02/01/1980 The Good Old Days

FANFARE

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Once again,

good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening.

Fantasmagorically...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Gives me time to think of the next word!

Efflorescence

In...in pantomimicry, ladies and gentlemen.

Festival offerings, flamboyancies,

with the Players' Theatre plus Mr John Inman!

APPLAUSE

HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER

# We all have a jolly good time

# With the dame in the pantomime

# For she is the one who will start off the fun

# And the hero is always her favourite son

-# Robin Hood

-Aladdin

-# Dick Whittington

-And Jack

# Tell us stories in song and in rhyme

# It's the time of the year when the children all cheer

# For the dame in a pantomime

# For the dame in the pantomime

# Let's have a song about the boys

# About the boys, about the boys

# Beanstalk Jack, Aladdin, Robin Hood

# Whittington and the charming Puss in Boots

# Let's have a song about the boys

# About the boys, about the boys

# All together let us stick with this and sing

# So, let's have a song about the boys. #

Robin Hood.

Beanstalk Jack.

Aladdin.

Dick Whittington.

And now we present Prince Charming.

-Are you free?

-I'm free!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

They're heavy, aren't they?

How do you manage them?

They're making me round-shouldered.

At least I can hang mine up for half an hour! That's more than you.

# Put me amongst the girls

# Put me amongst the girls

# Do me a favour, do

# I know I'll do the same to you

# Put me amongst the girls

# Those with the curly curls

# They enjoy themselves and so will I

# Put me amongst the girls

# There ain't no sense sitting on the fence

# All by yourself in the moonlight

# There ain't no thrill by a water mill

# All by yourself in the moonlight

# There ain't no fun sitting beneath the trees

# Giving yourself a hug, giving yourself a squeeze

# Life's a farce sitting on the grass

# All by yourself in the moonlight

# Give yourself a pat on the back, pat on the back, pat on the back

# Say to yourself, we're all in good health, we've had a good day today

# Yesterday was full of trouble and sorrow

# Nobody knows what's going to happen tomorrow

# So give yourself a pat on the back

# Pat on the back, a pat on the back

# Say to yourself, it's jolly good health

# We've had a good day today

# Had a good day, had a good day, had such a perfectly good day

# Today! #

APPLAUSE

I promise you, you will have Mr John Inman

and the Players' Theatre once again later on in the programme.

But now, we proudly present for your approbation, a newcomer

and herald harbinger of uninhibited Hebraic hilarity.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Jewish jokes.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bernard Spear.

APPLAUSE

Good evening, shalom.

-AUDIENCE:

-Shalom.

There you are, you see, I've been on five seconds,

already you're speaking another language.

Did you see the Prince Charming come on there? What a lovely boy.

Couldn't fall flat on his face if he tried.

It's Leonard Sachs.

May I always say it's always been a pleasure

and it always will continue to be a happy new year.

HE SPEAKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

Another one speaking another language.

I'll tell you, a Rabbi's son from Manchester.

How are you? All right? Are you well? Good.

I don't know why I'm so happy. I've got such trouble with my wife.

Formidable lady, my wife. She frightens all the shopkeepers.

She went into little Mr Cohen's shop,

the grocery shop, the other day.

She said, "How much the big brown eggs?"

He comes out from behind the counter.

He says, "Mrs, you want big brown eggs, they are 10p."

She said, "10p a dozen?

"What kind of a Chancellor of the Exchequer is Lloyd George,

"he should allow charging 10p a dozen for big brown eggs?"

He says, "Mrs, please, you want big brown eggs, 10p a dozen.

"Why take the cheaper 9p a dozen?"

She said, "I want cheaper."

He said, "Cracked eggs, take cracked eggs.

"Cracked eggs you can have 6p a dozen."

She said, "Good, crack me a dozen of the big brown eggs."

LAUGHTER

She said to him, "I would like some smoked salmon."

So he takes a side salmon. He starts to cut. He says, "How many slices?"

She said, "Keep cutting, I'll tell you." He cuts a few more slices.

He says, "You got a party in the house?"

She said, "What's your business? Keep cutting." He cuts a few more.

He says, "You've got, perhaps, a Bar Mitzvah in the family."

She said, "Keep cutting, I'll tell you when to stop."

So he cuts and he cuts. By now he's nearly in the middle,

the thick part of the salmon.

She said, "Stop! I'll take the next two slices."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. I'll tell you, you mustn't have too much pity on him.

He's a good businessman, young Cohen.

The other day, outside the shop is a little black cat

and it's drinking milk from a bowl.

But what a bowl, an exquisite piece of Roman pottery.

You've never seen anything like it in your life.

Where the Lord he got it from I don't know.

All of a sudden comes a Rolls-Royce, aluminium, big

shining lamps and a man with a top hat and a frock coat gets out.

He's an expert. He looks at the bowl.

He knows the British Museum hasn't even got a copy. It's flawless.

Not a crack. It's priceless.

He can't wait to get his hands on it but how, he's got to box clever.

So he goes in the shop and there is little Mr Cohen with his black

homburg hat, fingernails to match.

And the fella says, "Excuse me, my man, I'm an animal lover.

"I would like to buy that pussycat on the pavement."

And Cohen says, "The cat is not for sale,

"it's like a member of the family." He said, "I'll give you £5 in cash."

He said, "Sold."

So he puts five golden sovereigns on the counter

and Cohen picks them up.

He goes, he picks up the cat and he picks up the bowl and Cohen

says, "Governor, you're buying the cat, not the saucer,

"put down the saucer."

He says, "The cat is going to feel strange in a strange

"environment, I'll take something belonging to the cat.

"It'll make him feel at home." He said, "Put down the saucer.

"That's my lucky saucer. With that saucer I sold 45 cats this week."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're a very friendly lot. You deserve a happy New Year.

I'm going to tell you something.

# You see you've got to have a little mazel

# Cos mazel means good luck

# And if you've all got mazel

# Then you'll always have a buck

# But if you've got a mazel

# Though you're on the ball

# You'll try and try, you won't get by

# You bang your head against the wall

# Don't ever try to wonder why you seem to get the blame

# Some folks make a million and they can't even write their name

# You've got to have a little mazel and you never will get stuck

# That's why I wish you mazel

# May you always have good luck. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Mirroring this orchidaceous assemblage, the glass of fashion,

the very mould of form, that Debonair dulcet toned bow idial.

Mr David Cannon.

MUSIC PLAYS

# Senorita Nina from Argentina knew all the dancers

# Though her relatives and friends were perfect dancers

# She swore she'd never dance a step until she died

# She said I've seen too many movies

# And all they prove is too idiotic

# They all insist that South America's exotic

# Whereas it couldn't be more boring if it tried

# She said that frankly she was blinded

# To all their over-advertised romantic charms

# And then she got more bloody minded

# And told them where to put their tropic palms

# She said, I hate to be pedantic

# But I'm driven nearly frantic

# When I see that unromantic sycophantic lot of sluts

# Forever wriggling their guts

# It drives me absolutely nuts

# She refused to begin the beguine when they requested it

# And she made an embarrassing scene if anyone suggested it

# For she detested it

# Though no-one ever could be keener than little Nina

# On quite a number of very eligible men who did the rhumba

# When they proposed to her she simply left them flat

# She said that love should be impulsive but not convulsive

# And syncopation had a discouraging effect on procreation

# And that she'd rather read a book and that was that

# She declined to begin the beguine though they besought her to

# And with language profane and obscene

# She cursed the man who taught her to

# She cursed Cole Porter, too

# From this it's fairly clear that Nina in her demeanour

# Was so offensive

# That when the hatred of her friends grew too intensive

# She thought she'd better beat it while she had the chance

# After some trial and tribulation, she reached the station

# And met a sailor who had acquired a wooden leg in Venezuela

# And so she married him because he couldn't dance

# There surely never could've been a

# More irritating girl than Nina

# They never speak in Argentina

# Of that degenerate bambina

# Who had the luck to find romance

# But resolutely wouldn't da-a-a-a A-a-a-a A-a-a-a A-a-a-ance

# I will not dance

# Hola! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen.

It's lovely to be back in this perfect theatre.

And now a song, another song by Noel Coward which is very

appropriate for this very special season.

# I'll see you again

# Whenever spring breaks through again

# Time may lie heavy between

# But what has been

# Is past forgetting

# This sweet memory

# Across the years will come to me

# Though my world may go awry

# In my heart will ever lie

# Just the echo of a sigh

# Goodbye

# I'll see you again

# When ever spring breaks through again

# Time may lie heavy between

# But what has been

# Is past forgetting

# This sweet memory

# Across the years will come to me

# Though my world may go awry

# In my heart will ever lie

# Just the echo of a sigh

# Goodbye. #

APPLAUSE

Inordinately epicene,

insouciance incarnate.

Cheek.

Once again, as promised, the one and only Mr John Inman.

CHEERING

# I've seen lots of funny things in my time

# But there's one thing I've not seen up to now

# For years and years and years I've kept on searching

# But I always seem to have bad luck somehow

# To find the thing I'm looking for, around the world I've been

# And now I'm going to tell you what it is I haven't seen

# Well, I've never, never, never, never

# I've never seen a straight banana

# I've been round the town, I've been round the town

# I've seen bananas standing up, I've seen them lying down

# I've tried everywhere to find one

# America, Jamaica and Havana

# But I've never, never, never, never

# I've never seen a straight banana... #

Weren't you good? Oh. All right, hands up, who's seen one?

LAUGHTER

Outside.

I love bananas, don't you? I love bananas.

They're good for you, aren't they, as well?

I get mine from the Canary. Canary.

Bananas come from the Canary. I've often...

How a little bird can lay a big thing like that...

But they're very good from you. Apart from eating, you know.

LAUGHTER

They do you a world of good. I always...

They make you look ten years younger.

I always, I always take one to bed with me every night.

LAUGHTER

I do, I do. And I'll tell you what I do.

I take my clothes off, I get into bed, I peel it,

I put it in a bowl, I mush it up and I spread it all over my face.

I peeled one the other night. It was empty.

# I've seen cabbages, I have, with knobs on

# I've seen lovely red tomatoes blue

# I've seen scarlet runners running

# I've seen them when they couldn't walk too

# I've seen some new potatoes with their eyes all full of tears

# Because their friend the onion had been sentenced to three years

# But I've never, never, never, never

# I've never seen a straight banana

# I've been round the town, I've been round the town

# I've seen bananas standing up

# I've seen them lying down

# I've searched everyone to find one

# Jamaica, America and Havana

# But I've never, never, never, never

# I've never seen a straight banana

# I've never, never, never, never

# I've never seen a straight banana. #

CHEERING

Well, that's what I call fruity.

LAUGHTER

Inescapably risque...

Irresistibly ti-tillant...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

He's from Paris.

Formidable,

farouche,

frenetique!

The Lido Can Can Girls with Monsieur Michel Arene!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FAST MUSIC

CAN CAN GIRLS WHOOP

Whoo!

Whoo!

DRUMBEAT

Ya!

FAST MUSIC

CAN CAN GIRLS YELP

MUSIC STOPS, APPLAUSE

MUSIC RESUMES

CAN CAN GIRLS YELP

Whoo, whoo!

CAN CAN GIRLS YELP

Whoo!

Ah!

Whoo!

CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER

Whee!

CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC RESUMES

Whoo!

CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER

Whoo!

Ah!

FAST HANDCLAP

CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER

CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that's one for the armchair travellers.

GENTLE LAUGHTER Now...

Provocatively, pulchritudiness...

-luminescent in-empanoplied nubility...

-Ooh!

Welcome to an adorable newcomer,

Miss Gemma Craven!

APPLAUSE

# There's no mistake that I can act

# I'm talented and that's a fact

# I know because my mother told me so

# She kept a house for actor folks

# And listened to their funny jokes

# So now I guess my mother ought to know

# But managers are awful dense

# It seems to me they have no sense

# I know my darling mother

# Wouldn't lie

# She thinks I'm better than the best

# But managers think I'm a pest

# And all they say is go somewhere and die!

# If the managers only thought the same as Mother

# You'd bet I'd show them all a thing or three

# My mama, who don't tell fibs

# Said if I pleased Ernest Gibbs

# Gertie Millar wouldn't stand a chance with me!

# And if managers only took a tip from Mother

# I'd be starring on the bill, the only star

# Kenny Payne would get the sack

# And soon have boards upon his back

# If the managers only took a tip from Ma

# My mother goes to all the shows

# She knows what every woman knows

# She knows Maud Allan's fascinating style

# But masters, she would stand no chance

# With me and our Salome dance

# If I wore coloured beads

# And my big smile

# I think I'm great in everything

# I suppose you've never heard me sing

# Ma thinks I'd shine upon the opera stage...

# Caruso off his dot would go

# If he heard my top note... #

-What-ho!

-SHE LAUGHS

# And Tetrazzini would go mad with rage

# If the managers only thought the same as Mother

# It would fill poor Sarah Bernhardt with regrets

# Ellen Terry if she knew

# And Miss Lena Ashwell too

# They would jump the stage and join the suffragettes!

# If the managers only took a tip from Mother

# They would label me the only tragic star

# Devotees might be allowed just to walk on with the crowd

# If the managers only took a tip from Ma

# Beerbohm Tree might be allowed

# Just to walk on with the crowd

# If the managers only thought the same as Ma. #

APPLAUSE

# My mother's name

# Was Mary

# She was so good and true

# Because her name was Mary

# She called me Mary, too

# She wasn't gay or airy

# As plain as she could be

# I'd hate to meet her fairy

# Who calls herself Marie

# For it was Mary

# Mary

# Plain as any name can be

# But with propriety

# Society

# Will say...

# Marie

-GEMMA AND AUDIENCE:

-# For it was Mary

# Mary

# Long before the fashions came

# For there is something there

# That sounds so square

# It's a grand old name

# Her name was Mary

# Mary

# Plain as any name can be

# But with propriety

# Society

# Will say

# Marie

# But it was Mary

# Mary

# Long before the fashions came

# For there is something there

# That sounds so square

# It's a grand

# Old

# Name. #

APPLAUSE

Unequivocally...

unique operatic equipoise...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..contributing culture,

all the way from La Scala, Milan,

is Signor Gino Donati!

APPLAUSE AND MUSIC

# Vide 'o mare quant'e bello

# Spira tantu sentimento

# Comme tu a

# Chi tiene mente

# Ca scetato 'o faie sunna

# Ma nun me lassa

# Nun darme stu turmiento!

# Torna a surriento

# Famme

# Campa! #

APPLAUSE

Thank you, and now for classical lovers,

I will sing for you the famous aria from La Boheme

by Puccini, Che Gelida Manina.

Maestro, prego.

APPLAUSE

PIANO MUSIC STARTS

# Che gelida manina

# Se la lasci riscaldar

# Cercar che giova?

# Al buio non si trova

# Ma per fortuna

# E una notte di luna

# E qui la luna

# Labbiamo...

-# Vicina...

-BANGING

-# Aspetti, signorina... #

-LAUGHTER

INDISTINCT WHISPERING ON STAGE

Can't you see I am singing?

Excuse me, sir, but I have technical difficulties.

A broken cable and everything is frozen up.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes.

-I think it was an opera.

-Yes.

-Your story is not funny.

Don't forget there are millions of people watching us...

But where, where?

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

-Get out from here. Maestro, please...

-Oh, want a character.

-If you are a great tenor, I am an honest worker.

-I don't care, away.

And anyway, I sing, too.

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

-You sing, too?

-Yes, sir...

-You have a wonderful opportunity to be heard.

-You sing...

-Yes.

-HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

Ooh, my wife will be happy.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-Very good.

-APPLAUSE

He sing, too.

-Could you accompany me, please?

-You?

INDISTINCT SPEECH

-SCOTTISH ACCENT

-You?

I'm not playing for you, Jimmy.

LAUGHTER

I'm only playing for you, Jimmy.

What happen now?

What's happening now?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-Better!

-No, no, please, no...

-I will accompany you at the piano myself.

-I am a sport, you permit it, so...

-You play the piano, OK?

I'll do my best. Don't worry.

HE SINGS WEAKLY

LAUGHTER

HE SINGS WEAKLY

Che miseria.

LAUGHTER

HE SINGS IN FALSETTO

-The audience is crying.

-That is not feeling?

-That is feeling the...

Yes, I singing, I have had enough!

WHOOPING AND LAUGHTER

Intellectual man, intellectual man. Sexy leg.

Bella gamba!

En Francais, une personne cuis de gradue.

In Italiano, prosciutto di parma.

In English, frog legs.

LAUGHTER

Try to do the same!

APPLAUSE

And why not? Why not?

You don't do that.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Every tenor can do that today...

HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

LAUGHTER

-You are the first that I have seen.

-Thank you.

-I have a wonderful idea.

-Another one?

Yes, you lie down on the floor and I do the rest.

LAUGHTER

I think you made a mistake in coming here.

This is a smart room, not a joint.

Don't worry, this is the very last thing...

-The very last thing, after we go back to the...

-After, I go.

-Whatever...

-Keep your hands back...

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER IN ITALIAN

Keep your hand...

-The head, please.

-LAUGHTER

-Push the left.

-Never.

-Push the right.

-The right, yes.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-Ah!

-GINO STRAINS

APPLAUSE

HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

GINO STRAINS

LAUGHTER

-Left one or the right one.

-I don't fool around with it either.

-Ooh!

-WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no, no...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-APPLAUSE

-Merci.

Come on.

LAUGHTER

He doesn't.

PIANO MUSIC STARTS

Mummy...

GENTLE LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Prego, silenzio.

-Watch it!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

MUSIC RESUMES

# Partirono le rondini dal mio paese freddo

# E senza sole

# Cercando primavere di viole

# Nidi d'amore e di felicita

# La mia piccola rondine parti

# Senza lasciarmi un bacio

# Senza un addio parti

# Non ti scordar di me

# La vita mia legata a te

# Lo t'amo sempre piu

# Nel sogno mio rimani tu

# Non ti scordar di me

# La vita mia legata a te

APPLAUSE

# C'e sempre un nido

# Nel mio cor per te

# Non ti scordar di me. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The apogee, the apotheosis...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..of panegyric patriotism.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Mr John Inman and the multipotent Players' Theatre.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# It's all right, it's all right now

# There's no need to worry any more

# I saw the army wasn't strong

# Everything was wrong until the day I came along

# Then the band played and they all hoorayed

# The guns fired a salvo of delight

# I joined the army yesterday

# So the army of today's all right. #

# There's something about a soldier

# There's something about a soldier

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine

# He may be a Major General

# He may be a Sergeant Major

# He may be simple private of the line, line, line

# But there's something about his bearing

# There's something about his bearing

# There's something about his buttons all a shine, shine, shine

# Oh, a military chest seems to suit the ladies best

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine. #

# When the man o' war or merchant ship comes sailing into port

# The jolly tar with joy will sing out land ahoy!

# With his pockets full of money and a parrot in a cage

# He smiles at all the pretty girls upon the landing stage

# All the nice girls love a sailor

# All the nice girls love a tar

# For there's something about a sailor

# Well, you know what sailors are

# Bright and breezy, free and easy

# He's the ladies' pride and joy

# He falls in love with Kate and Jane

-# Then he's off to sea again

-Ship ahoy, ship ahoy

# All the nice girls love a sailor

# All the nice girls love a tar

# For there's something about a sailor

# Well, you know what sailors are

# Bright and breezy, free and easy

# He's the ladies' pride and joy

# He falls in love with Kate and Jane

# Then he's off to sea again Ship ahoy, ship ahoy. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

ORCHESTRA PLAY RULE, BRITANNIA

# Sons of the sea all British-born

# Sailing every ocean

# Laughing foes to scorn

# They may build their ships, my lads

# And think they know the game

# But they can't build the boys of the bulldog breed

# Who made old England's name

# Sons of the sea

# Bobbing up and down like this

# Sailing every ocean

# Bobbing up and down like this

# They may build their ships, my lads

# Bobbing up and down like this

# But they can't build the boys of the bulldog breed

# Bobbing up and down like this. #

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# It's a long way to go

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# To the sweetest girl I know

# Goodbye, Piccadilly

# Farewell, Leicester Square

# It's a long, long way to Tipperary

# But my heart's right there. #

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile

# While you've a lucifer to light your fag

# Smile, boys, that's the style

# What's the use of worrying?

# It never was worthwhile

# So pack up your troubles in your old kit bag

# And smile, smile, smile. #

# Rule, Britannia

# Britannia, rule the waves

# Britain never, never, never shall be slaves. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There's just time to ask Mr John Inman

to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

down at The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Inman, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..but chiefly...

-ALL:

-Yourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Come, come drink some port wine with me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band umpapapa umpapapa

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Bush-Bush! #