11/01/1979 The Good Old Days

ORCHESTRA TUNES ITS INSTRUMENTS

ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO LET'S ALL GO TO THE MUSIC HALL

# Let's all go to the music hall

# Where the songs are gay and bright

# Let's all go to the music hall

# Where the stars are twinkling half the night

# Whether you sit in the gallery, the circle or the pit

# Or whether you sit in the red plush stalls

# When the busy day is done and you want to have some fun

# Let's all go to the music hall. #

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO DOWN AT THE FARMYARD GATE

# Johnny Green once used to wait for his girl

# Down at the farmyard gate

# With his whiskers trimmed and a nice little curl

# Down at the farmyard gate

# They would sit there for hours and they'd whisper low

# Then her dad would come out and he'd laugh, ho-ho

# Then Johnny had to sit on the old man's toe

# Down at the farmyard gate

# Oh, that farmyard gate

# Johnny was there, early and late

# Whistling and singing, "Are you coming out, Kate?"

# Down at the farmyard gate

# Oh, that farmyard gate

# Johnny was there, early and late

# Whistling and singing, "Are you coming out, Kate?"

# Down at the farmyard gate. #

# There's a poor old cock bird sitting on his perch

-# All alone

-All alone

-All alone

-All alone

# Cos his old hen's gone and left him in the lurch

-# All alone

-All alone

-On his own

-On his own

# There'll be no cack-cackle in the morning

# Nobody to tell his songs to

# Poor old cock, left him on his own

# And then there was a cock-a-doodle-doo

# Cock-a-doodle-doo Cock-a-doodle-doo

# Cock-a-doodle-doodle-doodle-doo. #

# You are my cowslip

# I am the cow

# Will you be mine for life?

# I love you better than my wife

# So, if you will have me

# Just tell me now

# You are my cowslip

# I am your cow. #

# In the shade of the old apple tree

# When the love in your eyes I could see

# When the voice that I heard

# Like a song of a bird

# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me

# I could hear the dull buzz of the bee

# In the blossoms, as you said to me

# With a heart that is true

# I'll be waiting for you

# In the shade of the old apple tree. #

# How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm

# After they've seen Paris?

# How ya gonna keep 'em from Piccadilly?

# Jazzin' around, paintin' the town

# How ya gonna keep 'em away from harm?

# That's the mystery

# They'll never want to see a rake or plough

# And who the deuce can parlez-vous a cow?

# How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm

# After they've seen Paris

# After they've seen Paris? #

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Once again,

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

Lovely,

reiteratively...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-..eulogising inaugurally...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..a nautical extravaganza

from Messrs Ray and Tudor Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE SAILOR'S HORNPIPE

# Listen to the breezes in the treeses

# Hearken to the grass upon the lawn

# Listen to the mices in the pantry

# Hearken to the breaking of the dawn

-# Ha-ha

-Heaven's above

-# Ha-ha

-I'm in love

# Hearken to the breaking of the dawn. #

# There's a lake in the park

# There's a house by the lake

# There's a girl in the house in the park by the lake

# And the girl in the house by the lake in the park

# Is the girl in the little green hat

# And tonight after eight That's when I've got a date

# When the moon's riding high and the stars light the sky

# With the girl in the house by the lake in the park

# The girl in the little green hat

# There's no water in the lake, nor a roof upon the house

# No trees in the park at all

# But she'll wait beside the lake I'll be welcome at the house

# I'll meet her by the garden wall

# There's a ship on the lake There's a sailor on the shore

# There's a girl in his arms She's the girl I adore

# So goodbye to the house by the lake in the park

# And the girl in the little green hat. #

ORCHESTRA PLAYS RULE BRITANNIA

# There's a storm on the lake There's a ship in the storm

# There's a girl on the ship in the storm on the lake

# And the girl on the lake on the ship in the storm

# Is the girl in the little green hat

# As the ship starts to dip She is losing her grip

# Every dip makes a tip Not the girl, but the ship

# But the girl on the ship has the pip from the trip

# The girl in the little green hat

# She's been sailing quite enough She's been clinging to the rails

# She's dying to be home once more

# But the lake is rather rough and the girl is rather pale

# She's glad to get her feet on the shore

# Oh, she gave up the ship and the captain and his men

# Bought a round-ticket trip to my arms once again

# Now I'm back in the house by the lake in the park

# And the girl in the little green hat

ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE SAILOR'S HORNPIPE

Whoa! Yeah!

Ho! Ha!

Ha! Ha!

Ha!

# Oh, she gave up the ship and the captain and his men

# Bought a round-ticket trip to my arms once again

# Now I'm back at the house by the lake in the park

# And the girl in the little green hat

# I say, old bean, have you ever seen the Queen?

# Have you ever seen a duck with his beak all green?

# If the gates of old Gibraltar took a flying leap at Malta

# Have you ever caught a tumble in a corned beef can? #

Whay-wa!

Hey!

# Girl in the little green Girl in the little green

# Girl in the little green

# Hat

# Whoo

# Hat

-# Girl in the little green hat

-Hey! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE SAILOR'S HORNPIPE

Provocative, impalpable,

-pulchritudinously...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

.. for your ocular and oral gratification,

welcome to Miss Barbara Law!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I used to dream that I would discover

# The perfect lover some day

# I knew I'd recognize him

# Whenever he came round my way

# I always used to fancy then

# He'd be one of those god-like kind of men

# With a giant brain and a noble head

# Like the heroes bold

# In the books I've read

# But along came Bill

# Who's not the type at all

# You'd meet him on the street

# And never notice him

# His form and face

# And his manly grace

# Is not the kind

# That you would find in a statue

# And I can't explain

# It's surely not his brain

# That makes me thrill

# I love him

# Because he's wonderful

# Because he's just my Bill

# I can't explain

# It's surely not his brain

# Oh, that makes me thrill

# I love him

# Because he's

# I don't know

# Because he's just

# My

# Bill. #

APPLAUSE

Thank you! Hey!

# We were sailing along

-WITH AUDIENCE:

-# On Moonlight Bay

# You could hear the voices singing

# They seemed to say

# "You have stolen her heart

# "So don't go away"

# Oh, as we sang love's old sweet song

# On Moonlight Bay. #

-WITH AUDIENCE:

-# Oh, Daisy, Daisy

# Just give me your answer, do

# And I'm half crazy

# All for the love of you

# It won't be a stylish marriage

# And I can't afford a carriage

# But you'll look sweet

# Upon a seat

# Of a bicycle made for two. #

# Take me out to the ballgame

# Take me out to the park

# Oh, buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks

# And I don't care if I never get back

# And it's root, root, root for the home team

# If they don't win it's a shame

# And it's one, two

# Three strikes, they're out

# At the old ballgame. #

# When you wore a tulip

# A sweet, yellow tulip

# And I wore a big red rose

# When you caressed me

# Was then heaven blessed me

# What a blessing, no-one knows

# Oh, you made life cheery

# When you called me dearie

# Was down where the green grass grows

# Your lips were sweeter than julep

# When you wore a tulip

# And I wore a big red rose. #

# Put on your old grey bonnet

# With the blue ribbon on it

# And we'll hitch old Dobbin to the shay

# And through the fields of clover

# We'll ride up to Dover

-# On our golden wedding day

-Oh, let's go!

# Put on your old grey bonnet

# With the blue ribbon on it

# And we'll hitch old Dobbin to the shay

# And through the fields of clover

# We'll ride up to Dover

# On our golden

# Wedding

# Day. #

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS PUT ON YOUR OLD GREY BONNET

APPLAUSE

-Phenomenal effronteries...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..of flamboyant funambulism!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Wire-walking.

-Oh!

From Germany, Les Thuranos!

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

HE TAPS CLOGS IN TIME TO MUSIC

HE WHISTLES

LAUGHTER

DRUMROLL

Hey!

DRUMROLL CONTINUES

ORCHESTRA STARTS PLAYING AGAIN

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

APPLAUSE

DRUMROLL

DRUMROLL CONTINUES

ORCHESTRA STARTS PLAYING AGAIN

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry.

-That's my fault.

-I know, it's OK.

Come on. LAUGHTER

No, no, what are you doing? Don't go up there.

LAUGHTER

Are you ready?

Maestro, please.

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

-And now.

-Argh!

APPLAUSE

Hey!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

-Assiduously adumbrating...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..a synchronised saltatorial...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..synthesis...

Yay!

LAUGHTER

Two dancing as one!

Messrs Ray and Tudor Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Shades of night are falling and I'm lonely

# Standing on the corner feeling blue

# Sweethearts out for fun

# Pass me one by one

# Guess I'll wind up like I always do

# With only

-# Me

-Me

-And

-And

-My

-My

# Shadow

# Strolling down the avenue

-# Me

-Me

-And

-And

-My

-My

# Shadow

# Not a soul to tell our troubles to

# We stick together like glue

# And when it's 12 o'clock... #

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

# We climb the stairs

# We never knock

# Cos, argh, nobody's there

# Me

# And my shadow

# All alone and feeling

# Me and my shadow

# All alone and feeling...

-I knew a woman once who had five legs.

-Oh, really?

Her knickers fitted her like a glove.

LAUGHTER

# All alone and feeling... #

-I'm getting married in the morning.

-Oh, really?

-No, O'Reilly. Her father was Irish.

-Oh, blimey.

LAUGHTER

# All alone and feeling blue

# All alone and feeling

# Blue. #

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Temperamentally intransigent,

entranced from the torrid zones,

for the very first time on this programme,

Mr Lennie Bennet and Mr Jerry Stevens.

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS LA MARSEILLAISE

ORCHESTRA CONTINUES TO PLAY LA MARSEILLAISE

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS LA MARSEILLAISE

Thank you, thank you, thank you and good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

And now, we should like to do a little recitation

entitled Almost A Legionnaire. Thank you.

It's a hell of a life in the Legion.

The sergeant was cruel, he was brutal.

He made us dig holes with a Turk and two Poles...

..who were banned from a dosshouse in Bootle.

LAUGHTER

Stationed way out in the desert,

was nothing but sorrow and fuss.

I'd spend half the night 'neath the pale moonlight

shaking the sand from my truss.

Thank you. Thank you. LAUGHTER

The blacksmith went crazy with sunstroke

and guess what he did for a wager.

With the aid of two bellows, him and two fellows

put the wind up the sergeant major.

-Thank you.

-LAUGHTER

While marching, we once ate a camel.

And it made us all queer.

A trooper from Widnes nearly choked on the kidneys

and the sergeant brought up the rear.

LAUGHTER

Now, sheep's eyes were the great titbit.

They were wholesome and they were cheap.

But it did you no good, cos while eating your pud,

you were trampled by flocks of blind sheep. Thank you.

LAUGHTER

Our very first day, we were ambushed.

A terrible spot, we were trapped in.

The corporal, a toff, had two fingers shot off

while waving goodbye to the captain.

LAUGHTER

Now, lack of women was the main problem.

One bloke got in such a state,

he went down the oasis, pulled funny faces

and asked a palm tree for a date.

LAUGHTER

We had our own belly dancer -

a wild gypsy maiden called Carmen.

Her career disappeared when she grew a big beard.

Now she's working in Crewe as a barman.

LAUGHTER

Now, that town, it was full of loose women.

Sultry maidens, all perfumed and lacquered.

But we rode so far to reach...

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

..Sultry maidens all perfumed and lacquered.

LAUGHTER

But we rode so far to reach that bazaar...

We were no damn good, we were...

SHOUTING

Very tired, we were, very tired.

APPLAUSE

-You see, you see, mon brov...

-Yes, mon brov.

These people don't understand. It was hell out there in the desert.

Well, of course it was. They couldn't have done it, could they?

-Look at them.

-Look at them.

-LAUGHTER

Civilians, all of them! Have a look round. Hello, up there.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, a mistake. There's a deserter up there. How are you?

Are you going in the morning?

Quite right. Look at this lot. Civilians.

Looks like an explosion in a second-hand clothes shop.

-Look at that!

-Of course it does! LAUGHTER

They'd have been no good in the Legion at all

-and neither would that fellow over your left shoulder.

-Leonard?

Leonard Sachs? Good gracious me!

Just imagine if Leonard Sachs had been our drill sergeant in Khartoum!

-Horrifying.

-With all those long words he speaks,

if he'd told us to halt, by the time he'd got it out,

we'd have been in Rotherham! LAUGHTER

But we had our laughs. It wasn't all hard, yes?

Remember the time they posted that notice in the billet.

It said, "This morning, the colonel was shot in the bottom.

"There will be another bulletin later."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very painful!

What made you join the Legion?

Cowardice. Oh, yes. I was given the white feather.

-The white feather?

-Oh, yes.

-By whom?

-A partridge plucker from Pudsey.

LAUGHTER

-I see. He'd run out of pheasants, had he?

-That's the fellow, yes.

I mean, whatever impelled you to join the Legion of the Damned?

The Legion of the Damned, I joined like a lot of other fellows.

-I joined to forget.

-What?

I can't remember. LAUGHTER

-Yes, I can.

-It's all coming back.

-It's all coming back to me now.

It's clear in front of me. I joined because I was thwarted and blighted

-and betrayed by a woman, sir.

-Not you.

-Yes.

-Ah.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah.

Thwarted and blighted and betrayed? Well, what did you think?

I thought to myself, "My heart is broken, but what care I?"

LAUGHTER

-Is what you're saying, that such a pride inside you had woken?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

-But I thought, "I'll do my best not to cry."

-When?

-By and by.

-Oh.

LAUGHTER

-Like when the last farewells have been spoken?

-That's right.

-Yes, yes.

So, you must have come to some kind of decision.

I did come to a decision.

-What did you think?

-I thought to myself...

# I'll join the Legion

# That's what I'll do

# And in some far distant region

# Where human hearts are staunch and true

# I will live my life anew

# Goodbye, it's time I sought a foreign clime

# Where I may find

# There are hearts more kind than I leave behind

# And so I go to fight the savage foe

# Although

# I know I'll be sometimes missed by the girls I've kissed

# In some Abyssinian, French dominion I will do my bit

# And fall for the flag if I must

# Where the desert sand is nice and handy, I'll be full of grit

# But you won't see my heels for the dust

# Ah, I'll do or die

# You'll know the reason why when told

# Of bold Leopold's last stand

# For the fatherland

# Goodbye

# Goodbye

# I wish you all a last goodbye

# Goodbye

# Goodbye

# I wish you all a last

# Good...

# Bye. #

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS LA MARSEILLAISE

-Apotheotic epitomisation...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh.

..of immaculate impeccability.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh.

-A toff.

-Ah.

The one and only Mr Frankie Vaughan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Isn't this a lovely evening?

# Would you like to take a walk?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

# Isn't this a lovely evening?

# Let's go where we can talk, oh

# Would you like it

# If I held you near

# Whispered the things

# You want to hear?

# Steal a kiss or two

# Does that appeal to you?

# Is that what you'd like me to do?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

# Isn't this a lovely evening?

# Meant for nothing but romance

# If I put my arms

# About you

# Would you care to take a chance?

# Well, if you're willing

# To try

# Then you'll find

# That I'm your guy

# To make this lovely evening

# Such a heavenly night. #

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

# Way down on the levee in old Alabamy

# There's Daddy and Mammy and Ephraim and Sammy

# On a moonlit night you will find them all

# While they are waiting, the banjos are syncopating

# What's that they're saying? What's that they're saying?

# A-humming and swaying A-humming and swaying

# It's the good ship Robert E Lee

# That's come to carry the cotton away

# See them shuffling along

# See them shuffling along

# Go take your best gal, your real pal

# Go down to the levee I said the levee

# Join that shuffling throng

# Hear that music and song

# It's simply great, mate, waiting on the levee

# Waiting for the Robert E Lee. #

-WITH AUDIENCE:

-# Though April showers

# May come your way

# They bring the flowers

# That bloom in May

# So, if it's raining

# Have no regrets, no, no

# Because if it isn't raining

# Rain, you know

# It's raining violets

# And when you see clouds

# Upon the hills

# You soon will see crowds

# Of daffodils

# So, keep on looking

# For a bluebird

# And listening for a song

# Whenever

# April showers

# Come along. #

-WITH AUDIENCE:

-# Rock-a-bye your baby

# With a Dixie melody

# When you croon

# Croon a tune

# From the heart of Dixie

# Just hang that cradle, Mammy mine

# Right on that Mason-Dixon Line

# And swing it from Virginia

# To Tennessee with all the love that's in ya

# "Weep No More My Lady"

# Sing that song again for me

# Songs I know, just as though

# You had me on your knee

# A million baby kisses I'll deliver

# The minute that you sing the "Swanee River"

# Rock-a-bye your rock-a-bye-baby

# With a Dixie melody. #

# I've been away from you a long time

# I never thought I'd miss you so

# Somehow I feel your love is real

# Near you I long to be

# The birds are singing and it's song time

# The banjo's strumming soft and low

# I know that you yearn for me too

# Swanee, I'm calling you

# Swanee, how I love you, how I love you

# My dear old Swanee

# I'd give the world to be

# Among the folks in D-I-X-I-E

# Even though my mammy's waiting for me, praying for me

# Down by the Swanee

# The folks up north will see me no more

# When I get to that Swanee shore. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Toot-toot, Tootsie, goodbye

# Toot-toot, Tootsie, don't cry

# The choo-choo train that takes me

# Away from you, no words can tell how sad it makes me

# Kiss me, Tootsie, and then

# Do it over again

# Watch for the mail I'll never fail

# If you don't get a letter then you'll know I'm in jail

# Don't cry, Tootsie Don't cry, no, no

# Toot-toot, Tootsie, goodbye. #

APPLAUSE

# Yesterday I heard a lover sigh

# "Goodbye, oh, me, oh, my"

# Seven times he hopped aboard a train

# And seven times he hurried back

# To kiss his love again and tell her

# Toot-toot, Tootsie, goodbye

# Toot-toot, Tootsie, don't cry

# The choo-choo train that takes me

# Away from you, no words can tell how sad it makes me

# Kiss me, Tootsie, and then, mm

# Do it over again

# Watch for the mail I'll never fail

# If you don't get a letter then you'll know I'm in jail

# Don't cry, Tootsie Don't cry, no, no

# Toot-toot, Tootsie

# Goodbye. #

APPLAUSE

Tantalising

and transcendental...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..transatlantic transports.

And you know what those are, sir.

Once again, the Players Theatre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-# How do you do?

-How do you do?

-# Miss Ragtime

-Yeah, yeah, for Ragtime

-# Hats off to you

-Hats off

-# Miss Ragtime

-A little bit of Ragtime

# When I see you coming out to get the rest

# You're the only one, the sweetest and the best

# I'm dead in love, heels and head in love

-# Always thinking of you

-Ooh

-# Look who's here

-Just looking at you

-# Ragtime dear

-So glad we found you

-# When you're near

-Ooh, ooh

-# I feel queer

-Oh, oh, ooh

# And there's a funny feeling comes along with you

# And makes me happy, happy, happy Never blue

# How do you do, Miss Ragtime How do you do?

# How do you do, how do you do How do you do-do-do? #

# I want to hear, I want to hear

# Alexander's ragtime band

# Come on and hear, come on and hear

# It's the best band in the land

# They can play a bugle call like you never heard before

# So natural that you want to go to war

# It's just the bestest band that am

# Honey lamb, honey lamb

# Come on along, come on along

# Let me take you by the hand

# Up to the man, up to the man

# Who's the leader of the band

# And if you want to hear that Swanee River

# Played in a ragtime

# Come on and hear, come on and hear

# Alexander's ragtime band. #

# Listen to the band

# They're playing

# You made me love you

# I didn't want to do it

# I didn't want to do it

# You made me want you

# And all the time you knew it

# I guess you always knew it

# You made me happy sometimes

# You made me sad

# But there were times, dear

# You made me feel so bad

# You made me sigh for

# I didn't want to tell you

# I didn't want to tell you

# I need some love that's true

# Yes, I do, indeed I do You know I do

# Give me, give me what I sigh for

# You know you've got the brand of kisses that I'd die for

# You know you made me

# Love you. #

# When the midnight choo-choo leaves for Alabam'

# Alabam', Alabam'

# I'll be right there, right there

# Because I've got my money for the fare

# When I see that rusty-haired conductor man

# When I see that man

# I'll grab him by the collar And I'll holler

# "Alabam', Alabam'"

# That's where you'll stop that train

# That takes me back again

# Back home where I'll remain

# Where my honey lamb am Where my honey lamb

# I will be right there with bells

# When that old conductor yells

# "All aboard, all aboard

# "All aboard for Alabam', yes!"

# I will be right there with bells

# When that old conductor yells

# "All aboard, all aboard All aboard, all aboard

# "All aboard

# "For Alabam'"

# "All aboard for Alabam', yes!" #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, there's just time to ask Mr Frankie Vaughan

to lead the company and yourselves

in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Frankie Vaughan, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and inexhaustible orchestra.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And this time, chiefly yourselves.

# Come, come Come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# And Bush. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS