Compilation The Graham Norton Show

For the last two months I've had such a lovely time, sitting

drinking wine, laughing and chatting with a parade of lovely

showbiz guests. But which one was the best? Yes, it's Sauvignon

APPLAUSE Too kind. What a lovely warm

welcome. And welcome to my special compilation show. I love this time

of the year. Turkey's finished. Relatives are gone. All the

presents have been safely listed on eBay. That means it's time to look

back at some of my favourite guests and mopts from the last few months,

starting with... We're slighted you're here. I'm surprised you're

here so quickly. It seems you are so lovely to your fans that the

story of you as Captain Jack going to see that little girl in

Greenwich, that's an amazing story. APPLAUSE

For people who haven't heard, tell whaus happened. I got a letter,

this sweet letter from a little girl, who was going to school, like

three minutes from where we were shooting. She said, you know, we

need to escape. We need pirates to help us out. I thought well, on

lunch break we'll go over, bring about 12 pirates and go ape. And we

did. It was really fun and really sweet. I mean the kids were so

responsive. Some were scared, very scared. How the hell did that

letter get to you? In a bottle. LAUGHTER

Now, during the summer we all read about Necker Island. So you did

save Richard Branson's mother's life? No I didn't. I carried her

down the stairs is the truth of it. It was genuinely very scary. It

really was. We did wake up at 4.30am to hear the sounds of some

of Richard's nephews voices yelling there was a fire. I jumped up. I

ran immediately towards the fire because clearly I thought I could

put it out. Hang on! So I'm running towards the flames and realise oh,

no actually, because another few minutes and we'll all be dead. So

turn around and Mia and Joe, my children, were at the bedroom door.

I said to them, it's a fire, it's fine, go inside for two minutes and

close the door. Then thinking, what do I do? I ran into the bedroom and

put on a bra. It's like, in disastrous moments like, that you

do the strangest things. I thought no, that's going to take too long,

off came the bra, on went the T- shirt, I grabbed the children and

picked up granny. We were at the top of slippery stone steps. We

were in the hurricane, that's the other thing that was so dramatic.

This lashing rain. It really did feel like being in a movie. So, no,

in truth I carried Eve Branson braless, me not her, maybe we were

both braless. I carried her down the stairs. These aspects didn't

come out in the original story. They really played down the whole

breast support issue. I never, ever play that one down. Is it true, and

this seems unlikely, that you own a single piece of every bit of

memorabilia that they produced for Lord of the Rings? Well, that's

half true. So I've got a few things from the actual film. So I have the

ring. I have sting. I have a map from Bilbao's study, the living

room in bag end. I went back and.final bit on The Hobbit. They

gave me the book that Bilbao writes in. He writes The Hobbit, then I

finish it as Lord of the Rings. They gave me the red volume.

actual prop? Yeah. Whoa. My last day in Hobbiton, it was pretty

magical. Amazing. In Hobbiton! It's a set! It's real place... No, it's

not. LAUGHTER

Graham. It's a dream. Don't you screw up his dream. They've

actually built it. So from now on you'll get to see Hobbiton and

advise the it as a real place. -- visit it as a real place. Will you

be able to stay there? No, but they're turning The Green Dragon

pub into a visitors centre. "Where's my bedroom?" Here's the

jacuzzi. There we go, let's get it going.

There's this website called manbabies.com. It's not as bad as

it sounds. It's sweet. People put in photographs of dads and the

babies, right, and it sounds stupid, it is stupid, they swap the heads...

Oh, yes. But they keep them in proportion. So this is a classic,

Oh, no. That's wrong. Brilliant. could watch this all day. Sometimes

it's not that obvious that heads it's not that obvious that heads

have been swaped. This could be a That baby is plotting.

It's disturbing. Finally, Lee, we sent you to be done. Very sweet it

is. Here's Lee. LAUGHTER

Marvellous. Well done all the man babies. Now, you had to do some

bonding in bridesmaids didn't you? We did. We just played a lot of

games. Like there's a scene where we're sitting on a cop car and I

play a cop in the film. We would just play "would you rather" a lot.

Do you know that game? Like would you rather have a nipple on the end

of your nose or a tooth growing out of your cheek. Or would you rather

have to eat a VAT full of poo or have a small poo in your mouth

every morning for the rest of your lives? I think that's easy. Which

would you go for? The bird. No. have to do it every day for the

rest of your life. You'd get used to it.

The bird would become your friend. It would be nice, you wake up, here

come the birds. Morning poo and then off you go.

I suppose it's quite wee isn't it. And it's only a small bird. No, you

don't get to choose. What an albatross. You said small bird.

when you're at Glastonbury and you go back stage and there's Beyonce...

My friend, yeah. You go up to her and speaking to her, would you

rather sneeze and have both barrels blow snot all down her face or

That's a very good one. I'm going to have to go with shit. Is it a

weird thing being the sexiest man alive? Oh, it's the worst. No!

so awful, yeah. Are you a little self-conscious? I'm 36 years old, I

don't care about anything like that any more. That's a wonderful thing.

Then this happened an I started to realise just how not sexy I am.

Stop it. I swear to God. A lot of moments I'll open up the door and

I'll go, I could do that a lot sexier. That was not very sexy at

all. This is rare. Because we have the sexiest man alive. Esquire, the

sexiest woman alive. Awhile ago. I'm the sexiest woman alive

according to my boyfriend. I hope I APPLAUSE

Also, can I just say there's a British pin up on our sofa. Feast

your eyes on that, ladies and gentleman.

It's mostly all balls. Now in this tour, this is good, you do a master

class in accents. I was trying to get better. I've been doing stand

up for ten years. I thought what can I get better at, it's accents.

I have done the secret of good regional accents, you need a key

phrase to get you started. Once you have that in your head, you get

started. I can teach you. I can't do yours, I can do ones from around

Britain. That could be useful because you could play British

people. Meryl Streep gets them all now. I know. You could be in

Desperate Scouse wives. If you want to talk like someone from Liverpool

you say "I want some chicken and a can of coke" You try it. You

sounded like you were trying to be a ventriloquist there. I'll teach

you another one from the UK. more. Roller coaster, pooper

scooper, Kawasaki, but if you want to do the Geordie accent. Roller

coaster, pooper-scooper, oompa loompa, Kawasaki. We'll do them one

at a time. Roller coster. Pooper- scooper Oompa loompa Oompa loompa.

Kawasaki. Kawasaki. Genius! Of course, the highlight of any Cliff

Richard fan every year is the annual release of the Cliff Richard

calendar. CHEERING

I have to be honest, I've only been collecting them since 1982. Wow!

Prior to that my mother wouldn't let me buy them.

What's amazing about these, because you are timeless, the only way to

kind of gauge what year they are is sort of really from the fashions or

how it is shot. Good game, good game Micky and Kelly. So take this

one. This is a classic. It's very hard to guess this, I will give you

multiple choice. I don't know what you did to Minnie, she looks quite

surprised. LAUGHTER

You probably know the answer. Don't you answer. No, I don't. Is this

1984, 1996 or 2001? I'm going to go with... Oh! Could you do that

Oh, ah - oh, ah... I'm going to go for '96. I'm going for '84. All the

cliff fans got it wrong. This is December 1996. OK, so this next one

is this older than '96 or newer? I'm going to say orld. Orld.

February 2000. How long had you had that jacket?

You did not buy that jacket in February 2000. I don't even

remember the jacket. Really? Because you had it a while.

bought this at an auction, they said it was yours.

APPLAUSE Right. James McAvoy new film Arthur

Christmas and it's in 3-D. It is. You're a big fan of 3-D. Now listen,

I slagged off 3-D in the past and I think... You really slagged it up.

I believe you said "It's a waste of time and money and I wouldn't pay

for a ticket." LAUGHTER

Thank you. Yeah, well, I think... Sometimes they shoot a movie and

they shoot it straight 2D and change it to 3-D afterwards. That's

a way of getting people into the cinema and charging them an extra

�4. That is naughty. This was designed to be 3-D. When you film

something 3-D, does it change you, does it change the set or is it

just all in the camera? I've never filmed anything 3-D, which is

probably why I'm angry about it. This is the animation, of course.

That's the drawing. LAUGHTER

I was thinking that make up department's brilliant on that!

When you began and you were doing the voicovers and stuff for things,

you have to deal with impenetrable scripts, terrible scripts. When I

first made my living it was doing voicovers for stuff. You'll have

never have sulied yourself in this way Kate. I probably have. I voiced

a few video games. If you voice characters in a video game you have

to give them all the options. Wow have things like, you know, "Would

you like to touch the curse ID casket of mink?" Then "Behold the

curd casket of mink? Are you in the mood for the Cursed Casket of Minge.

I spot minge, do you have a cursed casket. It's like a phone directory,

it's soul destroying. Terrible work. Again no nominations. You are a

genuine big science fiction fan, aren't you Simon? Yeah. When you

got the call for Star Trek, you were genuinely excited. We have a

picture you took of yourself... can see the phone hands there like

that. Totally. Do you like Star Trek? Ah, yeah. Do you? Uh-huh.

don't have to say that. I like the ear dude and stuff. Ear dude

suggests not a huge... The ear dude is Spock. The ear dude and the

rocket ship and the Martians, who really did that stuff. I grew up

watching it. It was on every night at 6pm. We would have competitions

to see, I'd be on the phone with my budy. We'd have it on channel two

at Six O'Clock. We would see who could scream out the episode the

quickest. We alerted that you were both Star Trek fans. We believe you

have treky trivia questions. I'll tidy my desk. You pop on the kettle

Nicole. Have you got your questions? I have. Tom? I left them

in the dressing room. Very good. If only there was some way to

transport you there quickly? Hey, wait a minute, the guy who plays

Scotty, might know how to get my body broken down into molecules,

transported into the dressing room and back and I could get the

questions that way perhaps. I have some experience of meta transfer,

in fact, I have taken the liberty of bringing with me my own personal

APPLAUSE Nicole, excellent work! Gather

yourself. Be prepared to be amazed once more as we bring Tom back.

You're very good. Lock onto the cord nats and energise!

CHEERING Got him. That was amazing.

It sort of diminishes the film, doesn't it? English talk shows are

way advanced. I've always wanted to met a movie star and ask one

question and one question only - Make it a good one. You see like

sometimes when they do love scenes, do they do them for real

sometimes... Sometimes? LAUGHTER

They must do. It looks a bit real. Here's the thing I think it would

be impossible if, I mean, I mean I don't know if maybe some, I mean...

I, not in my experience... audition certainly. I have a

feeling that it's so technical I would think that... You know

there's all these gaffers and lighting guys. What about a married

couple like... Definitely not! What are you talking about? Another

thing I wantsed to ask a really big American movie star... Inspired by

that. Inspired by that of course. Oh, no. Is dogging really big in

the USA. ? I don't know what that is.

don't want to know. Is it illegal? Illegal? Ah... I think it's illegal.

If the police pulled up, they wouldn't join in, would they?

LAUGHTER Often people are saying tell us a

funny story, the truth is honestly, all the funny stories are in the

film. What we try to do every day is look at the scenario and try and

find a witty way, things that made us laugh. Actually there is one

funny story. I'm going to remind you of it and you can tell it.

yeah! Chat show gold.

You tell it. We're both going to tell it. I'll tell it.

APPLAUSE So they're shooting this scene

where a guy comes in right. He had forgotten to wear any underwear.

Then you take it from there. Then there was an explosion - no,

there was a scene where we walk into a room of carnage. There's all

these rubber bodies strewn around, fake dummy bodies that are

impossible positions. Covered in blood. And Robert goes "Check this

out. This will be funny." There's a big hand lying there and he steps

on the hand and someone yells "Cut!" For the love of God.

thing I love is that a lot of actors moan about living in hotels,

but presumably you quite like it. You grew up in hotels. I did. My

dad's here. I can't see him though. But he's here. Keeping very quiet

now. There he is! That's my dad! Yay dad.

APPLAUSE My dad was a hotel manager. So we

grew up in hotels. Is it a nice life? Presumably you don't clean up

or anything? Well, yeah, it's very nice. I didn't know anything else.

Did you ever have an argument with your parents, where they go "You

treat this house like a ho... Oh. "How old were you when you got out

of hotels? Dad? 13. No. We moved into... Stop talking to my dad.

You're allowed to talk to your father. When we moved back to

London it was like when I was seven-and-a-half. Oh, really, OK.

Yeah. Is this comfortable for you, this conversation. It's more or

less comfortable with watching your daughter that's about sex addiction.

Has your dad seen it? No, dad's not aloud. I'm in the a father, but

really don't see it. I can't imagine a father enjoying it.

I'm embarrassed for you. There's nothing worse than that.

It's very good. She's nominated for an Oscar. You'll enjoy that.

don't watch other people having sex with my mum and dad, so... People

having sex with your mum and dad? LAUGHTER

There he is. LAUGHTER

Who's that man? Hi. Hi. Hi, I'm being calibrated. It's not painful.

I had a pre-Med. I feel great actually. Don't touch

me there. Are we ready to see Rob now? OK. So

there's Rob back there and then this is Rob as a cartoon.

How are you doing, all right? Yeah, nice to see you. He can now appear

here. Oh, that's adorable. Who's the best

panda? I'm the best panda. Oh, lovely. Let's put you on the

sofa. Go and stand on the sofa. There you

are! Look, Jamie's so good at it. Look at Jamie. Hello Kate, how are

you doing, all right. I'm fine. was looking round back stage, I

found a bra, love, is it yours? Let's do a bit of dancing. Let's

Well done Rob. Well done panda. Beautiful.

APPLAUSE Now, girls loved you so much, but

the boyfriends didn't like you, which led to problems. Was it with

the Drifters before the Shadows. remember playing the Lyceum

Ballroom in London. They had a revolving stages. We were going to

play Elvis's Baby I Don't Care. Then all these cheese rolls came

flying up. I never sang a note. The thing revolved, we got off, we got

paid and went home. APPLAUSE

I didn't realise until you read this you were in a boy band, you

were in two. In school. I was really serious about it. I thought

this was, yeah, that was what I thought, that's all I ever wanted

to do. What was the first one called? The first bad was called

Full Frontal. LAUGHTER

I mean I say we were a boy band, it was me and four mates. We told

people we were a band. We didn't have any songs and we didn't do any

dancing. Then my second boy band, we were called Insatiable. Why?

Because you just can't get enough. We used to rehearse all the time.

You did Giggs. Seriously did play? We were a boy band. We sung and

dance. We were like the Back Street Boys. OK. If they were worse.

And yeah, we like had original songs. We would do dance routines.

We played about eight gigs. I mean, three of them were like at Gav's

mum's barbeque, you know what I mean? Not like proper Giggs. We

took it seriously. Some of the lyrics are in here, do you remember

some of the lyrics? Yeah, I wrote them. Do you remember the lyrics to

Girl Are You Ready?ment Brace yourself. Wait till you hear the

lyrics. I remember saying to a guy called Matt who played key boards.

We wrote the songs together. He wouldn't be on stage. And I

remember saying to him, this is how seriously I took it, I said "We

need like a song that's like a chant that's as big as Let's Get

Ready to Rumble." And the song was called Girl Are You Ready?. It

went... It went, # Girl are you? Just tell me when

you're ready # Girl are you ready?

# I ain't gonna rush you # Girl get ready we're about to go

steady # Girl are you ready?

# I ain't gonna rush you # APPLAUSE

And, Frodo you'll love this, this one here Aston Merrygold. He lives

in Hobbiton. He was discovered in Middle Earth's

Got Talent. APPLAUSE

JLS very excitingly they have their own range of condoms everybody.

CHEERING Nice. Who sells best? He does.

merry gold number four. Presumably you have these all in your lockers.

Let me just get my condoms. That's a cool thing. They should sell

personalised condoms, it's good. You know the way, they're more

sensitive or better lubrication or that. The big selling point on

these ones is smells better. That's wonderful. How bad were they

before, boys? What is that smell? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Now people are going it smells like a Merrygold. You talk in the book,

where is it, you talk the looks you have to do as a model. Yes.

list them. The looks you did - baby doll, OK, gawky schoolgirl, bride

to be, yeah, get it, young mum, sophisticated hostess, person

laughing at fruit. Yes. We always had to be seen laughing at, you

have some fruit here. If there was fruit, and I was in my picture,

probably in a knitted thing, I'd be going like this. And sometimes

surprised by fruit. APPLAUSE

Very good. Can I tell you a story about a faux pas I made. In America

they call their arse, their ass. Where I come from we call our house

our 'ass. So get ready I took a girl out and on the way home I

stopped her and I said, when we get back, what are the chances of me

coming in your 'ass. APPLAUSE

It was a Jen wib -- genuine mistake. I know she said "Oh, yeah you can

come. I had to reassure you. I won't try and kiss you. You know

that's the sort of mistake you can make over there. They cannot

understand a word... And Americans are so nice, you're speaking for a

little while. They go "I'm sorry?" Eventually they just go... You know

they don't understand a word. OK, OK fine, yeah, I'll see you, take

care. Anyone else broken anything? I had

an injury. I got a rubber stuck up my nose.

An eraser. No. I heard something else.

That would have been a really good injury.

LAUGHTER The "how that happened" bit of the

story would have been different. It was his first time... Did you do it

yourself or did someone shove it up there? My brother dared me to put a

pencil up my nose, do you know the yellow ones with the pink ones?

He told me I couldn't take it out because it would erase my memories.

LAUGHTER Oh, wow.

You have a really clever diet plan which you go into in the book.

Talk us through that. It's called, yeah,... It is a good idea. It's a

clever idea actually. It happened to me in America. I was in America

in Boca Raton, you might know that, near Miami. A guy gave me some

clams. He had a little fork with clams. I thought I would embark

upon eating the main course using this little fork. My wife looked at

me like mad. "What are you doing?" Don't worry, I'm working on

something here. I'm eating with this little fork. It occurred to me

that it took me ages to get halfway through the plate of food, by which

time the brain was telling me you're actually full up. So it's

the little fork diet. Carry a little fork around, you try it.

you finding it difficult to find the little fork diet? Lord Sugar

helpfully provides an illustration of the difference between a large

and small fork. No stone left unturned.

LAUGHTER Did you have a weight scare

recently? Scare is a good word. There's different ways you know

you've put weight on, your clothes don't fit or you're crying a lot.

But there's a new one, in case you don't know, there's a new one,

because everybody doesn't know, that sounded terrible like I was

just aiming it just at you. thought you were. There's a block

of flats where my boyfriend lives. There's a car park round the back.

There's a barrier that lifts up to get into the car park. When it

senses a car is near. LAUGHTER

I had two big bags of shopping, you know, but it still thought I was

like a Peugeot 206. Johnny everyone thinks he's shy, OK, but he wasn't

shy this day. He's got a wicked sense of humour. If people knew

what he was really like, his career would be over.

So in one scene, I'm helping, I'm sort of helping Warwick get shoved

down a toilet, as you do. I'm bending his legs in. I'm going,

it's all right, if it breaks we'll get another one in. I'm pushing him

down the toilet. I'm laughing. Warwick's laughing. Warwick goes

"Look at Johnny." He goes -- I turn around and he goes "You don't mind

if I master bait while you're doing this?" Someone took a picture of

the moment but he'd stopped by then. I think we have the picture.

Is that why you were laughing so hard? I'd finished by then.

I think seven positions. OK. First of all you put this leg over here.

Then just let it... I'm doing exactly what you're doing, don't

laugh at me. Get comfortable and laugh at me. Get comfortable and

relax. This is the first position. Hang on. Wouldn't it have been

awful if I killed Antonio. Here we go. First position. That's first.

Then... That's not that bad. First and second, third, and fourth.

Fifth. I've cut my own leg. Sixth and then a fancy one in case

someone attack you in the back like this. Oh, my gosh you're -- Oh, my

He was a brilliant soccer player. You could have been a professional?

I could have. But I broke my left foot when I was 15 years old.

you used to be, weren't you good enough to be an Olympic gymnast?

That's true. APPLAUSE

You could have been a professional footballer, but there's one man in

every pub who had trials for Spurs. That is just the law. You could

have been an Olympic gymnast. That's probably more information

than you want. I had a thing about gymnasts.Ive always fantasised

about having sex with gymnasts, not only because they're bendy and

flexible, but also because they do amazing dismounts. I just imagine...

LAUGHTER That is funny. I imagine after sex

you would be by the side of the bed like that.

And if you bend your legs even just a little bit, I could make you do

it again. That is funny. This is perfectly

timed photos.com. I wonder what it's of. This is a lady playing

LAUGHTER You think that's bad. Wait...

has a smile on her face. She's smiling now. That's why it's

perfectlytimedphotos.com. Wait till you see the next one. Apparently

everyone's fine by the way. No-one got hurt in these. Check that out.

Whoa! LAUGHTER

Doesn't it slightly look like the girl has just told a joke and the

dog is going... That's the funniest thing ever.

A cat you say? Ha-ha. She looked a bit like the dog is going "Wait I

need to sneeze." And finally, this is just a brilliant one of somebody

being taken by surprise by Anand mall. Here we go.

-- an animal. Here we go. Very good. Well done.

APPLAUSE Now we're going to say hello to the

stars of the new dramatic film William and date the movie. I love

you. You do? I love you too. I love the private you. I love the public

you. And I love the you that no-one Obviously you're fabulous in the

film, very, very good. BAFTA. But there is someone on the sofa an

aspiring actress, who has lived the life of Kate Middleton, I give you

dame Miranda Hart. So would you like to have a little

go, we have the lines, they're on the camera there. Oh, lovely.

you recreate that scene from the film. Oh, my God. This is sosta.

The sofa will be played by a sofa. You read your lines off there. You

read from there. Shall I sit with smila so she doesn't feel left out?

-- Camilla. You can do that scene that was cut outment -- out. So

I'll put a little fire here. So now, cut to this shot. There they are

with the fire. So, do we have a romantic little... There it is! Oh,

lovely. Thanks for coming around Adele.

That's nice. Right. OK. Nico have you brushed your teeth, I hope you

have. We know what happens at the Lovely. OK. And action! We're

supposed to be studying. I am. so good.