Getting Medieval The Apprentice USA

This season on the Celebrity Apprentice,

18 of the most well-known stars in the business

descended on New York City.

Master illusionist and Vegas superstar:

Pop icon:

Comedian and internet trailblazer:

I lost my virginity in a Regal.

Miss Universe:

Late night legend:

HE BARKS

Movie star and Grammy Award winner:

Rock star and Twisted Sister frontman:

The funniest woman in America, the queen of mean:

You're fired. You're fired.

Star of American Chopper:

International actress and philanthropist:

Best-selling author and First Daughter of the Mob:

Firing you is going to be very scary for me, Victoria.

IndyCar legend:

The original supermodel:

American Idol superstar:

I have been a runner-up before so I'm going to make sure

-it doesn't happen again.

-Pop star:

The Incredible Hulk:

New Jersey's favourite Housewife:

And television icon, Star Trek's:

Live long and prosper!

Last week, Mr Trump got down to business,

giving the celebrities their first task.

You are going to be running a delicatessen.

The winning team makes the most money in sales and tips.

On the women's team, everyone wanted their voices to be heard.

You guys, I have an idea. Guys.

This was eight people at once doing, like, "Rah-rah-rah-rah-rah!"

But Patricia Velasquez rose above the chatter

and stepped up as the women's first project manager.

On the men's team, project manager Paul Teutul Sr put everything

on the line, promising to bring in the lion's share of the fundraising.

-Half a mil.

-What'd you say?

On the day of the sales, the women's team was a member down.

Was everybody downstairs?

Victoria's not there which doesn't surprise me

cos she doesn't want anyone telling her what to do.

Both teams attracted a crowd.

What is going on out here?

But the women couldn't keep up with demand.

Oh, my God, look at the crowd.

And Debbie Gibson blamed Cheryl Tiegs.

Cheryl, we need to keep moving. Anything. Keep moving.

In the boardroom, Paul's big donor sealed the men's victory.

-The men's team raised a total of 367,120.

-Yeah!

SHE MOUTHS

Left to face Mr Trump, the women turned on each other.

I did feel like Cheryl didn't move as quick as everybody else.

Victoria was an hour late for the task day.

She was on her phone with personal business.

I would check in to my children, as any mother would.

But in the end Mr trump questioned Cheryl's stamina.

Do you feel you have the energy to go on and just kick ass?

I don't know if this is right for me, to be honest with you.

Cheryl, you're fired.

Who do you guys think's going to go?

-Hm, I think it's going to be Cheryl.

-Cheryl.

She just was not as quick as everybody else.

I think Victoria could also step up her game.

She knows everyone's onto her a little bit.

But you know what else, Debbie Gibson? You're very nice

but this whole thing about,

"I didn't make personal calls, only to my kids."

You know what? Don't make 'em to your kids during the day.

Yeah.

Here we are.

Oh, don't worry cos now I know who all y'all are.

-LAUGHTER

-It's on, baby.

This girl and I, it's on.

When Victoria walked back in the room

I was a little scared at first,

if I'm going to be totally real with you.

Cos I said that she did some phone calls, etc,

and did some other things wrong.

You all better watch out.

So, I gotta say a little prayer and hope Victoria won't kill me

in my sleep.

That's fine, it's on, don't worry about it, it's on.

-I just thought it was because...

-It was a gang-up.

-No, no, no.

-Oh, please.

-I didn't gang up.

-It doesn't bother me.

Believe me. Moving forward it's dog eat dog, it's take no prisoners.

Women are different like that cos every last one of yous are bitches.

-You're behaving like bitches.

-No, not at all.

-He asked me...

-You're good people but you're behaving like bitches

when it comes down to it and that's not good.

We're not banding together. We're not. It's going to be tough.

The road... Down the road is going to be real tough.

When you come through something like this you know you have to

watch your back and it's not about friendship,

it's got nothing to do with friendship.

Women will turn on you quicker than a jack rabbit.

OK, no problem. No, in fact, bring it on. Bring it on, I'm ready.

# Money, money, money, money

# Money!

# Money, money, money, money

# Money! #

-BOY:

-Well...he's floating away.

-Besides, it started trying to flap its wings.

-Oh, he did?

I'm the mother of an 11-year-old son

with ALL leukaemia

and he's getting his wish granted today.

You see the leaves, how pretty they are?

-Yeah.

-Gorgeous.

What are we looking at over here?

-Is your name Gabriel?

-Yeah.

-My name's Paul.

-Hi, Paul.

'I'm here to meet Gabriel. He's from California

'and he wanted to see New York'

and I am going to be presenting him

a cheque for the Make-A-Wish foundation.

So, I have an envelope here.

I was able to raise money for the Make-A-Wish foundation

and we have a cheque here

and I'm very proud of this.

-It's for 495,000.

-Wow!

And this money gives the opportunity

for more kids to make their wish also.

Thank you.

That foundation and the kids really touched my heart.

What do they got here?

'And it was an honour for me'

to hand them the cheque for half a million dollars.

'That's a wish come true.'

-There he is right here. See him right here?

-Yeah, I see him.

I would like all the people that get to have a Make-A-Wish

to have a fun time because they had to go through all this hard stuff

that I would do.

They deserve to have a wish, too.

FANFARE

-Good morning.

-ALL: Good morning.

Medieval Times, 40 years, great entertainment - jousting,

knights, all sorts of incredible things.

They've entertained so many millions of people over the years.

Really something exciting.

You will be creating a show for Medieval Times.

But first of all, you know the gentleman on my left.

He is a great, great guy.

James Lipton.

I've wanted to be in his show for years, Inside The Actors Studio.

James, it's great to have you. Do you have anything to say?

Well, you may be wondering why I qualify as an advisor?

It's because I happen to be a knight.

That's what this barrette signifies,

that I'm a Chevalier de l'Ordre des Arts et des Lettres.

I am a knight of the Republic of France.

As a matter of fact, this is my suit of armour.

And my horse is outside.

So if any of you would care to joust...

the gauntlet has been thrown.

I would pay money to see James Lipton stuffed into that

suit of armour. Top dollar.

Don, explain exactly what is the task.

You'll be putting on a 12 to 15-minute show for Medieval Times.

You'll be judged on your creativity and overall presentation

and entertainment value by audience votes, so it's in their hands.

All right, who is your project manager? Please pick.

-The historical diverse knowledge you have of this era...

-Sure!

I think you're the...

Men's Team, who is your project manager?

-I believe it's me, Mr Trump.

-Penn.

I believe I was the best choice because I'm the only one who is...

HE LAUGHS

..who is from show business of that kind,

and doing a show is something I've done before.

OK, ladies, who is your project manager?

-Lisa.

-Lisa.

-Lisa!

-Yeah!

I'm on stage an hour and a half a night all by myself.

I can do a freaking medieval show with a horse and a sword

and seven other broads.

So, you ever hear of Lady Godiva?

She rode nude through the streets.

HE LAUGHS

I'll be honest, Dayana, if you did

-I don't think the men would even do the chore, right?

-No chance.

I will threaten to ride nude for money!

-It'll work.

-That'd be a good story.

-Nice.

Mr Trump mentioned, "Would you get naked?"

And Dayana said, "Yes, I would."

He spoon-fed that to her.

She gotta do it.

Now, Adam will not be with us.

He's agreed to host a wedding at his house in California.

Every once in a while things like this do happen.

The winning team is going to be getting 20,000 for your charity

and we're contributing another, through Medieval Times, 20,000.

So it's 40,000 to the winning project manager.

As always, the losing team will join me in the boardroom

and some celebrity, I'm sorry to say, will be fired.

Let's see what you can do. Showbiz. Good luck, everybody.

OK, listen. Guys, can you all hear us?

Yeah, we're listening.

I think it's a really good idea to be contemporary,

instead of taking some old story like King Lear.

-I agree. You know what I instantly thought...

-OK. OK, you know what?

..possible to do a rock thing.

First of all, this is to everybody - I love you all, you're all great

but there's going to be no interrupting this task.

Lisa has a short fuse.

She's tough. I wouldn't want to be on her bad side.

I had a sentence and a half out and I was already interrupted.

I'm so sorry. It's very hard without the visual.

I thought you had completed the thought.

-Let's just really be conscious of that.

-Great.

OK, Lisa, I had the idea of trying to be able to entertain that much people

-and all ages.

-Dayana, hold on.

-Just let Lisa finish.

How about when somebody's done with their thought you can say,

"I'm done." That way we know.

We do have to make sure that we have something creative and original -

for everyone, 12-year-old kids and adults. But Lisa is not listening.

OK, here's the deal.

Let's take something very current and spoof it in a medieval way.

And what's more current and what's more New Jersey than taking

The Real Housewives concept, doing Real Housewives Of Camelot?

I am one of the stars from The Real Housewives Of New Jersey

and right now one of the hottest shows

on TV is the New Jersey Housewives

so she wanted to make that our theme.

I was honoured because it is about the show that I'm on.

-What if the knight we're all fighting over is Trump?

-Yes.

Oh, my God, I will dress as Donald Trump, if you want to.

Work the hair.

-We'll kick those frickin' fire-breathing

-BLEEP

-in the nuts.

-Well said!

-'We'll talk to you in a few minutes, OK?'

-Bye-bye.

-Bye.

What could be interesting, this Snooki character came forward...

And we go, "Wrong show, bitch."

The poor housewives end up killing each other

and then Snooki's sitting there and she goes,

"Guess it's just you and me."

FANFARE

-You guys got it figured out?

-We got it pretty figured out.

We got some good jokes.

The task this week is to do a 15-minute show

at Medieval Times.

The team that creates the most original,

creative and entertaining show, as determined by audience vote, wins.

-Hello.

-Good morning.

-How are you?

-Good, how are you?

Leigh Cordner. I'm the creative director for Medieval Times.

I made available the best fight choreographers, horse trainers,

sound and light technicians

and knights that the organisation has to offer.

They're going to be standing by to assist you with fight choreography,

working and handling the horses,

-weapons, along with the rest of the team.

-OK.

Medieval Times is like being transported back to times

when there were horses and jousting and kings.

It's a wonderful production in sand in an arena.

I've been to Medieval Times more than I've been to LA strip clubs.

That's a lot!

The key to the success of the show for the last 28 years is action

and excitement.

What we like to do is recreate a moment in history with a nod to,

let's say, modern technology.

I have a question.

They come with their kids, correct?

Yes. They do. They come with their kids.

Children are very visual and our show is very visual.

When the all-ages thing came up I was kind of psyched

cos I wanted to prove to the world myself - cos I'm a dirty comic -

I want to do a whole show that doesn't have a curse in it.

Pleasure meeting you. Good luck.

Just in my mind I took it as a personal challenge -

let's make this thing clean but also funny, which is clearly possible.

Welcome to whatever, Real Housewives Of Camelot.

We bring out one housewife at a time.

Our concept is The Unreal Housewives Of Camelot.

All of us are playing housewives and we're vying for the affection

and attention of "the greatest man in all the land" Mr Trump.

Opens. She's Donald Trump. She comes out on the horse, grandiose.

She gives everyone the set-up of our show which is

The Real Housewives Of Camelot.

We set it up - boardroom, Donald Trump-style -

but with the setting of the Housewives.

-So then the girls...

-I'm sorry, it's so hard, we're frustrated.

We're going to do something like that involving the housewives

and fighting for love...

The Housewives is the biggest show on TV.

It has almost five million viewers.

-Let me finish.

-Let's hear this, guys.

Concept. No side conversations. Let her get it out.

-I might answer your question, just...

-OK.

OK, so over there in this corner, here is Teresa, du-du-du-du-du,

however you want to remix the names, whatever.

'Aubrey was definitely second in command on this task.'

Lisa seemed to defer to her almost a little too much.

So if this is the audience we're playing to, you'd have the table,

we like the table cos Teresa can flip it, she's famous for that.

Dayana, because he had suggested the nude thing,

if we put you in a nude body suit, you're going to be the girl

on the horse that's always the presentation of the new scene.

Are you OK wearing a nude body suit with flowers here and here?

-Don't worry.

-Awesome!

I'll do whatever my project manager assigns me to do

and if my project manager decides that wearing a nude body suit

is a good idea...

..I'll do it.

Tia's a really good actress and so is Patricia.

I should be the whore, she should be the queen.

I think Tia seems more of a whore.

LAUGHTER

I handed out the sexy roles, the glamorous roles, first.

Victoria would be reserved for the hardest job cos you need

a real tough-ass to run lights and sound.

What is Victoria going to do?

Victoria, she could be a stage director cos she's really tough

-and she'll say to that guy...

-Victoria should be queen!

She should be queen.

Why don't you just put me in the closet? Put me in the closet.

'Lisa turned to me and said,'

"I'm giving you one of the most important tasks

"as creative director."

-And I remember thinking to myself, bull

-BLEEP.

-Bull

-BLEEP.

I think everybody had a role except for me. I was left out of it.

This is the way it'll go, in very broad strokes.

It will go, you coming out alone...

-On a horse.

-With maybe some other horses around you.

Then battle between you two.

'The creative is essentially melodrama.'

Two men are fighting for the hand of the same woman.

Maiden enters.

Veil over the face. Hair down and all out.

My eyes look pretty good when they're all made up.

We got Dee Snider in drag and when the boy sees her up close

he decides instead to kill himself -

big and loud and fun.

I have... Listen to me.

I have a bike that has a saddle on it that's all white mesh.

-It's fitting to the tee.

-Perfect.

-It's fitting to the tee.

Perfect use of a motorcycle - it's very Medieval Times!

What I'm trying to do is underline where celebrities are.

I want every Clay Aiken fan to be thrilled about seeing Clay,

so we're having him sing.

I want every Star Trek fan to love seeing George.

I want every Arsenio fan to love seeing Arsenio.

-I'm just going to do this.

-OK.

I'm even uncomfortable with this position.

Arsenio and I will host.

Arsenio has a kind, generous nature.

He's very easy to work with.

It's very easy to look good when you're talking to Arsenio.

Can we put it on hold and possibly think of something else?

LAUGHTER

Hey, how you doing?

I'm very well. And yourself?

-Oops.

-Nice to meet you. I'm Erin.

OK, so what do we get to work with?

You basically have access to this rack here.

Once we decided on the idea

we got to go into the costume room

and there's no girl on Earth that doesn't like to play dress-up.

-That one's good for Teresa.

-Oh, that's great.

-This is perfect.

Patricia and Tia,

do either one of you feel strongly about which one plays the queen?

-I don't care.

-Then you should have more royal...

OVERLAPPING CHATTER

-Patricia...

-She needs a cape.

I need to eat lunch is what I need to do before I pass out.

I was like, "Are you kidding me? Did we not talk about this?"

Patricia... OVERLAPPING CHATTER

You want something that dangles off the horse

-cos it looks really pretty.

-We're going to put this together.

I'm not here to teach you how to not be an interrupting pain in my ass.

-God, you

-BLEEP

-guys, seriously.

It's like I say a sentence

and you THEN break into other conversations.

Don't do it!

You're asking me if you want me to...

No, it's not just you! Come on!

How old are we?!

'Lisa lost it.'

It became like a school class - "You stop, you shut up.

"This is how I manage." I'm sorry, that's not the way to treat people.

She was running the show like a tyrant will do.

So can we do this?

FANFARE

Remember, Clay, it was just last year in 1042...

He should have won but he did not win.

You may remember Ruben Sandwich of Studdard.

LAUGHTER

Hello, how are you, sir?

-Gentlemen.

-'Out of the corner of my eye I say James Lipton.'

James was great because I love James because I watch him on TV

all the time. He's like an icon.

I want to know why I was never invited to The Actors Studio.

LAUGHTER

An oversight!

It was Medieval Times and

James definitely gives off that sort of Shakespearian vibe.

-MIMICKING GEORGE:

-Oh, I'm going into my George Takei.

-How's it going?

-Really well. We're going to have a joust in the middle.

Those two are battling each other.

-He will win the hand of the fair maiden.

-Really?

And we've got a little cross-dressing going on, too,

so it's going to be exciting.

They are using a lot of comedy.

The risk is of being not funny when you want to be funny.

'We'll see how they do.'

So then we can just cross it and, like, grr!

-Go round to the right. And go round to the left.

-OK.

We have Teresa, the table-flipping housewife.

Keeping in mind that it is the audience that votes

who is the winner.

We are giving the people what they want. We're in New Jersey

and what's bigger than The Real Housewives Of New Jersey?

It's just going to bring the house down. We're playing to the crowd.

-I'm pressing charges.

-I'm pressing charges!

Cos that's what she did, she pressed charges.

Yeah. I'll see you in court.

I'll see you in court!

I'll see you in court!

I'm actually performing with real actresses

so I really learned a lot and it was an amazing experience.

What should I say when you're saying that?

Bring it on, wench!

Oh, yeah. That's what I'll say.

Bring it on, wench!

I had to actually learn lines and it's not something I'm used to.

Like, on my show it's a reality TV show, you know,

I don't need to learn lines.

One of us pulls out, like, a chicken cutlet or something.

"I knew those weren't real!"

Or you could dig in and go, "Oh, those are real."

They're real, right?

Yeah, they're real. They're real.

She pulled something off of me, I pull something off her.

They're implants...

-"Spotlight on Trump figure," right?

-Yeah.

We're trying to write the beats of the script down and write dialogue

-and Don Jr shows up.

-Hello, ladies.

Maybe he can answer our question.

-Oh, yeah.

-Is your father going to get offended

by me impersonating him in a wig?

No.

I think the boardroom may get tense but ultimately who wins is

still determined by the people in the audience.

-OK.

-You win them, even if it is too far, you can't get fired for it.

-That's true.

-Do you want to hear what we're doing?

-Let's hear it.

We're having the housewives compete for Donald's love

and it's going to be a fight to the end of who wins Donald.

We have tons of comedy. We're including the elements of Jersey.

we're playing to a more pop-culture, modern idea

-but still including the medieval time.

-OK.

'I think the women's concept's actually great. I think to utilise'

one of the Real Housewives here at Medieval Times in New Jersey

is sort of a no-brainer. But I think people also show up

to Medieval Times for some action. If they can combine the right mix

of the two of those things, they got a pretty good formula going.

-So, where's Victoria?

-At the store, shopping with Dayana. We figure

they both look like they like to spend money. Get them outta here.

There's a little tension, perhaps, with Victoria?

-I assigned actors and performers to play the women in the show.

-Yeah.

Well, PS, the most important job is stage manager,

and she doesn't get how important that is.

There was definitely some tension from Lisa with her and Victoria.

It's always going to be tough to get along with Victoria.

That's a very strong personality. Lisa got a strong personality.

It's going to be an interesting clash eventually.

I have no freakin' patience, so I just go,

"Shopping, for these broads, is much better."

We've got three different size swords, and they're real.

Before we could actually get down to business, we met with

stunt coordinators that teach you sword fighting for the performance.

Yah!

-Yah!

-Be careful.

Pay attention.

With Lou Ferrigno, what you see is what you get.

He's the Hulk, former Mr Universe.

In this task, Lou immediately saw that this is Medieval Times.

There were gladiators. There were fighters. There were knights.

They were powerful men. And he exemplifies the powerful man.

-En garde.

-Yah!

Swing level.

-He scares me, this

-BLEEP

-guy.

I'm going to go after him because, you know, this is a fight.

And we're two macho men.

-Yah!

-OK,

-BLEEP!

And I want to give a good performance. Like David and Goliath.

-Do it slow.

-That's not slow. What the

-BLEEP?

LAUGHTER

Wait a minute.

No, listen to me. I go one, two, three, four. I'm charging.

And then you can back up three steps.

There's more involved in this production than just the fight.

We needed to do other things and Lou wanted to continue practising.

I think Lou would have practised that damn fight for all day.

Now step back.

They get another one in a minute.

We gotta go now.

Sometimes it's difficult to pull Lou out of the narrow scope

that he's looking at and to have him look at the fact

that everybody else has something that's important going on.

SWORD CLANGS

-En garde.

-Strike. Up and over to the right.

Strike.

Strike to the head. Good.

Whoa.

Lisa, Victoria's our director, so maybe she could help you direct us

and everything with who should be doing what. We'd like to have

-Victoria come forward.

-Really, my strong point is not directing.

-OK, so, why don't...

-I just feel like I won't do you a good service.

No, we should take direction from you,

-and you could just... You want to try it?

-What you want to do is...

Listen, if Victoria doesn't think it's her strong point, fine.

Learn how to fight. You too, Tia, then we'll figure that out later.

But let's not waste these guys' time, OK?

For me, you know, I welcome learning new things throughout this process,

so I would have thought maybe Victoria would have been intrigued

by having to kind of learn, on the spot, the stage-direction role,

but she didn't really take to it.

Strike to your opponent's head.

-Good.

-Victoria has her Louis Vuitton bag while she's fighting.

-Are you

-BLEEP

-kidding me?

Victoria had her Louis Vuitton purse slung around her shoulder.

Now, I appreciate a messenger bag.

I wear a messenger bag all the time to cover up my left love handle.

But if there's any clear indication that you're not in the game,

it's carrying your purse while you're carrying a sword.

So I'm like, well, maybe she can help me

look up stuff or write things or something.

Do you want to start writing and I'll look up the Shakespearean...

-Lingo.

-..slang.

-Yeah, if Word will come up.

No, it's not "mid-evil." You've gotta spell it right.

'I look over and she's typing into one of the computers'

"mid" M-I-D,

dash "evil." E-V-I-L.

It's "medieval."

Spell it like it on the paper.

Basically, Victoria's wasting my time.

She can't even handle a simple task like using a computer.

The freaking stationery of Medieval Times is sitting right there

and you can't frickin' copy it. Bitch?

"This season on The Unreal Housewives Of Camelot,

"four ladies shall compete for the love of one man,

"yea, the most powerful man in all the kingdom - Sir Donald of Trump."

'I pretty much did not sleep last night.'

I wanted to be a part of this play. I wanted what everybody else got.

You have eight women, and you have one person that's given

absolutely nothing - no speaking parts, no roles,

no tasks, no nothing.

And I called Lisa this morning and said,

"You know what? Maybe I should go speak to Mr Trump

"and ask to play on the men's team. Maybe then I will be acknowledged,

"won't be invisible, and won't be put in the closet."

Um, Victoria, you're, like, the most important person today, because if

we F up our sound and lights...

Believe me, the guys aren't going to, with Penn in charge.

-So you're the man today.

-OK.

'Victoria said she was going to walk out and join the men's team'

cos she was hurt.

That's still a girl thing, and we're not allowed to be girls in here.

But I said, "You know what? I got to make this Victoria

"be gangster in that booth up there with that lighting guy

"and make it work." Yesterday might have not been a heavy day for you,

-but today's going to be really heavy.

-OK.

-What's up, brother?

-Good to see you, brother.

-This guy's the Hulk.

-How you been?

-How you doing, man?

-I'm Dee.

'When we arrived at Medieval Times,'

we went out to check out Paul Sr's really killer chopper.

Oh, man.

-Yeah!

-Good lord.

You only see the back tyre, which is a 300. It's like this big,

but already you're just like, "Man, this is a cool motorcycle."

ENGINE STARTS

The bike had a medieval theme with swords,

it had axes on it, had chainmail exhaust pipes.

Even the paint job was done like scales on a dragon.

It was so perfectly designed for Medieval Times.

The audience is going to get into this.

Have a nice day.

If we're at 8 to 13

I'll do two with Arsenio.

If we're lower than eight I'll do... Oh, my goodness.

Gentlemen.

Wow.

-You look perfect.

-I am staying in character.

Good, please.

-You're going to stay in it all day?

-I want to get used to it. The train.

George loved that costume.

He wore that costume like a five-year-old

with a Halloween costume they didn't ever want to take off.

Oh, we've got two hours.

The whole idea of a dress rehearsal

is to be able to handle your costume.

And so I think we should all be in our costume, and particularly Dee.

He's riding side-saddle. I hope that that doesn't throw him.

Should we call you Sir George the rest of the day?

You may call me that all the time.

LAUGHTER

Letteth the games begin!

Cue smoke.

Cue light on upper throne.

Up there.

We get into the dress rehearsal.

Victoria took over for a couple run-throughs, and I'm, like,

pretty confident.

I mean, I'm never confident in anybody.

I always think people are going to fall through.

-Lisa?

-Yes.

-One question.

When you move down from that throne up above and you're coming down...

It's on page...

-I have it. I think I have it, as you say...

-Page three.

-"Mr Trump..."

-Do you see it?

Is it where Mr Trump walks to the throne, stands on...

That's out, obviously. Um...

Do you guys have a current script?

That's what we're trying to figure out here.

The page should start, "This damsel has a song in her heart."

No, we don't have a current script. This is the one...

We don't have the current script. Where did that one come from?

Oh, my God. How do you print out the wrong one from the printer?

I don't get it. 'I don't like mistakes.'

God forbid those lights don't come on when they're supposed to

or the trumpets don't sound.

And I'm thinking I really should be the stage director, but I can't.

How much time do we got right now in the arena?

-We have, I believe, 50 minutes.

-OK. We should go right now.

-Well, the guy has to programme the stuff in.

-Let me say something.

I was talking right now, and I wanted to say we should go right now

and just run with it, guys. Lines, lights, and music without us here.

OK, what I was saying is we can't do that because they have to programme

everything right now.

-They asked us for ten minutes.

-Then we won't have time to do that.

'I consider myself a creative person, and Aubrey and Lisa,'

they are not giving me a chance to either

have an opinion, be listened, or do anything else.

And I keep trying to get involved, but they keep pushing me back.

So I'm just going to do my thing on my horse and look pretty,

cos that's all they want me to do, and that'll be it.

-If

-BLEEP

-Dayana doesn't stop complaining about every

-BLEEP

-thing... I can't

-BLEEP

-take her.

Guess what you're good at.

Sitting and looking good. That's it.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Is that great!

-God!

-You're aggressive, you're really aggressive.

-Darth Vader.

I don't like that joke.

Going into the dress rehearsal, I feel very confident.

I think the audience is going to like how we look.

I just can't wait, because I love performing.

Yeah, check one, two. One, two check.

-Is this

-BLEEP

-thing on?

Dee is used to wearing female clothes, professionally,

as Twisted Sister.

But as Lady Dee Dee,

he actually looked lovely.

Completely ready, Dee?

-Completely ready, Penn.

-OK, let's go, Michael!

-Lock and load, rock and roll!

-Ready. Go!

You guys will be up next. The horse comes flying first, though.

Please welcome the greenest knight of land,

the good and...

..incredible...

Sir Lou of Hulk.

-George...

-Enough of this...

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait.

You understand that that line, "enough of these..."

I did it there, which I shouldn't. I should have done that here.

The problem with George not getting his script exactly right

is that I had written into the script very specific cues

for the lighting and sound department,

and they were very reliant on George hitting specific lines.

And now it is time for the final frontier.

-Not yet it isn't! It sure isn't.

-It is not?

-No, it's not.

-Oh, that's right.

-I have a little something I want to do first.

I jump on your act.

Yeah. George is not... Yeah.

-George, you're going to have to follow the script.

-I will.

Even if you have to hold it up, because the lighting...

It just happened there.

No, no, no, no. It's happened like four times.

'I think it was difficult for George to grasp'

we don't need you to get it perfect right now.

We need you to hit the marks so everybody else can do something.

-Are we going again?

-We sure are.

-Good.

-Everybody ready right away.

-All right, we get the leg over.

-Fix the cape on the other side, guys.

-As soon as George starts

-talking again, go for it.

-And now...

-Go, go.

-At last, at last. And now I'm...

-I broke a finger. Aah.

-You all right?

-You OK?

-I may have broken a finger.

# She's broke a nail Oh, how that sucks. #

No - finger. Finger! Finger!

-# She broke a finger Damn, that's worse. #

-Yep.

The horse was acting very skittish

and I lost my balance.

My finger, as I went down, caught underneath the saddle.

Is there a first aid? Find him.

Are we going to get a doctor or something?

Oh, red shirt right there.

No, not that one. Ring.

As I look at my hand, I know my finger's messed up.

And the EMT's telling me that I need to go to a hospital.

I don't know what we're going to do cos if I've got to leave,

we're screwed. It's showtime.

-Oh,

-BLEEP

-yeah.

-You all right, man?

-Not really.

-How's your finger?

-Feels... It's numb.

So I'll go and get it X-rayed.

'I've never had a broken finger. It was pretty excruciating,'

but I am not leaving the show.

I'll worry about it later. I'll go to the hospital later.

I'm ready to get back in the game, in my dress and tiara.

I think you look better as a woman than a man.

If you were on the women's team, you're at least tying a few of them.

LAUGHTER

Are we ready? All right. Let's do it.

My lords, my ladies, welcome to Medieval Times!

CHEERING

How you doing? My name is Penn Jillette

and this is my partner, Arsenio. We are Penn and Arsenio.

And are you ready to have some fun at Medieval Times, huh?!

CHEERING

My partner is used to a silent partner.

-But he's going to let me ask you this one question.

-Tell it! Tell it!

Art my hounds in the castle here tonight?

THEY WHOOP

'This is a cheesy melodrama. 'We stuck with broad comedy.'

I have children, you know, and a minute and a half is all they want

to watch of something.

Light something on fire. Bring out a motorcycle. Now there's horses.

Big and gross and loud and fast and fun.

What kind of chapstick do you use?

I use weapons-grade chap stick.

LAUGHTER

-George, take it away!

-The good and incredible...

Sir Lou of Hulk!

CHEERING

Even though we struggled throughout the dress rehearsals,

when we got down to brass tacks,

George picked up his script and he read from it.

He said, "I'm going to do it this way so that we don't have

-"any mess-ups."

-His adversary...

Sir Paul, the Orange County Senior.

ENGINE ROARS What's that sound?

What's that sound? That's not a horse!

That's not a horse!

Patiently waiting for the battle for her beauteous hand...

Lady Dee Dee

of Twisted Godiva.

Accompanied by her trusty troubadour,

Clay of Aiken!

# He-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-y

# Y-y-y-y-y-yeah, yeah

# Ye-a-a-a-a-ah! #

Our show is not supposed to have any real plot.

We're mostly putting together the fact that it's a celebrity team.

Whether that is the right choice, I don't know, but I hope that

if they like us, they'll like us.

Looks like he's winning! Looks like Lou's winning!

These are incredible athletes! Look at those guys!

His sword is down!

Oh! He threw sand in his eyes! Ah!

He's cut! He's cut! My guy's cut!

Sir Lou of Hulk,

you have won the hand

of the fairest maiden in all the land.

'But the old saying, a man has to do what a man has to do.'

You may now kiss your prize.

What's happening?!

-Oh!

-Lou has killed himself!

-He's down! He killed himself!

-Oh, my!

That's Dee Snider from Twisted Sister!

That's Clay Aiken of American Idol!

'We took a risk in doing the comedic thing,'

but I believe and I'm hoping,

by audience reaction, that it paid off.

But if we were to lose, I think that that could end up being a problem

for Penn, because this was very much a Penn Jillette project.

My name is Penn Jillette! That's Michael Andretti!

Enjoy the rest of the show! Thank you so much!

CHEERING

-OK, everybody get as ready as you can. Get on your horses.

-Here we go.

We were backstage. It was almost showtime.

And at that point, we were as ready as we were ever going to be.

All right, guys, you ready? You have your script, right?

CHEERING

Lights up.

While Dayana is led out on a horse, I had to narrate.

Supposed to wait for the trumpet.

Big trumpet.

And I'm waiting for the trumpet.

And for some reason, like, something's not happening, really.

So I had to create the trumpet sound in my own head cos it wasn't

coming from that freakin' sound booth.

SHE IMITATES FANFARE

Friends and countrymen,

I am Sir Donald of Trump, your king!

CHEERING

I am here with the most fearsome,

awe-inspiring creatures on the planet...

The Unreal Housewives Of Camelot!

Tonight, one of them shall win

the most coveted prize on the planet -

the gift of my love.

'During the performance itself, I caught a look at Don Jr'

out of my eye, and he was laughing and having a good time.

I said, "OK, everything's fine."

Archduchess Autotune,

what do you have that could win this competition for my heart?

# What I do bring is that I sing

# My voice so fair, it fills the air

# You have great h-a-a-a-a-air... #

Silence!

I can take no more.

CHEERING

En garde!

One thing our team really had going for it is the fact that there are

a bunch of beautiful women on the team.

THEY GRUNT

But I apparently used a little more sex appeal than I intended.

I may have showed the audience a little more than I wanted to.

Aah!

CHEERING

The show is super corny.

But Medieval Times audiences love a lot of excitement. They love action.

They're not going to sit bored when women grab swords and are duelling

and doing splits and backflips and stuff like that. There's no way.

Don't call me "honey", honey!

Is "wench" better? Here we go!

You sting me!

I have won the battle. Have I won your heart?

You have kicked some serious booty. However, you are disqualified.

-What?!

-You're fired!

-I can't be fired!

-You're fired!

SHE YELLS

I ended up flipping the table and they loved

that moment on the Real Housewives Of New Jersey.

And when I did it I was really, you know, upset and angry,

and there was, like, a lot of emotions.

So, you know, I felt like a real actress.

Alas, I am alone again.

Wah!

Oh, no! Jersey!

All right.

The character played by Aubrey comes out. It was sort of a spoof

-on the character from the Jersey Shore.

-Oh!

Bet you guys liked that one, huh?

It's iconic to have the Housewives,

iconic to have Jersey Shore references.

We played to Jersey.

Donald, you're my knight in shining armour.

-You're hired!

-Yay!

I'm feeling pretty good about the performance.

We had a bomb-ass script.

We had a really cute theme.

This is going to come down to the overall sentiment of the crowd

and what theme they liked better.

They're the ones who have all the say whether we live or die.

-Hello, Lisa.

-Hi.

-How did you do?

-I think we did really well.

-The finished product was amazing.

-What was the product?

We did a parody of The Real Housewives, so that was called

The Unreal Housewives Of Camelot. And we based it upon our own best

natural resource on our team, little Miss Teresa,

who is a Real Housewife of New Jersey.

-That's true. Any nudity?

-Absolutely.

-Who?

-Oh, well, come on. Please. Dayana.

Well, it could be almost anybody on this team.

Tia wasn't afraid to shake it when she came in on the horse.

She looked quite good. They all looked fetching, I must say.

-They really did. They were all gorgeous.

-We all showed boobies.

-Yeah. There were some boobies hanging out.

-That sells.

-It does.

-You think you won?

You know what? I learned last week, never underestimate your opponent.

Because honestly, who would have thought Paul would have a friend

with 300 grand? He can't even buy shirt sleeves. So you know what?

LAUGHTER

I figure, you know what? You can never say in this business.

-That's good.

-We're confident but not cocky.

-OK, good.

Victoria, what did you think of Lisa as project manager?

I think she was on... She's strict.

She is strict. She is strict.

-And, um, you know...

-Was she a good leader?

-Yeah.

-Did you agree with her ideas?

Well, it was different because I had different roles...

-Doesn't sound like a great endorsement.

-I know!

-No, no, no, no,

no, no. No, no, not at all. Not at all.

Um, I had a different role, so it didn't really matter at that point,

but everybody else seemed to, and she was, you know...

They all got great vibes from her and it worked. It all gelled.

Now, there was some tension between you and Lisa early on, Victoria.

Can you talk a little bit about that and what happened?

Um...

Where should we start? Where should we start?

Well, um, in the beginning of day one, it's rushed,

it's crazy, and the first thing I did was pick out which women

should play roles, acting roles.

And we'd be crazy not to put into the acting roles people who have

acted and who are serious performers.

We needed a singer, so that's Debbie. We picked actresses. That's fine.

And I think Victoria felt pushed aside, even though I literally...

By Lisa?

-I literally had chosen her to be stage manager.

-Victoria, by Lisa?

I felt that, like, everybody had a costume and a position

in that play and out on that stage, and I did not have anything,

any task, anything to do.

And I was really hurt. I was disappointed

cos I felt it wasn't setting a good precedent or atmosphere

for the other girls.

I almost felt like it was saying that, you know, I didn't matter.

So you're not one 100% happy.

-That's why you gave me the answer you gave me before.

-No. Uh, no.

I think she did a fabulous job. Not at all.

-We had our, you know...but we're square and...

-OK. Fine.

-So, Teresa, you played a housewife.

-Mm-hm.

Very appropriate, especially in New Jersey. So, how did that work out?

Um, you know what?

It was a challenge for me, because I had to play parts that on my show

when I, you know, what actually happened had, you know,

a lot of feelings behind it. I was angry. I was upset.

So, I had to remember those emotions and act on them.

-Aubrey, how did she do?

-She's great.

-You like her?

-Yes, I love her.

-She's different than I watched on television.

-Mm-hm.

I see her on the show, and it looks like the real deal, but so far,

-you're different.

-I only attack when I'm attacked.

-And you do attack when you're attacked.

-Yes.

-You certainly do.

-May I say something?

-Yes. Go ahead.

When I was asked to do this, I was very pleased,

especially when I heard the theme. I was extremely pleased,

and also because I have considerable affection for Donald.

But I always thought when I watched the show that this is a kind of

a playful gig, a show. You know, what you do in your off time

and that it was a casual - it isn't.

-No!

-There is nothing casual about it.

And what impressed me most was the conscientiousness,

the sincerity, and the fervour of all of you. I didn't expect that.

It was a total surprise. And I must say it made me respect this show

and it made me respect all of you people. Hats off to all of you.

-VARIOUS:

-Thank you!

And by the way, I really think that's a great comment, and it's

appropriate, and I think you've done an amazing job.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-OK.

-Dee, are you OK?

-Sort of. Yeah.

-I know you hurt your finger pretty badly.

-Yeah.

-How is it?

-Um, it's severely fractured.

-It is severely fractured.

-That's what I heard.

-I need to get a pin put in probably on Monday.

-Wow.

-You didn't count on that, huh?

-No, I didn't.

And then if you get fired tonight, that would be even worse.

Keep that in mind when you're considering that.

"We got good news and bad news, Dee.

"Surgery won't be a problem cos you won't be here."

No, that's called bad news and bad news. So, how is it?

Was it very painful when it happened?

Uh, it was pretty surreal when it happened.

When I came off the horse I looked

-and my finger was at a 45-degree angle.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-So, uh... Did you see this happen, Paul?

-No.

-Did anybody see it happen?

-I did.

-What did you think, George?

I was on the platform when Lady Dee Dee came out on her horse,

-and then suddenly...

-Oh.

..the horse reared and Dee slipped.

-Was it the horse's fault, would you say?

-No, no, no.

The horse heard something it wasn't familiar with.

-It was a tambourine.

-Oh. Who did that? Who was with the tambourine?

-That was me. That was me.

-He may have to sue you.

-The inside job!

-He may have to sue you.

-I bought the tambourine! So I did myself in.

Of course.

-So, the horse got spooked.

-It got spooked. And they taped it.

-So, did you perform even though you had a broken finger?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

-They just taped it.

-That's pretty good.

-So, that shows courage, Paul, right?

-Absolutely.

So, he had a broken finger, pretty badly.

-It's fractured, actually, right?

-Yeah, it snapped at the base.

-Wow.

-So, they think I may need a pin.

-Wow.

-Well, I hope you don't.

Don't listen to the doctor. Just let it heal. All right.

Paul, how did you like Penn as the project manager?

-Phenomenal.

-Whoa, that's a big statement. Michael?

-I totally agree.

-Why? Why, Michael?

-He was a leader.

I mean, he had control from the moment he took...

People are respecting this man.

-They're all respecting him.

-He's a great guy.

He's going to drop his partner pretty soon.

-You know, he's going to say, like, uh...

-It's already been announced in

-the Vegas papers that we've split up.

-No, no, I can see it.

Lou, what did you think of Penn?

-What did you think of your project manager?

-Excellent.

Very informative, a good leader. And we gave 110%, whatever he said.

-And the guy was great.

-Who is your star, Lou? Who do you think...

You have a group of eight great guys, including yourself.

-Who is your star?

-I would say the team was the star.

Was there any one person that was fabulous?

-It's hard to say, because...

-Really the project manager..

-He's a renaissance man with so many talents.

-Yeah.

A take-charge guy with great ideas.

And still, he's humble.

-Hey, hey, hey, now, wait a minute. Humble?

-Humble. Yes.

-Do you think you're humble?

-Uh, I have plenty to be humble about.

-Did you enjoy being project manager?

-Uh, yeah.

-Not easy, though, right?

No, it's not particularly easy, although this is a group that needs

no strong control.

You pretty much say something once, and it is done.

-That'll change. You know that.

-OK.

As you get to know each other and as you start to lose, that will change.

I can't see the future, but so far it's great.

All right, well, we'll see what happens. Now, let me ask you this.

If you lose, who are you going to bring back?

-I think I respect you enough not to dodge that question.

-Go ahead.

I'll say very quickly that no-one should come back. Everyone was great.

So you think if you lose you're just going to bring yourself back?

I do not think so. I'll play by the rules.

-Cos that would mean you'd get fired.

-Yeah, I know.

-And you don't want to do that.

-I'm not going to do that. No.

OK. So, who would you bring back?

Uh...

-..that would be Mr Ferrigno and Mr Takei.

-Ooh. Whoa.

Lou and George.

-Yes.

-I see. And why is that?

Because they are such phenomenal actors and such good stars,

and I'm not sure that every challenge we do will use those features,

and other people seem to be, uh...

have talents that I don't know about yet and may be more versatile.

Lou, what do you think of what Penn said?

I was a little bit surprised with your name and George's name,

to be honest. What do you think?

I think it was unfair he underestimated me

-because I feel I gave 110%.

-He certainly did.

Wait a minute. And I feel that...

You see, I came from nothing.

I killed myself my whole life. There's nothing I can't do.

And I give 110%.

-I feel it's an insult to all of us.

-It is. It is. I'm sorry about that.

You can say whatever you want.

-I will.

-You play a power trip on me and everyone. It's a power trip.

Penn has the impression because we're actors, George and I,

he doesn't realise that we have better work ethic, and I could

work twice as hard as he did. But he's wrong when he said

basically he's favouring the other people because he feels that

the fact that we don't know enough about business.

But one thing about myself I learned as I go along, I give 110%

-as a team effort, and I think you're wrong.

-I am.

-Yeah.

-I am wrong.

-Yeah.

It's an impossible choice to make,

-and I had to make it, and I did say...

-So will you take that back?

I would... I cannot take it back.

So you wouldn't take it back, so therefore you're not wrong.

-So you shouldn't say you're wrong.

-I, I, I...

-Ha!

He's saying, "I gave up millions of dollars to be abused like this."

I'm not being abused at all.

Ha! Clay?

What he said breaks my heart and he did a perfect job and he...

I still don't understand. Why did you bring him back?

Because you ask me who I would bring back if I had to.

I didn't think I was going to have to.

I think we have a very good chance of winning this.

And if we win, I'm sure Lou will be a complete team player.

-I'm sure he will completely forgive me.

-Lou, are you upset with him?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-Because he's not giving me a chance and giving George and I

a chance because he's wrong, because he feels

that, as actors, like, we're inferior.

He's a fabulous actor and a fabulous star

and I enjoyed every moment of it.

The Incredible Hunk!

Did you just say "The Incredible Hunk"?

Yeah, yeah!

Cos I heard that...

No, I said, "The Incredible Hulk", all right? Hulk!

I think you had a Freudian slip there.

No, but that was such a huge show.

But there is something beyond the body.

It had to do with the science, it had to do with the psychology.

And the truth, that's why I'm sorry for saying this, because I'm honest.

-I know.

-I'll say it right to your face. I'm not one of those guys

-BLEEP

-around pretending everything's all right.

-I know.

You're wrong because, for me, I work twice as hard as you do.

Lou, you can beat the crap out of him if you want. Are you concerned that he's a big guy?

-No.

-Not too much, right?

-I'm not a big guy.

I'm also a coward, so that makes it a little easier.

Yeah, but I just thought Lou's response was very strong.

So, tell me, George, what did you think of what Penn said about you?

-He picked you and Lou.

-My sense is different from Lou's.

-Go ahead.

-I, my admiration and respect for Penn

just grows and grows.

First of all, he's got a painfully difficult decision to make.

I agree. Do you think your team won?

-I am absolutely confident...

-Cos then it doesn't matter.

..this is a hypothetical question you're asking.

I thought he did as good a job...

Look, I'm demanding that he give me two.

So it's not like, "Oh, I'm not going to name them now, Mr Trump",

because then he probably gets fired, right? So I'm demanding.

I thought he did as nice a job, Lou, in all fairness,

as you possibly can do.

Me, I underlined that neither of them did anything wrong

and there were no mistakes whatsoever.

And it was a difficult hypothetical.

And I do think we'll win, and I hope,

if and when we win, that they'll be able to forgive me and move on.

OK. So, Arsenio, if you were me and your team loses, who would you fire?

-I don't think we're going to lose.

-That's OK.

But if we lose, fire the guy that created it and ran the whole show.

So you fire the project manager.

-Yeah, fire Spielberg with the ponytail over there.

-LAUGHTER

-How about we will fire the guy that fell off the horse?

-No!

Fire the guy with the tambourine!

LAUGHTER

I just love firing Dee because, look,

he broke his finger badly and then we fire him.

It's just a horrible night, right?

You know, just, it's life. Like that.

So, Lisa, if your team loses, tell me, who are you going to bring back?

This is hard, as it always is.

I'm a little bit on the fence about a couple of people.

Um, the one definitely going back is Victoria

because she let her emotions get in the way.

-She didn't wait for her assignment, which...

-Second time in a row.

Well, it was... To me, I run shows.

The most important job is stage director.

So I thought it would be great to grab the toughest

woman on the team, who could give orders...

And you think the toughest woman is who?

-Victoria.

-And you still believe she's the toughest woman?

-Um...

-What about Teresa? I've seen her. She's pretty tough.

Teresa was already in the show. She couldn't be the stage manager.

Were you happy with Teresa?

Oh, my God. I loved it. She was phenomenal.

You're doing very well, Teresa. I'm telling you, your career is over.

Yeah, so, because of various things, discipline and threats to quit the team etc...

-OK.

-..I'd bring back Victoria.

-Did Victoria threaten the team?

She didn't threaten the team, she threatened to quit the team.

And I thought that was inappropriate.

I asked her to be stage manager and her initial response was,

"I don't do that well."

-That's not true.

-Were there other people that saw that?

-Yes, a whole table full of people.

-Who's telling the truth?

Aubrey, you nodded, so...

Victoria did say that she didn't want to be director.

And she didn't feel that was where she was best placed.

I said, "I don't know what to do, if you'll tell me.

-You look very good tonight, Aubrey.

-Thank you.

-I have to say.

Do you mind if I say it here? Is that sexist?

I finally get a "pretty girl" comment?

-Yes!

-Penn, is that sexist?

I think, by definition, yes, but not necessarily wrong.

All right, well, OK.

So, Lisa, you're not a big fan of Victoria and the job she did, right?

As far as Victoria is concerned, the fact is,

I saved the toughest job for her and

yet she emotionally felt left out, and it's not my job to babysit you.

It's not my job to be coddling you. I like you as a person.

We'll hang out after we all leave this place,

but don't expect me to be your mother.

Whoa! Tough statement.

That was very tough. So you say Victoria. Who else?

-I felt, um, with Dayana, she didn't seem to have...

-Dayana?!

-..she, as a team player...

-Whoa! Dayana?!

..she didn't seem to have the skill set that it required to do

-anything in additional to shopping and general tasks.

-Whoa!

It's really funny, because I kept trying to give opinions

and nobody ever heard me, and I tried to keep my hands

as busy as possible, but she never allowed me to.

I was just told to be pretty on a horse.

-Can I say something?

-Go ahead.

I wanted to say before, you know, you announce,

and I think, if the other girls can give their opinion also, it was very

clear for us that, if we were to lose, it was because of the concept.

-And most of the people...

-And who came up with the concept?

-Two people came with the concept.

-Who?

The project manager and it was Aubrey.

Oh, Aubrey, you're going to get fired tonight.

-That's absolutely not true.

-I came up with the concept.

-You did?

And if that is the problem with the performance...

-But, bigger than that, everyone agreed with her.

-Excuse me.

-The second I mentioned the concept...

-Fangs coming out!

..there was a unanimous, "Oh, my God, that's great, using our natural resource of Teresa."

She loved the idea.

We never did. We never did.

When I got there that day, first of all, we had no say in that concept.

There were only two leaders. And I don't need a mother, by the way.

I don't need mothering from, certainly not you.

You did this week.

Mr Trump, she had a few meltdowns. It was a big nightmare.

-I did not care...

-Meltdown is threatening to quit the team.

Quitting the team, I said, "Perhaps, I have no task here.

"I don't belong here. Perhaps I should go play for the men."

-That's what I said, Lisa, and you know that.

-Here's the thing.

The theme of what's happening here is kind of what's happened in this task.

If you notice, there's five of us not saying much.

-What did happen was...

-Just one second. One more thing.

The creative director, by the way, in the end, was not me, Mr Trump.

It was given to Aubrey, OK?

It wasn't creative, it was stage.

It was given to Aubrey, and when I went back there...

Aubrey, are you two holding hands?

-Yeah.

-Why?

Because I think, of the two reality stars of this group,

we are saying the least. I think it's just so catty.

I hate all the, "Oh, I love you, girl, you're so great."

Then in the boardroom it's, "She, she, she," and "That, that, that."

You know I've seen that happen before.