Episode 8 The Apprentice: You're Fired

This was mayhem. That doesn't look good.

It is not rocket science.

Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.

Bloody clueless. You failed.

You're fired.

You're fired. You're fired.

He's gone. They've killed Bambi.

Stop the clocks, he was my north, my south, my east, my west.

It's a historic and tragic event.

For the first time in Apprentice history, a project manager has...

..abdicated!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In an event that will echo down through the ages,

we commemorate with a very sombre edition of The Apprentice: You're Fired.

Joining me to get to the bottom of an event which has shaken us to the core,

tonight's panel, advertising entrepreneur, Dave Buonaguidi.

Bestselling author, Marian Keyes.

And comedian Mark Watson. Welcome to You're Fired.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Tonight's task of creating an advertising campaign for a dating website

led to one candidate being stood down by Lord Sugar.

Jason, you are an academic.

You've come here to chance your arm,

but I'm afraid to say that it's the end of the road, really.

With regret, you are fired from this process.

Thank you very much.

Please welcome Jason Leech.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

CHEERING CONTINUES

If they carry on, I'm going to have to hide under the table.

Are you scared now? How do you feel?

Are you bereft, forlorn, dolorous?

How do you feel at such a time?

I think a plain and simple word, relieved.

It was very nice whilst it lasted,

but I think I'd reached that stage where I was ready to go, actually.

But was it traumatic, the experience? Was it difficult?

By which I mean, the abdication, handing over the throne?

I think it was as very difficult time because it was dreadfully,

dreadfully serious.

And you have to think, what do you do when you're in that position?

What do you do for the best of the team?

The question is, when it comes to Friendships and Flowers,

were the women and children saved?

Well, in Luisa's hands, they were, by the end of it.

Let us note the historic precedent here,

the first ever project manager to relinquish his crown.

Why did you give up the project manager's position?

If I were in charge of a sinking ship,

my first concern would be the women and children.

OK. All right!

The team and the victory is the first and most important thing

and I think that Luisa does have that commanding voice.

-You can't change a project manager.

-No.

-Yes, you can.

Am I actually hearing this?

-I would like to be project manager.

-I am in a nest of vipers.

Everybody here has blood on their lips.

-I took the courageous decision to make sure...

-That's courageous?!

-I think that courage comes in many forms.

-Jason, I think you've lost it.

Luisa, you're project manager from here on in.

Congratulations, because this is THE first time

we've had an abdication of a project manager

in all the years that I've been in this boardroom.

Total bloody mess.

But there was peace in our time afterwards, wasn't there?

You did achieve that, yes. But you were Mr Cupid in Oxford

and you'd set up a dating website before.

I didn't set it up myself, I ran the Oxford part of it.

It was the second largest organisation in the whole university.

We had thousands of members, it was very successful.

So it seems automatic that somebody who has experience of these things

should be dropped right into that sort of position of leadership.

And then you're lulled into this false sense of security

and the stress of the whole process starts to rip you apart.

You didn't sound as you were being lulled. At no point was what was

going on between you and Luisa having a lulling effect(!)

You were there, Dave. You saw the presentation and the work they were doing.

Were you shocked by the events of tonight's show?

The row when you walked through

the centre of the office, I remember seeing that.

Was that the talk of the office?

Business stopped for about three weeks.

It's interesting because obviously modern business tries to be

very collaborative and I think it's the first time

I've seen a row in public in our office before.

-So it was quite weird.

-Marian, what did you feel?

Jason, I love you.

And these are sad times that we live in.

But I thought it was incredibly noble of you

and it was an audacious decision, you know, ultimately it was.

It could even have paid off. So I think fair play to you.

If we had carried on with the same setup,

where you have Luisa on the one hand, Neil on the other,

and me bearing the barrage of both, the whole ship would have sunk -

women, children, dogs... The lot.

Down at the bottom there would be a salvage operation to find

-whatever was left.

-Mark, do you think it was a noble act?

Like everyone here,

I was crushed by the events we saw.

But I think the funny thing is I did agree, it was noble,

it was done, as Luisa said, for the greater good.

She said it about herself though.

You did the noble thing, but if you hadn't jumped,

there was a pair of hands ready to push you at any point.

And happily ready to push you.

I decided that it would be better that Luisa take over.

No, that wasn't how it happened.

You buckled under the pressure on the first day, gave up.

I'll tell you what happened, because I was there.

-Luisa nipped at his heels like a little terrier.

-All the time.

Nipping the heels of a bewildered sheep.

And you drove him into a corner.

We have to make a decision and go with it.

-Do we want to change the grey?

-We really have to make a decision.

Are you going to go with this?

It was the most disgraceful display of bad manners

I've seen in many a long day.

If we spend all day like this,

we'll get absolutely nothing done. Make a decision.

Make a decision and stick with it.

That's what worries me about you.

You browbeat this fellow. I can see how you wore him down.

You are not going to

wear me down, I promise you.

I feel exhausted just watching it.

If at any point you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, I'll understand.

By the way, the colours you chose didn't look much different.

You spent 45 minutes veering between really similar colours for a logo.

Luisa wasn't letting me veer very far.

It was, we want the funereal... "Listen, it's the over-50s,

"they are ready to die.

"We need to make it either black and white or just some purple,

"really deep purple. That's it, Jason. Do you get it?"

If this were a case where Luisa and I could focus together,

and come up with an idea, it would have happened

and it would have happened fast and well.

I think this is what's important about creative decisions,

that you take a little bit more time perhaps and nail it, make it right,

because if you get the idea right from the very beginning,

then it will carry you through and everything will unfold in place perfectly.

You had to get to a web design company and it left you

with a website that, with the best will in the world, looked like that.

And, you know...

John sounds like a great guy.

There he is. Oh, yeah, he has found love.

Why is he on the website if he has found love?

Antique collecting, yes, like old coffins and whatnot.

I like that his motto in life is "No regrets".

Oh, he drives as well, which is very important for people in their 50s

that they have a clean licence, for some reason.

One would be surprised that he CAN drive, being over 50.

-These are the things.

-According to some judgments.

Marian, how did Luisa come across in this?

Well, I took against Luisa weeks ago,

which did the "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

There are ways she could have handled it.

She could have not made it so public and made a show of the pair of you.

She could have quietly said please. You now, "Can we not just..."

Instead of this constant, incessant wearing you down.

So, no, it was poor, very poor.

Do you agree with that?

Yes, I have to say I think she behaved pretty bad.

The whole team dynamic needs everybody to pull together

and back each other up, and I think you did faff

and I don't agree with you when you're talking about

sometimes you need to take time to make decisions.

When you've got a certain amount of time, you have to hit those targets.

You were two hours late for a meeting.

As an entrepreneur, two hours late messed you up for everything else,

it's pretty unacceptable.

But she could have been a lot more supportive,

but you could have pushed back. But you collapsed under it, really.

Luisa is a very able person, she really is.

I think there are times when she's very nice

and by the end, when we hugged, it was a very genuine thing.

Your relationship with Luisa has at times seemed like a very long marriage.

At times it was difficult to know whether you love or hate each other.

-Oh, thanks.

-A pleasure, my dear.

I love Jason to bits. I can't listen to you speak any more, Jason.

Put little earplugs in your ears, have a snooze and I will carry on.

-Shall we get some pink napkins, Jason?

-Yes.

-They are red, babe.

The theme is pink and this is red.

-Look, this is pink.

-No, Jason, this is hot pink.

-Oh, my God, are you going to be sick, babe?

-I'm fine.

-Jason, squat.

-OK.

-Ready? Let's do it.

She's a very vibrant, glamorous individual.

SHE SNORTS

Let's please get that grunting!

HE SNORTS

She has wonderful, lovable aspects to her.

It's very true, I don't want to take any of that away from her,

-definitely not.

-What a gent. What a gent!

It's true, I really can't lie. It's very hard for me.

-You are beautiful.

-No, no, but it's true.

-What were you thinking?

-It's like digging this huge pit for myself

and all I see is niceness at the bottom of it.

It's just like having your belly tickled.

What a nice picture. Fantastic.

We are going to enjoy the work of the fantastic advertisement

for Friendship and Flowers.

'Friendship and Flowers, the perfect way to meet new people

'and share your interests with budding friends.

'Whether you are looking for friendship or romance,

'our easy-to-use website dedicated to the over-50s,

'is a perfect way to let friendships grow roots and romance blossom.'

-Who would have thought Friendship...

-..and Flowers...

..could have brought us together?

I found friendship and romance.

Join today for a one-month free trial.

OK, you said it was flawless at the time, the exact words you used.

FLOOR-less with a double O and an R.

Where you drop straight through the floor and the noose grabs you

and your head disconnects and you're just left...

To be fair, I thought it did have a certain grace,

it did have a movement, a pace.

It did work, I think, quite well by comparison to the other advert.

It was that particular wink, though, which...

Did we find out why the wink didn't work?

No offence to the lady in question.

I know this was Francesca's idea

and she pushed her to randomly choose an eye, and throw us

cos you'd think it would be one eye, then it was the other eye.

It was surprising because she turned.

It's got to be this eye. No, that eye.

That completely threw me. It was the wrong eye.

It was all so civilised and they were so nice to each other,

but then what's the link for, are they going to have sex?

-I...

-Whichever eye it is,

-normally insinuates something good is going to happen.

-It does, yes.

It might originally have been two adverts,

one for before the watershed and one for a very, very afterwards

on the XXX Channel which you had to pay...

far too much for.

Was there another F that comes after Friendship and Flowers?

You see the progression of it.

It would be impossible to see how this would be.

Taking your time signing up for Friendship and Flowers.

Well, you see, your idea, your concept, was absolutely wonderful

because 50 is the new 29 and you knew about 50s being vibrant.

I'm going to be 50 in a couple of months,

and the people who were on the ad looked like they'd been embalmed.

There was nothing for me to identify with.

The focus group people were noticeably ready to die -

as you said yourself.

As you were saying, "A one-month trial?

"I don't think I'll need that."

You know, I felt like that set an unhealthy precedent.

It wasn't Jason's fault that for the rest of the episode,

everyone's talked as if over 50s were a different species.

Francesca said, "We don't know these people, we don't know what they do.

"Do they have clothes like normal people? Do they go on holiday?" Over 50 is not that old.

I think we had a totally different idea, we were

going down a totally different path before the market research came in.

It would have been interesting to give them insights into what

is the difference between your brand and anybody else's brand.

Why would they go there instead of anybody else's?

You didn't go with insights, you just went there with ideas.

That's a different thing.

My problem really was, if you are trained as a historian,

you can't ignore the facts, and I saw market research as hard evidence.

I thought, if the hard evidence is telling you this,

you can't avoid it, there's no alternative.

Gut instinct in a sense is making it up as you go along

and maybe there is much more of that in business and advertising,

where you can even second-guess

and come up with something which is trendsetting and avant-garde.

-But I'm hardwired to say no, no, no.

-Yes, but you are an academic.

-He makes stuff up professionally for a living.

-I lie.

-He lies all the time.

He could be lying right now about lying for a living, we don't know.

He's a strange man to bring on cos he could just make up stuff.

I don't even know if that's his real name.

I wouldn't choose a name like that if it wasn't...

Yes, who'd want to be Buonaguidi? But it sounds cool. I see what you did. Nice.

OK. Jason, your finest hour came

last week when you rose to the selling challenge impeccably.

They sold three of the folding campers.

Can you send Jason back in, please?

Could you go back into the boardroom, Jason?

LAUGHTER

Don't have such a worried look on your face, Jason.

I forgot to say, one of those sales was down to you. Well done.

-I hope to keep impressing you.

-OK.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

APPLAUSE

-Delightful, wasn't it?

-It was the best moment ever.

And it just goes to show, you know,

you are the master of the soft sell, the gently, gently approach.

You don't have the killer instinct and that's lovely.

That's something to be applauded. And you still sold a campervan.

I mean, he was...

Particularly, by the way, we did notice the, "Score."

She was lovely. She was lovely. She whispered sweet nothings in my ear.

-I was enchanted.

-You were away. Yeah.

-I was away.

You, you were away and a half there.

I hope she bumps into me again.

Ooh!

LAUGHTER

-We had... We had a whale of a time.

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

-A whale of a time.

-Would you start with friendship

and then move on to flowers?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Have you enjoyed your journey with Jason?

-I think he's been brilliant.

I think he's got real character.

I think you've got lots of integrity.

I think you could have done a lot more to help yourself

-but I think you are a thoroughly decent chap.

-Very kind. Thank you.

You are the human equivalent of a scented candle.

LAUGHTER

You may not be entirely useful but you make everything seem lovely.

LAUGHTER

Jason, let's hear what Lord Sugar

and some of your former colleagues have to say about you.

I was shocked by Jason's decision

to abdicate as project manager.

This was the chance for Jason to really prove himself

and build on the success

of selling a caravan in the previous week.

But he allowed himself to be browbeaten and threw in the towel.

When someone tells you that they have got the expertise

and they have practically done this, why wouldn't you back them?

He couldn't handle the pressure.

He was weak in his decision-making and he is poor overall.

This process is about giving a wide range of people

the opportunity of proving they can be an entrepreneur

but Jason had too much to learn and, although he is

an awfully nice fellow, that's why I fired him.

Lord Sugar clearly likes you.

He didn't necessarily want to invest the money into you.

I mean, what was your business plan?

You know, is it property that you are in?

What I pitched was a property consultancy.

I mean, what I wanted to do was create a one-stop shop where

anybody walks in and they have...

Whatever issue that they have with property -

they want to move home, they want to move country,

they want a buy-to-let, they want to renovate,

whatever it is they want to do - they just go to one place and it is

all sorted, simple, effortlessly, without any stress whatsoever.

We have been speculating for weeks

that it was going to be something really horrible.

Like you own a mine of blood diamonds and are you really...

LAUGHTER

Well, that was actually the original idea.

But somebody said, "Do you know what?

"Small children, they haven't got their nails yet.

"They have got to grow older."

And I thought it, "Well, you can't wait too long, really.

"Let's do something different. Property, yeah."

OK, we are going to have a look at the winning team now.

When it came to the photos,

Leah seemed a little reluctant to give it her all.

-What are we going to do for a shot?

-I don't know. We need a man.

We have to do you looking lovingly into a man's eyes.

The full Romeo and Juliet, yeah?

How about we get someone to take a photo of me and you?

No, Myles, we need someone who looks younger.

LAUGHTER

So, just like really happy, really jubilant.

So exciting and brilliant and everything is going great.

You're so funny.

-Right, maybe if you could put your arms on his shoulders.

-Like this?

As if you are sort of going to kiss him.

Not like you are allergic to him.

Could you look a bit more wooden(?)

What?

LAUGHTER

You were wonderful.

-That one, you are like this.

-I thought it was really natural.

It's like he smelt of poo or something.

Leah looking giddy. Not how we normally see her.

Did she do well in this task?

I think she was very good at that kind of process stuff.

I think what she lacks is, obviously as she showed there,

-being empathetic and emotional.

-And Mr Monaco, Myles?

Ah, he's fantastic.

I mean, there is so much to dislike about him, you know.

There is the tan, there is the Monaco-ness, you know.

There is the 39-year-old-ness.

I think it'll be many, many years

before he celebrates his 40th birthday.

But yet he does the job and he is likeable

-and he is slick without being oily.

-That's very true. But how...?

-I think he is one of the most investable characters.

-Leah?

Leah, I think, is very able as well

and I think Leah will go far in whatever she does.

I think she has got

a very interesting business proposition as well.

OK. Well, Jordan said something we weren't expecting to hear.

Jordan finally revealed the inner pain that drives him.

I am a woman who works really long hours in the City

and I don't want to have to go out to a bar and sit there

and wait for men to come and talk to me.

I want to be able to go onto a website

and choose the people I want to interact with

because I am a strong, sexually liberated and high-powered woman.

Marian, please tell me, as the only woman on the panel here,

did that speak to you on a profound level? No. OK.

He's won seven out of eight tasks.

I thought he did very well getting out of your team.

I mean, he had a real result there. But, in a way, he did really well.

Whether he delegated or not,

he got everybody to do what they needed to do and he won.

He is a very safe pair of hands. Very, very safe pair of hands.

Alex. Alex. Oi!

Alex, as ever, was keen to offer

what we call in the industry a strong visual.

You have to show someone turning up who doesn't look like you

thought they would like and they act and they're just really annoying.

-We have got Alex on our team.

-Would he be the bad date?

He is brilliant for that. He is literally made for that role.

-I just don't... I don't know.

-He is the Welsh Mr Bean.

MUSIC: "Romeo" by Petula Clark

Do you want a bit of this?

I'm Herbert.

# Why am I so in love with you?

# Are you mine...? #

HE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY

# ..Or only my Romeo? #

I'm supposed to be a scary thing

so if it scaring people, it's working.

-Don't... Don't scare the kids.

-Morning.

-Chinese water torture after this.

-Yes, it was.

Don't have nightmares, people. Do you need someone like Alex?

Do you need someone is going to be gung ho and take on the silly roles?

I think so. I think he's brilliant.

He is mad and looks like a vampire, which kind of helps, I think,

if you have got something that makes you more memorable.

But I think, you know, at least he dives in and gets involved.

He loves to get involved. What are we selling? Milk? Take my milk!

He is so route one.

Just give him something and you will yell at people until they buy it.

-DAVE:

-You can't dislike him.

-But they won't elect him ever to be team leader.

-MARIAN:

-Why is that?

-It's probably worth it...

-Because of that.

Because of eyes and the, "Mmmmyehh."

That stuff. No-one looks up to that.

It's great to have, it's funny, yeah.

Go on, you get mascara-ed up and act like a freak in a park.

-That's not like the key to success.

-I misheard him.

When he said, "I'm Herbert," I thought he said, "I'm a pervert."

Perfectly plausible.

On an advertising level, by the way, that ad?

I'll tell you what was nice.

At least it had an insight that was very real, about bad dates.

It had... The most memorable aspect of it all, which was Herbert.

Personally, I mean, it was a pretty cruddy idea.

But at least they went for it.

OK, in last week's episode, Jason,

we caught sight of your special friend.

PHONE RINGS

'Lord Sugar is sending you on a business trip to meet

'a client in Dubai.'

Bloody hell. Two-day business trip. Pack your bags.

Somebody find my teddy bear.

MUSIC: "Teddy Bears' Picnic" by Henry Hall & His Orchestra

You have returned back to me.

PHONE RINGS

'Please pack an overnight bag.'

Pack an overnight bag.

Overnight bag. What do we need? Most important thing - big teddy.

We have been together for many, many years.

He has helped me through

many emotional difficulties

and has provided great support.

I don't think I could have become

the person that I am without him.

What I think is particularly sweet is that he is here with us tonight.

APPLAUSE

And he is wearing a tie especially for the show, as well.

Yes, of course, of course.

Um...

I'm not interviewing the bear.

LAUGHTER

OK, there are only four weeks left now.

I'm going to go to you and think who do you think will make the final?

Dave, who do you think will make the final of those who are left?

-I like Myles.

-Yeah.

-He's beautiful.

-He is ripped as well.

He is ripped. He lives in Monaco. He's everything I wish I was.

-Anyone else?

-Leah. I'd like her to win. I think she is...

I like her drive and her ambition.

I think she could learn a lot and, I suppose,

that's the whole process of this whole thing is we all try

and work out what we can get better at

but I think she has got a really interesting nugget.

OK. Marian?

Jordan, I think, because he has done nothing wrong.

And I really like Alex. I think individuality should be rewarded.

He marches to the beat of his own drum. Give him a go.

It's very easy to say about somebody else's money, that, isn't it?

-Mark.

-I agree. Alex would be a great finalist.

That might be the only way he gets to the project manager, as well.

DARA LAUGHS

Of the women, I think Leah is the most likely finalist.

Now, I don't think it can be Francesca cos her face is so angry.

If you came in and she had been delayed on the Tube or

something, you would think she was about to shoot you.

And I think Luisa

and Francesca will ultimately kill each other, leaving Leah.

So I think... See, I did like...

This is how much of a Jason fan I am.

I came in here quite liking Neil. But when I saw that he was

mean about him and said overall he was poor, Neil is dead to me now.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, we are going to put you to the vote. Back to Jason here.

Would you have fired him in that circumstance?

You are a nice guy but you had to go.

Marian?

I still love you.

-HE MOUTHS

-But, yes, you're too good for this.

Mark?

I think he had to be fired after what we'll call

-the abdication. Yeah.

-OK, over to the audience, here.

If you agree with Lord Sugar, hold up "fired",

if you disagree, hold up "hired".

Red! Red!

I think that is green. It's "hired".

CHEERING

Even though you, yourself, would have fired you, you say.

LAUGHTER

Listen, we were wondering what to get you for some time

and we thought, "No man is louche as you can ever have enough pyjamas."

So we got a very special part of royal pyjamas but on the back

it says, "I did it for the good of my team."

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

I shall wear them with great pride and I shall always walk backwards when I'm wearing them.

Just imagine you are in front of Lord Sugar,

cos you walked backwards when you left him as well.

Disappeared like he was the Queen or something.

Jason, you have been a real favourite throughout this series.

We have an embarrassment of riches for your highlights.

Jack of all trades, that's me. I can even do a little dance.

We'll do a tango, my dear.

I'm not run of the mill, that's for sure.

My mum would love him and all her friends at patchwork class.

You seem an awfully nice fellow.

I'm nice, really.

My dear, love is what it's all about.

I have pedigree, I have sophistication.

Are you not ecstatic?

I'd be delighted.

-Can I tempt you with two or three?

-OK.

Take this. Hold this. Move there.

Don't sit. Mount the steps.

Not you, Jordan,

somebody average-sized.

I can blend into any environment.

A big bird.

And you put it on your arm and it flies away.

Go on.

Onwards.

Jason is an ama... He's a good boy.

We are going to run like hell.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Leech.

CHEERING

And that's it for tonight. Thanks to all of my guests.

Now some exciting news for all budding and current entrepreneurs.

If you've got a great business idea

and would like the opportunity to be Lord Sugar's business partner

next year, go to our website at bbc.co.uk/apprentice,

where you will find all the details on how to apply.

You will be in with a chance of securing

a quarter of a million pound investment so, please, give it a go.

In the tradition of royal souvenirs,

the Apprentice Times front page is also on our website, where you can

print it out and keep it as a keepsake of this momentous occasion.

It's the sort of thing we know you'll want to show your children

and grandchildren in years to come.

Next week's task, to create a new ready meal,

leaves one candidate not being to Lord Sugar's taste.

The ready meal market is worth over a billion pounds per year.

-I sure as hell can't cook.

-I don't cook stir-fries.

I don't like healthy, horrible food.

Bat's blood. Zombie's eyeballs.

Dracula's dinners.

Dracula Bolognese at Christmas.

-The food looks powerful. If it tastes powerful...

-We've done it.

I don't know what pasata is. Patatas?

Homicidal hummus.

Let's not reinvent the wheel.

It's horrible.

See you next Wednesday at 10pm. Good night.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd