Christmas Special The Graham Norton Show

Oh, I'm here in the North Pole, just getting all of Santa's

reindeers ready. Wait a minute, they are stampeding away. Where are

they running off to? APPLAUSE

Hello everybody. Oh. Merry Christmas everybody.

Everyone feeling in a Christmassy mood, are you, are you?

Yes, hope you are all celebrating, and hey, even if you are working

over Christmas, have a few drinks. What could possibly go wrong?

Children watching, ahhh. It's nearly Christmas, nearly

Christmas. I wonder if Santa and Rudolf will be coming to my house?

I know just where to hang my stocking. A packed show for you

tonight. Full of surprises. Doctor Who himself, Matt Smith is here.

APPLAUSE The very gorgeous Gillian Anderson

is here APPLAUSE

Essex's finest comedian, Russell Kane is here.

APPLAUSE From Dragon's Den, the

extraordinary Hilary Devey is here. APPLAUSE

Plus, an extra Christmas treat for you, winners of Strictly and I'm a

celebrity, McFly's Point point and Harry Judd will be stopping by.

- Dougie Poynter and Harry Judd will be stopping by.

Really the only reality show that McFly didn't win this year was the

X Factor, won by Little Mix. There they are with Tulisa, with a number

one single under their belt, already more successful than she

is! Amazing time of the year for Little Mix, obviously a bit of a

nightmare for Superdrug, now four cashier's short for Christmas!

So pleased to welcome back Anderson to the show. She will be on our

Koreans in an adaptation of Great Expectations, Gillian plays Miss

Haversham, there she is, a rich elderly spinster, clutching flowers

from an admirer, I think it is based on this person, Susan loved

those flowers. She thought they were delicious!

Looking forward to seeing Matt Smith.

'S about to appear in the Christmas Special of Doctor Who. Over the

years the Dr Has fought many enemies. Here he is with one of

them. Now you see, it is nice to see him with a Cyberman, they don't

normally get on. They are getting friendly. I do

think that Matt made a mistake when he invited him back for a few

Christmas drinks. You just hope he used WD40!

Let's get some guests on. Later we will have music from the soon to be

Christmas number one, fingers crossed, Military Wives Choir, and

Hilary Devey and those McFly boys, Harry and Dougie, first of all it

is comedian Russell Kane. Merry Christmas. Great expectations

for this guest, the fabulous Gillian Anderson. You look amazing.

Merry Christmas. Nice to see you. Sit yourself down. And it's Matt

Smith. Welcome all.

Now, is everyone ready for Christmas? Yes. Hello.

Where's the egg nog Graham. What is egg nog?

You will know? Nutmeg, milk, egg and nog. And nog. Growing up Matt

as a kid, what was the best toy you ever got growing up? Crikey, I got

a Mega Drive, which I loved. I just loved wearing pyjamas all day, I

would get them in the morning and put them on. They were quite soft,

I would enjoy them for a few hours. You were born to play Doctor Who! I

put on my pyjamas and wear them all day! Gillian, you have little kids?

I do. Christmas is a big deal? is a very big deal. Are you doing a

traditional Christmas? I always generally do a traditional

Christmas. I'm the host of the family of all of us. It comes to me.

But I'm not really someone who makes mince pies, I don't know what

I do. People come. Why do they keep coming back? I have often asked

myself the very same question. you have happy memories, Christmas

memories, look at you in your Christmas jumper? I was a happy,

resilient child, rocking back and forth, telling the lies. Do you

look like you did then? A slim child, my dad was massive, curly-

haired, working-class, he has a triple ripple, for him, Christmas,

as for all working-class dads, is rembering about how horrible it was

for him. He always wanted to talk about how miserable he was at my

aifpblgt that is the curse of the working-class father, to work

really hard to provide stuff, and then spend the whole of Christmas

removing the happiness from the thing provided. My happiest moment,

not the opening of the presents or seeing them, I call it the spoilt

bastard audit, when you get everything upstairs, and you are

looking at the haul on your own, you lock the bedroom door and you

think, all this is mine. With my junior calculator from Argos, I

tried to add up the approximate value of my haul! But now, now, as

a family, one of the real traditional things is we all sit

down and watch the Doctor Who Christmas day special, that has

revinted Christmas tele for us. You are back -- reinvented Christmas

tele for us, do the Smith family sit down and watch it? We do. My

mum, dad, granddad comes down, my sister gets bored and looks on her

computer a lot. She kind of likes Doctor Who, she pretends not to.

She ignores it a bit. Is it not a bit embarrassing, Christmas about

family, and then suddenly, now it is about me! My mum's quite gushy,

she's quite proud in that way. family like it and enjoy it? They

love it. Is that the same sister who used to style you? I mean

that's a very bold word, style me, but she had an influence over my

early entrance into fashion. What would she put you in? Don't

ask, pink lycra, not lycra, that's the wrong word, plastic trousers.

Trousers?? Little tops and beads here, we would pretend to get into

a local nightclub, called Chicago's, and had lots of old hagered women

in it. We were from the boy -- we would convince them we were in the

boyband Blue, we would dress up as from a boyband and she would

orchestrate that. You would be a member of the boyband? Yeah.

special this Christmas, it sounds lovely, it sounds like such a sweet

story, give us a taste of it? called Edwards, you can guess the

conotation -- The Doctor, The Widow And The Wardrobe, you can guess the

conotation. We are there and we have lost the main character, we

are in war. It is the Second World War? Thank you. Doctor Who? Doctor

Who find as big old house and thinks he will make their Christmas

better. He gives them this wonderful present, they crawl

through and enter a Brave New World and many dangers that lay beyond.

And good monsters as usual? Great monsters as usual, and great gags

from Steven. Do you cry? There may be a tee, my mum cried at the

screening. Reading about it I welled up. This is you with the

kids. This room, I'm going to be honest, masterpiece, the ultimate

bedroom, a sciencey winesy bedroom a mirror disguised as a window,

selection of tortures for midnight feasts and secret reading, a

covered zone of tranquility, rubber ball, dream tank, exact model of

the rest of the house, not quite to scale, dolls, with comical

expression, the Magna Carta, fussball, a yellow fort. Where are

the beds? I couldn't fit everything in, there had to be sacrifices. Who

needs beds when you have got hammocks! I know.

APPLAUSE It was fun.

Are you still, you have a real reputation for clumsy is the wrong

word, is it the right word? It is a sort of inherent disease in me.

Clumsiness, it is bad. But it can break things? I break everything.

Why is that, how is it? I don't know, I used to play football,

people would say how can you play football the way you do. At my best

friend's house, I had plastic breaker, he's called Alex Skal bond,

and I had a plas -- Alex Bond, and I had a plastic breaker, and

everyone else was using glasses. Special breaker for Matt.

scarred me. I would get this orange breaker, you can't even fit that

much fluid in a child's breaker. Did it have a lid? No. I'm clumsy

too. Very clumsy. You are clumsy on stage, was it on stage? I was at

the premier of How To Lose Friend & Alienate People, I was eight-and-a-

half months pregnant at Leicester Square Odean. Walking down the red

carpet when the director called my name and introducing the actors to

the stage, I plonked down to the stage, and as I was walking he was

making jokes about me, just making fun, he was being a funny man. When

I got to the stage, for some God for sakeen reason, I decided - fod

foresaken reason I pulled a fake punch on him, and it looked like I

hit him, I stood back and there was a row of lights behind us, I went

head over heels, eight-and-a-half months pregnant, feet up in the air.

Leicester Square Odean. And lit from beneath! I was pretty sure I

was wearing knickers, the entire audience gasped. It must have been

an amazing noise. I don't think they recovered for the rest of the

evening. Were you all right? thought I would play another prank

by sending a text the next day announcing the birth of my child,

as if the event caused the birth of the baby. I didn't know that when

he got the text he was on the radio doing interviews all day and

announced the birth of my child. The whole thing completely

backfired from beginning to end. He had to call the radio station assay

that was a lie. -- radio stations and say, that was

a lie. Nobody wants to be single at Christmas, I have never used

mistletoe on the show, we thought we would, because we have never

done it before. God knows we have been on a long time. See this boom,

if I put it on that, then I can reach parts of the studio audience

I wouldn't normally be able to reach.

So, if I put it on there, so, if I go to, I will try to find a couple.

Who do I think is a couple. Let's try you two here! Body language is

telling me they are not a couple! Are you two a couple? We are

married. Lovely. Christmas kiss? You must be a couple, are you two a

couple? No. You are not going out with that lady there? No I'm not.

You would like to though, wouldn't you? Do you know each other?

You really don't, you look so good together. Are you with somebody

else? That's awkward! Is your partner over here. Are you

together? Is this a Christmas work do! Is

this a date, is this a terrible cheap date? It's a date. You could

say it is date, yeah. That is lovely.

Why don't we take the mystery out of the end of the evening. Oh, oh,

There you go. Moving on. Because Doctor Who, it's

huge in America now. It is growing, quite excitingly. Yeah, there was

this thing with the iTunes which has been really positive, it is the

most downloaded show in America, it beat Glee, and Mad Men. Really? You

are. You are like Whoa. Really, that show! I grew up here and then

moved to the states, and nobody has heard of Doctor Who, I used to

watch Doctor Who when I was growing up here with The Magic Roundabout.

You sound so English. Are you English? No. Are you American?

American. You spend an awful lot of time here. I grew up here when I

was 11. We used to come back every summer, because my parents had a

flat in Haringey. You came back for that! Wow!

I know. Were you telling your friends in the states, we're going

back to our place in Haringey! We summer in Haringey! Yeah, we summer

in Haringey. Science fiction in America, science fiction fans are

so passionate. They have these big conventions, you have been to Comic

Con, is it just for the fans? launch and promote. You must have

been countless times. I have been once. Only once? I went to it a

couple of years ago with my co-star David Duchovny and the producer, we

were sitting at the table, and people walk up, as you may know, to

the microphone and ask questions. So -- So this person, we think,

walked up to the microphone in a green outfit and a hat made of felt,

and slightly elf like, and started talking about the fact that he

couldn't believe that he got to wear the outfit, and talk to us at

the same time! (tearfully) That's adorable? I think it was, from a

come on, who knows, a gamers thing, is there an elf in the game. When

was there an elf in the X-Files. was the fact that he was able to

play his favourite gaming character at the same time talk to us.

must have come home. Crying orgasam. A geekgasm. Is that what they call

it? I'm having a geeky moment that I can't believe it's happening!

Didn't you and Karen Gillan bump into yourselves? Yes, kauking down

the street, there were carbon copies in the whole thing. Do they

look like you? No, they looked really ugly. I was doing myself a

lot of favours, not to suggest that I am. They were dressed up to the

nines. You took pictures on your phone? We met a group of, would you

believe this, this is, shall I hold it up to the camera, we met every

single Doctor, there is Tennant, Eccleston. Where is the guy with

the urlly hair from the 1970s -- curly hair from the 1970s? Also,

who is that? They just come there to celebrate Doctor Who? Yes, and

we met them, and we were like can we have a photo. That's the vain of

it, I love it. He's going again, not like you, you were in there,

crying elf, home. Not doing that again! Karen Gillan,

the news now that she's leaving? Yes. How did you find out? I have

known for a while, we have known for months. It was by mutual

consent. Those stories just come to a point where, you know, it reaches

its conclusion, and the very essence of the show is it

constantly reinvents itself. started at the same time, it must

make you slightly think, she's going, eh, why am I still here?

happy to stay, I love making the show. I miss Karen, she's a good

mate, one of my best friends. a great girl? Mad as a box of cats,

but she's a firecracker, she really is. You are a genuine geek, really,

aren't you? Growing up you loved all of this stuff? A large part of

my adult life was hanging around with teenage boys in my bedroom

watching doneions and dragons, that was my dad's one fear that trumped

racism was his homophobia. There was loads of boys rung up to my

bedroom playing dungions and dragons and my dad going, I know

they are up there buming it, I know it. Did you sometimes? Dung I don't

know or the dragon! Dungeon or the dragon?!

Other big Christmas tele treat sue, young lady, Great Expectations. It

is lovely to get the call, we would like you to be in the BBC's Great

Expectations, you must have thought, really, when they said you were

playing s had half-caf soya macchiato. She's quite cold -- Miss

Haversham, she's quite old. From my understanding she raes around 50.

This is when -- She's around 50. This is when Pip first meets you.

Are you feet not cold, miss? All of Look closer if you wish.

My brother's collection, he went to the furthest reaches of the earth

in his quest for the purest specimen of beauty. And when he

found it, he stuck a pin through its heart.

It looks fabulous. Have you seen the whole thing yet?

I haven't, I have only seen the first episode. You can't watch it

over Christmas, you are away? have tapes. Excellent, will your

kids be able to enjoy it? They won't be watching it. Do your

kids get what mummy does? They have no idea. Have they ever seen you?

Well, we went to see Cars 2, once, they are five and three, and when

we were standing in line for popcorn, it was at the same time

that Johnny English Reborn was in the theatres, I was handed a box of

popcorn that me as the character on the front of it. My little boy said,

the five-year-old said, mum, it's you, and I said, shush, he grabbed

it and started turning it around. I said what are you doing? He said

"Where's daddy?". That's very sweet. Like it's family

popcorn! That's the extent of it. As a young child you played

football, to a really high level, you could have been a professional?

I was pretty decent. Me too. you really? Who for? I'm joking.

Thank God, I thought I was going to be the only one.

Do you like football? I do. Do you watch it? I watch it when it is the

thing that happens every four years. The World Cup!

Even I, even I watch that. Ha ha.

Not the Olympics, the other one. I like a kick around. I have a ball,

can you impress us with football skills. You have a sore back at the

moment. Ahhhh. It's true. Can you do keepy uppies. How many

can we do, 1! Look away? This is going well. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8.

It's been a while. Can you play football? Not at all. That is why I

was asking you to. Throw it, and I will try to catch it on the neck.

Do you see who you are asking to throw a ball. If we get this.

arm! Ready. Yeah. Oh! Well done Matt Smith! Frankly, I'm

more impressed that I threw it than you caught it! That is the more

impressive bit of that trick. done. Now, Russell Kane, you have

had an amazing year. Not an actual skill, but I have had a good year.

You have had a tour on the road with your tour, scape scape, you

pick apart your personal life -- Manscaping, you pick pairt your

personal life. It is all about how you became single. I had a tricky

year, I started the year with a woman, WTF, random, I know.

I started the year with a beautiful woman, you think it is the one, it

goes pearshaped, you find yourself not in a position you expect to be.

For the first time I wasn't sure what to do. What I realised the

show is actually about constantly thinking you are grown up when you

are not. You get to 18 and think remember what a kid I was at 16,

then at 25 you think you know nothing, why don't people tell you

at 25 you are an adult, and then you get to 30, I think it carries

on. Your last thought is in a nursing home in your 80s and it is

like, I get it! (choke) the show is called Manscaping, it is all about

becoming and becoming. I didn't deal very well with being single,

there was no male support group. I had a kitchen floor reset, you

think you have grown up and you have left home, you never let your

mum see you will cry, and then you end up back on the kitchen floor

with your mum, crying, you have lost everything. Everyone watching

it has slid down the fridge. The only difference between people

is how many square ones we go back to. A lot of it is there is not

really a male support network when you are a single guy. It is a

massive stereotype, my experience is girls are better at rallying

around if another girl close it is and has a kitchen floor reset and

she turns up at the door. It is more the kind of, doesn't matter,

we will go out, have a dance, have a drink, if there is men there

great, it is not that b that night tonight. Let me get dressed as an

elf! Where as, I'm not making this up, the total advice off my friend

Scott from harm lo. I turned up and went to kitchen floor -- Harlow. I

turned up and went to kitchen floor reset in his house, straight blokes

don't know how to handle T he looked and me with a crying bloke

using the language of someone seriously in trouble. Scott stood

there for main. This is the total advice, I'm cleaning it up a bit.

Scott went into the kitchen and made a cup of tea, slammed it down,

he said, you know what you need to do, bang something, and walked off.

Nothing else was offered. Nothing. You have now met a lady. I told

myself I was going to be single, I have this thing called, I was

talking about it on stage, serial monogamy. Sometimes you need to be

single for a couple of years to find out who you are. That is what

the emotionally strong people in the room that make you want to

vomit do. They had a couple of years on their own, found a hobby

and found themselves. The weak of us just latch on to people, let's

move in eventhough we are not suited. That's me. I thought I'm a

comedian and I will show the world what's what. I lasted two months. I

met this girl in the weirdist way. It is a weird story? When I got

asked to do an ironicors sow of the week in Heat, I know I'm built like

Harry Potter under here, I thought get your top off. When Cosmo saw

that, they said how do you feel about getting fully nude in the

centre fold. I thought -- centrefold, I thought bungee jump

here. It had to be comedy. They said I could choose. I thought I

would get pervy value. I want to be sat back in foil with a hot model

draped across my lap. What do you mean like foil? Laying in tin foil,

like an undersized turkey and have a girl and be feeding her grapes

from my fist and doing a prop Zoolander down the lens. And

Charlotte and I really hit it off. This is you meeting your new

girlfriend? Yeah. I think once you... It take that is

tension out of the first date, doesn't it! It really does. Very

quickly you have a stocking filler this year. Or main gift, depending

on your budget! I mean a really special lovely, wow this is all I

ever wanted. Russell Kane Smokescreens & Castles the DVD.

That's how duff my year has been. That was me in March. When you hit

the rocks emotionally that is how I have ended up looking like the

mangled triplet of Jedward from. That point to here my life has

completely changed. That is the DVD from the show that finished in

August. It is amazing how much things happen in your life you can

change in a year. I have the woman approach, change your hair, change

your look, get over and move on. I know, I'm a mess, help me dear.

believe we need to thank you and release you back into the wild.

Because you must go make your Christmas plans. Thank you very

much for joining us. It has been a pleasure. We look forward to seeing

Great Expectations, it starts on Tuesday the 27th and runs for three

nights. That's right. Excellent, I will be watching. Thank you so much,

Gillian Anderson everybody? Right, very excited because every

year reality television creates new heros and stars. Ladies and

gentlemen they are here. The king of the jungle and The Lord Of The

Dance, please welcome Dougie and Sit there, otherwise it will be

confusing. Congratulations to both of you. Very good. Especially you,

fresh from. What? You won that thing ages ago! So, listen, what

the hell did happen at the final. You win, and then Dougie and the

others, they all came on stage. They stormed the stage. We have the

little clip of Bruce. You were crowned. Here you are being crowned.

In come the boys. Lovely. Watch Bruce in the bottom

Get off, get off. Did he know who you were?

honestly don't think he knew. I swear. He was like whacking them

with his card. And then my dad just strolled on casually, and

thankfully I went, dad, Bruce heard, that's your dad I won't whack him.

We were all excited, it was a good moment and nice to share it with

the guys, it is all mine. It was nice they were there to support?

course, we are best mates. Now, we see stories, and I'm not sure, are

you engaged or not? No. Even my girlfriend said to me, are we

engaged this morning. She's like, did I miss something. I was asked

about it and I said you know we talk about our further tue, I want

to keep it spontaneous and romantic which it won't be. The next day it

said we were engaged, congratulations me, apparently.

are the same, in the jungle you kept talking about your girlfriend

and spending your life together? doesn't have one. He does. I'm not

engaged either. If I was your girlfriend or their families I

would be annoyed now? girlfriend's mum rang and said was

she engaged. It is on the front of OK! Magazine? No, but it says in

the middle, they are spending their first Christmas together, that is

their engagment. As if you are engaged on the phone, or a prior

engagment. It was a bit sneaky really. That's ridiculous. So, the

mother is annoyed? Not too annoyed. No, no, no. It was a bit odd.

are your "non-" inlaws for your non-fiance? I have never met them.

You are definitely not engaged. It may never happen. Alesha was on the

show and was talking about the chemistry between the dancers. For

it to work there has to be a kind of chemistry, how hard was it for

your girlfriend to watch the dances? She really enjoyed it. She

loves dancing. No she did. Look, it probably looks quite hard for her

at times, she wanted me to do well. That chemistry is vital in dancing.

She encouraged it if anything. She was very supportive. Yep! That's

what he's saying. She watched that, and she thought, that's lovely!

He's doing so well. So relaxed.

That's lovely, if she was relaxed about that, you should marry her!

McFly back on the road next year? In March and April. Is it going to

be weird now, has the dynamic of the group changed, because of what

you two guys have done? We are loving it a little bit, Danny and

Tom have always been the front men, it is going to be strange. But,

McFly is always our commitment isn't it. Are the drums going to be

out front now? I have requested that. Tom in the back going, # It's

all about you Weird. But good for them, they need

to learn! By the way, did you know you could

dance? I did the Children in Need special, which I had four days

training for, and it was the pasa doble, I wasn't allowed to do that

in the show, that is different from the other ones. That is the only

experience I had, I had no idea whether I would be any good.

can't imagine doing either, this one takes so long, that one is

quicker but you have to do worse things. I loved it. Apart from the

eating the penis, everything else. You liked eating anus then. Anus

was already. Was it an ostrich anus? It was, it was like the

rubbish bit of a turkey, the penis was the worst. The rubbish bit of a

turkey. What about the spiders, I'm petrified of the spiders, I

couldn't cope. Apart from the ones you get in camp that are the

world's most deadliest ones, they suck, they are not cool. They are

like, don't worry, if something happens. You have 20 minutes to

live. Television, that's not showbiz is it. He has 20 minutes to

live! It is when you're a comedian! It is traditional on the show, we

always do it, there is a site Awkward Family Photos, this year,

where we have changed it up a bit, it is Awkward Family Photos

featuring pets. Some of these are so wrong. The

first one is the classic of the genre. Just that one there. That is

an awkward family photo. With a pet. What is going on in that dog's head.

She's going to get one of us. What is that relationship. The next one

is a nice seasonal one, lovely, nothing says Christmas like Mary

and Joseph and the baby dog! Look in that eye, it is just like I

hope they are not doing this again at Easter! What's the next one.

I'm confident he's an American. I love this end of the dog, I love

the other end of the dog, I love all my dogs (in an American accent)

. This one is brilliant, you look at it and you see the family with

the dog, and you think what's awkward about that family photo,

and then you scroll up! The dog is so embarrassed, no I'm not coming

down. This one is so wrong on so And you know, one of them is their

favourite! Well done all those people.

Time to meet another star of 2011, a woman who the nation absolutely

fell in love with this year, she dispensed her hard earned wisdom

and cash on Dragon's Den, everyone's favourite dragon it is

Hilary Devey. You look gorgeous. Thank you.

Dougie, Matt, and Russell down the end. Hello. Royal company. The king

of the jungle and king of Strictly. You're rich, like really, really

rich, aren't you? You are even richer than I thought you were?

Shush. You're not on Dragon's Den, the

secret's out. Week one, people were like we love her. Thank you. It was

instant, I would say you're probably the most popular dragon

now? Please don't say, that they will never speak to me again.

you like the other Dragons? They must know everyone loves you?

love them. Really? In a kind of patronising way? No. Because you

are the star of that show, you own it now. Hilary Devey's Dragon's Den,

featuring... The first day on Dragon's Den, you know, leading up

to it, I thought, piece of cake, no problem, on the day to the studios,

I was physically sick. I thought my God, what have I done. Were you

nervous, of course. Food poisoning. We're not sure. I just thought what

on earth am I doing, what have I done. I got to the studios, I went

to a lot of schools, I had a very onadmic childhood, you are all

supposed to say ahhh. Awww. And it was literally like the first

day at school. What is weird is, that when you originally, when you

went and did your own version of Dragon's Den and looking for an

investment for your pallet business, you failed, they were out. They

didn't give you investment, did they? Absolutely not. But to be

honest, I would hate to be standing in front of the dragons, trying to

explain my concept to them. Because I think I would lose it myself. So

I do empathise with the entrepeneurs that come up the

stairs. I won't go into too much of an autobiograical interview, your

Hilary Devey story is on BBC Two on December 29th. It is. It is an

amazing story. It is worth hearing. Have you seen it? No, but I read

all the stuff. I was going to say, I have not. You lived it, it is

your story? Put the hours in. I don't think they have changed it! I

wonder, because lots of people have a work ethic like you do, lots of

people are driven, they are ambitious, lots of people have an

idea, what do you think is the difference between you making it

and all those people who have the work ethic, the drive and ambition

and everything? I think it is self- sacrifice, are you prepared to

sacrifice your life and put your life on hold. I mean, literally, I

would have my mother saying to me, have you read this in the newspaper,

have you seen this on the news, and I would think television, when was

the last time I saw a square box, and it was a pallet, she said you

don't understand what is going on in the world. You sold everything,

your house, your car? I put every penny I had into making that

business work. Did you have a Plan B? No. If pallets had not worked

out? No. Because failure was not an option. No matter how bad them days

got, no matter how long they got, no matter how many thousands of

miles I drove, I would dust myself off and get up the next day and

think, tomorrow will be different. Can I ask, what is a pallet!

APPLAUSE The thing you put your teeth in?

That is the poshest question I have ever heard. A pallet is a wooden

base that is usually sized four foot by four foot, it has holes on

each side so a fork truck, with forks can get underneath it, pick

it up, lift it on to a lorry, take it off a lorry put it on to a

warehouse floor, or put it into a shop store room, ready for them to

strip it down to put it on to racks in the shop. And you invented the

pallet? That is worse than Dragon's Den.

Watch the show. Listen, we must talk about fashion, fashion,

fashion. You love clothes? I do. Adore them, fashion is my facial.

Tonight I would say you have a high shoulder, not a shoulder pad, are

you trying to steer yourself away from shoulder pads? Absolutely not.

I requested that the BBC invest in bigger doors for the next season of

Dragon's Den. Was that you or was that Dragon's Den? That was me, you

don't think the BBC would design that for me, do you.

Wasn't there a story that you just wore it once but you had to keep

wearing it? I didn't realise that the outfit that I wore on the first

day was the outfit I had to wear for the whole series. Because they

cut it up and edit it? continuity you couldn't even change

your nail polish. Could you shower! I did shower! Talking about fashion

and clothes, I tell you who isn't keen on clothes, the McIfy boys.

You take -- McFly boys, you take your clothes off all the time. That

is the most recent one. You just did this one. Isn't it amazing to

think, under that suit is that! Was this to get votes? No! In all

honesty while I was doing Strictly I was asked to be on the cover, and

I said yes. If I looked like that I would present the show in my pants.

I know the question I wanted to ask, do they pay you to do Dragon's Den?

It is a weird concept, you sit there with a big pile of money that

is obviously your money? But if you are being paid to do it? You could

just take the money and not invest in anything. But this is a neutral

thing, if did I the jungle one, every day I would come back and go,

no stars! What could they do. Duncan doesn't invest in anything,

whatever he says, every time he says, "for that reason I'm out",

someone could come on, and he would go "let me give it right, it is a

life-giving elixir and 100% profit all the time, for that reason I'm

out". Is Deborah a bit funny because you are there now? No she's

lovely, a very nice lady. OK! always does really hard maths,

obsessed with the figures. Someone gets to the end of the pitch and

she says, she has a question and it is to do with the figures, what

number is she thinking of! Get out! Shortly I'm so thrilled, we will

have a special performance from Gareth Malone and the Military

Wives Choir, fingers crossed they are number one on Christmas day.

I'm sure they will. I love that show and the song. Before we meet

them, let's have our final red chair stories of 2011. Very high

stake, I'm looking for the story of the year. Who is up first?

What's your name? Aliza. Hi. Where are you from? I'm from the

states, from Ohio. Ohio you say, do you live here or are you here for

Christmas? I have been studying in London for the term. What are you

studying? English literature. Excellent, well done you, did you

pass an exam or anything? I turned in all my papers today. Hopefully.

Whatever! Off you go with your story? Actually this will work for

Matt, I'm a huge Doctor Who fan. Hello. Last year I got really into

the show, and I wanted to watch last year's Christmas Special, so I

asked a friend of mine if it aired on Christmas day or Christmas Eve,

she said Christmas day, I asked when is that, is that the 26th.

would you be that stupid twice, stupid enough to do it twice, why

repeat the story. Who is next? Hell lo. How are you? Very well thank

you. How are you? I'm OK. Struggling on. Thanks for asking.

What's your name? Melissa. I live in London. I was on a really busy

tube, it was really packed, I was standing up, and there was a guy

sitting down in front of me. I happened to be standing directly in

front of him. He was staring at my breasts. No? I was starting to get

really flusered, I didn't know -- flusered and I didn't know what to

do, I thrust them in his face and he got red and embarrassed and I

thought, gutted, you shouldn't have been staring. I like that? Is that

a punishment though. It seems like he would have been thrilled.

Someone else. I know that was harsh, I just couldn't.

I will go who's next and she will be there, hanging on.

Do we have time for one more. Hello. What's your name? Will. Oh! I tell

you what, because it is Christmas, and bass you are here, shall we do

one -- because you are here, shall we do it Dragon's Den-style. Will,

what is your story about? About skiing. If you go and we will get

you to walk in, a la Dragon's Den. Can I just say, you are pitching

the story, the anecdote to Hillary, we're looking for a strong

beginning, a short body and a great end. OK. Off you go Will, OK.

That's what we are looking for, at the end of the story, you could

either be in or it would be funny if you're out (stage whisper) I'm

not telling you what to do. You can do what you like. But it would be

funny if he went out (stage whisper).

A bit of Dragon's Den music. Will is hoping to impress the dragons

with his story about skiing. But will the dragons be impressed?

It's time for Will to put his mouth where his story is.

Hang on, hang on. Sorry, off you go, Will. Couple of

years ago, I went skiing with my family, I'm not a very good skiier.

My mum thought it would be good idea to take me to the top of a

black ski run, she said I can ski down this, I couldn't, she skied

off and left me. I thought I would walk down without skiing, it took

me three hours to get back to the hotel. So, Will has told quite a

dull story about skiing. But what will the dragons think?

Time for Hilary Devey to have her say! I'm out. Do it. It went well.

That is very nearly it for tonight. But now we are going to play out

with a very special musical performance, and hopefully the

Christmas number one. Please welcome Gareth Malone and the

# Wherever you are # My love will keep you safe

# My heart will build a bridge # Of love across both time and

space # Wherever you are

# Our hearts still beat as one # I hold you in my dreams each

night # Until your task is done

# Light after darkness # My wound rouse star

Dk wond rus star # Our hopes and dreams

# My heart and yours # Forever shining far

# Light up the darkness # My Prince of peace

# May the stars shine # All around you

# May your courage never cease # Wherever I am

# I will love you day by day # And keep you safe until day come

our way # Wherever I am

# Through the night # I pray each day

# A safe return will bring you back # Light up the darkness

# My wondrous star # Our hopes and dreams

# My heart and your's # Forever shining bright

# Light up the darkness # My Prince of peace

# May the stars shine all around # You may your courage never cease

# Ahhhhhhhh APPLAUSE

Wow. Fantastic job. Gareth Malone and the Military

Wives. Good luck for Christmas day. Thank

you very much. Thank you so much.

And of course thanks to all my guests tonight. Gillian Anderson,

Russell Kane, Matt Smith, Dougie, Harry Judd and Hilary Devey. Join

me next week for a look back at my highlights of 2011, then back on

Friday 6th of January with Noel Gallagher and Gerard Butler, after