Episode 8 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight, I have Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson and I'm in the middle of

Victorian London. It is a real pea- souper! LAUGHTER In the fog, I can

hear the bells of Old London Town. AUDIENCE: Ding dong. I can hear the

barges on the Thames. AUDIENCE: FOGHORN Hello, love, I

would do anything for a quid! APPLAUSE

Oh. Oh! Thank you very much. Good evening. Good evening. Welcome all.

We've got a great show for you tonight. Star of the new Sherlock

Holmes film, Hollywood megastar, Robert Downey Jr is here. APPLAUSE

And Dr Watson, the Oscar-nominated Jude Law is here! APPLAUSE

Glamorous Strictly judge Alesha Dixon is here. APPLAUSE Globe-

trotting comedy superstar Eddie Izzard is here! APPLAUSE Plus we'll

be having music from the wonderful Rebecca Ferguson. APPLAUSE

Beautiful. Loving her album. She shot to fame on last year's X

Factor and, on Sunday, it was announced that the winner of this

year's X Factor was No, it's gone already! I can only apologise.

We've managed to grab Alesha Dixon just before tomorrow's Strictly

Final. All of this year's stars are up in Blackpool for the big event.

Here's Russell Grant arriving. Delighted to welcome back Eddie

Izzard. Eddie has become a fitness fanatic after his astonishing

marathon running for Sport Relief. Everywhere he went he was greeted

by cheering crowds. Well, not there. Surely somewhere? Found two! So

pleased to have Robert and Jude here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I know! They can't hear you. They're going to be

joining us direct from the premiere of their new Sherlock Holmes movie.

I love all those stories. My favourite was where Holmes gets

held hostage by a mad man. Do we have a picture of Holmes being held

hostage by a mad man? There we go. LAUGHTER Run, Holmes, run! Later on

we will be having music from Rebecca Ferguson. First, Eddie

Izzard. APPLAUSE And she's all- singing, she's all-dancing, it's

Alesha Dixon! Sit yourself down. How lovely to see you all. Nice to

see you. Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law are on their way. Are you

managing to stay awake? I'm all right. I haven't done quite one of

these 23 hours and then do a show! Good for you. You say good for him,

it is fine now. LAUGHTER He will be drooling on your shoulder later!

You can use my hair as a cushion. What's been going on since I have

been away? When did you leave? year ago! Oh! LAUGHTER Did you know

Kate and Wills got married? they in Strictly Come Dancing?

would be a good booking. I'm not into Royalty, but well done to them.

I like the fact they had a split and got back together. It means it

is real. As opposed to arranged by people with hair! You know down the

years it has been arranged. The Duke of so-and-so will marry the

Earl of what's it. As a woman, you wouldn't have let your sister wear

that dress, would you? I would! wouldn't. I would. It is your

special day, you would have gone, "No!" I'm going to say something -

listen. I will be really honest now. I thought Pippa looked amazing. I

don't understand what the fuss is over the bum! APPLAUSE Because I...

It is like a backlash! No, I love bums. I wish I could have a bum!

She looked lovely. Beautiful. But she didn't have a bum that made me

go, "I want Pippa's bum!" Honestly. It was the Royal Wedding, Alesha.

LAUGHTER The arse on her! LAUGHTER Yeah, but there were a lot of

people saying that. That is why her bum became the big story. I missed

the wedding. A lot of things I have missed. Did she do a bum-centric

move? No. She had a gown that revealed her bum... She didn't have

to pick up something off the floor? She did. Kate was walking like that.

And then Pippa would do a... she didn't! APPLAUSE Just that...

Listen, tomorrow night is a very exciting night in the world of

Strictly. Yes. Barring shocks, who will win? I think it will be

between Harry or Chelsee. Yes? Chelsee is a brilliant dancer. A

lot of the women have a soft spot for Harry. CHEERING There you go.

You haven't seen any of it? I know that people... Catch up! I know

people dance. Yes. And there are two of them. Yes. Yes. That's -

it's - I have no idea. LAUGHTER There should be someone dying, I

feel. No! Strictly Come Leg Break or something! The ultimate fighter

and they put ultimate fighter and Strictly Come Dancing. Strictly

Come Dancing Come Cage Fighting! That is a good idea. That is good.

I would be watching. It's been a mad series, so - a friend of the

show - Nancy Dell'Olio... LAUGHTER She was going to... I wish I had

seen that. So many people have said when she was a guest on the show.

You couldn't work out what she did. She doesn't know! She is a lawyer!

She was going to sue you? Well, apparently. What? What happened?

LAUGHTER Alesha suggested... I was commenting on her dance, she was

dancing the rumba. In the rumba you should have your knees together. I

said her knees were too far apart and it wasn't particularly feminine.

At the end, I did say she should have stayed in the coffin but that

was a joke! APPLAUSE We have a picture of her. I was joking! With

the judges, it is never personal. When she said she was going to sue

me, I thought this is a dancing competition! In a coffin! LAUGHTER

What was she thinking? This will go well?! LAUGHTER The choreographer

has put me in a coffin! I know. I know. Not a good look. I didn't

realise she started in a coffin, I thought that was a phrase - she

should have stayed in the coffin! That night at Wembley was genius.

It was wicked. It was a great atmosphere. It was amazing.

haven't seen the show. I am looking forward to you seeing this picture.

Feast your eyes on Russell Grant in a cannon! LAUGHTER It's a dancing

competition. This is Strictly Come Blow Yourself Out Of A Cannon! What

are the producers doing, we are going to up the game and shoot

people out of cannons. It doesn't matter how many Strictly Come

Dancings go by, you will always remember the crazy moments. You are

- you are the most successful contestant of all time. According

to? The number of tens? OK. That is nice to know. You knew that!

didn't. You did! I didn't. You told me backstage. I didn't! She was in

make-up, don't forget to tell them I got more tens than anybody else.

She did. She didn't! I hope I hold the record, though. Because you

were a controversial booking for the thing, has that blown over now?

Definitely. It's been three years. Three incredibly successful series

of the show. With anything like that, you have to understand that

there will be a storm, but you have to weather it. Weren't there people

outside your house? It was very intrusive. If you are going to be

in this industry, you have to accept that things don't always go

your way. You are a judge on a dancing competition? Of course. In

hindsight, that is what got me through it. You have to keep a

clear perspective on things and like you say, it is just a dance

show. Nobody died. LAUGHTER So you have to be positive and look at the

bigger picture and what is really important in life. Knife fights, I

have said... LAUGHTER It will bring the element of danger and

violence... I'm worried now. following through on a line here.

Eddie, you are back from Australia, that makes you tired. On top of

that, you are training again? we should train forever. We are all

hunter-gathers. These bodies were designed. Some of us were probably

waiters and hopers hoping that food would run into our mouths. We all

need to go out and try and find that kind of sandwich. LAUGHTER

now we don't. For the last 2,000 years, we have been saying, "Let's

watch telly and eat pizza." We have to be out there. That is why I am

doing barefoot running. Like... Forest Gump. Isn't running bad

enough? It is not Forest Gump. He didn't know why he was running.

didn't have a spiritual level? had a chocolate box level! LAUGHTER

I knew why I was running. It is healthy... Let's remind everyone

because, listen to this, Sports Relief, you did how many marathons?

43. In how many days? 51. Wow! Wait, by doing that, Eddie raised almost

�3 million. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Incredible.

It wasn't �3 million, it was only �1.8 million. I got told by

somebody who knows what you did is physically impossible and that

experts should poke you with a stick. Well, there was an

interesting point. After I did two, I thought I could stop now and I

could dine out on the story. Yes, I once ran two marathons in two days.

I could have done that. Then it went to three, four. After 15, no-

one believed me. That was the interesting thing. I just ran to

North Wales from London - yeah, all right, what do you want? It was

like saying you had eaten a car. You climbed Mount Kilimanjaro,

which seemed impressive at the time but now doesn't look so good.

Graham! It is the hardest thing I have done in my life. Try 43

marathons! LAUGHTER It did look very tough. You had trouble...

Trouble with everything. You had a peeing incident on the mountain?

That was the worst part. For guys, it is easy. You can do it anywhere.

For us, it was difficult. You had to find anywhere. I found somewhere

private and I was pleased with myself till I nearly fell off the

side of the mountain and I am grabbing on for dear life. When I

emerged, "Was I gone long?" I tried to act calm. I was so embarrassed

because of how it happened. Yes! You know what I mean? Did you go

all over yourself? No, no! Can you imagine? What's that?! LAUGHTER

Like the fountains in Vegas! What's that?! APPLAUSE Oh dear. It is

almost Christmas. It is a lovely time of the year when we like to

spend time with our families and hope there is something good on the

telly so we don't have to talk them. The Strictly Christmas Day Special,

is that all done? All done. It was so bizarre having Christmas trees

and snow... In the middle of the series? I know. It will be fab.

There are other Christmas telly treats. They come from you. A new

version of Treasure Island is on Sky, you play Long John Silver?

Indeed. I have only seen bits of it. The production values on this thing

are phenomenal? It is a beautiful version of it. Treasure Island had

almost got to a place where it was pantomime and I said I wouldn't do

it unless we did a kick ass version of it. We did the Geoodfellas

Goodfellas version. It looks like a movie rather than a TV show. Here

There you are. Come on board, Hawkins. Is this our ship? Here she

is. Bought and fitted. You could sail her tomorrow. I say she is a

lovely ship, Sir. Well-chosen. Thank you. I always say a man who

could choose a good horse could choose a good ship just by looking

at its arse. You look like you know the way around a horse's arse?

It is on Sky1 on New Year's Day and the day after. I believe you call

that January 2nd! LAUGHTER What happened to ooh ar? You never say

Jim Lad, we took all of that out. And we wanted this to be a down-

and-dirty - it is like, imagine when Tim Burton did the first

Batman, he took it into a place with edge and that is what this

story is. It is a magnificent cast. Having come from this place of

comedy, it is wonderful to be playing with these people. Also,

you are in another Christmas treat, Lost Christmas? That goes out on

18th December on BBC One. What is that about? It is an urban

fairytale. It is like A Wonderful Life. It is set in Manchester. It's

a beautiful story. It is quite dark. The family will love it. Sounds

Christmassy? They will like that. Very good. Now, moving on. Who are

my next guests tonight? Elementary, my dear Watson, it's the stars of

the new Sherlock Holmes movie, Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law! Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello. Good to see you. Hello. How are you?

Very nice to see you. APPLAUSE It is fair to say they are pleased to

see you. Good. They thought I was lying! Robert Downey Jr and Jude

Law, I am sure! How was the premiere? Wet. Really? A little wet.

I always feel vaguely guilty when friends from America come over to

premieres. They have been in LA and it pours with rain! Jude, lovely

suit and everything. You look lovely. LAUGHTER Is this your red

carpet look? Have you changed? Is this what you did the red carpet

in? Yes. Here is what you don't understand. Am I meant to read

between the lines? No. You have a beanie on! That's fine. I have been

scalped for my new - I'm doing a film and I have got the most

hideous haircut you have ever seen...

AUDIENCE: Off, off! It won't happen. You will see it in the cinemas next

year! Yeah! We don't reveal trade secrets around here! Listen,

Sherlock Holmes is back - it's called Sherlock Holmes: Game of

Shadows. First one, $524 million. That is phenomenal and a Golden

Globe for you? Thanks. Could have been either one of us. It was just

my night! LAUGHTER I wasn't nominated. Well, then, maybe next

time! LAUGHTER It is always weird talking about a sequel, if I say it

is better than the first one, it is like I am slagging the first one

off. It is better? We were more confident this time. More confident.

Usually sequels suck. Quite often. This one doesn't. Why are you

looking at each other? I don't know. It is true, quite often you have to

be - we are talking about Treasure Island 2 already and we have to be

careful because I did Treasure Island... Yes. The island with the

other treasure! Listen, a lot has been made of the chemistry between

the two of you. Was that just luck? Did you know each other before the

first film? No. No. We hadn't met. What we immediately loved was the

idea of this domestic life and taking these two guys who basically,

as in the books, lived together and the idea of this domesticity but

under gunfire. Did you do your laundry? Did you turn the lights

off? We thought there was something to run with there. We have explored

it a bit more on this one, with more explosions and running through

woods. I loved that bit. Thanks. You hang out, even your days off -

was it the first movie you would go to the gym before you went to the

set? What was it that German journalist asked us? Did you pump

up before? Every morning! LAUGHTER Sometimes on Sundays, too! I love

this guy and we had a great time and I think it translated into this

kind of, you know how it is, you have a professionalism relationship

with somebody and it kind of... Develops. There was an honesty, too.

People would say, "Tell us a funny story." All the funny stories are

in the film. What we tried to do every day was look at the scenario

and we would try and find a witty way... There is one funny story. I

will remind you of it and you can tell it! Yes. Go! Chatshow gold!

You tell it? I'm not going to tell it. I'll tell it! APPLAUSE And he

will! They are shooting this scene where a guy comes in, right, and he

had forgotten to wear any underwear... And then you take it

from there! LAUGHTER Then there was an explosion... No. There was this

scene where we walk into a room of carnage. There are all these rubber

bodies strewn away, fake dummy bodies that are in impossible

twisted positions. Covered in blood. Robert goes, "Check this out."

There is a big hand lying there and just... And an extra went, "By the

love of God !" And sits up. LAUGHTER That's a good story.

you work it out with him? Why would I do that?! LAUGHTER It was right

before... It scared us, too. problem was, the guy goes, "I can

say I have had the honour of having my hand stomped on by the great

Sherlock Holmes." In America, it would be, "Lawsuit!" Jude and I

haven't looked at each other and this just happened. I go back and I

look at him and he just looked at me like that and I couldn't stop

laughing for an hour. I have heard different versions of events

whether it was Guy Ritchie's idea or whether it was your idea for

Sherlock Holmes to drag up. Was that yours? It was. Were you

surprised at how you looked? You are a beautiful man? Thank you.

CHEERING It is true. LAUGHTER would probably kick myself out of

bed. I looked like my sister was on a round of steroids. LAUGHTER

trying to think if I was Watson's girl what would be the most

unsavoury disguise for Sherlock to show up wearing. There is that

picture of you. I don't want to cause a rift. We have a picture of

Jude as a woman. This is a film that you were in as well! Look at

Jude. AUDIENCE: Wooh! Now...

APPLAUSE That is a good look. I should shave! Not sure how great

I feel about that. You look good. Embrace it. Men dressing as women

is bizarre! LAUGHTER I don't. I am a transvestite. It is a gift. You

just are a transvestite! That is under... That's my experience.

will let you be the judge. Here you are in action in drag. How many

were you expect something Half a dozen. Who are they? A wedding

present. Lovely ceremony by the way. John... Just a minute, darling.

you trust me? No. I should have to do something about that. Who is up

for it next? Shut the door, John. It had to be done. She's safe now.

In my own defence I timed it perfectly! APPLAUSE Very good.

Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows opened tonight and it is not in 3D.

I am so pleased. You don't need 3D all the time. Says the man who

appeared in Hugo recently! Yes. LAUGHTER You can be in both!

Talking of producing things, Robert Downey Jr, you have something

special on the way. You are about to be a daddy? Yeah.

Congratulations. APPLAUSE When is it going to happen? She is due in

February. Oh. She is ten weeks out. How exciting! Thanks. You are on

record saying whatever else happens I am not going to reveal the sex of

the baby and I won't reveal what it is called. Then a couple of weeks

ago, what did you do? I had poor impulse control! LAUGHTER So, I

revealed the gender. How did that go when you got home? Swell, it's

fine! LAUGHTER She knows I have a problem. When you saying it, did

you realise you were doing a wrong thing? I made the decision to and

said no, right as I was saying it. You screwed up? Yes. It's been a

while! LAUGHTER And the baby is still happening in ten weeks?

He's decided to come along anyway! I may have come up to you drunk at

a party and may have already said this. I'm not sure. I loved

Families. Families was so good... CHEERING Well done that person!

Families was genius. Did you not enjoy it? Oh God! There you are.

Oh! I'm the one on the right! LAUGHTER Earlier, you were in the

National Youth Theatre? When I was about 13. I used to do that

alongside school. People still speak of your performance in

Bodywork. Do they? Yes. Really? Who, what people? Me! LAUGHTER I played

Adrenaline. How do you know this stuff? I know these things. You

were marvellous. Thanks. Did you see it? No! How do you know? I'm a

chatshow host! I say this stuff! LAUGHTER Adrenaline is a character?

It was written... As opposed to a liquid? It was set inside a body so

- the National Youth Theatre, all these kids, everyone plays

different parts. Who played Penis?! LAUGHTER He was 18. Very tall.

did other jobs, too. You worked in a clothes shop? I worked - that was

my first job out of school, selling T-shirts. We used to - yeah. It was

in the summer. It was - not sure if I'm allowed to say. It was the Hark

Rock Cafe. You can't say that! can! I sold T-shirts for a summer.

Didn't you get bored? People would ask for two black, two white. What

kind of black? Jet black? Off black? Very dark black? Show me the

black. Jet black! I'll have a jet black! Terrible way of entertaining

yourself. In terms of - you grew up in a showbiz house. You were going

to end up in showbiz? I guess so. I tried sales. What did you do?

shoes. LAUGHTER That is inverted sales. That's receives. I have had

a bunch of regular jobs. I think I had sticky fingers. Is that why the

jobs didn't last that long? I have kept jobs for a while. Depends on

how long it takes for them to find out! Alesha, you haven't kept jobs

very long? No. Sticky fingers? But boring jobs. Cleaning schools.

They lasted a week. That's as long as I would last. Then you would

walk? I would go. You do a bit of MC-ing? Yes. LAUGHTER I'm out of

here, that kind of thing! I was MC- ing on the side. I was getting more

money for the MC-ing... You are so greedy! It is really hard if you

are going to be a creative performer, you are making stuff out

of nothing, you are making things that happen, it is difficult doing

sensible jobs because you tend to talk to people - I remember working

in Covent Garden in a restaurant for three weeks. I had to give it

in because the guy said, "You will never become an actor!" I thought,

"I can't stand here talking to you." I wanted us to do stuff. I

grew up in a Britain that I felt nothing - you couldn't do anything

and I wanted to do everything. And doing gigs in French which I did

this year. It was the same at school. I wanted to act and they

just laughed. Absolutely. I told a guy that I was going to go to

London and get an agent. He laughed in my face. I thought that is not

positive. When you are young and you are at school, and you say you

want to sing or act, it sounds ludicrous. Your dad was director

and producer? Yes. Was it easy to believe going into it? He didn't

encourage me. If you wanted to do acting, did you feel it wasn't

going to be a bizarre idea? didn't think about it. I told my

friends I was going to be hugely successful and they should keep an

eye out for me. If they needed me, I would be doing the tables at the

restaurant! Wasn't it Sting who was one of your customers? He was. Here

is what happened. I'm doing the tables, it was a Sunday, and I look

up and I guess like between - he was going to see some theatre or

something - he had a meal. I went over. I served him some tea. Then

he was done. I said, "May I take that?" He said, "No, it's fine. You

you can leave it right here." He looked at me and said, "I realised

you and I will be close friends one day." That is the way I used to

think. All right. I will leave it there. LAUGHTER And now... Are you

close friends? We are very, very close. Very good. APPLAUSE Well,

look at you all now, a veritable sofa of stars. And now we're going

to meet a new star in the making, cos it's time for music. In a

moment, we'll be hearing tonight's stories in the Big Red Chair, but

first, performing Nothing's Real But Love, please welcome Rebecca

# Standing in a line # Wonder why it don't move

# Tryna get a hand # Watching people break the rules

# And maybe the man in charge, doesn't like my face

# But then this world's not always good

# And nothing's real but love # Nothing's real but love

# No money, no house, no car, can beat love

# They watch us open-mouthed # As we joke around like fools

# See who can be the worst # Watch what I can do

# But then the door gets slammed, slammed right in my face

# And I guess this world's not always good

# And nothing's real but love # Nothing's real but love

# No house, no car, no job, can beat love

# It won't fill you up # No money, no house, no car, is

like love # La la la la la la

# Yeaaah # I put it all away

# Holding it down for a rainy day # But what if that day don't come

# I need love # No money, no house, no car, is

like love # It don't fill you up

# It won't build you up # It won't fill you up

# It's not love! # And nothing's real but love

# No money, no house, no car, is like love

# Nothing's real but love # No money, no house, no car, is

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rebecca Ferguson, ladies and

gentlemen. Come and join me. Oh beautiful! That was gorgeous. Mwah!

Come and have a seat. There you go. Eddie, Alesha, Jude, Robert. All

good. That is off the new album Heaven. It is out now. It's

brilliant. Congratulations. Thank you. Very glad you co-wrote - did

you co-write the whole thing? She is not an idiot! APPLAUSE

does help! I know you didn't win, but that is a good thing. To me, it

has been. Winning is not great. is the real deal! Winning is the

beginning of the end! Won a Golden Globe, leave it! And the film was

very successful... Thanks, pal. Very nearly the end! It is nearly

time for us to go. We have time for a story or two in the Red Chair.

Who is up first? Hello, small person. Hi. You will go flying!

LAUGHTER What is your name? Beth. Where are you from? Nottingham.

what do you do? I live at uni in London. Studying? English and

American literature. What do you hope to do with that? LAUGHTER

not too sure. OK. Right, delight us with your story? OK. Everybody who

knows me knows I love Robert Downey Jr more than life itself. I was

walking down Regent Street today and I saw a bus with the Sherlock

Holmes poster on the side. I got so distracted by the photo that I

walked into a road, straight into a woman on a bike and knocked her

completely off balance. I don't think she was happy. I did explain

why I was so unfocused. I think she let me off. Did she look like

this?! LAUGHTER I like the way strangers are getting hurt because

of this film. That poor woman cycling. Terrible. Who is next?

Hello. Hello. What is your name? Valerie. Valerie. Where do you

live? Surrey. CHEERING They are loving Surrey. Off you go. OK. A

few years ago, I went to Center Parc in France with my husband and

son. We did a detour to the zoological gardens near Paris. I

was driving a panda car which was a soft-top. When we got there they

said it was OK to go in in this car. Yes? We went into the place, and

went into the bear enclosure and... What?! You went into a bear

enclosure? Yes. This was the bear. I don't know if you can see that?

That is a proper bear. A proper bear. And it came towards the car

and then it climbed on to the car and the top of the car started to

bulge in and we all got scared. LAUGHTER My husband opened the

window slightly to throw some nuts out... What?! And then it didn't

work. And then it kind of still clung on. And I was rocking the car

backwards and forwards to try and move the bear. And eventually I did

this. It got hold of the car again and it was hanging on to the wing

mirror. And then eventually I managed to shake it off again and

my husband opened the door and threw the whole of the nuts out of

the car and the bear was distracted so I close ds the window and we

drove -- closed the window and we drove and got out of the enclosure.

We realised the wing mirror was missing so we thought well, what

shall we do? We debated. At that point, I felt where's my son?

LAUGHTER Wing mirror fell off... was hiding on the backseat under

anything that he could find not to look to see what was going on.

Anyway, we went back in to look for the wing mirror. No! You idiot! You

are an idiot! APPLAUSE The kid got out the window? No. They went back

in! LAUGHTER Robert was there to distract the bear! There is

something that - that story was going absolutely nowhere for so

long until the bear - so bring the bear closer in the story first. She

should have got that out. You will see her backstage. I want to know

what happened. The kid's lost? Lost somewhere in the car? Can you get

her back in the chair? We want the end of the story. OK. APPLAUSE

this allowed? You are not going to tip me out again? I promise!

LAUGHTER We remember where we were in the story. You decided to go

back in the enclosure. LAUGHTER look for the wing mirror. Yes!

Where's the kid? The kid's in the backseat. He's on the backseat. We

couldn't see the wing mirror and the bears had gone. We thought,

well, if we meet up with the French traffic police how do we explain

the wing mirror? They won't believe us. So we left. And my son kind of

appeared from the back and I said, "Well, look at this way, you can

think of the Panda outwitting a brown bear!" APPLAUSE I did promise.

You can walk. Quickly! Walk quickly. Well done, everyone. If you'd like

to join us on the show and have a go in the Red Chair, you can

contact us via our website at this address. Thank you to my guests,

Rebecca Ferguson, Eddie Izzard, Alesha Dixon, Jude Law and Robert

Downey Jr. Join me next week for a festive show which will include