does make the walls look great.

But until I know what the murals are going to be... You know,

if it looks like graffiti, I don't want it up on the walls.

'It had nothing to do with me not trusting Debbie.

'I'm responsible for this room'

and I need more than just Debbie's word in order to feel

'comfortable with having someone paint all over my walls.'

At the end of the day, the axe can only fall on my neck.

I'm pissed, to be honest.

Because it's me actually calling you, who's in my family,

who does this for a living,

and I'm being doubted and I'm being micromanaged as to even what

I say to you on the phone, and I'm like... I'm just pissed now.

'This is not'

how I want to end the night before the event,

'with all this uncertainty, lack of trust.

'On top of all of this,'

I've got to get the music done.

I want to be in good voice, which requires some calm

and some centring.

And right now, I'm like a basket case.

And I'm really stressed.

What can we do to now give him peace of mind to execute what

he asked me to execute without him now freaking out

and going with dirty white walls, which would be a huge mistake?

We'll bring out our celebrities in just a moment.

First, everyone knows I'm a businessman.

But I've always thought there's one thing even more

important than business, and that's family.

Ivanka, Eric and Don, who's away, I'll tell you something,

they've really done a great job, don't you think?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, let's get back to business.

CLAY: OK, so when we get in here, hopefully,

the Astroturf will be close to going down

and we'll just need all hands to just be willing

and ready to do whatever is necessary.

'So it's the morning of our event and we're headed over to the venue.

'Our final task is to create a charity awareness ad,

'to plan and host a charity event, to produce'

a variety show and to raise as much money as possible

by selling tickets to our event.

I'm, like, so stressed I forgot to be excited.

-I always stress, though.

-I do too.

I'm very serious about everything being perfect, so...

We had the time of our lives, and you know what?

You've never felt like this before.

'That mural situation really upset me. And I just needed'

to find out a way to put Clay at ease.

'So my cousin e-mails me pictures of her work'

and I have my fingers crossed that Clay's going to love it.

-So let me see pictures of...

-OK.

-..what she's done in the past.

See how she did a dimension of the canopy?

-It's amazing.

-To look like the feeling has depth.

Listen, that's all I wanted to know.

All I wanted to know is that... I wanted to see that she wasn't

drawing with a pencil and coloured pencils.

I understand.

'We had to take this crazy journey to get to something brilliant.'

Trust goes a long way when you're trying to get something done

'in a time crunch. And thank God Clay'

likes what he sees.

She might be able to do the "Let's all play" in that lettering.

-What about that as an idea?

-Yeah.

-Oh, Magic Johnson!

-Yay!

That looks so great.

'This venue is really great.

'There's a performance area in the centre of it

'and there's a curtain blocking me from the performance area

'and there's a curtain blocking Clay from the performance area

'and our separate parties will be going on

'and at a certain point, our parties will merge'

and go to the performance area and the show will begin.

Now, the question with Teresa and Paul,

I just want to give these guys some business.

-Yeah, that's good.

-And I'll play off them

and I'll talk to them and I'll have fun.

'We've got to put on a variety show

'and we've got to figure out how to incorporate'

Paul and Teresa.

I was thinking about coming up with a joke for you, Paul.

"You know, Adam, I didn't like you at first but, you know,

"now that we've been working together for a while,

"I'm starting to look at you as a son,

"which means you're going to get hit with a wrench in about ten minutes."

-That was funny, dude.

-Everybody will get that.

'Adam's going to write lines for Paul and Teresa and I'm like, "OK,'

"write something for them," cos believe me,

none of them two could ad-lib.

I've been on the end of that and it doesn't work out.

Arsenio, you and I are great together.

I feel like we've got a great chemistry

and I want to do a couple of jokes with you,

I want to roast you a little bit.

-But I want you to...

-Adam, how about what I want?

What do you want?

We've been through this a lot of times, man.

Can I have a little bit of what I want?

-Can you just meet me halfway?

-This is a little bit.

-No, absolutely not.

'Adam's a very strong personality and'

no matter what you lock in on, Adam will say, "I got an idea."

'And he wanted to change it to a roast but I don't want a roast,'

I don't want Clay to have this wonderful, feel-good event

and mine is one where you don't even want to be around.

'I want the room to have a tone that reflects me.'

-You just bring me out...

-OK, and you'll handle this.

-..and I'll say, "Hold on, Arsenio, don't go anywhere..."

-OK.

-"..you're the man of the hour."

-OK.

But I'm not and it's just...it's changed a lot since you left, Adam.

It's this...

I'm trying to create this team thing but I don't want a roast.

'Arsenio chose me because he thought I would have ideas

'but he sort of shot it down.

'It was unclear what he wanted'

and I was honestly sort of confused.

-But we all can't lead, it gets

-BLEEP

-up.

Heads up, folks.

Hey, good to see you.

'We were going with a carnival theme'

because the National Inclusion Project

'is a children's charity

'and when we got to the event space, things were already in motion.

'The Astroturf arrives, our carnival booths have arrived,

'they're being set up and the muralist shows up...'

This is the basic sketch, drawn to scale.

'..and shows me the full sketch of what she wants to put on the wall.

'At that point, I realise this is a lot of work

'and we're going to really'

be cutting it close on time

if we want to make sure

'this whole thing gets done.'

Hello, sir. How are you?

I'm Clay, nice to see you.

-Thank you very much for...

-Hi, how are you?

-You want me to tell you what you're going to be doing?

-Hm-hm.

-OK.

You want to let me... You want to let me do this since it's my show?

-Go for it.

-I just...

I just need to have a grasp of this, as you know.

'Clay asked me to do this entire job'

and if you ask somebody to do it, you have to trust that they'll do it

'but he's trying to step on everyone's toes

'so he feels like he's the man in charge.

'While all the rest of us are working our asses off for him,'

in his words, "We all need to remember that it's Clay's show."

'But if I wasn't here,'

he wouldn't have a show.

When they walk in, this is the first wall they see,

-so as impressive as we can make it.

-OK.

I don't want them to start that though until they know

that they're going to be finished with this. I'd rather that be white.

-We got it.

-OK.

'I've got to have my hand in everything because it is my project.

'Plus, I'm playing for money'

for the National Inclusion Project. This is a charity that I set up

'nine years ago, so winning is extremely important to me

'because it's not just any charity, it is my charity.'

I'm trying to do the bar in Los Angeles,

you know, white with blue accents

and I wanted to make the foundation the star.

I'm going to be getting into some of this after the show.

Oh, God, you don't have to tell me.

I know where we're going after the show.

'It's time to set up the party

'and I'm really trying to keep it clean and simple.

'Every time in this game it's gotten complicated and fancy,

'it spirals out of control.

'So, I'm trying to play into what people really love.'

It's a party. We're going to have a good time, get drunk

and then we're going to make them laugh.

-See, I wouldn't have known to order this

-BLEEP.

-Do you like them?

-I thought it was a skirt hanging in the truck.

-I thought it was like some freaky skirt or some

-BLEEP.

'For the event, Arsenio put me in charge of decorating the room

'because I throw parties all the time.'

And the food, you're basically going to be passing it around

-the oeufs durs.

-Yes.

-OK.

'When I throw parties,'

I like that people keep talking about them

for months and months and months.

'That means you've definitely accomplished something good.'

So then 5.30 we'll meet with the caterers.

We need to have that one moved.

We could do it this way.

-Keep painting faster, faster, faster.

-Keep painting faster, yeah.

What can be done with painting? Can I help with painting in any way?

'This is a massive task.

'There's a lot of things that need to be happening at one time

'and not much time to do all of them in,

'so it's a little bit overwhelming.'

Can you get me a trash bag, a big trash bag? I'm going to put it on.

After all the stress that I've been through

to get this mural on the wall,

'it's the mural that's not finished at the end of the day.'

I can always put my jacket over my sleeves.

So I got everybody involved, I had

'Penn painting, Aubrey was painting,

'Teller shows up'

to help out with the magic show with Penn

'and I had him with a paintbrush too.'

Teller has a really good eye and a really steady hand.

'There's a whole bunch of money on the line and I worried'

we were going to have to open the doors and we were going

'to have wet paint everywhere.

'This mural was going to be finished before these doors opened'

and I didn't care what it took.

OK, I'm sweating in this bag.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They were a fiery bunch right up until I fired them.

Please welcome Victoria Gotti...

CHEERING

..George Takei...

..Tia Carrere...

..Patricia Velasquez...

..Lou Ferrigno...

..Dayana Mendoza.

Lou, you're a very competitive guy, aren't you?

One thing about myself I've learnt as I go along,

I give 110% to the team effort.

110%...

110%...

He gave 120%. Screw 110. He really did.

'One of Lou's strengths'

-is intensity.

-You know, I can't help it.

I just do the best... I give 110%.

110% and... He says that a lot.

You have to give 110%.

110%.

110%...

110%.

When you start to have 87%, 50%, even 80%, it's not good enough.

In my opinion, it's got to be 110%.

-Should you be fired?

-No, no way.

-Why?

-Because I gave 110%.

Did everyone not give 110%?

Who didn't give 110%?

-If that's even mathematically possible.

-Well,

-it's a tough decision...

-But 110% of what?

-..cos you...

-It's not even mathematically possible.

-Yeah.

Everyone keeps saying 110%, it drives me crazy

as a mathematical kind of guy.

So, Lou...

all kidding aside,

you just had some really remarkable surgery for the hearing.

-How did it turn out?

-Yeah, I had surgery six weeks ago.

It was an Esteem implant from Envoy Medical.

For the first time in my life, I can hear without a hearing aid.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, everybody makes fun of me 110%...

-LAUGHTER

-I have here, 110%,

I've raised 41,000 for my charity.

-Good, Lou, thank you.

-Muscular dystrophy.

Good, Lou, thank you. Thank you, Lou. Beautiful.

LOUD CHEERING Beautiful.

Beautiful.

You know...

I got a little nervous.

I thought he was coming over to fight me.

I didn't know what was happening there.

That's great, Lou, thank you.

So, Dayana, you had a problem with Lisa.

How do you feel about Lisa now?

Erm... In my opinion, I think she showed

no respect for herself, so I, unfortunately,

have nothing positive to say about her after the show.

APPLAUSE

But as Miss Universe, you had a great time on the show, right?

Thank you for the opportunity, yes. Thank you so much.

Well, it's great to have you, thank you.

Victoria, you come from a tough, smart family.

Did that help, all of that - whatever it is -

that background you have?

Did that help in terms of doing so well on Celebrity Apprentice?

-With this crowd? No.

-Ah.

LAUGHTER

Seriously, Donald...

Er, sorry, Mr Trump.

Really it's the whole, do you want to be feared because...

Do you want to be respected because you're feared?

Feared because you're respected?

To be perfectly honest, the guys were great

and I would give anything to have played on their team, really.

I would say with the exception of two or three women

that were true women...

..one...and I'll be blunt,

I'm not the type of person where you say something behind my back.

You say it to my face and I will say the same, that's just who I am.

It doesn't mean we don't have to like each other,

it doesn't mean we don't...

One is a cartoon character and behaved as such

and the other just crude, rude and classless.

Who are they?

Aubrey and Lisa.

APPLAUSE OK.

Patricia, your heart was broken, you said,

when you lost money for your charity.

You thought you were going to raise a lot and you did fine.

How do you feel about that now?

Mr Trump, I am having a really,

really hard time

because the Wayuu Taya Foundation

I started to save the lives of an area where one kid was dying a day,

I've saved hundreds of lives

and because of the money going to the other team,

this is money that I personally raised myself,

90% of the money went to the other team.

I was going to finish a school where the kids could have two meals a day.

Not only I haven't been able to finish the school,

but at the same time, I haven't been able to raise the money that I lost,

-so it's been a challenge.

-Well, you're doing well. I know

you're doing well. I know how much you have raised and it's an amazing

-job you've done. And you've done great on Celebrity Apprentice.

-Yes.

Tia...

..you were complaining about the clicks, the groups,

that were sort of after you. How do you feel about it now?

I didn't think it was a complaint, more than an observation.

Unfortunately, I think it was very divisive and obviously

we only have two men in the finale, so that speaks volumes.

Unfortunately, people's insecurities and biases

-and vying for their attention on camera...

-Like who in particular?

Oh, I think it's pretty apparent.

-Go ahead.

-I think it speaks for itself. Who do you think, crowd?

Who do you think was a problem on the women's team?

-AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

-Aubrey.

Yeah, I'm hearing a lot of...

Anyway, I will leave it unsaid. Everyone understands.

-But it's been a great experience for you?

-Oh, yeah, absolutely.

-It was educational, if nothing else.

-Well, we loved having you.

-Thank you.

-So, George, Star Trek. Great guy, great guy.

We love George. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The fact that you're such a gentleman...

..did that help you, do you think, or hurt you on Celebrity Apprentice?

You really are a great gentleman.

Well, what really helped,

I think, was the very graceful

and generous way in which you handled my leave-taking

because that resulted in dozens of people

who sent in contributions to my charity

for which I could not raise a cent.

They sent in generous contributions,

which totalled something like 10,000

to the Japanese-American National Museum.

APPLAUSE Good.

Good, George. Great job.

OK, thank you, George, really great job.

And I augmented that personally with 50,000.

Very... Wow. Very good, very good.

APPLAUSE

OK, I want to get back to the final task to see what Clay and Arsenio

are doing for their charities.

They have great charities, let's see what they're doing.

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Hey guys, how are you?

'On top of'

the event, the ad, the variety show,

we also have to raise money.

'Will Call is open and it is time for ticket sales to start.

'When we walked outside, there were two lines -

'one that was set aside'

for people coming to my party and one

'for people coming to Arsenio's party.'

Raise your hand if you're here for Arsenio.

-Raise your hand if you're here for Clay.

-That was a kick in the ass.

-Here we go!

-That's the Clay line.

ARSENIO: 'There are Clay-mates everywhere.'

'You know, chicks with Clay shirts on and, you know,'

Clay tattoos on their arms

'and I look over and see like six people in line for me.'

I'm a little nervous.

OK, everybody, we need our 10,000 givers right here.

Right here, everybody.

Who? I know there's a couple of you.

'I yelled, "Who's here for Arsenio?'

"We're here to collect money."

I go, "10,000."

'And it's like crickets.

'And I'm like, "OK, this is freaking horrible,"

'because guess what?'

We only have till 6.45, bitches. We need your dough.

How about this guy? What about this guy?

-He's waiting for his wife.

-OK, you waiting?

-Yeah.

'There are people lined up'

but I don't see no familiar faces.

'It turns out that all my people are on CP time.

'All my people are on'

coloured people time, they're going to be a little late.

Even my white friends are on CP time, you know.

'The more important you are, the more you think,

"It starts at seven? See you at 9.30!"

CLAY: Listen up, here we go.

Anybody who has big money we're going to let in first.

So the bigger the cheque, the better.

Anybody got money for Clay here?

There's only 75 people who are going to get in.

'We only have 75 tickets.'

So I've made a list of all the large cheques

and credit card donations that we're planning on receiving.

'And I know that I need to save a ticket

'for each one of those donations.'

What have we got?

Anybody think they've got a really big cheque they can toss this way?

Anybody higher than 13 for the first one in?

-A 20,000 right here.

-20,000!

-OTHERS CHEER

-Anybody higher than 20,000?

-20,000?

Take my hand, please. And come with me.

'There was a fan of mine in line'

who had bundled 20,000 worth of

donations from other fans together into one cheque

'to buy one ticket.

'So, Penn and I let her be the first person in the door

'for the whole night.'

-Debbie Gibson, Dee Snider.

-Hey, how are you?

They'll help you guys get set up

-and then you'll get your ticket.

-How are you?

'Claymates are amazing.'

They lined up and laid down big cheques, I thank them for that.

-20,000!

-THEY WHOOP

'For the first person'

through the door, 20,000.

Bam! We're off to the races.

-Kelly Clarkson is giving us 10,000.

-Wow!

Very nice of you to bring that in for Kelly.

-10,000.

-Excellent.

This lady bringing it in for David Foster.

-Thank you so much.

-Give her a ticket.

Hello! Hey, I'm Clay.

-Oh, yes! Absolutely!

-How you doing?

'I was really excited when famed pitcher Orel Hershiser arrived.

'He's an American icon,'

he's a perfect person to have at our carnival-themed event.

-Well, I think Orel has something for us.

-We have a 20,000 cheque.

-What?

That's incredible.

'And he came bearing a 20,000 cheque.

So, the evening was off to a flying start.

Thank you so much for being here, you guys.

-Hello, sir. What do you have?

-I have a cheque for 5,000 from Jay Leno.

5,000 from Jay Leno, everybody.

Let's hear you!

Hurry, Lisa! Hurry back!

-I've got... My bunions is acting up.

-Yeah, you got a... It happens!

-Wait, a friend of ours, a stand-up comic.

-Who?

-Chris Rock said, "Take this five grand."

-Get out of here!

-Yes!

'Before you knew it, it started to pick up'

and I'm happy.

-Oh, no, I see. It's Eddie Murphy.

-Yeah.

This... Damn!

Come with me.

'I was feeling good because'

I see this huge cheque from Eddie Murphy for 10,000.

-Mr George Lopez sent us five grand.

-Oh, my God, George!

-Oh, my God, how many pesos is that?

-Oh, boy!

'I mean, all my boys were stepping up.'

Jay Leno, another Jay... This is the second Jay Leno cheque.

The second Jay Leno? Oh, my God!

Jay Leno just writes a bunch of cheques and gives them

-to white people he don't even know.

-God bless him.

-He's insane!

'You know, I'm happy.

'Cos the fund raising thing looks like'

it's going to be all right.

-This is from the one and only Jimmy Kimmel.

-For how much?

-10,000.

-Oh, yeah! Jimmy Kimmel up in this bitch.

-All right!

Thank you so much, honey.

Lisa?

This is a Marco Andretti.

The Andretti family! Thank you.

Ah!

-Oh, my God!

-Oh!

-Make it rain!

-Player! Do it like a player!

-That's strip club!

-Ah! Ah! Ah! Yes!

'Michael and Marco Andretti really came through'

for the Magic Johnson Foundation. That was really sweet.

'Classy, classy family.'

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Yes!

-Oh, my God, it's my alter ego!

-How's it going, Lisa?

'I had this really good idea

'because I honestly wanted to make a donation to Clay's charity.'

So I said what would be cute to do would be if I hired a drag queen,

had them wear one of my dresses

'and we went over

'and donated this money together.'

I want to give you 10,000 for being so nice.

10,000 from the Lisa Lampanelli!

THEY CHEER

-Thank you very much.

-No problem!

'Somehow, Lisa had snuck away from Arsenio's party,'

which she's supposed to be working, to walk all the way down

to where we were and donate 10,000 to the cause.

-Lisa's on the other team.

-I'm on the other team.

And she's still giving 10,000 to us.

Because Clay Aiken made my life happy here.

'It's pretty brave on her part to do that,'

but I'm really touched by her heart and her willingness to help out.

Lisa Lampanelli!

We're going to open up the doors, folks. Here we go!

Let's all play!

THEY CHEER

'Now that we've finished selling tickets, the party has opened.'

And at this point, the main priority is to get people in there

doing the activities and enjoying themselves.

Hi! Welcome to the carnival. Let's all play.

Now, you guys have to get up and go play some of these games, OK?

'We had chosen a carnival atmosphere specifically to'

highlight the fact that the National Inclusion Project

'is a children's charity and it's about having fun

'and let's all play together.'

-You guys playing every game possible?

-Yes.

'After a lot of work,'

it looks incredible inside the party.

'It was a beautiful carnival. The mural came out really, really well.'

The tent booths looked incredible,

'the games were fun, the signage was perfect.'

And people seem to be having fun.

-Woo!

-I got it!

ARSENIO: Come on! Come on!

Get some liquor, so that it's much quicker!

'So it's time for the party to begin.

'I open the curtains and say,'

"Let's get busy."

And everybody comes in and

'hits the bar, we start taking pictures.

'I have magicians in there to entertain people

'while they're just hanging out, walking around.'

The party's on and popping!

Hi, guys! How are you?

Oh, thank you!

'Everything's going really well, we have a lot of people here.

'Everyone seems to be having'

a great time and I'm super excited.

I can't wait to get the show started.

We should have a cow bell or something.

-OK, it's six minutes to seven.

-OK.

'I keep my phone on silent, and I feel this.'

Take my phone out.

And it's Whoopi Goldberg saying,

' "I'm on my way."

'I'm real, real excited cos'

I got a date.

THEY CHEER

Whoa! Whoa!

-Oh! Hello, sir. How are you?

-How are you, man?

-Good to see you.

-Oh, look!

-Debbie is spinning, doing a hula-hoop!

-Oi!

-She's looking good.

-Good to see you.

Hello, sir. How are you?

'For this final task, we'll be judged by Mr Trump himself.

'And as soon as Mr Trump walks in,'

here's Debbie Gibson right in front of him hula-hooping

and balancing spinning plates on sticks.

So, it was quite the introduction to our carnival atmosphere.

-Look at you, look at that. Very good job!

-Do you want to do it? Hold it.

-Here we go. Come on, Mr Trump.

-Very good job.

-Yay!

'It was a really important for me to be there when Mr Trump

'was being led around to all the different booths because

'Clay put me in charge of designing the entire party,'

and I'm not letting it go down bad.

Kids actually play this when they do camps with Clay's charity -

the kids with disabilities and the kids without come together.

And it actually helps them learn rhythm

and creative space exploration.

'Aubrey jumps in and starts walking forward with Mr Trump

'as if I'm not there.

'Aubrey likes to'

take things over.

She's very passionate about the stuff that she does

'but I'm going to do my very best to show Mr Trump that I'm in charge.'

-Are you going to try this one?

-Yeah.

Oh, come on!

-Just for that, I get to win.

-OK.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, everybody. How are you? How are you?

'Donald Trump, his posse'

and his entire family arrived.

Come here. Come on! Great guy.

-Great job.

-I'll go get Whoopi.

-OK. Yeah, go get Whoopi.

'The thing that makes this task hard is while I'm doing this,'

there's five other things I should be doing.

And the show is about to start.

Well, hey! My date is here.

I love Whoopi. I love Whoopi!

'I'm looking around and I see the Trump family smile.

'And I see my friends smile. I see Whoopi Goldberg smile.'

And I'm happy, because all that hell is worthwhile.

Just as soon as this happens, I'll come right back.

'It's time to pull the big cord that will make the curtains drop.

'And at that point,'

Team Clay and Team Arsenio

will mix together and occupy the room as one.

One...

Two, three!

THEY CHEER

-CLAY:

-'It's showtime and Arsenio's party,'

across the way we can see and he can see us.

'Everybody cheers and the walls are down.'

It's like the Berlin Wall had fallen between our parties.

-Shall we just do this together?

-Yes.

'I haven't done stand-up in about ten years and so,

'I'm a nervous wreck.

'I've never wanted anything so bad in my life.'

I really want to be the Celebrity Apprentice.

APPLAUSE

They were really big talkers, but sadly,

I fired every last one of them.

Please welcome Adam Carolla...

..Debbie Gibson...

..Dee Snider...

..Paul Teutel Snr...

..Penn Jillette...

..Teresa Giudice...

..Lisa Lampanelli...

..and Aubrey O'Day.

Great job, great job, everybody. Really good. Great! Great job.

So, Aubrey, how did you make them so angry at you? All of them.

I mean, you just drove him crazy.

They sound like they love me right now.

SOME CHEER

Um, you know, here's the thing.

I'm a fierce competitor.

I suffer from a young, passionate, competitive heart.

I've been doubted and under-recognised a lot in my career

and so I have a certain amount of anxiety when it comes to

proving myself and standing out and really showing what I'm capable of.

And what I want to say is you can't combat bad with bad.

You have to turn it into a good, and I didn't always do that.

And I apologise for any time that anyone took it personally

cos I absolutely do not want to offend anyone.

I'm competitive and I want to win, but I don't want to hurt anyone.

I want people to feel better about themselves after leaving me,

and that's one thing that I will take from this show.

It's a teachable moment and I'm so happy that you gave me

the opportunity for that.

-Thank you very much, Aubrey. Thank you.

-Woo!

Lisa? My Lisa.

SHE LAUGHS Oh, has your stock gone up, right?

-We want 25%, Lisa.

-You got it.

So, I have something to ask you, but I want you to look at this first.

OK.

We're not going to be the typical woman's team who just is all catty

and mean and bitchy to each other.

-Right.

-OK, cool. Perfect.

-God, you

-BLEEP

-guys, seriously?

Come on! How old are we?

-This is

-BLEEP.

I'm not arguing with you because you have lies made up in your head.

Oh, God. Please, Lisa, please.

-So, enjoy the delusion of your life.

-Yeah.

-I do the job and you don't.

-I said how I felt.

So get ready for an elevator ride, Lou.

-If you want loud, honey, you

-BLEEP

-got it!

You are out of line, as usual, again.

With all due respect, she is the female Lou Ferrigno,

-and I object to that.

-Whoa!

-That was

-BLEEP

-up, Lou.

-I don't give a

-BLEEP

-how bad you feel.

-You're a

-BLEEP

-pain in the ass.

-I

-BLEEP

-hate you!

-BLEEP

-shut up!

-Don't be a

-BLEEP!

-The profanity the other night was...

-Well, guess what?

-I meant every

-BLEEP

-word. How's that sound?

APPLAUSE

-I'm funny!

-SHE LAUGHS

So, Lisa. Exactly what happened to you?

I'm a freaking mental case, Mr Trump. What can I tell you?

Never invite a 50-year-old

menopausal bee-atch on a show.

At this point, I need more hormone therapy than Chaz Bono.

Help me!

Lisa, watch this.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm not going to be a villain because I have strong opinions.

And I did not get into this business to make girls cry.

-"Eugh! Mr Trump! Eugh!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"I do everything! Eugh!"

Dayana?

I love it, I love it!

Stand up, Dayana.

Stand up. You know, go ahead. Stand up.

She has been so great! THEY CHEER

-So, what are you doing to Lisa?

-Say again?

-What are you doing to Lisa?

-Um...

You're making her crazy.

After we've all watched it so much,

I figured I could do an exact imitation of Lisa Lampanelli.

-I think it was very successful.

-It was very good, very good.

And are you now...? Do you feel differently about Dayana, Lisa?

I think she's great. You know what? I love being made fun of.

I do though roasts on TV, and I dish it out

and I can definitely take it, so I'll laugh my A off at that moment.

-I thought it was great.

-Very good, I like that.

Good. So, Adam.

You're a funny guy.

Do you think that helped you do so well in Celebrity Apprentice?

-Talking to me, Mr Trump?

-I'm talking to you.

-Oh, yeah.

Uh, no.

It helps about as much as it helps in golf and porn.

LAUGHTER

Not a lot. But as Penn and I were discussing, there's two games.

There's Celebrity Apprentice that you're trying to win

for your charity and then there's the game

you're trying to win at home in front of the viewers,

and being funny and winning that game couldn't hurt your career.

Well, you did very well. Teresa, Adam called you naive.

You think you're naive?

-Um, you did?

-She thinks that's a brand of douche.

LAUGHTER

-Can I answer now?

-Yes, go ahead.

-OK.

Not at all. Um...

-AUDIENCE WHOOPS

-Definitely not. If anything,

I'm a little too trusting

and I try to see the good in all people.

All right, good. Good.

Dee. My Dee!

-You went through a lot.

-Yeah.

You broke your finger,

it didn't stop you for one hour.

He really did, he showed a lot of...

A lot of people would have left. So...

How are you doing? How are you doing now?

Well, it's a little bit, it's a little bit funky.

I've had two surgeries, they're talking about a third.

But I can still sign all of my new books

-and CDs that just came out last week.

-And you know what?

-You can still sing, and that's good.

-I can still sing.

-Great job.

Hey, Paul. You're a much different guy on Celebrity Apprentice

than I've seen you over the years.

A lot softer and actually nicer.

I'm surprised.

What's the real Paul? Tell me, Paul.

That actually is the real Paul.

You know, our show has been on for ten years and you know,

the beginning of the show showed a lot of throwing wrenches

and a lot of bleeps and stuff like that.

And that stuff still goes on sometimes.

But I think that, you know, this show really showed a part of me

that people don't really realise that's really who I am.

Good job, and I think that is who you are too. Very good job.

So, Penn.

You were outstanding, but you had a problem with Clay,

and then he picked you to be in his team. Were you surprised by that?

-No, cos I think he really wanted to win.

-Mm-hm.

HE LAUGHS That's a good answer. OK.

I think he wicked wanted to win.

You think he did a good job?

Yeah, he did a great job.

And the one thing that's true about Clay is

although I don't think our personalities mesh enough

that we can move in together, I think he appreciated

from the beginning that I...I tried to do my best.

Well, you did have a problem, and he had a problem with you,

and then he picks you for the team.

Who do you like? Arsenio or Clay?

-Who do you like me to choose? You tell me.

-I mean, who...?

-Who do you think should win?

-Yeah, yeah.

-I think that Clay should win.

Oh, that's very interesting. Yeah. THEY CHEER

And I think...

He worked, he worked wicked hard and he did,

I think he did a really good job and we did a really good show.

And although Arsenio...

-I think you did a really good job.

-Arsenio's a great friend.

Clay and Arsenio did an outstanding job. Do we agree?

-Yes.

-Great.

-OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is Clay Aiken.

THEY CHEER

-And that, I believe, is Arsenio Hall!

-Yes, indeed.

'Clay and I get on the stage,'

and everybody floods to that area.

'So at this point, I'm getting really nervous.

'But if you want to be the Celebrity Apprentice,

'you have to prove yourself, so...'

HE BREATHES DEEPLY Here we go.

-Arsenio, we're both here for charity.

-Yes.

My charity is the Magic Johnson Foundation.

I've been on board since day one when Earvin Magic Johnson

made his announcement to the public

and became our symbol of this battle.

-Why don't you tell my folks about your charity?

-Well, we...

we work with children at the National Inclusion Project.

And for us, it's a challenge to be able to explain

what it is that the National Inclusion Project does.

So we had the opportunity tonight to put together some awareness ads

to explain to you guys what it is that our organisations do.

Arsenio and I arm wrestled and decided who would go first.

-And he whipped my ass.

-I did.

So, here's our ad for the National Inclusion Project.

'Can you tell which of these children has a disability?

'Neither can they.

'The National Inclusion Project wants to leave

'the disabilities on the sidelines and let all children play together.

'I'm Clay Aiken and we need your help to make it easier for children

'with disabilities to belong.

'Summer camps, after-school programmes,

'we all want to be included,

'children with disabilities and children without disabilities.

'When everyone plays together, everyone has more fun.

'The National Inclusion Project. Let's all play...together.'

THEY CHEER

'This has been a long, long journey.

'The National Inclusion Project is'

an organisation that I started and have worked with

for almost a decade now.

'And being able to teach people about inclusion

'and the benefits of inclusion is extremely important to me.'

And I think at the same time,

it makes it even more important to me to win this.

-You put together an ad too, right?

-Yes indeed, sir.

Magic Johnson Foundation. Check this out, Clay.

'This was me in the '80s.

'This is me in the '80s.

'I'm not proud of my past.

THEY LAUGH

'Fortunately, we got rid of the hair and the clothes from the '80s.

'Unfortunately, we still have AIDS and HIV. Earv?

'Hey, Arsenio. Not a bad pass for a comedian.

'We addressed the health, social, education

'and technology needs of minorities across the country.

'Arsenio, thank you for being my close friend

'and a friend to the Magic Johnson Foundation.'

THEY CHEER

'The bottom line is if Clay were to win'

through some strange happening,

'I'd be happy because he has a wonderful charity

'that he is the founder of.'

But it would make me the second-happiest I can be,

so I can't have it that way.

I'm going to win! I'm going to win!

I have a comedy presentation

for you tonight. Are you ready to laugh?

THEY CHEER

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together.

This is Adam Carolla.

THEY CHEER

Uh, Donald Trump.

People ask me now that I'm doing the Celebrity Apprentice,

"What's Mr Trump really like?"

And I say, "Just imagine Don King but with creepier hair

"and a broken moral compass." And I...

He knows it's for charity, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, let me bring out a couple of our co-stars

from Celebrity Apprentice.

-Over here, we've got Paulie Sr!

-THEY CHEER

And a woman I've barely had the pleasure to work with,

Teresa Giudice. Come on out here.

I met this guy some years ago.

-As a matter of fact, I think I was on your talk show twice.

-Sure, sure.

And both times that I left there,

the thing that came to my mind is, "This guy is a real dick."

THEY LAUGH

Now, when I seen him on The Apprentice.

I don't remember this in rehearsal, Paulie Sr.

And I'm pretty sure I was here.

'You know, it's like,'

I'm not a script guy and you know,

'so I figured that changing it up a little bit would throw him off.

'I thought it would get more laughs'

out of the audience and I think it worked real well.

You guys are so great. But also, give it up for Clay Aiken. Come on!

That is so fantastic!

That we finally have a gay finalist in The Celebrity Apprentice.

When Clay came out of the closet three years ago, I was shocked.

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, please! Who the

-BLEEP

-are we kidding?

-The only thing that's aching is Clay's

-BLEEP.

LAUGHTER

And I have been honoured for the last several weeks

to work for Mr Donald Trump.

And he has the best sense of humour on the planet, it's true.

-When you have

-BLEEP

-hair like it's growing on his head...

Come on, Mr Trump.

What do you say to get a barber to get you that haircut,

-"I

-BLEEP

-your daughter"? Come on!

'My team nailed it, they did great. But...'

Phew! I'm really nervous. I just want to get it over with.

I want to get out there and do my thing.

It's good to see you all.

One more...

Thank you very much.

You see, I love hearing that

because there's some people looking at me like, "I thought he was dead."

You know.

'It was a great crowd'

and it all came back.

'They talk about it's like riding a bike.'

It all came back.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut.

That was my dream, but as I got older, I realised a black man

doesn't want to have to call back to Earth and say,

"Yes, NASA. No, NASA." You know, that's...

LAUGHTER

ARSENIO LAUGHS

Uh-huh, even Clay had to laugh.

That's a good joke, man. That's a good joke.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here.

Thanks for your generosity!

Yeah! We love you!

Goodnight! Goodnight!

CLAY: 'You know, I have a lot of respect for Arsenio already.'

But it was really impressive to watch

'his show and for every strength that I have,

'Arsenio and I are really well matched.

'So I have to really bring it this performance.'

-PENN:

-Clay, ready?

-Yes.

Penn, you ready?

Ready now.

'It's showtime and all the hard work this past 13 weeks

'has amounted to this.

'You know, I've been known as'

Clay Aiken, American Idol runner-up for years now.

'And so, I'm tired of being the runner-up'

and I really don't want to lose.

Go! MUSIC PLAYS

Ladies and gentlemen...

Debbie Gibson and Dee Stiner!

-BOTH:

-# Ooh! Ooh!

# Baby love! My baby love!

# I need you

# Oh, I need you... #

'If you had told me 30 years ago that one day I'd be on stage

'doing steps'

with Debbie Gibson, I would have punched you in the nose.

# Baby! #

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Aubrey O'Day!

# First I was afraid I was petrified

# Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

# And I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong

# And I moved on... #

'As I was performing, when I hit the line about you did me wrong,

'I looked directly at Mr Trump cos everybody knows

'I should have been in the final too and so,'

that was my little musical way of checking Mr Trump!

# I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give

# I will survive

# I will survive

# I will survive. #

Ladies and gentlemen,

my lovely stalker, Penn.

How you doing?

My name is Penn Jillette, this is my partner, Teller.

You know, several years ago,

we travelled all over the world seeing street magic.

'In order to make it variety and not just music,'

Penn and Teller went in and just brought it up a little bit.

'And we did one of the bits that is most requested of Penn and Teller.'

We take the ball, we place it in our hands, we vanish it.

It appears underneath the cup.

But we take that centre ball, place it in the centre cup.

The two side balls, and they still gather again

underneath the centre cup.

And we have three balls over here, I throw them down like that.

Underneath the centre cup, we have a giant ball.

One more giant ball on either side. And of course,

for the finish, it's a potato!

Give it up for Penn and Teller, please!

-And now it's my time to introduce the greatest era of music...

-Yeah.

-My era of music...

-Hit it!

MUSIC PLAYS

# Shake your love

# I just can't shake your love

# Shake your love

# I just can't shake...your love. #

Step aside, kid. Let me show you how it's done.

# We're not gonna take it Come on!

# Oh, no, we ain't going take it

# We're not gonna take it any more. #

Show-off!

-BOTH:

-# Oh, we're not gonna take it any more

# Yeah, yeah! #

Debbie Gibson and Dee Snider.

Good Lord!

This has really been, really been a special experience.

# Now, I've

# Had the time of my life

# No, I've never felt this way before

# Yes, I swear, it's the truth

# And I owe it all to you

# Now, I've had the time of my life

# And I owe it all to you

Woo!

I think I've been underestimated a lot in my life.

'But I will prove people wrong and show them

'that I've got a lot more to me than just singing.

'I do think I'm going to win. I will be the Celebrity Apprentice.'

-ALL:

-# I've had the time of my life

# And I owe it all to you! #

Goodnight. Thank you, guys, so much for coming out.

'It's so much easier'

to face off against someone you don't like, you know?

'But it's Team Clay, and that makes it very hard.

'But in the end,'

I am the Celebrity Apprentice.

-Thank you.

-Welcome back, guys.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Good, thanks.

So, we're coming to an end. It's almost over.

Lisa, what did you think of your project manager?

-What did you think of Arsenio?

-I'll be honest with you.

He was fantastic. He really was.

He let us be ourselves, he let us do our thing.

He gave us free rein, he was really cool.

-He was a good host.

-Really.

-Very professional.

He's done that before, in all fairness.

You did have... He had a little experience at that.

Let me ask you, though, Lisa, didn't you make a contribution to Clay?

-Well, yes, I did. I...

-Did you know about that, Arsenio?

-I heard through the grapevine.

-How do you feel about that?

Well, you know what?

I think for the game it may be unorthodox,

but it shows you who she is.

Clay had really helped me win that 100,000

for the Gay Men's Health Crisis

and also Clay has a special place in my heart

cos he made this so pleasant towards the end.

And I said, "You know what?

"It's the least I could do, from Lisa Lampanelli,

"give him some money."

-How much was your contribution?

-10,000. All right.

-You made a 10,000 Claytribution?

-SHE LAUGHS

-While you were on our team?

-Because, I...

-Adam, how do you feel about that?

-Wow!

-How do you feel about that?

I thought she was going to say it was like, you know, 70.