25/01/1979 The Good Old Days

# Let's all go to the music hall

# Where the songs are gay and bright

# Let's all go to the music hall

# Where the stars are twinkling half the night

# Whether you're in the gallery, the circle or the pit

# Or whether you sit in the red, plush stalls

# Oh, let's all go to the music hall tonight

# Let's all go to the hall! #

# Hoorah, 'tis the morning

# To the course we made our way

# Lords and ladies, lads and lasses

# All appealing, bright and gay. #

# It's nice and warm, I think that we should have a lovely day

# Very, very warm for May

# Eighty in the shade, they say Just fancy!

# It almost looks as though the sun has really come to stay

# Oh, what very charming weather

# It's nice and warm, I think that we should have a lovely day

# Very, very warm for May

# Eighty in the shade, they say Just fancy!

# It almost looks as though the sun has really come to stay

# Oh, what very charming weather. #

ENSEMBLE TALK AMONGST THEMSELVES

# Back your fancy, back your fancy, come and have a gamble

# But look at the price just once or twice before you join the scramble

# Wait until your chicks are hatched before you count them up

# There's many a slip between the tip

# And the horse that wins the cup! #

# Put me amongst the girls

# Put me amongst the girls

# Do me a favour

# Do you know I'd do the same for you?

# If you would put me amongst the girls

# Oh, the ones with the curly curls

# They'll enjoy themselves and so will I

# Oh, put me amongst the girls... #

# If you would put me amongst the girls. #

Thank you!

# The horses are out, see, there they go

# The fun is about to start, and so

# We hustle and screw to get a good view

# Or storm a position for seeing the show

# The sun is there, he takes a stand with business-like air, flag in hand

# He's lining them up to run for the cup

# He's lining them up to run for the cup!

# His orders are curt - oh, isn't it grand?

# Isn't it grand?

# They're off, they're off, the race begins, and everyone grips the rail

# I hope the favourite wins

# The chestnut can unveil

# Faster, faster, oh, what a race!

# Now number seven is through.

# I think he'll win if he keeps up the pace!

# And look at that jockey in blue!

# He certainly knows how to ride

# Galloping, galloping, galloping, galloping, now we go into the slate

# I can't see Dandy Dick

# There he is, he's number eight

# Galloping, galloping, nearly there

# The favourite's running away

He's up by a leg, he's nearly there, hooray, hooray, hooray

# He's up by a leg, he's nearly there, hooray, hooray, hooray! #

ALL: Hooray!

APPLAUSE

Once again, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

And very especially tonight to the lady and gentleman who've come

all the way from Norway just to see the show, up there.

APPLAUSE

Phraseologically flamboyant,

in fulsome, in comiastic eulogies.

Flaunting preliminary in the players' set, Mr Norman Vaughan.

This time in Blarneying buffoonery, Mr Pat Mooney.

APPLAUSE

Fantastic. Lovely to see yous all.

I'm sorry about the suit.

It'll be all right when it's ripe.

Pat said to Mick, "Can you count?"

He says, "Of course I can. One, two, three, four, five."

He says, "Can you count any higher?"

He says, "Yes. One, two, three, four, five."

Dafties!

Murphy was working on a building site and the slate fell off the roof

and cut his ear off.

And all the lads are looking in the rubble, and the sand, and the cement

for Murphy's ear.

Robert, he says, "'Ere, there's an ear 'ere, Murphy. Is that your ear?"

Murphy says, "No, mine's got a pencil behind it."

Pat and Mick are in a big pub having a drink,

and there's a big mirror along one wall.

And Pat looks over to the mirror and he says,

"Jesus, Mick, there's a fellow over there the image of you."

And Mick looks over to the mirror and he says,

"How's that for a coincidence. Look at the fellow beside him."

Pat looks over, he says,

"Jesus, he's all right. I'll get up and get them a drink."

And as he stood up, Mick said,

"Sit down, I think they're coming over."

He was driving Mick down the road in his old car the other day,

and he went right through a set of red lights.

Mick says, "You've just gone through a set of red lights."

He says, "Don't panic. Murphy does it all the time."

They went through the next set of red lights.

He says, "That's two sets of red lights you've gone through. Are you trying to kill the pair of us?"

He says, "Don't panic. Murphy does it all the time."

The next lights were on green,

and he stopped the car and put the brakes on.

He says, "You've just gone through two sets of red lights. What are you stopping at the green ones for?"

He says, "Precautions. Murphy might be coming the other way."

He opened a fish and chip shop,

and an Englishman walks in and he says, "Fish and chips, twice".

And Murphy said, "I heard you the first time."

He walked into a plumber's. He said, "I'd like to buy a bath."

The plumber says, "Would you like a plug with it?"

He says, "Why, is it electric?"

This is true - he went to France for his holidays,

walks in the biggest casino in Monte Carlo.

The governor met him at the door and says, "Bonsoir, Monsieur Murphy."

He had his wellies on, you see, at the time.

He says, "You wish to gamble? Would you like to gamble, monsieur?"

He says, "Roulette, monsieur?"

"Not roulette, sir, I can't count up to 36."

He says, "Chemin de fer?"

He says, "No, I was at the Puck Fair last week, sir, no, no."

He says, "Ho-ho-ho, all we have left for you is dominoes."

He says, "I like that game, that's the game with the spots, isn't it, dominoes? I like that game."

He says, "Monsieur, here in Monte Carlo,

"every spot on the dominoes is 18-carat diamonds. You will like this game."

And he sits down with all these millionaire Frenchmen playing

dominoes with 18-carat diamond spots,

and he's losing all his money,

and he's down to his last couple of francs and he thinks to himself,

"I'm not going home broke,"

and he flicks one of these dominoes into his welly.

And he hobbles all the way back to his hotel

and when he got it out, it was a double blank!

Oh, you're a joy.

Look at the styles here tonight. Where are you all from?

Where are you from, love? Where do you come from?

-Prestwich.

-Prestwich!

Are you? Did you read the papers this morning about Prestwich?

They've just done worldwide statistics on women.

They've found out that 90% of the women of Prestwich

are unfaithful to their husbands. How about that?

And the 10% who are faithful to their husbands

so impressed the Archbishop of Canterbury,

he sent them all a letter of congratulations each.

Wasn't that nice of him? Wasn't it?

Do you know what it said in the letter?

Didn't you get one?

Oh!

Sorry about that. It's been lovely, back with you again here.

This is lovely, being here with you all.

I'd like to leave you all with a thought to go home with tonight -

never put off till tomorrow what you can do tonight,

because if you do it tonight, and you like it,

you can do it again tomorrow!

Goodnight, God bless you! Thank you!

IRISH MELODY

I must say, the hats are... orchidaceous tonight!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Not very much decollete,

the show is really more millinery than naval, isn't it?

A superlative distillation

-of coruscating descant...

-Oooh!

..and dithyrambic deliquescence.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your delight,

Maryetta and Vernon Midgley!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC STARTS

# Lovely night O, night of love

# Within your stillness lies

# Moon and stars in heaven above

# Sweet rapture o'er us shed

# Time will pass and joy will fade

# For love is ne'er undying

# Life is but of sorrow made

# The day that love is dead

-# O, gently wafting breeze

-O, gently wafting breeze

-# Fan our cheeks with your kiss

-Fan our cheeks

-# O, gently wafting breeze

-O, gently wafting breeze

-# Fan our cheeks with your kiss

-Fan our cheeks

-# Fan our cheeks

-Fan our cheeks

-# With a kiss

-With a kiss

-# Oo-oo-ooh

-Oo-oo-ooh

# O, lovely night, O, night of love

# Within your stillness lies

# Moon and stars in heaven above

# Sweet rapture o'er us shed

# O, night of love

-# O, night of love

-O, night of love

# O, lovely night

# O, night of love. #

THEY VOCALISE IN HARMONY

THEY HOLD HIGH NOTE

APPLAUSE

MUSIC RESTARTS

# I remember

# I remember

# I remember how we loved our lovely day

# I was never kissed before

# In that kind of way

# If you kiss me any more

# I should run away

# We must part, but, oh, my heart

# With you will remain

# I was never kissed before

# So kiss me once again

# In September when the grapes are purple

# Marguerite pick the grapes with me

# There are silver bells upon her fingers

# All the little birds come out to see

# Ma belle Marguerite

# So beautiful to see

# Les mains de ma petite

# Marguerite picking grapes with me

# Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling- a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-ay

# Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling- a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-ay

# Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling- a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-ay

# Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling- a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-ay

# In September when the grapes are purple

# Marguerite picking grapes with me

# There are silver bells upon her fingers

# Marguerite picking the grapes with me-e-e-e

# Marguerite picking grapes with me. #

APPLAUSE

# This is my lovely day

# This is the day I shall remember

# The day I'm dying

# They can't take this away

# It will be always mine

# The sun and the wine

# The sea birds crying

# All happiness must pay

# And who can tell if fate means well

# Or the sky is lying

# But look at me and say

# You will remember too

# That was our lovely day

# I'll remember

# I'll remember

# When the time has come for happiness to pay

# Sad and sighing

# Old and dying

# I'll remember how we loved

# Our lovely day

# Our lovely day

# Our lovely...

# da-a-a-ay. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

From tartily...

That doesn't mean what you think it means, sir(!)

Scintillant in intriguing, esoteric intrepidity...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..of equilibristic equipoise.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Balancing.

Tchenguiz!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

For the first time in this programme,

that twinkling, terpsichorean...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Dancing.

For the feet(!)

LAUGHTER

..troubadour, Mr Benny Garcia!

APPLAUSE

# In days of yore, before the war when hearts now old were young

# At home each night by firelight those dear old songs were sung

# Sweet melodies, their memories around my heart still cling

# That's why I long to hear a song like grandma used to sing

# California here I come, hey

# Right back where I started from

# Where bowers are flowers bloom in the spring

# Each morning at dawning birdies sing and everything

# A sun kissed miss said "Don't be late!"

# That's why I can hardly wait

# Come on and open up your Golden Gate

# California, here I come

# Come on and open up your Golden Gate

# California, here I come

Hey!

# Come on and hear, come on and hear

# Alexander's Ragtime Band

# Come on and hear, come on and hear

# It's the best band in the land

# They can play a bugle call like you never heard before

# So natural that you want to go to war

# It's just the bestest band that am, oh, my honey lamb

# Come on along, come on along

# Let me take you by the hand

# Up to the man, I said the man, who's the leader of the band

# And if you care to hear the Swanee River played in rag-time

# Come on and hear, come on and hear

# Alexander's Ragtime Band

# And if you want to hear the Swanee River played in rag-time

# Come on and hear, come on and hear

# Alexander's Ragtime Band

# Does your mother know you're out

# Cecilia

# Does she know that I'm about

# To steal ya?

# Oh, my, when I look in your eyes

# Something tells me

# You and I should get together

# How's about a little kiss

# Cecilia?

# Oh, just a kiss you'll never miss

# Cecilia

# Oh, why should we two

# Keep on wasting time?

# Hey, oh, Cecilia, won't you please be mine?

# Now why should we two

# Keep on wasting time?

# Oh, Cecilia, won't you, please

# Oh, Cecilia, come on, please

# Oh, Cecilia, won't you please be mine? #

Hey!

APPLAUSE

Your traditional warmth of welcome and perhaps more for the

youngest ever performer in this programme.

Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Rosa Michelle!

APPLAUSE

# Take my head on your shoulder, Daddy

# Turn your face to the west

# It is just the hour the skies turns gold

# The hour that mother loves best

# The day has been long without you, Daddy

# You've been such a while away

# And are you tired of your work, Daddy

# As I am tired of my play?

# But I've got you and you've got me

# Though everything is gone

# We're all alone, sweet Daddy

# Poor Mother, dear Mother

# Once told me so

# But year by year she'll think of you

# Those thoughts may all be right

# We shall always keep her

# Here in our dreams

# Daddy, goodnight

# Daddy, goodnight

# Dear Daddy

# Dear Daddy

# Goodnight

# Good...

# ..night. #

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Keith Harris!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen.

What about that number, Little Rosa? Wasn't that sad, eh? Aah!

AUDIENCE SIGHS

Never mind, because actually I've got somebody here who's just as sad.

His name is Orville. He's very shy.

I'll get him to turn around and have a look.

Will you turn around and have a look?

-ORVILLE:

-I can't.

-I beg your pardon?

-I can't.

LAUGHTER

-You can't?

-No.

-Why not?

-Cos they'll laugh at me.

I don't think they'll laugh after that last song.

Look, they won't laugh at you. They're very nice people.

-Come on, turn round and have a look.

-I'll have a look then.

-Have a look.

-I will.

-Go on.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

-There, you see.

-They're laughing now.

-Oh, they're not.

-They are. I heard them.

-Yes, I know, but, you see, they're laughing...

-I heard them.

-Yes, I know, but they're not laughing AT you.

-No.

-No, you see, it's because you're on the stage.

You came here last time, you had a nice time, didn't you?

-Yes, thank you.

-That's right.

Yes, but if you remember last time we came to this theatre,

you had a chip on your shoulder.

-I didn't.

-You did.

-I didn't.

-You did.

-I didn't.

You did.

You had a chick on your shoulder.

Me.

I didn't say a chick. I said a chip.

-Oh.

-Yes.

Now, listen, you were watching before in the wings, weren't you?

-I've got wings.

-Yes, I know you've got wings.

-I've got wings, you know.

-Yes, I know.

I've got wings, you know.

LAUGHTER

You were watching... What were you watching?

-Little girl singing.

-That's right.

-Did you like her?

-Yes.

-Did you?

-Yes.

And you said you would like to meet her

-because she wasn't very happy, was she?

-No.

Would you like to meet Rosa?

I-I get shy when I see Rosa.

-What, Rosa Michelle?

-No, "Rosa" people looking at me!

LAUGHTER

I get shy.

Look, I tell you what, because she wasn't very happy,

-so if we bring her on...

-Yes.

-..you can meet her

and it will make you happy and it would make her happy, wouldn't it?

-Thank you.

-All right. I'll tell you what, we'll just call her on.

-Rosa.

-Oh, she's there.

-Hello, come and sit down here.

APPLAUSE

-Is she here?

-Yeah, she's here.

-Oh, I can't look!

-Now, Rosa, this is Orville.

-Hello, Orville.

Hello, Ro... Oh, I can't!

-I feel silly.

-It's all right. Look, we've got to try and cheer her up.

She's very, very pretty, you know.

I wish I was pretty.

-Well, you are pretty.

-I'm ugly.

-I'm ugly, aren't I, Rosa?

-You're not ugly. I think you're lovely.

Ooh!

LAUGHTER

-You think I'm lovely?

-Yes, he is, isn't he?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

-There you are.

-Oh, thank you.

Now, listen, what were you telling me before?

Rosa, you know when you sang your song, well, it made me cry.

-I made you cry?

-Yes.

I didn't mean to.

-Well you did cos you sang about your daddy, didn't she?

-That's right.

And I haven't got a daddy.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aah!

And I haven't got a mummy.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aah!

And I haven't got a grandad or a granny, any of them.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aah!

-I haven't got anybody.

-Aah.

Keep it up!

LAUGHTER

-No antecedents?

-Pardon?

-I said no antecedents.

-I haven't even got an Auntie Elsie.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear, we're not doing a very good job cheering Rosa up, are we?

-No.

-Listen, you two must get together.

-You must always remember to smile.

-Yes.

Because you've got all the lovely people here and just remember...

What?

# Smile though your heart is aching

# Smile even though it's breaking

# When there are clouds in the sky

# You'll get by

# Smile through your tears and sorrow

# Smile and maybe tomorrow

# You'll see the sun come shining through

# For you

# Light up your face with gladness

# You've got to hide every trace of sadness

# Although a tear... #

Is she crying?

# May be ever so near

# That's the time you must keep on trying

# Smile, what's the use of crying?

# You'll find that life is still worthwhile

# If you just

# Smile. #

-Smile.

-That's it.

APPLAUSE

# Hey, hobo man

# Hey, Dapper Dan

# You've both got your style

# But, brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile

# Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly

# They stand out a mile

# But, brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile

# Who cares what they're wearing

# On Main Street or Saville Row

# It's what you wear from ear to ear

# And not from head to toe

# That matters

# Hey, hobo man

# Hey, Dapper Dan

# So remember, you're never fully dressed

# Though you may wear the best

# You're never fully dressed

# Without a smile

# Smile, smile

# Smile! #

APPLAUSE

Engagingly, ingratiating,

in gregarious...

from the Latin "grex",

..garrulity, none other than Mr Norman Vaughan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely.

Everybody...

# La, la, la-la. #

-Come on. AUDIENCE:

-# La, la, la-la, la-la

# La, la, la-la, la-la. #

# I thought it was great when I went on the stage

# About six-and-a-half months ago

# Cos everybody was so kind to me

# When they found out that I was a pro

# But a fire broke out in my lodgings one night

# And the firemen were there instantly

# They saved everybody right down to the cat

# But they never once tried to save me

# I dashed to the window and heard with dismay

# A big fire brigade captain to somebody say...

# "He's a pro, he's a pro

# "He'll do us a turn in a minute or so"

# I could feel myself cooking, my shirt was alight

# So I stood on the windowsill trembling with fright

# The firemen were laughing at me

# And I heard someone say down below

# "Let him do us a turn cos I don't think he'll burn

# "He's a pro, he's a pro." #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, I've played them all.

The Palace, Halifax.

The Savoy, Kettlethorpe.

LAUGHTER

The Apothecary's Hall, Runcorn.

LAUGHTER

My grandfather was famous too, you know.

Oh, my grandfather went back to Marie Antoinette

and my grandmother caught him a couple of times!

LAUGHTER

40 years of happily married life and then he died.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aah.

After 40 years he died...

-AUDIENCE:

-Aah.

..and she wanted to get in touch with him

so she went to see all these spiritualists and mediums and

eventually one Thursday afternoon she was in the spiritualist's

and she heard his voice.

She said, "Henry, tell me, what's it like on the other side?"

He said, "It's fantastic."

LAUGHTER

He said, "This is the routine."

LAUGHTER

"We get up in the morning.

"We have a light salad breakfast,

"then we have a love-in all morning.

"Then we have a light salad lunch

"and we have a love-in all afternoon.

"Then we go to bed very early to get ready for the next day."

LAUGHTER

And she said,

"Henry, I didn't think they did things like that on the other side!"

He said, "Other side? I'm a rabbit in Harrogate!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Bernard.

-AUDIENCE:

-# La, la, la-la, la-la

# La, la, la-la, la-la

# I one time played in a swell music hall

# Where I thought I should make such a hit

# The band played my music, I dashed on the stage

# But a battle was on in the pit

# I started to sing All That I Ask Is Love

# I remember no more after that

# All That I Ask Is Love but the boys up above

# Gave me something more solid than that

# I woke in hospital the following day

# And I just recollect hearing somebody say...

# "He's a pro, he's a pro"

# "And the poor devil looks like one too", said Nurse Flo

# The doctor said, "Nurse, there's but one thing to do

# "We must operate on him to pull him right through"

# He said, "Nurse, do you think he'll hurt

# "If we starved him for 12 hours or so?"

# The nurse said, "Have no fears, he's been starving for years

# "He's a pro, he's a pro." #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Engendering nostalgia once again,

The Players Theatre!

APPLAUSE

# Here we are, here we are, here we are again

# There's Pat and Mac and Tommy and Jack and Joe

# When there's trouble brewing, when there's something doing

# Are we down hearted?

# No, let them all come

# Here we are, here we are, here we are again

# We're fit and well and feeling as right as rain

# Never mind the weather, now then, all together

# Hello, hello, here we are again

# So pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag

# And smile, smile, smile

# While you've a lucifer to light your fag

# Smile, boys, that's the style

# What's the use of worrying?

# It never was worthwhile, so

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag

# And smile, smile, smile

# If you were the only girl in the world

# And you were the only boy

# Nothing else would matter in the world today

# We would go on loving in the same old way

# A Garden of Eden just made for two

# With nothing to mar our joy

# I would say such wonderful things to you

# There would be such wonderful things to do

# If you were the only girl in the world

# And you were the only boy

# And I was the only boy

# Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee

# Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee

# Wipe the tear, baby dear

# From your eye-ee

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# It's a long way to go

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# To the sweetest girl I know

# Goodbye, Piccadilly

# Farewell, Leicester Square

# It's a long long way to Tipperary

# But my heart's right there

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# It's a long way to go

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# To the sweetest girl I know

# Goodbye, Piccadilly

# Farewell, Leicester Square

# It's a long long way to Tipperary

# But my heart's right there. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now there's just time to ask Mr Norman Vaughan to lead the

company and yourselves in the last chorus for the night,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Norman Vaughan, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herman and the entire and indefatigable orchestra.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But this time, chiefly, yourself!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me down at the Old Bull and Bush,

# Da, da, da, da, da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band, da, da, da, da, da, da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE