19/02/1976 The Good Old Days

# Oh! You beautiful doll

# You great big beautiful doll

# Let me put my arms around you

# I could never live without you

# Oh! You beautiful doll

# You great big beautiful doll

# If you ever leave me how my heart would ache

# I want to hug you afraid you'd break

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, you beautiful doll. #

APPLAUSE

FANFARE

CROWD CHEERS

-ALL:

-Whoo!

Once again, good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-ALL:

-Good evening!

-MAN:

-..Leonard!

Thank you! LAUGHTER

-Felicitously...

-Ohh!

..fanfaronaded by the infallible Mr Bernard Herrmann

and his frenetic affiliates...

Ooh!

..the incomparably protean Players Theatre,

plus none other than Miss Peggy Mount!

APPLAUSE

# We're getting ready for the mother-in-law

# Getting ready for the fray

# When she puts her face inside this place

# Well, fine if the old girl means to stay

# There's a little back room on the third top floor

# Where the beetles up the wall do climb

# Oh! Mother, mother, mother mother, mother, mother

# You'll have a lively time

# Oh! Mother, mother, mother mother, mother, mother

# You'll have a lively time... #

# For she's a bit of a ruin that Cromwell knocked about a bit

# One that Oliver Cromwell knocked about a bit

# In the gay old days there used to be some doings

# No wonder that the poor old Abbey went to ruins

# Those who've studied history sing and shout of it

# You can bet your life there isn't a doubt of it

# Outside the Oliver Cromwell last Saturday night

# She was one of the ruins that Cromwell knocked about a bit. #

What do you mean I'm one of the ruins that Cromwell knocked...?

-I'll give you ruin!

-APPLAUSE

Ruin(!)

I'm no ruin!

I'm a very respectable woman, that's what I am.

AUDIENCE JEERS

# I'm a poor daily help

# And I'm happy to say

# I goes out a-charring at five bob a day

# I muck out your house or your self-contained flat

# I'm a very good char known as Penelope Platt

# I'm Penelope

# Five bob a day and me meals is the price

# Though sometimes it's cheese and a lump of cold rice

# Fair cruel it is but you can't make a fuss

# Where on earth would folk be if it wasn't for us?

-# I'm Penelope

-She's Penelope

# I gets out me bucket me mop and me broom

# And in less than a flash I've mucked out your room

# If I'm in a rush it goes under the mat

# I'm a very good char I'm Penelope Platt

-# I'm Penelope

-She's Penelope

# When I've finished me work and I've rested me feet

# I hangs up me apron and nips down the street

# And there in the local each night you will see

# I drinks with me mates who goes charring with me

# We're Penelope. #

Who?

Penelope!

There you are, you see, mate?

If you're ever round our way, just drop in.

It would be lovely to see you.

Just...

# Call round any old time

# And make yourself at home

# Put your feet on the mantelshelf

# Open the cupboard and help yourself

# I don't care if your friends have left you all alone

# Rich or poor, knock at the door

# And make yourself at home. #

CROWD CHEERS

I...I promise you,

you will have Miss Peggy Mount once again later on in the programme.

But now - continentally contributory to culture,

for you cognoscenti...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

For your ecstatic cooperation,

we give you...prima ballerina a saluta Chantal!

Partnered tonight, for the very first time,

by Dumont!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Theme from Swan Lake

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Our cornucopic...

LAUGHTER

I must apologise for that series of accidents.

LAUGHTER Our cornucopic charivaria

convokes a compulsively cosmopolitan characterisation

from that sauciest of soubrettes, Miss Jeannie Harris!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Has Anyone Seen A German Band?

# Once a little German girl lonely and sad

# Came to merry England from her Fatherland

# Looking for her sweetheart whose front name was Fritz

# And he played the trombone in some German band

# She searched round the city by night and by day

# And asked everyone on the way

# "Has anyone seen a German Band?

# "German Band, German Band

# "I've been looking about all upon my own

# "I've searched every street both near und far

# "Near und far, ja, ja, ja

# I want my Fritz Vot plays twiddly bits

# "On his big trombone

# "Fritz was very fond of me" Katrina said

# "When he was in Germany over der sea

# "Und he would come round to mine own Vater's house

# "He'd make love and eat all our Limburger cheese

# "He'd serenade me

# Mit Der Watch On Der Rhine

# "Und I thought his... trombone divine

# Has anyone seen a German Band?

# German Band, German Band... #

Stop der music!

Stop the music.

-Vot is your name?

-Herrmann.

-Herrmann!

-Ja.

-Ahh! Is a good name, ja?

-Ja.

Und you?

Sachs.

LAUGHTER

Mr Sachs, you vill help me down the steps, please,

-I have difficulties mit der feet.

-I see.

-Ja?

Danke schon. You can sit down now. Danke schon.

You vill all sink mit me. Ja?

-ALL:

-Ja!

Ve have vays of making...

LAUGHTER

..vays of making you sink, ja?

Und not only vill you sink...

LAUGHTER

..but you vill svay.

You vill svay to the right...

To your right - everybody svay to the right.

And everybody svay to the left.

Und right...

Und left...

Und right...

Und left...

Keep svaying!

And vhile you are svaying, you vill sing!

Very loudly!

You vill, as you Englanders say,

"Give it vot you got."

LAUGHTER

And I 'ope you got a lot.

Ein, zwei, drei...

# Has anyone seen a German Band?

# German Band, German Band

# I've been looking about all upon my own

# I've searched every street both near und far

# Near und far, ja, ja, ja

# I vant my Fritz vot plays twiddly bits

# On his big trombone. #

-APPLAUSE

-Ein more time! Ja!

# Has anyone seen a German Band?

# German Band, German Band

# I've been looking about all upon my own

# I've searched every street both near und far

# Near und far, ja, ja, ja

# I vant my Fritz vot plays twiddly bits

# On his big trombone. #

APPLAUSE

Illustrious in legerdemain...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Nonpareil in necromancy...

-Ooh!

-Omnipotent in prestidigitatory...

-Ooh!

..prowess.

Conjuring.

For your amazement, Mr Larry Parker!

APPLAUSE

WHISTLE BLOWS

Hey!

Hup!

Ah...

Ooh...

STICK CLATTERS

For...

Ah!

LAUGHTER

HE MUMBLES

LAUGHTER

Oh, well...

LAUGHTER

Hey!

Hey!

What do you know?

Ah!

Hey!

Oi!

Now, for the - for the next part of the...

-LAUGHTER

-..of...

Hey...

Now, for the next part of the...

For the next part of the show...

And of... Oi!

And for the...for the...

for, er...

Hey!

And the eyeballs, completely...

Nothing at all on the...

HE WHISTLES

Hey!

Hup!

Now, for, er...

MUSIC: Anything Goes

Take this trick.

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

..disbelief on the...

On the... On the...

Hup!

LAUGHTER

Now, for the next part...

Tearing once...

twos...

threes...

Goes in tiny pieces, goes in tiny pieces.

Now...

SPEECH MUFFLED

Now...

HE CHUCKLES

HE CHUCKLES

Placing the pieces in the bag.

In the bag, sir! From the... From the...

From the handkerchief to the corner.

Hey!

Hup!

Redeeming a pledge, it is my proud privilege to present again

that paramount paragon of amplitudinous plenitude...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..Miss Peggy Mount!

APPLAUSE

# I met a tramp all alone in his camp

# Laughing gaily and singing a song

# This hobo man drank his tea from a can

# And I hailed him as I passed along

# I said, "You're down and out

# "But you seem happy

# "What is your secret? Tell me, friend"

# "Secret?" said he "By, gee, that's just philosophy

# "Here's the beginning and the end

# "Oh, the...

# "World's all right It's the people living in it

# "Make it seem all wrong seem all wrong

# "If there's strife or any trouble in it

# "You can bet your life it's the people who begin it

# "So I tramp my way and I'm happy every minute

# "And I sing my little song

# "Oh, the world's all right

# "It's the people living in it

# "Make it seem all wrong

# "Far from the crowd," he said

# "I sing aloud

# "And the song seems to flow from my heart

# "Maybe the birds haven't quite got the words

# "But they're in with the tune from the start

# "I never get the blues 'cept when I'm dreaming

# "Dreaming I feel my mother's kiss

# "In dreams back home I stray but when I wake I say

# " 'Don't want the old life give me this!'

# "Oh, the...

# "World's all right It's the people living in it

# "Make it seem all wrong seem all wrong

# "If there's strife or any trouble in it

# "You can bet your life it's the people who begin it

# "So I tramp my way and I'm happy every minute

# "And I sing my little song

# "Oh, the world's all right

# "It's the people living in it

# "Make it seem all wrong

# "So I tramp my way and I'm happy every minute

# "And I sing my little song

# "Oh, the world's all right

# "It's the people living in it

# "Make it seem all wrong." #

APPLAUSE

-For your enthusiastic enthrallment... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-..a thaumaturlogically...

-Ooh!

..unorthodox exhibition of Jan Madd's magic!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

-The ludicrously... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..loquacious lugubriousness of the one and only Mr Les Dawson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ALL CLAP IN TIME

Thank you for that well-rehearsed smatter of applause.

And yet I will endure this, because, let's face it,

as you all know, this great nation of ours, at present,

is going through a very severe economic depression.

Not that depression bothers me,

because I was a failure during the boom.

This suit bears mute testament to that fact - look at it.

Oh, I know it's seen better days.

God knows how old it is,

but every time a band plays The Lancers,

me trousers break into a gallop.

I wanted so desperately to get some new fustian for tonight.

I went to a tailor in Leeds for a suit -

I couldn't believe the prices. I said, "What can I have for £15?"

He gave me some wool and a loom.

In the name of piety, why do I kid myself?

It's not been a good year. I'm not looking for sympathy,

but last year, I lost over 15 first-class engagements

through repeated illness.

They all got sick of me.

I don't mind telling you that I'm so far behind on the rent,

the town hall's holding the wife as hostage.

And that was a blow. My wife, she had to give her job up.

It was a damn good job - it wasn't her fault.

She got rheumatism in her shoulder,

and she couldn't throw the harpoon properly.

It's an amazing thing that

when you first meet the woman who will be your life partner,

romance comes into people's lives in different guises.

In some cases, it's a drift of perfume on a Georgian staircase...

it can be a snatch of song on a Neapolitan balcony...

WOMAN TITTERS

LAUGHTER

..the caress of hands in the scented bower.

True love came to me

the night I saw the wife suck a hot chip with her teeth out.

Well, that night, when romance came into my life,

I knew, as we sat opposite the table with a candle between us,

that she was emotionally moved, and I told her I loved her.

I bent across the table over the candle to kiss her lips

and she snatched her head away angrily,

and I fell heavily on the candle.

It took the head waiter 15 minutes to get the wick from up me nose.

And then we had our first engagement -

that first magical moment

when two souls come together on the sea of life.

We sat on the omnibus holding hands

which took some doing - I was upstairs, she was down.

Because...

Because of her passion for food,

I took her to a very well-known French restaurant in Huddersfield.

It was called the Chez By Gum.

HE CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER

And yet I've been married for 15 years, and believe me,

it just seems like yesterday.

If it was tomorrow, I'd cancel the bloody thing.

It...

I can see it now - the rays of the hot August sun

were filtering through the stained glass windows

of the medieval chapel,

highlighting the mellow antiquity of the Saxon altar

and glinting on her father's rifle.

The organist was playing O Perfect Love,

until he saw the wife's family canter down the aisle,

then he stopped and broke into the March Of The Gladiators.

The wife's mother was crying her eyes out on the front pew.

But that was because she had her hand trapped in the collection box.

The wife and I stood at the altar.

The vicar at the size of the wife, he looked at me, he said,

"Do you take this woman, or will you have her delivered?"

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she's fat,

but when she stood in the garden the other week in her vest...

..she...

It looked like a canvas-topped abattoir.

She hasn't got elastic in her drawers -

it's a curtain rail.

And to add to my bowl of happiness,

the wife's mother has just come to live with us.

LAUGHTER

As soon as I heard the knock on the door,

I knew it was her mother,

because next door's savage Alsatian was whimpering.

My wife said, "Will you put the gas fire in me mother's room?"

Said, "Yes, but I haven't lit it."

Tonight, in a more light-hearted vein,

in response to several fan letters

that arrived through the window round a brick,

I should like to play the piano for you.

Now, I thought, just to get away from the usual theatrical dross,

these drapes of illusion,

to all sing together the songs that we all love -

to be ourselves, to get back to the grassroots.

Will you join me on some songs?

-ALL:

-Yes!

We shall start off on the pianoforte in these oral coro d'antics...

Ooh!

..with My Old Man Said Follow The Band.

You will note that when I play the piano, it has often been said

there's one difference between myself and Chopin.

He's been dead longer than I have.

Thank you. Are you ready, young man?

Try and keep up if you can.

My Old Man Said Follow The Band.

Now, come on, let's hear you, now.

Let's raise the roof.

It won't take much doing - the guttering's on the inside.

Are you ready?

HE PLAYS DISCORDANTLY

LAUGHTER

We can't all be professionals!

We'll try this one - Lily Of Laguna.

PLAYING FALLS OUT OF TUNE

It just glows, doesn't it?

HE RESUMES

ALL: # I know she likes me, I know she likes me

# Because she says so... #

I wish I was out there listening to this.

# Lily of Laguna

# She is my Lily and my Rose. #

Often, when faced with genius, there is a shyness.

Perhaps tonight might be as good a time as any

to introduce to you the works of a very...unfortunately -

how can I put it? - forgotten Yorkshire composer.

His name was Seth Bottlegreen.

The first man to discover

that people who ate prunes were never late for work.

Most of his music was very moving,

but this one in particular, I feel...

LAUGHTER

HE PLAYS LIVELY PIECE

Tricky, isn't it?

That's three fingers.

On the same hand.

# My Auntie Fanny by mistake

# Put senna pods in the currant cake

# And the only advice that we could give

# Was, "Skip to the loo my darling." #

APPLAUSE

There's only just time to ask Mr Les Dawson to lead the company

and yourselves for the last chorus tonight -

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Les Dawson and the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann

and the entire and indomitable orchestra...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-But this time, chiefly... ALL:

-..yourselves!

# Come, come Come and make eyes at me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Come, come Drink some port wine with me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band Umpapa, umpapa

# Just let me hold your hand dear

# Do, do Come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush.

# Bush-Bush. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING