02/01/1980 The Good Old Days


02/01/1980

Leonard Sachs chairs the old-time music hall programme. Featuring John Inman, Gemma Craven, David Kernan, Bernard Spear, Gino Donati and Michel Arene and the Lido Can Can Dancers.


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Transcript


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FANFARE

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APPLAUSE

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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Once again,

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good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening.

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Fantasmagorically...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

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Gives me time to think of the next word!

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Efflorescence

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In...in pantomimicry, ladies and gentlemen.

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Festival offerings, flamboyancies,

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with the Players' Theatre plus Mr John Inman!

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APPLAUSE

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HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER

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# We all have a jolly good time

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# With the dame in the pantomime

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# For she is the one who will start off the fun

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# And the hero is always her favourite son

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-# Robin Hood

-Aladdin

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-# Dick Whittington

-And Jack

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# Tell us stories in song and in rhyme

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# It's the time of the year when the children all cheer

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# For the dame in a pantomime

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# For the dame in the pantomime

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# Let's have a song about the boys

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# About the boys, about the boys

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# Beanstalk Jack, Aladdin, Robin Hood

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# Whittington and the charming Puss in Boots

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# Let's have a song about the boys

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# About the boys, about the boys

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# All together let us stick with this and sing

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# So, let's have a song about the boys. #

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Robin Hood.

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Beanstalk Jack.

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Aladdin.

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Dick Whittington.

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And now we present Prince Charming.

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-Are you free?

-I'm free!

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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APPLAUSE

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They're heavy, aren't they?

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How do you manage them?

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They're making me round-shouldered.

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At least I can hang mine up for half an hour! That's more than you.

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# Put me amongst the girls

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# Put me amongst the girls

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# Do me a favour, do

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# I know I'll do the same to you

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# Put me amongst the girls

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# Those with the curly curls

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# They enjoy themselves and so will I

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# Put me amongst the girls

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# There ain't no sense sitting on the fence

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# All by yourself in the moonlight

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# There ain't no thrill by a water mill

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# All by yourself in the moonlight

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# There ain't no fun sitting beneath the trees

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# Giving yourself a hug, giving yourself a squeeze

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# Life's a farce sitting on the grass

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# All by yourself in the moonlight

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# Give yourself a pat on the back, pat on the back, pat on the back

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# Say to yourself, we're all in good health, we've had a good day today

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# Yesterday was full of trouble and sorrow

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# Nobody knows what's going to happen tomorrow

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# So give yourself a pat on the back

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# Pat on the back, a pat on the back

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# Say to yourself, it's jolly good health

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# We've had a good day today

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# Had a good day, had a good day, had such a perfectly good day

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# Today! #

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APPLAUSE

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I promise you, you will have Mr John Inman

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and the Players' Theatre once again later on in the programme.

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But now, we proudly present for your approbation, a newcomer

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and herald harbinger of uninhibited Hebraic hilarity.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

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Jewish jokes.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bernard Spear.

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening, shalom.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Shalom.

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There you are, you see, I've been on five seconds,

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already you're speaking another language.

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Did you see the Prince Charming come on there? What a lovely boy.

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Couldn't fall flat on his face if he tried.

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It's Leonard Sachs.

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May I always say it's always been a pleasure

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and it always will continue to be a happy new year.

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HE SPEAKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

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Another one speaking another language.

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I'll tell you, a Rabbi's son from Manchester.

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How are you? All right? Are you well? Good.

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I don't know why I'm so happy. I've got such trouble with my wife.

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Formidable lady, my wife. She frightens all the shopkeepers.

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She went into little Mr Cohen's shop,

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the grocery shop, the other day.

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She said, "How much the big brown eggs?"

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He comes out from behind the counter.

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He says, "Mrs, you want big brown eggs, they are 10p."

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She said, "10p a dozen?

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"What kind of a Chancellor of the Exchequer is Lloyd George,

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"he should allow charging 10p a dozen for big brown eggs?"

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He says, "Mrs, please, you want big brown eggs, 10p a dozen.

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"Why take the cheaper 9p a dozen?"

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She said, "I want cheaper."

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He said, "Cracked eggs, take cracked eggs.

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"Cracked eggs you can have 6p a dozen."

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She said, "Good, crack me a dozen of the big brown eggs."

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LAUGHTER

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She said to him, "I would like some smoked salmon."

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So he takes a side salmon. He starts to cut. He says, "How many slices?"

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She said, "Keep cutting, I'll tell you." He cuts a few more slices.

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He says, "You got a party in the house?"

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She said, "What's your business? Keep cutting." He cuts a few more.

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He says, "You've got, perhaps, a Bar Mitzvah in the family."

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She said, "Keep cutting, I'll tell you when to stop."

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So he cuts and he cuts. By now he's nearly in the middle,

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the thick part of the salmon.

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She said, "Stop! I'll take the next two slices."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you. I'll tell you, you mustn't have too much pity on him.

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He's a good businessman, young Cohen.

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The other day, outside the shop is a little black cat

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and it's drinking milk from a bowl.

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But what a bowl, an exquisite piece of Roman pottery.

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You've never seen anything like it in your life.

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Where the Lord he got it from I don't know.

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All of a sudden comes a Rolls-Royce, aluminium, big

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shining lamps and a man with a top hat and a frock coat gets out.

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He's an expert. He looks at the bowl.

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He knows the British Museum hasn't even got a copy. It's flawless.

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Not a crack. It's priceless.

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He can't wait to get his hands on it but how, he's got to box clever.

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So he goes in the shop and there is little Mr Cohen with his black

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homburg hat, fingernails to match.

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And the fella says, "Excuse me, my man, I'm an animal lover.

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"I would like to buy that pussycat on the pavement."

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And Cohen says, "The cat is not for sale,

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"it's like a member of the family." He said, "I'll give you £5 in cash."

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He said, "Sold."

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So he puts five golden sovereigns on the counter

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and Cohen picks them up.

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He goes, he picks up the cat and he picks up the bowl and Cohen

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says, "Governor, you're buying the cat, not the saucer,

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"put down the saucer."

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He says, "The cat is going to feel strange in a strange

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"environment, I'll take something belonging to the cat.

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"It'll make him feel at home." He said, "Put down the saucer.

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"That's my lucky saucer. With that saucer I sold 45 cats this week."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You're a very friendly lot. You deserve a happy New Year.

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I'm going to tell you something.

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# You see you've got to have a little mazel

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# Cos mazel means good luck

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# And if you've all got mazel

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# Then you'll always have a buck

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# But if you've got a mazel

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# Though you're on the ball

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# You'll try and try, you won't get by

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# You bang your head against the wall

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# Don't ever try to wonder why you seem to get the blame

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# Some folks make a million and they can't even write their name

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# You've got to have a little mazel and you never will get stuck

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# That's why I wish you mazel

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# May you always have good luck. #

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Mirroring this orchidaceous assemblage, the glass of fashion,

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the very mould of form, that Debonair dulcet toned bow idial.

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Mr David Cannon.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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# Senorita Nina from Argentina knew all the dancers

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# Though her relatives and friends were perfect dancers

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# She swore she'd never dance a step until she died

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# She said I've seen too many movies

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# And all they prove is too idiotic

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# They all insist that South America's exotic

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# Whereas it couldn't be more boring if it tried

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# She said that frankly she was blinded

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# To all their over-advertised romantic charms

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# And then she got more bloody minded

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# And told them where to put their tropic palms

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# She said, I hate to be pedantic

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# But I'm driven nearly frantic

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# When I see that unromantic sycophantic lot of sluts

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# Forever wriggling their guts

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# It drives me absolutely nuts

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# She refused to begin the beguine when they requested it

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# And she made an embarrassing scene if anyone suggested it

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# For she detested it

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# Though no-one ever could be keener than little Nina

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# On quite a number of very eligible men who did the rhumba

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# When they proposed to her she simply left them flat

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# She said that love should be impulsive but not convulsive

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# And syncopation had a discouraging effect on procreation

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# And that she'd rather read a book and that was that

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# She declined to begin the beguine though they besought her to

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# And with language profane and obscene

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# She cursed the man who taught her to

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# She cursed Cole Porter, too

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# From this it's fairly clear that Nina in her demeanour

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# Was so offensive

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# That when the hatred of her friends grew too intensive

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# She thought she'd better beat it while she had the chance

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# After some trial and tribulation, she reached the station

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# And met a sailor who had acquired a wooden leg in Venezuela

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# And so she married him because he couldn't dance

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# There surely never could've been a

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# More irritating girl than Nina

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# They never speak in Argentina

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# Of that degenerate bambina

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# Who had the luck to find romance

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# But resolutely wouldn't da-a-a-a A-a-a-a A-a-a-a A-a-a-ance

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# I will not dance

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# Hola! #

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen.

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It's lovely to be back in this perfect theatre.

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And now a song, another song by Noel Coward which is very

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appropriate for this very special season.

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# I'll see you again

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# Whenever spring breaks through again

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# Time may lie heavy between

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# But what has been

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# Is past forgetting

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# This sweet memory

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# Across the years will come to me

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# Though my world may go awry

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# In my heart will ever lie

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# Just the echo of a sigh

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# Goodbye

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# I'll see you again

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# When ever spring breaks through again

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# Time may lie heavy between

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# But what has been

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# Is past forgetting

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# This sweet memory

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# Across the years will come to me

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# Though my world may go awry

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# In my heart will ever lie

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# Just the echo of a sigh

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# Goodbye. #

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APPLAUSE

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Inordinately epicene,

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insouciance incarnate.

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Cheek.

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Once again, as promised, the one and only Mr John Inman.

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CHEERING

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# I've seen lots of funny things in my time

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# But there's one thing I've not seen up to now

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# For years and years and years I've kept on searching

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# But I always seem to have bad luck somehow

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# To find the thing I'm looking for, around the world I've been

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# And now I'm going to tell you what it is I haven't seen

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# Well, I've never, never, never, never

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# I've never seen a straight banana

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# I've been round the town, I've been round the town

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# I've seen bananas standing up, I've seen them lying down

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# I've tried everywhere to find one

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# America, Jamaica and Havana

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# But I've never, never, never, never

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# I've never seen a straight banana... #

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Weren't you good? Oh. All right, hands up, who's seen one?

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LAUGHTER

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Outside.

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I love bananas, don't you? I love bananas.

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They're good for you, aren't they, as well?

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I get mine from the Canary. Canary.

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Bananas come from the Canary. I've often...

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How a little bird can lay a big thing like that...

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But they're very good from you. Apart from eating, you know.

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LAUGHTER

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They do you a world of good. I always...

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They make you look ten years younger.

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I always, I always take one to bed with me every night.

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LAUGHTER

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I do, I do. And I'll tell you what I do.

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I take my clothes off, I get into bed, I peel it,

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I put it in a bowl, I mush it up and I spread it all over my face.

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I peeled one the other night. It was empty.

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# I've seen cabbages, I have, with knobs on

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# I've seen lovely red tomatoes blue

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# I've seen scarlet runners running

0:20:120:20:16

# I've seen them when they couldn't walk too

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# I've seen some new potatoes with their eyes all full of tears

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# Because their friend the onion had been sentenced to three years

0:20:230:20:29

# But I've never, never, never, never

0:20:290:20:34

# I've never seen a straight banana

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# I've been round the town, I've been round the town

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# I've seen bananas standing up

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# I've seen them lying down

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# I've searched everyone to find one

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# Jamaica, America and Havana

0:20:480:20:52

# But I've never, never, never, never

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# I've never seen a straight banana

0:20:570:21:00

# I've never, never, never, never

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# I've never seen a straight banana. #

0:21:040:21:12

CHEERING

0:21:120:21:16

Well, that's what I call fruity.

0:21:250:21:28

LAUGHTER

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Inescapably risque...

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Irresistibly ti-tillant...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

0:21:350:21:37

He's from Paris.

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Formidable,

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farouche,

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frenetique!

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The Lido Can Can Girls with Monsieur Michel Arene!

0:21:460:21:51

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:510:21:53

FAST MUSIC

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CAN CAN GIRLS WHOOP

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Whoo!

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Whoo!

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DRUMBEAT

0:22:410:22:42

Ya!

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FAST MUSIC

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CAN CAN GIRLS YELP

0:23:200:23:22

MUSIC STOPS, APPLAUSE

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MUSIC RESUMES

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CAN CAN GIRLS YELP

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Whoo, whoo!

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CAN CAN GIRLS YELP

0:23:360:23:38

Whoo!

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Ah!

0:24:050:24:06

Whoo!

0:24:060:24:07

CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER

0:24:200:24:22

Whee!

0:24:390:24:40

CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:410:24:44

MUSIC RESUMES

0:24:440:24:45

Whoo!

0:24:450:24:46

CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER

0:24:460:24:48

Whoo!

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Ah!

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FAST HANDCLAP

0:25:110:25:13

CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER

0:25:170:25:19

CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER

0:25:470:25:51

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:510:25:52

Well, that's one for the armchair travellers.

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GENTLE LAUGHTER Now...

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Provocatively, pulchritudiness...

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-luminescent in-empanoplied nubility...

-Ooh!

0:26:140:26:19

Welcome to an adorable newcomer,

0:26:190:26:22

Miss Gemma Craven!

0:26:220:26:25

APPLAUSE

0:26:250:26:27

# There's no mistake that I can act

0:26:350:26:38

# I'm talented and that's a fact

0:26:380:26:40

# I know because my mother told me so

0:26:400:26:44

# She kept a house for actor folks

0:26:450:26:47

# And listened to their funny jokes

0:26:470:26:50

# So now I guess my mother ought to know

0:26:500:26:55

# But managers are awful dense

0:26:550:26:58

# It seems to me they have no sense

0:26:580:27:00

# I know my darling mother

0:27:000:27:03

# Wouldn't lie

0:27:030:27:05

# She thinks I'm better than the best

0:27:050:27:09

# But managers think I'm a pest

0:27:090:27:14

# And all they say is go somewhere and die!

0:27:140:27:19

# If the managers only thought the same as Mother

0:27:190:27:24

# You'd bet I'd show them all a thing or three

0:27:240:27:28

# My mama, who don't tell fibs

0:27:280:27:30

# Said if I pleased Ernest Gibbs

0:27:300:27:32

# Gertie Millar wouldn't stand a chance with me!

0:27:320:27:35

# And if managers only took a tip from Mother

0:27:370:27:40

# I'd be starring on the bill, the only star

0:27:400:27:45

# Kenny Payne would get the sack

0:27:450:27:47

# And soon have boards upon his back

0:27:470:27:49

# If the managers only took a tip from Ma

0:27:490:27:53

# My mother goes to all the shows

0:27:560:27:59

# She knows what every woman knows

0:27:590:28:01

# She knows Maud Allan's fascinating style

0:28:030:28:06

# But masters, she would stand no chance

0:28:070:28:10

# With me and our Salome dance

0:28:100:28:12

# If I wore coloured beads

0:28:120:28:14

# And my big smile

0:28:140:28:16

# I think I'm great in everything

0:28:180:28:20

# I suppose you've never heard me sing

0:28:200:28:23

# Ma thinks I'd shine upon the opera stage...

0:28:230:28:27

# Caruso off his dot would go

0:28:280:28:31

# If he heard my top note... #

0:28:310:28:34

-What-ho!

-SHE LAUGHS

0:28:340:28:36

# And Tetrazzini would go mad with rage

0:28:360:28:41

# If the managers only thought the same as Mother

0:28:410:28:46

# It would fill poor Sarah Bernhardt with regrets

0:28:460:28:50

# Ellen Terry if she knew

0:28:500:28:52

# And Miss Lena Ashwell too

0:28:520:28:54

# They would jump the stage and join the suffragettes!

0:28:540:28:58

# If the managers only took a tip from Mother

0:28:580:29:02

# They would label me the only tragic star

0:29:020:29:07

# Devotees might be allowed just to walk on with the crowd

0:29:070:29:11

# If the managers only took a tip from Ma

0:29:110:29:16

# Beerbohm Tree might be allowed

0:29:160:29:19

# Just to walk on with the crowd

0:29:200:29:23

# If the managers only thought the same as Ma. #

0:29:240:29:29

APPLAUSE

0:29:290:29:32

# My mother's name

0:29:430:29:45

# Was Mary

0:29:450:29:49

# She was so good and true

0:29:490:29:52

# Because her name was Mary

0:29:540:29:59

# She called me Mary, too

0:30:010:30:06

# She wasn't gay or airy

0:30:080:30:14

# As plain as she could be

0:30:140:30:18

# I'd hate to meet her fairy

0:30:200:30:24

# Who calls herself Marie

0:30:260:30:33

# For it was Mary

0:30:330:30:37

# Mary

0:30:370:30:39

# Plain as any name can be

0:30:390:30:43

# But with propriety

0:30:440:30:46

# Society

0:30:460:30:48

# Will say...

0:30:480:30:51

# Marie

0:30:510:30:53

-GEMMA AND AUDIENCE:

-# For it was Mary

0:30:530:30:56

# Mary

0:30:560:30:58

# Long before the fashions came

0:30:580:31:03

# For there is something there

0:31:030:31:06

# That sounds so square

0:31:060:31:08

# It's a grand old name

0:31:080:31:12

# Her name was Mary

0:31:120:31:15

# Mary

0:31:150:31:18

# Plain as any name can be

0:31:180:31:22

# But with propriety

0:31:220:31:25

# Society

0:31:250:31:27

# Will say

0:31:270:31:29

# Marie

0:31:290:31:31

# But it was Mary

0:31:310:31:35

# Mary

0:31:350:31:37

# Long before the fashions came

0:31:370:31:41

# For there is something there

0:31:410:31:45

# That sounds so square

0:31:450:31:49

# It's a grand

0:31:490:31:53

# Old

0:31:530:31:55

# Name. #

0:31:550:31:57

APPLAUSE

0:31:570:32:01

Unequivocally...

0:32:130:32:15

unique operatic equipoise...

0:32:150:32:19

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:32:190:32:21

..contributing culture,

0:32:210:32:23

all the way from La Scala, Milan,

0:32:230:32:27

is Signor Gino Donati!

0:32:270:32:30

APPLAUSE AND MUSIC

0:32:300:32:33

# Vide 'o mare quant'e bello

0:32:480:32:52

# Spira tantu sentimento

0:32:520:32:56

# Comme tu a

0:32:560:32:59

# Chi tiene mente

0:32:590:33:02

# Ca scetato 'o faie sunna

0:33:020:33:05

# Ma nun me lassa

0:33:070:33:10

# Nun darme stu turmiento!

0:33:100:33:15

# Torna a surriento

0:33:150:33:21

# Famme

0:33:210:33:24

# Campa! #

0:33:240:33:29

APPLAUSE

0:33:290:33:31

Thank you, and now for classical lovers,

0:33:400:33:43

I will sing for you the famous aria from La Boheme

0:33:430:33:46

by Puccini, Che Gelida Manina.

0:33:460:33:49

Maestro, prego.

0:33:490:33:51

APPLAUSE

0:33:510:33:53

PIANO MUSIC STARTS

0:33:560:33:57

# Che gelida manina

0:33:570:34:02

# Se la lasci riscaldar

0:34:030:34:07

# Cercar che giova?

0:34:070:34:13

# Al buio non si trova

0:34:130:34:19

# Ma per fortuna

0:34:270:34:32

# E una notte di luna

0:34:320:34:35

# E qui la luna

0:34:350:34:39

# Labbiamo...

0:34:390:34:42

-# Vicina...

-BANGING

0:34:420:34:45

-# Aspetti, signorina... #

-LAUGHTER

0:34:450:34:49

INDISTINCT WHISPERING ON STAGE

0:34:490:34:51

Can't you see I am singing?

0:34:540:34:56

Excuse me, sir, but I have technical difficulties.

0:34:560:34:58

A broken cable and everything is frozen up.

0:34:580:35:01

-LAUGHTER

-Yes.

0:35:010:35:03

-I think it was an opera.

-Yes.

-Your story is not funny.

0:35:030:35:06

Don't forget there are millions of people watching us...

0:35:060:35:10

But where, where?

0:35:100:35:11

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

0:35:110:35:13

-Get out from here. Maestro, please...

-Oh, want a character.

0:35:130:35:17

-If you are a great tenor, I am an honest worker.

-I don't care, away.

0:35:170:35:21

And anyway, I sing, too.

0:35:210:35:23

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

0:35:230:35:24

-You sing, too?

-Yes, sir...

-You have a wonderful opportunity to be heard.

0:35:240:35:29

-You sing...

-Yes.

-HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

0:35:290:35:31

Ooh, my wife will be happy.

0:35:310:35:33

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

0:35:330:35:34

-Very good.

-APPLAUSE

0:35:340:35:36

He sing, too.

0:35:360:35:37

-Could you accompany me, please?

-You?

0:35:370:35:40

INDISTINCT SPEECH

0:35:400:35:41

-SCOTTISH ACCENT

-You?

0:35:410:35:42

I'm not playing for you, Jimmy.

0:35:420:35:44

LAUGHTER

0:35:440:35:46

I'm only playing for you, Jimmy.

0:35:460:35:48

What happen now?

0:35:480:35:50

What's happening now?

0:35:500:35:51

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:510:35:54

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:35:540:35:57

-Better!

-No, no, please, no...

-I will accompany you at the piano myself.

0:35:570:36:00

-I am a sport, you permit it, so...

-You play the piano, OK?

0:36:000:36:04

I'll do my best. Don't worry.

0:36:040:36:06

HE SINGS WEAKLY

0:36:070:36:10

LAUGHTER

0:36:100:36:12

HE SINGS WEAKLY

0:36:120:36:14

Che miseria.

0:36:140:36:15

LAUGHTER

0:36:150:36:18

HE SINGS IN FALSETTO

0:36:180:36:19

-The audience is crying.

-That is not feeling?

-That is feeling the...

0:36:190:36:23

Yes, I singing, I have had enough!

0:36:230:36:24

WHOOPING AND LAUGHTER

0:36:240:36:26

Intellectual man, intellectual man. Sexy leg.

0:36:260:36:29

Bella gamba!

0:36:290:36:31

En Francais, une personne cuis de gradue.

0:36:310:36:33

In Italiano, prosciutto di parma.

0:36:330:36:36

In English, frog legs.

0:36:360:36:38

LAUGHTER

0:36:380:36:40

Try to do the same!

0:36:400:36:42

APPLAUSE

0:36:420:36:43

And why not? Why not?

0:36:450:36:47

You don't do that.

0:36:470:36:49

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:36:490:36:53

Every tenor can do that today...

0:36:570:37:00

HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

0:37:000:37:02

LAUGHTER

0:37:020:37:03

-You are the first that I have seen.

-Thank you.

0:37:030:37:05

-I have a wonderful idea.

-Another one?

0:37:050:37:07

Yes, you lie down on the floor and I do the rest.

0:37:070:37:10

LAUGHTER

0:37:110:37:13

I think you made a mistake in coming here.

0:37:130:37:14

This is a smart room, not a joint.

0:37:140:37:16

Don't worry, this is the very last thing...

0:37:160:37:18

-The very last thing, after we go back to the...

-After, I go.

0:37:180:37:21

-Whatever...

-Keep your hands back...

0:37:210:37:22

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER IN ITALIAN

0:37:220:37:24

Keep your hand...

0:37:240:37:26

-The head, please.

-LAUGHTER

0:37:260:37:28

-Push the left.

-Never.

-Push the right.

-The right, yes.

0:37:300:37:32

LAUGHTER

0:37:320:37:33

LAUGHTER

0:37:350:37:37

-Ah!

-GINO STRAINS

0:37:400:37:41

APPLAUSE

0:37:410:37:45

HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

0:37:460:37:48

GINO STRAINS

0:37:510:37:52

LAUGHTER

0:37:520:37:55

-Left one or the right one.

-I don't fool around with it either.

0:38:000:38:04

-Ooh!

-WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:070:38:09

Oh, no, no...

0:38:110:38:12

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:38:120:38:14

-APPLAUSE

-Merci.

0:38:140:38:16

Come on.

0:38:160:38:17

LAUGHTER

0:38:260:38:27

He doesn't.

0:38:270:38:29

PIANO MUSIC STARTS

0:38:340:38:36

Mummy...

0:38:380:38:39

GENTLE LAUGHTER

0:38:440:38:45

LAUGHTER

0:39:010:39:03

Prego, silenzio.

0:39:080:39:10

-Watch it!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:39:120:39:15

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:39:150:39:18

MUSIC RESUMES

0:39:280:39:30

# Partirono le rondini dal mio paese freddo

0:39:420:39:49

# E senza sole

0:39:490:39:52

# Cercando primavere di viole

0:39:520:39:57

# Nidi d'amore e di felicita

0:39:590:40:07

# La mia piccola rondine parti

0:40:070:40:13

# Senza lasciarmi un bacio

0:40:130:40:17

# Senza un addio parti

0:40:170:40:23

# Non ti scordar di me

0:40:250:40:32

# La vita mia legata a te

0:40:320:40:39

# Lo t'amo sempre piu

0:40:390:40:46

# Nel sogno mio rimani tu

0:40:460:40:51

# Non ti scordar di me

0:40:530:40:59

# La vita mia legata a te

0:40:590:41:02

APPLAUSE

0:41:020:41:07

# C'e sempre un nido

0:41:070:41:13

# Nel mio cor per te

0:41:130:41:18

# Non ti scordar di me. #

0:41:180:41:26

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:41:260:41:32

The apogee, the apotheosis...

0:41:450:41:48

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:41:480:41:50

..of panegyric patriotism.

0:41:500:41:52

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:41:520:41:53

Mr John Inman and the multipotent Players' Theatre.

0:41:530:41:58

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:41:580:42:01

# It's all right, it's all right now

0:42:050:42:08

# There's no need to worry any more

0:42:080:42:11

# I saw the army wasn't strong

0:42:110:42:14

# Everything was wrong until the day I came along

0:42:140:42:18

# Then the band played and they all hoorayed

0:42:180:42:21

# The guns fired a salvo of delight

0:42:210:42:25

# I joined the army yesterday

0:42:250:42:28

# So the army of today's all right. #

0:42:280:42:31

# There's something about a soldier

0:42:380:42:40

# There's something about a soldier

0:42:400:42:42

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine

0:42:420:42:45

# He may be a Major General

0:42:450:42:47

# He may be a Sergeant Major

0:42:470:42:48

# He may be simple private of the line, line, line

0:42:480:42:52

# But there's something about his bearing

0:42:520:42:53

# There's something about his bearing

0:42:530:42:55

# There's something about his buttons all a shine, shine, shine

0:42:550:42:58

# Oh, a military chest seems to suit the ladies best

0:42:580:43:02

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine. #

0:43:020:43:06

# When the man o' war or merchant ship comes sailing into port

0:43:430:43:46

# The jolly tar with joy will sing out land ahoy!

0:43:460:43:50

# With his pockets full of money and a parrot in a cage

0:43:500:43:53

# He smiles at all the pretty girls upon the landing stage

0:43:530:43:57

# All the nice girls love a sailor

0:43:570:44:00

# All the nice girls love a tar

0:44:000:44:03

# For there's something about a sailor

0:44:030:44:07

# Well, you know what sailors are

0:44:070:44:11

# Bright and breezy, free and easy

0:44:110:44:14

# He's the ladies' pride and joy

0:44:140:44:17

# He falls in love with Kate and Jane

0:44:170:44:19

-# Then he's off to sea again

-Ship ahoy, ship ahoy

0:44:190:44:25

# All the nice girls love a sailor

0:44:250:44:28

# All the nice girls love a tar

0:44:280:44:32

# For there's something about a sailor

0:44:320:44:35

# Well, you know what sailors are

0:44:350:44:38

# Bright and breezy, free and easy

0:44:380:44:42

# He's the ladies' pride and joy

0:44:420:44:45

# He falls in love with Kate and Jane

0:44:450:44:48

# Then he's off to sea again Ship ahoy, ship ahoy. #

0:44:480:44:53

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:45:050:45:07

ORCHESTRA PLAY RULE, BRITANNIA

0:45:070:45:11

# Sons of the sea all British-born

0:45:180:45:24

# Sailing every ocean

0:45:240:45:28

# Laughing foes to scorn

0:45:280:45:31

# They may build their ships, my lads

0:45:310:45:34

# And think they know the game

0:45:340:45:37

# But they can't build the boys of the bulldog breed

0:45:370:45:41

# Who made old England's name

0:45:410:45:45

# Sons of the sea

0:45:450:45:48

# Bobbing up and down like this

0:45:480:45:52

# Sailing every ocean

0:45:520:45:55

# Bobbing up and down like this

0:45:550:45:59

# They may build their ships, my lads

0:45:590:46:02

# Bobbing up and down like this

0:46:020:46:05

# But they can't build the boys of the bulldog breed

0:46:050:46:09

# Bobbing up and down like this. #

0:46:090:46:12

# It's a long way to Tipperary

0:46:490:46:52

# It's a long way to go

0:46:520:46:56

# It's a long way to Tipperary

0:46:560:46:59

# To the sweetest girl I know

0:46:590:47:03

# Goodbye, Piccadilly

0:47:030:47:07

# Farewell, Leicester Square

0:47:070:47:10

# It's a long, long way to Tipperary

0:47:100:47:13

# But my heart's right there. #

0:47:130:47:16

# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile

0:47:170:47:24

# While you've a lucifer to light your fag

0:47:240:47:27

# Smile, boys, that's the style

0:47:270:47:31

# What's the use of worrying?

0:47:310:47:34

# It never was worthwhile

0:47:340:47:37

# So pack up your troubles in your old kit bag

0:47:370:47:41

# And smile, smile, smile. #

0:47:410:47:44

# Rule, Britannia

0:47:460:47:48

# Britannia, rule the waves

0:47:480:47:53

# Britain never, never, never shall be slaves. #

0:47:530:48:01

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:48:050:48:09

There's just time to ask Mr John Inman

0:48:180:48:20

to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

0:48:200:48:23

down at The Old Bull And Bush.

0:48:230:48:24

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Inman, the entire company,

0:48:240:48:27

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

0:48:270:48:30

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:48:300:48:33

..but chiefly...

0:48:330:48:35

-ALL:

-Yourselves!

0:48:350:48:38

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:48:410:48:44

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:48:440:48:49

# Come, come drink some port wine with me

0:48:490:48:52

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:48:520:48:56

# Hear the little German band umpapapa umpapapa

0:48:560:48:59

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:48:590:49:03

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

0:49:030:49:07

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:49:070:49:10

# Bush-Bush! #

0:49:100:49:13

Leonard Sachs chairs the old-time music hall programme, first broadcast on 2 January 1980. Featuring John Inman, Gemma Craven, David Kernan, Bernard Spear, Gino Donati and Michel Arene and the Lido Can Can Dancers.


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