05/04/1979 The Good Old Days

# Let's all go to the music hall

# Where the show is gay and bright

# Let's all go to the music hall

# Where the stars are twinkling half the night

# Whether you're in the gallery the circle or the pit

# Or whether you sit in the red plush stalls

# When the busy day is done

# And you want to have some fun

# Let's all go to the music hall.

# Put on your tat-ta little girlie

# Do do what I want you to

# Far from the busy hurly-burly

# I've got lots to say to you

# My head's completely twirly-whirly

# My girl I want you to be

# So put on your tat-ta Your pretty little tat-ta

# And come out a tat-ta with me.

# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

# Down Paradise Row

# I'd sit along Nelly,

# She'd sit along Joe

# She's got a little hole in her frock, hole in her shoe

# Hole in her sock where the toe peeks through

# But Nelly was the smartest down our alley

# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

# I'm wondering now

# If little gal Nelly

# Remembers Joe, her beau

# And does she love me

# Like she used to

# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

# Down Paradise Row.

# Wait till the sun shines Nellie

# When the clouds go drifting by

# We will be happy Nellie

# Don't you sigh

# Down Lover's Lane we'll wander

# Sweethearts you and I

# Wait till the sun shines Nellie

# By and by

# Wait till the sun shines Nellie

# When the clouds go drifting by

# We will be happy Nellie

# Don't you sigh

# Down Lover's Lane we'll wander

# Sweethearts you and I

# Wait till the sun shines Nellie

# By and by. #

FANFARE PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again...

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

Promulgating preliminarily...

versatile ventrilingual virtuosity.

Welcome, to Miss Terri Rogers!

CHEERING

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This evening is a very, very special occasion for me

because I've always wanted to appear on this show.

In fact, it was my childhood ambition.

Gives you some idea how long the show's been going, doesn't it?

Hello. I see he's here again.

I beg your pardon?

-He's here again, isn't he?

-Who?

That bloke repairing the organ over there.

LAUGHTER

I beg your pardon?

He's been hammering away at that damn thing for 26 years.

He hasn't got the...

got the thing working yet.

I don't think he can get the lid off, you know.

If you're referring to Mr Leonard Sachs, he does...not play the organ.

-No?

-No. Or repair it.

He's, in point of fact, our master of ceremonies.

And the object to which you allude is not an organ, but the podium.

-Is it?

-Yes.

And he was banging his gavel.

Now, just look at this lovely audience.

Isn't it wonderful to see so many of our brave soldiers and sailors

back safely with us again?

Yeah, yeah, it's lovely, that.

My dad fought with the army, you know?

-Did he?

-Yeah.

But he still had to join. It's a shame really.

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt this - you may not be aware of this,

but we are supposed to be performing a ventriloquial act.

Is that legal?

Don't you know what ventriloquism is?

-It's not anything to do with repairing organs, is it?

-No.

Ventriloquism is a matter of controlling the respiratory

osculations of the abdominal muscular reflexes,

together with the measured reverberations

emanating from the solar plexus.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS

-That's not...

And who the hell's working you?

That's not an act - that's a disease, isn't it?

-Did you hear what I said?

-Yeah.

-Repeat it.

That's not an act.

No, the long words.

-Long words?

-Mmm.

-Every word?

-Every word.

-Every if, and or but?

-Every if, and or but.

If you strangle yourself, don't blame me, will you?

Ventril...

Ventriloclism...

Why the hell couldn't we take up juggling or something like that?

Ventriloquism.

Ventriloquism is a matter of controlling the respiratory

osculations of the abdominal muscular reflexes,

together with the measured reverberations

emanating from the solar plexus.

And in formulgating your esoteric cogitations,

articulating your superficious sentimentalities,

I'd say that you were talking about moving your cake hole.

I would like to finish, ladies and gentlemen,

with a monologue dedicated to this wonderful show.

PIANO PLAYS INTRODUCTION

There are dozens and dozens of theatres

but none of them really compare.

They don't have these masses of lads with their lasses,

or the wonderful costumes they wear.

But the thing that really excites me

are the artists who've been here before.

There's Coster Gus Elan and dear Albert Whelan

and George Robey has took an encore.

It's hard to avoid the great Marie Lloyd

and I haven't forgot Little Tich.

That's why I brought Shorty.

I know he's been naughty...

Say goodnight, you silly old bitch.

Drolly diminutive in stature...

..gargantuan in gourmandise.

Eating.

From America,

the extraordinary Mr Chaz Chase!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS JAZZ

MOUTH ORGAN PLAYS

Indisputably demure...

yet undeniably desirous

of your participatory reciprocity.

Your auxiliary co-operation.

Miss Jenny Till!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# You wonder what I'm looking for

# I know you do, now, don't you?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

# So if I tell you will you help me?

# Oh, say you will please, won't you?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

# To start with then I may just mention

# That my age is 23

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

# And I'm tired of living single

# I would like to married be

# But...

# I want to meet a good young man

# A proper young man A model young man

# I want to meet a good young man

# Who never goes on the spree

# I don't care if he's six foot high

# With old school tie Or rather shy

# So long as he's a good young man

# Why then he'll do for me

# I'm told good men are getting scarce

# Oh, tell me is that true

-AUDIENCE:

-No!

# That every year they're getting worse

# Is that true? Tell me, do.

-AUDIENCE:

-No!

# I do not seek a handsome man

# For looks I do not care a sous

# And neither do I wish for money

# I've got quite enough for two

CHEERING

# But...

# I want to meet a good young man

# A proper young man A model young man

# I want to meet a good young man

# Who never goes on the spree

# I don't care if he's six foot high

# With old school tie Or rather shy

# So long as he's a good young man

# Why then he'll do for me

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

# I would not have a fast man

# For he'd stay out late now, wouldn't he?

# A husband should be home by ten

# He really should now, shouldn't he?

-Audience:

-No!

# To find the sort of man I want

# I've searched all over Far and near

# Who can tell me where to find one?

# Is there not a good man here?

-Audience:

-Yes!

# I want to meet a good young man

# A proper young man A model young man

# I want to meet a good young man

# Who never goes on the spree

# I don't care if he's six foot high

# With old school tie Or roving eye

# So long as he's a good young man

# Why then he'll do for me

# I know he'll do for me. #

Oh, I'm sure he'll do!

Exuberantly...

..ebullient Hibernian buoyancies

from that broth of a boyo,

Mr Pat Mooney!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ah, God love yous.

Well, I'm here at last.

LAUGHTER

Yous are looking gorgeous, you know that?

My wife, what a sense of humour she's got.

I said to her this morning,

"What would you like for your birthday, love?" Know what she said?

A widow's pension.

I got home last Sunday morning -

Sunday night I was out with the boys, I had a few pints,

and I got home late for my lunch - I said to her,

"Is me lunch still warm?"

She says, "It should be.

"It's been in the back of the fire for the last two hours."

Murphy and Casey came over here to England and started their

own building contractors - called themselves, "Murphy and Casey".

And they were doing no business at all. And Murphy said to Casey,

"I think we'll change our name to an English name.

"We'll call ourselves Lambert and Lambert."

So they're in the office one day and the phone rang,

and one of them lifted the phone. And the voice said,

"Can I speak to Mr Lambert, please?"

And Murphy says, "Which one do you want - Murphy or Casey?"

This Irish fellow - cos I'm from Ireland...

You'd never have known, would you?

He bought this small holding and he went to a poultry farmer,

and he says, "Sir, I just bought a small holding.

"Could I have 1,000 day-old chicks?"

The poultry farmer says, "Of course you can, sir."

And he sells him the 1,000 day-old chicks. And he's back the next day.

He says, "Could I have another 1,000 day-old chicks, please, sir?"

The fellow says, "Of course you can - it's great business for me, this."

And he's back the next day.

He says, "Could I have another 1,000 day-old chicks?"

The poultry farmer says, "Excuse me, sir, you did say you only have a small holding?"

"Oh," he says, "so I have, sir.

"Do you think I'm planting them too close together?"

Two lads were on a bus the other day,

And they're sitting on the bus and the conductor says,

"Patrick Street, James Street, Riley Street, Owen Street, Julia Street,

"Catherine Street, Claire Street, Kevin Street."

One of the boys says, "Don't you think it's about time we were getting off?"

The other fellow says, "Sit down and wait till your name's called."

Murphy brought his dog into the park

and it was all frozen over with the bad weather,

it was frozen solid on the lake.

And he turns round to the park ranger, and he says,

"If I put a pair of ice skates on my dog, will it be all right for him to skate on your lake?"

And the park ranger says, "Well, it depends of it's thick enough."

"Oh," he says, "it's thick enough - it's an Irish Wolfhound."

I was telling a gag back here - I must tell you this...

This Irish fellow applied for a job as a butler-cum-handy-man

on a stately home in England.

And he's doing everything - looking after the horses and the dogs and everything else -

and the lord of the manor was going away for the weekend to the Badminton Horse Trials, and he says,

"Paddy, I'm going to leave you in charge of the stately home,

"and give me a full report when I come back."

And he comes back in a few days and Paddy meets him at the gate.

He says, "Is everything all right?"

"Well, sir, I've got a bit of bad news for you, sir - Rover's dead."

He says, "Rover? Rover was as fit as a fiddle when I left."

"Oh," he says, "don't blame the poor dog, sir.

"Dobbin the horse kicked him to death, sir, in the stable."

He says, "Dobbin is the most peaceful animal in the stable. What made him do that?"

"Oh," he says, "sir, don't blame poor Dobbin.

"It was the panic when the barn went on fire.

"All the sparks and the flames made him start panicking,

"and he kicked out at poor Rover."

He says, "The sparks and the flames? What happened in the barn?"

He says, "Well, sir, it was when the barn went alight -

"it was the sparks coming over from the main house landed on the roof of the barn."

He says,

"What flames in the main house?"

He says, "Well, see, it was that stupid chamber maid upstairs, sir.

"She was dusting round your mother's coffin and knocked one of the candlesticks over."

He says...

.."What's happened to me poor mother?!"

"Oh, says he, "it was the shock of your father dropping dead outside the stables."

He said, "Have you any GOOD news for me?"

He says, "Yes, sir - your daffodils are out."

Oh, it's a great joy for me, there.

I had a letter from Ireland today as well from me mother.

It's nice getting letters from Ireland -

nobody ever opens them for you.

Terrible speller, me mother!

She says, "Dear Pat..."

Look how she spells "dear" -

"D-E-A-R".

"Your grandda' is 92.

"The first thing he does in the morning is read the newspapers in bed.

"He looks at the deaths, and if his name isn't in it he gets up.

"He said to me this morning, isn't it funny how all these people die

"in alphabetical order?

"Your uncle Bert has had a suspended sentence.

"They've hung him.

"Your...

"Your uncle Barney went into a temporary hospital today

to be sterilised,

and they boiled them for three and a half hours.

"We've just moved into a new cottage and it's got no chimney.

"We have to carry the smoke out in buckets."

Ah, you're beautiful!

You really are lovely. I'd love coming back to see yous

all the time. It's a joy.

Enjoy yourselves, have a lovely evening.

And I'd like to leave you with a thought - I always leave everybody with a thought when I go -

I'd like to leave you with a thought...

It's nice to go home with a thought you didn't have when you came, isn't it? It's true.

Be very grateful for certain things.

If it wasn't for Venetian blinds,

it'd be curtains for the whole world, wouldn't it?

Goodnight, God bless you all! I love you!

Dizzily devastating deliberate defiance...

..of danger, for your delight.

From France, Monsieur Gerard Edon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS

DRUM ROLL

Eyes down, once again.

Convoking choric nomenclature...

N-O-M-E-N-C-L-A-T-U-R-E.

Incontestably curvaceous,

your own, your very, very own,

Miss Barbara Windsor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I ought to think myself a lucky girl, I know

# Cos I'm engaged but still somehow I don't think so

# John, that's the name of my fiance, you see

# Now there's no mistake he's very fond of me

# He took me out and oh, my dears it was so nice

# He always used to kiss me on the same place twice

# Often in the park We would sit and swoon

# And I was oh so happy till the other afternoon

# John took me round to see his mother

# His mother, his mother

# And while he introduced us to each other

# She weighed up everything that I had on

# Now she put me through a cross examination

# I fairly boiled with aggravation

# Then she shook her head And she looked at me and said

# Poor John, poor John.

# Josh-u-ah, Josh-u-ah

# Why don't you call and see Mama?

# She'll be pleased to know

# That you're my best beau

# Josh-u-ah, Josh-u-ah

# Nicer than lemon squash you are

# Oh, by gosh you are

# Josh-u-osh-u-ah.

Let me hear you!

# Josh-u-ah, Josh-u-ah

# Why don't you call and see Mama?

# She'll be pleased to know

# That you're my best beau

# Josh-u-ah, Josh-u-ah

# Nicer than lemon squash you are

# Oh, by gosh you are

# Josh-u-osh-u-ah

# Oh, by gosh you are

# Josh-u-osh-u-ah.

# Are we to part like this, Bill?

# Are we to part this way?

# Who's it to be?

# Her or me?

# Don't be afraid to say

# If everything's over between us

# Don't, don't ever pass me by

# For you and me

# Still friends can be

# For the sake of the days gone by

# For you and me

# Still friends can be

# For the sake of the days gone by

# Oh, I'm just wild about Harry

# And Harry's wild about me

# Now those heavenly blisses Of his kisses

# Fills me with ecstasy

# Now he's sweet just like chocolate candy

# Like the honey from the bee

# Oh, I'm just wild about Harry

# And he's just wild about

# Cannot do without

# He's just wild about me.

All together now!

# I'm just wild about Harry

# And Harry's wild about me

# Now those heavenly blisses Of his kisses

# Fill me with ecstasy

# Now he's sweet just like chocolate candy

# And like the honey from the bee

# Oh I'm just wild about Harry

# And he is wild about

# Cannot do without

# He's just wild about me

# Oh, oh, oh

# I'm just wild about Harry

# And he's just wild about

# Cannot do without

# He's...just...

# Wild about me. #

Almost edible, isn't she?

Flippantly filibustering

felicitous facetiae...

Latin.

The one and only

Mr Roy Hudd!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you! Thank you!

Good evening. Evening.

-AUDIENCE:

-Evening!

Oh, lovely! First of all I must say how wonderful it is, folks, to be back here in Leeds again -

the Miami of Yorkshire.

CHEERING

No, it's so nice to be playing a proper theatre for a change.

Being able to stand up here, look out there,

and actually be able to see all your happy, smiling faces.

They are you faces, aren't they?

You are sitting the right way up?

Right, I'd better come out and sort out exactly what we're

up against tonight. Right, come down and have a proper look at you.

-Mr Sachs!

-Mr Hudd.

-Good evening, Mr Sachs.

-Good evening to you.

-My wife's your number one fan, you know that?

-Oh, that's nice.

-She's mad about you.

-That's charming.

She's a Sachs-maniac.

Right, let's have a look what we've got.

Oh, there's a lady with a lovely smile on her face.

What are you sitting on, love?

Oh, really?

Tell the usherette we've found her torch, will you?

Nice to see the military in, sir, eh?

Yes.

Nice to know Ladysmith's been relieved, isn't it?

Those new tablets work wonders.

Who else have we got?

By golly, there's an expensive-looking complexion. Look at that!

Stick a wick in his mouth, he'd burn for a fortnight.

Nice to see you, sir.

Good evening, my dear.

Where are you from, love?

Whereabouts?

You're not from Altringham, are you?

Blimey, my brother's working there tonight.

He's a burglar.

# Now one night after closing time the landlord of The Star

# Presented me with a nine-penny cigar

# I smoked it until Easter like one of the la-di-da

# Now everybody knows me by the end of me old cigar

# Oh the end of me old cigar

# Ta-ra, ta-ra, ta-ra

# Everybody knows me by the end of me old cigar

# Oh the end of me old cigar

# Ta-ra, ta-ra, ta-ra

# Everybody knows me by the end of me old cigar. #

It's a nice one, isn't it, love?

I'll save that one till later though, eh?

No, cos smoking's very dangerous, you know.

Smoking killed my grandad. Yeah.

He fell off a tobacconist's roof.

# Now one morning after breakfast into my surgery

# Came a girl with a vaccination plea

# Oh, vaccinate me, doctor But please don't leave a scar

# So I vaccinated Gertie with...

# Oh the end of me old cigar

# Ta-ra, ta-ra, ta-ra

# Everybody knows me by the end of me old cigar

# Oh the end of me old cigar

# Ta-ra, ta-ra, ta-ra

# Everybody knows me by the end of me old cigar. #

Oh. That's it, is it?

It's finished.

A short monologue, as spoken from the mouth.

CLEARS THROAT

Some girls are all right

in a bath marble white,

doused in perfume that's exotic.

But the queen of my soul

stands up in a bowl and does what she can with carbolic.

William Wordsworth.

You haven't met my missus, have you? God blimey, what a woman.

I'm not kidding you.

I haven't spoken to her for five years, you know.

Well, I don't like to interrupt her.

But they do go on. Don't they, fellas, eh?

Don't they go on?

AUDIENCE MURMUR

Oh, yes, they do!

-WOMEN:

-Oh, no, they don't!

-MEN:

-Oh, yes, they do!

-WOMEN:

-Oh, no, they don't!

All right, behave yourselves.

It's not the House of Commons, you know. Now, watch it.

My missus, I'm not kidding you, she drives me mad.

She never stops. Always on at me, always the same old thing, you know?

"You men are all alike."

Yes!

I don't mind her saying it - it's how she found out that worries me!

I can't trust her as far as I can throw her. You know that, lady?

"Listen," I said, "I've just found out our milkman has made love

"to every housewife in this street except one."

She said, "I bet it's that stuck up cow at number 12."

Old ones, new ones, loved ones, neglected ones.

# One afternoon 'bout tea-time

# At a garden party grand

# The wife and me were a-shaking every hand

# She was carrying on and going rather far

# But I was doing a trade of me own with the end of...

# Oh, the end of me old cigar

# Ta-ra, ta-ra, ta-ra

# Everybody knows me by the end of me old cigar

# Oh the end of me old cigar

# Ta-ra, ta-ra, ta-ra

# Everybody knows me by the end of me old cigar. #

With Jerome Kern,

youth at the helm and beauty at the prow...

..The Players Theatre, plus -

and it's a specially super plus -

Mr Peter Gale!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I won't dance, don't ask me

# I won't dance, don't ask me

# I won't dance, madam, with you

# My heart won't let my feet do things they should do

# You know what? You're lovely

-GIRLS:

-# And so what? I'm lovely

# But oh what you do to me

# I'm like an ocean wave that's bumped on the shore

# I feel so absolutely stumped on the floor

# When you dance you're charming and you're gentle

# 'Specially when you do the Continental

# But the feeling isn't purely mental

# For heaven rest us I'm not asbestos

# So that's why

# I won't dance, how could I?

# I won't dance, why should I?

# I won't dance, merci beaucoup

# They say that music leads the way to romance

# So if I hold you in my arms I won't dance.

# She didn't say yes

# She didn't say no

# She didn't say stay

# She didn't say go

# She only knew that he spied her there

# And then she knew he sat beside her there

# At first there was heard not one little word

# Then coyly she took one sly little look

# And something awoke and smiled inside

# Her heart began a-beating wild inside

# Then what did she do? I leave it to you

# She did just what you'd do too

# She didn't say yes She didn't say no

# She wanted to stay But knew she should go

# She wasn't too sure that he'd be good

# She wasn't even sure that she'd be good

# She wanted to rest and cuddled and pressed

# A palpable part of somebody's heart

# She longed to be on rapport with him

# But not behind a bolted door with him

# So what did she do? I leave it to you

# She did just what you'd do too

# Nothing's impossible I have found

# For when my chin is on the ground

# I pick myself up, dust myself off

# Start all over again

# Don't lose your confidence if you slip

# Be grateful for a pleasant trip

# And pick yourself up, dust yourself off

# Start all over again

# Work like a soul inspired

# Till the battle of the day is won

# You may feel sick and tired

# But you'll be a man my son

# Won't you remember the famous men

# Who had to fall to rise again

# And take a deep breath

# Pick yourself up

# Dust yourself off

# And start all over again Two, three, four, one

# Will you remember the famous men

# Who had to fall to rise again

# So pick yourself up

# Pick yourself up

# Pick yourself up

# Pick yourself up

# And start all over again

# Again

# Again! #

And now there's just time to ask Mr Roy Hudd and Miss Barbara Windsor

to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Roy Hudd, Miss Barbara Windsor, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herman, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

CHEERING

..but this time, chiefly...

-ALL:

-Yourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush

# Da-da-da-da-da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush

# Hear the little German band

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush

# Bush, bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE