15/02/1979 The Good Old Days

# Let's all go to the music hall

# Where the songs are gay and bright

# Let's all go to the music hall

# Where the stars are twinkling half the night

# Whether you're in the gallery, the circle or the pit

# Or whether you sit in the red, plush stalls

# Oh, let's all go to the music hall tonight

# Let's all go to the hall! #

# All hands on deck!

# There's a pretty little craft in sight

# All hands on deck, for she does look all right

# What do we care if the ship becomes a wreck?

# Oh, we haven't seen a girl in 18 months

# All hands on deck!

# All hands on deck!

# There's a pretty little craft in sight

# All hands on deck, for she does look all right

# What do we care if the ship becomes a wreck?

# Oh, they haven't seen a girl in 18 months

# All hands on deck! #

# My boy's a sailor man, my boy's a tar

# Oh, girls, you ought to know what sailors are

# If one comes on to you, just home from sea

# And he's got fancy tattoos on his arm, he belongs to me

# If one comes on to you, just home from sea

# And he's got fancy tattoos on his arm

# He belongs to me. #

# All the nice girls love a sailor

# All the nice girls love a tar

# For there's something about a sailor

# Well, you know what sailors are!

# Bright and breezy, free and easy

# He's the ladies' pride and joy

# Falls in love with Kate and Jane, then he's off to sea again

# Ship ahoy! Ship ahoy!

# All the nice girls love a sailor

# All the nice girls love a tar

# For there's something about a sailor

# Well, you know what sailors are!

# Bright and breezy, free and easy

# He's the ladies' pride and joy

# Falls in love with Kate and Jane, then he's off to sea again

# Ship ahoy! Ship ahoy! #

# Sons of the sea

# All British born

# Sailing every ocean

# Laughing foes to scorn

# They may build their ships, my lads

# And think they know the game

# But they can't build the boys of the bulldog breed

# Who made old England's name

# No, they can't build the boys of the bulldog breed

# Who made old England's name. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Once again, good evening,

ladies and gentlemen!

-ALL:

-Good evening!

Kaleidoscopically... AUDIENCE GROAN

..charismatic, our coruscating cornucopia...

AUDIENCE OOHS ..cascades into increasingly

apoplectic... AUDIENCE OOHS

..percussiveness, prodigiously produced...

LAUGHTER ..by Mr Alan Randall!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Now, when I was a boy, me mother's pride and joy

# She gave me a whistle, this is it

# And no matter where I go, land of hope or picture show

# Me little whistle always makes a hit

# It's been a pal to me, it's as easy as can be

# To blow it doesn't use up any gristle

# A lady came to tea, and when she smiled at me

# I blew a little blast on me whistle

# Once in a country lane, while sheltering from the rain

# I soon found out I was not alone

# I heard a sound like this

# It must have been a kiss

# Two lovers thinking they were on their own

# They carried on disgraceful, I went all goosey like

# But when the lady shouted, "Stop it, Cecil!"

# I took it for a hint, I had a little squint

# And I couldn't blow a blast on me whistle

# Well, I'm married now, I really don't know how

# To tell you of the news that came today

# I've a little son and heir

# Just one, no, not a pair

# No wonder that I'm feeling bright and gay

# I'm feeling very proud, but I mustn't talk so loud

# I've been celebrating at the Rose and Thistle

# He's a lovely little kid and the first thing that he did

# Was to blow a little blast on his whistle. #

Oh, you want more?

All right.

Thank you!

Thank you very much, thank you.

Well, you are a lovely audience,

and now I'm going to sing one of the old favourites.

I'll sing the verse and you can all join in the chorus. Off we go, Bert.

# I'm leaning on a lamp

# Maybe you think I look a tramp

# Maybe you think I'm hanging round to steal a car

# But, no, I'm not a crook

# And if you think that's what I look

# I'll tell you why I'm here and what my motives are... #

Come on, you all know it, let's hear you sing.

# I'm...

-ALL:

-# Leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street

# In case a certain little lady comes by... #

Champion!

# Oh, me, oh, my

# I hope the little lady comes by

# I don't know if she'll get away, she doesn't always get away

# But anyway, I know that she'll try

# Oh, me, oh, my

# I hope the little lady comes by

HE SCATS

# There's no other girl I would wait for

# But this one, I'd break any date for

# I won't have to ask what she's late for... #

Your turn.

# She wouldn't leave me flat, she's not a girl like that

# Now, she is absolutely wonderful and marvellous and beautiful

# And everyone can understand why

# I'm leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street

# In case a certain little lady comes by...

And again, come on!

# I'm leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street

# In case a certain little lady comes by

# Oh, me, oh, my

# I hope that little lady comes by

# I don't know if she'll get away, she doesn't always get away

# But anyway, I know that she'll try

# I'm leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street

# In case a certain little lady comes by. #

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

Assorted artefacts,

in continuous, circumrotatory...

AUDIENCE OOHS

..parabolic...

LAUGHTER

No, it's not a medicine!

..Parabolic...trajectory!

AUDIENCE OOHS

Juggling!

AUDIENCE OOHS

From Switzerland, Sollveno!

APPLAUSE

Ebulliently buxom...

AUDIENCE OOHS ..beguilingly gorgeous,

from Devon, for your delight,

Miss June Marlow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

# I don't care, I don't care

# What people think of me

# I'm happy-go-lucky, they say that I'm plucky

# Contented and carefree

# I don't care, I don't care

# If he's a clerk or just a millionaire

# If I'm never successful, it won't be distressful

# Cos I don't care

# They say I'm crazy

# Got no sense

# But I don't care

# They may or may not mean offence

# But I don't care

# You see, I'm sort of independent

# Of the clever race descendant

# My star is on the ascendant

# That's why I don't care

# I don't care, I don't care

# What people think of me

# I'm happy-go-lucky, they say that I'm plucky

# Contented and carefree

# I don't care, I don't care

# If he's a clerk or just a millionaire

# And if you should sock me,

# Then no, it won't rock me

# I'll try to forgive it,

# I know I'll outlive it

# Don't try to rearrange me

# Nothing can change me

# Cos I don't care

# I don't care! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

STRING SECTION PLAYS

# Come to me

# My melancholy baby

# Cuddle up and don't be blue

# All your fears are foolish fancy maybe

# You know, dear, I'm in love with you

# Every cloud must have a silver lining

# Wait until the sun shines through

# Smile, my honey, dear

# While I kiss away each tear

# Or else I shall be melancholy too

# My love is true and just for you

# I'd do almost anything at any time

# Dear, when you sigh or when you cry

# Something seems to grip this very heart of mine

# Come to me

# My melancholy baby

# Cuddle up and don't be blue... #

SHE CALLS OUT: All your fears are foolish.

# All your fears are foolish fancy maybe

# You know, dear, that I'm in love with you... #

Every cloud must have a silver lining.

# Every cloud must have a silver lining

# Wait until the sun shines through

# Smile, my honey, dear

# While I kiss away each tear

# Or else I shall be melancholy

# Too. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Hectic harbinger

of uninhibited hilarity in headgear hijinks!

Audience: Ooh!

All those Hs. Mr Deryk Parkin!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Now, how I came to get this hat is very strange and funny

# Grandfather died and left to me his property and money

# And when the will it was read out

# They told me straight and flat

# If I would have his money, I must always wear this hat

# And now everywhere I go, people shout out

# "Where did you get that hat? Where did you get that tile?"

# "Oh, isn't it a nobby one and just the proper style?

# "I should like to have one just the same as that"

# Wherever I go they shout, "Hello, where did you get that hat?" #

It's true, you know.

Everywhere I go people laugh at me and my hat.

Yes, they do!

I don't know why, it's a beautiful hat, that.

A beautiful piece of material.

You feel that, Mr Sachs, feel it.

-Yes.

-It's felt.

LAUGHTER

# Grandfather served with Nelson upon the briny sea

# Embraced upon the quarter deck

# There were none so brave as he

# When Nelson got his fatal wound

# And on the deck did swoon

# Instead of kissing Hardy

# He began to croon this tune

# "Where did you get that hat? Where did you get that tile?

# "Oh, isn't it a nobby one and just the proper style?

# "I should like to have one just the same as that"

# Wherever I go they shout, "Hello, where did you get that hat?"

# La-de-dum-da-dee-da-dee... #

LAUGHTER

# Grandfather was a dustman when he left the great Navy

# Despite his dirty trousers, ladies took him in for tea

# They offered him their crumpet... #

LAUGHTER

# ..and home-made cakes as well

# For they were eager that he should to them the secret tell

HIGHER PITCH: "Where did you get that hat?

# "Where did you get that tile?

# "Oh, isn't it a nobby one and just the proper style?

# "I should like to have one just the same as that"

# Wherever I go they shout, "Hello where did you get that hat?" #

# La-de-dum-dum-dah... #

LAUGHTER

# When Grandad did his courting

# And beneath the moon he sat

# To whisper his sweet nothings he would always wear this hat

# With brim turned down to hide his blush

# He'd offer her the ring

# In awe and admiration, the young lady then would sing

# "Where did you get that hat? Where did you get that tile?

# "Oh! Isn't it a nobby one and just the proper style?

# "I should like to have one just the same as that"

# Wherever I go they shout, "Hello, where did you get that hat?"

# Ah-de-da-da...

# La-la-la-la-la... #

AUDIENCE JOINS IN

# Now, following in Father's footsteps

# I got married just last week

# And naturally I wore this hat

# Tradition so to keep

# But halfway through the service

# When I came to say "I do"

# The vicar said. "But first there is one thing I'll ask of you"

DEEPER VOICE: "Where did you get that hat? Where did you get that tile?

# "Oh, isn't it a lovely one and just the proper style?

# "I should like to have one just the same as that"

# Wherever I go they shout, "Hello, Where did you get that hat?"

Oh!

AUDIENCE: # "Where did you get that hat? Where did you get that tile?

# "Oh, isn't it a nobby one and just the proper style?

# "I should like to have one just the same as that"

# Wherever I go they shout, "Hello, where did you get that hat?" #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Albert, our adept auxiliary, sets the scene

for an excursion into classical culture,

with Mr James Tyler!

APPLAUSE

HORN AND PIANO PLAY

HE PLAYS BANJO

FASTER TEMPO

MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS AT HIGH TEMPO

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lustrously loquescent in Lehar's limpidities,

svelte, debonair, dynamic,

Mr David Kernan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# My very happy fatherland

# Whenever will you understand?

# I'll sweat for you with all my might

# But rather more my day than night

# I'm sitting at my desk by one

# Among the urgent files galore

# A little furtive drinking done

# I'm back at home for drinks at four

# The strain of it is great indeed

# Until the day I see the light

# No wonder that I surely need

# A little change of scene at night

# I'm off to Chez Maxim

# To join the whirling stream

# For one brief hour entrancing

# The moments fly romancing

# Lolo, do-do, jou-jou

# Cloclo, Margot, frou frou

# And when it comes to dancing

# Goodbye by Fatherland

# At Maxim's once again

# I swim in pink champagne

# When people ask what bliss is

# I simply answer, this is!

Lolo, do-doh, jou-joue

# Cloclo, Margot, frou frou

# And when it comes to kisses

# Goodbye my Fatherland. #

# Love unspoken, faith unbroken

# My life through

# Strings are playing, hear them saying

# "Love me true"

# Now the echo answers

# "Say you want me too"

# All the world's in love with love

# And I love you

# Love unspoken, faith unbroken

# My life through

# Strings are playing, hear them saying,

# "Love me true".

# Now the echo answers

# "Say you want me too"

# All the world's in love with love

# And I love you. #

# What to think, what to say, what to do

# What a red letter day if we knew

# Being male, we may fail if we try

# But we try, try, try, try, try

# Clutching hook we must cope as we can

# Oh, it's plainly too much for a man

# Though you sweat, though you slave, they forget what you wave

# Then you're back where you first began

# Women, women, women, women, women

# Are...

# What to think, what to say, what to do

# Being men, we may fail if we try

# Yes, we'll try, try, try, try, try

# Clutching hook we must go as we can

# No, it's plainly too much for a man

# Though we sweat, though we slave, they forget what you gave

# Then you're back where you first began... #

Preposterous, paragon of plenitudinous

protean prowess. Sorry.

The one and only Mr Roy Castle!

That's great(!)

Well, I must say it is great to be appearing here.

I've been on 15 seconds and brought the place down.

APPLAUSE

My husband and I...

LAUGHTER

# My desert is... #

I have to get out of this lot. Well done, Albert.

Have we got everything here? Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

Sorry about that.

I did so want to make a good entrance, too.

Because tonight I have a duty to perform, ladies and gentlemen.

A duty that I feel should have been performed many, many years ago.

I do feel that this should have been performed many years ago and

I'm going to perform it now.

That's why I brought this.

HE PLAYS FANFARE

There has never been a tribute to our Leonard.

APPLAUSE

Stalwart of The Good Old Days for years.

His intellect and poignant sense of humour can only be compared

to Will Shakespeare's.

His dextrous handling of the English language leaves giants

clawing helpless in the wake

with words like interdecontaminationallyistical.

There is no-one else the challenge up will take.

Not even Shake.

Sartorially his garmenture is perfect.

His coiffeur is flawless to a hair.

His manicure defies deluxe description.

But he's got a shiny bottom on his chair.

As he sits there behind lumined candle,

his career we can finally unravel.

Who would think that he once wrote to Barney Coleham,

"Am available, have gavel and will travel."

And there he's sat for many generations...

LAUGHTER It's true.

But one point I am rather loathe to push, the reason Barney

has kept there for eons,

to give him time to learn the words to Bull And Bush.

The white gloves we tend to take for granted,

we notice not the laundered musketeer.

Unblemished shirt front and a rigid collar,

we forget the shiny bottom on the chair.

But now it is time to recognise allegiance, devotion,

in heterogeneous ways. Yes.

A long overdue tribute to our Leonard.

Without him, there'd be no good in Good Old Days.

Come on, Albert.

There we are, thank you very much, Albert.

My final rendering tonight, I think we should attempt some

form of record and for this I'm going to give you a medley.

There are plenty of singalongs and swimalongs and all kinds

of things but this is a medley called Singalong If You Can.

The idea is as soon as one song reminds you of another one, you have

to switch to the new song.

The idea is something like...

# On a wonderful day like today...

# Daisy, Daisy. #

See what I mean? There is only one rule.

We're not allowed to repeat any song. Nothing must be repeated.

Thank you, Mr Pianist.

# On a wonderful day like today

# Daisy, daisy

# Give me your answer, do

# What you will, the countryside is still

# The only make believe

# I love your only make believe

# That you were the only girl in the world

# And I-I-I-I like you very much

# I-I-I-I'm sitting on top of the world

# Just rolling along

# Just sing...ing in the rain

# Just singing in the rain

# What a mouth, what a mouth what a north and south...of the border

# Down Mexico way

# Way down upon the Swannee River

# Far... Far.... Far....

DISCORDANT PIANO NOTES

# Far... #

That wasn't you again, was it?

# Far, far, far

# Far away places

# Strange dear, but true dear

# When I'm close tonight

# Tonight, tonight

# Won't be like...any old iron, any old iron, any any any old

# McDonald had a farm, ee-aye-ee-aye-oh

# Oh, you beautiful doll

# You great big beautiful dream...er

# Wake up to...me and my shadow

# Strolling down the aven...

# You always hurt the one you...

# Love is like a viol...

# ..in a little Spanish town It was on a night like this...

# ..is my lovely

# Daisy

AUDIENCE JEER

Day-day-day... Right...

Day, day, day...

# Day tried to tell me we're too young

# To young to really be...

# In the cool, cool, cool of the evening

# Tell 'em I'll be...there's a small ho...

# Tell 'em I'll be...there's a small ho...

# Tell 'em I'll be...there's a small ho...

# Tell 'em I'll be...there's a small ho...

# Tell 'em I'll be...there's a small ho...

# Tell 'em...I'll be with you

# In apple blossom time

# On my hands, knees and boomps-a-daisy

# Daisy, daisy!

# Daisy

# Daisy, Daisy Crockett

# Queen of the wild frontier...

# ..we are, 'ere we are

# 'Ere we are again

BRASS SECTION DROWNS HIM OUT

Hold, hold, hold!

Hold, hold...

# Hold McDonald had a farm

# Ee-aye-ee-aye-oh! #

APPLAUSE

The vitality, versatility,

in a vehicular velue. Once again, the Players Theatre.

# Shout hurrah for the motorcar

# Get out of the way, get out of the way

# There's a lovely girl named Florrie

# But for short we call her Flo

# And she really feels quite sorry

# The boys all love her so

# She's a neat little, sweet little, icicle

# Her heart must be made of snow

# She once used to ride on a bicycle

# But now she prefers to go

# On a motorcar

# Oh, Flo, why do you go

# Riding along on your motorcar?

# People say you're peculiar

# Singular So you are

# Oh, Flo, do let me go

# I'll be your guiding star

# There's room for two - me and you - on an elegant motorcar

# Johnny O'Connor bought an automobile

# He took his sweetheart for a ride one Sunday

# Johnny was togged up in his best Sunday clothes

# She nestled close to his side

# Things went just dandy till he got down the road

# Then something happened to the old machinery

# That engine got his goat Off went his hat and coat

# Everything needed repairs

# He'd have to get under Get out and get under

# To fix his little machine

# He was just dying to cuddle his queen

# But every minute when he'd begin it

# He'd have to get under Get out and get under

# Then he'd get back at the wheel

# A dozen times they'd start to hug and kiss

# And then the darned old engine it would miss

# Then he'd have to get under Get out and get under

# And fix up his automobile. #

# Then he'd have to get under Get out and get under

# And fix up his automobile. #

And now there's only just time to ask Mr Roy Castle to lead

the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Roy Castle and the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra.

APPLAUSE

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull And Bush Da, da, da, da, da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull And Bush

# Hear the little German Band, Da, da, da, da, da,

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull And Bush

# Bush! Bush! #

CHEERING