24/04/1979 The Good Old Days

# Let's all go to the music hall

# Where the songs are gay and bright

# Let's all go to the music hall

# Where the stars are twinkling half the night

# Whether you're in the gallery, the circle or the pit

# Or whether you sit in the red plush stalls

# When the busy day is done and you want to have some fun

# Let's all go to the music hall. #

APPLAUSE

# Wotcher, all the neighbours cried

# Who yer going to meet, Bill? Have you bought the street, Bill?

# Laugh, I thought I should have died

# I knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road

# Wotcher, all the neighbours cried

# Who yer going to meet, Bill? Have you bought the street, Bill?

# Laugh, I thought I should have died

# I knocked them in the Old Kent Road

# Wotcher. #

# Daisy, Daisy

# Give me your answer do

# I'm half crazy

# All for the love of you

# It won't be a stylish marriage

# I can't afford a carriage

# But you'd look sweet upon the seat

# Of a bicycle made for two. #

# My old man said, follow the band

# And don't dilly dally on the way

# Off went the van with the home packed in it

# I walked along with my old cock linnet

# But I dillied and dallied

# Dallied and dillied

# Lost me way and don't know where to roam

# You can't trust a special like the old time coppers

# When you can't find your way home. #

# We've been together now for 40 years

# And it don't seem a day too much

# There ain't a lady living in the land

# As I'd swap for my dear old Dutch

# There ain't a lady living in the land

# As I'd swap

# For my dear old Dutch. #

# Boiled beef and carrots, boiled beef and carrots

# That's the stuff for your darby-kel

# Makes you fat and it keeps you well

# Don't live like vegetarians on food they give to parrots

# From morn till night, blow out your kite

# On boiled beef and carrots. #

# I like pickled onions, I like piccalilli

# Pickled cabbage is all right

# With a bit of cold meat on Sunday night

# I can grow tomatoses but what I do prefer

# Is a little bit of cu-cum cu-cum-cu-cum

# A little bit of cucumber. #

# Any old iron? Any old iron? Any, any, any old iron?

# You look neat, talk about a treat

# You look dapper from your napper to your feet

# Dressed in style, brand-new tile and your father's old green tie on

# I wouldn't give you tuppence for your watch and chain

# Old iron, old iron

# Any old iron? Any old iron? Any, any, any old iron?

# You look sweet talk about a treat

# You look dapper from your napper to yer feet

# Dressed in style, with a brand-new tile

# And your father's old green tie on

# I wouldn't give you tuppence for your watch chain

# Old iron, old iron!

# Da-la-da-la-da-la, # Da-la-da-la-da-la

# Dum-da-la-da-la-la, ole! #

APPLAUSE

DRUM ROLL AND FANFARE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again, good evening ladies and gentlemen!

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening.

Your warmth of welcome for our newest newcomer -

Miss Joan Merrigan.

APPLAUSE

# My lords and ladies, I salute you

# A mortal from another sphere

# I do not mean to persecute you

# It seems my presence does not suit you

# And yet the truth

# Is all too clear

# And yet the truth is all too clear

# The simple fact is

# I am here

# I humbly bow before your graces

# A beggar maid of low degree

# A creature of the open spaces

# My only wealth, my liberty

# Last night I was a poor musician

# It is surprising, I confess

# Today, after a transition

# I find myself a baroness

# My father was a worthy member

# Of that elite, the human race

# His name, alas, I can't remember

# Nor have I ever seen his face

# Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah

# Hah-hah. #

APPLAUSE

-AUDIENCE:

-More! More!

# In Dublin's fair city

# Where the girls are so pretty

# I first set my eyes on Sweet Molly Malone

# As she wheeled her wheelbarrow

# Through streets broad and narrow

# Crying cockles and mussels

# Alive, alive-oh

# Alive, alive-oh

# Alive, alive-oh

# Crying cockles and mussels

# Alive, alive-oh

# She was a fishmonger

# And sure it was no wonder

# For so were her father and mother before

# And they both wheeled their barrow

# Through streets broad and narrow

# Crying cockles and mussels

# Alive, alive-oh

# Alive, alive-oh

# Alive, alive-oh

# Crying cockles and mussels

# Alive, alive-oh

# She died of a fever

# And no-one could save her

# And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone

# Now her ghost wheels her barrow

# Through streets broad and narrow

# Crying cockles and mussels

# Alive, alive-oh

# Alive, alive-oh

# Alive, alive-oh

# Crying cockles and mussels

# Alive, alive-oh

# Alive, alive-oh

# Alive, a live-oh

# Crying cockles and mussels

# Alive, alive-oh! #

APPLAUSE

Inexhaustible,

in anecdotally,

persiflagenous..

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

From persiflage.

..flippancies,

Mr Peter Hudson!

APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you, very much. Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

-AUDIENCE:

-Evening.

I tell what, I'll try you out for laughs

to see which is the funnier side.

I'll try over here first you see just to see what you're like here.

I don't want you to laugh over there, else I'll get cross.

Just this side first you see.

A fellow walks into a pub with a penguin under his arm.

SQUEAKING NOISE

HE SQUEAKS

The man behind the counter said,

"What are you doing with that penguin?"

He said, "I just found it sitting in a deckchair on the...

"..on the beach in Blackpool trying to get that white bit brown."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"And he hadn't paid his deckchair..."

Keep still while I'm talking.

"So I've got him with me now."

"What are you going to do with him?"

He said, "I don't know, I've never found a penguin before."

"If I were you, I'd take that penguin to the zoo."

He said, "That's what I'll do." So off he went.

Two hours later the same fella walked into the pub

-with a penguin under his arm.

-HE SQUEAKS

The man behind the counter said,

"Is that the same penguin I saw you with two hours ago?"

He said, "Yeah, it is."

He said, "Didn't you take him to the zoo like I told you to?"

He said, "Yes, I did. He enjoyed it.

"I'm going to take him to the pictures now."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Now, I love animal stories and what I must tell you is there was

an elephant and a kangaroo and they were talking to one another.

And the kangaroo says to the elephant...

-IN NASAL VOICE:

-"Now...

"Now, I tell you what we're going to do."

This is the kangaroo talking.

"I tell you what we're going to do,

"we're going to rob a jeweller's shop."

So, the elephant said, "Yes, we're going to rob a jeweller's shop."

"Now, we'll drive up outside this jeweller's shop..."

"We'll drive up outside this jeweller's shop."

"We'll get out the car..."

"We'll get out the car."

"You'll chuck a brick through the window with your trunk."

"I'll chuck a brick through the window with my trunk."

"I'll grab the jewels and stuff them in my pouch."

"You'll grab the jewels and stuff them in your pouch."

AUDIENCE GIGGLES

"We'll get back in the car...

"We'll get back in the car."

"Noff, noff."

"Why noff, noff?"

"I've just caught my trunk in the door."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"And we'll head away on our tyres double-sharp round the corner."

"We'll head away on our...?" "Tyres."

"Tyres." "Double-sharp..."

"Double-sharp."

"Sharp." "Sharp."

"Round the corner." "Round the...?"

"Corner." "Corner."

"And take your trunk out of my pouch when I'm talking to you."

So this is what they did. They drove up outside the jewellers shop.

They got out of the car.

The elephant threw the brick through the window,

the kangaroo grabbed the jewels...

..stuffed them in his pouch...

RATCHET NOISE

They jumped back in the car,

"Noff, noff".

LAUGHTER

And they headed away on the tyres double-sharp round the corner.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Standing on the corner of the road was a chap in a flat hat.

He had seen all this happen.

Round the corner came a panda car, out gets a panda.

Says, "Allo, 'allo, 'allo, 'allo."

"Did you see what happened?

He said, "As a matter of fact, I did.

"You're not going to believe this."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"He said, "You're not the same chap with the penguin, are you?"

-He said, "No."

-LAUGHTER

"Round the corner came a car.

"Out got an elephant and a kangaroo."

He said, "What was the make of the car?"

"Well," he said, "It was a Mini."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"Convertible."

Well, it was when the elephant got out of it!

HE COUGHS

"And this elephant, he got out,

"he chucked the brick through the window with his trunk,

"the kangaroo grabbed the jewels, stuffed them in his pouch.

"They jumped back into the car

"and they headed away on their tyres double-sharp round the corner."

So the policeman said, "I see.

"Now tell me, would you be able to recognise these two again

"if you saw them?"

He said, "No." "Why not?"

"They had nylon stockings pulled over their heads."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

The impendimentor of illusion...

..adumbrates the advent of an exemplary exhibition

and exposition of pyrotechnical percussiveness.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

A xylophone player.

From Switzerland, Mr Ralph Heid.

APPLAUSE

Hey!

APPLAUSE

That's what I call ambidextrous.

And now, insidiously sonorous,

romanticising serenading resonances

from Mr Paul Rhodes.

BRASS SECTION PLAYS

# Maybe I'm right

# And maybe I'm wrong

# Maybe I'm weak

# And maybe I'm strong

# But nevertheless I'm in love

# With you

# Maybe I'll win

# Maybe I'll lose

# Maybe I'm in for singing the blues

# But nevertheless I'm in love

# With you

# Somehow I knew at a glance

# The terrible chances I'm taking

# Right from the start

# Left with a heart that was breaking

# Maybe I'll live

# A life of regrets

# Maybe I'll give much more than I get

# But nevertheless I'm in love

# With you. #

# Once in love with Amy

# Always in love with Amy

# Ever and ever fascinated by her

# Set her heart to fire to stay

# Once you're kissed by Amy

# Tear up your list, it's Amy

# Ply her with bonbons

# Poetry and flowers

# Moon a million hours away

# You might be quite the fickle-hearted rover

# So carefree and bold

# You love a girl and then you say it's over

# And then quit cold

# But once in love with Amy

# Always in love with Amy

# Ever and ever

# Sweetly you'll romance her

# But I know the answer will be

# That Amy'd rather stay in love

# With me. #

# And when I told them

# How beautiful you are

# They'd never believe me

# They'd never believe me

# Your lips, your eyes

# Your cheeks, your hair

# Are in a class beyond compare

# You're the loveliest girl

# I've ever seen

# And when I tell them

# And I'm certainly going to tell them

# That I'm a man whose wife one day you'll be

# They'll never believe me

# They'll never believe me

# That in this great big world

# You've chosen

# Me. #

APPLAUSE

Illimitable,

in legerdemain,

the thaumaturgical...

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

-You ought to be used to me by now!

-LAUGHTER

Apotheosis of mystification.

-Oh!

-Magic.

-Ah.

-From Sweden,

Eve 'n' Alan!

APPLAUSE AND BAND PLAYS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Tantalising tonalities

in troubadour triplicity.

Sweet substitutes.

# I'm puttin' on my top hat

# Tyin' up my white tie

# Brushin' off my tails

# I'm dudin' up my shirt front

# Puttin' in the shirt studs

# Polishin' my nails

# I'm steppin' out, my dear To breathe an atmosphere

# That simply reeks with class

# And I trust that you'll excuse my dust

# When I step on the gas

# For I'll be there

# Puttin' down my top hat

# Mussin' up my white tie

# Dancin' in my tails

# Foddly ho, foddly ho

# Ba-la-lah

# La, la, la, ooh

# I've rented a suit

# I'll be a king just for a day

# Cos I'm happy

# Lord, lordy I'm happy

# Borrowed a hat

# Shoes got a shine

# I've got a date quarter to nine

# When I'm dancing

# Everybody there's dancing

# I look keen and what I mean

# I simply reek with class

# On my way excuse my dust

# When I step on the gas

# Back in my room

# Popcorn at night I'm dressed like a groom while I'm dancing

# I'm happy cos I'm dancing

# That's the reason that I'm...

# Puttin' on my top hat

# Tyin' up my white tie

# Brushin' off my tails

# I'm so happy cos I'm

# Duding up my shirt front

# Putting in my shirt studs polishing my nails

# Fa, la, doo, ba, doo, bam

# I'm steppin' off the gas

# Ba-da, ba, ba, ba-da, boo

# Baby, step on the gas now

# I'm gonna be there

# Puttin' down my top hat

# Mussing up my white tie

# I'm gonna be there dancing in my tails! #

Magniloquence,

luminary of lugubrious lucubrations.

The one and only Mr Les Dawson.

APPLAUSE

I have often heard it said that an artist can tell if the

audience like him by the warmth and enthusiasm in their applause.

If that's true, all that is left for me to say in response is

quite simply, good evening, welcome to the show and...

BAND PLAYS

Who made me say that? That was unforgivable.

I can only crave your indulgence and put it down to the fact that

I have had a couple of traumatic experiences in my life.

Last Monday, after 15 happy years,

my dear wife run away with the fellow next door and,

ooh, I do miss him!

Last night I was sat at the bottom of my garden, smoking

a reflective cheroot thinking about this and that, mostly that...

And as I gazed at the night sky, that vast celestial canopy,

a feeling, a sense of profound awe came over me

as I looked to the myriads of stars twinkling like pieces of

quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet, my senses,

my very pulse raced at the sight of the waxen moon riding

high across the heavens towards the black void

wherein the tethered bulks of Jupiter and Mars hung festooned

for all time...

..in their orbital majesty. Ladies and gentlemen,

I sat there and thought I must put some slates on this lavatory!

Suddenly from the heavens streaked

a ball of fire, which landed

right in my garden, right in the middle of a clump of gladioli.

Incinerated the lawn and scorched the desire from a rumpant Tom.

I should have said rampant but that is how bad it was, it was rumpant.

Now despite what it says in my Army discharge book, I am not alarmist.

But can you imagine how I felt

when a hole appeared in the side of the metal sphere

and a creature emerged, tottered, is a better word,

a tall thin green man with enormous ears. I have never seen ears so big.

It looked like a corroded wing nut.

This creature tottered towards me and went...

Somehow I found my tongue which was in my mouth all the time.

Handy place to keep it, actually.

I said, "Oh, space traveller, where are you from. The moon?"

And the thing replied, "Yes!"

I said, "How long has it taken you to come from the moon to Earth?"

The thing said, "50 million light years. And a fortnight."

I said, "That's a long time to spend in a small iron ball.

"Welcome to Earth, what can I do for you?"

He said, "Can I use your toilet?"

No, I told that story to the mother-in-law last night

and she nearly died laughing.

Still, better luck next time.

Well, I must say it is a great pleasure to be appearing once

more in this delightfully furnished theatrical cupboard.

It's always got such a nice atmosphere, this place.

It is like having a birthday. As soon as you walk in, it puts years on you.

Don't you find it warm in here? Do you find it warm?

I haven't been this hot since I paid the rates twice.

They used to be air-conditioned in here, you know

but somebody killed the bat.

Mind you, it could be me.

I don't wish to appear to seek sympathy

but I haven't been well. I went to the doctor last week,

I said, "What's good for incessant wind?" He gave me a kite!

I was on the way out, he pointed to a bottle on the shelf.

He said, "Do me a sample in there." I said, "What, from down here?"

I thought, if I can do that, there can't be much wrong with me.

Mind you, I don't think much of this doctor of ours.

I am not saying he's old-fashioned

but when he lances a boil he does it on horseback.

You see you can sit there and smirk but you don't know what life is.

Life seems to be a matter of choice, if you are lucky, I am not lucky.

Dame Fortune has never once smiled on me.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

I bought some bananas last week and when I peeled them they were empty!

I backed a horse in the Grand National and it fell in the paddock.

But one tries and may I say that if you are ever around where

I live because you have been such a superb audience tonight,

the complete liquefaction of corybantics.

Should you ever be where I live, don't hesitate to call

and believe me the front door is always open.

We can't shut the bloody thing!

APPLAUSE

Triumphal in transatlantic tune twinning, once again

the Players Theatre with Miss Julia Sutton and Miss Eleanor McCready.

# East End, West End

# All around the town

# The kids play Ring O' Roses

# London Bridge is falling down

# Boys and girls together

# Me and Johnnie Brown

# Trip the light fantastic

# On the streets of London town

# East side, west side

# All around the town

# The kids play Ring O' Roses

# Brooklyn Bridge is falling down

# Boys and girls together

# Me and Jonnie O'Rourke

# Trip the light fantastic

# On the sidewalks of New York

# Give my regards to Broadway

# Remember me to Herald Square

# Tell all the gang at 42nd Street that I will soon be there

# Tell them of how I'm yearning

# To mingle with the old time throng

# Give my regards to old Broadway

# And tell 'em I'll be there, 'ere long

# Come with me down Regent Street

# Come with me down Regent Street

# No more strolling down the Strand

# Strolling down the Strand isn't half so grand

# So come with me down Regent Street

# Everyone will dream

# If you'll come down Regent Street

# She's the belle of New York

# The subject of all the town talk

# She makes the old Bowery

# Fragrant and flowery

# When she goes out for a walk

# She's soft as a snowy white dove

# She's simply created to love

# The fellas all sigh for her

# They would all die for her

# She is the belle of New York

# While London sleeps

# And all the lamps are gleaming

# A million of its people

# All lie sweetly dreaming

# Some have no homes

# And o'er their sorrows weep

# Others laugh and play the game

# While London's fast asleep

# The bowery, the bowery

# They say such things and do such things

# The Bowery! The Bowery!

# I'll never go there any more

# The Bowery! The Bowery!

# They say such things and do such things

# The Bowery! The Bowery!

# I'll never go there any more

# If Margate was down in Regent Street

# Blackpool in Leicester Square

# If the Isle of Man were somewhere down the Strand

# Oh, it would be grand, listening to the band

# If Brighton fair was in Trafalgar Square

# Piccadilly all surrounded by the sea

# You could bathe with all the boys down Bond Street

# What a grand place London Town would be

# Columbus discovered America

# Hudson discovered New York

# Benjamin Franklin discovered the spark

# That Edison discovered would light up the dark

# Marconi discovered the wireless telegraph

# Across the ocean blue

# But the greatest discovery was when you discovered me

# And I discovered you

-COMPANY:

-# Columbus discovered America

# Hudson discovered New York

# Benjamin Franklin discovered the spark

# That Edison discovered would light up the dark

# Marconi discovered the wireless telegraph

# Across the ocean blue

# But the greatest discovery was when you discovered me

# And I discovered you-u-u-u-u

# And you! #

There is only just time to ask Mr Les Dawson to lead

the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Les Dawson and the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and undefeated orchestra...

APPLAUSE

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me down at the Old Bull And Bush

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull And Bush

# Hear the little German band Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush. #