Episode 7 The Graham Norton Show

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, everybody. Good evening and

welcome. Oh, we've go the a great show for you tonight. Smouldering

Spanish star, Antonio Banderas is here. South American sex pot, Salma

Hayek is on the show. Yeah. Top comic Jimmy Carr is here. And,

we'll be having music and chat from the fabulous Coldplay. I tell you.

There's a line-up. There's a line- up. Very excited about Antonio

Banderas. What a range of parts he has played over the years. From

Zorro, to Puss In Boots. So varied. Can we see who Puss in Boots is

fighting there? Yes, Antonio Banderas is in the new Puss In

Boots film with Salma who plays Kitty Softpaws. Actually, there is

a lovely romantic moment at the end of the film where the two of them

finally get together. CATS MEOW Is it still doggy style? Is it? Salma

was also the creator of the brilliant Ugly Betty. A silly

concept. Could anyone with daft glasses and big teeth really make

it in the world of fashion? Yes, they could. One of my favourite

films of Salma's is From Dusk Till Dawn where she played a sexy

vampire stripper. Mind you, if you think that is revealing, ladies and

gentlemen, I have a picture of Salma where you can clearly see her

"lady beard". Do you want to see it? YES! Let's get our guests on.

We will have muse fribg Coldplay later on. First, it's Jimmy Carr.

Hello, sir. You're very well. It's Salma Hayek. Thank you so much for

doing this. Jimmy Carr, Salma Hayek. It is, Antonio Banderas. He is the

coolest cat in town. There he is, Puss in Boots. Sit yourself down.

You have come from the Puss In Boots premier. That is right.

you very much. You were here, I know. I've come from a corridor

outside. It was so glamorous. were going to invite you, but the

theatre was so small. You've changed. This sounds like a stupid

question, did anyone bring a cat? Yes. There were three cats. They

kept them in a cage. That's terrible. Was thrpbt a special

screening for cats? There was a special screening for cats in LA. I

had to sit down with 24 trained cats. I thought it was going to be

crazy. I was the one who actually failed. He they did a lot of takes

because of me, not the cats. looks like you are wearing a really

weird after shave. An odd spray. I'm wearing tuna by John West.

Salma, after all these premiers you can say the title of the movie?

Didn't have you problems with the title? I did. What did you

originally call it? I shouldn't say things like that on telly.

Definitely say it. It's called Puss In Boots you called it? Pussy, ss.

Pussy Boots. That sounds like a uef nisism for a condom. You're fired.

Listen I loved Pussy Boots. She has Softpaws. Let's move on from this

subject. Don't go there. I have another idea, let's never move on

from this. Let's make the whole thing about this. No. You're called

soft... Softpaws. Which I did say once, Kitty Softporn. It was

difficult at the beginning. Now I'm used to the word. Kitty Softpaws,

Kitty Softpaws, we are being careful. Talk us through, who is

Kitty Softpaws she is knew to us, we don't know her? She's great.

She's a street cat. She's saucy and cheeky like they would say here in

London, right, cheeky? I would definitely say cheeky, why not?

Sure. She's very smart and free spirited and independent and

kourraig raigious she is a fantastic thief. What I love about

her, we are used to princesses who never have a job. They are

unemployed. Always waiting for the guy to come and rescue them. Like

The Only Way Is Essex. Essentially. Yes. This is my kitty. She doesn't

need anybody to rescue her, as a matter-of-fact, sometimes, like in

real-life, I have to go and rescue him. Yes. I would say, yes. I mean

- You were going to say some funny pussy word now. No, I wasn't.

Awesome. We have to hire him for the laughter. I have a weird laugh.

Most people laugh on the ha-ha. They laugh out. It sounds like a

goose fighting a seal. You swallow your own laughter. Spit it out,

boy! Oh! I like the rough stuff. Let it go. I will give you a moment

to recover. Thanks, Graham. We will watch a clip of Kitty and Puss in

action. You're twisted lies. I Oh, oh... Look what I've found.

Someone forgot his money. Oh, you are dangerous. Weapons of mass

destruction Humpty Dumpty says you like danger. Just think of all the

trouble we can get into. The two of us together. We can steal a lot of

golden eggs. Umm? So adorable. It is a funny movie.

It's in cinema's tonight. Yes. have always been a sex symbol now

you are a sex symbol who is a -- Cat who is a sex symbol? Yeah. When

I got to America I didn't speak the language when I was 31 years old.

They call me because of the use of my voice. It's the most successful

character I have done in my life. It's weird. A paradox in my life.

People come up to you and say, "do the voice?"? They do a lot. Can you

do the voice. I am doing the voice. That's Puss in Boots. Fear me, if

you dare. Wasn't the original character didn't have to be a

swashbuckleer, was he made a swashbuckleer because of Zorro?

They took reference from stuff I had done before, definitely. They

build those characters around you. When I got to the Shrek series I

thought he was going to be a recurring character. I didn't think

he would be that back. They determined the personality of the

character. We decided to put a voice on a very little character

that actually goes against that body. It doesn't match him. There

is the creation of comedy. What is really funny is they keep them cats.

They humanise them to a degree. The chasing the thing. They become cats

in the movie. They can be as humanised as they want, eventually

they do cat things. There is dodgy licking you will be pleased to know.

In Zorro, you know, lots of people do sword fights it's choreographed?

A lot of people do sword fights. You trained with the Spanish

Olympic team? I did for four months. Come on. It's true. Why did you do

that? She is doing that the whole day in interviews. He is so good at

everything. Mummy and daddy are fighting, I don't like it. Oh, my

God! Show them. Who am I going to sword fight against. I thought you

would make it do things. Let me see that. I haven't trained with an

Olympic team. You wouldn't kill anybody like this. Teach me a move

that would impress people. There are, I think, seven positions.

You put your leg here like this and hang like this. I'm doing exactly

what you are doing. Don't laugh at me. Comfortable and relax. This is

the first position. Hang on. Wouldn't it be awful if I killed

Antonio Banderas. You get a guest on and you kill one. First position.

That's first. That is not that bad. First and second. Third and fourth.

Fifth. I've cut my own leg, I will ignore that. Sixth. A fancy one in

case someone attacks you in the back like this. You are so good.

thought so. Now, try that. You can try this. Fancy. That is good. Keep

it there. What did I tell you. He's a showoff. And then you go...

You could have been a professional soccer player? I could have. I

broke my left foot when I was 16 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah....

Weren't you good enough to be an Olympic gymnast? That's true.

couple of things, right here. Could you have been a professional

football player. I don't know if you have been to a pub England in

there is one man in every pub who had trials for sp Spurs. You could

have been an Olympic gymnast, more information than you want. I had a

thing about gymnasts much I always fantasized about having sex with a

gymnast, because they do amazing dismounts. I just imagine... That

is funny. I imagine after sex you would be by the side of the bed

like that. You bend your legs even a little bit I could make you do it

Very excited, because you were Zorro again recently, for security

reasons. This is very cool. You had a benefit in your own house.

have a then a -- benefit for the campaign of Barack Obama. We

received the President of the United States in my home. It makes

me laugh because it is something you don't do every day. Yes, we all

had codenames. Up for security? South who gave you the code names?

Secret services. Thank you were? It must have been amazing, you have

the President in your house. It is only 20 years ago, 19 years ago,

that you did not speak English, you were unknown in America. It is a

fabulous... When you first went to America, you didn't speak the

language? Nothing at all. How good looking does a man have to be to

get cast in a film and the director says language is not a problem!

doesn't matter how good looking you 5th you had to meet with producers.

I met somebody there who was just taking coffee to the agents. He

said, you want a representative in America? I said, yeah, sure. I went

to do an Italian movie. When I came back, he said, you have to go to

London, I have a meeting with an American director. I said, I don't

speak English. He said, just go there and pretend you speak English.

So just go there and do something. I came to London, I met with this

guy, in a very fancy restaurant. He started speaking with me and I

didn't understand one word. I was saying, yes. And yes. Eventually,

something more complicated, like, of course. At the end of the

conversation, I learned a line that was the key to my career. I said, I

can do that. And he actually believed it. That is why we are

talking now. But it is like a fairy-tale. I

can't imagine going to Spain now, I don't speak any Spanish, and saying,

I will become a film star, I will be fine. Do I get a boat docks in

texting in my tongue so that I have a list? -- injection in my tongue.

If you wrote your story in a film, people would not believe it.

spoke English when you came to America? I spoke shopping English!

Small, medium! Was there a thing when you got a review of Desperado,

and you got a -- you thought it was a bad review. They said, bombshell.

And I thought they said that I bombed. You do these movies and

then afterwards, you have to do the press. Not speaking very good

English... That was mad, I made the huge mistakes. Was there a

journalist who asked to your favourite American food? Yes, and I

said, Francis Ford Coppola. He does make a pasta sauce. What did the

journalist do? He just laughed his but off. His what? What did you

say? Don't! There seems to be a lot of sexual tension, I think you need

to get each other out of your systems! You are just projecting!

Do you are right, I really like him. By know that. -- I know that. You

broke 1 million hearts when you said I'd do. Fine, it is totally

fine. You are the only one in the house he doesn't speak French?

speak very bad French. Isn't that your own fault? You had the

opportunity? I did. My parents sent me to learn French when I was

really young. It sounded like a good idea but when I got to Paris

and they told me I had to have eight hours straight private

lessons in French, at 16 or 17... What a terrible opportunity.

Imagine, for the summer. I am sorry, when you are 17, you don't want to

be stuck in a room with a teacher. I lied, I told my parents that my

teacher died. That's why I don't trust you. A dangerous woman.

regret it, I wish I hadn't killed that teacher! Your husband and

daughter, do they plot against you? I understand it now. Those days are

gone, Baby! You should have pretended that you still didn't

understand it. I did, for a while. Did you find out good did? Oh, yeah,

it was good to be a spy. I don't mean to ruin the chemistry, but

Jimmy has a girlfriend. Yeah, I'm lucky. In it your tour next year,

you are already booking that. this one has finished. I notice you

are doing fewer updates. It is likely to do with having a bit more

time at home. I was always so much. Getting into that argument with my

girlfriends saying, you treat this house like you are a hotel -- like

a hotel. When I travel, I get love sick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

We have been together 10 years, we have a great relationship. We

occasionally get into regular arguments that couples get into. It

is the same situation. We went to a party only a week ago. A great

party, really fun. 2:30am, I am driving home, I haven't had

anything to drink. She has had quite a lot to drink in terms of

units to a colt, but she is not drunk. And I know that, because she

told me 400 times. -- units of alcohol. She is talking a lot, I am

listening a little, my back. In my defence, she was telling me about

the evening in real time, and I had A mutual friend of ours said

something that she did not like. She said, that girl said my dress

was short. And I agreed, I said yeah, it is short. She goes from 0

to 100 as an angry in two minutes. She goes... You taking her side? Go

back to the party, pick up and drive her home, and I'll just walk

I'm on my fat little legs that can't even where a short skirt. The

-- walk home. In 30 seconds she is opening the car door. I had to stop

the car. As soon as I stop the car, she is out. Teetering up the road

on heels, no coat, no keys, no money, no phones, no idea where she

is going. I had to do the dutiful boy friend thing of driving along

at 4 mph. Get back in the car, it is my fault. It is not my fault, I

have done nothing! Get back in the car, I will buy you chips. I got

arrested for trying to pick up a That's my story and I'm sticking to

it. Salma Hayek, you were very well known in your home country of

Mexico. What would your character, Teresa? -- what was your character.

That is a big decision, to leave. If you are an actor and you get a

job, that is already very good. To go looking for another job seems...

Ambitious. Yeah, but I didn't want to do the Spanish show for the rest

of my life. At that time, there was no film industry in Mexico. If you

don't want to do theatre or that show, you have no choice but to be

miserable, or take a chance. must have been biddable, a nice

kind of poetic justice, to get to America and sell ugly Betty to

America -- it must have been beautiful. The IU behind that?

are you behind that? Yeah, that's me. When I became -- when I came, I

did not come with a story nominated for an Oscar. I said, can I get an

agent? They would kick me out of -- kick me out of the office! I

should have just said, yes, yes. I maybe I would have got an something.

You should have just said, I can do that. I can do that! It is not

working, Jimmy. I can't imagine you were ever, in any way, ugly. But I

know that you did have some insecurities about your physical

appearance when you were younger. Are we talking about my breasts?

Yes, we are. Finally! At half! were a -- back off! You were

insecure when you were young? I was the youngest in my class and

all the girls started getting them, and I wasn't getting anything, and

I was really scared. What did you do? We went on a road trip with my

parents, we went to this church that had a saint that was supposed

to be doing a lot of miracles. I was getting teased a lot. When we

went back to the car, I said, I have forgotten something. I went

back to the judge, put my hands in the holy water, and went, please,

4th the weird thing about that, Because you played a cad... I did.

What? -- you played a cat. In the movie, Kitty Softpaws? A happy

chance, we found this little club. Have you seen this clip of the oh

my God cat? It is very cute. Here he is. He starts to get a bit

If we watch it again, you can tell them something shocking, and it

works. You know the actress Salma Hayek, she is on my show. She is.

She used to have a really flat chest, she did. But then she prayed

to God and now she has a really big Jimmy Carr, you are touring next

year. Restore is finished? Yes, last Sunday. -- this tour is

finished. The DVD is out. Is it in the small cupboard behind me?

imagine it is. Is this it? Yeah, the colours... I thought it was

going to look punk rock. It is maybe a little bit pink. It is

quite pink. Is it in shops now? It is. Just in time for Christmas.

guess! That is lovely, what a great idea! We were talking about

difficulties with English when they got to America. In this tour, you

do a masterclass in accents. I was trying to get better. I have been a

stand-up comedian for 10 years and I was trying to get better at it. I

have gone away and discover the secrets of a good regional accent,

you need a key phrase to get you started. Once you get that in your

head, you can get started. I can do once from around Britain. It will

be useful if you start playing British people, Meryl Streep gets

them all now. You could be in desperate Scouse wives. If you want

to talk like someone from Liverpool, you say this phrase, chicken and a

can of Coke. You have got to try it. I want some chicken and a can of

Coke. That is very good! I want some chicken and a can of Coke!

works! You sounded like you were trying to be a ventriloquist. Once

you say it, you can say something authentically Scouse. I am going on

the rob, I have got to get a prosy, it is my granny's birthday. She is

Obviously, I'm not knocking Liverpool. I love Liverpool.

Liverpool is the only town in Great Britain where JD Sport has an

evening department. Rollercoaster, pooper Scooper. If you want to do

the Georgy accent. IN GEORDIE ACCENT" ROLLERCOASTER,

POOPERSCOOPER do it. Rollercoaster. Pooper scooper. Um pa lum per.

Love it. Obviously, we are very excited about the music tonight.

Before we hear them play, let's meet the lead singer of the global

chart-topping Coldplay, it's Chris Martin.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sit down, sir. That was funny that.

Thank you very much. I was watching. It's clever that. Different ones

around the country. I can do Welsh. That is the other one. The confused

Welsh. "who's coat is that jacket, who's shoes are those trainers?".

We had a guy on tour who said that for real. He said, "who's Coke is

that Pepsi?". Congratulations to you. My real name isn't that

interesting. It's not like Antonio Banderas or Jimmy Carr. The great

thing is it's been a huge success. Yeah. Every band dreams of being

successful. Once you got success there is all that terrible pressure

of, now we have to stay successful. You dream of having a girlfriend

then you dream of being successful. Both have come true. Those are the

two dreams. How much pressure do you feel before a new album?

stone. If it's more than a movie hopefully you have another one in

the pipeline. This is... This is the end. This is three years.

Not three years long. No. That is value! You know shall I was

thinking about names and stuff. I knew you would ask me about what it

means. Banderas means "flags". His name ising are Tony Flags. Which

isn't so glamorous. Don't they put that in your trailer sometimes.

it in my trailer. When I go to Italy I will say that is my name at

the hotel. Don't say that to them! I'm leaving tonight. It's fine.

Codename Zorro, checked in under Tony Flag, you will find him. On

this album you have a duet Rihanna. Yes. Very exciting? It is.

people speak to me or Chris calling Rihanna? I went to visit her and

sat down with a piano and her sitting where you are, looking very

similar. I can imagine. She looked rough. I said, "I have this song" I

was English about it. It took 20 minutes to ask the question. I just

played and she was "OK" for $2 million she said, "I'll do it".

We've never done a duet before, it was a risk. It doesn't sound that

bad. Fur looking for collaborators Salma there loves singing. No.

are karaoke queen. You love it? He does everything well. Do you do

the Mexican dancing? Do you know the amazing dancing. You are a

natural. The amazing dancing is not Mexican. I'm sorry I messed up.

Again who does flamenco. I can do salsa pretty good. SPEAKS IN

SPANISH What are we going to, do put subtitles on it. Come on, make

an effort. I dance in a strange hopping, it's not technically

dancing. Like some kind of a fit. People come and see it in concert.

You are, we heard you in Evita. have a character. If you work with

him it would be a dramatic scene. Just stop it... I did it on

Broadway, I did it on movies or did it as a professional singer or

anything like thasm I don't don't want to be... He's on a tour next

year, go with him. Tony Flag and his Band. The Tony Flags Quartet.

You have something in common. In Salma's house everyone speaks

French. In your house you are the one who doesn't speak Spanish?

is true. Have you tried to learn Spanish? Yes. No luck. Everyone

else speaks Spanish in the house and they just let you... They just

let me watch Neighbours. They do. It's wonderful. I grew up speaking

English and Davon. Which is from Devon. Farm language much I can't

speak anything international. us the farm language. That bales a

bit wrong. I know what that means. Listen, I know you are going to

play for us. You are heading off to a gig. A concert. What will you

perform for us? A song called Paradise. Ush rushing off so I will

say good night to you now. Thank CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Still to come this week's stories in the famous Red Chair, first,

singing Paradise it is Coldplay. # Oh-oh-oh

# When she was just a girl, she expected the world

# But it flew away from her reach # She ran away in her sleep

# Dreamed of para-para-paradise # Para-para-paradise

# Every time she closed her eyes # Whooooo...

# When she was just a girl # She expected the world

# But it flew away from her reach # The bullets catch in her teeth

# Life goes on, it gets so heavy # The wheel breaks the butterfly

# Every tear a waterfall # In the night a stormy night

she'll close her eyes # In the night the stormy night

away she'd flies # And dream of para-para-paradise

# Para-para-paradise # Para-para-paradise oh-oh-oh

# She'd dream of para-para-paradise # Para-para-paradise

# Lalalala # So lying underneath those stormy

skies # She'd say, oh-oh-oh

# I know the sun must set to rise # This could be para-para-paradise

# Para-para-paradise # Oh-oh-oh

# This could be para-para-paradise # Para-para-paradise

# Oh-oh-oh saig -- oh-oh-oh # Whoooo

# This could be para-para-paradise # Para-para-paradise

# Oh-oh-oh # Whoooo

# Whoooo... # Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coldplay everybody. Fantastic. OK.

Before we go tonight let's have a story or two in the Red Chair. Who

is up first? Hello, sir. Hi. What is your name? Gary. Where are you

from? Newcastle and living in Essex. I liked Jimmy's impressions before,

very good. Essex, are you mugging me off, you slag? What do you do?

nurse. We weren't expecting that, were we? Whatever profession I

thought you were going to say that was not top of my list. People say

male nurse. It's not pronounced male nurse. What do you mean?

actually pronounced kpwtion "male nurse ". What is your story. I got

locked out of my car in Newcastle. I was trying to get into the car. I

was trying all sorts of equipment. This guy came past, older guy shall

he stopped us and said said, "do you want help to tkpwhet your car?"

I said "great" he picked a brick up off the floor and put it through

the window of the car. I thanked him. Anyway he then said, "would

you like to get a new window I work in the scrapyard down the road" I

gave him �20. He gave me a recipe, "Mr Smith I took �20 off you I will

be back with a window whenever". That was seven years ago. Ahh!

began well and he tailed off. the most gullible man who has ever

lived? I like the window bit. didn't understand the rest.

weren't missing.... He should have had said "rollercoaster". One more.

Hi, Jimmy, do you remember me? Hello, how are you. Where did I

meet snu At High Wycombe we were a double act. Hello. Is this your

story? It's piss poor so far. What do you do? I'm a student. What do

you study? Religion. Again, not an answer I was expecting. That is why

her boobies grew. Leave me alone. Delight us with your tale. Prince

Philip came to my school. I was sat in the front row. I thought "I'll

touch him when he comes past". He walked past me I put my hand out he

stamp on me, he was like "move". I didn't get to touch him really.

that the end of that story? Yes. I quite enjoyed that story. Do you

remember her now? When she flipped back and her legs... I recognised

her. I have met her, yeah. If you would like to join us on the the --

show and have a go in the Red Chair contact us on this guest. Thank you

to all my guests tonight, Coldplay, Jimmy Carr, Salma Hayek and Antonio

Banderas. Join ne me next week with X Factor's Rebecca Ferguson,