14/02/1978 The Good Old Days

ALL: # After the ball is over

# After the break of morn

# After the dancers' leaving

# After the stars have gone

# Many a heart is aching

# If you could read them all

# Many the hope that has vanished

# After the ball! #

CHEERING

BAND PLAYS FANFARE

CHEERING

CHEERING

Once again...

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-ALL:

-Good evening!

-Circumlocutory...

-Ooh!

-..of pusillanimity...

-Ooh!

..rhapsodical in ecstatic, eulogistic transports...

-Ooh!

-..inaugurally egregious for your gratification...

inexhaustible in expertise...

the Players Theatre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside

# I do like to be beside the sea

# I do like to stroll along the prom, prom, prom

# Where the brass bands play, tiddly-om-pom-pom!

# Just let me be beside the seaside

# And I'll be beside myself with glee

-BOYS:

-# There are lots of girls beside

# I should like to be beside

# Beside the seaside, beside the sea. #

# All the girls are lovely by the seaside

# All the girls are lovely by the sea

-GIRLS:

-# When we're strolling down beside the ocean

# The ocean, what a commotion!

# All the girls are lovely by the seaside

# With their curls and bits of drapery

# What their age is you don't care

# Everyone is handsome there

# Maidens young and maidens fair

# Maidens old with baby stare

# No front teeth, no back hair

# Trying to smile like Zena Dare

# They're all lovely by the sea

# That's what they're saying!

# They're all lovely by the sea. #

APPLAUSE

# The seaside whirl

# Of a seaside girl

# As deep as a sea

# And as wide as the ocean is she

# Her front teeth cost her a fiver

# They shine just like mother-of-pearl

# And that's why there's always a smile on the face

# Of the seaside girl. #

# I love to go swimming with women

# And women love swimming with me

# He pretends that he's a crab And our dainty ankles grab

# Who wouldn't be a lobster in the sea?

# For peaches all fall on the beaches

# And picking is my speciality

# He gets those Navy notions When he sees floating queens

# He dives into the ocean And he plays submarines

# I love to go swimming with women

# And women love swimming with me. #

# Yes, I do like to be beside the seaside

# I do like to be beside the sea

# I do like to stroll along the prom-prom-prom

# Where the brass bands play, tiddly-om-pom-pom!

# Just let me be beside the seaside

# I'll be beside myself with glee

# There are lots of girls besides I should like to be beside

# Beside the seaside, beside the sea

# Beside the sea, beside the seaside

# Beside the sea! #

-Yeah!

-CHEERING

You will have the Players Theatre once again

later on in the programme.

And now, a Caledonian concatenation...

-Ooh!

-..capriciously, incontestably cacchinatory...

-Ooh!

-..conviviality...

Ooh!

Scottish fun!

..ladies and gentlemen, Mr Barry Cryer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Oh, I'm courting a farmer's daughter

# She's one of the nicest ever seen

# Her cheeks, they are a rosy red

# Her age is just sweet 17

# When I throw my arms around her neck

# And try to steal a kiss

# Oh, she'll wriggle and giggle And twist and twiggle

# And then you'll hear her shouting this

# Will you stop yer tickling, Jock? Will you stop yer tickling, Jock?

# Dinnae make me laugh so hearty Or you'll make me choke

# Oh, I wish you'd stop yer nonsense Just look at all the folk

# Will you stop yer tickling, tickle-ickle-ickling

# Stop yer tickling, Jock? #

Good evening, Macladies and Macgentlemen. Good evening.

-Good evening!

-Good evening to you, Mr Sachs.

-Good evening to you, Mr Cryer.

-A good Scots name, Sachs.

LEONARD LAUGHS There's a lot of Sachs in Glasgow.

If you know where to look for it. Now...

I'm glad the moustache is coming along well, sir.

You've kept up the payments.

Mr Sachs told me he once stayed in a hotel in Glasgow,

booked a tartan room

and got both. This...

APPLAUSE

And that's true, as true as I'm strangling this ferret.

And just behind me, ladies and gentlemen...

Look at that back, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bernard Herrmann!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good evening!

-Good evening!

A legend in his own lunchtime, ladies and gentlemen.

That is not a baton he's waving, it's a water divining rod.

And he's on a lost cause with this lot, I can tell you.

Oh, they like a dram.

But I must admit, as an orchestra, you cannae hold a candle to them.

You daren't, there'd be the hell of an explosion. Now...

They are to music what Mick McManus is to needlework.

Now, ladies and gentlemen...

Never seen so many brown shoes in all my life. Ladies and gentlemen...

And jockey shorts, but that's another story.

Ladies and gentlemen...you may be wondering, "What is he wearing?"

I hope you are, otherwise I haven't got an act. Now...

on my head, or at least it was when I left the dressing room...

is a tam o'shanter, ladies and gentlemen.

This is an exact replica and very similar to the original,

as invented by the well-known Highland poacher

Tam MacSpreading, ladies and gentlemen.

He invented... He used to poach anything, you know.

He poached Scotch eggs, that fella!

To this day, I can never see a Scotch egg without thinking,

"Aren't some hens clever?"

Not to mention bloody brave. But Tam...

Tam - which, of course, as you know, is Scots for "Tom",

as opposed to "credit", which is Scots for everything - Tam...

invented this big hat, ladies and gentlemen,

in which to conceal his ill-gotten gains.

-Ooh!

-Ooh, I do like saying that! Would you all like to say that?

-In which to conceal his... ALL:

-Ill-gotten gains!

After a hard day's tickling trout, or "troot"...

There are two schools of thought,

and I was thrown out of both of them.

After a hard day's tickling trout, he would conceal his...

Ill-gotten gains!

..in this hat, ladies and gentlemen.

But one day, somebody heard a trout

laughing in here, and the game was up.

Yes, that was the day Tam was caught by the gillies. Now...

we move down...

We... HE LAUGHS

"Gillies." Look it up. Here is the jacket.

Here is the jacket, ladies and gentlemen, Auchtermuchty tweed.

Any anglers in the audience will know how every angler longs

for a jacket in which to go fishing. Am I right or am I not?

-Yes!

-A fishing jacket. Thank you, sir. A fishing jacket.

And I did it the proper way.

I went and had the fittings and everything, and here it is.

I'll never forget the assistant's face when I said,

"Of course, I shall be requiring my flies behind my lapel."

But there we are. Now...

Now...

I don't know why I'm shouting, I've got the job. This is the...

This is the kilt, ladies and gentlemen.

Not a BBC tartan, as you may have thought. This is large checks.

This is...

APPLAUSE

You've made my last appearance a very moving one. Now...

HE LAUGHS This is worn...

This is woven, I should say, by Jewish crofters...

..the MacBurtons, in...

in...in the "he-brides".

"Oh-ho-ho-ho," you cry! "Ho-ho-ho!"

And if you cry like that, you ought to see a doctor.

"Oh-ho-ho-ho! It's pronounced 'hebb-rid-ees'."

It is not, ladies and gentlemen, it is pronounced "he-brides".

They have some very strange customs in these isolated communities.

Hence the Gay Gordons. And now...

APPLAUSE

Before... Oh! God bless you.

But enough of this.

But enough of this, cos that's all there is of this.

Ladies and gentlemen, I must tell you,

I had a very tiring and long train journey here.

Tiring and long, but so it should be for the prices they charge.

And, er, it was hell under the seat. Hell under the seat!

So I came out and sat next to a very nice wee woman,

a bonnie soul, and suddenly I noticed she was stroking my sporran.

You know? Well... You don't like to rush these things! And, er...

After a wee moment, I said, "Madam, that's my sporran."

And she said, "Good heavens,

"I've been feeding it biscuits for the last five minutes."

Oh! It's nice to hear them again, isn't it? Nice to hear them.

We Scots have got a sense of humour, haven't we?

Well, we would have, it's a gift. Erm...

Barney Colehan, Mr Colehan, our producer, ladies and gentlemen,

whom God preserve - and I believe they have an arrangement -

..said to me earlier today

it would be fitting on this auspicious occasion

for me to render, rather as one renders fat into a saucepan,

a poem, ladies and gentlemen, for you.

And as soon as Mr Colehan said that, my mind flew back to my

childhood in the Trossachs, in our wee but and ben...

# But and Ben, flowerp... #

Oh, I digress, ladies and gentlemen.

..with my mother, Doris, and my father, Duncan,

who was the local GP, the doctor. He was only four foot ten.

They were known in the neighbourhood as the wee doc and Doris.

And, on, er...

on...on a musical evening, we would gather round.

We were never cold in the winter.

My father used to suck a cough lozenge and breathe on us.

And I would...

I would play on my mother's knee,

as we couldnae afford a piano.

And suddenly, at a moment, a crucial moment

- I don't know why I'm doing this, my back's gone - but at a crucial

moment, a crucial moment, my father would pick up his bagpipes

and cry, "Doris, how about an old Scots lay?" Now...

This was just after the takeaway haggis. You know what a haggis is.

That's a thing that looks like a football

but you don't kick it, you eat it.

It's after you've eaten it you wish you'd kicked it. Anyway...

And Doris would spring back, as well she might and used to,

and she used to say, "What a good idea, Duncan,"

having a way with the words,

and she would launch herself into this quatrain by "Rabbi" Burns,

ladies and gentlemen.

Some...

Oh, I thought somebody else had come on. Some...

Some people can laugh at adversity

Some at fear, some at danger, some doubt

But the man who laughs the loudest of all

Is a Scot with his kilt inside out.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd love to stay,

but I have another engagement in March,

so I would like to close this heart-warming mood with those

immortal words spoken by Miss Flora MacDonald to Bonnie Prince Charlie.

# Will you stop yer tickling, Jock?

# Stop yer tickling, Jock

# Dinnae make me laugh so hearty Or you'll make me choke

# Oh, I wish you'd stop yer nonsense Just look at all the folk

# Will you stop yer tickling Tickle-ickle-ickling

# Stop yer tickling, Jock?... # Repeat!

# Will you stop yer tickling, Jock? Stop yer tickling, Jock!

# Dinnae make me laugh so hearty Or you'll make me choke

# Oh, I wish you'd stop yer nonsense Just look at all the folk

# Will you stop yer tickling Tickle-ickle-ickling

# Stop yer tickling, Jock? # Ach!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Exotic Oriental esotericism...

Ooh!

..bedazzling, defying gravity

in devastating diablerie...

Mr Wong Mow Ting!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

HE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE

APPLAUSE

HE CONTINUES TO SING

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

HE SINGS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

HE SINGS

APPLAUSE

Ya!

MUSIC CONTINUES

HE SINGS ALONG OUT OF TUNE

HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Yay!

APPLAUSE

Finish!

APPLAUSE

There's a septuagenarian for you!

-Ooh!

-Phenomenally felicitous feminine fatuities...

Ooh!

You must all know from your own experience what "fatuousness" means.

..inimitable...

inimitable, idiosyncratic egocentricities.

Who but Miss Sheila Steafel?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I'm awfully partial to music

# So I bought a piano one day

# And engaged a most noted professor

# To teach me the right way...

# ..to play

# A guinea a week as a favour were his terms

# So he said unto me

# The first time he sat down to play, oh, my dears

# Do you know, I could scarcely believe my own ears

# For a genius he turned out to be

# And, oh, the...

# Twiddly bits he used to play When all alone with me

# Popping around whenever he found The opportunity

# And, oh, the...

# Twiddly bits he used to play Nearly gave me fits!

# My heart he won And the deed was done

# With his dear little twiddly bits

# He played all the airs from the classics

# He'd got them all stuffed in his head

# And he promised that Mozart would touch me

# Which surprised me, I thought he was dead

# But I liked him best at extempor'

# The bits he put in on his own

# He gave a new meaning to God Save The Queen

# My dears, it was something that had to be seen

# And what's more, he used one hand alone

# And, oh...

# The twiddly bits he used to play When all alone with me

# Popping around whenever he found The opportunity

# And, oh, the...

# Twiddly bits he used to play Nearly gave me fits!

# My heart he won And the deed was done

# With his dear little... twiddly bits

# He said that I didn't need practice

# It would come to me one of these days

# So I let him do all of the playing

# Which quite thrilled me in various ways

# One miserable day he stopped coming

# But instead sent a bill of advice

# He charged for the trills and the arpeggios

# For this and for that and for these and for those

# But, my dears, there are things

# Beyond a price

# Like...

# ..the...

# ..Twiddly bits he used to play When all alone with me

# Popping around whenever he found The opportunity

# And, oh, the...

# ..Twiddly bits he used to play Nearly gave me fits!

# My heart he won And the deed was done

# With his dear little twiddly, twiddly-widdly, dear little tw...! #

APPLAUSE

Endearingly diminutive...

all-embracing amiability incarnate...

-Ooh!

-..your own, my own,

everybody's own...

Arthur Askey!

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Thank you very much. That's very k-kind. Kind...

Oh, yes, I forgot that.

We always do that. Silly.

Well, that's a bit dangerous down there,

till they had that rail put up.

A couple of years ago, Tessie O'Shea was on this show. Isn't that right?

-Yeah!

-And she fell in the orchestra pit.

She did!

We've got another pianist!

ARTHUR LAUGHS True enough!

Anyway, what I thought I'd do tonight, playmates,

is tell you a few stories.

I know all sorts of stories - English stories,

Irish stories, Scots stories. Anyone here from Scotland?

-A FEW PEOPLE:

-Yes!

-Can you hear me all right?

Yes!

This young couple, y'see, they were engaged, and they were on a

motoring holiday up in Scotland, and one night they went a bit too far.

In the car, I mean, y'know?

And they pulled up at this little Scottish hotel, and the fella said,

"Well, I've only got one room, but it's got a lovely big double bed."

Well, the fella was a bit prissy, like we fellas are, y'know.

He said, "Oh, I don't think..." She said, "Oh, it's all right.

"We've been engaged for five years, we're getting married next year.

"We can put the bolster down the middle of the bed

"and everything will be right and proper."

So they agreed to do that, and the following morning,

they thought they'd go for a walk before breakfast.

And it was very windy, and she had her headscarf on, y'see.

And the wind got under the scarf and blew it over a high wall.

So he said, "I'll get it for you, love."

She said, "Don't bother, it's an old 'un."

"No, no," he said, "I'll get it. I'll climb over the wall."

She said, "You, climb over the wall?

"You can't climb over a bleedin' bolster."

Have they heard that before?

Lovely! Thank you!

I'm going to sing you now a song I sang in my first pantomime.

Off you go, Bernard.

# I got an invitation to the church last Sunday morn

# The wedding that took place made me laugh all over me face

# Charlie Brown was being spliced to Emily McClay

# And, strange to say, most everyone there had a wooden leg

# And Charlie Brown went up the aisle, bumpity-bump, bumpity-bump

# The bride, she went in with a smile, bumpity-bump, bumpity-bump

# The bridesmaid, Eva Dunne Had her doctor carry one

# And the parson, strange to tell Had a bumpity-bump, as well!

# The bride's papa walked up the aisle, bumpity-bump, bumpity-bump

# And Ma came bumping in so verily

# As they played The Wedding March They walked out as stiff as starch

# With a bumpity-bump, the one-legged family

# The bumpings on the church floor, you could hear them everywhere

# Each bump was like the sound of a hammer upon the ground

# And Mary-Ellen Jones said to her young man with a pout

# I hope this place don't catch on fire with all this wood about

# And Charlie Brown went up the aisle, bumpity-bump, bumpity-bump

# The bride, she walked in with a smile, bumpity-bump...

# ..bumpity-bump

# The bridesmaid, Eva Dunne Had her doctor carry one

# And the parson, strange to tell Had a bumpity-bump, as well

# The bride's papa walked up the aisle...

# ..bumpity-bump, bumpity-bump

# And Ma came bumping in so verily

# As they played The Wedding March They walked out as stiff as starch

# With a bumpity-bump, the one-legged family

# The one-legged family! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

-A deliquescent...

-Ooh!

-..osculatory...

-Ooh!

-..apostrophe...

-Ooh!

For the sergeant over there, "osculatory"...means kissing.

Ooh!

..from the ineffa... ineffable...

LAUGHTER AND FRIENDLY JEERING

Don't know me own limits.

..an ineffable cerulean apparition...

A vision in blue.

..for your delight,

Miss Moira Anderson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# In this year of 1792

# Our conventions have been thrown all askew

# And I know I'm out of date When I seek one mate

# One faithful lover true

# To be really in the fashion today

# You must have a dozen beaux in your sway

# But be fair and don't believe in the modern plan

# I want to wait for just one man

# One kiss, one man to save it for

# One love for him alone

# One word, one vow and nothing more

# To tell him I'm his own

# One magic night within his arms

# With passion's flower unfurled

# And I will try to love only one man

# And no other man in the world

# I've been reading stories

# Of romantic glories

# How am I to know

# Where my love will go?

# Soon my knight may find me

# Softly steal behind me

# Put me on a horse

# And carry me away

# Laugh all you like at me

# I'll find my man, you'll see

# One kiss, one man to save it for

# One love for evermore

# One word, one vow and nothing more

# To tell him I'm his own

# One magic night within his arms

# With passion's flower unfurled

# But I will try to love only one man

# And no other man

# In the...

# World! #

APPLAUSE

# When the golden sun sinks in the hills

# And the toil of a long day is o'er

# Though the road may be long

# In the lilt of a song

# I forget I was weary before

# Far ahead, where the blue shadows fall

# I will come to contentment and rest

# And the toils of the day

# May be all charmed away

# In my little grey home in the west

# There are hands that will welcome me in

# There are lips I am burning to kiss

# There are two eyes that shine

# Just because they are mine

# And a thousand things others may miss

# It's a corner of heaven itself

# Though it's only a tumble-down nest

# But with love brooding there

# Why, no place can compare

# With my little grey home

# In the west! #

APPLAUSE

Stentorian celebrant...

-of solitary celibacy...

-Ooh!

..magniloquent in a matrimonial miscellany,

the one and only

Mr Alfred Marks!

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG WITH INTRODUCTORY MUSIC

'Ello, guv'nor, how are ya? All right, guv'nor?

How are ya?

-'Ello, guv'nor. Do you want to hear me tale of woe?

-I'd love to.

A bachelor gay am I

I've been one all me life

I've had a go at most things

But I've never had a wife

I've never known the joy of home

A wife and a little kid

I've had nothing to do with marriage

None of my family did

Me mother used to say to us

All standing in a row

"Let's talk about the facts of life"

And we'd say, "What do you want to know?"

I first fell in love when I was at school

After working like a dog

I managed at last to get the school cert

Her name was Dorothy Hogg...

Ooh, they're a filthy lot up there.

I'm not talking to you.

She'd long pigtails and freckles, too

And wore thick woolly jumpers

We both had braces on our teeth

And when we kissed, we used to lock bumpers

Then our paths soon parted

She ran off with me best friend, Jim

And I was broken-hearted

I really did miss him

Next was a barmaid called Lottie

Now, she seemed just the right girl for me

She was buxom and fair

Her beauty was rare

And her hangover something to see

Another big girl called Doris

All dressed up in jewels and in fur

I mean, a really big girl

She always seemed much nearer to you

Than you ever did to her

I loved her hard and I loved her long

But true love can sometimes hurt

She had something to knock your eye out

Her husband, a wrestler called Bert

So another chapter closed

And it was all over between us

And I went down with seen-us trouble...

No, not sinus - her husband seen us. You see, they're too quick up there!

Then I met a lovely girl

Who loved me now and again

Not now and again But now and again

And again and again and...!

She wore me out with her passion

Her loving was rugged and rough

And all I could say At the end of the day

Was, "I'll be glad when I've had enough"

So better than disillusioned

And only fit for the clinic

I finished as you see me now

A real kitchen cynic...

Now that's a clever line, isn't it?

I thought I'd get away for a bit

To the briny, bright and breezy

I met a girl whose name was Flo

But her friends all called her Easy

Now, she WAS big, you couldn't deny

Enormous, there's no doubt

Every time she went on the beach

The tide was forced to go out

And then I met my Anna

A vicar's daughter well disposed

She had me to tea Went down on one knee

And bloody well proposed!

"My first flush of love," she said to me

And started gaily humming

I said, "If this is your first flush, dear

"There's something wrong with your plumbing"

Now, Anna carried the banner

In a style beyond compare

And as a result, she had a large naval...

Officer, who followed her everywhere...

You see, he's miles ahead of me. It's that lot up there, y'see?

We finally went to the jeweller's shop

To do the proper thing

The assistant said, "Are you getting yours?"

I said, "Yes, but now she wants a ring"

"Let's get married without delay"

I said, all passion spent

"I can't get married just now, my love," she said

"I can't get married, it's Lent..."

What a funny answer.

Anyway, thank Gawd she's got it back now.

Anna, my darling, here she is.

Hello, my lovely Anna.

Oh, isn't she lovely? APPLAUSE

-Oh, Anna!

-What are you doing? You should be at home resting up.

After all, tomorrow's our big day.

-Love the titfer, darlin'.

-Do you like it?

-Oh, I love you, I love you. I worship you.

-Do ya?

-I really worship you. If you was in India, you'd be sacred.

-Aww...

Thank you very much! Don't be long. Come along.

-I won't be late. I'm getting ready for tomorrow.

-Ten o'clock tomorrow.

Ain't she lovely? Eh? Gorgeous!

Well, now, fixed a fateful day

To sign up for wedded bliss

There's only one thing left for me to do

And that's go out with the boys on the...

town.

I'll see you later on. I'll see you, mate.

# I must get married today

# Or what will the neighbours say?

# What's to become of the wedding spread

# The easy chair and the feather bed?

# Find me someone to marry or else

# My poor little heart will break

# Anything young in a skirt will do

# It's a pity to waste the cake

# Yes! Anything young in a skirt will do

# It's a pity to waste the cake. #

BAND PLAYS THE WEDDING MARCH

# Why am I always a bridesmaid

# Never the blushing bride?

# Ding-dong, wedding bells

# Always ring for other gals

# But one fine day

# Oh, let it be soon

# I shall wake up in the morning

# On my own honeymoon. #

# Mary Ellen at the church turned up

# Her mother turned up and her dad turned up

# Her sister Gert and her rich uncle Bert

# And the parson in his long white shirt turned up

# But no bridegroom with the ring turned up

# But a telegraph boy with his nose turned up

# Brought a telegram that said he didn't want to wed

# And they'd find him in the river with his toes turned up. #

APPLAUSE

# I'm getting married in the morning

# Ding-dong, the bells are gonna shine

# Pull out the stopper Let's have a whopper

# But get me to the church on time

# I've gotta be there in the morning

# Spruced up and looking in me prime

# Girls, come and kiss me

# Show how you'll miss me

# But get me to the church on time

# If I am dancing, roll up the floor

# If I am whistling...

WHISTLE BLOWS # ..me through the door

# I'm getting married in the morning

# I'm getting married in the morning

# Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime

# Ding-dong, the bells will chime

# Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass

# And get me to the church on time

# If I am dancing, roll up the floor

# If I am whistling...

WHISTLE BLOWS # ..me through the door

# I'm getting married in the morning

# Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime

# Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass

# And get me to the church

# Get me to the church

# For Pete's sake, get me to the church

# on...

# time! #

APPLAUSE

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

there's just time to ask Mr Alfred Marks to lead the company and

yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Alfred Marks, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and inestimable orchestra...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..but this time, chiefly...

-ALL:

-Yourselves!

ALL: # Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da-da da-da-da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band Da da-da da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG WITH MUSIC