19/02/1976 The Good Old Days


19/02/1976

Leonard Sachs chairs the old-time music hall programme from Leeds in 1976. Guests include Les Dawson, Peggy Mount, Larry Parker, Jeannie Harris, Chantal & Dumont and Albert Aldred.


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Transcript


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# Oh! You beautiful doll

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# You great big beautiful doll

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# Let me put my arms around you

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# I could never live without you

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# Oh! You beautiful doll

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# You great big beautiful doll

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# If you ever leave me how my heart would ache

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# I want to hug you afraid you'd break

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# Oh, oh, oh, oh

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# Oh, you beautiful doll. #

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APPLAUSE

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FANFARE

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CROWD CHEERS

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-ALL:

-Whoo!

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Once again, good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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-ALL:

-Good evening!

-MAN:

-..Leonard!

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Thank you! LAUGHTER

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-Felicitously...

-Ohh!

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..fanfaronaded by the infallible Mr Bernard Herrmann

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and his frenetic affiliates...

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Ooh!

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..the incomparably protean Players Theatre,

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plus none other than Miss Peggy Mount!

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APPLAUSE

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# We're getting ready for the mother-in-law

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# Getting ready for the fray

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# When she puts her face inside this place

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# Well, fine if the old girl means to stay

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# There's a little back room on the third top floor

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# Where the beetles up the wall do climb

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# Oh! Mother, mother, mother mother, mother, mother

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# You'll have a lively time

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# Oh! Mother, mother, mother mother, mother, mother

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# You'll have a lively time... #

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# For she's a bit of a ruin that Cromwell knocked about a bit

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# One that Oliver Cromwell knocked about a bit

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# In the gay old days there used to be some doings

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# No wonder that the poor old Abbey went to ruins

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# Those who've studied history sing and shout of it

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# You can bet your life there isn't a doubt of it

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# Outside the Oliver Cromwell last Saturday night

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# She was one of the ruins that Cromwell knocked about a bit. #

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What do you mean I'm one of the ruins that Cromwell knocked...?

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-I'll give you ruin!

-APPLAUSE

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Ruin(!)

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I'm no ruin!

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I'm a very respectable woman, that's what I am.

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AUDIENCE JEERS

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# I'm a poor daily help

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# And I'm happy to say

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# I goes out a-charring at five bob a day

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# I muck out your house or your self-contained flat

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# I'm a very good char known as Penelope Platt

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# I'm Penelope

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# Five bob a day and me meals is the price

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# Though sometimes it's cheese and a lump of cold rice

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# Fair cruel it is but you can't make a fuss

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# Where on earth would folk be if it wasn't for us?

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-# I'm Penelope

-She's Penelope

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# I gets out me bucket me mop and me broom

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# And in less than a flash I've mucked out your room

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# If I'm in a rush it goes under the mat

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# I'm a very good char I'm Penelope Platt

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-# I'm Penelope

-She's Penelope

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# When I've finished me work and I've rested me feet

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# I hangs up me apron and nips down the street

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# And there in the local each night you will see

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# I drinks with me mates who goes charring with me

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# We're Penelope. #

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Who?

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Penelope!

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There you are, you see, mate?

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If you're ever round our way, just drop in.

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It would be lovely to see you.

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Just...

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# Call round any old time

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# And make yourself at home

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# Put your feet on the mantelshelf

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# Open the cupboard and help yourself

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# I don't care if your friends have left you all alone

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# Rich or poor, knock at the door

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# And make yourself at home. #

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CROWD CHEERS

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I...I promise you,

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you will have Miss Peggy Mount once again later on in the programme.

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But now - continentally contributory to culture,

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for you cognoscenti...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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For your ecstatic cooperation,

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we give you...prima ballerina a saluta Chantal!

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Partnered tonight, for the very first time,

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by Dumont!

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: Theme from Swan Lake

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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Our cornucopic...

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LAUGHTER

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I must apologise for that series of accidents.

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LAUGHTER Our cornucopic charivaria

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convokes a compulsively cosmopolitan characterisation

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from that sauciest of soubrettes, Miss Jeannie Harris!

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: Has Anyone Seen A German Band?

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# Once a little German girl lonely and sad

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# Came to merry England from her Fatherland

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# Looking for her sweetheart whose front name was Fritz

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# And he played the trombone in some German band

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# She searched round the city by night and by day

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# And asked everyone on the way

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# "Has anyone seen a German Band?

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# "German Band, German Band

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# "I've been looking about all upon my own

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# "I've searched every street both near und far

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# "Near und far, ja, ja, ja

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# I want my Fritz Vot plays twiddly bits

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# "On his big trombone

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# "Fritz was very fond of me" Katrina said

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# "When he was in Germany over der sea

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# "Und he would come round to mine own Vater's house

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# "He'd make love and eat all our Limburger cheese

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# "He'd serenade me

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# Mit Der Watch On Der Rhine

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# "Und I thought his... trombone divine

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# Has anyone seen a German Band?

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# German Band, German Band... #

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Stop der music!

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Stop the music.

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-Vot is your name?

-Herrmann.

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-Herrmann!

-Ja.

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-Ahh! Is a good name, ja?

-Ja.

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Und you?

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Sachs.

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LAUGHTER

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Mr Sachs, you vill help me down the steps, please,

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-I have difficulties mit der feet.

-I see.

-Ja?

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Danke schon. You can sit down now. Danke schon.

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You vill all sink mit me. Ja?

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-ALL:

-Ja!

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Ve have vays of making...

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LAUGHTER

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..vays of making you sink, ja?

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Und not only vill you sink...

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LAUGHTER

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..but you vill svay.

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You vill svay to the right...

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To your right - everybody svay to the right.

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And everybody svay to the left.

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Und right...

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Und left...

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Und right...

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Und left...

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Keep svaying!

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And vhile you are svaying, you vill sing!

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Very loudly!

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You vill, as you Englanders say,

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"Give it vot you got."

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LAUGHTER

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And I 'ope you got a lot.

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Ein, zwei, drei...

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# Has anyone seen a German Band?

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# German Band, German Band

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# I've been looking about all upon my own

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# I've searched every street both near und far

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# Near und far, ja, ja, ja

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# I vant my Fritz vot plays twiddly bits

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# On his big trombone. #

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-APPLAUSE

-Ein more time! Ja!

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# Has anyone seen a German Band?

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# German Band, German Band

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# I've been looking about all upon my own

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# I've searched every street both near und far

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# Near und far, ja, ja, ja

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# I vant my Fritz vot plays twiddly bits

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# On his big trombone. #

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APPLAUSE

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Illustrious in legerdemain...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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-Nonpareil in necromancy...

-Ooh!

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-Omnipotent in prestidigitatory...

-Ooh!

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..prowess.

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Conjuring.

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For your amazement, Mr Larry Parker!

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APPLAUSE

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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Hey!

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Hup!

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Ah...

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Ooh...

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STICK CLATTERS

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For...

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Ah!

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LAUGHTER

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HE MUMBLES

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, well...

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LAUGHTER

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Hey!

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Hey!

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What do you know?

0:21:490:21:51

Ah!

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Hey!

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Oi!

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Now, for the - for the next part of the...

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-LAUGHTER

-..of...

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Hey...

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Now, for the next part of the...

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For the next part of the show...

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And of... Oi!

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And for the...for the...

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for, er...

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Hey!

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And the eyeballs, completely...

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Nothing at all on the...

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HE WHISTLES

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Hey!

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Hup!

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Now, for, er...

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MUSIC: Anything Goes

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Take this trick.

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MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

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..disbelief on the...

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On the... On the...

0:23:140:23:16

Hup!

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LAUGHTER

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Now, for the next part...

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Tearing once...

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twos...

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threes...

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Goes in tiny pieces, goes in tiny pieces.

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Now...

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SPEECH MUFFLED

0:24:320:24:35

Now...

0:24:390:24:41

HE CHUCKLES

0:24:420:24:44

HE CHUCKLES

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Placing the pieces in the bag.

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In the bag, sir! From the... From the...

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From the handkerchief to the corner.

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Hey!

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Hup!

0:25:130:25:14

Redeeming a pledge, it is my proud privilege to present again

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that paramount paragon of amplitudinous plenitude...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:25:490:25:50

..Miss Peggy Mount!

0:25:500:25:53

APPLAUSE

0:25:530:25:55

# I met a tramp all alone in his camp

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# Laughing gaily and singing a song

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# This hobo man drank his tea from a can

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# And I hailed him as I passed along

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# I said, "You're down and out

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# "But you seem happy

0:26:260:26:28

# "What is your secret? Tell me, friend"

0:26:280:26:32

# "Secret?" said he "By, gee, that's just philosophy

0:26:320:26:37

# "Here's the beginning and the end

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# "Oh, the...

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# "World's all right It's the people living in it

0:26:440:26:49

# "Make it seem all wrong seem all wrong

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# "If there's strife or any trouble in it

0:26:540:26:58

# "You can bet your life it's the people who begin it

0:26:580:27:02

# "So I tramp my way and I'm happy every minute

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# "And I sing my little song

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# "Oh, the world's all right

0:27:100:27:12

# "It's the people living in it

0:27:120:27:15

# "Make it seem all wrong

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# "Far from the crowd," he said

0:27:230:27:26

# "I sing aloud

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# "And the song seems to flow from my heart

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# "Maybe the birds haven't quite got the words

0:27:310:27:36

# "But they're in with the tune from the start

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# "I never get the blues 'cept when I'm dreaming

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# "Dreaming I feel my mother's kiss

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# "In dreams back home I stray but when I wake I say

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# " 'Don't want the old life give me this!'

0:27:550:27:59

# "Oh, the...

0:28:000:28:03

# "World's all right It's the people living in it

0:28:030:28:07

# "Make it seem all wrong seem all wrong

0:28:070:28:11

# "If there's strife or any trouble in it

0:28:110:28:16

# "You can bet your life it's the people who begin it

0:28:160:28:19

# "So I tramp my way and I'm happy every minute

0:28:190:28:24

# "And I sing my little song

0:28:240:28:28

# "Oh, the world's all right

0:28:280:28:31

# "It's the people living in it

0:28:310:28:34

# "Make it seem all wrong

0:28:340:28:37

# "So I tramp my way and I'm happy every minute

0:28:370:28:42

# "And I sing my little song

0:28:420:28:45

# "Oh, the world's all right

0:28:450:28:48

# "It's the people living in it

0:28:480:28:51

# "Make it seem all wrong." #

0:28:510:28:55

APPLAUSE

0:28:550:28:57

-For your enthusiastic enthrallment... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:29:090:29:14

-..a thaumaturlogically...

-Ooh!

0:29:140:29:17

..unorthodox exhibition of Jan Madd's magic!

0:29:170:29:25

APPLAUSE

0:29:250:29:27

APPLAUSE

0:33:090:33:11

-The ludicrously... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:33:300:33:35

..loquacious lugubriousness of the one and only Mr Les Dawson!

0:33:350:33:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:420:33:44

ALL CLAP IN TIME

0:33:480:33:50

Thank you for that well-rehearsed smatter of applause.

0:34:020:34:04

And yet I will endure this, because, let's face it,

0:34:070:34:11

as you all know, this great nation of ours, at present,

0:34:110:34:13

is going through a very severe economic depression.

0:34:130:34:16

Not that depression bothers me,

0:34:160:34:17

because I was a failure during the boom.

0:34:170:34:20

This suit bears mute testament to that fact - look at it.

0:34:250:34:28

Oh, I know it's seen better days.

0:34:280:34:30

God knows how old it is,

0:34:300:34:31

but every time a band plays The Lancers,

0:34:310:34:33

me trousers break into a gallop.

0:34:330:34:35

I wanted so desperately to get some new fustian for tonight.

0:34:410:34:46

I went to a tailor in Leeds for a suit -

0:34:460:34:48

I couldn't believe the prices. I said, "What can I have for £15?"

0:34:480:34:51

He gave me some wool and a loom.

0:34:510:34:52

In the name of piety, why do I kid myself?

0:35:000:35:03

It's not been a good year. I'm not looking for sympathy,

0:35:030:35:05

but last year, I lost over 15 first-class engagements

0:35:050:35:08

through repeated illness.

0:35:080:35:10

They all got sick of me.

0:35:100:35:12

I don't mind telling you that I'm so far behind on the rent,

0:35:180:35:21

the town hall's holding the wife as hostage.

0:35:210:35:23

And that was a blow. My wife, she had to give her job up.

0:35:270:35:29

It was a damn good job - it wasn't her fault.

0:35:290:35:31

She got rheumatism in her shoulder,

0:35:310:35:33

and she couldn't throw the harpoon properly.

0:35:330:35:35

It's an amazing thing that

0:35:370:35:39

when you first meet the woman who will be your life partner,

0:35:390:35:42

romance comes into people's lives in different guises.

0:35:420:35:45

In some cases, it's a drift of perfume on a Georgian staircase...

0:35:450:35:49

it can be a snatch of song on a Neapolitan balcony...

0:35:490:35:52

WOMAN TITTERS

0:35:520:35:54

LAUGHTER

0:35:540:35:55

..the caress of hands in the scented bower.

0:35:550:35:59

True love came to me

0:35:590:36:00

the night I saw the wife suck a hot chip with her teeth out.

0:36:000:36:03

Well, that night, when romance came into my life,

0:36:140:36:17

I knew, as we sat opposite the table with a candle between us,

0:36:170:36:22

that she was emotionally moved, and I told her I loved her.

0:36:220:36:26

I bent across the table over the candle to kiss her lips

0:36:260:36:30

and she snatched her head away angrily,

0:36:300:36:33

and I fell heavily on the candle.

0:36:330:36:36

It took the head waiter 15 minutes to get the wick from up me nose.

0:36:360:36:40

And then we had our first engagement -

0:36:470:36:49

that first magical moment

0:36:490:36:50

when two souls come together on the sea of life.

0:36:500:36:54

We sat on the omnibus holding hands

0:36:540:36:56

which took some doing - I was upstairs, she was down.

0:36:560:36:59

Because...

0:37:030:37:05

Because of her passion for food,

0:37:050:37:07

I took her to a very well-known French restaurant in Huddersfield.

0:37:070:37:11

It was called the Chez By Gum.

0:37:110:37:13

HE CHUCKLES

0:37:150:37:17

LAUGHTER

0:37:230:37:25

And yet I've been married for 15 years, and believe me,

0:37:300:37:33

it just seems like yesterday.

0:37:330:37:36

If it was tomorrow, I'd cancel the bloody thing.

0:37:360:37:39

It...

0:37:420:37:44

I can see it now - the rays of the hot August sun

0:37:470:37:50

were filtering through the stained glass windows

0:37:500:37:52

of the medieval chapel,

0:37:520:37:54

highlighting the mellow antiquity of the Saxon altar

0:37:540:37:57

and glinting on her father's rifle.

0:37:570:37:59

The organist was playing O Perfect Love,

0:38:030:38:06

until he saw the wife's family canter down the aisle,

0:38:060:38:10

then he stopped and broke into the March Of The Gladiators.

0:38:100:38:13

The wife's mother was crying her eyes out on the front pew.

0:38:190:38:21

But that was because she had her hand trapped in the collection box.

0:38:210:38:24

The wife and I stood at the altar.

0:38:320:38:33

The vicar at the size of the wife, he looked at me, he said,

0:38:330:38:36

"Do you take this woman, or will you have her delivered?"

0:38:360:38:38

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she's fat,

0:38:420:38:44

but when she stood in the garden the other week in her vest...

0:38:440:38:47

..she...

0:38:490:38:51

It looked like a canvas-topped abattoir.

0:38:510:38:53

She hasn't got elastic in her drawers -

0:38:560:38:58

it's a curtain rail.

0:38:580:38:59

And to add to my bowl of happiness,

0:39:050:39:07

the wife's mother has just come to live with us.

0:39:070:39:10

LAUGHTER

0:39:130:39:14

As soon as I heard the knock on the door,

0:39:170:39:19

I knew it was her mother,

0:39:190:39:20

because next door's savage Alsatian was whimpering.

0:39:200:39:23

My wife said, "Will you put the gas fire in me mother's room?"

0:39:280:39:31

Said, "Yes, but I haven't lit it."

0:39:310:39:33

Tonight, in a more light-hearted vein,

0:39:360:39:38

in response to several fan letters

0:39:380:39:39

that arrived through the window round a brick,

0:39:390:39:41

I should like to play the piano for you.

0:39:410:39:44

Now, I thought, just to get away from the usual theatrical dross,

0:39:440:39:48

these drapes of illusion,

0:39:480:39:50

to all sing together the songs that we all love -

0:39:500:39:55

to be ourselves, to get back to the grassroots.

0:39:550:39:58

Will you join me on some songs?

0:39:580:40:00

-ALL:

-Yes!

0:40:000:40:02

We shall start off on the pianoforte in these oral coro d'antics...

0:40:020:40:06

Ooh!

0:40:060:40:08

..with My Old Man Said Follow The Band.

0:40:080:40:11

You will note that when I play the piano, it has often been said

0:40:110:40:14

there's one difference between myself and Chopin.

0:40:140:40:16

He's been dead longer than I have.

0:40:200:40:22

Thank you. Are you ready, young man?

0:40:240:40:27

Try and keep up if you can.

0:40:270:40:29

My Old Man Said Follow The Band.

0:40:360:40:38

Now, come on, let's hear you, now.

0:40:390:40:41

Let's raise the roof.

0:40:410:40:43

It won't take much doing - the guttering's on the inside.

0:40:430:40:45

Are you ready?

0:40:450:40:47

HE PLAYS DISCORDANTLY

0:40:470:40:51

LAUGHTER

0:40:510:40:53

We can't all be professionals!

0:40:570:40:58

We'll try this one - Lily Of Laguna.

0:41:000:41:02

PLAYING FALLS OUT OF TUNE

0:41:070:41:09

It just glows, doesn't it?

0:41:200:41:23

HE RESUMES

0:41:230:41:25

ALL: # I know she likes me, I know she likes me

0:41:250:41:29

# Because she says so... #

0:41:290:41:31

I wish I was out there listening to this.

0:41:310:41:33

# Lily of Laguna

0:41:330:41:37

# She is my Lily and my Rose. #

0:41:370:41:41

Often, when faced with genius, there is a shyness.

0:41:430:41:46

Perhaps tonight might be as good a time as any

0:41:470:41:49

to introduce to you the works of a very...unfortunately -

0:41:490:41:54

how can I put it? - forgotten Yorkshire composer.

0:41:540:41:57

His name was Seth Bottlegreen.

0:41:570:41:59

The first man to discover

0:42:010:42:02

that people who ate prunes were never late for work.

0:42:020:42:05

Most of his music was very moving,

0:42:130:42:15

but this one in particular, I feel...

0:42:150:42:17

LAUGHTER

0:42:170:42:18

HE PLAYS LIVELY PIECE

0:42:210:42:23

Tricky, isn't it?

0:42:270:42:29

That's three fingers.

0:42:290:42:31

On the same hand.

0:42:310:42:32

# My Auntie Fanny by mistake

0:42:340:42:36

# Put senna pods in the currant cake

0:42:360:42:38

# And the only advice that we could give

0:42:400:42:42

# Was, "Skip to the loo my darling." #

0:42:420:42:44

APPLAUSE

0:42:460:42:48

There's only just time to ask Mr Les Dawson to lead the company

0:43:060:43:10

and yourselves for the last chorus tonight -

0:43:100:43:13

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:43:130:43:15

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:43:150:43:16

Mr Les Dawson and the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann

0:43:160:43:19

and the entire and indomitable orchestra...

0:43:190:43:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:220:43:24

-But this time, chiefly... ALL:

-..yourselves!

0:43:240:43:30

# Come, come Come and make eyes at me

0:43:340:43:37

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:43:370:43:41

# Come, come Drink some port wine with me

0:43:410:43:45

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:43:450:43:48

# Hear the little German band Umpapa, umpapa

0:43:480:43:52

# Just let me hold your hand dear

0:43:520:43:56

# Do, do Come and have a drink or two

0:43:560:44:00

# Down at the old Bull and Bush.

0:44:000:44:03

# Bush-Bush. #

0:44:030:44:05

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:44:050:44:07

Leonard Sachs chairs the old-time music hall programme, originally broadcast from Leeds in 1976. Guests include Les Dawson, Peggy Mount, Larry Parker, Jeannie Harris, Chantal & Dumont, Albert Aldred and members of the Player's Theatre London. Also includes a performance from the Jan Madd Magic Show.


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