10/01/1978 The Good Old Days


10/01/1978

Leonard Sachs presents the silver jubilee edition of the old-time music hall programme, first broadcast on 10 January 1978. With Ken Dodd and Jan Hunt.


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Transcript


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ORCHESTRAL FANFARE

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MUSIC: The Sandow Girl

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# Oh, the...

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# Sandow, Sandow girl

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# Oh the Sandow, Sandow girl

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# She's...

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# Smooth and slim and supple

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# And compared with any couple of other girls

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# The Sandow, Sandow girl

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# Is a priceless, peerless pearl

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# Even Sandow, I think

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# Would be frightened to wink

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# At his Sandow girl... #

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Now if your limbs are listless

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And your spirits start to fall

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Then this is the advice

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That I would give to one and all.

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# Is your breathing poor?

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# Are your muscles weak?

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# Does your stomach sag?

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# Do you lack technique?

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# There's no need to be a clinging vine

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# You too can have a body like mine

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# Are your spirits low?

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# Do you tend to moan?

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# Are you claustrophobic when you're all alone?

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# If you feel a tingling up and down your spine

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# You too can have a body like mine

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# One, two, three, four...

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# Now's the time to loosen up your liver

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# Five, six, seven, eight...

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# When your ears start flapping and your kidneys quiver

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# Does your heart beat faster when you touch your toes?

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# Do your fingers twitch when you thumb your nose?

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# If your metatarsals are in sad decline

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# You too can have a body like mine. #

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DRUMROLL

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FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

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DRUMROLL

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FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

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DRUMROLL

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LAUGHTER

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FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

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# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl

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# Is a priceless, peerless pearl

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# Even Sandow, I think

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# Would be frightened to wink

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# At his Sandow girl

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# Sandow, Sandow, Sandow, Sandow

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# Girl! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Once again, good evening,

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ladies and gentlemen!

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Initiating our jollifications for the jubilee,

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that jaunty juxtaposition of femininity and muscularity

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featured Miss Jan Hunt, Miss Inge-Lise

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and the Players' Theatre.

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And now, all the way from Germany,

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ladies and gentlemen, the Hurricanes!

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APPLAUSE

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JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

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CLATTERING

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Hey!

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Ah!

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-Oh!

-CHEERING

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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Hey!

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DRUMROLL

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Voila!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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FANFARE

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Emergent aspirants to stellar status,

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ingenuously avid for your approbation.

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Direct from Ilkley Senior Dancing Academy...

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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..Bubbles and Cuddles!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC PLAYS

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# Call me a taxi, the train's gonna leave at 4:20

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# For the land of the plenty

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# And I've just got to go

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# Can't you see? Can't you see?

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# I like the Broadway but somehow the West has me sighing

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# To forget it, I'm trying

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# But I can't keep away from where I should be

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# Won't you meet me out in Wichita?

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# Meet you out in Wichita?

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# I said out in Wichita

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# Introduce you to my pa

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# Like to have you meet Mama and my sister and very merry uncle Jerry

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# If you'll only promise to be there

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# If you'll only take the dare

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# We'll go to the Cresco Fair

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# Oh, you're a little ways from there

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# Out in Wichita, Kansas

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# Gee-whiz!

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-# Won't you meet me down in Wichita?

-I will meet you down in Wichita

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# I said Wichita

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# The only place to go down in Kansas

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# Like to have you meet Mama and my sister and very merry uncle Jerry

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-# If you'll only promise to be there

-I will take you there

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-# To the Cresco Fair

-To the Cresco Fair

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# Oh, yes, I'll take you there

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-# Out in Wichita, Kansas

-Down in Wichita, Kansas

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# Won't you meet me out in Wichita?

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# I said out in Wichita

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# I said out in Wichita

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# Love to introduce you to my pa

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# Like to have you meet Mama and my sister and very merry uncle Jerry

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# If you'll only promise to be there

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# If you only take the dare

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-# We'll go to the Cresco Fair

-Oh, you live a ways from there

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# Out in Wichita, Kansas

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# Gee-whiz!

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-# Won't you meet me out in Wichita?

-Won't you meet me down in Wichita?

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# I said out in Wichita

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# The only place to be

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# Like to have you meet Mama and my sister and very merry uncle Jerry

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-# If you'll only promise to be there

-I will take you to the Cresco Fair

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-# We'll go to the Cresco Fair

-Oh, yes, I'll take you there

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# Out in Wichita, Kansas

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# Gee-whiz! #

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BOTH: Take it away, Mr Music Man.

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MUSIC CONTINUES

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# Won't you meet me out in Wichita?

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# I said out in Wichita

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# Like to have you meet Mama and my sister and very merry uncle Jerry

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# If you'll only promise to be there

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# We'll go to the Cresco Fair

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# Out in Wichita

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# No place like home

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# There's no place

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# Like Wichita, Kansas

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# Who here fancies Cresco Fair, Western bear

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# Ma and Pa and very merry uncle Jerry

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# Down in Wichita, Kansas!

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# Dooby-dooby-dooby-doo-doo! #

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CHEERING

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Bubbles and Cuddles were impersonated

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by Miss Doreen Hermitage and Miss Julia Sutton.

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And now an Iberian extravaganza.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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An exemplary exuberance of vocal virtuosity.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Wow!

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Spanish ventriloquism.

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Senor Jose Luis Moreno!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Ladies and gentlemen...

-Where?

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-LAUGHTER

-Look in front of you!

-Why?

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Gracias, amigos, senoras, senores...

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Why are you speaking?

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-(Monchito, there's people over there.)

-(Where?)

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-(The people!)

-(Where?!)

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-THERE!

-I JUST SAID...!

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LAUGHTER

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-What is that?! It's a carnival?

-No!

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We are in one of the most beautiful theatres, and this is a great show.

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The Parliament?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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That's too much.

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Thank you, thank you.

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You'll carry on with the show now?

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-(Are you angry?)

-Go ahead.

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(I don't know what to say.)

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They're waiting for you. Please!

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LAUGHTER

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

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I'm sorry...

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MONCHITO WHIMPERS

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Do you remember this beautiful, romantic song...

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-My God!

-..from Spain?

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Which one?

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-Te Quiero, Te Quiero.

-"I love you, I love you"?

-Yes.

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OK, Maestro. Carry on!

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MUSIC STARTS

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MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

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-You sing with me, right?

-Right.

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-Now take it easy, yeah?

-OK.

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Now?

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# De por que te estoy queriendo

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# No me pidas la razon

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# No-o-o-o-o!

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# Pues yo mismo no me entiendo

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# Con mi propio corazon

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# Al llegar la madrugada

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-# Mi cancion...

-..desesperada

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# Te dara la explicacion

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# Cacaion, cacaion, cacaion... #

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You! Bravo, Maestro!

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# Por te quiero... #

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-Softer.

-Oh.

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# Te quiero, te quiero

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# Co-co-co... #

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WOMAN LAUGHS

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"Ha-ha"? What are you laughing about?

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LAUGHTER

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# Y hasta el fin... #

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-Louder!

-Why? Now!

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# Te que-que-que-que-que... #

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More.

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# Qu-u-u-u-u-ue... #

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Again.

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MONCHITO HOLDS THE NOTE

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FANFARE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

0:15:110:15:13

Gracias! Thank you!

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Goodbye!

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Thank you!

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Thank you very much indeed.

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It's really lovely to be here.

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He's no good at all.

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LAUGHTER

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-We didn't hear that.

-No.

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I would like to introduce you now. One of my favourite...

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SUDDEN DRUMROLL

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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To be or not to be...

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..that's the bloody question, ladies and gentlemen.

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PUPPET BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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Blah, blah, blah, blah

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Why are you laughing the others are taking over?

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How are you, my dear?

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-You!

-Yes?

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Who are you?

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-I'm part of the show.

-Oh!

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Ladies, gentlemen

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and in between...

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HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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..this is part of the show.

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How flush.

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-Your name?

-My name?

-Please.

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Jose.

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LAUGHTER

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-Jose? Something else?

-Luis.

-Oh!

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-Surname?

-Moreno.

-HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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LAUGHTER

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MAN CHUCKLES LIKE A BLEAT

0:16:470:16:48

PUPPET MIMICS THE CHUCKLE

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He laughs like a lamb!

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"Ha-ah-ah-ah!"

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-Moreno?

-Yeah, that's my name.

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-Nationality?

-I'm Spanish.

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What are you doing here?

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-I'm working here.

-Ladies and gentlemen...

0:17:030:17:06

..one Spaniard who works.

0:17:070:17:10

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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90% of the Spanish people I know, they work.

0:17:130:17:16

In England, yes.

0:17:160:17:17

LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

0:17:200:17:22

INAUDIBLE

0:17:240:17:28

-By the way...

-Yes? What are you? Profession?

-My profession?

-Yes.

0:17:280:17:32

I'm a ventriloquist.

0:17:320:17:33

Say that again.

0:17:400:17:41

-Ven.

-Ven.

0:17:430:17:45

-Tri.

-Tri.

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-Loquist.

-Rubbish.

0:17:460:17:48

-What is it?

-A ventriloquist is a man who can speak with his stomach.

0:17:490:17:53

Disgusting!

0:17:540:17:56

I would like, only by curiosity, to know your name.

0:17:580:18:01

-Rockefeller.

-HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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-Very funny. So you must speak English?

-Of course.

0:18:040:18:08

-Vous parlez Francais?

-ROCKEFELLER REPLIES IN FRENCH

0:18:080:18:11

Y hablas Espanol?

0:18:110:18:12

MONCHITO REPLIES IN SPANISH

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Shut up, bloody hell! I'm working!

0:18:130:18:15

LAUGHTER

0:18:150:18:17

-I have something for you.

-What is it?

-It's Scotch.

-Oh!

0:18:170:18:21

Cheers to everyone!

0:18:210:18:22

GLUGGING

0:18:220:18:23

That's enough.

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GLUGGING CONTINUES

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HE SLURPS

0:18:290:18:31

Ai!

0:18:310:18:34

Oh!

0:18:340:18:36

HE SINGS DRUNKENLY

0:18:360:18:41

Ai!

0:18:510:18:52

MUSIC PLAYS

0:18:520:18:55

Thank you!

0:18:590:19:01

Garrulously gregarious.

0:19:070:19:10

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

0:19:100:19:12

From the Latin "grex, gregis". In...

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Ingratiating gaminery.

0:19:150:19:18

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:19:180:19:19

Your own, your very, very own Miss Dora Bryan!

0:19:190:19:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:240:19:29

# I'm a lassie from Lancashire

0:19:290:19:33

# Just a lassie from Lancashire

0:19:330:19:37

# None could be fairer or rarer than Sarah

0:19:370:19:42

# My Lassie from Lancashire. #

0:19:420:19:46

-Hello.

-Hello there.

-You all right?

-Yes, thank you.

0:19:460:19:49

-Hello, everybody. You all right?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:19:490:19:52

Do you like the frock? It's nice, isn't it?

0:19:520:19:53

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

0:19:530:19:54

SHE GIGGLES

0:19:540:19:56

I like the way it goes in, don't you?

0:19:560:19:58

Goes in again on Friday. Yes, well...

0:19:580:20:02

Actually, I do have a little monologue for you tonight.

0:20:020:20:05

And it really tells the story of my life.

0:20:050:20:09

Because, you see, I went on the stage when I was 12.

0:20:090:20:13

Be about ten years ago, I suppose.

0:20:130:20:15

LAUGHTER

0:20:150:20:16

Well, time flies, doesn't it?

0:20:160:20:18

I went on the stage when I was a child, and everyone said I'd go far

0:20:200:20:25

I travelled a lot

0:20:250:20:27

But I never quite got to the heights that are reached by a star

0:20:270:20:31

I learned how to act, how to sing, how to dance

0:20:310:20:35

Cos doing anything else simply bored me

0:20:350:20:38

Some people cheered, some people jeered

0:20:380:20:41

And some just sat and ignored me...

0:20:410:20:44

SHE SNIFFS

0:20:440:20:46

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

0:20:460:20:48

Shakespeare I tried, but it wasn't for me

0:20:500:20:53

The critics were booing and hissing

0:20:530:20:56

In Measure For Measure, I gave them no pleasure

0:20:560:20:59

So, in Love's Labours Lost

0:20:590:21:01

I went missing...

0:21:010:21:02

LAUGHTER

0:21:020:21:04

-I played Little Willy...

-WHOOPING

0:21:060:21:08

I did! In East Lynne, you know.

0:21:080:21:11

Well, I get to the bit where he dies, you see

0:21:120:21:16

Then someone yelled, "Mouse!" from the front of the house

0:21:160:21:20

And I landed up in the flies

0:21:200:21:22

Then... Well, for a stunt, I was shot from a cannon

0:21:250:21:29

Oh, dear!

0:21:290:21:30

They fired and I started to shiver

0:21:300:21:33

I did a great curve and then I lost my nerve

0:21:340:21:37

and I landed headfirst in the river...

0:21:370:21:40

LAUGHTER

0:21:400:21:41

No, I can't leave the theatre

0:21:410:21:44

It runs in me blood

0:21:440:21:46

In this game, you've got to have guts

0:21:460:21:49

I found my right sphere - I stand at the rear

0:21:490:21:54

And I sell oranges, apples and nuts.

0:21:540:21:56

LAUGHTER

0:21:560:21:57

FANFARE

0:21:570:21:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:590:22:01

All right, Len? You all right?

0:22:010:22:04

Actually, though, you know, it's funny because,

0:22:080:22:11

when I first went on the stage,...

0:22:110:22:14

-You know, I come from Lancashire. You know I come from...?

-Yeah.

0:22:140:22:17

You can tell I'm from Lancashire?

0:22:170:22:19

That's why I speak like I do.

0:22:190:22:22

I can't help it, speaking like I do.

0:22:220:22:25

Well, anyway, my mother wanted me to train to be a ballet dancer.

0:22:250:22:29

Yes, you know, all that going around on your tip toes.

0:22:310:22:33

WHOOPING

0:22:330:22:35

I don't understand ballet dancing.

0:22:350:22:37

They should get people the right height to begin with,

0:22:370:22:40

-don't you think?

-LAUGHTER

0:22:400:22:42

Anyway, I went to London and I started to change my name,

0:22:450:22:49

because I couldn't see it in lights. You know what my real name is?

0:22:490:22:52

It's Dora May Broadbent.

0:22:520:22:54

It is!

0:22:550:22:56

Well, it doesn't look right, does it? No. Dora May Broadbent, no.

0:22:560:23:02

So I thought, "Well, Bryan, that's a nice name."

0:23:020:23:05

You know, B for "beautiful".

0:23:050:23:07

R for "ravishing".

0:23:070:23:09

Y for "youthful".

0:23:090:23:11

LAUGHTER

0:23:110:23:12

A for "adorable".

0:23:120:23:14

And N for "nobody's going to believe a word of it".

0:23:140:23:17

LAUGHTER

0:23:170:23:19

It's a shame, isn't it?

0:23:190:23:20

Lots of people have changed their names, you know?

0:23:200:23:22

Yes, I thought of Florence Olivier.

0:23:220:23:25

LAUGHTER

0:23:250:23:26

Winifred... Winnifred Pickles, that's rather nice.

0:23:290:23:33

Enid Humperdinck.

0:23:350:23:36

LAUGHTER

0:23:360:23:39

You know, there's lots, isn't there?

0:23:390:23:42

Do you ever remember Lily Morris?

0:23:420:23:44

Well, can you imagine if my mum had called me...

0:23:440:23:48

Lily Broadbent?

0:23:480:23:49

-SHE TUTS

-Oh!

0:23:490:23:52

MUSIC: Why Did They Call Me Lily? by Vivian Ellis

0:23:520:23:55

# Why did they call me Lily?

0:23:580:24:00

# They might have asked me first

0:24:000:24:02

# Gardening names are silly

0:24:020:24:04

# And Lily is the worst

0:24:040:24:06

# A lily reeks of beauty A lily wears a crown

0:24:060:24:10

# Lilies are tall and snooty But I like lying down!

0:24:100:24:13

# You might have called me Merry or Calorie or Cool

0:24:130:24:17

# Jolly or Jungle Berry or Taffeta or Tulle

0:24:170:24:21

# Or Nicotine or Columbine or Atom Bomb or Bubbly Wine

0:24:210:24:25

# Aspirin or Iodine but Lily isn't me

0:24:250:24:29

# Definitely absolutely Lily isn't me

0:24:290:24:33

# Why did they call me Lily? They don't know what they did

0:24:330:24:37

# They name a foal or filly more carefully than a kid

0:24:370:24:40

# Have some consideration and have another go

0:24:400:24:44

# Must it be vegetation?

0:24:440:24:46

# Then why not Mistletoe?

0:24:460:24:48

# A name that is kind and cosy A name that wears a smile

0:24:480:24:52

# Peppermint, say, or Posy Or call me Chamomile

0:24:520:24:56

# I'll answer too to Bubble Tenacity or Trouble

0:24:560:25:00

# Or Butterfly or Alkali Or why not let me be?

0:25:000:25:04

# Amame, Ammonia,

0:25:040:25:06

# Bacteria, Begonia

0:25:060:25:08

# Calypso, Calpurnia

0:25:080:25:10

# Hydrangea or Hernia

0:25:100:25:11

LAUGHTER

0:25:110:25:13

No...

0:25:170:25:19

# Well almost any name would do

0:25:190:25:22

# Victoria or Waterloo

0:25:220:25:24

# But Lily

0:25:250:25:27

# Is not for me. #

0:25:270:25:32

Bye-bye!

0:25:410:25:42

Corruscating crystallinity,

0:25:500:25:54

pellucid limpidity...

0:25:540:25:57

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:25:570:25:58

..lilting Lehar,

0:25:580:26:00

from Maryetta and Vernon Midgley!

0:26:000:26:05

APPLAUSE

0:26:050:26:08

MUSIC: Core 'ngrato (Catari Catari) By Salvatore Cardillo

0:26:160:26:20

THEY SING IN ITALIAN

0:26:210:26:24

MUSIC: Love Live Forever by Franz Lehar

0:28:430:28:47

# Love, life's beginning and ending Never depart

0:28:560:29:02

# Love from the heavens descending Rule in our hearts

0:29:020:29:09

# Love getting or giving Makes life worth the living

0:29:090:29:15

# For where love has not been what does life mean?

0:29:150:29:22

# Love I am weary of waiting Cold and alone

0:29:220:29:29

# Kissing your shadow and making love to a stone

0:29:290:29:35

# Time galloping after youth's music and laughter

0:29:350:29:42

# Love, love live forever

0:29:420:29:48

# And rule our hearts. #

0:29:480:29:56

MUSIC: Girls Were Made To Love And Kiss by Franz Lehar

0:29:580:30:01

# Girls were made to love and kiss

0:30:050:30:12

# And who am I

0:30:120:30:16

# To interfere with this?

0:30:160:30:22

# Is it well?

0:30:220:30:26

# Who can tell?

0:30:260:30:31

# But I know

0:30:310:30:36

# The good God made them so

0:30:360:30:42

# Am I ashamed to follow nature's way?

0:30:420:30:53

# Shall I be blamed if now and then I stray?

0:30:530:31:03

# Does it pay?

0:31:030:31:07

# Who can say?

0:31:070:31:13

# I'm a man

0:31:130:31:18

# And kiss them when I can. #

0:31:180:31:28

MUSIC: The Song of Vilja by Franz Lehar

0:31:350:31:37

# Vilja, oh, Vilja

0:31:390:31:43

# The witch of the wood

0:31:430:31:49

# Would I not die for you dear if I could?

0:31:490:31:59

# Vilja, oh, Vilja

0:31:590:32:07

# My love and my bride

0:32:070:32:14

# Softly and sadly he sighed

0:32:140:32:24

# Sadly he sighed

0:32:240:32:28

# Vilja. #

0:32:280:32:36

MUSIC: Finale from The Merry Widow by Franz Lehar

0:32:390:32:42

# You may study her ways as you can

0:32:450:32:48

# But a woman's too much for a man

0:32:480:32:51

# It is deeper than diving for pearls

0:32:510:32:55

# Courting girls, girls, girls, girls, girls

0:32:550:32:58

# With her fair flaxen hair, eyes of blue

0:32:580:33:01

# She's a long way too knowing for you

0:33:010:33:04

# She is dark or she's fair She may smile or may frown

0:33:040:33:07

# Never mind You will get done brown. #

0:33:100:33:23

Proliferative prolixity

0:33:440:33:48

of frenetic fatuities...

0:33:480:33:52

You've guessed.

0:33:530:33:55

The one and only

0:33:550:33:56

Mr Ken Dodd!

0:33:560:33:58

APPLAUSE

0:33:580:34:01

Shut it!

0:34:150:34:17

First of all, ladies and gentlemen,

0:34:180:34:20

I'd like to say how tickled I am, missus!

0:34:200:34:24

How, how...

0:34:240:34:25

How tickled I am, under the circumstances.

0:34:270:34:31

Standing here, this evening - here, in this magnificent...

0:34:310:34:35

shed.

0:34:350:34:36

This...

0:34:390:34:40

this fantastic, Victorian doss-house...

0:34:400:34:45

and seeing you all here, gathered - nay...

0:34:450:34:48

..assembled...

0:34:490:34:50

..even congregated, perhaps even const...

0:34:520:34:54

Seeing you all here, this evening.

0:34:540:34:56

Here, tonight, I've got my massive tickling stick. Here we go.

0:34:560:35:00

Geronimo!

0:35:030:35:04

Who's going to...?

0:35:070:35:08

Full thrust!

0:35:130:35:14

By Jove!

0:35:140:35:16

So, love...

0:35:180:35:20

By Jove!

0:35:200:35:21

It always blows your hat off, does it?

0:35:230:35:25

I know the feeling.

0:35:280:35:29

Oh, I'll have to get rid of this. Now...

0:35:300:35:32

Will you take it, please? I've been up the pole all day.

0:35:320:35:35

First of all, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to say

0:35:350:35:38

how...how ju-jubilified... Standing here, I knew, tonight,

0:35:380:35:40

I knew it was going to be a wonderful jubilee occasion,

0:35:400:35:42

and I'd like to say, ladies, what a beautiful day!

0:35:420:35:45

What a beautiful day for putting your bustle on back-to-front

0:35:450:35:47

and frightening the life out of your husband.

0:35:470:35:49

I knew this was going to be a jubilee occasion as soon as I came

0:35:520:35:55

on because half the audience are lit up.

0:35:550:35:58

Just once, just once in every...

0:35:580:36:00

..quarter of a century, once in very quarter of a century,

0:36:040:36:07

a moment like this happens - a theatrical moment

0:36:070:36:09

when artist and audience sort of blend together

0:36:090:36:13

in an absolutely momentous occasion.

0:36:130:36:16

Unfortunately, this isn't one of them. But, still, never mind.

0:36:160:36:21

I mean, you were probably saying...

0:36:210:36:23

You're probably sitting there amazed, as I am,

0:36:230:36:25

standing up here, looking at you.

0:36:250:36:27

You're probably saying, "Why are we all here?"

0:36:290:36:31

Why are we all here?

0:36:310:36:32

Because we're not all there, that's why!

0:36:320:36:36

Ladies and gentlemen, you're probably wondering

0:36:360:36:38

why we sent for you.

0:36:380:36:39

Well, it's like this, you see...

0:36:390:36:42

The audience here this evening have all been specially selected

0:36:420:36:45

specially from people who can't afford to buy new clothes.

0:36:450:36:50

It's like...

0:36:550:36:56

Really, it's...

0:36:560:36:58

No!

0:36:580:36:59

APPLAUSE

0:36:590:37:01

It's like performing at a rummage sale!

0:37:040:37:07

Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us this evening

0:37:100:37:13

several of our glorious soldiers,

0:37:130:37:15

several members of Her Majesty's Armed Forces,

0:37:150:37:18

and a gentleman, over here, who has a military bearing...

0:37:180:37:21

Put it away, sir.

0:37:230:37:25

I have been booked here this evening to raise titters.

0:37:280:37:30

It's a funny sort of a job, I agree, but there you are.

0:37:300:37:35

After all, missus, I mean, what is a laugh, love?

0:37:350:37:37

What is a laugh?

0:37:370:37:38

A laugh is a noise that comes out of a hole in your face.

0:37:380:37:42

Anywhere else, you're in dead trouble.

0:37:420:37:44

I could...

0:37:480:37:49

I have prepared, ladies and gentlemen, I have prepared not one

0:37:510:37:54

but three lectures.

0:37:540:37:55

Three lectures here for your edification, here, this evening.

0:37:550:37:58

Three lectures.

0:37:580:37:59

One - I could preach to you on the evils of strong drink,

0:37:590:38:01

if I could think of any.

0:38:010:38:03

Also, my second lecture is

0:38:030:38:05

"Why I'm Becoming A Mormon",

0:38:050:38:06

and my third is...

0:38:060:38:09

APPLAUSE

0:38:110:38:12

.."What Is Enjoyment?"

0:38:160:38:18

Me, myself, personally speaking, I like going round

0:38:180:38:20

depressing Irish terriers by speaking to them in Welsh.

0:38:200:38:25

Our...

0:38:250:38:26

Our dog, at home, his idea of enjoyment is to go round

0:38:270:38:30

worrying sheep.

0:38:300:38:31

He sits on the fence, shouting, "Mint sauce, mint sauce!"

0:38:310:38:34

Animals have always believed in enjoying themselves.

0:38:380:38:42

That's why you've never seen a tom cat going out to work.

0:38:420:38:45

This is our enjoyment - the music hall, ladies and gentlemen!

0:38:450:38:47

The music hall -

0:38:470:38:48

where Harry Champion invented the sparking plug,

0:38:480:38:51

and where big strapping girls in black tights...

0:38:510:38:53

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Ooh...

0:38:530:38:54

Eh?!

0:38:540:38:55

Control yourself!

0:39:030:39:04

Big strapping...

0:39:080:39:10

big strapping girls in black stockings can-canned

0:39:100:39:13

or can't-can'ted, according to their personal whims.

0:39:130:39:17

Missus, you see, this, love, this is an educational show, tonight.

0:39:170:39:19

This is an educational show. When you go out of here tonight

0:39:190:39:22

you'll say, "Well, that's taught me a lesson."

0:39:220:39:24

I am full of fantastic and futile facts. For instance...

0:39:270:39:31

Did you know that if the Earth was to suddenly stop spinning, now,

0:39:350:39:40

the Taj Mahal would hit you right in the back of the neck?

0:39:400:39:43

You did. Oh, well... Tonight,

0:39:430:39:46

friends, we shall be asking mind-boggling questions like,

0:39:460:39:48

"where do flies go in the winter time?"

0:39:480:39:50

And what are the tailors going to do about it?

0:39:500:39:53

I mean...

0:39:550:39:56

They say an elephant never forgets.

0:39:580:40:00

I've never had a birthday card from one, have you?

0:40:000:40:03

You see, folks, we very often, in these audiences,

0:40:030:40:06

here, at The Good Old Days,

0:40:060:40:07

we very often get a lot of intellectuals in the audience.

0:40:070:40:10

Not tonight, of course. But...

0:40:100:40:12

Not that there's anything wrong with this audience,

0:40:120:40:14

that a good, swift kick in it wouldn't cure. In fact,

0:40:140:40:17

I would like to place this on record - would you mind?

0:40:170:40:19

Would you take this down in double writing, please?

0:40:190:40:22

This is the best-looking audience

0:40:220:40:24

I have ever had the honour of playing to!

0:40:240:40:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:270:40:28

And I shall mention this to the optician tomorrow morning...

0:40:310:40:36

Now, we've had numerous requests for a song, this evening.

0:40:360:40:39

And I'd like to sing because, as you know, I have had my voice trained.

0:40:390:40:42

-COUGHS

-They put newspapers down for it.

0:40:420:40:45

And I'd like to...

0:40:450:40:47

sing you...

0:40:470:40:48

..a beautiful baritone song,

0:40:490:40:50

called - and I want you all to join in with me in singing Mistakes.

0:40:500:40:54

# We make mistakes and we worry

0:41:010:41:08

# All over nothing at all

0:41:080:41:13

# We make mistakes that bring heartaches

0:41:150:41:21

# And the teardrops fall like raindrops

0:41:210:41:28

# We make mistakes and feel sorry

0:41:280:41:35

# When we find someone new

0:41:350:41:42

# Ah, but I made the greatest mistake of all

0:41:420:41:49

# When I said goodbye to you. #

0:41:490:41:59

A triumphant fanfaronade

0:42:290:42:32

from the infallible

0:42:320:42:34

Players' Theatre!

0:42:340:42:37

# Right, right, right, right

0:42:430:42:44

# It's all right It's all right now

0:42:440:42:48

# There's no need to worry any more

0:42:480:42:51

# I saw the army wasn't strong

0:42:510:42:55

# Everything was wrong until the day I came along

0:42:550:42:58

# But then the band played They all hoorayed

0:42:580:43:02

# The guns fired a salvo of delight

0:43:020:43:05

# I joined the army yesterday

0:43:050:43:08

# So the army of today's all right

0:43:080:43:11

# There's something about a soldier There's something about a soldier

0:43:190:43:23

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine

0:43:230:43:26

# He maybe a major general He maybe a sergeant major

0:43:260:43:29

# He maybe a simple private of the line, line, line

0:43:290:43:33

# But there's something about his bearing

0:43:330:43:34

# There's something in what he's wearing

0:43:340:43:37

# There's something about his buttons all a-shine, shine, shine

0:43:370:43:39

# Oh, a military chest seems to suit the ladies best

0:43:390:43:43

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine

0:43:430:43:47

# When the man o' war or merchant ship comes sailing into port

0:44:240:44:28

# The jolly tar with joy will sing of land ahoy

0:44:280:44:32

# With a pocket full of money and a parrot in a cage

0:44:320:44:36

# He smiled at all the pretty girls upon the landing stage

0:44:360:44:39

# All the nice girls love a sailor

0:44:390:44:43

# All the nice girls love a tar

0:44:430:44:46

# For there's something about a sailor

0:44:460:44:50

# Well you know what sailors are

0:44:500:44:54

# Bright and breezy Free and easy

0:44:540:44:57

# He's the ladies' pride and joy

0:44:570:45:01

# Falls in love with Kate and Jane Then he's off to sea again

0:45:010:45:04

# Ship ahoy! Ship ahoy!

0:45:040:45:08

# All the nice girls love a sailor

0:45:080:45:11

# All the nice girls love a tar

0:45:110:45:15

# For there's something about a sailor

0:45:150:45:19

# Well you know what sailors are

0:45:190:45:22

# Bright and breezy Free and easy

0:45:220:45:26

# He's the ladies' pride and joy

0:45:260:45:29

# Falls in love with Kate and Jane Then he's off to sea again

0:45:290:45:33

# Ship ahoy! Ship ahoy!

0:45:330:45:36

# Well I'm a bit of a ruin that Cromwell knocked about a bit

0:46:000:46:05

# One that Oliver Cromwell knocked about a bit

0:46:050:46:08

# In the gay old days there used to be some doings

0:46:080:46:12

# No wonder that the poor old abbey went to ruins

0:46:120:46:16

# Those who've studied history sing and shout of it

0:46:160:46:20

# And you can bet your life there isn't a doubt of it

0:46:200:46:23

# Cos outside the Oliver Cromwell last Saturday night

0:46:230:46:27

# I was one of the ruins that Cromwell knocked about a bit

0:46:270:46:31

-# Oh, those who've studied history sing and shout of it

-Shout of it

0:46:310:46:35

-# You can bet your life there isn't a doubt of it

-Doubt of it

0:46:350:46:38

# Outside the Oliver Cromwell last Saturday night

0:46:380:46:41

# She was one of the ruins Cromwell knocked about a bit. #

0:46:410:46:45

Hmm!

0:46:490:46:50

# It's a long way to Tipperary

0:47:340:47:37

# It's a long way to go

0:47:370:47:41

# It's a long way to Tipperary

0:47:410:47:44

# To the sweetest girl I know

0:47:440:47:48

# Goodbye Piccadilly

0:47:480:47:51

# Farewell Leicester Square

0:47:510:47:54

# It's a long long way to Tipperary

0:47:540:47:58

# But my heart's right there

0:47:580:48:02

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag

0:48:020:48:05

# And smile, smile, smile

0:48:050:48:09

# While you've a lucifer to light your fag

0:48:090:48:12

# Smile boys, that's the style

0:48:120:48:16

# What's the use of worrying

0:48:160:48:19

# It never was worthwhile so

0:48:190:48:23

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag

0:48:230:48:26

# And smile, smile, smile

0:48:260:48:30

# Rule Britannia

0:48:300:48:33

# Britannia rules the waves

0:48:330:48:37

# Britons never never never shall be slaves. #

0:48:370:48:48

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag

0:48:530:48:56

# And smile, smile, smile

0:48:560:49:00

# While you've a lucifer to light your fag

0:49:000:49:03

# Smile boys, that's the style

0:49:030:49:07

# What's the use of worrying?

0:49:070:49:10

# It never was worthwhile so

0:49:100:49:13

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag

0:49:130:49:17

# And smile, smile, smile

0:49:170:49:20

# Rule Britannia

0:49:200:49:23

# Britannia rules the waves

0:49:230:49:28

# Britons never never never shall be slaves. #

0:49:280:49:36

Leonard Sachs presents the silver jubilee edition of the old-time music hall programme, first broadcast on 10 January 1978. With Ken Dodd, Jan Hunt and members of the Players' Theatre, London.


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